Booty call

Boot Camp: Part 1
TX: 26th September 2009

Has someone considered putting the editors of this show on medication for attention deficit disorder? I mean, there are other ways of creating tension quickly beyond intercutting lots of different shots of totally random shit, y'know.

Previously on The X Factor: A load of shit, quite frankly. Seriously, it's not easy to get excited about boot camp when the majority of this year's auditionees barely even registered in my brain. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Boot camp this year is at the Hammersmith Apollo, which seems disappointingly low-rent. I mean, I've been there. It's nice enough, if you enjoy having to bring a spatula to scrape your shoes off the floor every time you want to move. E4 voiceover chap says that the stakes have never been higher, which is followed by Simon saying "someone on this stage is going to win The X Factor". So the stakes are, in fact, precisely as high as they have always been, no more and no less. Stupid show. Over the course of the show, we will be whittling 200 acts down to 24. Take a seat, bitches, because shit is GOING DOWN. Titles!

London. A small green creature is living inside Dermot's shirt - at least, that's the most sensible conclusion I can draw from the mysterious flash of colour below his neck and the presence of a slight bulge. Perhaps it is warm and moist down there. I wouldn't know. The remaining 200 are taken through Beautiful London (not Cardiff on a coach, and I have to say, I always find the nice rounded number of contestants who make it to boot camp deeply at odds with the alleged spontaneity of the audition process. Afro Jamie is excited, as is Stacey S. The contestants arrive at Hammersmith, where there is a sense of excitement in the air, we are told.

The lucky 200 gather on stage and await the judges. Said judges are on their way to the venue in individual cars (I think it's about time this show reduced its carbon footprint, quite frankly. If cycling is good enough for Boris Johnson, I'm sure it's good enough for National Treasure Cheryl Cole) and witter on about how this will be the BEST! BOOT CAMP! EVER! Oh, please. I decide to cash in my one complimentary statement about Louis per series and remark that his hair is looking quite good at this precise moment in time - it's quite short, but not severely so, and rather suits him. Cheryl is wearing so much makeup I'm surprised the extra weight hasn't snapped her neck.

The judges arrive, and Simon welcomes the contestants to boot camp. He has a good feeling about this lot (just as 'I Gotta Feeling' lines up on the soundtrack) and asks if the contestants know what they're in for. Hilariously, there follows a muddled chorus of both "yes!" and "no!" Simon tells them that they don't, and passes it over to Dannii, who informs the contestants that they will form themselves into teams, with each team consisting of three acts. Cheryl adds that the only rule is that each person must take a lead vocal. Louis's appearance here is apparently surplus to requirements. Just for a change.

The contestants get to it. Afro Jamie earns himself some early scorn by wondering who he'll get in his "band". Dermot tells us that they have to pick a song and start practising, and when the night falls, his lonely heart calls. Er, sorry, that last bit should read "the pressure is on to be ready in time".

The next day, the judges prepare to hack down 200 acts to just 50. Each team will perform for the judges (and in front of their rivals), and some members will progress, while others will be sent home immediately. There is footage that accompanies Dermot's narration that some people will end their X Factor journeys very quickly, but given that at least one person is walking towards the Apollo with his suitcase, it kind of fails.

One team consists of It Takez 2, Just Du-et (*sadcries*) and somebody who may be called Alicia. We are reminded that It Takez 2 almost didn't make it past their first audition. They are singing 'Breakeven' by The Script as a team, and it is horrendous. The performance, I mean. I already knew the song was horrendous. There's a "comedy" flashback to Simon's chat in the car about the level of talent this year (seriously - we all know the levels of talent this year are embarrassingly low, you don't need to draw our attention to it), and then a layered harmony is missed spectacularly. Poor Alicia/Alesha/Aleycia/Felicia/whatever her name is doesn't even get showcased, though perhaps it's for the best. Cheryl covers her ears. Simon brings the whole sorry mess to an overdue end. "It was awful," says Cheryl. Louis tells Aleeeeyshia she did a good job putting herself in the middle of two terrible groups. The crowd sort of boo this backhanded compliment, though their general confusion over whether they should or not is quite funny. Simon asks if she did it deliberately. "Yes," she replies, and the room applauds her. [I loved Simon's admiration of her total hardheadedness. And the way It Takez 2's faces dropped as they realised they'd been thoroughly stitched up. - Carrie] The judges vote, and It Takez 2 and Du-et are sent home, but presumably Alicia stays.

Alistair, William Tackie (21, unemployed) and an unseen third act are flat (and occasionally sharp, but never natural) on 'I'll Be There'. Some other people are shit, so much so that we are not told who they are. Oh good, I'm glad that tradition is continuing. Lord knows the auditions were so monotonous this year, I ain't gonna recognise any faces. Some people manage to sing 'Hot 'n' Cold' more ineptly than Katy Perry does. Despite the rules we were told earlier, Amie Buck appears to be in a group of two, and struggles with the lyrics to Jennifer Hudson's 'Spotlight'. How utterly surprising, because it's not like this happened at her first audition. So glad we've wasted so much time on her. NEXT!

In a much-needed break, Simon wonders if it's going to get better. Louis reasons it can't possibly get any worse. Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that.

Adverts. Finally! I need a drink.

Shots of Piccadilly Circus, immediately juxtaposed with Hammersmith. What is this, The Apprentice? Dermot informs us that the contestants have been asked to perform in the judges, and I quote, "in groups of two or three". Which is categorically not what Dannii said at the top of the show. Hoping they can turn things around (where have we heard that before?) are Graziella, and two people called Shaniece (21, hairdresser) and Shar (24, recruitment consultant), whom I can't find any previous record of. They talk of how they rehearsed all night, and we're reminded that Graziella wants to change her life. Don't we all, darling. They're singing 'That's Life', which is apparently "cool" and "different", according to Simon. Shar's pretty good, if a little scratchy, and the same applies to Shaniece. Personally I think Graziella sounds dreadful, but the judges all nod and make approving smiles, so apparently I am wrong. Cheryl tells them that she loves them all individually, but wishes they were a group after seeing them together. The judges deliberate, and they're all through.

Wouldn't you know it? Those three girls have turned the tide and now suddenly things are looking up. This is, of course, in no way a storytelling method that's been overused by the producers and which bears little resemblance to reality as we know it. Lucie, who is from a village WHICH IS SMALL [though is apparently practically part of Beautiful Cardiff - Rad], goes through, as do some more faceless people, and Shitty Arse Bloody Kandy Fucking Rain, who suck some more, but are through, yet more faceless people, Joe who is FROM THE NORTH EAST lest we forget, and who will continue, and some more people I can't even be bothered to try and look up, and then Jamie Fucking Afro, who screeches and is told by Simon that he is a good singer.

Oh Christ on a bike, next up are John and Edward (see previous link), The Puppini Sisters Miss Fitz and someone called Sian Paley, who is possibly new. We are reminded of John and Edward's ghastly audition - they claim they have taken on the judges' comments, but I am sure they have not. Sian has enjoyed working with them, and wants them all to get through. Sian is so doomed, I bet you. John and Edward decide to do a bit, where only one of them walks on stage, prompting Dannii and Louis to ask where "The Other One" is, only for said Other One to emerge from the wings and flip onto the stage. How very lovely. They are singing 'Apologise', and John and Edward have added to their shitty singing with some shitty dancing, then they forget their words. Miss Fitz (who appear to have shed a member somewhere along the way) and Sian both cope fine, but it is obvious that John and Edward are way out of their depth. But they are FROM IRELAND, so they'll be fine. Simon, of course, decides to pick on Sian and tell her she "became invisible", because she committed the cardinal sin of coming in on time, singing in tune and not looking like a twat. Sian protests that John and Edward sang over her, and over Miss Fitz, and how this was not what they'd rehearsed. John or Edward makes some bullshitty excuse and is booed, and Simon tells them that they've put Sian at a massive disadvantage. For fuck's sake: how, exactly? They put themselves at a disadvantage by BEING SHIT, and perhaps if there was someone on the panel with the sense they were born with, they would be pointing this out right now, and would probably have actually been listening to Sian in the first place. God, one of these days I swear this fucking show is going to give me an ulcer. Shitwit Louis thinks the boys have got potential and that people will like them. Simon disagrees. So who goes through? As if you can't fucking guess: Sian is dismissed, but takes it on the chin. Incidentally, during the deliberation, Louis refers to John and Edward as "innocent children", which may challenge "the poor boy's blind" as the most idiotic thing he has ever said. Sian goes outside and has a little sniffle with Dermot. The other two acts are both through, of course. THIS FUCKING SHOW. John and Edward run around the building whooping, and appear to interrupt Sian being interviewed. "Good timing, guys," notes Sian. [Thank fuck my DVR chose to malfunction during that whole section as I think I would have vomited - Rad]

After the break, we're finally coming to the end of the first challenge. Treyc and Olly are through. Shanna and William are next - Shanna goes through, William does not. And with that, we're down to 100. But there are only 50 places left, remember - so the judges now have to do another entirely arbitrary elimination. The editors do TENSION again in that headache-inducing way. The contestants sit outside and sob, as they are wont to do. The sequence goes on for ages, and essentially defies recapping since so little of substance is said (though in fairness, when isn't that true on this show?), so I'll skip over it.

The acts are divided up and sent into four different rooms. Room 1 has Danyl in it, so it's obviously a yes for them. They all lose their shit and mob the judges. Oh God, John and Edward are in that room too. Room 2 contains Graziella, but the people in this room are being sent home. Cue lots of hugs from Dermot. Shar and Shaniece are out too, incidentally. Room 3's inhabitants are also sent home, weepy weepy weepy. That leaves Room 4, who are obviously through. This room contains Ethan, Lloyd and Miss Fitz. Then, suddenly, there is A SHOCK TWIST: Shar, Shaniece and Graziella are called in to see the judges and told that if they form a group they can be in the top 50. They accept, of course, but what if they had said no? Would it have been a top 49 instead? The Top 50 all celebrate together, oh happy day. We then get a trailer informing us that after the break, the remaining 50 acts will battle for a place in the top 24. I think we could've worked that out for ourselves.

Returning from the break, we're given a recap of what we saw five minutes ago. I assume this was for the benefit of people who'd suddenly switched over from Strictly Come Dancing. The next challenge is for them to pick from a list of 25 songs, and then deliver the performance of a lifetime in front of an audience of 4,000. Joe, who is FROM THE NORTH-EAST, remember, is singled out as feeling the pressure of bootcamp, though I'm fairly sure this applies to everyone. That's just FYI, scriptwriters. Indeed, we are reminded that Joe is FROM THE NORTH-EAST and that Cheryl is also FROM THE NORTH-EAST and therefore they have COMMON GROUND. Joe says that he wants this very much because singing is his life.

Joe takes to the stage and is engaged in conversation by Dannii, who clearly has some nerve in doing so because they do not SHARE A REGIONAL BACKGROUND, but Joe seems willing to let that pass. Joe sings 'Praying For Time' by George Michael, which Simon warns him is a toughie. It makes Joe sound very lispy, and his voice is a bit weedy in places, but the performance is right enough, and the crowd go nuts at the end, like there was ever any doubt. Louis and Dannii love him, though Simon thinks he's a year or two away from being properly ready.

The performances continue - Nicole Jackson's bluesy version of 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' is not to my taste, but the judges seem to like it. Ethan sings 'Last Request' and continues to be telegenic. Mercedes from Glee - sorry, Rozelle sings 'And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going', apparently in a quest to perform the entire songbook of Dreamgirls before her time on the show is up. She's dreadful, but Cheryl is smiling. Daniel Fox sings a nastily affected version of 'With Or Without You' which makes him go very red in the face. Cheryl doesn't get it, and I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but: word, Cheryl.

We are reminded that Lucie is from a VILLAGE WHICH IS SMALL and this is her big chance. She sings 'Hurt' (Christina Aguilera, not Johnny Cash, just to clarify), and I kind of preferred it when Phoebe Hope sang it, though she does have a nice voice. Simon and Cheryl think Lucie is good at ballads but no use at uptempo songs, and "you can't do ballads every week". Oh, pull the other one.

Next up is Rachel, who is scared, because she wants to win, so today's performance has to be good. I for one am glad she has explained the workings of this deeply complicated show to me. She sings 'Last Request' and it sounds rather lovely, and since I can actually see myself getting excited about her, I assume she will not be making it to the live shows. Simon admires her song choice, but doesn't think she displayed her true capabilities with that performance. Duane is on next, and seems to do quite well. TruColourz, of "good enough for this show" fame, are next and not that great, but they've been kicked out for being lying liars who lie, so it doesn't really matter now anyway. Daryl sings 'Red' and is all right, and then Daniel from One True Voice tries 'Purple Rain' but is obviously no Ruth Lorenzo.

More adverts! Are we nearly there yet, Dad? (Who is NOT DEAD, I hope, since he is apparently driving.)

Dermot tells us that only half the remaining acts can make it through to the final 24 (again, why? Just put the best ones through, regardless of where they sit in the running order, dammit). 31 year old care worker Nicole, whose FATHER IS DEAD, got a no from Simon at her first audition. We are told lots about her father, WHO IS DEAD, and how a large hole was left in her life WHEN HE DIED, and how he would be so proud of her now IF ONLY HE WERE NOT DEAD, BUT HE IS DEAD. DEAD, DO YOU HEAR? She is also singing 'And I Am Telling You', a song which I honestly never need to hear again in my entire life [but which you will, in, oooh, an episode's time or so. Oops, spoilers - Rad], and which I don't really feel I can make objective judgements any more because every version I hear just sounds brash and entirely lacking in subtlety, so let's just say she sings and leave it at that. She gets a standing ovation for her troubles, although not from me. Cheryl confuses volume with emotion when evaluating the performance.

And that's it! Rad will be here with the concluding part of boot camp surely.