It's a man's world

Bootcamp: Day Two Broadcast 27 September 2009

Welcome back! Yesterday 200 people were back for Boot Camp and then were whittled down to 50! Considering the quality of many of them, they probably could have whittled them down to 50 in the first place and saved all the hassle. Anyway, tonight we see the final 24 and the judges find out which category they'll be mentoring, even though it was leaked all over the internet weeks ago.

We're back in London, as ever, and sadly, we are still faced with more boring live performances. I miss the boot camps of yore when they had to interpret a song in a wacky way in a studio or hotel. At least it *looked* more interesting than the same kind of stage we've seen all through the auditions and will see all through the live shows (minus NotLouis' artistic direction, mind you).

First up is Behrouz, our token Chico/Icaro contestant, but in the absence of Sharon Osbourne, will he get any further? He babbles some nonsense about The X Factor being once in a lifetime, which the likes of, ooh, last year's winner, might disagree with. Anyway, he gruffvoices through the opening of 'Purple Rain', then goes into a really weird high moany bit, and let's just say he's no Ruth Lorenzo. Nor is he through.

Treyc of the terrible spelling is up next, and guess what? She has a job WHICH IS SHIT. She sings 'Ben', which seems to be a very odd choice for anyone that isn't a prepubescent boy, but as we all know from last year, Simon seems to like it, and she does a servicable job.

Some woman who looks a bit like Claudia Winkleman also tried to do a Lorenzo (can we have Ruth's solo album yet?) and is better then Behrouz, but fairly unmemorable. A 16 year old called Lloyd does 'You are Not Alone' but I'm not sure we're likely to have two blond 16-year olds in a row getting to the final 12.

Kandy Rain put their best Hope-esque clothes on and sing Oasis's 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out'. Kudos for the song choice, but I still find them unremarkable. Some girl with big hair sings 'And I Am Telling You', which is this year's 'Falling' and I am so, so over it.

Dermot tells us that backstage, everyone is nervous and doesn't want their dream to end - we are reminded that 17 year old Dominic got to the judges' houses a couple of years ago, until Dannii stamped on his dreams. He sings a very weird version of 'Last Request'. His tone of voice is OK, but his rhythm, timing and breathing are all over the place. Louis says he's trying too hard and Dannii says she likes what he tried to do with the song. Note the 'tried'.

Ads. OK, I get that the neon rainbow song is fitting for the visuals and all, TalkTalk, but I'm beginning to hate it now. Oh, and a special mention for the Dell 'Lollipop' ad, which is my mum's pet hate. Not that she debases herself enough to watch The X Factor. I am such a disappointment.

Welcome back, and here we have hastily cobbled together girlband Miss Frank (which suggests to me that poor old Miss Fitz are out of the door). I like the girls themselves, they seem nice and they look good together, but this performance of 'Wishing on a Star' is a hot fried mess. The judges lap it up, though, as they always do with their cobbled together groups. Simon is the only one with a vague sense of being the voice of reason, which is not unusual. To be fair, there's potential here, but at the moment they're really not good. At risk of repeating myself, let's just sack off the groups next time and have younger men, younger women, older men and older women instead. I haven't seen one group this year even vaguely capable of winning.

Someone called Thomas who we may or may not have seen before screws up 'Holding Back the Years' and I at least appreciate that we are seeing more people than usual. A 'vocal coach' called Ivy Chanel (great name) fluffs 'Hurt'. It looked like she might have had a cool back tattoo but ITV Player died when I tried to rewind it and see, so I can't tell you whether that was true or not. Scott, the guy with autism from last week, also fluffs his words and Simon quite sweetly tells him not to be too upset as lots of people have done the same thing. It won't help his chances, mind.

Next up is Rikki, who I've decided is my one to hate on this year, although I don't know if my fellow Bitchers feel the same. [Yep. - Carrie] He is wearing a hat, HSM fans! Oh, and some dreadful shorts, and leaning against a piano and singing 'Chasing Pavements' and he screeches his way through it. Haaaaaaaaaaaate. He cries about his poorly throat and it's so hard to give a fuck, I'm afraid. [Particularly as he has no problem with actually talking and projecting. - Carrie] AND he has evil eyebrows.

More blinking ads. Sigh.

Next up, we have Olly, who is shown posing in a street wearing shoes but no socks. This isn't Miami Vice, you know, fella. They're playing the music from The Sweeney for no discernible reason, unless he is also someone who likes to write the theemtoon and sing the theemtoon. He's singing 'Your Song' and it's fine. I'm just relieved that Rikki is off my screen so anyone else is an improvement, to be honest.

ITV Player has crashed yet again. If this recap doesn't reach you until Friday, this will be the reason why.

Um, OK, this is weird, but ITV Player seems to put the ads in different places each time, so whatever happened between Olly and now will never be recapped. I'm guessing we didn't miss much though.

A male duo resembling Journey South also sing 'Last Request' and will never be heard from again. Harmony Hood, who were bouncing around in their first audition sing a somewhat subdued 'With or Without You' and I miss the energy of their earlier performance. A young boy (the boy with the tag?) sings 'You are Not Alone' and mouthy girl group Plan A (or Project A? I daren't rewind), who've been on The Xtra Factor a lot sing a reasonable 'Rise'. Stacey McLean who was in S Club Juniors wants it 110%. Wrong show. On this show it's a million percent or nothing. She also sings 'With or Without You' and it's a little screechy but generally fine. Oh, guess what, nobody wants it more than our next contestant. It's Jamie Archer (apparently Jamie Afro is even too naff a name for this show) who was a sickhead last time but gave a decent performance. At 34 this is his last chance, apparently, despite all the 80 year olds we get. He is ALSO doing 'With or Without You'. I get that they've probably only given them a handful of songs to sing, but they could have spaced the choices out throughout the show. He's perfectly fine and is a shoo-in for judges' houses and the live shows. I still don't like him as a person much but have no major issues with his singing, at least not compared to most others on this show. The judges love him.

19-year-old Stacey does a reasonable version of 'There You'll Be' - I think she could do well. Her voice falters a bit but it's generally nice and she seems popular personality-wise. Perhaps I spoke too soon - Dannii and Simon are unconvinced.

Next up is one of the anointed ones, teacher Danyl. Everyone went nuts about him first time round except me (and possibly my fellow Bitchers), but he's alright, I suppose. He's doing 'Holding Back the Years' and starting with a 1, 2, 3 and some boomboxing is not a way to win my heart, fella. Can I get a trying too hard with all the weirdness of these verses? It's all over the place and ridiculously affected, like he's thrown every r'n'b singer cliche in all at once. When he eventually starts singing the chorus, it's alright, but he needs to change his bad habits before I'm convinced. Simon says, 'You didn't ever consider singing the melody of that song, did you?' Louis says, 'He's a little over-confident for me,' and Simon says, 'A little?' Ha. Also: is it pronouced Danill or Daniel? The show doesn't seem to know. He fake cries to the camera about how he'd let so many people down if he didn't get there (unlike his classes who he might let down if he does get there, eh, Beverley?).

Shots of the judges arriving in some very dodgy looking back alley. Mmm, attractive. Louis says there are some acts he loves and some acts Simon hates (that creepy blond McDougall Brothers meet Rhydian meet the seventh circle of hell duo, perhaps?). Simon gets a much funkier car than anyone else.

They are choosing on some weird computer thing rather than using photos which would make marginally more sense if they'd used it all the way through, but hey, a new gimmick is a new gimmick so I'll try to get on board. They look at the boys first and we get a rather serviceable recap of them with the judges commenting on each, and with us seeing which comments go with which contestant some of the time. I approve. Unfortunately, I really can't face recapping all of the recaps of all of the categories, especially as we pretty much know who's going through anyway. Interestingly, they spend longer on the boys and over-25 men than any of the others. In fact, I'm not even sure they talked about any 25+ women in this bit. Guess this year's pre-ordained winner will be a man, eh, people? Judging by these recaps and the brevity of time dedicated to the category, it won't be sixth time lucky for the groups. Cheryl looks rather bored during the whole thing.

Dead Brother Daryl is on stage with some people we've never heard of. Things don't look good for him... they're not through, and he's upset because no-one wanted it more than him. No-one. Got that, all the people further up the page trying to make the same claim? Next up: Jamie Afro, the lady with the dead dad, Stacey SClub and Olly, although Louis tells us putting them through wasn't a unanimous decision. Single Mum Stacey, Rikki, Miss Frank, Treyc and some random are also through. Harmony Hood and a random group are out. More randoms and the two girls who were vaguely Leona-esque the other week are also out. Scott and more randoms = out, but Simon tells Scott he 'did great' and has 'grown as a person' so, y'know, that's makes everything alright, doesn't it? He gets to shake the judges' hands and kiss Cheryl unlike these other anonymous losers. More randoms go home, but Project A and Kandy Rain are through to recreate the stunning success of the girl groups in days gone by.

'Comeback Contestant' Dominic (whoops, wrong show) is on stage with some randoms. Hard luck, kid. Dannii looks like she might cry and the producers make him go to her for a hug, which seems a bit uncomfortable. Cheryl then hugs Dannii to stop more evil tabloid rumours, and Dannii cries. Aww. They force the poor kid in front of the camera and he's not composed enough to speak. Oh noes! Fit Ethan is on stage with some no-marks. Many people weep. And then they go through. Colour me shocked. The scary blonde boy duo, Daniel OTV, the Rihanna-lookalike Rachel and the other boy duo are all through. However Louis will choose which boy duo will go on to the starry heights of the McDonald Brothers and Journey South, I don't know. Simon hates the creepy blond duo and can't look at them. Heh.

The young guy from earlier who may or may not be the kid with the tag (I hope someone can clarify for me) and lots of anonymous people are out, including what looks like a duo of middle-aged black men in leather waistcoats. Who were THEY? Behrouz and some more girl groups are out. Sharon Osbourne weeps. Behrouz creepily hangs around in the theatre and Simon asks Louis to tell him when he's gone. Brrr. Unfortunately, Danyl is through, as if we ever doubted it, as are TruColourz, who I love because they said they were good enough for this show, but whom we haven't seen too much of. Hmm, could there be a sensational reason for this by any chance? (Whoops, spoilers). A couple of girls whose names I probably should know but don't are through and so is Lloyd, who actually looks a bit like Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys < /contemporary cultural reference >.

Next: the judges find out who they're mentoring. Cheryl, Dannii and Simon are thrilled. Louis lookd defeated and gives some half-hearted fighting talk about how he hopes he can best Simon (note: not WIN). Guess which category he's been lumped with again, everyone... [Also, Cheryl says "the proof is in the pudding", which causes me to scream at her for a full minute, because that is NOT THE PHRASE, dammit. - Steve]

Dermot tells us who everyone is whoch is handy for people like me with the memory of a sieve: The girls are Stacey McLean, Despina Pilavitaz, Nicole Jackson, Stacey Soloman, Rachel Adeji and Lucie Jones, apparently. Three of these people have been featured more than the other three. I'm just sayin'. Although Despina has to get through for her name alone, surely? The boys are: Duane Lamonte, Rikki Loney, Ethan Boroian, Joseph McElderry, Lloyd Daniels and Daniel Fox. One of these people is a shoo-in, and it's the one I don't want. The Over 25s: Jamie Archer, Nicole Lawrence, Treyc Cohen, Danyl Johnson, Olly Murs and Daniel Pearce (whom the ITV website calls Danyl as well. Oops). It's a good year to be called Daniel, Nicole or Stacey, huh? The groups: Kandy Rain, Tru Colourz, John and Edward, Miss Frank, Project A and De Tour. Not a promising category by any means.

Cheryl won last year and is going to win this year. Louis is sick of the other judges winning. Dannii has won before and wants to win again. Simon wants to win because when he wins, they win big. Tell that to Steve Brookstein.

TruColourz don't want Louis. Stacey S wants Dannii because she's lovely. Tru Colourz and Stacey S for the win! Simon has the over 25s. Everyone is happy. He has a really big hole in the shoulder of his jumper, despite being a multimillionaire. Skeffy get. He says, 'This could be a fantastic year for me. I mean them.' Heh. He seems on better form tonight. Cheryl gets the boys. Louis gets shafted by the producers again and gets the groups for a fourth time. I mean, I don't like the guy, and I'm glad they didn't make Dannii suffer with the groups, but this actually seems a bit mean. Damn you, show, you're making me feel sorry for Louis Walsh, and that should never happen. I assume normal service will be resumed come the live shows. Dannii thus has the girls, which would be good but a girl won last year and there must never be a winner from the same category twice in a row, as we all know. Louis tells Simon and Cheryl he got the groups and they burst out laughing. When Dannii greets the girls they all rush to hug her and Rachel falls over, which is very funny. When the other judges tell Dannii what they've got. She gives Louis a shocked 'Nooo! What did you say to them?!' Poor The Groups. Forever a laughing stock.

Next week - judges' houses! Kylie! Sinitta! Will Young! Hooray! Louis gets to leave Dublin! Booo!