That's the best you've got?

Top 12 revealed: 7th October 2007

There’s a recap for, ooh, three or four years about stuff we saw yesterday. Carmina Burana plays, of course. ZOMG what’s going to happen? I can’t take the excitement. I am very nearly dead from increased heart rate. Tonight, some of Hope get some sort of shock. Someone sponge my brow!

Titles.

Dermot is in Hollywood. He tells us what we watched yesterday. And then we see them all sing again. Well, some of them. And we see them crying and stuff. Dear god. Show some show, Show!

Now we’re in Ibeefer. Dannii slept on it. Now she has decided. She and Dermot paddle in the infinity pool. I love infinity pools. [I love Dermot. - Carrie] Asbestos Andy cries. Dominic goes ‘blah’. He doesn’t want to let his family down. Crack-head Leon talks about his mum Who Is Single. Rid can own the stage but hasn’t show it, or so he claims. Luke ‘was only a 14 year old schoolboy’. You still are, sweetie. Charlie would be back to square one if he didn’t go through. God, they all talk in cliché.

Dannii’s on a nice cream sofa on a patio. Charlie goes home for lack of confidence. Gets a hug from Dermot. [A slight consolation. - Carrie] Crack-head Leon goes through. FFS Dannii! She says, ‘Your mum is going to be so proud.’ The quality of sob-stories has really dropped this year if having a single mum counts. Not even widowed, just single. Asbestos Andy is going through. Dannii warns him about confidence. Dominic is going home because he’s ‘vocally not ready’. [Absolute rubbish. Booo, Dannii. - Carrie] Obviously because there’d be no tension if we saw all three successful people. This damn show.

Dannii says Luke is too nervous but the audience won’t ‘get’ Rid. [Get Rid! AHAHAHAHAHHA! - Carrie] Eventually, Luke goes home, because of the whole being young thing. [And the fact that he's a wet dishrag. He'd never make it through the live shows. It'd be rabbit in the headlights. - Carrie] He cries. Dannii cries on the sofa. He gets a manly hug from Dermot, so that’s something. I want a manly hug from Dermot. [The queue starts behind me. - Steve]

Which means that Rid is through. He’s all ‘Yeah! Woo! We’re going to win this! Yeah!’ I can’t believe that Sharon is the only judge that realises that even though he can sing, Rid is an insufferable prick. I really don’t think people will vote for him. [Hmm, I think I will. I like him. I think he's a bit panto-villain, and also I have a weakness for twattish men who can sing. He won't win, but I think he'll make a decent career. Possibly in panto, as a villain. - Carrie] Sigh. I had such high hopes for Dannii as a judge and she has dashed them. DASHED THEM!

Grief porn time! Charlie says it’s the ‘end of the world’. His mum knows it will be good news. Except not. He says he didn’t get through and his family swamp him in hugs. Asbestos Andy has his family explode in excitement. Some woman has a big clip in her hair like from a hairdresser putting your hair out the way to get to the bits underneath. But she’s just accessorising. Luke finds it hard to take. He just cries. He’s going to do his GCSEs then focus on singing. Oh, sweetheart, you’ll be fine. Poor wee thing. [It's kind of terrifying that the only person in the history of the show ever to have a rational response to that news was a 14-year-old. - Steve] Dominic thought there was a place on the stage for him but obviously not. Big hugs. ‘You’re my star son. You always will be and you always have been and I’ll love you forever.’ says his Gran? Mum? Some relative anyway. It’s very sweet. Rid’s family jump up and down and say he’s going to win. And see above re: insufferable prick Fucking Crackhead Leon. His mum’s about 20. His mum’s happy. Blah.


Now we’re at Sharon’s house. Hee. I nearly typed ‘Sauron’.

Komedy Kimberly doesn’t want to go back pulling points. [Possibly she means 'pints'. It's hard to tell. - Carrie] [Leave my typos alone!-Joel] [Sorry, didn't think it was a typo, thought it was an approximation of her Brummie accent! - Carrie] Little Victoria goes ‘blah blah honk’. She says nothing of import. Kim does the same. ‘Blah blah blah.’ Who the fuck ARE you? Alisha just wants the chance to do what she loves. ZombiEmily cries about how her family believe in her and she doesn’t want to go home. Oh whatever sweetheart, you rose from the dead, you’re going nowhere.

They play Leona over the top, thereby highlighting the shitness of the contestants this year. Good move, Show.

Sharon tells Shrill Steph that she has been standing out for all the judges. And that she is great. But that she is going home. Thank god. She’s shit. Sharon tells Alisha she’s old, again, all ‘you’re too old for my age group,’ which, no, shut up Sharon. Sharon says ‘you’re going to hate me’ and then puts her through to the live shows. Boring non-existent Kim goes home and Sharon says ‘I really really want to thank you’. Sharon tells ZombiEmily that the judges were really blown away at first but she hasn’t been as good since. True. ZombiEmily cries. Sharon’s like ‘look at me! I’ve got something to tell you. LOOK AT ME!!!’ [And ZombiEmily throws a fucking mental fit, whining, "I don't want to hear it!" For fuck's sake, child, grow up. - Carrie] [Word. This really made me hate ZombiEmily. She's indestructible, she ought to have grown a spine by now. - Steve] ZombiEmily is, of course, going through. She’s like ‘shut up!’, which is quite sweet.

Victoria is going home. I have nothing to add to that. Sharon wants to know why Komedy Kimberly has shown no emotion. She’s ‘covering it up with smiles’ and says ’I just want it so much!’ Sharon says, ‘You’ve got it. You’re in.’ Kimberly screeches and says her mum will wet herself. Heh. [I love Komedy Kimberley. I really, really do. - Steve]

FUCK ME!! Sharon got it totally right. Those are absolutely the people I would have put through. Well, I would have put AnnaLisa through, but given that that isn’t an option... [I know! If Sharon's not careful, she might even win this year. - Steve]

Steph says she didn’t get it. Her family hug her. I don’t care cos she’s shit. Her dad’s proud of her and then he kisses her on the mouth a tiny bit too long. [Still not as creepy as Ray's dad dry-humping him last year. - Steve] Alisha’s family bombard her with screams and hugs. (She’s great and gorgeous but I still think she’s doomed...Leona kind of broke the pattern of black women on these shows but she’s a) amazing and b) pretty white-looking and I think Alisha will join the Maria and Dionne School of Talented Black Women Who Left Too Soon.) [Oh God, yes. I love Alisha and want her to win, but I think an early exit is far more likely. - Steve] Victoria’s family meet her at the airport and hug her. Kimberly’s family mob her in the pub, all screams and excitement.
Kim says that she didn’t make it. Most of her family don’t hug her. [They look at her blankly. Bad family. Bad unsupportive family. Perhaps she can try again next year with the sob story, 'my family Who Don't Share My Dream'? - Carrie] Harsh. We are told by some relative that ZombiEmily is special. Yes, we know, She Is Again Risen! Shut up. Emily’s mum loves her Zombie Daughter. Good. She’s through, whatever, from the second we heard she was a Zombie there was no doubt about that. Emily is good anyway. She doesn’t need to have the constant ‘I rose from the dead! Vote for me! Braaiins!’ nonsense.

Simon has the groups. Simon is a sad panda because he has to tell people he likes they’re not through.

W4 girl says that no matter how strong they are, if they get a no, they’ll never have this chance again. I think I prefer that to the ‘You haven’t heard the last of me! Rahhhh!’ *shaking fist* thing. Ghostt (wherefore two ‘t’s?) go on about stuff. ‘Blah blah blah,’ they say. Probably something about children.

All the groups say boring shit of no consequence.

Ghostt are in matching different colour polo shirts like the chipmunks. They’re going home. Good job Simon – he learned that r’n’b boy bands fail in this show and axed them early. [But...but...I need my token earnest urban R&B group. Who will invoke God's assistance now? - Carrie] The Happy Incest Twins are two of the nicest people Simon’s ever met but he acknowledges they’re a love it or hate it act. They’re through. I love the Happy Incest Twins! [The bit where the camera did a close-up of Sean crossing his fingers was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. He's adorable. - Steve] I Sette Cantanti haven’t made it. Simon didn’t think they were enjoying it. They did seem a bit mopey but then they’re teenage outcasts, of course they did. One of them is hot. Futureproof are through. It comes down to W4 versus Hope. Simon thinks their arrangement was great but they have to be a gang, not just a group. We don’t know who he’s talking to. We finally see that W4 aren’t through and Hope are. They mob Simon. He got girls all over him. He’s happy. It was probably his only aim. Poor W4. They were actually good. [And were a gang, not just a group. - Carrie]

I can’t believe they fly the contestants on fucking EasyJet. The Happy Incest Twins’ family are all like that! Screamy and bouncy and just so damn happy. Poor I Sette Cantanti get a little quiet meet at the airport and no-one seems to care that much. A W4 girl says ‘my family are going to hug me and it’s all going to be all right’, which is pretty tragic. A Futureproof boy gabbles something completely unintelligible about family. Their assorted families are excited. Ghostt are getting on with things. I guess this is my last chance to say, ‘Get a fucking job’. Hope scream with excitement and then BADOOM as they’re celebrating the screen goes black and white.

WHAT?

IS?

THE?

SHOCKING?

NEWS?

CiCi has a criminal conviction with an outstanding sentence. [THE HORROR! - Carrie] Oh, Cici. Or CeCe. Or See-Sea. God knows, it’s not like the show’s going to tell us. [It's actually SiSi. Heh. - Steve] Poor thing. So sad. Although also, you were told the rules, dumbass, spend your conviction and then audition. She goes off crying, as you would. The producers want Hope to carry on, which they will. They all hug CiCi goodbye and then promptly forget she ever existed [This made me laugh so much. Hope promptly prove to Simon that they are in no way any kind of gang, they are a rabble of no-hope wannabes who would sell their NotDead Parents for fame; they have basically trampled over their departed colleague in their eagerness for the pitiful sliver of televisual stardom. It would have been much, much classier if they'd said they were a proper group now, and they couldn't contemplate continuing without her, and thanks but no thanks, they'll try to make it on their own. Or even if they'd had time to draw breath between the producer asking, "Will you continue without her?" and their unanimous reply, "YES!" - Carrie]

We’re in Dublin, in Ireland, with Louis, who is from Ireland, and so we’re in Ireland, with Louis, who is from Ireland, a city of which is Dublin, where we are, with Louis, who is Irish. Got that? Zyta wants it really badly. Dead Dad Woman wants her kids to smile for a good reason. Carpenter Daniel says some stuff. Apologies for the complete lack of detail in this recap but seriously these people do not say anything worth repeating. Icaro talks some shit. Single Dad Daniel cries a bit. Whatever. I don’t understand what he’s saying. It’s all just noise. Fucking Shouting Beverley says going through will mean Louis has faith in her. It’s taken her a long time to have faith in herself. Lovely. Whatever.

They are all SHIT. I like Zyta the best, but I don’t like her. Zyta is going home. She is sad.

Single Dad Daniel is going through. I guess he’s fit. [He's a DILF. - Steve] Daniel The Carpenter is therefore going home. Oh look, he is! Louis says, ‘I haven’t seen any personality’. That’s a bit harsh. FUCKING NO. Icaro is next and that means he’s going through because of the laws of televisual tension. Oh! He’s going home. Thank fucking god. He shouldn’t have made it past the producers at the first auditions. But that means there’s no tension – two places. And two people. Dead Dad Woman is through. Bellowing Beverley is through. Stupid Foghorn.

Carpenter Daniel is going back to work. Dead Dad Woman is going home to tell her sons. I shout ‘fuck me, she’s not even a single mother!’ because I’m so inured to sob stories that I just assumed no-one with a husband and children would even audition. Her husband seems nice. Zyta thinks her family will still be proud. I hope so. [I'm not going to miss Zyta's voice, but I will miss her snazzy dress sense - she's always so well turned-out. - Steve] Icaro is back to stacking the shelves. Whatever. I don’t care. His family hug him and stuff. Single Dad Daniel misses his parents WHO ARE DEAD. He goes home to some gays and some girls and his kid [who he only sees once a week. He is not even a Real Single Dad. - Carrie]. He seems sweet natured but he bores me.

This didn’t upset me as much as normal because I hate them all. Last year I was crying at this episode, just because seeing people so devastated is really hard to watch. This year, only the boys' group upset me because Dannii is being such a tard and putting the wrong people through entirely. Poor little Luke.

They end with a recap who’s through and when showing Hope, singing at Simon’s, they cut the camera angle weirdly to cut CiCi off the end. HAHA! That’s pretty damn harsh, right there. [The lesson here being always stand in the middle if you're in a group, just to make it harder for them to oust you. - Steve]

Like: Kimberly, Alisha, Emily, Hope, The Happy Incest Twins
Hate: Beverley, Rid, Leon
Don’t give a shit one way or the other: Futureproof, Daniel, Andy, Dead Dad Woman

[I don't know who I like yet until I see the first proper shows. I want to like Asbestos Andy as he has very pretty eyes but he seems quite dull. - Carrie]

The live shows start on 20th October which might mean we’ve got some respite from this shit-shower, but probably means they’ll take the chance to parade some more mentally ill people embarrassing themselves. [That's no way to talk about the England rugby team. - Carrie]