Knock me down, Buttercup

Top 11 Perform: 27th October 2007

We start the episode with a whole load of stuff about ZOMG! SHARON WALKED OUT! CAN THE SHOW GO ON? THIS WHOLE THING IS ENTIRELY SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT! IT WASN’T JUST SHARON HAVING A MENOPAUSAL HISSY FIT! SHE COULD ACTUALLY HAVE GONE!

Tonight! Live!! It’s!!! The!!!! X-Factor!!!!! This show’s sense of its own importance is unbelievable. The house band play Puff Daddy’s ‘Come With Me’ as Dermot enters. [I like when he has the drumbeat to strut on to. It's like Sharpay demanding rhythm from the drummer in High School Musical 2. - Carrie] His suit is a bit shiny and doesn’t really fit. [It's an improvement on last week's effort, but Dermot needs to fire his tailor. He's got a good body; I refuse to believe there aren't suits that will show it off. - Steve] I think I miss Kate Thornton dressed in emerald-green empire-waist dresses with big black ribbons on. Dermot says ZOMG SHARON LEFT some more. We get shots of newspapers and, Sharon going on about how upset she was. It’s not about you, you awful woman. It’s about the contestants you screwed over by a) giving them such dreadful songs and b) abandoning them all week to have interviews on daytime TV about how upset you were, meaning, judging by the show, that they got the work experience boy to choose their songs. Simon says, in short, ‘major sulk, two artists in the bottom two, didn’t like it. Get over it’. Go Simon. Flashes of Eamonn Holmes and Paul O’Grady telling Sharon that if she doesn’t go back to The X-Factor the moon will become as blood, the rivers will cease to flow and dogs will walk on their hind legs, imitating the ways of man. She has the fucking GALL to say to camera. ‘It’s not about me, it’s about Emily and Alisha’. Perhaps you could have thought about that, ooh, a week ago, you withered old hag.

HERE ARE THE JUDEGES!!! MUSIC!!! LIGHTS!!! BOOOM!!! Dermot counts the judges and says there are four. FUN-EE! Dannii looks foxy. The rest look a mess. [And Louis and Sharon are holding hands. - Carrie] [Louis is probably doing that to stop her running off again. Also, the audience's cheer for Sharon was sickening. They should've booed her attention-seeking ass right off the set. - Steve] It’s songs from the movies! Wapow! Are you excited! Woot! ZOMG! Leona’s going to be number one!! Celine Dion will be here! The ridiculous rapid-fire excitement is such a joke.

I have never heard the audience so excited as in this episode. They’re frantic. It’s terrifying. It’s like they’ve been whipped into some frenzy like a Nazi rally or are baying for blood in the Coliseum.

Oh, poor Hope have the first slot. Charlie is a full time mum and she’s never been away from her son. Boo hoo. Don’t enter the fucking competition, then. Get a job and shut up, like most people. [As soon as she mentioned the motherhood thing, I knew Joel would point out what was wrong with the picture. - Carrie] They get to see Celine. She bellows and honks and shouts and bugs her eyes out. She reassures Phoebe it’s okay to forget the words but doesn’t really demonstrate how to fix it – she’s like, ‘when I forget the words I do this:’ and then proceeds to sing something with the words all seemingly perfectly in place. Maybe I missed a step. Hope are singing Lady Marmalade. Of course. [But with the verb "coucher" rather than "chanter", as performed by Leona last year. - Carrie] Phoebe is so good. They’re really dressed like whores again. Corsets and hotpants. I know that’s part of the whole Moulin Rouge look, but I wish they’d gone for the Labelle version and dressed in, like, silver space suits. Phoebe fucks up the words a bit. Weird choreography based around a park bench. Charlie stands on the bench. This blonde who I totally don’t recognise looks absolutely terrified. I do really like Hope, and thought this was a pretty decent performance, but somehow when the Pussycat Dolls or Pink, Mya, Christina and Lil Kim do this sort of thing, it’s fine, but when British girls do it it’s just grubby and distasteful. [I genuinely thought the whole song was rather mediocre. And I'm sure most of the decent harmonies were coming from the backing singers, not Hope. - Carrie] [I thought they sounded off throughout the whole song, personally. It looked like a St Trinian's end of year revue. - Steve]

Louis says the girls ‘got your act together’, are like they’ve ‘been doing it for years’ and are ‘fantastic’. Sharon says to forget the ‘Pussydoll Cats or whatever’ it’s all about you! That’s a nice way to show respect to Nicole Scherzinger, whose opinion you apparently value so highly that you invited her to your (not actual) home and got to her judge with you who should go through to the live shows, you toxic bitch. Dannii says that she doesn’t even need to speak as the audience reaction says it all. Simon says they’ve seen lots of dreadful groups over the years on this show, but they’re the best group we’ve ever had on the X Factor. I really like them.

Dannii says ‘Leon, singing Home, from The Wedding’….what? I didn’t catch what she said, and this song is shit, so I don’t know where it comes from. Guys? [The Wedding Date. - Carrie] [No, you both misheard. Dannii actually said "'Home', from the Westlife." Because if Simon and/or Louis didn't have a had in this song "choice", I'm a cocker spaniel. - Steve] Dannii says ‘how dare Simon say Leon doesn’t deserve the place [in the show]? He ain’t going anywhere!’ We’re told that ‘It’s about stripping everything away and stripping it back to the singing’. Celine says he’s unbelievable and that when he sang ‘he became tall and beautiful and strong’ . Scott yells, ‘Put him up your pussy then!’ Hmmm. Green velvet military jackets are not a good look. Especially not with cream trousers and black shoes. It’s a very simple rule: dark clothes – black shoes. Lighter clothes – brown shoes. It makes me want to cry when I see otherwise. He’s still shaking all over the place. Phillip’s back! A couple of really off notes and this song is shit and he’s just trying to do a Michael Bublé impression. But it’s not as bad as last week. But then bubonic plague isn’t as bad as last week. [Bublonic plague, perhaps? - Steve] This is so fucking boring. Stupid crooning bastard. He wanders about a bit. This really is dreadful. Louis says ‘you’ve got a very good voice but you’ve got no personality and no charisma.’ HA! Totally true. Except for the bit about the good voice. Louis mentions that Westlife are about to release that song. Shut up, Louis. [I can't even believe he did that. I expect a certain amount of product placement for Westlife from this show, but that was beyond the pale. I'll be complaining to ITV, and they will be ignoring me. Same as it ever was. - Steve] Sharon says Leon has ‘great vulnerability’. Well I’d be vulnerable if I was SHIT. Simon says ‘You’ve got the look of someone who’s been invited for a quiet chat in Louis’s dressing room!’ HA! Louis tries to fight back with something about the girls coming out of Simon’s room in fishnets but as usual, ‘you’re a really virile man who has sex with lots of attractive women’ isn’t a very good comeback to ‘you’re a predatory closet homosexual who preys on young men who are desperate for fame’. Simon says, ‘you’re so afraid you’re making the audience afraid’. Said audience boos frantically. Dannii says ‘you brought it home!’ and points to the audience support as if that bunch of braying gibbons supporting you means anything. Start making some actual comments, Dannii. Pointing to the audience and supporting this wanker are not helping your course, and I do love you. There’s a smiling woman behind Simon not partaking in all the shit. Leon tried to sing ‘with as much passion as he could’. Well, that’s worrying. The audience keep going ‘off off off!’ whenever anyone makes a bad comment, presumably in a response to Sharon’s hissy fit last week.

Dermot toes the company line some more. He tells us what’s coming up and says that ‘Andy does Travolta!’ which isn’t the case, as he’s singing Staying Alive. Stupid Dermot. Stupid show.

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Beverley is doing ‘I Have Nothing’. Oh fuck. She’s no Whitney. She’s no Leona. She’s no Lakisha. She’s no Vonzell. Her VT has Leona playing over top. She wants to go out with her short hair because she saw Leona being herself and being the winner and wants to be herself too. Scott: ‘she’s skinny and beautiful and you’re a fat chav who eats chicken nuggets’. Plus the fake hair last week was actually gorgeous and really suited her. Celine loves her but that doesn’t say much because Celine is a total yes-man the whole episode. This is going to suck badgers. Oh dear. Raspberry velvet and a massive belt that looks like a surgical support isn’t a good move. Anita Baker wants her look back. [This is a terrible, terrible dress. Also, a big huge belt tied tightly round one's middle, thus restricting one's stomach, lungs and diaphragm, isn't a good idea for someone planning to, ooh, I don't know, SING. - Carrie] The performance isn’t awful but she just chickens out of it totally – she’s hitting the notes but this is a song where you really have to go for it. [Yep. I quite like this song when sung by someone "older", rather than teenagers in auditions, but this is just meh. - Carrie] The backing singers help her. Oh, here we go. She comes back around for another run at it and does the keychange and volume boost, and just fucking yells. When she goes for power she totally loses control. She cries and stuff. Sharon says ‘the contest is made for someone like you’ and that the show will make her dream come true. Yeah, if her dream is finishing 7th and going back to teaching. Dannii says the diva was unleashed. Beverley is an ‘inspiration to women’. Oh hush. [I'm a woman. Beverley does not in fact inspire me. Well, apart from being inspired to go and get out my best of Whitney CD and listen to her version of the song instead. - Carrie] Simon says ‘after the disaster last week it was amazing’. Not the best Whitney version he’s ever heard but her emotion made it special. He finishes by saying, ‘good for you!’ Louis says it was great and she’s lovely. Beverley says ‘I have to do something. This is for all the girls out there!’ and hugs Dermot. Well, that was a let down. At least have a grab at his cock. He hugs them all the time anyway so she’s not gaining much.

Sharon is up. We have more shit about her going. She wishes Kelly a happy birthday. Alisha is doing ‘I Say A Little Prayer’. Oh mother fucker. The only thing worse to attempt than Whitney is Aretha. She does the normal shit about ‘I want to be someone’ and not just sing at weddings. Celine is an inspiration, she says. Celine had chills when Alisha sang. Celine tells us that the trouble of being bottom two last week is ‘behind her already’ and winks at the camera. So odd. Hmm, Alisha is wearing a pink dress and a big pink bow. She looks like a cracked-up Lindy-Hopper. But sadly there is no poodle made of sequins on the skirt. What the fuck is up with Wardrobe this week? It’s not very good, again. She’s better than last week but still kind of nasally up in her nasal. She sings ‘I think of my us dear’. She ends better than she begins. She looks really happy at the end. Louis says he ‘definitely made the right decision’ keeping her and that she’s ‘back in the race but must work harder’. Dannii says congratulations, you did really well, but we haven’t seen the best of you. BOOOOO!!!! go the audience, because anything other than ecstatic praise is obviously hateful. Simon says that she looks cute, it was pleasant, but asks ‘is it good enough to win?’ The audience goes BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! before he even says no. He says it was good but not individual.

Sharon – it took a lot for us both to get back up here. And, just no. How dare you. It’s not about you, you egomaniacal monster. Don’t even attempt to compare you getting over your little tantrum with Alisha getting back on stage after being saved by the skin of her teeth and having to work all week without the woman that was supposed to mentor her. Jesus. She finally says Alisha was good.

Dermot talks to Leon’s mum. ‘I’m SINGLE!’ she cries. We meet Phoebe from Hope’s dad. ‘Did you like how we dressed your barely-legal daughter like a slut?’ Dermot asks.

Simon says that The Happy Incest Twins (I know, they’re not twins, and they’re not committing incest, but I just love the name too much. I suppose I can deal with calling them HIT) are singing Breaking Free from High School Musical, pointedly directing the comment to Louis. Louis goes on to camera some more about them being shit as if he’s the arbiter of good taste, whose record collection is just Patti Smith, Nick Drake and unsigned zither-players from Uzbekistan. Twat. They’re so excited to meet Celine. [Sean especially. His reaction was hilarious, bless him. He did the Gay Gasp (TM Kathy Griffin) and everything. - Steve] Celine says ‘happy people have to share the happiness’. They’re dressed like Americans. The boy has a letterman jacket with ‘SD’ on, which is super cute. They actually have very good voices. Slightly awkward to have love songs between siblings but such is life. They’re like ‘Hooray For Everything’ from the Simpsons. Scott: ‘they’d do anything without asking’ and it’s true – Simon could be like, ‘this week I want you to sing ‘Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter’ and they’d just nod and smile and do their best. Louis says the song is better but they’re weird like wind up Ken and Barbie and are like Eastern European Eurovision acts from the 1970s. Except for the fact that there weren’t really any Eastern European acts in Eurovision in the 1970s, as far as I’m aware. Sharon loves them and says the girl is like Olivia Newton John. Dannii says they make everyone smile, even Simon, and that she hopes they can act because they should have a movie made where they sing and dance. Best. Idea. Ever. (Yes! And Sarah can wear a skirt made of ties! - Steve] Simon says they chose the perfect song and nailed it. Simon says they’ll be in the final and Louis says ‘if they’re sitting in the audience!’ I cannot physically cope with the hypocrisy of Louis Walsh criticising things for being cheesy and dated. It’s creating some sort of tear in the fabric of reality for so much loathsome pompousness to be multiplied by so much hypocrisy and lack of self-awareness in one person. (Also, "dated"? High School Musical came out in 2006, you cretin. Finger on the pulse as ever, Walsh. - Steve]

Daniel is singing Build Me Up Buttercup [because as Dermot points out, we're back with the over-25s with the over-65 Louis Walsh - Carrie]. Oh for God’s sake. Louis says ‘Simon said Daniel was forgettable!’ as though it was unimaginable that this was the case, despite the fact that I’d forgotten what he sang and, despite the clip we saw, have forgotten again as I write this. [I'd forgotten who Daniel was. - Carrie] Simon and Dannii are like, ‘Louis is fucking mental.’ Louis is like, ‘it’s a great song.’ Daniel is like, ‘I’m nervous because this fucking atrocious piece of shit music is completely going to hamstring me in this competition’. Celine loves him too. She’s going to buy tickets to his concert. ARAGH! I’m at the student union. This song was played there practically on rotation. Bleurgh. Build Me Up Buttercup is not a song you sing to show off your vocals. It has about four notes. This is a fucking terrible song, performed terribly. He’s doing really weird dancing. [BAD NotLouis, whose creative direction has sucked this week. - Carrie] [Seriously. I fail to see creativity or direction. I sense a second firing from this show in your future, NotLouis. - Steve] Louis looks very pleased, because he’s a moron. He comes and sings the ‘I need you!’ to the judges. Simon is like WTF? Dannii barely indulges him. Sharon and Louis lap it up. That tells you all you need to know about the judges, really. Daniel does that twatty chest thump heartbeat thing when he finishes singing. [Also a grunt or two. Ew. - Carrie] Twat. Good thing you’re pretty, Daniel. Sharon says he belongs in a boyband and she doesn’t see him as a solo artist. He has no direction. The audience boo half-heartedly. Dannii says he wants Daniel to choose his own song. ‘LOUIS!! What was that song?’ Louis says everyone loves it. I don’t. It’s shit. The audience cheers. Dannii says ‘do you love it?’ about a hundred times to Daniel. He can’t say yes, saying it’s a good song, but refusing to say he loves it, which is pretty telling. Simon says ‘Fire Louis’. The song was a joke and the performance was awful. Louis says it was great so nyerh! basically. Louis is a fucking moron.

Really disturbing ad bumper with a six year old girl singing about being a love machine.

Rhyd is singing Phantom Of The Opera. God, I hope he wears a half face-mask. Dannii cltuches he hands to her chest with love and says Rhyd nailed it last week. Simon says ‘god only knows’ what his ego will be like now. Rhyd sings for Celine Dion and she is completely speechless for like 15 seconds. It’s hilarious. She says he’s great. There is red carpet everywhere, and flames in dishes. He’s wearing a reddish velvet jacket and lying in the dry ice. He’s like Gary Oldman in Dracula this week. Phantom Of The Opera is a duet, strictly speaking. This is so fucking amazing. I can’t quite believe it’s happening, even while I’m watching it. Oh, they’re just not doing the soprano bits. There are some invisible backing singers though. He ends the song crouched down with his face shielded from the light. I have been fully converted and now love Rhyd. [Me too. Him and HIT are the only things keeping me from going absolutely insane this series. - Steve] The extraordinary campness is something to behold. I don’t think he realises it, I think he means it. Susan Sontag said that camp is basically things that are aiming to be high art and failing and therefore Rhyd = camp personified. I love him. [Hooray! Told you he was good. - Carrie] He’d make a fantastic villain in a film. He’d be terrifying. Louis says he’s head and shoulders above most people in the competition. Sharon says he’s a bigger drama queen than she is, but a drama queen with a great voice. Simon says he’s potentially world class. Dannii reminds us that this is his second stage performance ever, that he’s in the boys' category and isn’t very old. And that she got Andrew Lloyd-Webber to arrange it solo for him (!) (or his permission – it wasn’t totally clear) so Andrew Lloyd-Webber must love him too. That explains the non-duet-ness. Rhyd’s going on about how amazing it’s all been. He’s actually really sweet. He gives a big wave to camera as he goes.

The Zombie Child is next. We rehash how fucking appalling she was last week. She’s doing her schoolwork in the morning so she has less time to work than the others. Boo-pissing-hoo. Simon basically says ‘it’s one and a half minutes, not a two-hour musical we’re asking you to prepare, so shut the hell up.’ Celine was reminded of a young her. Celine gives some advice about looking up and performing better and stuff. God, if Celine the happy praise-bot is giving constructive criticism, she must suck. The Zombie is singing ‘I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman, I AM SHE WHO IS AGAIN RISEN’. She’s got a big purple beret with a button on it and a waistcoat with badges on. [What is WITH the badges? - Carrie] As I asked above, what the fuck is up with Wardrobe this week? We know she’s young, you don’t have to dress her like the bastard offspring of a Greenham Common Woman and Penny Crayon to prove the point. [I was thinking Rudy Huxtable, myself. - Steve] She’s fucking awful, again. She was good at audition but srsly this is terrible. She gets better toward the end but she’s really not good at all. She has one strong moment, but is drony drony bleurgh. [Also, she can't pitch properly, and sticks in some vibrato to hide the tuning issues, except it's really wobbly-bottom-lip-tremble, not actual vibrato. - Carrie] [She's this year's Nikitta. There's a good voice in there somewhere, but nobody has a clue what to do with her. Probably because they can't get close to her for fear she'll eat their BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIINS. - Steve]

Louis says ‘you had a hard job following Rhydian’ and this gets booed horribly even though it’s totally true. Huge overblown theatrical thing with fire and velvet and dry ice and awesomeness is difficult to follow. It’s not in itself a criticism of her. He also says he thinks she’s vulnerable to go home. Which: no. Being undead will keep her safe for a while yet. Dannii says she’s adorable, pointedly avoiding saying anything about the vocals. Simon says it was flat [and that is utterly true - Carrie]. Emily asks ‘my singing or the performance’, which I can sort of understand. Simon says the singing. Sharon goes ‘like the top of his head! and Louis cackles and Simon is like ‘yes, like the top of my head, it is what it is’. Oh, poor Sharon. Her attempted pwnage slipped right off when Simon embraced it and turned it on to the Zombie. Sharon says it was amazing because she wasn’t there all the week so the least she can do is fake her feel better with some lies. The Zombie goes off on this bizarre rant, all ‘I like to sing powerfully but this song relates to lots of girls like me who are between being a girl and a woman like me and I wanted to put this across and express it for them and that’s what this performance did, Simon, IT DID!’ Total lack of grace, right there.

Kelly Rowland is in the audience!! She says ‘there’s some real talent here tonight’. Scott’s like ‘yeah, if you count Kelly Rowland.’ [Oh, Kelly Rowland. Has it really come to this? - Steve] Dermot asks Simon how the fab four are. Erm. There are five in Futureproof. [Maybe one is going to get dramatically arrested during the show for failure to complete community service? - Carrie] Simon is going to kick them up the arse this week, because apparently the retcon says they were shit last week, even though they were perfectly servicable. Celine touches up the little frog-faced one. ‘Is there a place for them? I don’t know, I don’t know. But do they have talent? That I know. And they do.’ You’re strange, Celine. They sing If You Don’t Know Me By Now, which was apparently from My Girl. They’re really good, actually. Not shocking or particularly extreme, but vocally very good. The levels are shit though and the music is too loud. But they’re good. Hmm…what with them and Hope, maybe forming a band out of talented solo people is a good idea. Louis says it was better than last week but Simon’s working harder on the girls than the boys. Sharon loves them. Dannii says they’re great and the first boy band where everyone sings in tune. Suck it, Louis. Simon says that this was great. Timing out a couple of times but ‘vocally on the money’.

We’re told some more that Asbestos Andy is fit. He’ll be singing ‘Stayin’ Alive’ Simon says that if it was a big eye competition Andy would win. Dannii says we’ll see a very different Andy. NERD’s ‘Rockstar’ plays and I suddenly wish he was singing that. He’s not. [In unrelated news, I want to know who I have to sleep with to get one of those Team Minogue t-shirts Andy was wearing. - Steve] Celine says it’s a very difficult song to sing solo. Louis says it’ll be a carcrash. Possibly. But at least it will be a car crash from doing some exciting stunt driving rather than just falling asleep and veering into the central reservation, like Daniel’s was. Andy starts on the audience outcrop bit. He sticks his hand out but no-one grabs it. He does some little dancing. His vocals are incredibly mushy. The notes aren’t bad but they’re not going for the nigh notes and his phrasing awful. ENUNCIATE, BOY. Simon is grinning. Andy is wearing black jeans, a grey hoodie and a black leather jacket. I wanted a medallion and frilly shirt. I suddenly realised toward the end that we’ve just seen his sexface. It was disturbing. Even though you only see his face you just know his hips are thrusting at you. It’s not entirely unpleasant. Louis says it was a big big mistake and that Dannii is wrong. ‘Off off off!’ go the audience. Louis says it was karaoke. Sharon says he did his best, it was a little bit weak but it was his best. Simon says he loved the dancers. ‘THEY WEREN’T AT THE AUDITION, SIMON!’ says Louis, in perhaps his best non-sequitur yet. ‘What’s the matter with you, Louis?’ mutters Simon. And goes on to say it was karaoke and Louis’s like ‘thank you!’ For fuck’s sake. Dannii says the audience loved it. That means nothing, darling. Dermot toes the line some more – isn’t it good to be different? and Simon’s like, not when it’s shit.

Niki is singing My Heart Will Go on [from 'The Titanic', according to Louis - Carrie]. She loved performing last week. They show Simon saying it was great and gloss over him saying ‘so shut the fuck up about your dad’. She’s good, but she’s no Celine. Celine has bitchface as she sings. Niki says ‘I have to sing a Celine Dion song in front of Celine Dion.’ No you don’t, love. Unless she’s hiding under a blanket or something, she’s not in the audience. Niki is showing a lot of tit. [That dress is too small for her, that's why. - Carrie] The audience cheer after the first line, like Stars In Their Eyes. Oh dear. Wrong show. Like Beverley, she’s perfectly adequate within the parameters she’s set herself, but it’s so half hearted. And when she does up the volume it is Not Good. Certain words are just croaky and off and not good. She’s almost crying. Whatevs. The audience are going fucking mental. Sharon says she’s so brave to sing it in front of Celine and it was brilliant. Performance of the night. [Fucking rubbish. I've been bored of this show tonight since Rhyd finished, and this was dull and out of tune, for goodness sake. - Carrie] Dannii says she’s going to be in the competition for a long time and blows her a kiss. Simon says he warned her but she pulled it off and tells her, ‘remember this night as the night you believed in yourself’. He thanks Celine for her hard work [although Niki appears to think he's thanking her for being a star and being on the show, and thanks him in return - Carrie] [Yes! That was hilarious. Lack of confidence, my eye. - Steve]. Louis says ‘I gave you the challenge and you won’ and tells her she’ll be in the final. Her boys are in the audience. She misses them. And also her dad. WHO IS DEAD. Although he hasn’t been mentioned at all this week, astonishingly.

Dermot is like numbers vote etc. blah. Hope being sluts but great. Leon being gross and appalling. Beverley shouting. Alisha being passable. Same Difference being the second best thing ever. Daniel singing a shit song, shitly. Rhydian being the first best thing ever. Emily being just atrocious. Futureproof being really good. Andy being bizarre. Niki being good but not as good as everyone says she is. [Word - am with you with all of this, apart from Hope being great; I think they're just a bit slutty. - Carrie]

RESULTS

Recap of the performances. [It was at this point that I decided to switch off and catch up with who got kicked out later. I couldn't bear watching the recap or sitting through the manufactured tension. Apologies for the laxness in my duties this week. - Carrie]

Dermot gives us some clips of Celine. She’s sold 185 million records. Has won 1,096 awards. 2 0scars. (I wonder if they’re in addition to or separate from the 1,096.) 42 number ones. Four years of sell-out Vegas shows. This is accompanied by a weird combination of Celine music and gothic chanting ‘SANCTUS! DOMINUS!’ type music.

God, they’re really determined to show up the contestants, aren’t they? First Leona, now this. Her new song is Taking Chances. She’s gone all Sheryl Crow on us. It’s not a horrible song. I can actually bear to listen to it. God. This isn’t a good song. I don’t particularly like Celine Dion. But Jesus Christ she’s so far away from the contestants of this show it’s hilarious.

Dermot’s so short! He asks Celine who was good. She says, ‘I’m happy to be back in the UK.’ She likes them all, it would be hard to be a judge, they’re all great and special. She thinks Leon was great. EW?!?? She loves Rhydian and thinks he’s in a different league. Dannii looks thrilled. Rhyd can be on Broadway. [Next stop Les Mis for Rhyd? - Carrie] Dermot’s like, yeah, hurry up stop talking. He’s no Ryan Seacrest, in terms of hurrying things along smoothly. She also loves Beverley and Niki.

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Carmina Burana plays as the judges and contestants come in. AHAHA!! There’s a sign behind Dermot saying ‘Alicia to win’ [sic]. I love you so much I can’t spell your name! Safe is: Emily. Same Difference. Beverley. She points at God and is dead to me. Andy. Rhyd gives him a hug. Niki. Futureproof. Rhyd. He and Leon hug. Leon. Dermot’s like, all three safe, congratulations Dannii. Hope are safe.

That means Daniel and Alisha in the bottom. Poor girl. Sharon’s fault. Dermot asks if Sharon has any words for Alisha. Rather than apologising like she should, for choosing appalling songs and abandoning her contestants, she says, ‘Fight!’ Helpful, Sharon. Dermot says there were lots of doubts about the song, but any advice? Louis says ‘do your best’. Also helpful. [But srsly, can anything more constructive really be hoped for from Louis and Sharon? - Carrie]

Dermot tells us about Alisha: Louis saved her. Dannii said it was a big improvement. Simon said it was good but not good enough. Poor thing. Even desperate panic votes you normally get after being in the bottom two couldn’t save her. She’s a lot better this time round. Confident and strong and her voice sounds interesting and quirky rather than just off key. We see Dannii clapping excitedly because her three are through. Not appropriate, Dannii. Pretty fucking classless. You’re testing me. Alisha was so much better this time around. Actually really good. Dermot says she was singing her little heart out.

Oh dear, Daniel is shit. If they’re voting on these performances alone they have to save Alisha. Because ZOMG this is bad. He tries to do sexy waist dancing but it doesn’t work. Dannii looks grossed out. when he dances with the judges. Louis is bobbing his smug little head side to side because he likes this song and has forgotten that someone’s place in the competition is at stake. Twat.

Dermot asks Alisha how hard it was to sing again. She says it was really hard, but she wants it and hopes people feel her eventually. Daniel says maybe the song was the wrong choice but he gave it his best shot.

Votes time. Louis says Alisha is going home. Dermot - ‘no surprises there, you’re Daniel’s mentor’. I love how this show can’t even pretend its own lies are suspenseful. Sharon is sending home Daniel. Someone goes ‘hooray!’ [Maybe me? - Carrie] Dermot reiterates how totally unsurprising this is. Dannii: ‘Do I have to, or can I run away?’ Dermot prompts her. Who are you sending home? People yell ‘Daniel!’ Ha. Dannii says Daniel. Woohoo! Simon says Alisha, it was her second time in the bottom. He still likes her but she hasn’t been given the right song. Daniel was given a ridiculous song and he didn’t like. I have to decide who I think could improve the most. Simon sends home: Daniel!! HOORAY!!

Poor Daniel, really. I mean. Build Me Up Buttercup. Srsly. Poor Alisha. I think my fondness for her is still largely based on being foxy with amazing hair, but she was actually good for the first time. I want her to sing ‘One Thing’ by Amerie. She’d rock that. [Oh my fucksy, yes. But it's not like Sharon's ever heard of that song, so I think our dreams shall remain unfulfilled. - Steve] I want to like you, Alisha, but you really need to raise your damn game. We see Daniel’s montage. He looks totally stunned in the corner. He puts his arm on Dermot’s shoulder. Hot. Final word from Louis is: ‘I thought he had a lot more to give the competition.' He still doesn’t apologise for the despicable song choice that doomed Daniel. Daniel had a chance to sing for millions of people and really wants to thank them.

Next week: it’s Big Band night and Boyz II Men are in. Are they even still about? And I am suddenly hugely glad I won’t be doing the recap. [Oh, for fuck's sake. Big band? Really? And it's my turn? Truly, I have displeased the gods. - Carrie]