Ten Things I Hate About Louis

Transmission date: 15th October 2005

LIVE SHOW

Live shows, everybody. Kind of the unfortunate anticlimax, where there aren't any really pathetic wannabes left to make fun of (except Chico) and the whole thing isn't as interesting anymore. But this is no fairweather blog, and we're sticking with it to the bitter end. Even through the 90-minute opening show and the 30-minute results show. That's 120 minutes of The X Factor I've sat through with a notepad for you guys, videoing the whole godforsaken thing. I'm just too nice for my own damned good.

New! Glamourous! Montage! Everyone's been glamoured up to the nines, everyone looking far more attractive than any of the contestants on Britain's Next Top Model (except Chico), and interspersed with the same old shots of the judges. Call me cruel, but I enjoyed the unfortunate juxtaposition of Louis's beautiful acts and Louis's own pug face. I'm inclined to think half of the production budget of this show was spent on this montage. Which is a shame, since it's only getting one paragraph of update regardless.

Credits! Same old shit. Kate walks onto the newly-blue live studio set, which looks bigger and more impressive than last year's, although I think this is just a trompe l'oeil and it's exactly the same except for the colours. I'm relieved to be finally saying this: Kate looks good. She's wearing a nice understated black dress [The straps made her look very broad in the shoulders, though. - Joel] and has her hair tied neatly back in a faintly schoolmarmish way. She introduces the contestants and the judges and holy hell, what happened to Sharon's hair? It's gone all blonde and floppy, and dare I say it, but she looks good too. Younger, I think. And a bit mumsy. After a lot of old guff about how exciting it is to be here and a lot of stuff we've heard paraphrased versions of all the way through the series (no way, I'm not writing about it, this is going to take me long enough as it is) we get to the good stuff. Kate announces that we're going to start with the groups, which initially makes me think that all of the groups are going to go first, putting Simon at a massive disadvantage, but that wasn't how it actually worked out in the end.

The first act to perform live on the show this year (which must make them incredibly nervous) is the Addictiv Ladies. I don't envy them having this slot; it must be almost impossible to make such an impression in the first slot that people still remember you as their favourite act. They sing 'Superstar' by Jamelia, or Christine Milton if you're that way inclined. Lead singer Fleur is rather wobbly on the vocal front, and I'm not sure if this is a genuine vocal problem or just nerves. Surprisingly, the other girls have sorted out their harmonies and are sounding much better. Not particularly great, but better. They've got a bit of a dance routine going on, and it's all quite nice, if not entirely in time with each other. The whole performance isn't anything to blow you away and has the faint whiff of karaoke, but is better than I expected. [It still wasn’t great, but at least they were all flat in the same way this time, instead of different variations of flat. - Joel] I'm disappointed when it ends, not exactly because I was enjoying it, but more because I felt that it never really had a chance to get going. A song like 'Superstar' really lets you let rip when you get to the middle eight, but when you have 12 acts to squeeze into a 95-minute slot, that's never really going to be possible, especially when you want to fit in as much pathetic infighting between the judges as you can.

Kate throws to Sharon for comments, and Sharon talks about how much she likes the girls and how they make her smile. She also gives them credit for looking like 17-year-olds, which they are; in other words, she admires them for not trying to look older than they really are. [I kinda thought they were dressed like croupiers. - Joel] Louis is next, and less complimentary: he thinks they looked like they were performing in a school hall for a bit of fun, calling them "amateurish" and saying that they need a lot of vocal training. All of these things are true, but that doesn't mean I have to like or respect him, right? Largely because I'm sure that if they were one of his acts he would have said they were great and if any other judge had tried to say that, he would have made snide comments. Simon admits to having had sleepless nights about putting them through, but thinks they "did fantastic". I'm sending Simon a book on the deployment of adverbs for his birthday. He also comments that Louis hasn't been to a school in 50 years (I was going to make an obscene comment about Louis's possible reasons for returning to school here, [Ha! That’s exactly where I went too. - Joel] but my lawyer has advised me against it), and in the first of many pathetic responses tonight, Louis crows "I went to your school play." Not funny or cutting, Louis. If you can't say anything intelligent, please be quiet. In fact, could someone gag him? Thanks. Kate asks the girls for their comments, and Vivienne (I think) thanks Louis for his words, and saying that they will take it on board and be even better next time. Kate comments that it was a mature response for a 17-year-old, and I agree. Louis could learn something from these girls. Instead he nods his head and makes some comment which looks like "good, I hope so" but is drowned out by the audience cheering. Simon shouts "you were brilliant!" which is quite cute. Kate gives out the voting numbers and the multitude of ways in which you can vote, and an unfortunate slip of the tongue makes it sound like she's telling us that sex costs 35p. Hee. Insert "cheap skanky ho" joke here.

Next up is Shayne, who's looking good in his made-over shots against the black background. He comes onto stage looking decidedly less glamourous, and sings Richard Marx's 'Right Here Waiting'. His vocal is quite good, and definitely stronger than the Addictiv Ladies, but his voice is nasal and boring to listen to. Also, he has an extremely irritating and distracting way of pronouncing his rs, making more of an "urrrr" sound with them. "Whurrrrevurrrr you go, whatevurrrrr you do, I will be right heurrrrr waiting furrrrr you". I really really hope he doesn't do that next week. Also, his rendition of the song isn't a patch on Cheryl's on Popstars: The Rivals. Simon declares Shayne "one to watch", correctly pointing out that some of his phrasing is off, making him sound like a pub singer, and that he needs better songs (word, Simon) but that he sees him at the end of the competition. Sharon says that she thinks he's insecure, and Simon interjects that he needs to be singing a younger song, which Sharon agrees with. Louis completely misses the point of Simon's pub singer comment by saying that all the great singers started in pubs [All the great singers, from Tom Jones to Engelbert Humperdink, he said. Because that’s really a broad church. Idiot. - Joel] (yes, Louis, and an awful lot of singers never get beyond pubs, which is the point that Simon was making, you cretin). Kate invites Shayne to talk, and oh dear me, this boy does not respond to well to being asked to talk spontaneously on live television. He wibbles various banalities, and Kate asks him why the audience should vote for him. Shayne says that we should vote for him because he really wants it. Oh well, that will set him apart from the others, furrrr suurrrrrre. [He should have said he’d get his knob out. - Joel] [And ruin Chico's act for next week? - Steve] Still to come, Kate tells us, are Journey South, Phillip and Chico. If that isn't an invitation to switch off now and never come back, I don't know what is.

Back from the back, Kate throws to Sharon to represent the over-25s, and Sharon wonders what time it is? Time for an intravenous infusion of vodka? Oh no, it's Chico time, apparently. Aarg. Chico talks in VT about how we've not seen the best of him yet. The scary thing is that I truly believe we have. He comes out and does a stagey leap onto the - well, the stage - and kind of stumbles as he lands, which is deeply satisfying to watch. Never one to be labelled a one-trick pony, Chico performs 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy' and changes the lyrics so they're about Sharon. YAWN. Notice how I said "performs" and not "sings", because he doesn't sing. Like, at all. He yells, and he talks, and he grunts, but at no point does he sing. He takes his jacket off and then Chico's Tits take over for the rest of the song. It's an absolute car crash, especially when he tries a bit of Mariah-style warbling at the end. [I think my exact words were ‘don’t do runs. People who can SING struggle with them’. - Joel] GET OFF MY TV, CHICO'S TITS. Louis says that Chico's Tits were "born to boogie" and that he "owned the stage". Oh please. He wasn't even subletting the stage. He calls Chico's Tits "a born entertainer...not a great singer - it doesn't matter!" Oh really? Since when? I was under the impression that the winner of this show got a recording contract. Simon's turn, and he calls Chico's Tits "a nice guy, but what. The Hell. Was that?" And if either of us is ill at any point, I think Simon just secured himself the role of guest writer for this blog, right Joel? [That would be the best thing evah. - Joel] Simon says it was "like being at a Chippendales concert". Has he been to one? Chico's Tits make the "shushy shushy" gesture and reply "Simon, you wouldn't know a superstar if it hit you on the nose!" Apparently I missed the opening of the Louis Walsh School Of Non-Witty Rejoinders, even if Chico's Tits didn't. Simon looks stumped, not because that was a clever comeback but just because how do you solve a problem like Chico's Tits? You just can't. Chico's Tits claim to be speaking for the nation. Simon begs to differ. Sharon interjects and tells Simon that Chico's Tits are "a fabulous entertainer. All-round entertainer. And it's up to the public to decide." You heard her. Please don't let me down. Incidentally, Chico's Tits stand there throughout this holding a red jacket. Indicator of future career, anyone? [I did like it when Kate asked Chico’s Tits how they were going to convert Simon and they said ‘He’s already converted. He’s just pretending.’ But they will not make me buy a Chico’s Tits album. And that’s the point – ‘entertainer’ he may be, but no-one will buy his records. He can’t sing, and on a CD, you don’t get to look at his oily tits. - Joel]

Simon's eyebrows of irony say "that will be a hard one to follow" and he declares it time "to reintroduce the singers to the competition". Yay! Oh, wait, he means Journey South. Boo. After the introductory montage which says nothing of interest, they sing 'Something About The Way You Look Tonight' by Elton John, and it's really not impressive. It's flat in quite a few places, and reeks of desperation. Perhaps Chico's Tits permanently polluted the stage? Also, remember how Joel described the band name as sounding "like an oral sex roadtrip porno"? Take a look at this picture and tell me if the position of Carl's head in relation to Andy, considering the band's name, does not totally squick you out. EW. Anyway, Andy looks more and more like early Bryan McFadden every single day, and they're still a rubbish pub band when all's said and done. Also, is it just me, or are these guys what Sam and Mark will be in ten years' time? Louis says that he's liked them since day one, that they picked a good song (hmm, funny how when the song is good the band gets the credit for it, and when it's bad it's all the mentor's fault) and that they have a great image (ha! ha!). Sharon likes how they're "genuine" and "vulnerable". Simon, of course, sings their praises, citing their lack of attitude, their having earnt the right to be here with all those years in the clubs, yadda yadda yadda. The boys are humble and thank the judges for their kind comments. All very nice, but can someone throw a glass of liquid over Louis already? I'm bored.

Phillip is the next contestant to grace the stage. I'm only going to bother mentioning what people do in their introductions if they say anything interesting, and since very few of them do, that's why this update may seem a little stop-starty. There's something very awkward about his stance on the stage - I can't decide whether he's got a very unnatural posture for singing or whether the mic stand is just a little bit too low for him, but he kind of sings side-on and leaning over, which is all a bit too Notre Dame for my liking. He sings 'Amazed' by Lonestar, and it's one of those songs that I'm sat there for ages going "I know this one, what is it?" before eventually realising, and going "Oh. That one." John and Holly join me at this point before heading out for the evening (lucky bastards) and John remarks that Phillip's "legs look stumpy". Holly points out that he's trying too hard, and has absolutely no charisma. Steve points out that Phillip has massively overactive eyebrows. John remarks that "he looks like every other 16-year-old out on the pull. He should be wearing a bright green shirt or something." And there we have it - that sums Phillip up exactly. He's so generic-looking and so thoroughly lacking in star quality that I wonder what the hell he's doing here when James, Trevor and Alexandra are all at home watching this and weeping with their families. And therapists. What's also depressing is that I'm sure there are messageboards all over the internet that, even as I speak, are filling up with "OMGWTFBBQ he iz lush n gorge!!!!1!!" Maybe Phillip might not be heading for the early departure I anticipated. Anyway, the song is dull and so is he. [And he was doing an Elvis impression the whole time, so twangy were his vocals. - Joel]Sharon comments that Phillip is a dark horse, citing how nervous and insecure he looked at yesterday's sound check and how he surprised her with tonight's performance. Simon: "It was okay. Louis had a lot of people to choose from." HAHAHA! Ohhh, BURN! See, Louis? That is how it's done. "For me it was like someone leaving a boyband - who wasn't very good - and doing their first single - which wasn't very good." The audience boos, even though Simon is right on the money with that one. Louis says that Phillip doesn't have the experience of the other acts, but that he has the talent. "The fact that Simon is unimpressed I think is a good sign." Yes, except for the fact that Simon's production company makes this show. Louis then adds "I hope everybody in Northern Ireland lifts their phones (?) and votes for Phillip." Ahhh, suddenly everything becomes clear. Trust Louis to play the Irish card. [If you don’t vote for Phillip, you don’t feel guilty about the Potato Famine! - Joel] Kate turns to Phillip for his comments, and Phillip is every bit as inarticulate as everyone who went before him. He's so dull! Next!

An ad break, but not before Kate invites us to enter a competition that will allow us to win "a slice of Sharon's lifestyle". Hey, as long as it doesn't involve being married to Ozzy or mother to Kelly, count me in.

After the break, it's Brenda. Hurrah! Sadly, even the lovely Brenda's intro is dull as polyester, but I will point out how gorgeous she looks in her photoshoot. Brenda walks onto the stage, looking fabulous, and sings 'Son Of A Preacher Man' and it's easily the best vocal performance of the night so far. [It’s way too fast though. Not her fault, but the band/backing track (?) has gained half a beat, which gave her trouble with her phrasing. - Joel] She's the only one who looks like she's having fun, and she actually is owning the stage. My only reservation is that this is probably the sort of song that Brenda could do in her sleep and I'd like to see her do something a little more challenging in future. Simon comments that he doesn't recognise Brenda as the woman he saw at the audition any more, and that her transformation is remarkable. His main reservation is that up until tonight he thought she saw the competition as a bit of a joke (and if she does, she's absolutely right) but now he thinks she's in it to win it. His question is: is Brenda a good club singer, or does she have the X factor? "X Factor!" screams the audience as one. Louis is less complimentary: he thinks there's something missing. Hmmm. A hilarious speech impediment? A penis? A mentor by the name of Louis Walsh? [Steve. That’s not fair. He likes blind people as well. - Joel] As far as I understand it, that's pretty much what you need in this show to get Louis's vote, so I think Brenda's doing just fine without those. Louis doesn't see her selling a million records, and calls Brenda "a good backup singer". Sharon compliments Brenda, and informs Simon that the clubs in which Brenda will be playing are "huge clubs, where people will pay hundreds of pounds to come and see [her]." Aw. Brenda, absolutely reeking of class at this point, says that she took the judges' comments on board in Belfast and that she will take tonight's comments on board as well and do better next week. She urges the viewers to vote for her, saying how much she wants to stay on the stage. It's so nice to see someone so articulate on that stage at last.

Next up, the Conway Sisters. Simon tells us in the VT that he's got a lot of confidence in them because they're very good singers. See, Louis? It does matter. I'm struck by how greasy their skin looks in their interview. They come onto the stage looking very boho [It looks like they walked past an exploding River Island on their way to the studio. - Joel] and sing Abba's 'S.O.S.' Some of the notes are a little too low for lead singer Marie, but the harmonies are awesome and are what, if anything, will keep the girls in this competition. Sharon wasn't overly impressed - she calls the girls "too nice" and says that she wants more passion from the performance, which is a fair comment, although I question exactly how much passion you can inject into this particular song. Louis likes the girls because they're Irish (of course). However, he thinks Simon picked the wrong song for them. He snots "I'm surprised you didn't pick 'Dancing Queen', Simon." Simon deadpans, "They'll play that at your wedding, Louis." BURN! Multiple burn there, I think. Third-degree burn. "You'll dance to it," replies Louis, which shows again just how terrible he is at coming up with witty and quick responses. Simon agrees that he chose the wrong song for them, apologises to the girls, and says that if the viewers vote to keep them in, he promises to pick a much better song for them next week. And let's just reflect on Simon's class here, in comparison to every single thing that Louis says during the show. The girls meekly interview that they had fun with the song, promising to bring back some oomph for Sharon next week if they get through. "Give them another chance!" Simon shouts. Aw, again.

Back from the adverts, and Kate introduces the next contestant with her back to the judges. In the background you can see Simon whispering something into Sharon's ear. I wonder what that could have been? Do we think he discovered the thing that Louis doesn't want Simon or Sharon to know about? Great for him if he has, since the viewers certainly never found out what it was. Anyway, the next contestant is Nicholas, and Louis introduces him as a great soul singer. Nicholas mentions in his VT package that getting this far is such an achievement that the hard work has already paid off. Not so much, kiddo; you've got a maximum of ten more weeks before that happens. Now, if you've got a great male soul singer on your hands, what song might you pick for him to sing? 'Stand By Me', perhaps? 'I Don't Want To Talk About It'? No, Louis has decided that the perfect song for Nicholas to show off his mad soul singin' skillz is 'On The Wings Of Love', because Louis is a complete idiot. Nicholas struggles with the song a lot, and doesn't quite seem to be able to find the right key. [He does that thing again where he keeps falsettoing on and on, rather than just showing it off on a couple of notes. - Joel] In general, his performance is awful, but he can't really take the blame, since it's clear he's doing the best he can with the shitty hand he was dealt and it's not his fault that Louis hasn't bought any new records since 1984. Simon says this slightly more politely in his comments, and fingers Louis (ewww, not like that) for picking an inappropriate song. Louis is unwilling to take the blame, of course, and blathers on about how it's a classic, before making a vague comment about how Simon cocked up with 'S.O.S.' so he's allowed to make a mistake too. The difference being, of course, that Simon learnt from that mistake and I doubt Louis will. Louis then proceeds to talk all over Sharon, and where exactly is the Queen of Darkness now? Punch him, Sharon, for all of our sakes. Kate asks Nicholas what he thought of the song, and Nicholas robotically says that Louis didn't force him to do that song, that he wanted to do it too, that they chose it and worked on it together, and if all that is true, MechaNick, why did you stare at your shoes for the entirety of that speech? Phillip's the shy one, but even he managed to look at the camera, for fuck's sake. I suspect that Louis has Nicholas well and truly whipped, and that Nicholas daren't criticise in case he really does end up singing 'Dancing Queen' next week.

Maria! Hooray! I know that Joel and I haven't exactly been subtle about singing her praises, but she really does look absolutely gorgeous in her VT package. It's no wonder that when we first saw her we genuinely thought she was in the 16-24 category. Sharon talks in the VT about what a refreshing discovery Maria is, and how wonderful it will be to have "our own Beyoncé". It's a nice theory, Sharon, but the last person to express a desire to be the British Beyoncé was Rachel Stevens, and look what happened to her. It's not that I don't love the Rachel, but the closest she got to Beyoncé was the way that everybody who bought her album complained that nothing on it held a candle to the lead single. But I digress. Maria sings 'Emotion' à la Destiny's Child, and you might want to dial down the Beyoncé comparisons before they come back to bite you in the ass, Sharon. It's a fantastic performance, though, and the level of control she has over her voice is astounding. Maria is absolutely in a class of her own compared to everyone who's gone before. [My one reservation is that that song relies heavily on backing vocals and she got a little bit lost at points. She needs to do a completely solo number. - Joel] Louis thinks that Maria is fantastic. Simon thought that she was nervous, but that she delivered and that she's the one who can be relied on to bring a shock to the competition. I think he means that she can be relied on to step outside of her comfort zone and sing challenging songs, rather than to sweat so much she short-circuits the microphone. Sharon is extremely vocal in her praise, and mentions Maria's "body to die for". And it's true, as Joel texted me to point out that Maria does have massive tits. Maria tears up a little and begs the audience to vote for her. She's extremely awed by the situation and the praise, and it's completely adorable.

Up next (dear God, is it not over?) are 4Tune, and Simon takes great pleasure in crowing about how Louis didn't put them through to the finals last year. They sing 'I Want It That Way' by the Backstreet Boys, a song that is most familiar to me for the fact that the title is very similar to a line that appeared in a Deidre's Photo Casebook on the subject of male bisexuality round about the time of its release, so it will always be known to me as 'I Like It Both Ways'. Phil, I think, looks so cheerful throughout the whole thing that he does come off looking a teensy bit queer. Sorry, Phil. [Ssh! We love lovely Smiley Phil. He looks like a cartoon. - Joel] Their rendition is largely by-numbers until they get to the key change, where they step out from behind their microphones (oh well, at least they didn't get up off their stools) and start ad-libbing, which is much, much better. I was going to refer to it as "freestyling", but I think free styling is what happened to their outfits this evening, since I'd swear that get-up was donated by Burtons for no charge. [I said ‘It looks like someone shook a Gap catalogue until the boys fell out’, so much the same thinking there. - Joel] I think they looked better before, and that's not much of a compliment. Louis admits that he didn't put them through last year, and that he's not sorry because he didn't think they were ready, and he still doesn't. What, and Two To Go were set for the big time? Pull the other one. Also, note Louis's attitude again here, for we shall refer to it later. Sharon asks them what their names are, and an entire viewing audience screams "thank you!" as one since we no longer have to refer to them as "the one in the mauve t-shirt". She singles out Phil for looking relaxed and cheerful (if that's what the kids are calling it these days) and suggests that the others take a leaf out of his book. Mike, by the way, has tits that rival Maria's, size-wise. Simon thinks they did well. And if I may quote verbatim from my notes at this point: "Louis horrible smug face want to punch it AND KILL HIM."

Penultimately we have Chenai. Louis doesn't have an original bone in his body, so he decides to introduce Chenai by pointing out that Sharon didn't put her through last year. Déjà vu, anyone? Awesomely, we cut to VT but not before Sharon's mic is faded and we can hear her screeching "cheap shot!" over the footage. The intro is dull. Chenai comes onto the stage, and what the hell is she wearing? Seriously, it looks like she was stuck in a walk-in wardrobe during a powercut and just walked into the rails until she felt her body was covered and then went out dressed like that. My notes say "Fugly ensemble, Chenai." Then they also say "AARG" rather a lot, because Chenai sings 'The Closest Thing To Crazy' by Katie Melua, a song I absolutely detest, in no small part owing to the wretchedness of Melua herself, but also because it's just so sickeningly banal. I attempted to take notes, but they read thus: "Chenai sings Melua's 'Closest Thing To Crazy' and I just cannot AAARG make it stop I hate this song. Good vocal but I just CAN'T LIKE IT." Like Nicholas, the song is not Chenai's fault and she does the best she can with what she's given, but at least this song is in the same ballpark as Chenai's type of song so she does a number on it and comes out of the whole thing with a bunch of Radio 2-loving fans, I'm sure. Sharon: "Chenai! I know how to say your name. Your mentor doesn't, but Mrs O does!" And she cackles. And little things like that are the reason why I would quite like Sharon as my mentor if I were on this show. Sharon is graceful in her comments and says how happy she is to see Chenai in the finals, which is exactly what Louis should have said about 4Tune but of course he's too much of an utter wanker to think of a little thing like courtesy. Again, my notes say, à propos of nothing: "Louis is so petty and so fkn hateful. Can't bear the little pug shit." Simon says the song is too old for her, to which Louis crows that it came out in 2003, and implies that Simon doesn't have his finger on the pulse. Uhh, Louis? What Simon meant is that it's a song for an older person than Chenai to sing, in much the same way that 'All By Myself' was a completely inappropriate song for Cassie to sing last year. Interestingly, Chenai is 19 and Katie Melua was 19 when this song was released. You might think that makes it fine, but the song includes the line "feeling 22, acting 17". It was stupid when Melua sang it, not least because the difference in most people's behaviour between the ages of 17 and 22 is barely perceptible, but also because she hadn't even reached the older age yet. Kate asks Chenai if she thought the song was wrong for her, and Chenai admits it's not what she would normally choose to sing. Since there are no flies on Sharon, she immediately asks what Chenai would have chosen to sing herself, and Chenai attempts to save Louis by saying "Whitney, Aretha, but everyone chooses that!", but I think it's clear that Louis is trying to market Chenai to a demographic entirely different to the one she's suited to. I've found all of Louis's song choices to be pisspoor at best this evening, and I'm convinced that he's determined to make his acts as boring and MOR as humanly possible. Conclusive proof, I think you'll find, that he is Girls Aloud's manager in name only, since otherwise they'd be sitting on stools and doing U2 covers like Bellefire by now. Or serving shots off their bellies in Stoke nightclubs.

The last act! Finally! The best slot to get because all the audience will remember you, and I can't help feeling that it's slightly wasteful to give it to Andy, since no one was likely to forget about him anyway. Sharon refers to him as "the coolest man in the UK". I'm not sure we've seen much evidence of that. The fact that Andy is a binman is mentioned several times, everyone mentioning distastefully how the tabloids picked that up and ran with it, and if you really don't want the "singing binman" label to stick then STOP MENTIONING IT. Andy sings 'The Greatest Love Of All', and his mic level is too low, which is a problem that's beset several people this evening. Because he's Andy, though, it matters not one bit, and he brings it on home without even breaking a sweat. Wasn't this one of Steve's songs from last year? Is Andy basically just Brookstein 2.0? Because if he is, why don't we just give him the prize already so we can all go home? I'd love an Andy/Maria final, but I'm not sure how possible that is. I'm sure that even if the votes went that way, the producers wouldn't let one judge have two acts in the final, it would be ludicrous. And at this point I realised that Maria will never win. Sniff. But as long as none of Louis's acts win, I don't care, and I will throw every last piece of my support behind Andy if it means Louis loses for a second year in a row. Louis can't believe Andy is unsigned. Simon wishes Andy were in his group. Basically it's a big Andy love-in, and deservedly so. Barring natural disasters and acts of God, this guy's a shoo-in for the final.

Kate tells us we have one hour to vote, and recaps the numbers. Who's your favourite? She tells us that they'll be back at 8:35pm, and signs off. Would that I could. [I’m loving the judges’ pictures by the phone numbers, because Louis looks so spectacularly like an old woman that it’s hilarious. He should be in a Clover advert, making boiled egg and soldiers for his grandchildren. - Joel]

Results Show

And we're back! Does it mean anything that Andy's face is the last one we see in the pre-show montage? I can't remember if that happened the first time around, but maybe the deification of Andy starts here. Kate thanks us all for our votes, and says the response is "massive". Interestingly, we're not given any actual figures so I wonder if we're down on last year. I also wonder how many votes are being cast in this compared to Strictly Come Dancing over on BBC One. I wish I were writing about that show. The text and interactive votes are closed, but we have three minutes to land a final vote in. I've already cast my vote, thanks Kate. We get a visual recap of tonight's performances, on the off-chance that anyone who didn't see the show might be insane enough to want to vote anyway. I won't say any more about this, because it's all above this. You were there. I was there. Remember? We had cake. Ahhh, good times. The voting closes, and apparently they're being tallied exactly as they come in, because there isn't even a pause before Kate announces the names of the acts who are definitely through to next week's show. They are, in no particular order: Phillip (they'd better be in no particular order, because if he got the most votes I'm impaling myself on a sharp metal object right now). Andy. Brenda. Journey South. Be thankful that I'm not leaving pauses as big as Kate's, because this is ridiculous. Just make the results show shorter already, you cunts. Maria. Yay! 4Tune. Shayne. Nicholas. Chenai. So Louis has a free pass to next week, and I'm pissed off. The mood "heightens" as Kate announces dramatically, "the tenth act coming back is ... (positively Pinteresque pause) ... gonna find out after the break." Behind her, an Addictiv Lady burst into tears. Nice one, Kate.

Adverts. I love Kerry Katona's Iceland commercials. They're as classy as she is.

And we're back. The tenth act coming back is... The Conway Sisters! Hurrah, the public don't like Chico. Just to clarify, this leaves Chico's Tits and Addictiv Ladies to perform a second time for the judges. Kate asks Simon if he has any advice for the girls, and Simon's tells them "you don't need any advice, just do it exactly like you did before." Sharon just makes another comment about it being Chico time, and if that saying catches on, I will kill someone. Addictiv Ladies come back for their second performance, and suddenly I realise something and rush to text Joel my prediction. Simon will save Addictiv Ladies, obviously. Sharon will save Chico's Tits, obviously. And Louis will vote to save Chico, because he'll be thinking about his petty little game of one-upmanship with Simon, and suddenly a vein cracks in my skull at the thought of Chico's Tits on my screen for another week. I pray for Chico's Tits to be in the bottom two with one of Louis's acts next week. Anyway, the Addictiv Ladies sound less nervous the second time round. They're still not good, but they're better. I wonder if they were trying harder because of what Louis said to them? If anything, Chico's Tits are worse the second time around. It's positively embarrassing, and he does all the stupid tricks in exactly the same place as before, which makes the whole thing so utterly calculated and empty that I could vomit. There's a brilliant cut during the performance where we see Sharon looking on with what can only be described as mortified despair, which is much the same as I imagine her to look when Kelly announces she wants to record a new album. Kate asks Simon which act he wants to send home, and either she mumbles or they've changed how they did this since last year, because Simon says "Addictiv Ladies". Kate says, to clarify, "Simon, you want to send your own act home?" Simon instantly corrects himself and says he wants to send Chico's Tits home, and adds "I'll pay for the flight." Kate, quick as lightning, replies "London to London, how will that work, Simon?" Heh. Kate is much more of a worthy adversary for Simon than Louis is.

Sharon votes to save Chico's Tits, which I don't blame her for. Whatever her feelings on either act, she's got a stake in this competition and wants as many chances to win as possible, so she had no choice. She shouldn't have put Chico through in the first place, but that's for another time. Louis smugs, "the act that I'm going to send home are" and then pauses to build the suspense, because he doesn't trust the audience with the intelligence to realise that he wouldn't say "the act are Chico['s Tits]". [I know! Number-verb agreement, Louis! - Joel]To his left, Simon is saying "Louis. Louis. Louis" because he knows as well as I do what Louis is thinking, since the horrible smug grin on Louis's face can be seen from space. Louis finishes "Addictiv Ladies", and there are more Addictiv Tears. Kate shows the girls their X Factor journey. Kate asks them if to get so far and then fall at the first hurdle is "bittersweet", like, no, it's like all their Christmases come at once, dimwit. Simon goes up on stage to console the girls, tells them that they were amazing, and then grabs Kate's microphone and says "Louis Walsh, you are a joke." There is a cheer, I think. Louis waves his arms around and begs for attention, but in a move that endears her to me for evermore, Kate ignores him and focuses on the girls before bidding us goodbye. And there really are no words to express how much of an unfair decision that was. I'm not especially attached to the Addictiv Ladies, and they were never going to win. But they didn't deserve to go out before Chico, and if Louis wants to allow the chip on his shoulder to make all of his decisions, then he should be sacked and replaced with another judge. [Possibly just by a potato chip. It could sit there, quietly going mouldy, and would have about as much useful input as Louis does. - Joel] Neither of the two potential evictees stood any chance of winning, but who stood more chance of developing over the coming weeks: the girls who promised to take their criticism on board, or the former goatherder who already thinks he knows everything? Gah. I've go to stop this before my blood pressure starts resembling pi without the decimal point. So, Chico's Tits live to survive another week, and I hope that a freak voting accident in next week's show leaves all of Louis's acts facing elimination. They don't deserve it, of course, but he does. [Just have to add: if you were to ask him afterwards, Louis would not be able to see that there was anything wrong with what he did, at all. I credit the Ladies with enough sense to realise the decision wasn’t about them, but about Simon, but that’s no excuse for the smug relish with which Walsh delivered their rejection. And he really would have no idea why it was such a terrible thing to do. - Joel]

"Sing 'em a song, Della!"

So, the live shows are almost upon us. Joel and I thought it might be fun at this point if we suggested a song for each act that we'd like to see them perform at some point during the finals. Maybe our ideas will be taken seriously; then again, they might not. But for those of you who care, our suggestions are below:

Chico:
Steve's choice: 'My Shiny Teeth And Me' (Chip Skylark)
Joel's choice: 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' (Aerosmith)
Andy:
Steve's choice: 'I Go To Sleep' (The Pretenders)
Joel's choice: 'Ain't No Sunshine' (Bill Withers)
Maria:
Steve's choice: 'Sweet Love' (Anita Baker)
Joel's choice: 'You're Making Me High' (Toni Braxton)
Brenda:
Steve's choice: 'Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)' (Blu Cantrell)
Joel's choice: 'We Don't Need Another Hero' (Tina Turner)
Journey South:
Steve's choice: 'Take Me Out' (Franz Ferdinand)
Joel's choice: 'I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)' (The Proclaimers)
4Tune:
Steve's choice: 'Don't Leave' (Blackstreet)
Joel's choice: 'Babe' (Take That)
The Conway Sisters:
Steve's choice: 'Love Machine' (Girls Aloud)
Joel's choice: 'Mama' (Spice Girls)
Addictiv Ladies:
Steve's choice: 'All Cried Out' (Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam)
Joel's choice: 'If You Love Me' (Brownstone)
Shayne:
Steve's choice: 'You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)' (Dead Or Alive)
Joel's choice: 'If You Ever' (East 17)
Philip:
Steve's choice: 'The Way To Your Love' (Hear'Say)
Joel's choice: 'Drive' (The Cars)
Nicholas:
Steve's choice: 'Blowin' Me Up (With Her Love)' (JC Chasez)
Joel's choice: 'Never Too Much' (Luther Vandross)
Chenai:
Steve's choice: 'Run For Cover' (Sugababes)
Joel's choice: 'Love Don't Live Here Any More' (Rose Royce)

Will any of them take our advice? Yeah, we doubt it.

Been Around The World And Ay-ay-ay: Part 2

Coming up: 21 acts are whittled down to 12. We know. Then, unbelievably, we get a ‘previously.’ Yes. To tell us what happened an HOUR ago. Scott says ‘just in case you’d forgotten, goldfish!’ and then makes little cheek-popping fish noises. Massive Attack’s ‘Unfinished Sympathy’ plays, quickly followed by their ‘Angel,’ Stop with the Massive Attack! Then we get another section of ‘coming up.’ Then the Nokia competition. The adverts. They managed to give us five minutes of the programme before the adverts this time. But it was all stuff that had been on an hour before. It’s just ridiculous. [Can you say filler? – Steve]

We get ‘Rock Star’ playing again, and it still amuses me. Heifer and Twoby are all excited. Maria says that she made a lot of sacrifices to get there, but is proud of getting so far out of 75,000 people. As she should be. As they all should be. Andy won’t comprehend it if he goes through. Joanne can’t stand not knowing. Brenda’s always wanted to be a popstar and says that her life is ‘in Sharon’s hands’. Not literally though. I maintain that’s how they should do these shows – you win, or you die. That would discourage the freaks and losers. Or given that it’s a singing competition, you win, or you have your vocal cords severed. The music in the background is, to quote Alison Graham from the Radio Times a few weeks ago, ‘that debased piece of schmaltz, Angels by Robbie Williams’. [God, I love Alison Graham. – Steve] Fucking Chico comes to see Sharon. She says ‘[Fucking] Chico, you know that you’ve got the weakest vocal out of the seven.’ She’s been campaigning to keep him and she’s sick of it. So, ‘[Fucking] Chico, you’re going home…and being part of my four!!’. Yes. Fucking Chico is in the final four. Which is just absurd. She just SAID he was the weakest vocalist. I mean, it does require more than just a singing voice, but it does require at least a singing voice, which he simply does not have. [You could be entirely mute and get up there and do what Fucking Chico did earlier. Fuck off, Chico. Also, anyone who votes for him next week is banned. From what, I don’t know, but you will be BANNED. – Steve] She says to Twoby, ‘are you a soloist or do you belong in a band?’ Apparently he belongs in a band, because he’s going home. Heifer’s performance was good, but her vocal didn’t cut it. Go home, Heifer! hahahahaha! Good. In a surprise to no-one at all, Andy is through. Again, I say good. Sharon says to Maria, ‘I know you made a lot of sacrifices to be here.’ Maria agrees that she did, but says ‘I wanna be put through on merit.’ (Another admirable sentiment. Joel 4 Maria 4eva.). Sharon says ‘I’m sorry, Maria…you have to put up with us for another three months, you’re through!’ YAY! I no longer care about the rest of the places, because Maria is through. It comes down to Brenda and Joanne. I didn’t take many notes on the Joanne conversation, and ITV seem suddenly loath to repeat this show, bizarrely. I want to get this posted, so I don’t want to wait for the repeat this evening. Point is, Joanne goes home. Sharon says to a sobbing Brenda that she doesn’t have the best voice, and she doesn’t look like a pop star. ‘Brenda, did you think you’d be in my final four?’
‘No.’
‘Well you are!!’ Brenda’s eyes bulge and she doesn’t quite understand for a moment, but yay, she’s through.
Given that Sharon put Andy, Maria and Brenda through, I can kind of forgive her for Fucking Chico. Because those three are head and shoulders above the rest of their age group, and probably above the rest of the whole competition, so whoever she put through for her fourth is kind of a moot point. And at least Fucking Chico is noticeable and will probably attract the horny menopause vote. Heifer, Twoby and Joanne are all pretty nothingy and probably would have gone out in the first week. All in all, bravo Sharon!

Then we have a big section that I really don’t like, of all the contestants telling their families. Heifer says ‘I’m absolutely gutted.’ ‘Good!’ says Scott. Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ plays. Because it goes ‘when you try your best but you don’t succeed.’ Do you get it? Do you understand the subtle poignancy? I’m not going to recap this in any detail, because it’s horrible. Joanne goes into the house and picks up her kiddy, and tells her family it’s a no. Look, you can all imagine this. Some people are happy and excited, some are totally devastated. It’s like the snuff movie version of Trisha and it’s completely unnecessary. I mean, we don’t need to see people breaking down in tears in the arms of their family to know they’re disappointed. Notable things are that Brenda walks round the corner into her back garden, where her family are waiting, all downcast, and then just screams, as she is wont to do. One of Andy’s children talks to the camera and I said ‘whatever sex that child is, it’s beautiful’. Which sounds odd, but Scott agreed with me, and it does make sense if you saw it. I think she’s a she. [I thought it was a he. – Steve]

Adverts. Spain. Egoiste! This then becomes Craig Armstrong’s music from the Plunkett and MacLeane soudntrack. 4tune came together with a love of music, and this is the most important day of their lives. The Brothers are so excited that they don’t know where they are. The Conway Sisters have faced so many of their biggest fears (which makes me imagine them having to cross a room full of spiders and snakes, to audition in front of the Child Catcher, but that might just be me) and one says ‘I don’t think we’ll ever get this close again.’ Wow, awareness from a reality show contestant. Will wonders never cease? Journey South say stuff that I don’t care about. Eskimo Blonde say other stuff, and all I notice is that one of them has a little pink crochet cardigan on, that she was also wearing in the clip we see of their first audition. Addictive (I don’t care, I’m spelling it properly) Ladies says that they started badly, picked it up, and then let themselves down. 4th Bafivee hope that Simon will look at their whole time in the show, not just yesterday when they forgot the words. Well quite. It’s important that Simon also considers that time in bootcamp where you forgot the words.
Mariah Carey sings ‘Hero’ in the background. Which is to say the track plays. Though how great would it be if she was stalking about Simon’s villa with a wireless mic, singing in people’s ears as they tried to hear Simon’s verdict? Journey South are up. Simon loves them as guys, but says they weren’t as good as at bootcamp. However, they have ‘sailed through to the next round.’ Eskimo Blonde are told that the lead girl is ‘terrific’ but was let down by the other two. They’re not through, and I’m genuinely surprised because Simon seemed to love them. The Brothers, when asked how they thought they did, say they thought they were average. Simon agrees, and they’re not through. I’m reminded of Steve’s comments about their matching-but-not-matching outfits, as two of them are wearing different-coloured t-shirts with chains and dog tags printed on them. No way is that coincidence. The Conway Sisters are told ‘when you’re on it, you’re terrific. On the live parts of the show it could sound all over the place.’ They are, however, through. Obviously. Because we’ve just seen two groups get axed, and there would be no ‘who will it be?’ if three went out in a row. They are completely incapable of editing this show that it has any sort of tension at all. 4tune are also through, and I repeat my above argument, adding that they were a dead cert because Simon called Louis an idiot for not putting them through last year and will want to prove Louis wrong. So it’s down to 4th Bafivee and Addictive Ladies. We cut between them, with Simon saying stuff like I like you, you mess up, blah blah blah. Finally, 4th Bafivee aren’t through. One of them says ‘back to the drawing board, eh fellas?’ and it’s kind of sad. But I don’t care, because that means that Simon says ‘I need my brains testing, you’re through!’ to Addictive Ladies. They scream and mob him.
Solid, unsurprising choices from Simon. It was obvious 4tune would go through, because of the whole ‘suck it, Louis,’ aspect. I would have thought it would be Eskimo Blonde over the Conway Sisters, but other than that, it’s what I thought. One boyband, a ‘rocky’ duo, a traditional girlband and an urban girlband. Simon is totally hedging his bets, and it’s pretty smart. [I’m a bit thrown by some of his choices. Addictive Ladies over Eskimo Blonde? Journey South over…anyone? They suck, and whither the elusive X factor? I could go to a tavern in Vauxhall and see five Journey Souths in the same night if I wanted to. I don’t, obviously. Also, at the request of avid reader Bridget, Simon: please sort out your contractions. Don’t say “but we’ve made a decision” as a complete sentence, especially after listing a bunch of positive attributes. It’s weird and unnatural. – Steve]

More horrible emotional snuff-porn. Addictive Ladies meet their families at the airport and do the big ‘we’re sad’ fakeout. Celine Dion sings ‘Because You Loved Me.’ One of Eskimo Blonde says ‘I can’t bear to be the bearer of bad news.’ The one with the pink crochet cardi is still wearing it, and cries in (what I presume is) her mother’s lap. One of 4th Bafivee’s grans says ‘I love him to bits.’ [The ugly one got a lot of screentime this episode. Well, the uglier one. – Steve] 4tune do the same fakeout thing. Some brunette women with babies say that Journey South deserve it.


Adverts. Dublin. Shayne wants it ‘the biggest I’ve ever wanted anything.’ Philip would love to be overconfident and say he knows he’s going through, but he can’t. Good lad. Arrogance will get you nowhere, Michelle. Alexandra says she’s confident because ‘God knows what he’s doing.’ [Yup, he sure knew what he was doing when his Mysterious Ways booted Scott Savol out of American Idol. Haw haw. – Steve] Shut up, Alexanrda. James says ‘you feel lost’, waiting and not knowing. Trevor says ‘I’ve wanted this for ages but I never thought I could sing.’ Chenai wants it because her little brothers are stuck where they are, and she wants something to take ‘me and my family out of…’ poverty? incest? Wigan? She starts to cry because she wants the opportunity to help her family. My heart cracks a little bit. ‘Your Song’ plays.
Louis says that James is great, but he doesn’t think that a 16-year old will cope and sends him home. James says to Kate ‘I tried.’ And for a kid that young to be that stoic is incredible. Shayne is through, and he says ‘it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.’ Louis tells Trevor he has an image problem, and he isn’t sure that Trevor’s ready for it. And yes, Trevor looks a bit funny with his glasses and his fringe. But as his first audition showed, take off his glasses and spike his hair up and he looks a hundred times better. And also? A tiny little scared schoolboy with the voice of Michael Ball? Will sell MILLIONS of records to middle-aged ladies. Nonetheless, Louis sends Trevor home. Because Louis is a fucking idiot with no idea what he’s doing. [Yeah. I actually thought Trevor was going to win. – Steve] Philip’s up next, and Louis is all ‘I have to disappoint three people’ but there is NO tension, because we know only one girl is going through, meaning there are two spaces left, and two boys to fill them. So Philip’s through, as is Nicholas. We then get a big ‘ooh, which girl is it?’ section. Blah blah blah. Much deliberation. Alexandra goes home, Chenai is through. YAY! At least Louis got one right. Never mind Alexandra, it’s God’s plan.
Seriously though. Louis is a fucking idiot. Nicholas should be through, definitely, and I do like Chenai a lot. But James, Trevor and Alexandra all deserve the remaining spaces more than Shayne and Philip. Much as Alexandra was annoying me with her ‘God this, God that’ and her warbling, her voice is awesome. Trevor is just a scarily complete singer at such a young age. And James is, without the short bus connotations of it, just so special. He’s brilliant and adorable and fantastic. And you know what? They’re all 16. Louis sent home all the youngsters. Despite them being within the age limits of the contest, he was apparently all ‘kids won’t cope.’ Fucking moron. [Absolutely. I think Chenai is Louis’s best hope for this competition, and I still think she won’t win. He’s blown it. – Steve]

The worst of all the emotional snuff films are coming up. Alexandra goes into her house, enters the living room and just starts bawling her eyes out and hurls herself at her family without saying a word. James goes into his house and just says ‘not this time’, in a completely calm, matter of fact voice. He is amazing. Trevor goes into his house and picks up his little sister. He tells his family he’s not through. They all hug him. Much crying. This all takes place to the accompaniment of ‘Let it be.’ All three of those were just horrible to see. It’s really, really not necessary to show us the further devastated reactions of the losers. It seems like they’re going to trail ‘Xtra Factor, with unseen emotional trauma!’ Just. Not. Right. [But they’ll all be back next year, and Simon will totally put them through. – Steve]

I’m very glad this is over.
Next week onward: live shows!

Been Around The World And Ay-ay-ay: Part 1

Transmission date: 8th October 2005
We open with Kate in a white vest in front of the Hollywood sign talking on blahdiblah, some people are left, it’s important, move along folks nothing to see here. Simon’s taking the groups to Spain, Louis’s taking the Under 25s to Dublin and Sharon’s taking the 25+s to her home in LA. Each group greets the news of the destination with immense excitement. Simon says that ‘one of the groups will win’ and I wonder if he has a specific one in mind, or if he just thinks they’re all great. A Conway Sister says ‘the further you go, the more you want it.’ An Addictive Lady says much the same thing. I can’t help thinking they should be a bit more helpful with the names by now. [Meh. The production team doesn’t seem to think so, so why should you worry? – Steve] Especially when the likes of me are watching. In Dublin, to the accompaniment of Massive Attack’s ‘Heat Miser’, Louis says ‘four of them are going to get on TV.’ Apart from the fact they’ve all been on TV for several weeks now. He then says ‘I am looking for the X factor.’ And bravo, Louis, for getting so far and still remembering the assignment. Have a biscuit. He believes that ‘the winner’s in my category.’ Then we cut to Sharon’s, well, palace, in LA. We’re treated to an extensive Through The Keyhole roam around, but we’ve all seen The Osbournes, so it’s nothing new. Sharon says ‘me, personally, I think I’ve got a winner.’ Fancy that! All the judges think the winner is in their category. However will they reconcile that at the end? Then we have a ‘coming up’, a competition and adverts. The programme has been on for FOUR MINUTES. Isn’t that against Ofcom rules? Steve? [I thought it was, but I can’t find anything to back that theory up. They’ve just got to have a period of at least 20 minutes between internal ad breaks. Gentlemen – set your timers! - Steve]

We return from the break to Sharon’s house and N.E.R.D.’s ‘Rock Star’ plays. Hee! ‘You can’t be me, I’m a rock star!’ – listen up contestants, you know it’s the truth. The over-25s get to record some tracks in Ozzy’s studio, and now Madonna’s ‘Music’ plays. Which is to say the track called Music, that wasn’t just bitchy air quotes like Gina G’s ‘comeback’ or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s ‘wedding’. Along with Sharon, Mark the vocal coach (the dick with the multi-coloured beard), the PR guru whose name I missed and Ozzy is, somewhat bizarrely, Rachel Hunter. Her presence is never explained or even particularly alluded to. We see some footage of Maria’s wedding, which she describes as a ‘proper fairytale.’ She missed her honeymoon to come to Sharon’s house. She’s wearing big boots, tiny denim hot pants and little black vest. She has surprisingly enormous breasts, and looks hott. She sings Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Since U Been Gone’, which I think is quite a good choice in ‘look, I can sing different styles’ terms. Personally, I think she nails it, and Guru says she’s the ‘real deal.’ Sharon says the song was too big for her.
Ritchie, the bug-eyed warehouse worker, sings U2’s ‘One.’ He’s shit, shit, shit, and Sharon clearly didn’t learn her lesson with Tabby last year, because this guy is just Twoby. He says to Kate ‘I nailed that badboy!’ and I dislike him a little bit more.
Haifa, hereafter referred to as Heifer because she’s a big cow, sings that ‘Lifting Me Higher’ (your love keeps lifting me, lifting me higher and higher) song that I’m never actually sure of the title of. [It’s called ‘(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher’ by Jackie Wilson. – Steve] She has some taped backing vocals which kind of drown her out. She’s terrible. She’s like the woman that sings the ‘£1.99’ song on the Burger King advert. For her interview, we get more Josh Stone playing in the background. For God’s sake, producers, let the Heifer-Josh thing go already. We get it. [Totally. They both have big hair and they’re both annoying. – Steve]
Andy the Binman sings ‘My Cherie Amour,’ a song I truly hate. It’s note perfect, but kind of stilted. Ozzy looks astonished.
Brenda talks about how she’s been given a golden opportunity, and she’s ‘gonna take it by the horns and run with it…in these heels!’ The camera pans down to show she is, indeed, wearing great big heels. She sings Etta James, and at first I say ‘bad decision’, but she totally pulls it off.
Joanne sings ‘Right Here Waiting.’ We see Kate interview her over her performance, which is a really really bad sign for Joanne’s future in this competition. I mean, they can’t be bothered to show her singing? Yeah, that’s a real long-term investment there. When we do get to see her she’s fine but not exceptional at all.
Now it’s Fucking Chico’s turn. Sharon’s expecting him to pull something special out of the bag. Make your own penis joke. He interviews to camera that ‘it’s Chico time, it’s Chico time.’ He sings ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca,’ jumps into a pool of water and rips his shirt off. He’s vile. Ozzy interviews that ‘I wouldn’t jump in water with a fucking live mic, no way.’ Heh. When Ozzy Osbourne is worried because something you’re doing is too risky, that’s time to take note. Sadly no accidents happened. No Kentucky Fried Chico. Seriously, this guy should NOT be here. Sharon’s menopausal cravings for his cock are not sufficient reason for him to have got this far in a singing competition.
We hear the judges comment over pictures of multiple contestants, to try and confuse us. Maria and Heifer are bundled together, which is just ridiculous because Maria pees all over Heifer. Fucking Chico says, ‘if I’m not good enough then I’m not the man for the job.’ [Chico: You’re fired! – Donald Trump] Over footage of Twoby, Andy and Fucking Chico, Sharon says ‘I would be proud to have him in my four.’ Then over footage of Joanne and Brenda the judges say ‘she’s yet to do a bad vocal performance.’ Which must be in reference to Brenda, given how badly Joanne screwed up at bootcamp.



Adverts. Then Spain. Dance of the Knights from Romeo and Juliet plays again, so I’m totally running with my theory that this is all tied in with the Chanel advert and Simon is an ‘Egoiste!’ Kate, in the same clothes she was wearing in LA [Skank. – Steve], welcomes us to Simon’s ‘ginormous holiday home.’ The kids dive into Simon’s pool. The Addictive Ladies want to own somewhere like this. Now, a sentence from Simon, entirely out of context: ‘now they’re here, they can feel it and touch it.’ [How else did they expect to get a record deal? – Steve] The panel comes out. Sinitta’s wearing a gold bikini, a loose cardigan sort of thing, and a straw hat with a brim diameter of about three feet. She looks AWESOME. Before they sing, Simon has a little chat with each of the contestants. Massive Attack plays in the background. It will not be the last time. Fourth Ba5e, as they call themselves, or Fourth Bafivee as I see them, are told they’re too desperate. They say it’s because there’s so much at stake. Eskimo Blonde tell Simon they like a Challenge, because they like to prove themselves. Journey South are in a lot of debt from moving to London to try and make it as singers. (So that was their journey south? Oh god.) Addictive Ladies are told that ‘if it weren’t for your personalities’ they wouldn’t be there. Simon tells them that if they can’t handle the song he’s given them, they’re out. Simon tells The Brothers ‘you’re not a boyband, you’re talented singers’ and that that’s what he wants to hear.’ [Bollocks. They’re a fucking boyband. Never deny that you’re a boyband; look what happened to One True Voice. – Steve] He tells the Conway Sisters ‘if you screw up the lyrics again, I will not give you a second chance.’ He tells Fortune to look like they’re having fun. I have to say I like this move by Simon, letting them know exactly what he expects.
The Brothers sing ‘What becomes of the broken-hearted’. The guy they’ve got doing lead vocals is really not that good at all, but as a group they pull it off. Fortune sing ‘I don’t wanna talk about it’ and are very good. Fourth Bafivee sing ‘Your Song.’ They’re terrible. The lead vocalist is totally off. They’re not singing the actually melody. My notes say ‘what? that’s not the song.’ The backing guys just go ‘ooh I, ooh I, ooh I’. It’s really really terrible. They forgot the lyrics and admit that ‘we cracked’ and ‘we know in our heart of hearts that we’re going.’ The Conway Sisters sing Josh Groban’s ‘You Raise Me Up.’ They’re very loud and not awful. Simon just says ‘okay’, when they’re done, which is ominous. Eskimo Blonde sing ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ and I quite like it. They’ve arranged the vocals cleverly. One of the non-main ones says ‘I thought I was ridiculously bad.’ Journey South sing ‘Desperado’ and I seriously did not recognise the song until I heard the title word, so badly did they mangle the tune. It was ’orrible. Addictive Ladies sing ‘Wishing on a Star’, and I suddenly see what Simon means about them having to handle the song they’ve been given, because it’s a hard song to sing, and even harder to arrange for multiple voices. They don’t do too badly at all, although they’re still stronger individually than as an ensemble, but one says ‘we’re not through at all.’
Fortune want to prove they can do it, because they went out at this stage last year. In the same ‘ooh, who is it’ style, we see Simon saying there’s ‘nowhere to go’ over footage of Journey South, the Conway Sisters and Eskimo Blonde. Over Fortune and the Brothers we hear that they’re too perfect and that Simon wishes he’d met them three years ago, when they were young, naïve and pliable and he could mould them into exactly what he wanted. He only said some of that sentence. Over the Ladies and Fourth Bafivee, we hear that they’re got bravery and potential, but that it could be train wreck television.

Adverts. Dublin. Björk’s ‘Play Dead’, well, plays closely followed by the American Beauty Music. Kate’s in the same vest. SO DUMB. Dudes, we didn’t believe that Kate was going from group to group when it was bootcamp. No-one believes that these stints at the judge’s homes are concurrent and that Kate’s jetting around the world. Seriously. No-one. Louis has chosen the songs for the kids to sing. Trevor is wearing lots of sovereign rings. [He also looks like a gameshow host when he’s wearing a suit. – Steve] Shane says ‘all I want is just a better life.’ He sings ‘All I Need is the Air that I Breathe,’ and kind of forgets the words but says ‘I think I’ve done enough for myself’. James is proud of himself to get to the final 7 from 75,000. (Strictly speaking, the final 21, but I get his point, and admire it.) He sings some song that keeps going ‘goodbye’ but I don’t know what it is. He is really, REALLY nasal. He makes one of the girls cry. Steve, help me out with which one. [It was Faye. Also, I recognise the song, and it’s bugging me because I don’t know what it’s called or who sang it. But if I sang it down the phone to Magic FM I’m sure one of the DJs could tell us. – Steve] She says ‘I just really like him’ and not, as Scott thought, ‘I’m just really drunk.’ Alexandra says that ‘to know I’ve got the Lord behind me 100 percent feels good.’ She sings Randy Crawford’s ‘Almaz’ and warbles up and down on every single note, and I have to say I don’t like it. Almaz is a quiet, gentle little song, and she kind of hollers. It doesn’t really work. Chenai feels more ready for it than she did last year. She sings ‘I’m Still Waiting’ and it’s rather lovely – she resists the temptation to oversing. She stills thinks that she could have done better. For Philip, it hasn’t sunk in that he’s there. He sings a song I have never ever heard in my life that goes ‘Don’t Forget To Remember Me.’ He’s very loud, and is in tune. And is still fit. Nicholas is proud and excited and chuffed. Once he says the word chuffed, I love him a little bit, because to me you’re chuffed if you get an extra portion of fries in your KFC. It just seems a very understated word for such a big achievement. He sings ‘You Make Me Feel Brand New’ and starts off unbelievably good, but then goes falsetto and I really don’t like it. Go falsetto for the last word to show you can do it, certainly. But he does it for like five or six lines, and it doesn’t work. Trevor says that it’s all weird because ‘you go to work you stack shelves and you expect that’s how the rest of your life’s going to be.’ That would be sad enough coming from anyone, but it makes me want to cry that this 16-year-old isn’t saying ‘you go to college, do your homework, and you expect that’s how the rest of your life’s going to be.’ Go back to school, Trevor! He sings something about a moment that isn’t Martine McCutcheon’s ‘Perfect Moment’. Again I’m terrified by the enormous deep voice that comes out of this tiny ginger child. Trevor, somehow, think that he’s messed it up, despite the fact he was good.
In the mystery comments, someone’s not ‘wow’ but could be; someone’s a dark horse; the woman that didn’t cry says, ‘if we’re looking for someone who’s going to get votes, the public WILL vote for him.’ Mercenary bitch! Good for her. Louis says ‘I only want 1 girl through.’ Which would be fair enough if he thought that only one of them was good enough, but that’s clearly not where he’s going. He’s dividing the places on sex, not on merit, which is entirely ridiculous. [And enforcing ridiculous quotas like that is one reason why Louis won’t win this year either. Well, that and the fact that Simon’s production company makes the show. – Steve] We’re also told that they will all have a longer wait than they expected because Louis’s going to sleep on it. Well, tell them then! Don’t just be all, ‘oh god, they’re going to be wondering what’s going on.’

Oh my god. I’ve got another one of these things to do. Incidentally, I just checked the website for the spellings. I have been SO wrong. It’s Shayne, not Shane. It’s Richie, not Ritchie. 4Tune, not Fortune. It’s 4th Ba5e, not Fourth. And for some reason, it’s Addictiv Ladies. Please bear in mind that I got the spellings I used throughout this recap from checking the official website last week. Once again, the attention to detail and awesome production values of this show are revealed. [I officially retract my apology last week since we were spelling 4Tune right all along. – Steve]

These boots are made for bootin', part two

Transmission date: 1 October 2005

The second of two episodes, and if I'd known there would be double bills, I might not have started this website in the first place. The things I do for you people...

I’ve learnt a few things courtesy of the X Factor official website. 4Tune are actually called Fortune, and I’m surprised by this. Fourth Base are actually called 4th Ba5e, and I am not remotely surprised by this. And Janae is called Chenai, so I will be spelling that correctly from here onwards. I cannot, however, be fagged to back through all of the previous recaps and amend them. Plus that’d be meddling with history, and I really can’t be down with that.

Kate welcomes us back, and has thankfully changed out of the green camisole to let us know that this is a brand-new day. Unfortunately, the top she has changed into is similarly unflattering. She recaps what happened earlier tonight, but I've already done that and I ain't repeatin' myself, I say, I ain't repeatin' myself.

Just before we start, I have a brief stylistic point to make: I will only be providing links to help identify contestants if they were not mentioned in the earlier programme. If there is not a link and you don't know who I'm talking about, I'm afraid you'll just have to click the link above and look through that entry to find a link to that act's first appearance in there [And you should have been paying more attention. - Joel]. Sorry kids, but I'll be here all night otherwise.

The judges all have a new challenge for their contestants. Sharon gives her contestants a list of five songs, which they must choose one of to learn inside out. That sounds a lot like the challenge Louis used yesterday, Sharon. Get with the programme. Louis separates the 16-24s into three groups, each with a different song to learn overnight (so presumably this happened last night - the continuity fairy has deserted her post [She’s probably drunk - Joel] [Did she go out with the groups then? – Steve] and he tells them he wants "star quality" this time. Well, I'd like star quality continuity, but we can't have everything. Simon sends his groups out to get wankered at his expense. Hurrah! Also: that'll be good for their vocals! I sense a trick. The solo acts, meanwhile, are busy rehearsing. Chico is rehearsing 'Walk On By', and tells us he can make a song up on the spot. Remember that, kids. James, in a natty yellow string vest, can't describe how he would feel if he got through tomorrow. The groups are getting shitfaced. It's all very dull thus far, isn't it?

We're back in Louis's boot camp. Kate tells us that the contestants have only one shot at getting it right today. First up is Michelle - and since there have been three Michelles over the course of tonight, I will clarify that this is the 21-year-old Michelle who failed her initial audition last year, and looks like Kelly Clarkson. She sings 'I'll Be There', and rewrites the tune in the process. Evie says that Michelle has passion, and that "she took risks...they didn't always pay off, but she took risks because she knew she had to give it everything, and I like that." Nicholas (I think), sings 'The End of the Road', and is severely let down by the honky-tonk piano that's serving as his backing. Montage, montage, montage. Alexandra also sings 'The End of the Road', and knocks it out of the park. Daniel talks about his many rejections, and how he's born to stand out in a positive way. He sings 'Always On My Mind', and I really don't hear enough of it to comment on the quality. Trevor sings 'I'll Be There', and with his white t-shirt and gold chain, he kind of looks like he ought to be the good angel on Eminem's shoulder. James sings the same song, and I'm really not sure that singing a song by the Jacksons is the best course of action for him. Also, I can't shake this feeling that if he were to win this, we'd see James on clipshows in twenty years time, no taller than he is now, but paler and quite possibly coked off his tits. It worries me, that's all, in a too-much-too-young kind of way. He's so very young. [I know what you mean. He’s the same age as Trevor and Alexandra, but they don’t seem nearly as foetus-like. - Joel]

Chenai looks incredibly nervous. Her version of 'Always On My Mind' is impressive in that she makes it her own without utterly ruining it, although the last note is perhaps questionable. Faye thought it was excellent, Evie criticises Chenai for not communicating, "the same as yesterday".

Just like earlier, we're treated to a montage of what happens when the pressure gets to people. Basically, they fall apart and forget the words to old standards, which really ought to be impossible. Richard, you might remember, fell apart in his audition yesterday, something which Kate tells us has never happened in his seven years of performing on the Welsh club circuit. In an attempt to prevent a reprise, he's been up all night learning the song. It seems like a good idea, but I can't help thinking that a good night's sleep might have been more effective, because he looks rough and exhausted. He stumbles on the second line and asks to start again. Louis says that he's been given too many chances, so I assume the answer is no. Outside, he looks tearful and tells us how hard he's been trying, and it's kind of hard not to feel sorry for him, but I'm just about managing it.

The exhausted auditionees lie on the floor while Louis and the panel come to a decision. James, in a cute shot, listens to his iPod. They are called in one by one, and some people whom I don't recognise are told they have to leave. Richard, too, is sent home. Josh Groban's 'You Raise Me Up' plays, so it doesn't take a genius to work out that something life-changing is about to happen to Daniel. Louis tells him that Daniel is the one they've been talking about the most, but sadly it's not enough, for his dream ends here too. Louis tries to emote sympathy, but we are not fooled. Outside, Daniel looks devastated. Louis expresses worries about Trevor's body and James's voice, but they both make it to the final seven. In an almost callously abrupt meeting, Louis tells Michelle "You really should be proud of yourself; you've achieved so much. You're going home, I'm sorry." Ouch. Michelle, however, smiles and takes it on the chin. At least until she gets outside and can cry on Kate's shoulder. Nicholas makes the top seven, as does Alexandra. Shane (I think) also makes the final seven. [Shane makes me laugh because he looks all tough, then talks in a big gay gay gay voice. - Joel] Chenai, Louis says, has "probably had the longest journey of anybody here today". But she's in the final seven! By my reckoning, that makes six people, so one person got through whom we didn't see. Who could it be?

After the break, an extreme close-up of Kate in Simon's Kent countryside manor serves to highlight the alarming similarity between the chandelier and her earrings. Having had a night off down the boozer, they are given their task: they have one hour to learn a song. The impression we're given at this point, incidentally, is that it will be an unfamiliar song, so I thought perhaps they'd had a song written for them, or that Simon had picked something especially obscure. A montage of the final 14 rehearsing, all looking pressured but cheerful, which I find rather charming. Simon drives himself to work again. Fortune stop rehearsing after only half an hour. 4th Ba5e are having some last-minute tuning problems, and it is quite funny to watch them adding lots of unnecessary notes into the proceedings. Simon pulls up outside in his Rolls Royce with a blurred-out numberplate (I wonder if that's an optional extra?). A cutaway shows the Rolls Royce emblem sliding into the bonnet as he walks off, presumably as a theft-prevention measure, which makes me giggle. Simon greets the troops and tells them that they have to impress him. "No excuses today; you've got good songs."

The Conway Sisters are the first group in, and it's a bit of an unholy mess. I don't recognise the song, but I'm not sure if that's the song itself or their interpretation of it. [I knew it. I know I knew it. I’ve also forgotten it. - Joel]This, again, makes me think that the groups are being given deliberately obscure songs to see how well they can learn them in a short time. Simon is disappointed at their failure to live up to his expectations, but he blames the pressure and it sounds as though he still believes they have potential. Outside, the girls tell Kate that they think they're done for. Then, however, a duo (another I don't recognise) perform for Simon singing Mariah Carey's 'Hero', which really isn't that obscure. I'm fairly certain I could go into an audition and sing that song cold if it was thrown at me unexpectedly. Probably not well, mind, but I'd know the words and the tune. So at this point I begin to wonder exactly how much learning was involved in the one hour that all the groups had, and whether some had an advantage considering that they might well have already known the song they were given. Simon pronounces the duo "charming" after they leave, and it's true that one of them has a definite twinkle in his eyes.

Mario and Luigi return, promising a nerves-free performance, and they sing 'Every Breath You Take', which I'm sure everybody over the age of ten has a reasonably decent working knowledge of. Journey South are given 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For', which, you might remember, THEY ONLY FUCKING WELL SANG AT THEIR FIRST AUDITION. How is that "having to learn a song in one hour"? Shenanigans! I call shenanigans! Grrr. It's a terrible performance as well, all scrunched-up eyes and constipated faces which just scream "sub-par pub band" at you. They look like they should be singing this at the end of a football match or something. The bloke on Simon's panel (whose name I still do not know) thinks he caught "a moment of magic", but Simon thinks they've been in the clubs too long to become credible recording artists. With all due respect, I doubt credibility is going to trouble the winner of this show, whomever it happens to be. [But that’s not going to stop Journey South being as credible as their little hearts can take by singing U2 all the time! I mean, U2! They have guitars and everything. - Joel]

Addictive Ladies perform 'Never Ever', and again, I'd be very surprised if they didn't already know most, if not all, of the words to this. My suspicions are confirmed by the fact that they appear to have stolen the same dance routine that All Saints used for it. Their performance is messy, and far too fast. The judges, however, are all surprised that they liked the rendition in spite of all that was wrong with it. Eskimo Blonde tell us that they like being the underdogs because that gives them more to achieve in the long run. This way they get to take on board their criticisms and learn from them, and...am I hearing this correctly? It just seems odd behaviour from reality TV contestants. Well done to them. Their song? '...Baby One More Time', and I'm tired of pointing out just how well-known all of these songs are. Their performance is good, although Simon thinks it's a mess. He does like the girl in the middle, however.

Boyband showdown! Fortune point out that they've got a different sound from The Brothers and 4th Ba5e. 4th Ba5e say that people "don't wanna see pretty boys any more", which is something I'm sure they can use to their advantage, hideous ill-styled swamp creatures that they are. The Brothers see their biggest competition as...themselves. Fortune sing 'You Are Not Alone', and they have a similar problem to Conceited Michelle, in that singing makes them all look really unattractive. Also, I'm distracted by the fact that every day they have worn matching clothing, which makes me wonder if they all came away packed with suitcases full of different-yet-matching outfit combinations for each day, in which case they are officially gayer than Joel and I added together and multiplied by Elton John and David Furnish. [Without the unpleasant sexual connotations of that sentence, Steve - Joel] The Brothers go in next, and sing 'Every Breath You Take', and Holly points out that two of them have always got their arms around each other, which is yet more HoYay! to add to this evening's tally. 4th Ba5e get their words all wrong, and one of them asks if they can start again. Simon tells them they won't be able to do this on live TV. Outside, they are convinced it's game over, and one of them points out that it's unlikely Simon will put three boybands through.

Montage of potential popstars on death row (not literally). More fake-out and trickery to entice us to second-guess who will make the final seven. A fake-looking sun sets. The twinkly duo from earlier return, and Simon is all smiles. "You're good singers. I think the girls would love you, and I have made a decision, guys. You haven't made the final seven." WOW. That is harsh. Quite unnecessarily so, I thought. Journey South, however, do make the final seven. Mario and Luigi do not. Simon tells Addictive Ladies he needs to be certain they will cope in a live environment. He obviously is, because they go through. So do Eskimo Blonde, and I am surprised at how glad I am to hear this. Simon tells the Conway Sisters that they fell apart. Marie says apologetically "we just didn't have enough time to rehearse", and Simon firmly tells her that they had as much time as everyone else. Except that isn't strictly true, because they went first, so what was to stop the others practising in the waiting room while the Conway Sisters were auditioning? Anyway, it's a moot point because they make the final seven. So do Fortune. And The Brothers. And, surprisingly, so do 4th Ba5e, and their shock is palpable.

At Sharon's boot camp, Sharon gives all of her hopefuls the opportunity for three minutes one-to-one time with her so that they can get to know each other a little better. How very Tyra Banks of her. Andy is up first. Entering Sharon's "boudoir", Andy comments "bin men don't get this every day". Heh. Sharon advises him not to hold back. Brenda comes in clutching a fan. A montage, and what is the song playing over the top? 'My Sharona'. Hee! Very good, music editors. Gold star. Fucking Chico brings flowers. Sharon: "Oh, Chico, you are such a tart!" WORD. And I don't mean that as nicely as Sharon did. He's wearing a fucking beret, for crying out loud. Haifa is hungry for this, and ready. Brenda promises to bring it. Sharon warns her not to blow it; Brenda promises to blow Sharon's hair off. Brenda to win!

Brenda is the first one up, and we get a quick glimpse of her first audition while she pronounces the experience "mad". She sings 'Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me', from a book of Exceedingly Apt Song Choices. Sharon applauds gaily at the end. Outside, Brenda prays "please, let that be enough". Another guy whose name I don't know sings the same song as Brenda. I want to like this guy, but he looks too much like Peter Brame for my liking. [Oh, him! With the big poached egg eyes. - Joel] Sally, the Lisa Stansfield lookalike, sings 'Walk On By' and it is horrible. She mangles the words thus: "If you see me walking down the street, and I start to cry, deep down in feet". Hee! Interestingly, there follows a montage of people singing 'Walk On By', including Andy, and they seem to be singing it in a variety of different keys, even though the keyboard accompaniment remains the same.

Now, remember how Chico said he could make up a song on the spur of the moment? Here it is: "You know I'm a superstar / And I'll travel so far / I've done all that I can do / You've got to put me through / Sharon, don't let me slip by, baby / Ohhh / [Spoken] Now put me through." So shameless. HATE. Sharon cackles. "Not one word!" she says, referring to the fact that Chico was meant to be singing 'Walk On By', as we saw earlier. As one judge concludes: "he can't dance. He can't sing. He can't even remember." Heh.

Haifa's up next, and she tells the camera what she just told Sharon. They play more Josh (sic) Stone as she talks, and GIVE IT A FUCKING REST ALREADY. She's meant to be singing 'I Only Want To Be With You', but manages to fluff almost every single line, then she dries completely. Sharon is "on the fence" about this, and I have to say, to wreck your performance that much and still leave the judges "on the fence" about whether you should go home is one hell of an achievement in my book. Another freaking montage of nerves. Michelle doesn't cover her fluff well (heh); "just a glamour model trying to sing" says the snide judge to Sharon's right. [I think she did better than the other people who forgot the words – at least she carried on and made a go of it. – Joel] The judge with the multicoloured beard points out, as I said earlier, that these are well-known songs, and should as such be almost impossible to forget the words to. Maria goes in last, and has the added pressure of her wedding tomorrow. She sings 'I'm Gonna Make You Love Me', and is less breathy this time around. Katy points out here that the big difference between Maria and Brenda and everyone else is that Maria and Brenda have energy and look like they're having fun, whereas everyone else almost looks a bit embarrassed. [It was at this point that I realised that Maria is jaw-droppingly beautiful and remember that in the split second we saw of her audition I assumed she was about 20, when she is in fact 30. She’s stunning. - Joel]

Final waiting room. Final set of judges' comments. Hurry up! Enough of the filler! Bloated, this show is. Michelle feels like she's messed it up, and that she's "always been so unlucky". Oh yeah, having long blonde hair and massive breasts is so unfortunate. No one will look at you! Michelle goes in to see Sharon, all tearful. Sharon sends Michelle home. We started tonight with three Michelles; and then there were none. Kate asks Michelle what she'll do next, Michelle hasn't a clue. [I’m actually glad about this. I was directed to something of Michelle’s on the internet, and let’s just say she’s done a lot more than page three modelling. And if she’d got to, say, the final 6, this would eventually have come out and the press would have absolutely destroyed this poor woman’s life. At least she gets to go home dignity intact this way. - Joel] Andy goes through. A girl with a northern accent whom I don't remember from the preliminaries is given "one more chance" despite getting her song wrong earlier. Through tears of joy, she says that she "can't get to get some tissue and a brew." Heh. Tony, Aaron and Sally all get sent home. The monkey-faced Peter Brame lookalike from earlier is called Richie, and makes the top seven. He genuinely can't believe it, and it's quite sweet. Maria impressed Sharon, and makes the top seven. Chico walks in, and Sharon asks him what he did. "Chico, I'm really really sorry," Sharon says. "I understand," says Chico, clearly expecting the same thing that we all are. "I know I am going to end up kicking myself but I am going to put you through to my top seven," says Sharon. I'm sorry: THE HELL? I mean, I know this competition is a big joke, but don't ask me to suspend my disbelief that much. Holy hell. Brenda is next, and if she doesn't go through after all that I will hunt Sharon down. Fortunately, Brenda is in the top seven and screams with bug-eyed joy. Haifa let herself down, according to Sharon. She promised herself she'd be strong, but then breaks down when Sharon won't tell her. Haifa is in the top seven. Again, we only saw six. Who are we not being told about? [I cannot express my loathing for Sharon at this point. Haifa, who messed up the words? Northern Girl and Richie, who messed up the words AND the notes? CHICO?! What is WRONG with this woman? - Joel]

Coming up next week: another double bill (you'll find out how it feels, Joel). The contestants go to the judges' "homes". Louis takes the 16-24s to Dublin. Simon takes the groups to Spain. Sharon takes the over-25s to her home in Beverley Hills. No disrespect to Dublin, but one lot got a raw deal, didn't they? There will be one final challenge. One final decision. Chico will sing ankle-deep in water into what I can only hope is a live microphone. Mmm...toasty! The final four will be revealed. Tension!