Shoe 'nuff

Auditions - Week 5, Part 1: 17th September 2011

Welcome back to another double-bill weekend of The X Factor. I think we probably all have to accept that this is the beginning of the end, and soon it will spread out across the entire week, forever. With the news that Fox in the US is considering launching an all-Simpsons channel, I don't think it's outside the realms of possibility that one day we will have a whole channel that runs nothing but The X Factor and its various spinoffs. If that ever happens, expect to find my corpse on the kitchen floor, next to a note saying "I just couldn't face it, sorry." [Isn't Sky one the all Simpsons channel already? - Helen]

ANYway, let's get on with things while that is still (hopefully) only a remote possibility. The "next generation of judges" (and Louis) have scoured Britain in the hope of finding a global superstar (you know, like Joe McElderry or Leon Jackson), and have repeatedly been wowed by average pub singers. The flashbacks remind us that the judges were occasionally aware that some people were genuinely shit and didn't put them through, although frankly it's a bit of a lottery which contestants will fall into which category on any given day. I think you just have to turn up and hope the judges were smoking something that made them mellow on the day of your audition.

THIS WEEKEND: it's the last of the auditions, thank God. The judges will apparently be fighting amongst themselves, and facing some more genuinely terrible auditions as well as some people who might be half-decent. It's TIME to FACE the ENDLESS COVERS OF ADELE SONGS!

Post-titles, we open with lovely shots of lush green countryside as Derwood informs us that, for the first time in the audition run, we're in Wales. Cardiff, to be specific. Various hopefuls state their case for hoping to be the first Welsh winner of the show. On the bright side, we are not "treated" to any shots of them all washing their faces before heading out to audition and telling us that this is their year, although I cannot guarantee we won't be facing similar bollocks in the dreaded Make-Up Room later. The judges arrive at the venue and are greeted by a male voice choir (Gary informs us that they're Only Men Aloud, so I'll take his word for it), who sing Destiny's Child's 'Survivor' for Kelly's benefit. They'd have got more points from me if they'd sung the Freemasons remix of 'Work', quite frankly. Louis gets an original composition about how much they love him; Gary gets 'Rule The World' (what, no 'The Flood'?) and Tulisa gets 'Number One', noting that they must've worked very hard on this because they're "clearly not NDubz fans". Don't judge a book by its cover (version), Tulisa - this lot look like they enjoy nothing better than throwing some shapes to 'Playing With Fire' at the local discotheque.

The judges greet each other, and it feels appropriate at this point to note that Tulisa has apparently come straight from auditioning for the title role in the long-awaited Xena: Warrior Princess movie. Kelly reluctantly approaches a member of the catering crew to ask about the "Welsh rabbit", apparently in disbelief that there is no meat in it. Ah, culture-clash hilarity. You can't beat it.

Our first contestant of the day is a lady in a purple dress that her tatas seem ready to escape from at any second, never more so than when she runs out onto the stage. She has a bit of a thing for Gary and declares him "drop-dead gorgeous". She is Natasha Paton Ali (mum, 23) from Swansea, who explains that she has prepared for today by having singing lessons to stop her from singing through her nose. Already this puts her ahead of about 25% of people who make the live finals in any given year, assuming she's telling the truth. Gary asks who watches her when she rehearses, and she answers a different question by saying that she rehearses in her bedroom or her living room, so that she has space to do her "sexy dancing" (read: squatting and showing us all her hoo-hoo). Gary warns her that she's a little bit higher than them (in OH SO MANY WAYS) and when she does moves like that, he stops focusing on her voice. "You're 'avin' it!" Natasha growls in response. I don't think you're giving him much of a choice, love.

She's singing 'Every Time We Touch' by Cascada. The backing track begins, and she's amazing. No, of course not: she's absolutely dreadful, as we all knew she would be. She's singing off-key, so high that Cardiff Council is considering recording this and playing it in the city centre to discourage gangs of youths from loitering, and of course, she's shaking those knockers. Then she has a wardrobe malfunction, causing Kelly to make frantic "COVER YOUR SHAME!" gestures from behind the desk. Incidentally, there is a guy sat behind Gary in the audience who is LOVING THIS, and constantly straining for a better view. When the end arrives, far too late for most of us, Gary scolds her that it's "a hot day as it is". That kind of shit will only encourage her, Gary; I strongly recommend that you stop. He tells her that what worries him is that she looked at him throughout the song. Kelly says that "you gave us all quite the show today - there was a lot happening on stage, babe, that we couldn't really pay attention to the vocals so much". I dunno, Louis probably managed it. Tulisa doesn't understand why no one has told Natasha how bad she sounds, and thinks that it's unfair that they've allowed her to embarrass herself. Natasha, proving that you must first be capable of shame to feel embarrassment, says that she is entertainment, and that's what this show is all about. Louis tells her she doesn't have a voice, and "I'm not saying 'no', I'm saying 'never'." It's a no from everyone else, with Austerity Barlow advising her to check the refund policy next time she takes singing lessons. [Ah, didn't take long for GrumpyGutsBarlow to raise his funsponge head - Helen]

Kelly announces that she is "scared", which is the cue for another montage of hopeless, tedious people who basically aspire to little more in life than appearing for five seconds in a montage of hopeless, tedious people on this show. Now that they've got their wish, I hope they will try to make better use of the precious time that they have left. Dafydd Morgan (unemployed, 41) convulses to 'Bat Out Of Hell' to the point where everyone watching considers calling NHS Direct for advice, and is stopped by Louis who asks if he might indulge them by singing at some point. He agrees, and then everyone wishes he hadn't bothered. Tulisa expresses genuine concern for his wellbeing (I can only chalk this up to her being a newbie; I can't see her humanitarian concerns surviving prolonged exposure to working on this show) and Dafydd gets a definite no. A mad woman arrives wrapped in a Welsh flag and scares the living shit out of Kelly: she is Ceri Hoey (mobile hairdresser, 42) who screeches her way through 'Wuthering Heights' in such a manner that I wonder if she has a howler monkey secreted in her larynx. Gary declares her voice to be not human, and it is a no for Ceri. Kelly considers calling her agent and checking the small print on her contract to see if it's too late to go on Strictly Come Dancing instead.

Backstage, Kelly and Tulisa wonder what the fuck is wrong with Welsh people, which is surely the cue for someone to arrive and Turn It All Around? That person is John Adams (maths teacher, 23), who looks more like Hollywood's version of what a maths teacher looks like than any normal person's interpretation of what a maths teacher looks like. Remember when Tina Fey was a maths teacher in Mean Girls? Yeah, like that, except younger, male and with a dazzling grin and a Bieber haircut. He's basically Wales' answer to Ezra Fitz from Pretty Little Liars. I resolve to remain immune to his dubious charms, however, since my feelings about teachers on this show are well-documented after the likes of Bellowing Beverley and Man-Loving Daneeeeeeeeel decided that Z-list celebrity and doing PAs in suburban nightclubs is a more fulfilling vocation than providing children with an education.

Anyway, Mr Fitz tells us that he's only been teaching for a year, so it's a relatively new world for him, and "obviously if I done well in The X Factor, I'd love to follow the dream of becoming a singer". At least now we know why he didn't become an English teacher. He adds that being in this competition means a lot to him, and he wants strangers to know his music and sing his songs. He heads onto the stage and is declared "quite handsome" by Tulisa. He will be singing 'Cannonball' by Damien Rice. As has become the standard this year, it sounds like a straightforward cover of the original, inflections and all, but everyone's lapping it up. I'm more focused on the fact that he appears to have no neck worth mentioning. By far the highlight of the entire performance is the cut to backstage, where Derwood is MOUTHING THE LYRICS AND PULLING SINCERE EMOTIONAL FACES. [Gimmie some stones. I'll teach them all to fly - Helen] Oh Derwood, you utter gonk. I bet he spends the whole of his Radio 2 show doing that. Maybe all that hair is weighing him done. Tulisa thinks he has a beautiful tone, and that he connected with the song emotionally. Louis wasn't expecting him to have such an "unusual" voice (for "unusual", read "indie and whiny", and I don't know about Louis, but that's exactly what I expected) and thinks he could make great records. Borelow says that it's one of his favourite songs of all time, and he hates people singing his favourite songs, at which point his transformation into Simon Cowell is officially complete. Stick a toilet brush on his head, and we are officially DONE. Luckily for Mr Fitz, he nailed that vocal, so Borelow has forgiven him. Kelly wants to hear a whole album of his voice. Gary expects to find a whole new world of women taking a sudden interest in maths, because (a) I'm sure firing quadratic equations at him is totally the way to get him into bed, and (b) women wouldn't be interested in maths in any other circumstances, apart from using it to work out if they can afford any more shoes. FUCK OFF BORELOW. They take it to a vote, and it's a unanimous yes. Mr Fitz runs off excitedly to break the good news to Aria. [Now, if he actually changes his name to Mr Fitz and Miss Fitz come back and they get spliced at bootcamp, THEN I will be interested - Rad]

Adverts. It's about fucking time that sodding Bird Eye polar bear opened his fridge and was freaked out to find a polar bear in there staring back at him.

When we return, Derwood tells us that one category in particular "has extra incentive to succeed". The groups? Nah, it's the over-25s, who are all worrying if They Have Left It Too Late. One of them is Randy Roxx (musician, 45) - Borelow thinks he has a good rock voice, but wonders if he's missed his chance, having apparently missed the memo about why this category exists in the first place. Lina Roma (mum, 43) drones her way through 'Hallelujah' and begs for "one chance to prove it", unaware that that's exactly what she's just had. Finally, the point of this montage arrives: Michelle Barrett (mum, 31), who is being portrayed by Sharon Small in tonight's performance. She says that singing is in her blood, but having four kids meant she had to delay her dream, and now she feels the time is right to pursue it. She doesn't think she'll get this opportunity ever again. You know, except for the auditions next year. And the year after that. And the year after that. And the...well, you get the idea. She arrives on stage, and tells Gary about how her children are her biggest accomplishment. Gary asks why she hasn't made it before, and she admits that she hasn't tried hard enough up to now because she was too busy with competitive child-rearing. She's singing 'All The Man I Need' by Whitney Houston. She's...all right, I guess? It's one of those "can hold a tune but is otherwise unremarkable and in no way the global star they claim to be looking for" performances that means the judges are going to feast upon it like manna from heaven regardless. She's really flat in the chorus, too. [She picked a song that was way too big for her. I mean, she was fine, but she wasn't any more than that, and a more subtle song wouldn't have shown her weaknesses so clearly - Rad]

Tulisa tells Michelle that she reminds her of her mum, whom she has made a BBC3 documentary about, and Tulisa cries. Michelle does "awww" faces from the stage. Tulisa sobs "just like you, she had a beautiful voice, and she didn't do anything with it", although I think it's safe to say that Tulisa's mum's reason for not pursuing a singing career was probably a bit different from Michelle's, and then Michelle starts crying, and Leona Lewis warbles on the soundtrack, and GOOD GRIEF, JUST GET ON WITH IT. Kelly loved Michelle's voice. Louis says it wasn't 100% perfect, but it was good enough for him. Gary can't believe she hid that voice away while having "four lovely children" *gag* and it's four yeses for Michelle. Michelle runs backstage, and Tulisa explains her relationship with her mum to the other judges, possibly promising to hand them all a DVD each to take home at the end of the day.

Adverts. Shouldn't it be 30 Minutes or Fewer?

When we return, Derwood informs us that "the girls are out in force". I bet you can't guess which song's on the soundtrack. Here's a hint: the band's name rhymes with "Booger Snabes". Next to audition are band 2 Shoes, alias Charlie (23) and Lucy (21). Both of them are wearing so much make-up that they can barely keep their eyes open. I could offer you a witty description, but frankly nothing that I could come up with would even come close to Helen's absolutely perfect description of them on Twitter last night as "Stacey Duomon". [It only got retweeted twice! What's wrong with Twitter? - Helen] They hug Derwood, and explain the genesis of their name: apparently it comes from a saying of theirs that "every party needs two shoes". No, I don't understand it either. Maybe you had to be there? There being Essex, naturally. They call each other "Shoe", and at this point I feel like my persistence in sticking with the show throughout all these cod-indie-wannabe auditions is finally being rewarded, because if these two can sing, they are clearly going to be my favourites. Frankly, even if they can't, they're still in with a really good shot. Derwood asks them if the tan is at all natural, and Lucy admits that they had something of a malfunction, offering up her left hand as evidence. It is a tone that can best be described as "mahogany". They want to be the first group to win. I want them to be the first group to win too.

They troop onto the stage. A Matt Cardle lookalike in the audience puts his head in his hands, clearly hoping to be the new That Bitch Who Rolled Her Eyes At Susan Boyle. Louis asks what they'd do with the money if they won: Charley says that Lucy wants a micro-pig (points to Tulisa here for being the only person on the panel who knows what one of those is). They sing 'All My Life' by K-C & Jojo, and actually aren't that bad. The vocals are a little shaky, but they harmonise well together and with a bit of practice and training, they could have potential. They really come into their own on the chorus, and the crowd goes wild. Tulisa tells them she's pleasantly surprised. Gary tells them that he was expecting the worst, but he loves their harmonies and that they were well-rehearsed, and thinks it was a great audition. Kelly also loves the harmonies, but thought it was "a bit karaoke". Louis loves their personality and their chemistry, and things they bring new energy to the show. It's a yes from Gary, a yes from Tulisa, a no from Kelly, and a yes from Louis. They're through, and are officially this year's Bitch Factor Approved Contestants. I'm making that decision unilaterally. [I'm fine with this. There's no-one else worth caring about, is there? - Rad]

This leads to a montage of girls who ostensibly done good: Melanie McCabe (student, 17) does an awful version of 'Only Girl In The World' that is inexplicably enjoyed by the judges. Sarah Watson (student, 17) yelps her way through Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' and is equally awful, and equally adored. THIS FUCKING SHOW. They cut from note to note of several apparently successful auditions, and it really is becoming impossible on this show to tell where the wheat ends and the chaff begins. Sophie Habibis (barmaid, 19) sings 'I Got Trouble' by Seahaguilera (TM my boyfriend) and is all right-ish, and gets through. Everyone decides that the girls are the strongest category, and the judges argue over who gets them. Such fun.

After more commercials, we jump straight back into the action. Meg Rose Jones (student, 16) sings 'Sunny Afternoon' and is loved by Gary, but Louis thinks she's not ready for the competition. Fight! Fight! Fight! Tulisa thinks she needs confidence. It's a no from Louis, a yes from Tulisa. We don't ever find out what Kelly voted, but I guess she voted no, since otherwise we'd have seen Meg getting through? Maybe we might see her in the background at boot camp and find out one way or the other. Anyway, Meg's fate is left in the balance as we continue with girl group Indigo Rose, who perform a heavily-choreographed rendition of 'Show Me Love' by Robyn S, and Gary doesn't think they look or sound like a band, while Tulisa really likes them. Kelly thinks their energy is only all right, and gets all Kitty Farmer about it, arguing that you can't put someone through if you doubt their unyielding commitment to Sparkle Motion. Tulisa argues that it's about liking it and believing that other people will like it. Kelly is unimpressed, and says that an act has to be 100% perfect to get through. She would have a stronger case if she hadn't voted for the likes of Arsetat in episode one. They take it to the vote, and again the ultimate result is unconfirmed, but was probably a no overall. Perrie Edwards (student, 17) tackles 'You Oughta Know' - Kelly loves it, but Louis thinks it's "safe" and Tulisa can see his point. Kelly tells Perrie that she blew the roof off and that she doesn't know what Louis and Tulisa are hearing. Louis spits that Kelly is being "difficult" today; "how dare she!" YAY, MANUFACTURED DRAMA!

Derwood voiceover: "With the judges not playing happy families, the next auditionee is more desperate than most to unite them." Yes, because the next auditionee would've known all about this shit. He's auditioned before, and his name is John Wilding (student, 18). He got to Dannii's house in Australia last year, but didn't make it through. I remember literally nothing about him [He was one of the two or three we never, ever saw, and then they got two seconds of screen time at judges' houses. Oh, the suspense this show creates about its chosen ones - Rad]. He's wearing a bowler hat at a jaunty angle, so frankly I do not wish to remember anything about him. John says that he's spent the year working on his voice, and with the new judging panel this year, he's hoping for a fresh start. As always, it's down to Louis to do the unconvincing "you auditioned last year! I totally remember that happening!" bit, and John explains that he's been studying where he went wrong last year. He's singing 'Love You I Do' by Jennifer Hudson. He's got a pretty good voice, but I can't take him seriously when he's dressed like Agyness fucking Deyn. Also, I fear his particular brand of oversinging everything is going to grow tiresome very quickly. [I swear he didn't do "fashion" last year and looked vaguely normal. So I blame this fucking show for making him think he needed a cunty hat to get any further - Rad]

Nonetheless, he gets a standing ovation from the judges, and Tulisa says that she loves people like him who get knocked back, use the experience to better themselves, and come back. She'll be regretting saying that at next year's auditions when Michael Lewis comes back for a third go. Louis loved that audition, and that John is a fighter. "Nobody can sing Jennifer Hudson," he declares. I think Jennifer Hudson might have something to say about that. Kelly says that he has a beautiful voice and belongs on the stage. Gary thought it was a sensational audition, and is very grateful that John came back. No surprises here: it's yeses all round. Backstage, his entourage scream that he got a STANDING OVATION FROM THE JUDGES OH MY GOD!

Tomorrow night: singing, growling, fighting back. Ruth will be here to guide you through it. I hope she's got plenty to drink. [Having read the tweets about it, I am terrified - Rad]

Sung in the style of...

Week 4, part 2: Broadcast September 11 2011

Hello! And welcome to the second part of this weekend’s X Factor marathon! Yes, we had two parts this weekend which did nothing other than mess up everyone’s body clock and make us all think that we didn’t have to go to work tomorrow. But we did. The X Factor LIES.

Instead of a recap of yesterday, because finally they really believe that we aren’t that stupid, we have a recap of the entire series so far. We see Brian Cox in his blonde wig, the man with all the tattoos on his arse [MY EYES - Steve], the one that thinks he’s Michael Jackson, someone feeling up Gary, Someone’s abs, Kelly jumping on Louis and Samantha and Lascel from last night. You really didn’t think we were going to get away without a recap of yesterday, did you? For shame. Wait! There’s more. We see NotAdele and a few other randoms that really didn’t stick in my mind apart from the one with Bieber hair that was called Luke Lucas... His sob story being that his parents clearly want him to be in the Adult Film industry. Cheering Nan again! More mad people! Chrissie! [Chrissie? I've forgotten half these people already - Rad] [Seriously. I'm dreading recapping the boot camp episodes. - Steve]

We are treated to what we are about to see and some of last night. Because we clearly are idiots. Tulisa thinks something is Amazing, Louis thinks a star is born and Gary thinks something is incredible. Kelly obviously isn’t ready for the jelly of tonight because she doesn’t like something. Quickly, the coming up section turns into a sneaky recap of last night. *shakes fist*.

Punctuated with FACING. THE. MUSIC we have Kelly telling someone they’re not ready and Gary telling someone they’ll NEVER GO TO BOOTCAMP. Oh they’ll go Gary, maybe not by legitimate means, but they’ll be there. In the bushes. Watching. You. We see who we’re going to see tonight. This looks good, on the surface anyway, but I know that we’ve just seen everyone we’ll be seeing.

Anyway, nearly a whole two minutes in we get started. Dermot tells us that the judges have travelled the length and breadth of the country. This means Manchester, Glasgow, Birmingham and London, which isn’t really all of Britain, is it? I’m sure Lands End, John O’Groats and oh, I don’t know... maybe WALES and NORTHERN IRELAND might have a thing or two to say about that? Anyway. Allegedly we are looking for a new singing sensation and tonight’s programme will take us back to Liverpool.

Dermot tells us a new day is dawning and we are helped out by an image of the sun rising. We see several auditionees getting into their cars and leaving their houses, including one interesting looking lady with pink hair. Someone blonde buys a train ticket and then we see a train. This is very boring. Is this the day their lives are going to change? Ponders Dermot. Pink hair returns with her posse, who are all in pink wigs. She’s wanted to audition, like, forever and now she’s old enough she has to x2 get through. Good luck, pink hair lady! Someone with bad teeth doesn’t want a 9-5 job in an office because all he’s interested in is music and another pretty young girl tells us that she can’t think of not being a singer, so it has to happen. Can someone say something original please? Just say you want to be on telly, I’d respect you for it.

The judges arrive in their cars. Gary touches some hands and reiterates that the North West is best for talent. Louis next, claiming that all he needs are 2 or 3 great people. And some filler. Kelly signs some autographs and we’re told that Tulisa is on her way. Louis takes this opportunity to tell us that its Tulisa’s birthday and she’s WELL OLD at 23. They have a surprise for her and she’s no idea what it is. That’s kind of how a surprise works, Louis. We see the gift. It’s gigantic. Tulisa arrives and the crowd sing her Happy Birthday because they’ve been told to whilst she does a really bad impression of a Scouser. Gary, Louis and Kelly gossip about her gift. Louis says she may want one in every town. I wonder what it is? Gary thinks that this may be a dangerous. Louis thinks it may turn her into a Diva, because she’s learning how to be one from Kelly.” “And me!” pipes in Gary. Kelly and Louis look suitably incredulous. “Mainly Kelly though” says Louis. And the nation.

Tulisa says she wants to find the winner in Liverpool on her birthday. Good luck with that! She comes in and asks what her present is. She looks nervous because she thinks something is going to jump out at her. She’s clearly been watching too much Shooting Stars. She gets herself in a state about opening it because inside is A MAN. Yes. A MAN, in his pants, who will do her bidding for her all day. Sexist much? He tells her he’s hers for the day. Kelly encourages her to touch him, grabbing her hand and making her poke his abs. She looks uncomfortable. “I got a man for my birthday” She says, seemingly in disbelief. “A BUTLER” adds Gary quickly. Gary Barlow don’t like no funny business. [God forbid anything remotely entertaining happen on Borelow's watch. - Steve]

With the japes over with, we are seemingly down to business. Tulisa’s man slave shows her to her seat. We have a montage from the makeup room, which is by far my favourite new addition apart from the fact the montage is over Swagger Jagger. There’s so much hairspray going round that there must be an X shaped hole in the ozone layer. It’s for a reason though, because we have a hairdresser auditioning. I see what they did there. Yes, he’s Marcus Collins and he’s just added far too much hairspray to his tiny little hair. He’s 23 and he’s from Liverpool. He sings at work all the time and his clients call him the singing hairdresser. I bet that never gets old for his colleagues, eh? He says in his job image is everything and his hair has been every colour you could think of. Blue, green, blonde and, er, Beige. We see a montage of his Facebook profile shots to demonstrate this. He’s going natural for the X Factor though, and this mean she’s on to a winner because having your natural hair colour apparently means that you are prepared. He wants to be a worldwide star and people to enjoy his music. He can’t wait to get on stage and happily bounds on there.

Tulisa plainly likes what she sees as he milks the crowd for all they’re worth. He wishes Tulisa a happy birthday and tells the judges he’s brought along his family, friends and some of his clients. Tulisa asks him why she’s here. I’m proud of him for resisting the WELL DUH response. He says he wants to be a well known performer and he’s loving being on stage. He wants a better life for himself and HIS MUM. Cut to mum backstage looking proud. Marcus insists that this isn’t a sob story. Well, if it is Marcus, it’s not a good one. He wants to be able to walk into Marks and Spencer’s. Bless. [What, to buy a sandwich? Or just because it's a quick walk through to get to the precinct like the one in Grimsby? - Rad]

He sings Signed, Sealed, Delivered in the style of Stevie Wonder, which I’m sure isn’t the point. Where’s Simon? He wouldn’t stand for this shit. He’d have one Wookie paw up already and he’d already be on something more modern. The judges lap it up though, as do the crowd. Tulisa says she didn’t feel like she was at an audition and it was an amazing way to start the day. Louis thinks he’s soulful and can sing so he loved it. His facial expressions are amazing. Gary thinks it’s wonderful to hear someone that sings in the pocket of a song. I’m not lying, that’s what he said. Apparently this means he wasn’t just on the beat and found his own groove. Gary enjoyed it and congratulates him. Kelly tells him he ain’t just going to Markies, oh no, he’s off to Harrods. He’s got it all. They try to inject some tension into the voting, but there’s no need. There’s a yes, a HEAUL YES, a YEEEES and a massive yes. *sigh* They continue the love in after he’s gone back to his friends. He tells Dermot that it was one of the best experiences of his life. At this point, Tulisa’s manslave returns and she asks him for a Red Bull because she’s all class.

Next up we have a timid looking blonde lady. Everything about her screams meek, bless her. She’s called Emma White, she’s 19 and a pub singer and this is exactly what she sounds like as she launches into “Ain’t No Other Man” in the style of Christina Aguilera. Kelly looks surprised. Tulisa grins. The crowd love it. Tulisa thinks she’s a little popstar and she gets a yes. Kelly thinks she’s an amazing talent as Tulisa’s servant arrives with her drink. She wants an hour alone with him. Don’t think Fazer would like that, but hey.

Next up, a montage of yeses, which includes blonde train girl and pink hair girl. They were bigged up so much and we don’t even get to hear them sing? Bad show, X Factor. But wait, it all becomes clear. We are making way for another pretty boy, and pretty he is. He’s wearing a twat hat ((c) Rad) and his name is James Michael and he’s 20 and unemployed. He is also orange, so Tulisa asks him if he’s been on holiday. He replies he’s been in the garden. Nicely done, James Michael. He launches into a squeaky version of YET ANOTHER Adele song. He’s not as good as he thinks he is. Kelly makes the eyes that indicate she’s FEELING STUFF. Gary smiles and nods. Gary thinks he’s amazing and he’s a recording artist waiting to be recorded. Tulisa thought it wicked and he gets yeses. [I hated every single thing about this one. Mainly because of the hat - Rad]

Cut to Tulisa getting massaged by her butler and Kelly talking about the level of talent in Liverpool remand remarks that it’s hard to say no because if it isn’t good, it’s great. Tulisa is enjoying her massage. Kelly says he’s good with his hand and gives an eyebrow. Tulisa says he’s touching all her tension points. Fazer! You watching this? Kelly says that the slave is just a beautiful man rubbing her chest. Whoops! She means back! LOL.

ADVERTISING BREAK.

We return to Dermot dressed like an Action Man in Olly Murs-tight cords and a polo neck. He tells us that we are in Birmingham. We see an overconfident man with the top button of his tartan shirt done up telling us that he wants to become the new face around town and have everyone know who he is before doing some atrocious breakdancing, and a girl in what looks like a balaclava telling us she wants to be the next Jesse J. Aim high why don’t you, princess. Someone else wants to be Birmingham’s first international superstar. I thought that was Noddy Holder, no? [At the very least, it should be Cat Deeley. - Steve] Dermot tells us that it takes hard work and preparation to become a popstar over a montage of people warming up.

We see Graham Bennet sign in. He’s 52, from Eastbourne and unemployed. Graham shows us his guns. They are impressive. Dermot tells us he’s been preparing hard for his slot. Graham looks a bit like he’s a character played by Paul Whitehouse in an insurance advert. Graham has been working on the gun show because he’s noticed people in the pop industry go to the gym. Graham goes four days a week to maintain muscle mass and make everyday tasks easier. He wants to be a pop star because you get fans, travel and above average wages. He introduces himself to Dermot and tells Dermot he probably hasn’t heard of him. Who knew?! Graham tells us that another good thing about being a popstar is having female fans. He likes this, because he’s had experience of being surrounded by adoring females at karaoke nights. Dermot does his best not to laugh. Graham is confident that he will get a good looking girlfriend if he makes it as a popstar. To prove this point, he takes off his top and a nation vomits. He would like Sandra Bullock, Kim Basinger or any of the Girls Aloud ladies. What a shame Cheryl missed her chance. He wouldn’t mind a go at Kelly Rowland though.

He arrives on stage and tells Louis that his karaoke career has given him the taste of being a popstar. He’s going to sing She Bangs. Oh dear lord. He doesn’t know the words and it’s more than a bit Club Singer. He then gets on his knees and Louis can’t hold in his laughter. Gary wants the music stopped but has to work a bit harder than Simon to attract the attention of the hand slidey guy. He gets there in the end though, and Louis asks Graham what kind of girls he attracts. Graham says that that wasn’t his normal song and “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy usually gets a much better reaction. Please don’t ask him to sing it Louis...Please....Oh. You did. Gary tries to protest but is overruled. The talky bit at the beginning is good but the rest is godawful. Louis welcomes Kelly to Birmingham and wants to know what she thinks. Kelly can’t think. Gary says she’s speechless for the first time and she asks him what he means with more than a bit of an edge. Tulisa couldn’t understand what he was saying. He seems incredulous at this. Gary thinks he can’t be serious. He replies he is and he wants to go to boot camp. Gary tells him it’s never going to happen. Boo! Hiss! Gary. I’d love it if the others said yes at this point, just to put Daddy Barlow in his place, but they don’t. Four nos. Bye Graham! Dermot gives him a sympathetic ear, but Graham just says it’s a reality check.

Yet another montage. Someone comes on stage who is dressed up as Elvis. “OHMYGODITSELVIS!” screams Kelly. It’s plainly not love, settle. A lady in gold trousers wants to have a career like Beyonce. A man in a red T Shirt wants to be like Michael Jackson and an Irish girl wants to be like Britney. I suspect we are about to be shown that they won’t.

First up is Irish Lady. Her name is Aisling Corr [the lesser spotted member of The Corrs? Well, except for "Jim!"- Rad] and she’s from Dublin. Louis immediately perks up. She does a dreadful version of Womaniser that involves absolutely no blinking. Louis says no, even though she’s from Ireland, which Gary says is a first. Bit harsh today Gary. Red T-Shirt is Bharat Battina who is a 23 year old student. Louis calls him Borat, because all these forrin names sound the same. He sings a presumably self penned ditty about wanting to be a popstar and be famous like Michael Jackson. Kelly does a PUH-LEASE face. The song then descends into rapping. Gary summarises it by saying it was a man called Borat Riverdancing to an Ibiza house track and wonders if it was a dream. He asks to do another song. Gary says no. Meanie Gary.

Next out is a lady dressed up as Tina Turner [I knew a vicar called Tina Turner once. Fact. She's married and changed her name now though, boo! - Rad]. At least she’s honest, not like some of the auditions tonight. Her name is Jenny Overy and she’s 65. She tries to sing Simply The Best. Louis says it was a bad impression but she claims she’s just started and asks to sing another. She’s shot down. Oh look, its gold trousers! She’s called Sexy T, which is what Fazer calls Tulisa. TMI love. Sexy T’s real name is Tina Burgin and she’s 29 and a lecturer. She talks like she’s a Mike Leigh character. She embarks on a disastrous version of Crazy in Love which causes Louis to grimace. She then shakes her butt to such a degree that Dermot covers the eyes of her child. Tulisa thinks it was good until she started singing. She foolishly asks Kelly what she thinks. Kelly thinks her sister’s version is much better. HER SISTER BEYONCE, presumably. Gary doesn’t say anything so Sexy T assumes he’s speechless. He’s not. He’s being all funsponge about her shaking her bum, so naturally she does it again. Four nos. She talks about herself in the third person to Dermot about Kelly thinking she was bootylicious. I missed that bit.

MORE ADVERTS.

When we return, we are still in Birmingham. Dermot does a speech about the pressure of stepping on to the X whilst we see a young lad look frightened. Not just nervous... Terrified. He starts to cry when he gets on stage and gets a massive cheer. Gary asks him if he’s a nervous person. He says he isn’t, just in front of crowds. Maybe popstar isn’t the best job for him? Time to go back to the careers advisor sonny. His name is Harry O’Neill and he’s a 17 year old student. He’s going to sing ROLLING IN THE DEEP. *Adele Klaxon*. [This is like Steve's BEST EVER EPISODE - Rad] [To be fair, 'Rolling In The Deep' is one of the better Adele songs. Especially when someone who isn't Adele is singing it. - Steve] He’s a bit rubbish, but the potential is there. He stops and apologises. Kelly doesn’t think he’s ready, Louis wants him to go home and practice and Tulisa doesn’t think he’s ready either. Gary thanks him for coming. But he’s not the only nervous one! Oh no, next up is another nervous man called Scott Flannery who is a barman who forgets the words. Next nervous girl is 17 year old Rebecca Reid who is orange and berated by Kelly for letting her nerves get the better of her.

Next up and under pressure is 27 year old Jonjo Kerr. He’s wearing a HAT. He introduces himself. Gary asks where he’s from and he says he’s a SOLDIER so he’s from everywhere. *sigh*, it was only a matter of time. We see him in his uniform, we see him hugging his child. He tells us that he’s a soldier from Monday to Friday because he wants to be with his family at the weekends. Awww. His son loves that he’s a soldier. He’s decided to try out because all the lads at his camp had a singing competition that he won and they urged him to try out for the competition. The lads are behind him. He’s more nervous about going in front of the judges than he is about going to Afghanistan because he’s trained for that. Look! He’s a brave soldier! He’s perfect X Factor Fodder. He’s even got some soldiers and his PREGNANT WIFE with him. Kelly asks when his wife is due. In a mere two weeks! He starts to sing Handbags and Gladrags but messes it up. Kelly manages to turn an eyeroll into a look to the side. He messes up again and his son starts crying. Gary tells him to pull it together cos this isn’t him performing in front of his mates. He starts again, and it goes a bit better. The judges do their best meaningful faces. He’s going through, isn’t he? Imma put a tenner on him now. He’s going straight to the live shows. Let’s face it, the only thing he could do not to go through is fart into the microphone. Gary tries to inject a bit of danger into the proceedings by telling him not to move around so much. Kelly cries because he’s happy and he wants this. Louis thinks he can go really far but just needs some SELF BELIEF. Yes from Tulisa too. Kelly pretends she’s thinking about it as The Flood [I'm picturing Steve's face right now... - Rad] [If you pictured it sobbing, you were bang on the money - Steve] plays in the background. Four yeses. FACE OF SURPRISE. His trousers fall down on his way off stage. Tulisa justifies the decision to give him another chance by saying she fell in love with his sob storym. He goes backstage and tells Dermot that the audition was worse than WAR. [He was SHIT. There, I said it, I insulted a soldier. A soldier with a pregnant wife. *Awaits hate-mail from The Sun*. This episode is possibly the worst one ever - Rad] [I agree with Rad on all counts. - Steve]

Commercials!

We’re back in Liverpool. Dermot reminds us that there’s one thing every auditionee needs. A supportive parent. We love supportive parents on the X Factor, almost as much as parents who are DEAD. Lots of people talking to their parents, including one girl who tells her mother that her audition may be the first time she actually needs her. The two most supportive parents though, are those of 16 year old [*cough* - Rad] Amelia Lilly from Middlesbrough. Her parents are SO SUPPORTIVE, especially her dad who can never believe that it’s his little girl when he sees her sing. If she went through, he’d be over the moon. Amelia Lily, who looks and sounds like a character from The Worst Witch, is nervous. Its one thing watching the X Factor, but being on it is another thing. Well, quite. When they pulled up this morning, it was crazy. It’s amazing and daunting. Dad thinks she’s got a great future, but it may be a daunting task for someone her age. Amelia Lily isn’t worried. She’s going to give it Rock All cos it’s what she wants to do for the rest of her life. Louis wants to know why she’s there. She resists the urge to say “TO AUDITION FOR THE X FACTOR, GRANDAD”, instead opting for hoping that people like what they hear. She’s always wanted to be a singer and it’s amazing to be standing there. She sings “Take Another Piece of My Heart” in the style of Beverly Knight which is again, missing the point of the show. Everyone makes encouraging faces. When she finishes, her mum says that Amelia is going to cry. She does. Dermot agrees that it’s emotional.

Judging! Though, if the rest of the series is anything to go by, the last one is always a shoo-in. Tulisa can’t believe she’s only 16 because people take forever to get to her level and she blew up the stage. Dad’s crying now. Louis thinks it was big, bold and beautiful and she’s a star. Kelly can’t understand she’s only 16. Yes, we get it! She’s 16. Gary says she’s the reason he wanted to sit in the chair. She’s 16! Four yeses. Like it was any to go any other way. Dad does a little dance. Amelia runs off stage and hugs her SUPPORTIVE PARENTS whilst the judges go on about her being 16 some more.

So, it’s over for this weekend. Next weekend is another double bill and the last of the auditions. Prepare yourselves!

Lascel, sell, sell.

Week 4, Part 1 – Broadcast September 10 2011

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first part of this week’s Bitch Factor. Before we start, allow me to introduce myself for I am new. You may well know me from being fierce over at Bitching’s Next Top Model. If you don’t, then why not? It’s really good. Honest. I’m now turning my eye over to the big reality guns. Oh yes. It’s time for me to be less about giving good face and more about FACING. THE. MUSIC.

And so to business.

Titles! The judges are on fire! There are four of them! They have one mission – Finding the next big thing. Shot of Kelly getting over excited. Screechy Montage! It’s Saturday Night! WOO!

We begin with a recap of last week. Gary tells someone they are awful. Someone tells him that’s what he thinks. That’s kind of the point of the show. I don’t understand why people get angry when Judges judge them. The clue is in the name. Someone tells Tulisa she is in no way qualified to judge singing. Moving on...

Montage of angry people, shocked people and people giving the finger. Montage of people who are good including the obligatory cheering Nan. Louis is crying. Yawn.

The booming voice of X tells us that this week the search is continuing in this weekend’s double bill. We are treated to a montage of what we are about to see, which includes Kelly giving someone a speech about empowerment and presumably not dissing people on the internet because her mother taught her better than that. I have no such qualms though... Time to face the music!

*makes a cup of tea whilst the over long titles are on*

Dermot welcomes us to the X Factor over shots of Manchester over the opening bars of Greatest Day by Take That. Presumably this means that we are in Manchester this week. We see Gary B doing his stuff proper on the Progress tour. He’s stood on top of a giant robot with a flashing suit on. Last night, Gary was the star allegedly, though having seen that tour I can tell you that a “red bull”-ed up to the Eyeballs Robbie Williams was by far the standout performance of the night. But anyway, that doesn’t make this metaphor work. Last night Gary was the star and now he’s looking for one. DO YOU SEE?

We have some stop motion dawn breaking shots to indicate that it’s not last night anymore and that Gary is now ready to go out and be a judge. Gary thinks he’s going to find something special today because it’s his hometown. It isn’t. I was a teenage Take That obsessive and know that he’s from near Chester. To be fair, Manchester has got Chester in it and Gary is a man so we’ll let that one slide. Anyway, Gary persists in the charade and does a piece to camera from the back of the big car to say it’s good to be home. [If he's from Chester, how come he's never been a guest star in Hollyoaks? Or has he? - Rad]

Dermot tells us that it’s the biggest turnout in X Factor history. A few people in the crowd interview that they can’t wait to meet Gary Barlow. Oh, that electric personality strikes again. Gary thinks they will find their superstar in Manchester. Kelly lies that Gary always says beautiful things about Manchester. Tulisa wants the winner brought on and Louis thinks that there must be an awful lot of pressure on Gary because it’s his hometown. It’s not his hometown Louis, and even if it was, he is not personally responsible for the level of talent in there. To bring the point home that Gary has a vague association with Manchester we see him walking down a corridor and shouting “Manchester, na na na” whilst rubbing his hands together. He loses impetus by the second round.

What follows next is a bit of a Gary love-in over hair and makeup. Louis tells us that all the judges went to see the show last night and it was a spectacle. Tulisa said she was screaming “WE LOVE YOU GARY” from her booth. Louis then explains that Kelly didn’t know who Gary was until last night and now she knows. Cut to Kelly on her hands and knees before the Barlow whilst Dermot looks on in amusement. Gary is clearly embarrassed by this and all but drags her up whilst Tulisa and Louis look on and cackle. Kelly gives Gary a hug and tells him it was a beautiful show before giving a big “WOW” right in the camera.

The judges arrive inside the arena whilst we meet some of the contestants outside. We have cheerleaders, appalling dancing and some terrible teeth.

Dermot tells us that the first ones in looking to impress Gary are a duo that are aiming for the top. These two boys are afflicted with Orange, giving them the air of off-duty Oompa Loompas allowed to run free. Quick Mr Wonka! Get them back to the factory! They have drawn on eyebrows and one has pink hair whilst the other is blond. They are Kendro and they are going to win the X Factor. No, you’re not lads. Sorry. Kendro consist of 18 year old Alejandro and 23 year old Kendal. Do you see what they did there? Anyway. I think that they should rename themselves “Kendro – All similarities to Jedward are entirely coincidental” Henceforth, they shall be known. They admit that their name isn’t that imaginative whilst Kendal dissolves into giggles. Dermot speaks to them outside. They say that they exist only as Kendro – All similarities to Jedward are entirely coincidental in a yin-yang type way. I wonder which one is the evil one? They met four years ago through Kendal’s housemate and became friends before deciding to perform together. This means that Alejandro was 14 when they met or lying about his age. We hear about how they’re a confident force of nature whilst they put their lipgloss on. We see them applying their makeup and camping it up before they insist that they aren’t putting on an act. This is how they are. Kendro – All similarities to Jedward are entirely coincidental want to be wordwide and as big as Gaga. They hope they’re going to prove it today.

Dermot ushers them onstage. They introduce themselves to the judges and get a massive cheer. Kelly is impressed by the name. They insist that they do everything together and that they are like twins. Presumably this is a plea to Louis that they are Jedward mark 2. They wink at Kelly who openly laughs at them. They’re told to take it away but have to apply their lipgloss first. They launch into a disastrous version of Born this Way. They can’t sing. Tulisa laughs at them whilst they are cheered on backstage by their equally orange friends. The crowd love them.

“You guys had fun, right?” asks Kelly, leaving off the “because that’s what matters here”. Kelly thinks the vocals need to come up a bit and some of the notes were a bit off. Kendal agrees that they may well have been on another planet. “Not even in the BUILDING” Kelly replies, missing the point of trying to outdo someone. She says she had a lot of fun watching them. Tulisa thinks they have star quality but the vocals are disgraceful. Kendal asks if anything can be done. Tulisa doesn’t think so. Louis thinks there’s “something there”, presumably because they are the lovechild of Diva Fever and Jedward (now *there’s * an image). Kelly wants to hear from Gary. He thinks they’re everything the competition doesn’t need. He thinks the lipstick and the hair dye are all to distract from the fact they’ve got no talent. Well, DUH GARY BARLOW. This does not impress Alejandro. Louis tells Gary off. Gary does a “Bothered” face. Louis says yes, Tulisa says that they’re marmite, but she’d spread them on her toast so it’s a yes from her as I cry that Marmite has been turned into an adjective. Gary says no. Louis begs him for a chance but he refuses, leaving it all to Kelly Rowland. Kelly isn’t sure if she has the time to bring them vocally up to scratch. Louis tries to bully her into it. Kendro – All similarities to Jedward are entirely coincidental bully her into it and she caves. Louis admits that they aren’t good singers but could sell records. Gary says they’re the worst singers and Kelly tells him off. Gary reminds them that they might end up in one of their categories. Or his. Don’t worry Gary; you’ll be rid of them by bootcamp [although they're still the group with the most airtime so far... - Rad].

Advertising break. God, that new French Connection Ad is so full of itself it’s beyond parody.

And we’re back! Dermot tells us we’re still in Manchester, which is good, because we’ve only seen one audition. Someone in the crowd remarks that the crowd must be their fans because that one’s never been done before. Tulisa’s having yet more makeup applied. We learn that the venue is so big that they have to go round in X Factor golf buggies. Gary and Kelly slide into theirs like the superstars that they are whilst Tulisa and Louis argue about who gets to drive. Louis wins.

Gary tells us that t' Northwest is the place. Gary is told by a scary old lady that he’s sexier in real life than on the telly. Christine Rogerson, 50, squawks out a rendition of It’s Raining Men which makes Geri Halliwell’s sound sung by a professional. She sings in a broad Manchester accent whilst wearing a strapless playsuit that looks very precarious. She gets four nos. Surprisingly. Kelly asks if it’s always like this in Manchester. Louis laughs, Gary doesn’t answer, opting to look to the stage wistfully.

Next up is Andy Brooks - 17. He’s a beauty student. He’s spotty enough to make me turn over from the HD channel, poor soul [I had no such joy because I recorded it in HD, fool that I am - Rad]. The fact that he’s spotty and a beauty student seems a bit much for the judges to compute. He sings a version of “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce entirely through his nose. He doesn’t even need to open his mouth. Gary wishes he’d went all the way to the left and off the stage. He gets a no. “Things can only get better!” says Louis before grimacing.

Next up is Carl Stevenson – 21. He is unemployed and he likes singing, raving and having it large. HE does a one handed cartwheel and his mobile phone falls out his pocket. He does a lot of dancing and a tiny bit of rubbish singing. He’s reminded that it’s a singing competition. He agrees that this is a problem. He gets four nos. NEXT!

Gary is looking increasingly pissed off, but what’s this? It’s 31 year old Barmaid Samantha Brooks! She likes working in the bar because she can spend her tips on a kebab. She’s auditioning because she just wants to sing. You go, girl! She thinks it’s surreal to be on the stage, she’s shaking. She introduces herself and says that she wants to be famous so she can have Louis then shows him her bottom. She says she wants to give people goosebumps with her singing, but she can’t dance because she has a funny arm. She demonstrates this funny arm whilst Dermot eats his fist.

She says she’s going to sing One Moment In Time. She begins to explain why she’s singing it but Gary cuts her off. Classeh.

She launches into her version of her song. I can tell that we’re supposed to think that it’s good because the music and the expressions on the judges faces tells me I’m supposed to be moved, but it’s a bit like a sub-par Jane McDonald. If it were any more Cruise Ship she would be surrounded by girls with feathers in their hair and we’d all be feeling seasick. It’s a bit rubbish, really. [It was classic "loud is the new good". - Steve] Her family all cry backstage. She whips off her hat because of all the stuff she’s feeling. At this point Twitter exploded and I began to wonder if I was watching the same thing as everyone else. It’s like Tesco Mary Junior.

Oh, Kelly’s on her feet, Gary joins her. Kelly’s doing that American air-punch thing and can’t sit down because she’s TOO EXCITED. Louis wants to know where she’s been hiding. She was shy because of her look. Kelly tells her her size is SEXY. [Oh, KELLY. - Steve] Gary thought she was amazing and that the quiet notes were pure. It’s a yes from him and a massive yes from everyone else. Her family storm the stage. They all file off whilst the judges go on about how great she was. She meets Dermot backstage and calls him Durrboy, tells him that she’s sweaty and that her pants are falling down. Class all the way. Dermot goes in for the hug and she does her wobbly hand thing again. Gary thinks she’s going to be fun. That’s fun in an X Factor way then...

Adverts. It’s a shame Brightdancing never caught on.

We’re back to a montage of Girl Groups. Tress are first. They’re singing Bust your Windows badly. Kelly gives them an impromptu singing lesson [which made them sound even worse - Rad] and can see their potential so they get yeses. Next up in the singing makeup room are Sassy, who have come as bad drag queens. Two of them look like Mercedes from Hollyoaks and one looks like Michaela. They are not good and get nos. Backstage Dermot interviews them wearing a polo neck and they admit to being terrible. Next we have Sorelle, which I’ve only ever heard of on Masterchef. Only one of them can sing and they get four nos. One of Sorelle gets upset because you can’t impress Beyonce’s best friend.

Kelly wants to see some tight Acapella. Twisted are next. We see them getting out of a pink mini. They are all dressed as Bratz dolls. They are Chrissie, Cheryl, Katie and Paige. They are friends who decided to sing together. Dermot pretends to recognise Chrissie. She auditioned last year and got to bootcamp [but they probably never even filmed her there given the lack of archive footage. Stupid show. - Rad]. She thought her dream was over but the girls picked her up and now she has ANOTHER CHANCE. She wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else because they are her best friends. I smell shenanigans. We see them rehearsing as Chrissie tells us that they were born in her bedroom. In the makeup room they tell us that this is their dream. They want to be recording artists and work with their best friends every day. They keep mentioning the fact that they are best friends and it all feels a bit portentous. They file onstage and introduce themselves. Louis pretends to recognise her from bootcamp again. They want to be as big as Destiny’s Child. It’s at this point that we learn that one of them is 27 and I spend the audition trying to guess which one it is. They sing an Adele song. Well, Chrissie does whilst the others go “shoop” in the background.

Surprisingly, Kelly wasn’t crazy about the harmonies. Kelly wonders why Chrissie brought them along, no disrespect, then wonders aloud why she brought them. Chrissie says that it feels right that she’s brought them with her. The other three look murderous. Chrissie maintains that she loves them and doesn’t want to do it without them. Kelly suggests that she’s just a bit scared of failure.

They’re going to make her audition on her own, aren’t they? Poor thing.

Tulisa agrees with Kelly. Gary thinks that it’s not a band, just a solo artist with mediocre backing. Tulisa gives them a yes. Kelly thinks she shouldn’t have doubted herself and gives her a no. Louis just gives her a no.

Backstage, Chrissie wrestles with her conscience whilst the other three cry. One of them says it’s the most humiliating thing she’s ever done. The judges go on about how great Chrissie is.

Apropos of nothing, a member of the production team comes over and asks what is happening. Kelly wants to go and get Chrissie because it’s worth giving her a shot. People in the audience look confused. Kelly finds her and tells her that she has a unique voice and the girls are totally, like bringing her down. Blonde Twisted 1’s boyfriend shoots over some evils. Kelly asks her if she wants to come back. Of course she does, because it’s her dream, but she’s feeling guilty. Kelly then gets all up in her face about how it’s her opportunity and how she shouldn’t let anyone get in the way. Tell that to LeToya Tucket, LaTavia Robertson and Farrah Franklin, Kelly Rowland. Chrissie’s dad tells her to take her chance. She’s all red and blotchy and she comes onstage all sadfaced about how guilty she is. Kelly gives her her best understanding look. Kelly thinks she should chill out a bit and that’s swelling up her vocal chords and she should get it together because she doesn’t want to sing like she’s going over humps. She sings Forget You, and the timing is all wrong but she honks it out whilst the rest of Twisted give her the side eye. It’s at this point where I realise how differently dressed she is to the rest of the band. Almost like they’re part of their own band and she was just tacked on the side to give her a bit of a journey, but the X Factor would never do that, would they?

*says nothing*

The judges love it, however. The rest of Twisted certainly do not. Kelly thinks there’s work to be done but she’s got it. Tulisa thinks there’s something that gives her an edge from everyone else. IF ONLY THERE WAS A NAME FOR THAT. Gary thinks that if they’re really her friends they’ll understand. Two of them do. It’s a yes from all of them. It’s a beautiful thing. Kelly thinks her biggest enemy is going to be herself. We see ¾ of twisted walk away whilst Chrissie waits in the background. Kelly frets about breaking the group up. IT’S A BIT LATE FOR THAT NOW.

Adverts. Does the Katy Perry experience involve anything to do with Russell Brand? If so, DOES NOT WANT.

We’re back! Landmarks tell us that we’re back in London. Next up is Student Lascel Wood who is 20 and from Brighton. He looks like all of JLS. He’s been singing since he was a little boy in his bedroom. He tells us about his TRAGIC LIFE STORY which involves him being in foster care because his mum has Bipolar Disorder. He felt lost at times, but he survived through the POWER OF MUSIC. His mum has come with him, and they have a great connection. So great, in fact, she’s never heard him sing. Backstage, she tells him he can do it. Quite how she came to this conclusion having never heard him sing is anyone’s guess. He hopes today will be the start of something good and this is an AMAZING OPPORTUNITY to begin. Tulisa asks him about himself. He says he can’t see himself doing anything other than singing. Tulisa asks him about his life because a runner told her to. He explains about his TRAGIC LIFE STORY. Kelly makes understanding faces while he explains that his circumstances have only made him stronger. Tulisa asks if his foster parents are supportive. He explains that he’s left foster care and is here with his mum. Your real mum? asks Tulisa, as mum sobs. He announces he’s going to sing his own version of Use Somebody. His mum sobs again before he’s even opened his mouth.

He sings the song. He adds in so many notes I wonder if he’s being sponsored per note. He goes up and down more times than Cheryl Cole’s (insert your joke here). Several members of the audience are moved to tears whilst the judges make stunned faces. His mum is still crying.

He gets a standing ovation. He looks genuinely humbled. Tulisa asks him how he feels. He’s feeling emotional. Tulisa asks him to bring out his mum for a lovely televisual moment. His mum is very proud of him. Kelly does that eye waving thing whilst Tulisa tells him he was amazing. Kelly’s feeling emotional and she’s proud of him and his beautiful relationship with his mother that he knows nothing about. She thinks his passion was beautiful . Gary thinks his audition was stunning because he believed every word. Louis thinks he’s got soul. Four yeses. One of them massive, one massive-massive. As if there was going to be any other outcome.

“One to watch” says Gary to the judges, then does a piece backstage about how Lascel was a butterfly who grew through singing. What a torturous metaphor. Kelly is excited because the competition is getting better.

Tomorrow! Old men! Elvis! Shattered dreams! Crying!

Join me then!

Someone like Adele

Week 3: Broadcast September 3 2011

Previously: A load of old rubbish, and, surprisingly, the odd OK-ish singer.

Tonight! I’m on the rota so it’ll be back to being terrible, I’m afraid! All the judges have lost their surnames! Olly Murs is at Number One! In the same week Waterstone’s cancelled 3-for-2s and E4 axed Friends! We’re all doomed!

The show goes on to remind us that as well as Olly FUCKING Murs, Cher Lloyd and JLS have had number ones this year. So the moral of the story is… don’t win this show?

Coming up! Lots of rubbish and Kelly and Louis cry. Oh boy.

I’m not sure I’m ready to face the music, but here we go anyway.

Terrible new gimmick of the week: home video diaries of contestants preparing to come to the auditions and being waved off by their families. Give me strength. At least the show’s not even bothering to pretend showing up to auditions is a spontaneous thing. [I'd swear one of the "at home" videos was done in the toilets at The O2. - Steve]

Someone puts on make-up in a tent. So much for the silly make-up room (which seems to be absent this week. Small mercies.)

Kelly wants to find a Destiny’s Child ‘times ten’. So a band of 40 members who somewhere along the way become a band of 30? OK. Tulisa wants an ‘urban’ act. Gary wants the hairs to go up on his neck. Louis wants to find some talent, and someone that wants to be a popstar. I like that their ambitions aren’t all that high.

First up, David Wilder, who looks like the lovechild of Steven Tyler and Martina Navratilova. He has been seeking this dream ‘for a while’ – for which, read since at least 1973, given the lines on his face. Louis asks why he’s here. To sing, apparently. Good start. He’s “42” and wants to be a rock legend. He’s in a purple jacket and purple shades and they’ve given him a purple background to match. He’s going to sing ‘Life on Mars’. Louis says ‘OK, Bowie’, to prove that he’s got musical knowledge and suchlike. The close ups on the faders are back, like we missed them. Oh yeah, he’s unemployed as well. Of course. He’s not particularly good, but he’s reasonably in tune for the most part and just about gets some of the high notes (although not the ‘Mars’). He runs around the audience and up the stairs in the stalls and is about 10,000 percent better than that lad who showed his arse a fortnight ago. He gives a rock star pose ending, and the audience give him a standing ovation. Kelly thinks we all need to be a bit like David Wilder for reasons I hope she keeps to herself. Louis makes a ‘freakiest show’ joke. Gary offers some ‘constructive criticism’ and says ‘bad tuning, bad timing, bad diction, no connection to the song, but I absolutely loved it’. Earning his place on the panel, right there. They all give him yeses, and I’d say he could well be this year’s Storm Lee. Heaven help us. To be fair, he was OK, in a ‘your dad’s mate’s band’ kind of way, but I hate to think what he’ll be when they’ve worked their “magic” on him for the live shows.

Ads. Jonathan Ross’s new set looks fucking horrible.

Dermot reminds us this show is open to people aged 16 or over. And always has been, there has never been anyone aged 14 or 15 on this show, ever. We have always been at war with Eastasia. The camera then shows us a small child for reasons unknown (also: I kind of want to see the US version of this show for the Scherzinger/Abdul factor, but 12 year olds? There’s a reason I don’t watch Britain’s Got Talent. Actually there are many reasons, such as performing dogs, mental old people and all the judges. But singing children are right up there).

Lots of 16 year olds want to be here, apparently, and they’ve all been waiting until they were old enough to audition. There’s something very, very sad about this. Also, you know who had that storyline last year? Cher Lloyd. And look how that turned out. Lem: 16, big hair, tuneless honk, too much warbling, four yeses. Max: looks like a 3rd rate Harry Styles, weird vocal tone although could be OK with training, four yeses. Lizzie: looks like a junior Kim Gee (from Pop Idol 2 and my Performing Arts class at college fame), cute as a button but utterly terrible, four yeses. 16 year olds are not all that. [Dear 16-year-olds: please at least get normal singing right before attempting to do melisma. That'd really help. - Steve]

Next 16 year old is Luke Lucas. Dermot rightly points out the awesomeness of the name. He apparently loves Tulisa. He seems a little square for that, but hey. He also has pink earphones and is wearing a white top in a Gareth Gates style. He wants to ‘bring happiness to people’. He comes on stage and says ‘Hello Gary’, and then ‘Hi Tulisa’ and tells her she’s beautiful. Louis and Kelly, apparently, do not matter. She lets him kiss her cheek. He looks a lot younger than 16 and is singing ‘Who’s Loving You’ by Michael Jackson. I already fear we have a new Eoghan Quigg on our hands. His voice hasn’t broken yet, which means there could be a lot of fun come later stages of the show. He’s not bad, albeit a bit squeaky, but let’s face it, all the entertainment is going to come from the weeks where his voice is a bit inbetween. Maybe they can capitalise on the inevitable squeaky/booming issue and give him songs like ‘Barbie Girl’. Tulisa thinks he’s ‘so cute’ and does a pinching baby’s cheeks motion. Oh, Tulisa, teenage boys are very rarely cute, especially when they’re at that awkward stage before someone’s thrust anti-perspirant at them.

Ads. Elliott from Hollyoaks and the sinister flirting Bird’s Eye polar bear. He’s doing well for himself these days then.

We return to hear that lots of girls want to be Britney Spears, Lady GaGa or Rihanna (yawn). This is our cue to welcome back Michael Lewis, who did a bad Michael Jackson impression last year. Apparently, that taught him a valuable lesson. Was that valuable lesson to go home, get a job, find a boyfriend/girlfriend, take up knitting or do something otherwise vaguely useful with his life, perchance? Why no, of course not. It was to ‘be himself’ and come back and audition without the sequins. He’s wearing leather now, and looks a bit like a make-up free Adam Lambert. He says he has a new attitude and new positivity in the most downbeat way imaginable.

You know what else is odd about this show? Its decision that young boys idolising Michael Jackson = "perfect pop stars". Men idolising him = creepy and strange. I'm not sure I want to get into the weird psychology here.

Louis reads his crib notes to pretend he remembers him from last year. I need not tell you what Michael does for a living. He flings off his jacket – so it’s unclear if the jacket was part of the real him or not. Maybe he’s been taking ‘real me’ tips off Katie Waissell and the music to Geri Halliwell's 'Look At Me' starts up. If I wasn’t on recapping duty, I would so be fast-forwarding this. It’s incredibly tedious and goes on a lot longer than it needs, of course. I’m intrigued by the grotty brown boots he’s wearing, which don’t seem to go with the look. He ends by shouting about how there’s ‘so much positivity in this room’. Last time someone with ‘issues’ tried to be ‘up’, the show goaded them into calling Tulisa a chav, so I don’t feel this is going to end well. He starts to argue with Gary and Louis. He sits on the stage and sulks as they all say no and looks like he’s about to cry, because he’s clearly not mentally well enough to be on telly. He then lies down and says ‘this is my stage, I belong on this stage, what part of that don’t you understand’ and starts shouting at them for turning on him and being two-faced, and essentially starts having a full-on breakdown, and no-one does anything, just lets him crack up. This fucking show.

Eventually Gary gets up, shakes his hand, says it was nice to meet him and he goes. This show has no duty of care ethos whatsoever, does it? Like that’s any surprise. [I can't believe what a colossal step backwards this show was after last week's. - Steve]

Anamelia, nightclub hostess, sings something that clearly should have a ‘fuck’ in it and they all whine at her about being arrogant because she wants to win. Yet they lapped up arse boy from the first show. Women, know your limits. Mitchell Webb – brilliant name, if you like certain comedic double acts – “26” (at some point many decades ago, and he just stopped counting), has an argument with Gary saying ‘bit too much like Robbie is it? Threatened?’ In the way that you’re clearly mental, yes, very much like Robbie. Jade, 21, attempts a bad mash-up of ‘Empire State of Mind’ and ‘Do it Like a Dude’ and gets told off for rapping rather than singing because that’s so 2010 and anyway, she’s not a spoilt little white girl, and it’s only subversive and edgy when they do it. She says ‘I thought rapping was a form of singing’ and gives a sarcastic ‘it’s your opinion’ which is a rubbish retort when she could have just gone ‘I hear Jerusalem bells A RING A DING A DINGING’. Contestants: know how to give good burn. Carina, cleaner, 32, squeaks through ‘Telephone’ and some Rihanna lookalike does a talk to the hand motion to the camera.

The world’s chavviest girl band, Angel, start with ‘Get my Swag On’. Oh no they di’nt. They then mash it into ‘Whip My Hair’ but don’t really get much hair whipping in. Kelly wants to think what Tulisa thinks, because they clearly want to be her. She says they can’t sing, which is true. One says ‘that’s a bit rich, coming from you’, the other two pull ‘shocked’ faces and they get booed. Kelly does the Karren Brady ‘women don’t be bitches’ line and Gary shakes his head like a disappointed dad. Everyone says no. Tulisa loses her cool and mangles ‘if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen’ into ‘get out of the kitchen if you can’t handle the heat’ but she’s still more literate than Simon, even when clearly upset.

The queen bitch from Angel snits to Dermot that 'Tulisa was being bitchy, miss' and gives the camera an epic bitch face in the booth of bitterness while her bandmates say they need to bite their tongues. She is actually kind of scary.

Ads. The Beatles ‘1’ in a remastered version. It didn’t even come out that long ago, did it? Also: Hooray, only 15 minutes left! I love these short audition shows this year.

The fortunate thing about this year is that I’ve managed not to be in on any Saturdays so far, so I’ve been watching this show several days later. This does mean, however, that by the time I see it, I know who the alleged ‘buzz’ is about each evening. I’m sensing a very stong pull towards a young female winner this year (i.e. there's been no pull whatsoever to anyone in any of the other categories).

I’m also sensing that the massive lack of groups in all three episodes so far is entirely deliberate to prove that groups of failed soloists are entirely the future, even though, they’re not really.

This is the girl who this week’s buzz is about, Jade. She’s brought her gran with her, which always goes down well with us Telly Bitchers. The sad thing is, she looks so entirely normal, with her tracksuit top and bandana and unkempt black hair, and you know this show will try and either slick her up so she looks weird, or do a Michelle McManus on her, emphasise her weight and stick her in smocks to do a ‘look, large girls can win’ spiel. (Hey, it was 8 years ago right? We’ve all forgotten that contrived situation now, haven’t we? Anyway, Jade has her nose pierced and a tattoo, which is an EDGY TWIST on the theme.) As if to hammer home the point about larger ladies, it’s ‘Someone Like You’. God, bloody Adele. I don’t even hate her that much, unlike Steve [that's because I hate her enough for both of us - Steve], and I’m already dreading how much more of her there is to go this series. It's so obvious that this year the producers went 'Let's find the new Adele. Only with a bit of a twist, like'. You just know that's also the line Andrew Lloyd Webber would be using were he doing a show at the moment. I miss the Lloyd Webber searches. *Sigh*. This show could learn much from the exit songs and colour coding of those shows.

Her lower register isn’t as good as she thinks it is, but in places she’s not got a bad voice – unfortunately, she’s doing an exact Adele impression, rather than putting her own personality into things. Also unfortunately, she gets a lot, lot worse as she goes along, losing the tune in places, and you know she wouldn’t get the attention if she didn’t look like a ‘different’ contestant. [Also, she doesn't even attempt to go into a higher register at the point Adele does, which doesn't exactly scream "massive vocal range". - Steve] She then cries and blushes a bit. I quite like her as a person, but I already hate what this show will do to her, and to 'us' as it tries to make us root for her.

Kelly cries in a slightly fake way and says she ‘had a dream’ about this song all week. No Kelly, it’s just stuck on your internal jukebox like it is for the rest of us because it’s never off the telly/radio/instore stereo. Backstage, her grandma cries and gets some Dermot hand-holding. Tulisa and Gary love her and Louis cries as well.

Leona Lewis plays to remind us that girls are the bestest X Factor winners (although her new song is just plain weird, isn't it?), and everyone cries and hugs Dermot.

Next week: a double bill. Oh fuck, and just when I was enjoying the shorter shows.