End of a Century

Audition Show 5 - 19 September 2009

Show 100

Welcome back to The X Factor, and have ITV got a treat in store for us this week?! Yes, that's right, there are TWO-count-em audition shows this weekend. Can't you just smell our excitement? I'm guessing this is to prepare us for the joy of having overblown results shows on a Sunday this year, which I just can't wait for. Oh, ITV, with all these changes you are really spoiling the show us.

Opening voiceover: we've already seen the 'good' (Danyl, Olly, a couple of girls whose names I've forgotten), the 'bad' and the 'indescribable' (everybody else). This weekend, 'it's an X-Factor double bill'. Oh, E4 sarky voiceover man, you make that sound like the joy it will surely be. O Fortuna plays, at about a million decibels, and there are lots of screaming singers and judges pulling faces. It is, apparently, the 100th episode of this show. Only 100? It feels like it has taken up much more of my life than that. How many X-Factor cliches can they fit in to 'celebrate' this milestone? Please don't play drinking games tonight, kids. We don't want to be held responsible for ensuing liver failure. Coming up - lots of perving over hot boys (Dannii and Cheryl) and lots of crazy women perving over Simon and Louis.

Dermot the corporate drone welcomes us to-wouldya believe it-London, for the eightybillionth time this series. There are the usual obligatory shots of the judges arriving in different clothes from the ones we then see them wearing in the studio.

Our first contestant apparently wants more than fame and success, he wants to make a difference. Can you hear the background music? Why, it's our blessed Saviour Michael Jackson with 'Earth Song'. Is it soon enough for this show to be using his songs as background music for the comedy contestants? It's not that I have any particular reverence for the guy, but I imagine later episodes of this thing are going to pull out the schlocky 'doing it for Michael Jackson' type tropes so I just want to flag up right now how much 'respect' they have for him (mind you, nothing can be as disrespectful as last year's MJ theme week).

Anyway, meet 30-year old Richard. He's balding, ginger-haired, a security guard, wears glasses, has bad teeth and wants to spread a message of humanity. I don't see him being the shock Susan Boyle contestant we're inevitably due at some point, do you? Ooooh, he's singing 'Word Up' by Cameo/Gun. I like the originality, at least. He starts by some comedy dancing and a little bit of almost-moonwalking in honour of our dear departed etc. His vocals can hardly be described as singing, although this is more of a shouty/sneery song anyway. There's more dancing, and the crowd go wild. Poor the crowd. He's rubbish, but probably a lot more entertaining than what you've got coming. The judges tell him they like him but he's rubbish (well, Louis, Cheryl and Simon do - Cheryl even getting a boo! Dannii as always, is silent). He is sent packing to the strains of 'Beat It'. Can you see what they did there?

'Beat It' continues over a montage of comedy contestants. Next up Maggie, 'an airline personnel' who flirts a bit with Simon and squeaks out 'When a Child is Born'. A little unseasonal, perhaps, but there are only 96 shopping days left, people! And the Perfume Shop where I live has had its decs up since mid-August. Anyway, Christmas is coming, and 'your' X-Factor 'winner' will be hawking some dreadful cover of a song you used to like, so get ready...

We see 76 year old Morriss, who wears a fluorescent Spanish-dancer type top (Carrie will probably know the proper terminology what with her love of the dancing and all). [Oh, God, I wasn't even watching at this point. Was too awful. - Carrie] He sings 'Delilah' badly and we are onto a Maggie Gyllenhaal/Kelly Clarkson hybrid lady called Chelsey (though I swear she said Petra). Louis asks her if she wants to go 'on tour' (is this how they get the rubbish ones to agree to do the X Factor Live travelling circus?). She loves it apparently, then squeaks very badly through 'Fighter'. The judges look genuinely disappointed that she can't be the token rock chick candidate this year, as she could definitely look the part with a make-over. She's only 16, apparently, though looks old enough to have got served at her local offy, easily. Well, until she told the nation she was 16.

Dermot chats to a hunky scarf guy called Ethan from Chicago. He goes on stage and the audience go wild. Dannii gives a deliberate perv look to the camera which is kind of funny. He's going to sing 'Use Somebody' by Kings of Leon, who have been dedicated this series' contemporary rock act that our judges have heard of. By which, I mean they all had a copy of 'Only By the Night' thrust at them and were told to listen to tracks 3, 4 and 10 a few times. He has a decent tone to his voice but he can't enunciate for toffee and he's not as amazing as he will be made out to be, but hey, see also: every other 'good' contestant this series. [At this rate, I'm going to be watching the rest of the series on mute, but hey, at least now there's something nice to look at. - Steve] He also goes off key a little bit, but he's good looking, young and 'edgy' so there's no question here, is there? Cheryl had decided he's really sweet and humble even though they barely spoke to him. Dannii says he's a superstar and she wants a piece of that. OK, enough with the Dannii=perv thing now. Deliberate comedy looks are one thing, but she's not "Mrs O". Louis wants someone that is modern, up-to-date, understated, good-looking and talented, and also the moon on a stick. The girls are going to love him apparently, cue producers making the girls scream. Simon says Ethan 'knows music' because he sang a top 10 hit from one of the biggest bands in the world rather than 'the usual'. Oh, Kings of Leon, I do quite like you, but I fear I may hate you by the time Christmas rolls around. The judges love him and try to do their talking about the contestant thing, but doing it in front of the audience just feels ridiculously awkward and stilted.

We're "back" in Birmingham, with the biggest crowd we've ever had, apparently. Dermot doesn't specify if that's the biggest audition crowd in Birmingham, the biggest audition crowd ever or simply the biggest crowd in the world EVER, though. We are reminded how much we must all love Cheryl by them giving us a special bit where she is signing autographs and having her photo taken for her 26th birthday, and there are some people half-heartedly chanting her name. Her husband (BOO! HISS! - a nation) is also with her and Simon has 'a birthday surprise' in store - it's a cake with those candles that don't blow out like you used to have at parties when you were a kid. We get lots of shots of flowers and gifts - and it's all so "whyyyyy?" I mean, I can't imagine them doing this segment for, say, Louis, can you? [It's because she's a national treasure, innit. We must not be allowed to forget this. It is the party line. We have always been at war with Eastasia. - Steve]

Anyway, apparently it's time to get back to the business of finding a superstar (sic). A business we should have never fucking left in the first place. Faye is Lea from Big Brother 7 meets Joy from My Name is Earl meets a Barbie-doll gone to Ann Summers, wearing a basque that's too small for her boobs. Her dream is to be worldwide famous and she's use her fame for good (o hai, Richard from part one!) and would, ahem, save donkeys. She'd also like to be in heat magazine, which is probably very easy to achieve simply by virtue of being on tonight's show. Anyway, she comes on stage all basque and suspenders and Simon's all 'you look cute'. He asks her what she does for a living and she's 'a teacher in a prison'. The judges do the jaw drop thing and so do I, I'm afraid. Curse you, show. Simon is shocked and says 'I bet you're popular'. She jokes that all her classes are well-attended and I am beginning to warm to her a little more. Louis asks if she wears that for work. Yes, Louis, of course she does. She says she dresses like Margaret Thatcher for work. There is a whole weird niche of men around the country who have probably just exploded at this thought. The audience boo the Thatcher. Ooh, political. Simon tries to ask her 'what's the reason...' but collapses in giggles. She's going to sing 'River Deep, Mountain High'. She's apparently 28 but I would have put her several years older. Either this show gets very old-looking people on it generally or TV ages people dramatically, or I am a terrible judge of ages because I always think contestants are way older than they are (see also Richard and Chelsey tonight). She's OK - a bit squeaky and off-tune in places, though (and I still prefer the Nicola Roberts version from Popstars: the Rivals). Dannii says she's full of surprises, Cheryl is stuck for words and eventually comes out with 'I enjoyed it'. [This pissed me off. It was like she was waiting for the audience to laugh at Faye some more before she said anything, and when she did deign to comment it came off as really condescending. - Carrie] Simon says she's picked up some bad habits like singing through her nose and she doesn't sound yet like a recording artist. One lone man in the audience boos. Simon continues that she's interesting and people will like her and she stands out. Anyway, she's easily through to Boot Camp, then in the booth of light and dark tells us she's one step closer to being in Heat magazine and blows all the goodwill she'd previously built up.

Next up: Tracey, a pretty black lady with big hair. Through, surely, on looks alone? She's 25, and the last of 14 children. On behalf of all women everywhere, I say OUCH. She sings 'I'm Every Woman' and apparently her name is spelled 'Treyc'. Sigh. Dannii 'grooves' because the producers have decided she is 'down with this kind of thing'. Simon gives his perv/money-making smile. Cheryl says it was the best audition of the day. Four yeses, as if it'd be anything else.

Carl has his nan, WHO IS ALIVE, backstage and looks a bit like a trimmer, younger, Dead Wife Daniel. He sings 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing', which is one of the 25+ male standards and one of my least wanted, especially as they all sound like they're straining when they do it, so boo to him. Anyway, they bring Marjorie, his nan, on and Simon does his old lady sweet-talk act which must occur at least once per series so hopefully that cliche's now done with for another year. Random filler of Treyc calling her family.

Four young people (two men, two women) with dayglo 'How hood are you?' T-shirts on. Louis Walsh's 'groups with matching clothes-ometer' goes CHING! They are called Harmony Hood, which is a name of pure arse, but do a decent version of 'Love Lockdown' and they have lots of energy, so good for them. Definitely one of the best groups so far - and the only non girl-group I can actually remember. Through to the finals, let alone Boot Camp, surely?

More gubbins about Cheryl's birthday which is too tedious for words. Ads. We're not even halfway through. I may weep.

Montage of the judges arriving and a focus on Cheryl and Dannii wearing nice clothes - cue a 'Simon only wears jeans and a t-shirt shocker fluff piece' for which there really is no point considering this is the SIXTH series. Make the point in series one if you must, then move on. Le sigh. Anyway, that bit of fluff over, we have Natricia, "29", who wants to be a superstar. She is singing 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody', and I can just picture Steve hiding behind his sofa right now considering this song is notorious X Factor audition death [technically it's live show death, but the point is much the same: deploy with extreme caution - Steve], but anyway, cue more mixing desk shots. Wouldn't you know it? She comes in at the wrong point, is out of time and out of tune. Well, colour me shocked.

The audience laugh like the programmed morons they are and they just keep letting her carry on for way too long. Simon calls it one of the worst versions of the song he's ever heard, and we all know he's heard some pretty bad ones. Do you think we might be in for a few more bad auditions, anyone?

Gianni, 42, sings 'Vogue' without vogueing. Jackson, 17, sees himself as a pop prince (it's all in the name!) and sings 'Billie Jean' badly. Now MJ's finally in his grave he can look forward to an eternity of spinning in it. Simone is a model and Cheryl asks if he's hot. If you have to ask, love, the answer's probably no. Oh, she means warm hot. And the other kind, presumably, as the producers make her tell him to take his top off. Anyway, he isn't very good, so we move on.

Cue comedy Glenn Miller music and Eileen, an older lady in white fur and pearls who used to practise singing in an air raid shelter. Her dream is to make a record and boogie away to it. Cheryl asks her how old she is, and she says 20 years ago I was 60. So 80, then? I don't understand the logic here. There is some mock flirting with Simon and the audience lap it up. She gives him a hug. She tries to tell us what she's singing and Cheryl talks all over her. She's singing 'The Wonder of You' and I am guessing it is that standard X-Factor old person who can sing OK but is long past their best and is a bit wobbly but will go through to Boot Camp then get kicked out trope, so I think we all know where this is going.

Simon tells Dannii she could be in a group with Eileen because they both have dark bobbed hair. This time Louis and Dannii say no and get to be the bad people and Simon tells her she has to get a piece of music together and come back tomorrow, which is presumably this year's 'learn a new song and come back' - but also sheds some interesting light on things - do this year's contestants have to provide their own backing tracks? I just assumed the producers had a stack of the things. Or maybe they do, but they only have your standard 20 favourite X Factor classics, plus (new for this year!) the last Kings of Leon album. [My $0.02, if anyone cares - I think once they get to this stage, they have to pick songs from pre-approved lists, to some degree. Certainly several different contestants have used the exact same backing track, so I would think they're producer-supplied. It's odd, because some people get very professional-sounding tracks, and others get obvious karaoke versions. And some have randomly been performing acapella. - Steve]

Apparently now 'up and down the country' more hopefuls face the judges. We see the much touted in the pre-publicity Kandy Rain, who sing 'Don'tcha'. One of them is wearing some very unforgiving leather trousers. Anyway, they're not even the best girl group on this series so far, never mind the best group EVA. Hype - bite me. In fact, they're kind of like Hope without Phoebe i.e. completely unremarkable. They're through though.

A very cute seeming 19 year old Indie sings 'Summertime' and it's a yes, too. Also 'good' are Stacey McLean [from S Club Juniors! - Steve] who seems a bit affected but to be fair we only see two seconds of her performance because who cares about the people that get through, right? Next up is Dominic who got through to judges' houses in 2007 when he was only 15 (unlike anyone this year though I haven't heard any mea culpas from Simon over the whole 14 and 15 year olds thing). Dannii asks him what's changed since he was last here and he says he's more mature. She says it takes a lot of guts to come back. He's singing Chris Brown's 'With You' which I don't especially like, but it's contemporary and hasn't been killed on this show yet, so that puts him in my good books. He sings well and though there isn't anything spectacular about him, you can see how he would be a hit with the teenage girl demographic and a bit of polish might get him to the mid-way through the live shows point. Cheryl and Louis say he's improved, though Cheryl thinks he needs more swagger. Simon says it's not incredible. Louis butts in and says 'it's good, Simon'. Simon points out he didn't say it wasn't good, he said it wasn't incredible, which it wasn't. Simon thinks he's trying to be somebody else and he's better than he was two years ago. Cue the 'I want it all or nothing at all' Westlife song of guaranteed success. Dermot says 'it's finally Dominic's time' - although clearly not yet, as he got to judges' houses last time, so there's still some way to go to beat that.

'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' is the cue to meet 31-year-old Nicole who wants to sing with a full orchestra at the Albert Hall one day. Fair enough. She's very smiley. Simon asks why things haven't worked out for her musically in the past few years. She says she used to sing in pubs and she used to sing with her father. Can we guess what's coming, folks? Actually, seeing as it's the 100th episode and we've recycled every X Factor cliche and standard piece of backing music so far, it would feel remiss if we didn't have this, so I'm secretly pleased. Anyway, altogether now.... HER DAD. WHO IS DEAD. Do we even need to hear her sing? She sings 'Take a Little Piece of My Heart' and it's fine and all but very cheesy, but we only hear two seconds because HER DAD IS DEAD. Simon then tells her to sing her other song, Alicia Keys' 'If I Ain't Got You' (sigh). Cue piano. It is, of course, better than the first performance, but who cares? She has a DEAD DAD. Hooray!

Simon says she's not all that good, and gives her a no. Louis says she's better than Simon thinks she is. Cheryl likes her. Dannii says she agrees that she has bad habits but it is a yes. Louis says the over 25s is a difficult category this year - which is probably true, I can't name many acts in the other categories at the moment. Anyway, clearly it's an overall yes.

Apparently the 'X Factor competition' is only every two weeks this year. I hadn't noticed that before. How odd.

Dermot welcomes us back with a salutory reminder that the way not to get through to the next round is to be a duo. Unless you're 2ToGo or Journey South, but OK, the point is generally true. We see clips of some of this year's failed duos, and next are two people who 'are convinced they can turn it all around' - Russell and Katie. He wears glasses. She's in a purple frock. He has a matching tie. They are a couple. They're called 'It Takes Two' or, probably 'It Takes2'. They used to perform at Pontin's (like Scott). They've worked so hard for so long, and 'It Takes Two' (I think the Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston version?) plays in the background. If it was Bruno and Liz's version, I might actually LOL. Missed opportunity. They now work at Alton Towers, and before they came on stage, they made it sound like this was as entertainers, but no, they operate the rides and trains. Oh. Oh my, It's 'It Takez 2'. Ulp. They're singing 'I'll Be There' and in a reveral of 2ToGo's fortunes, she's pretty good and he isn't really that great. I wonder if either of them are blind. The judges agree that she's a lot better than him. We haven't seen them break a group up yet this series - could this be the one? Dannii says no because of Russell, Cheryl and Louis say yes because of Katie. Simon gives the pause of eternity and says yes. Cue 'I've Had the Time of My Life'. Cheryl cries a bit, then they come offstage and Russell bursts into tears hugging his mum saying he thought he'd let Katie down.

Tomorrow - the auditions come to an end. Hurrah! Someone is sailing through to the next round. Simon can't help but be emotional. Some people are good, lots of people are bad. Some boys take their tops off, and Eileen is back. Whooop. Join Carrie for all the fun!

The good, the bad, and the Olly

Audition show 4
TX date: 12th September 2009

Previously on The X Factor: the auditions moved into a bigger venue! The producers began to doubt themselves! Tonight: the auditions continue, and the judges pull no punches! Or so they would have us believe, anyway. I remain unconvinced. It is time to face the music, just in case you weren't aware of that by now. Cue titles!

The trucks are rollin', and to begin with, we're in Glasgow. "It seems the whole of Glasgow has turned up for the auditions," says Dermot, displaying once again his inadequate knowledge of the populations of the UK's major cities. Back to school with you, O'Leary! It is busy, though, I'll grant you that. And of the thousands of people gathered, I'm guessing we'll maybe see about ten of them on screen? If we're lucky, of course. Hope it was worth those hours out in the cold, Glasgow!

Louis complains that it is raining. Sigh. I hate to bitch him out so early in the episode, but you have just been driven to the venue, and now you must be exposed to the elements for about 30 seconds, after which you will remain indoors for a considerable period of time. The weather should really not be your concern right now. Idiot. Apparently the judges have a really long walk once they're inside the venue to get to the stage, and somebody thought this would make for entertaining television. It doesn't. This is why you don't see Coronation Street being moved out of the schedule to make way for the International Long Distance Walking Championships. It's very dull. Eventually they get there, and the crowd cheer.

The first auditionee is Diana Watson, 59, a nursing assistant. She says that she and her singing partner are up there with the great Jews. Oh, sorry: duos. Her singing partner is - wait for it - her dog Jazz. See, shit like this is why you will never catch me watching Britain's Got Talent. Together they're called All That Jazz. Dermot asks what kind of music Jazz likes, and apparently her tastes are extensives. Diana says that you don't see many duets involving a dog. And I'm sure we're about to see why. As they wait backstage, Jazz snaps at Dermot. I know he's turned into a bit of a toady, Jazz, but that's a slight overreaction.

There follows the obligatory bit where Simon and Cheryl pretend they haven't been briefed extensively as a result of the three or four auditions Diana and Jazz would've had with the production team, and so we're subject to the tedious "does the song sing?" / "no, of course not" / "yes, she does" / "fucking hell, the dog sings?!" exchange. It gets even more hilarious (your mileage may vary, mine certainly did) when Simon asks how long they've been a duo, and Diana answers that Jazz is seven, and Simon's all no, how long have you been singing together, and Diana is all, very firmly, seven years. The dog has been singing since she was born. Oh God, why am I even recapping this bit? I feel like God is looking down on me right now and saying "if you really can't find something more constructive to do with those fingers, you really should look into masturbation."

Let's cut to the chase. They are singing 'I Will Survive', except Jazz appears to be camera-shy, because she just looks a bit bemused while Diana fumbles her way through the lyrics. Oh dear. "Your dog doesn't sing, does it?" asks Simon. Diana insists she does. Louis said he'd be happy if the dog even barked. Well, that explains why he was so fond of Niki, I guess. It's four nos from the judges (incidentally, Dannii is looking stunning tonight) and Diana leaves, finally.

Oh God, there are more of them. 22-year-old student John Cassidy is about four octaves too low for 'My Life Would Suck Without You', and can't even sing those notes right anyway. Dannii pronounces it "diabolical". John agrees he needs singing lessons. Gisela Lee (18, student) manages to make 'If I Ain't Got You' sound even worse than when Alicia Keys sings it. Dannii is full-on headdesking at this point, by the way. Hee. Gisela attempts to explain her woeful performance by saying that she's "got a jetlag". Oh dear. Gordon Rush (31, support worker, dressed in terrifying shiny blue and gold romper suit) sings 'Achy Breaky Heart', gets on telly just like he wanted, and gets a "resounding never" from Simon. Incidentally, these auditions are all intercut with shots of Diana out in the corridor trying to get Jazz to sing. No, stop! My sides! I cannot take all this hilarity!

Adverts, and not a moment too soon.

Dermot welcomes us back by reminding us of all the deranged people who went before. Next auditionee Carla Schettini walks onstage clutching a carrier bag, and Cheryl ask how old she is. "36" is the reply, but it sounds a bit like "76", prompting Cheryl to ask her to repeat herself, and then to explain exactly what she thought she'd said, which does kind of sound a bit rude. She doesn't look "76", so y'know, a polite person might have worked out what she'd actually said in their own heads and left the matter at that. [OH! I actually thought she was 76. Even when she repeated it. This programme is making me stupider. - Carrie] In the bag is a present for Louis, because Carla works in a kilt shop, so she's brought Louis a tie that goes with his clan, apparently. She'd like to be as big as Madonna, and explains this while Dannii puts the tie on Louis. Her singing of 'If You Don't Know Me By Now' is tuneless. Is this week's editor new or something? Surely the formula for this show is that the "everyone's been shit so far" voiceover is followed by someone good, who then triggers, as if by magic, a sudden run of good auditions. I feel like my entire world has been shaken by this turn of events. Meanwhile, in the time it has taken me to type all of that, Carla is STILL SINGING. That's what's wrong with this format, right there. By all means show some terrible auditions and laugh at people (I don't enjoy it, but I'm aware I'm in the minority there), but for the love of God, don't devote the entire show to it. Carla is STILL SINGING, by the way. Cheryl looks suicidal. I know how she feels. The crowd bursts out laughing when she adds her own backing vocals into the chorus (you know, the whole "IF you don't know me" bit), and Simon asks her how she thought it went, and Carla replies that the crowd seemed to be liking it, which is entirely true (even if they were liking it for slightly uncharitable reasons), and another reason why this format change is a dreadful, dreadful, idiotic idea, because it completely destroys the audition dynamic. Anyway, Carla is finally dismissed. Louis votes no even though she gave him a tie, which now means I respect him more than I respect Cheryl, and that makes me taste sick in my mouth a little bit.

Sad piano! What does this mean? Our next auditionee is 21-year-old Rikki Loney, a full-time singer who does the clubs and that, but wants to be on a bigger stage. Dermot's voiceover reminds us that we first met Rikki last year, at which point I go "oh yeah", because I'd completely forgotten about him. [Did we hate him last year? I seem to hate him and I'm not sure why - Rad] He was also a "can this person be the one to change the sucky auditions into good ones?" contestant last year, by the way. His sob story was that his parents didn't support him and that he kept cocking up his auditions, and then he got cut at boot camp, as you do. Rikki says it took him three or four months to recover from last time, but he wants it so much. Oh, well, that's all right then. He hasn't even told his mum, WHO IS UNSUPPORTIVE, that he is here today. That's how nervous he is, folks. Oh, and he's still wearing stupid hats, in case anyone was wondering. On stage, Rikki tells the judges that he's grown in confidence, and he wants to prove he can go the whole way this time. Oh, apparently his mum is in the audience, [with a camera on her - Carrie] but didn't know he was auditioning? Oh, what a load of old shit. Anyway, Simon wishes him luck. Rikki sings 'These Arms Of Mine' by Otis Redding (thanks, Google!), and has quite a nice voice, but really needs to work on what he does with himself on stage, because that strange marching-on-the-spot thing is just weird. His pitch is a little ropey too, though he does seem to be able to get himself back on fairly quickly when he goes off. 'Chasing Cars' cues up on the soundtrack, so I think we all know how this is going to end up. Louis loves his determination, Dannii thinks his mum is going to be really proud, Cheryl thinks he's brave to come back, Simon thinks they made a mistake turning him away last year, but still thinks he can perform better than he did in this audition. It's four yeses. I'm surprised we haven't had more of a resurgence of "returners" this year, actually, given what happened with Alexandra. Rikki is reunited with his mum [on stage, but she didn't know he was auditioning, right - Carrie], and it is intended to be heartwarming, I understand.

After the break, we're "back" in London. Dannii does a little dance as she gets out of the car. The "first" in to see the judges is someone who's been holding onto his dream for longer than most - which normally I would dispute, but since this guy is 82, maybe Dermot actually has a point this time. William Hooper is very excited about meeting the judges. He tells the cameras that winning the competition would be the answer to his prayers. Hey, Vera Lynn's number one in the album charts this week - anything can happen, right? William tells Simon that he's here because it's his last chance. That feels awfully morbid, suddenly. In the second of tonight's outbursts of totally unwarranted rudeness, Simon asks William "where will you be in seven - no, actually, I'll shorten that" and gets booed by the audience, rightly so. William will be singing 'Come Fly With Me'. He sings in that old-person way which is lovely if they sing at a family reunion, but it's not really chart-quality, if I'm honest. Louis calls him "a born entertainer", and hopes he looks like him when he's 82. There's a good chance, Louis - you look quite like him now. Dannii thinks he's got the X factor. Cheryl enjoyed his audition. Simon likes William, but wasn't crazy about his singing voice. [If he'd sung 'Mack The Knife', he'd have been straight through. - Carrie] [Heh. I was thinking exactly the same thing - Rad] "Simon, he's 82!" Louis thepoorboysblinds. Simon correctly asserts that this is immaterial. They vote - yeses from everyone except Simon, so the lovely old man is through to boot camp. Simon calls the other judges soppy. He is correct. [But also: every single bloody year there's an old person everyone except Simon puts through. In fact every single moment of this episode was X-Factor by numbers - Rad]

17-year-old Lydia Kabasele sings 'Saving All My Love For You', sounding kind of scratchy in places, but definitely has potential. She's through. [Although I didn't get the 'ZOMG! You're only 17 and you're singing Whitney' thing. Wasn't Whitney really young at that stage in her career anyway? - Rad] Also 17 years old, Alistair Nwachukwu sings 'The Way You Make Me Feel' acapella and gets through. Girl group The Secrets sings 'Black And Gold', sounding okay. They're through too! [I can only remember seeing girl groups - mostly girl trios - getting through this series - Rad] Heshima Thompson (22, musician) wants to represent for the boys because the girls have been dominating, and sings 'Breakeven' by The Script. Guess what? Yep, he's through.

Next up is 18-year-old Shanna Goodhead (hee). The judges have all changed their outfits by the way, continuity fans. She wants to sing to help her family. Drink! Leona's cover of 'Run' starts playing, and here comes the sob story: she lives in a council house and shares a room with two of her four sisters. Yeah, but do you share a bed with one of them? Otherwise, no dice. She wants to escape this lifestyle and give her little sister something better. Now we're back to the present, and she's singing Eva Cassidy's cover of Fleetwood Mac's 'Songbird'. I don't really like all the melisma she puts into it, because her voice isn't really powerful enough to get away with it, and it just seems to be hiding the fact that she's not really up to this song. Either way, she's going through, of course, and the crowd are going nuts. Dannii wants her to know how good she is, and Louis thinks she has amazing potential. Cheryl thinks she's a natural raw talent, and Simon is concerned about her self-belief, for which he gets inexplicably booed. Four yeses for Shanna and the tracks of her tears, and then some adverts. [Gah. I am as sick of the young black/mixed race girl who lives in a council house trope as I am of the comedy foreigner, token pensioner and dead relative ones. Every series. - Rad]

Afterwards, we're in Birmingham. 16-year-old Amordeep Ghataura likes guinea pigs, and then eviscerates Britney's cover of 'I Love Rock 'n' Roll'. She doesn't go through. David Francis (45, classroom assistant, should know better) fails at the only decent Katy Perry song. Hey, at least the seats in Birmingham look comfortable. Michael Pottenger (34, part-time therapist) sings 'If I Could Turn Back Time' and is rubbish, but still doesn't manage to kill my burning desire for there to be a Cher week on this show. The only amusing part of this is how pained Cheryl looks throughout. Abraham Akpoyibo (25, student) says that singing is his lifelong ambition. It will have to stay that way, sadly.

17-year-old student Demi Cullen is next, and has been singing since she was four. She's very excitable. She doesn't want to do a nine-to-five job, she wants to sing. This programme means the whole world to her. I worry about where this is going. She's really sweet when she talks to Cheryl on stage, and will be singing 'Saving All My Love For You'. Simon wishes her good luck, and Cheryl gives her an encouraging smile. She sings, and I still can't tell if this is a good audition or not. Her phrasing is weird and some of the notes are iffy, but she does appear to be able to sing to some extent. Dannii tells her that she's very cute. Demi says, "I don't want to get through because I'm cute, I want you to tell me that I'm good as well." Hahaha! [This made me uncomfortable simply because Demi was obviously expecting to go through at this stage. - Carrie] Louis says if it were a personality contest, she'd get through, but her voice isn't good enough. Simon agrees. Demi says, "Okay", and then cries. God, this show is EVIL, sometimes. Louis keeps harping on about her great personality, like that's going to be any comfort to her, but then National Treasure Cheryl Cole gets up to give her a hug, of course. Whatever - they've put through people far worse than Demi before. "I thought you were good," Cheryl tells her. Demi doesn't go through, and collapses backstage. I bet you anything she comes back next year, though. Seriously, I don't think there's any wrong with her voice that a decent singing teacher couldn't fix. [I thought she was Boot Camp worthy, but maybe it was kinder to kick her out now as she'd never get past Boot Camp. She at least took it reasonably well, rather than having a big strop - Rad]

Adverts. I have something in my eye.

Apparently the yeses just keep coming at this point, which is a rather tasteless segue considering how we just left Demi. A girl group called Yellow Brick Road sing an excruciatingly harmonised rendition of 'Poker Face' and get through, somehow. Eliotte Williams-N'Dure (22, unemployed) sings 'How Come You Don't Call Me' and gets through. Jaide Green (23, part-time singer) sings 'Street Life', is also through. Wow, I'm so pleased we spent all that time on the terrible auditions at the top of the episode.

25-year-old Olly Murs from Essex is the last audition of the day. He sounds like Jeff Brazier (speaking, at least). We're supposed to think he's some kind of wideboy, I think. The judges have changed outfits once more, just to let you know. He sings 'Superstition', and is pretty good, I guess. Again, there's potential there, certainly. The dancing leaves a fair bit to be desired, mind. The crowd love it, at least. Cheryl loved everything about it, Dannii thinks he has the whole package, Simon really likes him and thinks he's very cool, and Louis calls him a natural performer. A clean sweep for Olly, including the easiest yes Simon's ever given (hasn't he said that about a hundred times by now?). Backstage, Olly is floored by the response from the judges, and some audience members talk to the camera about how much they liked him.

Next weekend: a double bill! Dear God, that's going to take some effort.

Vision of horror

Audition show 3 (only 3?! HOW?)
Tx: 5th September 2009

"The dream has always been the same!" says scary voiceover man. And we look back on those X-Factor winners who have fulfilled their dream - SHAYNE! LEONA! ALEXANDRA! Obviously no Brookstein, because he's burnt his bridges with Cowell, but I almost feel sorry for Leon, who's a big fat failure no matter how you try to spin it. "But this year! The bar has been raised!" I know it's their job to hyperbolise, but I have really not seen any act that has been good this year, rather than mediocre or good by comparison to the rest of the talent voids.

Anyway, obviously it's time to face the music. Titles!

Dermot welcomes us to "THE NORTH", which is Manchester. Police officers on horseback do the X thing. I am ashamed that my taxes pay their wages. There's a totally superfluous bit where we meet the judges, like we don't know who they are, but perhaps they're more interesting than the sacks of shite they're going to wheel out on stage today. Cheryl mocks Louis, though, which is always good for a laugh.

Barman Alan is twitchy, nervous and high-pitched, and has brought his mum along. This is not going to end well. He says what makes him different from everybody else is that he is better than them. He sings When The Going Gets Tough in a whiny voice. His dancing looks like a broken marionette puppet. He forgets the words. Everyone sings along. Simon does not. He rolls his eyes. Dannii says it looks like Alan was being electrocuted. It's four no votes, obviously. "Ah've never seen a rhythm like it," concludes Cheryl.

Oh, and apparently now we are around the country, rather than in THE GENERIC NORTH. Gurdip, a police admin officer, emulates a Pussycat Doll. Louis loves it, as much as he pretends he didn't. Tom Idelson sings falsetto to Kiss, and Louis loves that too. Steve Loczy performs 9 to 5 in the style of a drugged Billy Ray Cyrus. Ian's alias is "G W S - Guy With Style" and he picks U Can't Touch This as a suitable song to showcase his talent.

Time for a break already.

Ooh, it is BEAUTIFUL CARDIFF! You can tell because Charlotte Church is the music being played over Dermot's VO, and because the auditionees like Shirley Bassey and Tom Jones. Louis Walsh pretends that he has heard of and likes the Manic Street Preachers.

OH DEAR GOD. A trio called 2 Gorgeous 4 Words come on and do some gymnastic posing. They inform the judges that they were put together via auditions at college. "How many people auditioned?" asks Dannii. "About 12," comes the answer. They sing Let's Hear It For The Boy, miss out the second half of the first verse, and reach the chorus too soon. The look of abject horror on their faces is painful. When the judges tell them to jog on, their supporters backstage try a spot of bolshiness, but it's really quite unconvincing - "I don't care what they think, I think you're MARVELLOUS anyway." Well, perhaps, but you're not the one with a record contract on offer to them, are you?

Ashanti Webbe is a full-time mum (still object to that description) and she sings I'm Goin' Down to a hideously tinny backing track. I think there's a nice voice in there somewhere but it's not the big diva belt she's trying to emulate. Cheryl liked it, anyway, and so did Dannii, and Louis, and even though Simon is still wavering she gets four yeses altogether.

Daniel Williams plays rugby but thinks singing is more important "100 per cent". He sings Let It Be. He's quite decent, but then Simon voices my thought - "What type of record would this guy make?" Louis answers, "Middle of the road, Michael Ball, for mammies and daddies." Oh, fuck OFF, Walsh. I hate the way he can take the name of one of the FINEST SINGERS IN THE COUNTRY and make it sound like an insult, even if he is trying to argue that Daniel is good. Anyway, four yeses.

Randoms talk about the importance of the opportunity they are being offered. Simon PTCs that people need to take advantage of the opportunity they are being offered. One girl, who looks a bit like she's trying to channel Gabriella at the end of High School Musical 2, is from a small village in Wales (where all her friends ARE DEAD? No? Sorry, wrong series), and gets plinky-plonky piano music of meaningfulness as she takes her audition number from the desk people. Lucie's sob story seems to be that her village IS SMALL. It has a school and a village hall and some sheep, and that's about it. This is the worst narrative ever.

She's going to sing the single-noted dirge that is Whitney's version of I Will Always Love You. We have the obligatory delay while the man with the mixing desk puts the right CD in the slot. Her voice is quite pretty, but there's something about it that makes me think she'd have been better doing the Dolly version, with a more country feel. [I thought that too. I realise this is a slightly pointless comment since all I'm doing is agreeing with you, but she was one of the very few people I actually had anything to say about one way or the other because this series has been SHIT so far. - Steve] She sings with her head tilted, looking away from the audience - a bit like a singing Princess Di. Cheryl loves the vulnerability "because it makes me think that you don't realise how amazing you are." Yeah RIGHT. Louis tells her she was born to sing. Simon likes her. Four yeses. Cheryl wanders backstage to give her a hug.

Ads!

Back at the auditions, there is a crazy man with a goatee beard; a scary lady who screeches; the same crazy man singing a song about a lonely llama. What? I am sad for chef Gareth Evans who wants to change his life because he dislikes all of it. Can someone get him some CBT? [Sure, if you think learning to ride a motorcycle will help... - Steve, A Fan Of Hilarious Misunderstandings] The crazy man sings a song about shepherds' pie, and Simon pretends it wasn't all a total set-up.

Lloyd Daniels has only ever sung karaoke and performed at school shows. But he has pop star bleached blond hair and gets a manly hug from Dermot, so I think we can be sure he'll do well. He's not that comfortable on stage while he waits for the introduction to his song (a Jason Mraz one), and when he sings it's perfectly melodic, but the judges do some fakery and pretend they don't like what they're hearing. Seriously, Cowell, you did this fake-out with Shaheen Jafargholi on BGT, and it was unconvincing then. [I thought he was SHIT, so I was totally with them at this point. - Steve] Anyway, Lloyd sings acapella, and then they all beam at him. Everyone cheers. Lloyd smiles. Four yeses. [He was no better the second time either. If he gets past boot camp, I suspect he may become my nemesis. - Steve]

Combined Effort consists of the notorious couple who were once engaged and have now broken up. Three days prior to the audition. The audience laugh. And oh my fuck this is the most uncomfortable piece of viewing I have ever seen. Oh it's dreadful. They make them VT about the reasons for their break-up. And then Simon grills them both on stage about it. Jack says he ended it. The audience boo. Oh oh oh it's horrid. They both reckon they are still friends. Simon appreciates this because he is always friends with his exes (actually that's one of the main reasons I love him). Anyway, they are singing Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Jack forgets the words, Kirsty can't reach the high notes, they hold hands and it's just terrible. Simon smiles, as if the power of his smile can mend the awful inappropriateness of this song or their broken relationship. Then all four judges try and get them back together again, and they cry. Jack does a really unconvincing plea to Kirsty to give him another chance. Everyone applauds. They kiss in the booth of bitterness. I hate this show.

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Jade is doing her A-levels and taught herself to sing; her friends and family tell Dermot she is AMAZING. She sings And I'm Telling You... acapella. Dermot looks a bit misty-eyed. She could be good with a bit of training, I think; this performance is based entirely on Jennifer Hudson's, obviously, so you can't really tell what she'd be able to do with another song. In fact, they then play Hudson's version over the judges' comments, and the gulf between the vocal capacities (at the moment) is made very very plain. Regardless, four yeses. Jade has a lovely smile.

Lots of randoms come to the UK just to audition for The X Factor, as we've seen over the previous fortnight, and this makes me very sad as well. Catering assistant Fouad moved here from France six months ago to follow in the footsteps of his idol Mariah Carey (srsly). He sings Vision of Love, and he is clearly not at all serious about this - he gurns his way through it, mocking all of Carey's affectations, and is evidently trying not to laugh. They ask him for his next song, and he says, "Hero." The audience whoop, because they are morons, and Fouad plays up to them. The judges laugh into their mugs of water. Simon goes a funny puce colour. If Sharon was here, Fouad would be going through on the basis that he is "entertaining" and "foreign". Just sayin'.

Have we seriously just spent ten minutes on a comedy contestant? Why, yes, I think we have. Next week! More terrible auditions! Simon snogging randoms! A dog! Join us then! [Apparently this show is going to the dogs in more ways than one. Oh fuck, I'm down to recap next week, aren't I? Christ on a cracker. - Steve]

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Last week! The X Factor returned with ALL! NEW! auditions in front of an audience. A whole nation thought this change was rubbish! But it's too late to change that now, so onwards we go...

Dermot standing on a podium tells us 'we're still on a quest for the best'. OK, kill me now. We're in Birmingham and there are a LOT of people here. Apparently it made the front page of one of the local papers (which I presume it always does), so they spin that as a big deal for a few moments.

We get some random footage of traffic jams for no reason, then we see the crew setting up, and the first of many shots of a soundman's fingers on the button, as we are reminded that this year there is a BIG CHANGE. There is the usual judges' blah, and Louis says 'every year we wanna find a bigger star than the year before'. Um, OK.

Onto today's first auditionee. 'It's Raining Men' is playing. He's wearing two-tone double denim. He's called Alan. He's 50. He has a big white beard, a cap and a shoulder bag slung across his chest. He sings karaoke. Can you guess where this is going?

Simon asks him where he lives and keeps prodding him for more until the guy gives him actual directions to get there. Simon does a trademark eyeroll. The audience have cue cards marked 'laugh a lot' held up in front of them and it's all so far, so ridiculous. Gah, I hate the audience enough in the live shows, I don't think I can cope with them for all these weeks of auditions as well. He's singing 'No Matter What' in order to get those maximum Louis Walsh points. The backing track starts and... he stands there looking at his watch. I'm guessing he's rehearsed to the CD at home so knows what time he's supposed to come in and hasn't actually thought what it would sound like with a band, but never mind the specifics, feel the comedy LULZ as he forgets to come in! He goes again and is just as bad and Simon says they can't really give him cue cards for the live shows and Alan says 'aw, I see your point, I guess not' and is actually quite gracious about it, really.

Montage of comedy people being 'wacky' in the waiting room.

A woman from Hungary (whose name I don't get because my signal blips) and loves England is up next. We see Dannii and Cheryl's confused faces so we know this is our cue to welcome a comedy foreign accented performance! She sings Shakira's 'Underneath Your Clothes' and it's as bad as you would expect. Simon and Cheryl ham up having giggles for the camera.

Beyonce's 'Crazy in Love' backs up some more people who are, you know, crazy.

A big truck driver guy, Andrew, blathers about having angels on his side and squeaks out 'A Little Respect', which is at least better than going down the obvious Sarah McLachlan/Robbie Williams route. A group of hippies called 'Children of the Earth' chant (and I strongly suspect they are here to take the piss but you never can tell). Simon and Louis pull faces.

Louis VTs that they've never had a winner from Birmingham and they're not going to have a winner this year.

But what's this I can see coming round the corner? Is it someone great who will turn the day around?

Erm, no, actually. It's a skinny bloke called Simon who looks very nervous and has family backstage. He asks 'can I sing 'On Top of the World' for you?' and Simon says 'do you have to?' And Simon goes 'yes please' in a way that kind of makes me want to give him a big hug and pull him off the stage as fast as possible before the inevitable happens. Apparently he's 30 - but looks a good five or six years older. The years, they have not been kind - unlike the judges, actually, who give him the no verdict in a very straightforward and not-at-all harsh manner. Well, well.

The judges carp some more about how rubbish Birmingham is and Cowell tells us it has a 'yellow card warning' - but apparently it's not as bad as Yorkshire seeing as the bad auditions in Sheffield and Leeds quickly got them struck off the rota. [

Ads. That 'Back to the 90s' dance album with Corona, 2Unlimited etc on which would make an amazing theme week please ta.

The auditions have "now" "moved" to London and Lady GaGa implores us to dance. But hark! What is this musical cue I hear? Why it's Electric Six's 'Danger! High Voltage! and we have a man all in leather! His name is Behrouz and he looks very much like Chico with better hair. [Ha, is the line I took over at the esteemed Grauniad last night. - Carrie] He wants to be 'the sun, because there is only one sun'. Heh. [OH. I was hearing it as "son" and thinking he was, like, the Son of God or something. - Carrie] Louis asks 'what age are you?' and he says 29, and my word, the men on this show are not in the least bit well-preserved. He's from Persia (isn't that Iran? Or am I being geographically/politically thick?). He's doing 'Take Your Mama' and starts with an 'oh-wo-wo-wo' waily bit. The editors pull out the usual 'judges r teh shocked!' stock faces from their archive, and can I just point out Dannii is working a dark brown bob-type haircut which looks very nice. Well done, madam. He struts about and is very showy and Chico-y and it isn't as out of tune as some but it's still completely cabaret. He gender-changes some of the words though, which is always wrong. The audience love him, but I'm not surprised - he's probably the most entertaining person they've seen all day. Now here is where we should see the judges tell him he's very entertaining but he's not right for the next stage. If Mrs O was here, of course, she'd not only put him through to Boot Camp, she'd take him to the bloody finals. Anyway, Louis, Dannii and Cheryl all say yes, and this will not be the last time we see this happen tonight. Whoops, spoiler.

Montage of the judges changing outfits every five seconds and everyone apart from Simon losing their marbles and putting through some truly sub-standard acts who are clearly Day One of Boot Camp fodder, so even though them getting through annoyed me, they won't be here long enough for it to really matter, so let's move along. (I do hate how this section is supposed to make us be all 'boo! Simon!' though when it's clear that none of these people are in any way talented, so it just made me hate the other three instead. Clearly they just had quotas to make up.) [Reason number 46892 why the live auditions are a bad idea: it just encourages the likes of Cheryl "National Treasure" Cole and Louis "No Fucking Clue" to play to the crowd and put shit people through. I'd expect better of Dannii, so I'll just assume she was drunk. - Steve]

Our next auditionee is a smiley 21-year old from Trinidad and Tobago, called Rozelle, and she used to watch the show on YouTube over there. Hello ITV/Syco lawyers, are they alowed to say such things on telly? [I dunno - if the show isn't being shown on any network over there and there are no plans to do so, then technically she's not robbing anyone of their advertising revenue by doing so? I'm not sure it'd stand up in court, but that's how I look at these things. Besides, this show's far too in love with its own overinflated reputation that they're probably just thrilled people in Trinidad and Tobago want to watch it in the first place. - Steve] She's doing it for her grandma, apparently, who isn't dead, which is a bit rubbish, but at least lives OVERSEAS. She has the cutest, biggest smile ever, and beams as she comes on stage. Awww. CUE MIXING DESK SHOTS! She's singing 'One Night Only' by Jennifer Hudson, which is who she looks quite a bit like. The judges already love her. As if we were expecting anything else, she's very good, and there's this really cute bit at the start where the audience start cheering her and she beams and blushes without losing the thread of the song. The audience go mental which is annoying when you want to hear her sing. Anyway, she blubs a bit and we get 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' on the soundtrack as usual.

The judges try to speak but the audience are too damn loud, which is bad enough in the finals. The audience = haaate. Anyway, Louis gets in an obligatory 'you're what this show is all about' and an 'a million percent yes'. Dannii goes for 'you give me goosebumps' and Cheryl opts for the boring 'definitely yes' so automatically falls behind on the war of the cliche. Simon talks about her making her grandma proud and she's very excited. [Um. She's really not THAT good. She's decent, but her voice veers between a proper belt and a yodel. American Idol wouldn't put up with this shit. - Carrie] [Agreed. I thought she was a bit iffy, tune-wise, in places, but she was at least one of the standouts in a pretty dreadful episode.. - Steve]

Ads. Is Wii Sports Resort any good?

Welcome back, where the judges are all 'waiting for one thing' and wouldn't you just know it? They're moaning about the groups (or as Cheryl calls them, the bands - oh Cheryl, if they actually let bands with instruments and suchlike in, they might stand a chance, but anyway).

Meet... The Stunners. Cue shot of a felt-tipped pen sign, that record-abruptly-stopping sound-effect and a close-up on two girls' grey jumpers. The camera pans out to reveal two very, very normal looking fairly young girls, Lisa and Zoe, and this is all just so horribly distasteful. I mean, the band name choice wasn't inspired, I grant you, but they're hardly hideous - just average. They tell us they're called The Stunners because they're beautiful and I really, really hope they have a great sense of humour.

When Louis asks their name, there's a predictable deadpan 'oh'. Simon asks who they want to be like. One of them says Whitney and Mariah, the other Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera. Simon says they're not short on ambition. Unsurprisingly, they are short on talent. Simon says some nonsense about he can understand how they found each other as it's hard to find someone as bad as you (?). They provide us with an obligatory storm-off and giving-the-finger moment.

Some guys who work on a checkout (which always=fail) can't sing 'Reach'. Montage of bad groups - mostly duos. Have these people learned nothing from the last five series? One boy blames his singing partner for living in Ireland. Heh.

Guess what, everyone, the groups aren't measuring up. But lo, here are a group that have come to save the day, and to prove the point, 'About You Now' plays in the background. Meet girl group Misfits - starring Gemma/Jemma who apparently got to Simon's judges' house category in 1996 [Um, what? - Carrie] although I don't really remember her. She has a cute cropped hairdo now and Simon says 'you were on the show before, yeah?' She says yes, in Leona's year. Simon says 'unlucky for you'.

They're going to sing a Britney song 'with a twist' (and they're actually called Miss Fitz. I'm not sure about the name yet). They sing 'Toxic' in a cod-swing arrangement and I hate those arrangements - surely, surely they've been done to death now? That said, it works fine and they look and sound pretty good - like the Sugababes on a good single day. Cheryl declares them her favourite girl band (ever? What about Girls Aloud?). Simon likes them because they didn't do a Girls Aloud/Sugababes/Spice Girls song ('which is so pointless'). Needless to say, they're through. They go through the back and hug each other and Dermot looks all woobie-like when they ignore him, and demands he joins in. Aww. By the way, a fierce middle-aged women duo also got through and were fabulous, but I think that must have been on The Xtra Factor as it wasn't on the repeat. Anyway, I loved them.

Ad bumper - some competition to identify the song some people are singing, which we all know as 'Hero' because they released that song on this very same show last year and rammed soldier grief porn down our throats, as if we have forgotten.

Welcome back to London - although I don't recall us leaving. The judges are hopeful, so here comes along Daryl who's about 45ish (but is apparently 40. Seriously, what is WITH the men on this thing tonight?) and dreams of performing in front of an audience. He comes on stage and tells us he was going to audition last year, but it was his brother's wedding... and then his brother died. Cue the piano music of tragedy. Daryl promised his brother he'd look after his boy, although I assume this doesn't mean become his sole carer, even though the show is spinning it that way. I could be wrong. It was about time we had someone with a sibling WHO IS DEAD, though I'm still holding out for a dead child next series for the ultimate grief porn experience.

He sings 'I Don't Wanna Talk About It', which is essentially the go-to record for men in the over 25s category, and should therefore be banned from the list of options. He sounds like Steve Brookstein and is perfectly boot camp passable, but because he has a brother WHO IS DEAD, we'll see him in the top 12, with Danyl, which could be confusing. Dannii says some people go on stage and give us good sob story everyone's for them. Louis said he thought he'd be bad because he was nervous, but he loved his voice. Cheryl just about manages to make herself cry. And as he is tonight's anointed, he gets Leona as his exit music. Cue the audience going ballistic and the stage manager shoving his (very cute) nephew on to give him a hug. Even Louis pretends to get in on the crying act.

Daryl seems like a nice bloke, his nephew is gorgeous and having your brother die in his 30s like that is a horrible, horrible thing to experience, but even so, this show has just automatically made me hate him. Sorry Daryl, it's not personal. (NB This is the second time I've watched this and I got really excited when Daryl came on because the sob story always = the end of the show, even though I saw it last night, so I should have remembered there was more of this to come. Bah.)

Montage of over 25s who say it's their last chance.

Here comes 33 year old Jamie from London, who has a ridiculously big afro and a terrible brown leather jacket. I hate him already. Montage of over-25s getting the no vote. U2's 'One' plays as Jamie gives us all the 'now or never' cliches. His name is Jamie Archer, but everyone knows him as Jamie Afro. *Sigh*. Simon asks why it hasn't worked out and he says because he's a musician, not a businessman and doesn't know how to make it (Simon could suggest he did his research, but whatever). He's singing 'Sex on Fire' and, damn it, he's good. It's a refreshing change to hear a song like this amongst the usual schlock - recent, upbeat, rocky - especially when it's done well. Damn him, damn him to hell. That said, he isn't as good as he thinks he is (hello Ashley and Tabby) but he's still a shoo-in for judges' houses at least - possibly not the finals, as Daryl and Danyl are already in the running and we haven't had any good women over 25 yet. The crowd get really excited. He then gives a tedious Freddie Mercury pose because he thinks the song's over when it isn't. Ha. Then it ends and he does the same pose. So, I'm torn with this one. He sang pretty well (better than Daryl/Danyl anyway, both of whom I've decided to hate already), he chose a great song, but he's a cock. Probably perfect rock star material, then. X Factor winner material? Notsomuch.

The judges love him, and Louis calls him James. Hahahahahaha. [So did Simon. I'm assuming that's what was on his original audition form. - Steve]

Louis gives him 150% yes, which is much less than the million percent he gave Daryl and Rozelle. Simon gives him 'two and a half thousand yeses' (um?). Cheryl, as throughout the show, refuses to play in the game of ridiculous percentages and just says yes, and as much as I wasn't keen on her in series one, if she continues to act this way, I'll approve.

Next week: everyone sucks, apparently. Oh, and a couple who've split up go on stage to sing together, which could be interesting.

Know your audience

Series 6: Audition Show 1
TX date: 22nd August 2009

Good lord, can it really be that time again? Well, yes: after a week of hearing Radio 1 go on about it all the livelong day (hey, that Laura White! Everyone thought she was going to win, and then she didn't! Madness! And that Diana Vickers - wow, was she ever kooky!) I can believe it all too easily. Rest assured, the Bitch Factor team will be here once more to guide you through the scant highs and frequent lows of the forthcoming series - we feel your pain because it is our pain too.

You may have read in the papers that the audition format has changed this year, to a Britain's Got Talent ripoff realistic audition environment in front of an arena-sized crowd. To reflect this, The Bitch Factor will now be blogging in front of a live audience, so if you hear an awful lot of kneejerk booing or cheering, that's what it'll be.

Right, to business then. Roll on series six!

(This year's sponsor is TalkTalk, just in case anyone was curious.)

To reinforce that Things Are Going To Be Different This Year, we don't start with an ominous blast of 'O Fortuna' or a shot of crowds waiting to audition; no, we begin with a shot of some clouds. No, really. Then we have an elegy to the X Factor audition room as it was; over the past five years, it's seen 'em all. Which is more than the judges can say. We are "treated" to shots of auditionees, some good, mostly bad (and some sort of in the middle - I'm not quite sure which camp they want us to put Chico in, but let's face it, he was all Sharon Osbourne's fault and she's been consigned to history, and all is right with the world). But it's all just got bigger!

It's an audition revolution, apparently, despite this being pretty much exactly the same set-up as a certain other Cowell-fuelled talent search, but then regular readers will not exactly be surprised to learn that "shameless rip-off" and "blast of originality" are not so far apart in the X Factor universe. Just ask Austin. This time, we are assured, there is nowhere to hide. Except of course in the ever-reliable embrace of Dermot afterwards. This year's intro footage chooses to emphasise the fact that the winner will be signed to the same record label as some of the planet's biggest stars. These include: Leona Lewis, Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and several other people who flashed past too quickly for me to see, and since this is a 90-minute show, I'm not going back to watch it in slo-mo. You can fill in the gaps yourself, surely?

And of course, there are judges! A lady kisses Simon, Cheryl will cry, Louis will wear aviators, Cheryl will be from The North [Or rather the North-East, which is a whole different beast, both in reality and in TV stereotype land - Rad], Dannii might get some screentime at some point. It is time to face the music, or whatever passes for it on this show. Cue titles!

The Black Eyed Peas' 'I Gotta Feeling' accompanies shots of the sun rising, and the X Factor bus going on a long journey, just like Leon Jackson's recording career didn't. We're at The O2 in London, and Dermot (looking bluescreened again) tells us that we didn't think it could get any bigger. Somehow I doubt many of us gave that much thought to the matter, to be honest. I know I didn't. "Record numbers" of auditionees have descended on the capital, and many of them need psychiatric help. Plus ça change. Dermot dispenses with the formalities of how the auditions take place in front of a terrifyingly large crowd now, and it's on with the show.

A ridiculous amount of bombast accompanies their arrival, of course. Simon duhs that it's going to be "a much tougher audition process". Last year's winning mentor Cheryl is feeling very excited about this series. Cheryl tells us that Alexandra is recording an album. So was Leon this time last year, and look how that turned out. Louis is milking the success of JLS for all it's worth. Botox-free Dannii says that the bar has been raised this year, and the auditionees must show us what kind of artist they are going to be. Dermot tells us via voiceover that eventually the judges will each mentor a category (and the specific details of who gets which category have already leaked, apparently, so there's not really any need to be coy) but for now, they're working together. Allegedly.

The auditions begin...after the break. Of course. Let's not spoil the first seven minutes of the show with actual content or anything. [Boo! Hiss! - The Audience] [And this reminded me just why this show is umpteen million percent less annoying when you record it instead of watching it 'live' - Rad]

Back from the break, Dermot reminds us of all the stuff we were told in all those previous minutes of filler, referring to it as a "surprise" awaiting the contestants. Especially the ones in Glasgow, who'll have to do it all over again.

The first auditionees, whose dismal failure has been previewed just about everywhere you care to look this week, are the Dreamgirls, Rosita (sp?) and Viola, who are sisters and part-time models. They have moved here from Lithuania because of this show. Seriously. I wonder if the BNP knows this sort of thing is going on.

They stride out onto the stage. Louis asks them what they do for a living, and they repeat everything we've just heard. A piano plays the intro to 'Angels', and the girls sing. Tunelessly. Obligatory cut to Simon looking like he wasn't expecting this even though he clearly was. If you need a description of what they sound like, a good comparison would be the kid in Overboard who thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman. Cheryl plays with her hair. Dannii smothers a giggle behind the giant ring adorning her finger. Eventually Simon stops the audition. He tells them that they are attractive, young and brave, and that they suck. Cheryl tells them to stick to modelling. Dannii thinks the judges are hearing something different from what the girls are hearing. Louis basically just repeats what Cheryl and Dannii said in slightly different words. It's a no for the Dreamgirls. Dermot asks them what they will do now. "Life will show us," replies one of them, enigmatically. Cut back to the judges, with Louis saying they're the worst the panel has ever heard. [Woo! - An Audience Member Who's Had Too Much To Drink And It's Not Even Half Past Eleven Yet] Not even close, sir. Not even close.

You'll never guess what: this heralds a string of unsuccessful auditions! Plasterer Luke Bailey squeaks his way through 'Apologise'. Alison Collim (17, Sales assistant) is defeated by 'Beautiful', but her mum loves her. Several people are so bad, we don't even get told their names. Steve Calliegari (54, factory worker) is such an obviously deliberate bad audition that I shan't waste any more time on him.

The next contestant we'll actually get to spend some time with is 19-year-old Stacey Solomon from Dagenham. She's bought her cute son Zachary with her, who insists on offering crisps to Dermot and the camera crew. [Awwwwwwww! - The Audience] She sings all around the house, and hopes to be successful so she can support her family. Oh god, am I really going to be forced to break out the "get a stable job, then" argument again? Every fucking year. She has a bit of cute banter with Simon when she gets on stage, and then she sings 'What A Wonderful World'. I'm not crazy about the arrangement and parts of her vocal are a bit strained, but it does suggest she's got some raw talent that needs a bit of honing. The audience go nuts for her, and eventually Simon stops the audition. Cheryl: "I don't know why I had a preconceived idea, but I didn't expect it to be that good." Stacey sensibly only recognises the compliment in this, and not the backhand. Louis agrees with Cheryl. Dannii thought it was great, and Simon was taken by surprise. It's four yeses for Stacey, and she's through. Backstage, Dermot says that it's big news for Stacey and her family, and with an impeccable sense of timing, Zachary yawns. Hee.

Back from the break, and we're suddenly in Manchester. People are excited. There's a short comic sequence of Simon being driven around the corner from the hotel to the venue and pretending to be embarrassed about it. An unnamed three-piece girlband get through, as does a smiley young man. I assume we're not likely to see much more of either of them. Katy Bullock (17, student) sings Pixie Lott's 'Mama Do' while wearing motorcycle gear, because she also rides motorbikes. Fair enough then. She's through. An uspecified three-piece manband get through, as does a guy with a shaved head. Somebody called Lewis (which I discern from the many "Lewis has got the X Factor" t-shirts on the people supporting him backstage) gets through.

Oh God. Oh God. The next contestant is 19-year-old Emma, who auditioned in series four and was made to be a laughing stock on national television, and then came back to add insult to injury in that year's final, and apparently that still wasn't enough. Oh, it gets better - she's bought her sister Samantha, and they're entering as a duo called Sister Act. At this point I hate pretty much everything about television for leading to this turn of events. [Hahahahaha! Deluded fatties! Brilliant! - The Audience, Who Can't Get Enough Of This Shit And Are Determined To Overrule Me] Apparently they were evicted when Emma kept singing outside at 3am, and have had to live in the car with a cat, a dog and a bird. Now there's a road movie waiting to happen!

Their entrance is massively staged, of course: Simon is talking to Cheryl as they walk on just so he can be not looking at the stage in order to have that moment where he does look at the stage and recoils in horror. Simon asks Emma what's happened since they last saw her, and she repeats what we've just heard. Seriously - why must we be told everything twice? Samantha announces that they will sing 'Hero' by "Maya Carey". It's awful, of course. But at this point I've run out of sympathy, because after a certain extent people need to help themselves, y'know? [I agree, and I'm not normally a one for knee-jerk 'blame the parents'-ing, but in this case, when the family seem to always be in the press, magazines and on telly, the parents have a lot to answer for - Rad] Simon puts an end to proceedings and says that it was twice as worse as before. "You're not going to stop me!" Emma insists. Samantha thinks they should be given a chance to improve. "We have weeks, not decades," Simon replies. It's a no for Sister Act, of course. Dermot The Soulless Corporate Husk asks if Emma will come back and get a yes next year. "Probably," she says.

18-year-old Joe McElderry from South Shields is desperate to impress the judges. This marks him out from every other contestant...how, exactly? He found out he could sing on karaoke four years ago. His parents are very supportive, and his dream is to make them proud. He has a winning smile: if he makes finals, the girls will go nuts for him. He repeats the story we've just heard for Dannii's benefit, and Cheryl asks him where he's from because Lord knows this should all be about his accent [Cheryl is depressingly over-excited about his north-eastness - Carrie], and eventually he sings 'Dance With My Father', because his mum likes Luther Vandross. Incidentally, the shot of a finger sliding up a fader is this show's answer to the backstage hand pressing play on someone's backing tape. We will be seeing it A LOT. He's got a pretty good voice, and the crowd are eating out of his hand. Dannii thought the whole thing was great. Louis thinks the girls are going to love him. Cheryl is feeling very proud. Simon thinks he's potentially very good. It's three yeses, and a "wye-aye" from Cheryl. Joe exits to the strains of 'The World's Greatest', and I think the show might be overplaying its hand very slightly here.

After the break, we're in Glasgow (for the second time, though they don't say this). The show resurrects the running "gag" of Simon being part-Scottish and everyone else being all "yeah, whatever". Cheryl would like to see him in a kilt! I'd like to see how you look naked, Nick! Sigh.

Our first auditionee is 16-year-old Kyle Campbell, who has floppy hair, a massive scarf, and wants to be as big as Girls Aloud. He's Scotland's biggest Girls Aloud fan, he says. I don't see this ending well. On stage, he says that singing and acting are his life. Oh God, he's Mr. G. He tells Cheryl that he's here to see her. Then there follows a random bit where Louis asks if Kyle has any pets at home, and Kyle says that he just has his mum with him. Cue riotous laughter. Kyle does not understand why he was asked this question. Neither does Simon, and neither do I, but no one ever said this show had to make any sense. Kyle will be singing 'Untouchable' by Girls Aloud. Except Simon stops it before the intro's finished, and says that he's trying to help: "we don't like that Girls Aloud song - have you got any others?" Presumably songs that do not make the Top 10 are of no use to Senor Cowell. Kyle says that he picked the song because he liked it, which earns him a "woooo!" from Cheryl and the audience. [Wooo! - The Audience] Yes, that's what I just said. [This narrative device isn't really working out, is it? - The Audience] No, not really. [Shall we go, then? - The Audience] If you wouldn't mind. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Anyway, Kyle gets to sing 'Untouchable' as he originally wanted, and he does it in a terrible falsetto and gets booed, just as we all saw coming a mile away. It doesn't help that he's singing the lyrics according to the radio edit when his backing track is for the album version, but in all honesty that's the least of his problems. His mum looks concerned backstage, as well she might. [Cheryl is mouthing the lyrics along with him here, which is sweet. - Carrie] Simon finally brings the whole sorry thing to an end, and of course Cheryl's the one who has to deliver the verdict. She tells Kyle she really likes him and he has great taste in music. "But he's got no singing voice!" shouts Louis, at which point Simon tells him not to be rude and lays on the sugarcoating for Kyle, telling him he's funny and has a good attitude, and he should be a manager or an actor, something he's good at doing. And thank God for that, because I'm just not sure I could have sat through Kyle having his entire world shatter around him on ITV1 primetime. It goes to the vote, and Kyle gets three noes, and a yes from that stupid bint Cheryl because he sang one of her songs. And suddenly I remember why this show put me right off her.

Next up are 17-year-old identical twins John and Edward, who are collectively known as - wait for it - John And Edward. They're Irish, so of course Louis is going to love them. Their look is roughly what you'd get if you smooshed all three members of Busted together during the filming of the 'What I Go To School For' video. Dermot says he'll never be able to tell them apart, which sounds suspiciously like "and now I've said that, it means I don't even have to try" if you ask me. They practise in the toilets, and it sounds alarmingly like they are singing La Roux's 'In For The Kill'. Either that, or La Roux sings rather like a couple of amateur chancers attempting to tune up. Do not let the fact that I loathe everything about La Roux influence your reading of this particular scenario.

They walk out onto the stage and start vamping it up, which is quite funny. They introduce themselves, and after they say they're from Dublin, Cheryl pipes up, "It's a yes from Louis." Ha! Okay, I'll give her that one. Although given that in the course of this episode, which we are not yet two-thirds of the way into, she has already taken an obvious shine to someone who shares her accent and voted yes to someone who couldn't sing because he picked one of her songs. Send your letters of complaint regarding the throwing of stones to Cheryl Cole, The Glass House, Tyneside.

Simon asks them why they're talking in American accents, and one of them replies that that's just how they sound over a microphone. Interesting excuse, but I'm not convinced. Cheryl asks where they see themselves in 15 years' time, and the reply is "older". This goes on for quite a while, and they bypass "cute" and head directly for "obnoxious", and finally their backing track coems on: 'As Long As You Love Me' by Backstreet Boys. They keep shouting at the audience to join in if they know the words etc, and it would be helpful because John And Edward are not actually very good - they're in tune about half the time, but they're painfully off on several occasions and the whole thing smacks of substandard karaoke. Simon calls them "not very good and incredibly annoying". Cheryl finds them "intriguing", but she doesn't know if that's good or not. Louis thinks they look like pop stars, and thinks they've got something. Dannii thinks they're the cockiest singers she's ever met who didn't have a record contract yet. Louis interjects that they're cheeky rather than cocky. No: Stacey was cheeky, these guys are cocky. Unfortunately, Dannii likes them. It's a no from Simon, a yes from Dannii, a "go on, I'll give you a chance" from Cheryl, and obviously a yes from Louis (preceded by a "Louis? Drum roll" from Simon, which is pretty funny). After they leave, Simon declares that they're "everything [he] despise[s]". Lots more people from Glasgow get through in a montage, but we are not allowed to know who they are, except that a girlband is from the north-east, because Cheryl mentions it. Laura White (no, not that one - this one is a 26-year-old receptionist with a bottle-blonde crop) gets through singing 'I Will Always Love You', and Roy Robson (25, plasterer, almost certainly this year's Asbestos Andy) will also be going to boot camp, despite not being Louis's idea of what a popstar should look like (blond, wearing a blazer, and singing 'You Raise Me Up', according to Simon. And Dannii, it seems).

We're "back" in London, where contestants have been camping out overnight for the chance to audition. Fools! The judges are feeling positive about the prospects of talent in the nation's capital. We are introduced to Gemma, George and Maria, aka Triple Trouble, who consider purple polo shirts to be a good look, apparently. They are here to prove a point: they're not a rap group, and just because they wear tracksuits doesn't mean they are hoodlums. They're trouble in a good way, they assure us. Gemma tells the judges that teenagers have a bad reputation, and they want to prove that not all teenagers are the same. They are singing 'Umbrella' over the wrong part of the backing track, and badly. Simon stops them and asks them if they've all got colds. "That was kind of a racket," he tells them. "That's kind of rude, you know," George replies, kind of pouting whilst smiling at the same time. I'm not even sure if that's physically possible, but if it is, that's what he's doing. And then he blows that good start by delivering a lot of backchat and getting booed off by the audience. In the confessional booth, he tells Simon to sleep with one eye open. Point well and truly proven there, folks.

Cue montage of people being "rude" to the judges, although apparently "rude" and "incredulous" are the same thing on this show. One of them goes out of his way to be rude to Louis, which I approve of. Apparently identical floppy-haired duo Beyond Reason sing 'You Are Not Alone', not terribly, but with definite deviations from the recognised tune, and Louis says that he thinks they need people like this in the competition, which prompts a "people who sing out of tune?" from Simon, which in turn prompts a "shut your face, you horrible man!" from their nan backstage. It's a yes from Louis but noes from everyone else, and as always Simon's refusal appears to hold more weight than anyone else's because he is the one the nan is angry at. But she doesn't storm on stage to confront him, so we are spared that, at least.

The next auditionee is Duane Lamonte, who auditioned last year but was cut at boot camp, because some people just aren't as talented as Scott Bruton or Eoghan Quigg. He's determined to do this by any means necessary. That he is chums with Leona is not mentioned this year. Perhaps she forgot to send him a Christmas card. Cheryl pretends to remember him from last year; Simon pretends to have forgotten. Duane sings 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough', which the audience seem to enjoy. Simon asks Duane to sing something which makes him current. Some AC/DC, perhaps? Thank you! I'll be here all week! Duane struggles for an alternative, nervously suggesting 'Happy Birthday' (man, I hope it was the Altered Images one, but we'll never know). Dannii asks who he likes in the charts, and Duane says he likes Beyoncé and Usher, so it is decided that he will sing some Beyoncé for everyone - 'Broken-Hearted Girl', which I had never heard of, but thankfully Google never lets me down in these scenarios. Four yeses for Duane.

After the final break, we're back with Dermot in London and some more nightmare auditions. 30-year-old Domonique Bacheuen sings 'Always' by Bon Jovi, and let's just say he's no Ruth Lorenzo. "You just screamed at the audience, and nobody wants that," says Simon. David Moors (32, works in a pork pie factory) stares at the ceiling and sings terribly. Eguono Okiti (22, care assistant) is gorgeous, but her rendition of 'Without You' is dreadful. And then there's someone in a neon-blue gorilla costume, who causes Simon to snap. [I scan-read this first time and thought you mentioned someone doing a song by Snap! which I would have been gutted to miss, as that would be ace - Rad]

Conveniently, the very last contestant of the day is someone who deserves a piano intro to his VT! Do I smell a sob story coming up? They've been conspicuous by their absence so far. Danyl Johnson (27, teacher, kind of cute in a Will Young The Early Years sort of way) is very nervous. This audition means a lot to him. But not because his mother IS DEAD or anything. Hmm, perhaps there is no sob story here. Ah, wait - he just wants to make everyone proud at his school. He is a Bellowing Beverly, although hopefully somewhat more tuneful. The crowd are on his side as soon as he reveals that he's a teacher. He sings 'With A Little Help From My Friends' (Joe Cocker version) and kind of twitches a lot throughout, but in a cute enough way that I'm willing to overlook it. For now. Hey, I never said I wasn't shallow. I'm not sure I approve of the treble clef tattoo on his wrist, mind. He does a little bit of business with the mic during the instrumental breakdown which is obviously rehearsed, but delivered with just the right amount of awkwardness to make it work. Dannii calls it a perfect audition. Louis thinks the kids will be very proud. Cheryl thinks he's a natural performer and would pick him for her category right now. Simon calls it ("single-handedly", which: what?) the best first audition he's ever heard. It's a resounding yes for Danyl. Lots of audience members filing out at the end tell the cameras of their love for Danyl. Dermot's VO claims he was "on everyone's mind", which is not all that surprising if he actually was the last audition of the day. These people are probably stir-crazy, I doubt they can remember more than about two or three people back.

Coming soon: lots of people screaming! Someone being amazing! The easiest yes Simon's ever given! There's a joke to be made in there, but I'll leave that to you. See you next week!