Rough cop-out

Top Four Results – 8^th December 2013

Hello and welcome back to my last results recap of the series! I began my recap of LAST NIGHT by saying that this series was boring as ARSE and Steve rightly pointed out that this sullied the good name of arse so I have to sully a name that is already muck with all of us. This series has been as boring as BARLOW. You heard me. I went there. Oh yes, I totally went there. I say the unsayable. It’s like they let him be the boss or something. Anyway, I’ve heard rumours that this is his last series. Let’s hope he goes out on a high. (SPOILER ALERT – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA *breathes* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

So anyway, we begin with a serious looking Durrobot in a blue suit with a checked hankie and a SRS FASS telling us that one of the acts will get the boot before the final. So one act goes a week? I didn’t understand that before now, what a fool I’ve been.

LAST NIGHT the semi finals kicked off apparently? Really? I thought it was boring as Barlow. We see some bits of last night’s show which we watched last night but that doesn’t matter because they’re attempting to throw a stick into the spokes of the unstoppable Nicholas juggernaut because they seem to have decided that its Sambailey’s for the taking. Let’s see how subtle we are over the final weekend, eh? Anyway, it’s BOOBLAY’S IN THE FRIDGE and LEONA BARLOW on tonight. Nicole thinks it’s it. Louis is smugging over Nicole losing and Funsponge and Nicole argue over the pronunciation of huge. [Everyone knows the answer is "yooge". - Steve] IT’S TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC.

Apparently we’ve to welcome Dermot as our host. I think Durrbot needs to welcome himself and get some self respect, innit. He better check himself and I’m gonna allow it and various other street tings.  He reminds us that BOOBLAY’S IN THE FRIDGE and Leona are on tonight because it’s been 20 seconds since it was last mentioned. He remarks on the fact that the judges haven’t fought this series. That’s because it didn’t work last series. Louis is in black brocade. Sharon is in a black version of last night’s silver dress. Nicole is missing a skirt and Funsponge is in black velvet. The camera moves before we can see Nicole stumble into her seat again. NUMBERS!

So apparently the finalists love singing, so that’s what they’re going to do. They’re singing a too slow version of Signed, Sealed, Delivered. Tonight’s theme colour is blue. They make Rough Copy stand at the back whilst the other three stand in front of them. It’s almost as if they want to separate them from the rest. The camera is mainly on Sambailey. If I didn’t know that they were pushing her so hard now I would suspect that the person on camera had a bit of a crush on her. Anyway, Rough Copy do the legs for the mams but they’re probably doomed, even though they’re the only ones that can sing this with any conviction.

So we’ve not had any form of recap for a while, so Durrbot leads us into one. He takes the piss out of Funsponge’s technical talk and Louis’ obsession with seventeen. He also makes reference to Sharon’s backpack hate and Nicole’s Shiitake Mushrooms. But first, the story of last night. Luke enjoyed his performance and had fun. Sharon thinks he’s become a good entertainer. Nicholas wants to nail his next performance. Louis thinks he’ll come out fighting. Sambailey is glad she got through it without messing up the words. Rough Copy would rather go all out than half cocked. SECOND PERFORMANCE – Louis thinks Nicholas did indeed nail the second song, as did Nicholas. Luke has done everything he can and he’s hoping and praying to get into the final. Rough Copy think it’s all about the vocals, the passion and the moment and Sambailey tried to put her own spin on it and she’s glad they liked it. Funsponge thinks she’ll be hard to beat.

BUT IF THAT WASN’T EXCITING ENOUGH, HERE’S LEONA! She’s sold over 20 MILLION RECORDS and has been NUMBER ONE IN 30 COUNTRIES and is THE MOST SUCCESSFUL X FACTOR WINNER EVER. Yet, despite all this she is still as boring as BARLOW. [Although I do think she comes across as surprisingly fun in this interview. - Steve]Leona is singing a Christmas song and has let a five year old hyped up on Chupa Chups design her set. She’s got fairy wings behind her and a gigantic skirt that gives way to dancing trees and presents. The song is called One More Sleep and I wish I was making that up. It’s like some kind of Disney Princess fever dream. She’s blates had a nose job too. Oh Leona. WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU? Durrbot refers to the travesty as an extravaganza and wonders if Nicole enjoyed her Santa. She says Merry ShaChristmas. I don’t know if Nicole will be allowed to speak much in the final.  APPARENTLY Leona has a whole Christmas album! Who wouldn’t want that? Um, I dunno, people with EARS? Durrbot wants to know what advice she’s got for the contestants. She says that they’ve got to top their last performances and put their best feet forward. Durrbot presses her to say who her favourite is. She’s obviously uncomfortable answering the question so he pushes it some more and she eventually says she and Sambailey have been messaging on Twitter so her. Leona is also happy to see Sharon. FIVE MINUTE WARNING!

ADVERTS!

When we return it’s time for BOOBLAY’S IN THE FRIDGE. Durrbot says that his mum loves him and in a parallel universe he could be his stepdad. Um, Durrbot, any shit can happen in a parallel universe because they are MADE UP. So here he is, for the Mams.  He’s won 3 GRAMMY AWARDS and has sold 40 MILLION ALBUMS WORLDWIDE and has had 7 PLATINUM ALBUMS. So BOOBLAY is wearing a sparkly jacket and singing ‘You Make Me Feel So Young’. It’s nondescript until he serenades Louis and it’s a bit beautiful. It feels like a slight to Robbie Williams’ disastrous Palladium concert and it probably is by virtue of it not being ABSOLUTE TORTURE. It seems BOOBLAY has the same thing that Tom Chaplin from Keane has - no matter how skinny his body his face still seems pinchable. It’s no bad thing, just an observation. He’s like the anti James Arthur. BOOBAY thanks Durrbot for seeing him which makes me like him. [Michael Bublé is one of those people who is GREAT as a guest on a chatshow or doing banter on a results show, even though I can't stomach his music at all. - Steve] Durrbot makes a joke about BOOBLAY singing at him. Durrbot wants to know when he’s on tour. He doesn’t know except Durrbot does. It’s all a bit embarrassing.

But first, we’re told to audition by Olly Murs which wouldn’t encourage anyone in any way. [I dunno, I'm sure all the bellends in the audience found it most inspiring. - Steve] MOAR ADVERTS.

When we return there’s a film about Together for ShortLives, the recipient of the money from this year’s winners single. I’m not going to recap it, because I feel that it would be in bad taste but it’s clearly an excellent cause and I hope this show can play a significant part in allowing them to continue their work.  You can find out more about the single on all the various regional ITV websites and the government have waived VAT on the single so more money can be raised. [Yeah, I'll say one thing in this show's defence - in the year of MattRebeccaWandErection I had friends who needed the support of a Children's Hospice and the finalists all came to visit and were apparently very lovely and had photos with anyone who wanted them.  The show has supported this charity, which I believe is an umbrella trust for several hospices and charities, for several series running now (and one of WandErection is the patron of this particular hospice) so hurrah for consistency of being nice.  Here endeth my one nice thing to say about X Factor this series - Rad] [See? We all have human feelings deep down, honest. - Steve]

Back to business though, we’re going to find out who is in the final.  First act going straight through is... Sambailey! Next through is... Nicholas! Leaving us with a Rough Copy/Luke sing off. Rough Copy look like dead men walking. They hug it out though. WIN STUFF FROM JLS BEFORE THE NEXT ADVERTS! That Sainsbury’s one with the dad coming home... I can’t even.

So who’s getting the third place? It’s between Luke and Rough Copy as we’ve already discussed. Luke is up first and is introduced as a talented nice guy. He’s singing Somewhere Only We Know from off of the adverts. THIS COULD BE THE END OF EVERYTHING OH GOD MY HEARTSTRINGS. It’s a bit shouty but everyone seems to love it. Nicholas is crying. Luke seems defeated; he does a Waisell style “oh sod it” and gets down on his knees. Rough Copy cheer him on. Luke is so lost in the music that he remembers to give the camera big puppy dog eyes at the end. 

Funsponge is proud of Rough Copy. Their cut from Now That’s What I Call Emotional Blackmail is End of The Road by Boyz 2 Men. They sing it brilliantly [No they don't.  Although I hate this song anyway - Rad] and Luke is now crying. They’re giving it their all. There’s a key change and everything. They go out in the audience to recapture that Rough Copy spirit someone made up a couple of weeks ago whilst trying to bus them.

So who is it to be? Durrbot thinks it was quite the sing off and does his usual thing of stopping anyone from hugging because HE IS IN CHARGE. We’re down to the judges but am I right in thinking that the semis are usually pure public vote? Oh it’s likely to be deadlock anyway, let’s face it. Funsponge thinks that the choice between the act that’s his act and the one that isn’t is a hard one because they are so different. Sterling gives him the stink eye. He’s heard both acts sing better but of course he’s going for his own. Louis cuts the bullshit and votes Luke. Over to Nicole. Durrbot is very careful to tell her to say who she wants to save. Luke sang one of her favourite songs and is genuine and he’s a diamond in the rough but she’s saving Rough Copy. It’s all on Sharon. Rough Copy are crying. Sharon can’t make her mind up so takes it to Deadlock. Durrbot clearly doesn’t like this, but it’s not about him. So who’s going through?

It’s Luke. There’s lots of tearful hugging and Durrbot realises he’s never going to extract them all without looking like a dick so we look at their journey.  Their journey is basically from three to two to three to leggings and backpacks. Aww, the final is going to be as boring as Barlow. Can we just take a moment to appreciate this please? Three years ago Funsponge came rolling in like some kind of imaginary saviour stroke Cowell replacement and immediately set himself up as the no nonsense father of the judges. He has failed miserably on all three series. As an ardent member of both Team Robbie and Team Fun I could not be happier about his failure. He may be a brilliant songwriter and band member but he’s a shit popstar and even more shit at telly. I can’t put all the blame on him for the boring as BARLOW last series but I’m going to apportion him a large chunk of it. HA IN YOUR CHISELED DESIGNER STUBBLED FACE. [Also, assuming Sambailey wins, Sharon will be howling with glee that Funsponge Borelow has taken the crown of WORST MENTOR EVER from her - Rad] [Well, not quite. Sharon went four years without a winner before quitting in umbrage, Gary's only managed three, even though it feels like decades. - Steve]

So yeah, back to an emotional Rough Copy. Durrbot wants to know their highlight. Sterling says it’s about just being here and they want to thank Funsponge. Then Kaz grabs the mic and wants us to make some noise if we believe in god. One suspects that this may have been an agenda that the RC crowd may have wanted to push and this is the true Waissel “oh sod it” moment.  Durrbot actually handles it like a pro though, cutting quickly to the finalists. Sambailey, Luke and Nicholas. That’s it.

So yeah, I don’t care who wins again. I don’t even think I hate any of them enough to want them to lose. Join Steve and Rad for the star studded final that includes SIR ELTON JOHN.

If my opinion means anything, next year they can lose either the room or the stadium auditions and bring back the novelty acts please. Cheers, it’s been a pleasure. See you next year!