J-Walking

Top Four Results – 2^nd December 2012

Another window is opened in my reality advent calendar as we reach my last results recap of the series. Behind it is Steve Brookstein’s dignity. Only joking! He never had any.  So last night Jahmene’s deepest darkest personal despair was sacrificed at the altar of reality, being forced to say he sang a song at his brother’s funeral which seems to be factually inaccurate anyway. More than one person has pointed out that his brother died before the song was released but I’m not accusing anyone of anything, there’s been large gaps between someone dying and the funeral before, so let’s just leave it there.

We begin with Durrbot stood in the middle of the most testosterone heavy semi final line up in the history of ever. Suitwatch – Exactly the same as yesterday but black. Yay consistency! We’re told that last night the four finalists sang for a place in the LIVE! FINAL! The pressure was on and the stakes are high. Tonight, we’re told that it’s all in the hands of the Great British Public. So who do we have? Well, we have the freakishly broad shouldered James, who, like the cockroach that he is has survived thus far and want so, so badly to get into the final. Jahmene, the male Leona Lewis who has put more notes in stuff than Dr Nick Riviera has left things in people who thinks it would be madness to go home now.  Strangles Moroney, the dubious orange who seems to be still there in what can only be an internet campaign as hilarious as that time when Olly Murs got voted The Guardian album of the year who is told by Funsponge that it is all in the hands of the public. Finally it’s Union J, or Four Direction who are just so COOT you could eat them up.  Do you want to kill their dream? Do you? Could you do that to them and their lovely hair? Well that’s what they’re asking you.

PLUS! Tonight we’re having performances from Tulisa from off of this! Grammy award winning international superstar Pink! I know which one we should be more excited about. [Can we have Pink circa 2002 please? - Rad] So how are the judges feeling? Funsponge knows it’s all coming down to tonight, Louis says there are four acts and three spaces. Thanks Louis! It’s IT for Nicole. It’s time to face the music!

So we’re live from London and it’s time for Durrbot. He welcomes us to the semi final results and tells us that it’s exciting. I wouldn’t have realised if he didn’t tell us. He also warns us that Tulisa is going to sing and Pink is incredible. There’s also going to be an appearance from a rock legend.  I genuinely don’t know who this is going to be but they must really need some cash. But first, for no reason whatsoever are the judges! Funsponge and Louis’ suits match the ones that everyone else is wearing. Nicole is wearing something purple and off the shoulder which is nice. Tulisa is wearing Nicole’s dress from last night only it’s a much more unflattering length. Why is she still even here? She can peddle her own song without us being made to think that her opinion holds any weight whatsoever. She’s no vested interest in this anymore. Let her watch this in a hoodie whilst picking her toenails, eh? It’s what we all want. I can’t stand watching her pretend to care for another second. [Did this show destroy Tulisa faster than Cheryl?  I'm thinking so - Rad]

Apparently, the finalists are all here because they love to sing. No, if you love to sing, then you sing. You don’t have to be famous. So they’re doing “Merry Christmas Baby” as the group song. I think it’s called that. They just say “Merry Christmas Baby” a lot. Pinocchio then invites Rod Stewart on to the stage with the amount of enthusiasm that his mum must have told him was appropriate. Seriously, who’s even heard of Rod Stewart these days? Is this current like BOOBLAY FOR THE MAMS? Rod doesn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed. At least Durrbot does a bit as he thanks him for singing with the contestants who Rod is pleasantly surprised to find are so good.  Durrbot tries to make them excited about this but they’re all just wondering who the old man is. Durrbot informs James that the old man has had more girlfriends than him. Everyone looks doubtful. This is because James Arthur is the only man on stage that’s ever had a girlfriend A STUD OK. Durrbot explains to the old man why he’s there – it’s because he’s doing a show after them on ITV1. Durrbot reminds him of this because he’s a bellend. Rod’s touring in June, mams!

Never mind all that, it’s the backstage reactions and the numbers, if we’ve all recovered from the Walsh onesie. The Walshsie, if you will. Louis thinks Christopher’s cheese has matured. Jahmene doesn’t have a backstage comment. Union J are nothing to do with Louis, according to Funsponge and Union J are happy with their comments and will use them in their next performance. (SPOILER, THEY WON’T) and James is basically the best at everything ever because he FEELS STUFF, YEAH? The competition means more to him than life and death. OK THEN. Round two, does Jahmene have an opinion yet? He does. He thinks he’s come so far since the audition and it’s been a long time. It actually has.  Moroney’s second performance is no better the second time around and he thinks the final is in touching distance. Funsponge thinks doing BOOBLAY is hard (TWSS) but Moroney did a marvellous job. Nicole thinks it wasn’t a semi final performance. Union J are still dull and Louis basically calls Funsponge boring. He says “he sits at a piano doing plinky plonky ballads. That’s safe”. I LOVE YOU LOUIS. Union J remind us that they’re dreams are in our hands. James Arthur then walks on water, cures a leper and turns water into wine. He urges us to remember the true spirit of Jamesmas whilst Nicole tells us that he owned, slayed and James Arthured it. Good. Is it adverts time yet? It is! Tulisa’s on after though, so enjoy them, yeah?

But before that we’re doing the world’s shortest satellite link! OH, THAT’S BACK, IS IT? FFS. James first. Durrbot informs him that Holly Johnson approves of his version of his song. James looks at Moroney who is old and would no doubt have heard of Holly Johnson. Moroney gives him a nod to indicate that this is a Good Thing and James does his flabbergasted face whilst Moroney pisses himself until he’s told that Holly likes him too. Next up, Durrbot asks Jahmene how he’s feeling. He feels like he’s let go and this is a good thing. He asks Moroney how he feels about the criticism of his new school vibe and will this make him go back to old stuff. Moroney says all the songs he sings are timeless and he is literally the least self aware man in the universe. Finally, do Union J think they’ve done enough? They hope people believe in them because they don’t want to go home yet.

Next up, Tulisa sings a song. Apparently she’s a judge by day and a popstar by night. The joke here is even too lazy for me. Apparently she’s had 3 PLATINUM ALBUMS WITH N DUBZ and her DEBUT SINGLE was NUMBER ONE and she’s sold THREE MILLION RECORDS WORLDWIDE. She’s still shit though! It’s Tulisa!  She’s wearing a hood because, yannow, BROKEN BRITAIN. She’s singing the song through her nose tonight, because this one is a ballid. She’s standing on a box and everything. I actually can’t listen to this. I’m sorry. I’m fastforwarding.  It’s my Christmas gift to myself.  [I watched it live and it made Cheryl's live vocal sound like Maria Callas - Rad] [Seriously. I think it might be the worst song I've ever endured on a results show, and I sat through Duffy singing WEH WEH WEH on Strictly. - Steve] When she’s finished she’s interviewed by Durrbot who points out the box and wonders what it’s like to be a singer instead of a judge. She says she found the whole experience terrifying.  As did I. Durrbot wants to know if she would like to be judged. She says go on then and she’s not joking. She really wants Daddy Funsponge’s approval. Instead, Durrbot asks Louis if she could be the next big boyband. Louis says she was very good. Anyway. Vote and come on the show next year, yeah?

After the adverts, in “let’s see how it’s really done” news, is Pink. Tulisa’s album gets a little plug.

After the adverts, we have a segment about the charity that the single is going to be for. START YOUR INTERNET CAMPAIGN NOW, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS. It’s about a family and their disabled daughter. I’m not going to recap this bit, because it’s unfair to be bitchy about it, but the charity that the X Factor is working with provides support and nurses for children with short lives. They seem like they do good work.  The family are in the studio tonight. On with the show.

Next up is worldwide star Pink on her X Factor debut. She’s sold 50 MILLION SINGLES WORLDWIDE and 40 MILLION ALBUMS. She’s won 3 GRAMMY AWARDS and for some reason she’s on tonight. Man, she must be worried about selling that new album. Because it’s the X Factor, she’s singing a ballid.  There’s a mini orchestra and everything. I was looking forward to seeing this because I thought it would be an interesting break in an hour of dull. How wrong I was. Let’s see if Durrbot makes a sufficient arse of himself when he’s interviewing her to make up for it.  He asks her why it’s taken so long for her to come on the show. She doesn’t answer. He wonders if she’s touring soon. She says April. That’s some good interviewing.

HOWEVER. Lines are now closed. Who is going home?! I know who I want.  Adverts!

One final VT before the results though, what will it mean to everyone to get through? Union J have done what bands do over years in the space of ten weeks [get a transplanted member who they hate, come out of the closet, imitate One Direction... get drug addictions, go through rehab, release a horrible swing album, have Puppet George kicked out after he goes mad at Glastonbury?  Wow, some ten weeks, right there - Rad]. Moroney is doing it for the public too. Jahmene would be gutted to have it snatched away from him. James would like to look in the mirror and stop feeling like dirt on the floor.  Jahmene thinks it’s crazy that he’s come from Asda to the semi final. He can’t believe people think he’s good enough. Union J are going to do everything in their power to get to the final. Jahmene wants to see pride in his mum’s face.  Union J want to do the next step. Moroney wants to sing in the live final, James wants his DNA to stop telling him that he’s failed [BixMix product placement there? - Rad]. Oh ffs. GET ON WITH IT.

There have apparently been a million votes and they are in. The judges and the acts return to the stage. We’re reminded that there’s no sing off tonight. The first act through is... JAMES who is so excited he almost pops Nicole’s boob out as he hugs her. Next is... MORONEY in the biggest WTF I’ve ever seen. Final act through is... JAHMENE, of course it is. There’s much hugging and Union J are so happy with how well they’ve done, even though Durrbot tells everyone that they thought they were going anyway. Durrbot is sure that the show is going to be a springboard. Louis is still sure they’re the next big boyband. Their highlight was meeting everyone.  We see Union J’s best bits before they sing. They really, really are Bixmix with Willies.  They sing a farewell song and they seem to be genuinely fond of each other. It’s quite sweet. The song is that Taylor Swift one [which they don't gender-change, so hurrah for that, the little princesses - Rad]. They seem sweet. With some decent songs they could probably do well.

But never mind that, it’s the finalists! Jahmene can’t make human noises. James thought he wasn’t going through so he’s over the moon. It sounds like Durrbot then calls Moroney “Baloney” and asks him how he’s going to feel singing in front of ten thousand people. Popular backstage, are we? He wants to thank everyone that’s voted for him. He wants to know how the other two are feeling. Jahmene gives it the most unconvincing “Bring it on” ever.

So next week is the final live in Manchester! We’re promised Kylie, Rhianna and Sandy Emily plus duets and the crowning of the winner. Join Steve on Saturday and Rad on Sunday to see what happens there. Y’all have good festivities, yeah?