Sung in the style of...

Week 4, part 2: Broadcast September 11 2011

Hello! And welcome to the second part of this weekend’s X Factor marathon! Yes, we had two parts this weekend which did nothing other than mess up everyone’s body clock and make us all think that we didn’t have to go to work tomorrow. But we did. The X Factor LIES.

Instead of a recap of yesterday, because finally they really believe that we aren’t that stupid, we have a recap of the entire series so far. We see Brian Cox in his blonde wig, the man with all the tattoos on his arse [MY EYES - Steve], the one that thinks he’s Michael Jackson, someone feeling up Gary, Someone’s abs, Kelly jumping on Louis and Samantha and Lascel from last night. You really didn’t think we were going to get away without a recap of yesterday, did you? For shame. Wait! There’s more. We see NotAdele and a few other randoms that really didn’t stick in my mind apart from the one with Bieber hair that was called Luke Lucas... His sob story being that his parents clearly want him to be in the Adult Film industry. Cheering Nan again! More mad people! Chrissie! [Chrissie? I've forgotten half these people already - Rad] [Seriously. I'm dreading recapping the boot camp episodes. - Steve]

We are treated to what we are about to see and some of last night. Because we clearly are idiots. Tulisa thinks something is Amazing, Louis thinks a star is born and Gary thinks something is incredible. Kelly obviously isn’t ready for the jelly of tonight because she doesn’t like something. Quickly, the coming up section turns into a sneaky recap of last night. *shakes fist*.

Punctuated with FACING. THE. MUSIC we have Kelly telling someone they’re not ready and Gary telling someone they’ll NEVER GO TO BOOTCAMP. Oh they’ll go Gary, maybe not by legitimate means, but they’ll be there. In the bushes. Watching. You. We see who we’re going to see tonight. This looks good, on the surface anyway, but I know that we’ve just seen everyone we’ll be seeing.

Anyway, nearly a whole two minutes in we get started. Dermot tells us that the judges have travelled the length and breadth of the country. This means Manchester, Glasgow, Birmingham and London, which isn’t really all of Britain, is it? I’m sure Lands End, John O’Groats and oh, I don’t know... maybe WALES and NORTHERN IRELAND might have a thing or two to say about that? Anyway. Allegedly we are looking for a new singing sensation and tonight’s programme will take us back to Liverpool.

Dermot tells us a new day is dawning and we are helped out by an image of the sun rising. We see several auditionees getting into their cars and leaving their houses, including one interesting looking lady with pink hair. Someone blonde buys a train ticket and then we see a train. This is very boring. Is this the day their lives are going to change? Ponders Dermot. Pink hair returns with her posse, who are all in pink wigs. She’s wanted to audition, like, forever and now she’s old enough she has to x2 get through. Good luck, pink hair lady! Someone with bad teeth doesn’t want a 9-5 job in an office because all he’s interested in is music and another pretty young girl tells us that she can’t think of not being a singer, so it has to happen. Can someone say something original please? Just say you want to be on telly, I’d respect you for it.

The judges arrive in their cars. Gary touches some hands and reiterates that the North West is best for talent. Louis next, claiming that all he needs are 2 or 3 great people. And some filler. Kelly signs some autographs and we’re told that Tulisa is on her way. Louis takes this opportunity to tell us that its Tulisa’s birthday and she’s WELL OLD at 23. They have a surprise for her and she’s no idea what it is. That’s kind of how a surprise works, Louis. We see the gift. It’s gigantic. Tulisa arrives and the crowd sing her Happy Birthday because they’ve been told to whilst she does a really bad impression of a Scouser. Gary, Louis and Kelly gossip about her gift. Louis says she may want one in every town. I wonder what it is? Gary thinks that this may be a dangerous. Louis thinks it may turn her into a Diva, because she’s learning how to be one from Kelly.” “And me!” pipes in Gary. Kelly and Louis look suitably incredulous. “Mainly Kelly though” says Louis. And the nation.

Tulisa says she wants to find the winner in Liverpool on her birthday. Good luck with that! She comes in and asks what her present is. She looks nervous because she thinks something is going to jump out at her. She’s clearly been watching too much Shooting Stars. She gets herself in a state about opening it because inside is A MAN. Yes. A MAN, in his pants, who will do her bidding for her all day. Sexist much? He tells her he’s hers for the day. Kelly encourages her to touch him, grabbing her hand and making her poke his abs. She looks uncomfortable. “I got a man for my birthday” She says, seemingly in disbelief. “A BUTLER” adds Gary quickly. Gary Barlow don’t like no funny business. [God forbid anything remotely entertaining happen on Borelow's watch. - Steve]

With the japes over with, we are seemingly down to business. Tulisa’s man slave shows her to her seat. We have a montage from the makeup room, which is by far my favourite new addition apart from the fact the montage is over Swagger Jagger. There’s so much hairspray going round that there must be an X shaped hole in the ozone layer. It’s for a reason though, because we have a hairdresser auditioning. I see what they did there. Yes, he’s Marcus Collins and he’s just added far too much hairspray to his tiny little hair. He’s 23 and he’s from Liverpool. He sings at work all the time and his clients call him the singing hairdresser. I bet that never gets old for his colleagues, eh? He says in his job image is everything and his hair has been every colour you could think of. Blue, green, blonde and, er, Beige. We see a montage of his Facebook profile shots to demonstrate this. He’s going natural for the X Factor though, and this mean she’s on to a winner because having your natural hair colour apparently means that you are prepared. He wants to be a worldwide star and people to enjoy his music. He can’t wait to get on stage and happily bounds on there.

Tulisa plainly likes what she sees as he milks the crowd for all they’re worth. He wishes Tulisa a happy birthday and tells the judges he’s brought along his family, friends and some of his clients. Tulisa asks him why she’s here. I’m proud of him for resisting the WELL DUH response. He says he wants to be a well known performer and he’s loving being on stage. He wants a better life for himself and HIS MUM. Cut to mum backstage looking proud. Marcus insists that this isn’t a sob story. Well, if it is Marcus, it’s not a good one. He wants to be able to walk into Marks and Spencer’s. Bless. [What, to buy a sandwich? Or just because it's a quick walk through to get to the precinct like the one in Grimsby? - Rad]

He sings Signed, Sealed, Delivered in the style of Stevie Wonder, which I’m sure isn’t the point. Where’s Simon? He wouldn’t stand for this shit. He’d have one Wookie paw up already and he’d already be on something more modern. The judges lap it up though, as do the crowd. Tulisa says she didn’t feel like she was at an audition and it was an amazing way to start the day. Louis thinks he’s soulful and can sing so he loved it. His facial expressions are amazing. Gary thinks it’s wonderful to hear someone that sings in the pocket of a song. I’m not lying, that’s what he said. Apparently this means he wasn’t just on the beat and found his own groove. Gary enjoyed it and congratulates him. Kelly tells him he ain’t just going to Markies, oh no, he’s off to Harrods. He’s got it all. They try to inject some tension into the voting, but there’s no need. There’s a yes, a HEAUL YES, a YEEEES and a massive yes. *sigh* They continue the love in after he’s gone back to his friends. He tells Dermot that it was one of the best experiences of his life. At this point, Tulisa’s manslave returns and she asks him for a Red Bull because she’s all class.

Next up we have a timid looking blonde lady. Everything about her screams meek, bless her. She’s called Emma White, she’s 19 and a pub singer and this is exactly what she sounds like as she launches into “Ain’t No Other Man” in the style of Christina Aguilera. Kelly looks surprised. Tulisa grins. The crowd love it. Tulisa thinks she’s a little popstar and she gets a yes. Kelly thinks she’s an amazing talent as Tulisa’s servant arrives with her drink. She wants an hour alone with him. Don’t think Fazer would like that, but hey.

Next up, a montage of yeses, which includes blonde train girl and pink hair girl. They were bigged up so much and we don’t even get to hear them sing? Bad show, X Factor. But wait, it all becomes clear. We are making way for another pretty boy, and pretty he is. He’s wearing a twat hat ((c) Rad) and his name is James Michael and he’s 20 and unemployed. He is also orange, so Tulisa asks him if he’s been on holiday. He replies he’s been in the garden. Nicely done, James Michael. He launches into a squeaky version of YET ANOTHER Adele song. He’s not as good as he thinks he is. Kelly makes the eyes that indicate she’s FEELING STUFF. Gary smiles and nods. Gary thinks he’s amazing and he’s a recording artist waiting to be recorded. Tulisa thought it wicked and he gets yeses. [I hated every single thing about this one. Mainly because of the hat - Rad]

Cut to Tulisa getting massaged by her butler and Kelly talking about the level of talent in Liverpool remand remarks that it’s hard to say no because if it isn’t good, it’s great. Tulisa is enjoying her massage. Kelly says he’s good with his hand and gives an eyebrow. Tulisa says he’s touching all her tension points. Fazer! You watching this? Kelly says that the slave is just a beautiful man rubbing her chest. Whoops! She means back! LOL.

ADVERTISING BREAK.

We return to Dermot dressed like an Action Man in Olly Murs-tight cords and a polo neck. He tells us that we are in Birmingham. We see an overconfident man with the top button of his tartan shirt done up telling us that he wants to become the new face around town and have everyone know who he is before doing some atrocious breakdancing, and a girl in what looks like a balaclava telling us she wants to be the next Jesse J. Aim high why don’t you, princess. Someone else wants to be Birmingham’s first international superstar. I thought that was Noddy Holder, no? [At the very least, it should be Cat Deeley. - Steve] Dermot tells us that it takes hard work and preparation to become a popstar over a montage of people warming up.

We see Graham Bennet sign in. He’s 52, from Eastbourne and unemployed. Graham shows us his guns. They are impressive. Dermot tells us he’s been preparing hard for his slot. Graham looks a bit like he’s a character played by Paul Whitehouse in an insurance advert. Graham has been working on the gun show because he’s noticed people in the pop industry go to the gym. Graham goes four days a week to maintain muscle mass and make everyday tasks easier. He wants to be a pop star because you get fans, travel and above average wages. He introduces himself to Dermot and tells Dermot he probably hasn’t heard of him. Who knew?! Graham tells us that another good thing about being a popstar is having female fans. He likes this, because he’s had experience of being surrounded by adoring females at karaoke nights. Dermot does his best not to laugh. Graham is confident that he will get a good looking girlfriend if he makes it as a popstar. To prove this point, he takes off his top and a nation vomits. He would like Sandra Bullock, Kim Basinger or any of the Girls Aloud ladies. What a shame Cheryl missed her chance. He wouldn’t mind a go at Kelly Rowland though.

He arrives on stage and tells Louis that his karaoke career has given him the taste of being a popstar. He’s going to sing She Bangs. Oh dear lord. He doesn’t know the words and it’s more than a bit Club Singer. He then gets on his knees and Louis can’t hold in his laughter. Gary wants the music stopped but has to work a bit harder than Simon to attract the attention of the hand slidey guy. He gets there in the end though, and Louis asks Graham what kind of girls he attracts. Graham says that that wasn’t his normal song and “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy usually gets a much better reaction. Please don’t ask him to sing it Louis...Please....Oh. You did. Gary tries to protest but is overruled. The talky bit at the beginning is good but the rest is godawful. Louis welcomes Kelly to Birmingham and wants to know what she thinks. Kelly can’t think. Gary says she’s speechless for the first time and she asks him what he means with more than a bit of an edge. Tulisa couldn’t understand what he was saying. He seems incredulous at this. Gary thinks he can’t be serious. He replies he is and he wants to go to boot camp. Gary tells him it’s never going to happen. Boo! Hiss! Gary. I’d love it if the others said yes at this point, just to put Daddy Barlow in his place, but they don’t. Four nos. Bye Graham! Dermot gives him a sympathetic ear, but Graham just says it’s a reality check.

Yet another montage. Someone comes on stage who is dressed up as Elvis. “OHMYGODITSELVIS!” screams Kelly. It’s plainly not love, settle. A lady in gold trousers wants to have a career like Beyonce. A man in a red T Shirt wants to be like Michael Jackson and an Irish girl wants to be like Britney. I suspect we are about to be shown that they won’t.

First up is Irish Lady. Her name is Aisling Corr [the lesser spotted member of The Corrs? Well, except for "Jim!"- Rad] and she’s from Dublin. Louis immediately perks up. She does a dreadful version of Womaniser that involves absolutely no blinking. Louis says no, even though she’s from Ireland, which Gary says is a first. Bit harsh today Gary. Red T-Shirt is Bharat Battina who is a 23 year old student. Louis calls him Borat, because all these forrin names sound the same. He sings a presumably self penned ditty about wanting to be a popstar and be famous like Michael Jackson. Kelly does a PUH-LEASE face. The song then descends into rapping. Gary summarises it by saying it was a man called Borat Riverdancing to an Ibiza house track and wonders if it was a dream. He asks to do another song. Gary says no. Meanie Gary.

Next out is a lady dressed up as Tina Turner [I knew a vicar called Tina Turner once. Fact. She's married and changed her name now though, boo! - Rad]. At least she’s honest, not like some of the auditions tonight. Her name is Jenny Overy and she’s 65. She tries to sing Simply The Best. Louis says it was a bad impression but she claims she’s just started and asks to sing another. She’s shot down. Oh look, its gold trousers! She’s called Sexy T, which is what Fazer calls Tulisa. TMI love. Sexy T’s real name is Tina Burgin and she’s 29 and a lecturer. She talks like she’s a Mike Leigh character. She embarks on a disastrous version of Crazy in Love which causes Louis to grimace. She then shakes her butt to such a degree that Dermot covers the eyes of her child. Tulisa thinks it was good until she started singing. She foolishly asks Kelly what she thinks. Kelly thinks her sister’s version is much better. HER SISTER BEYONCE, presumably. Gary doesn’t say anything so Sexy T assumes he’s speechless. He’s not. He’s being all funsponge about her shaking her bum, so naturally she does it again. Four nos. She talks about herself in the third person to Dermot about Kelly thinking she was bootylicious. I missed that bit.

MORE ADVERTS.

When we return, we are still in Birmingham. Dermot does a speech about the pressure of stepping on to the X whilst we see a young lad look frightened. Not just nervous... Terrified. He starts to cry when he gets on stage and gets a massive cheer. Gary asks him if he’s a nervous person. He says he isn’t, just in front of crowds. Maybe popstar isn’t the best job for him? Time to go back to the careers advisor sonny. His name is Harry O’Neill and he’s a 17 year old student. He’s going to sing ROLLING IN THE DEEP. *Adele Klaxon*. [This is like Steve's BEST EVER EPISODE - Rad] [To be fair, 'Rolling In The Deep' is one of the better Adele songs. Especially when someone who isn't Adele is singing it. - Steve] He’s a bit rubbish, but the potential is there. He stops and apologises. Kelly doesn’t think he’s ready, Louis wants him to go home and practice and Tulisa doesn’t think he’s ready either. Gary thanks him for coming. But he’s not the only nervous one! Oh no, next up is another nervous man called Scott Flannery who is a barman who forgets the words. Next nervous girl is 17 year old Rebecca Reid who is orange and berated by Kelly for letting her nerves get the better of her.

Next up and under pressure is 27 year old Jonjo Kerr. He’s wearing a HAT. He introduces himself. Gary asks where he’s from and he says he’s a SOLDIER so he’s from everywhere. *sigh*, it was only a matter of time. We see him in his uniform, we see him hugging his child. He tells us that he’s a soldier from Monday to Friday because he wants to be with his family at the weekends. Awww. His son loves that he’s a soldier. He’s decided to try out because all the lads at his camp had a singing competition that he won and they urged him to try out for the competition. The lads are behind him. He’s more nervous about going in front of the judges than he is about going to Afghanistan because he’s trained for that. Look! He’s a brave soldier! He’s perfect X Factor Fodder. He’s even got some soldiers and his PREGNANT WIFE with him. Kelly asks when his wife is due. In a mere two weeks! He starts to sing Handbags and Gladrags but messes it up. Kelly manages to turn an eyeroll into a look to the side. He messes up again and his son starts crying. Gary tells him to pull it together cos this isn’t him performing in front of his mates. He starts again, and it goes a bit better. The judges do their best meaningful faces. He’s going through, isn’t he? Imma put a tenner on him now. He’s going straight to the live shows. Let’s face it, the only thing he could do not to go through is fart into the microphone. Gary tries to inject a bit of danger into the proceedings by telling him not to move around so much. Kelly cries because he’s happy and he wants this. Louis thinks he can go really far but just needs some SELF BELIEF. Yes from Tulisa too. Kelly pretends she’s thinking about it as The Flood [I'm picturing Steve's face right now... - Rad] [If you pictured it sobbing, you were bang on the money - Steve] plays in the background. Four yeses. FACE OF SURPRISE. His trousers fall down on his way off stage. Tulisa justifies the decision to give him another chance by saying she fell in love with his sob storym. He goes backstage and tells Dermot that the audition was worse than WAR. [He was SHIT. There, I said it, I insulted a soldier. A soldier with a pregnant wife. *Awaits hate-mail from The Sun*. This episode is possibly the worst one ever - Rad] [I agree with Rad on all counts. - Steve]

Commercials!

We’re back in Liverpool. Dermot reminds us that there’s one thing every auditionee needs. A supportive parent. We love supportive parents on the X Factor, almost as much as parents who are DEAD. Lots of people talking to their parents, including one girl who tells her mother that her audition may be the first time she actually needs her. The two most supportive parents though, are those of 16 year old [*cough* - Rad] Amelia Lilly from Middlesbrough. Her parents are SO SUPPORTIVE, especially her dad who can never believe that it’s his little girl when he sees her sing. If she went through, he’d be over the moon. Amelia Lily, who looks and sounds like a character from The Worst Witch, is nervous. Its one thing watching the X Factor, but being on it is another thing. Well, quite. When they pulled up this morning, it was crazy. It’s amazing and daunting. Dad thinks she’s got a great future, but it may be a daunting task for someone her age. Amelia Lily isn’t worried. She’s going to give it Rock All cos it’s what she wants to do for the rest of her life. Louis wants to know why she’s there. She resists the urge to say “TO AUDITION FOR THE X FACTOR, GRANDAD”, instead opting for hoping that people like what they hear. She’s always wanted to be a singer and it’s amazing to be standing there. She sings “Take Another Piece of My Heart” in the style of Beverly Knight which is again, missing the point of the show. Everyone makes encouraging faces. When she finishes, her mum says that Amelia is going to cry. She does. Dermot agrees that it’s emotional.

Judging! Though, if the rest of the series is anything to go by, the last one is always a shoo-in. Tulisa can’t believe she’s only 16 because people take forever to get to her level and she blew up the stage. Dad’s crying now. Louis thinks it was big, bold and beautiful and she’s a star. Kelly can’t understand she’s only 16. Yes, we get it! She’s 16. Gary says she’s the reason he wanted to sit in the chair. She’s 16! Four yeses. Like it was any to go any other way. Dad does a little dance. Amelia runs off stage and hugs her SUPPORTIVE PARENTS whilst the judges go on about her being 16 some more.

So, it’s over for this weekend. Next weekend is another double bill and the last of the auditions. Prepare yourselves!