Putting the boot in

Boot Camp: Week 6, Part 1

Broadcast 24 September 2011

So the torturing of the mentally ill and the smashing of young dreams is mainly over. We are just smashing the dreams of the moderately talented now at Boot Camp. Instead of the brilliant and the terrible, we just have the brilliant and the mediocre. How exciting. [We have the brilliant? - Steve] Stretched out over two nights too.

We have the obligatory “they came in their thousands” speech and see the judges with the fire behind them. The ‘Next Generation’ of judges which is basically ‘Saved By The Bell, The New Class’ starring Louis Walsh as Screech. Montage of the good and the bad. We’re promised new highs and crashing and burning. We see Tulisa being told to shut up again and Louis Walsh telling someone they can’t sing. 187 acts are left. I87 ironically being the US penal code for murder. There was a film with Samuel L Jackson in it and everything.

One thing stands in the way of these 187 acts. BOOT CAMP. It’s a double bill. There’s a party, hot tub and promises of the MOST BRUTAL BOOT CAMP EVER. There’s a Minority report wall of faces and EVERYTHING. These 187 are going to be cut down to 32 and some people are not happy about it.

“Great isn’t good enough” warns Tulisa ominously, “these people are going to have to be amazing”

It’s time to face the music!

*Solves the banking crisis during the titles*

We see a shot of the O2 and the Gherkin, so we must be in London. Dermot welcomes us and we see everyone get ready to leave their houses for that London. Someone has a really dirty bathroom tap. JadefromFife tells us that she’s never seen big buildings before. I’m sure she’s lying. I’m from near Fife and there’s plenty. She’s used to fields and sheep. Someone has never been away from home before. ArseTattoo’s dad wishes him luck and he feels that every day he’s a little closer. Misha seems to be taking part in the world’s most ridiculous weave competition, and tells us that she can’t believe that she’s in bootcamp. Kitty Belter will do anything to stay in the competition. Luke Lucas says that singing is his life, Derry KellyStalker tells us that performing is his life and he doesn’t want to go back to Burger King. The soldier who thinks that the X Factor is WORSE THAN WAR [in fairness, he might be right, just not in the way he thinks - Steve] can’t believe that he’s here. Lascel BipolarMum wants to tell everyone that he is someone and this is his one opportunity and he doesn’t want to blow it.

The number of acts has gone down to 186 during the titles. Perhaps someone has died of boredom? Dermot tells us the acts are being delivered to a luxury hotel in the outskirts of London (Croydon, the glamour) and that during bootcamp they will face a series of challenges and at the end, only 32 will survive. It’s not all bad though, there’s a welcome party been laid on for them “by the judges” where they will get a chance to mingle.

Party montage! Stacey Duomon are living the dream. There’s a chocolate fountain and everything. Some random people without interesting stories talk about how great it is. Dermot tells us that this is the chance to size up the competition. I hope this means contestants spiking each other’s drinks and engineering some falling on faces. The hairdresser from a couple of weeks ago reminds us that it’s nice to make friends but he’s here to do a job. It’s just like a normal party, except there’s cameras everywhere.

BUT, THERE’S DRAMA AFOOT. On the other side of London the judges are worrying that there may be a few too many people in bootcamp. Gary interviews that they’ve seen hundreds of people and not everyone at bootcamp deserves to be there. Tulisa thinks she may have been swept up in the moment with some people and some of the people she put through weren’t amazing. Louis just goes for the more straightforward “we are reviewing the tapes and we’re going to send some people home”. It comes to something when Louis Walsh is the voice of sense. Kelly goes off on a tangent about the music industry being tough and now it’s time to get serious.

At 10.05pm precisely the judges file into a room to watch every single audition tape and make cuts before boot camp has even started. Gary steps into the voice of sense role and basically makes a big deal out of saying that they’re now grading on a curve. There’s a big touch screen with all the auditions loaded on to it. They go through it and shout about who they love. [Although this was ridiculous, it was worth it for the amazing touch screen. That needed more screen time - Rad]

Cut to Goldie throwing some awesome shapes on the dancefloor and Dermot giving us the Voiceover of DOOM saying that they’re blissfully unaware that their place isn’t guaranteed. Kendro – All similarities to Jedward are entirely coincidental are getting drunk. Another lady COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT has her bikini on under her clothes and shouts that she’s getting in the pool. It’s not a pool, pet, it’s a hot tub. NuBo man says he’s not getting in the tiny hot tub because the guys that are getting in look like Chippendales and he looks like a chipolata. Luke Lucas stands by the hot tub watching the girls frolic, marvelling that all of his masturbatory fantasies have come true and filling up the wank bank. He bites his fist and tells us how happy he is.

45 minutes later and the judges are STILL REVIEWING all the auditions. This mainly consists of them rubbishing all the auditions and wondering what they were thinking.

At 11.35pm PRECISELY lots of the acts decide that it might not be a good idea to get pissed and party all night. One group are all in one room together, like the Monkees, and sit round the mini kettle to rehearse. Frankie ArseTattoo gets a room number texted to him before jumping in the hot tub fully clothed. Cue lots of snogging in corners.

At 11.46PM, or thereabouts, the judges are STILL making cuts. They’ve put ONE HOUR AND ONE MINUTE into these decisions. Gary says that “if we had a record with that face on it, it would have a reduced price tag”. Yes Gary, because you’ve always been HOT STUFF. There’s a group montage. They are mostly terrible. Gary reasons that by getting rid of a lot of the dead wood it gives them more time to work on what’s left. There’s a table full of people that are going home. Louis asks the group if they’re happy with that. Gary only wants to work with winners. That’s why he had Howard Donald and Jason Orange in his band. Er...He thinks they’ve made the right decision because none of the table faces are going to win. Everyone agrees. There will be over forty acts cut tomorrow. Gary doesn’t care though, he’s looking for cars. Kelly and Tulisa basically say the same thing. Louis says it’s going to be the toughest bootcamp in X Factor history. O RLY?

Advertising break. The “Terribly Clever” range really taps into the pretentious part of your customer base, doesn’t it, M&S?

We’re back. It’s 9am and Dermot’s been sent to Croydon, which is a bit like being sent to Coventry, only slightly less classy. Dermot tells us about the party and reminds us that the judges are about to deliver a bombshell. Montage of people telling us they don’t know what to expect, including a girl in a Cowardly Lion costume. Someone in a checked shirt and rosary beads says, and let me get this verbatim to see if it makes any more sense written down, “I’m more apprehensive about what we’re going to be doing. I don’t, I don’t, not nervous about what we’re doing but just wanna know what we have to do”. Answers on a postcard.

Dermot reminds us that the audition tapes have been reviewed and the contestants are being put into groups. Samantha cruise ship has come as a Red Indian stereotype and tells us that she’s a walking cliché. I could have told her that. Everyone is standing on the lawn in four groups as the judges exit their separate cars.

Louis welcomes them all to bootcamp. Tulisa tells them it’s down to business, cos she’s the LADY BOSS. She’s there to find a worldwide star and it’s time to make some decisions. Kelly tells them that whilst they were partying, the judges were rewatching the auditions and there are some very talented people and the bar is set high. Gary, as if he’s telling everyone to get on with it, tells the assembled hopefuls that the judges don’t believe everyone that is on the lawn stands a chance of winning. Lots of shocked faces. Gary tells them that it’s been a tough decision and some are going home right now. Chrissie Sisterhood Betrayer cries.

Kelly points to the group on the far left. Her far left, just to make things more confusing for the assembled hoards. They are staying. ArseTattoo is sadly in that group. The group on Tulisa’s far right get a bit of a fakeout but they are staying. This group contains Kendro. The group to the left of centre, Gary’s left that is, are going home. Cue blonde Brian Cox blowing a kiss. Dermot heads into the loserpile to do some hugging. I don’t recognise anyone who’s going, apart from the cowardly lion.

Tulisa talks about how hard it was whilst Louis and Gary are all they were shit anyway, love, pull yourself together. But someone’s not happy about going home and that man is 24 year old Curtis Ray White who roams the hotel like an angry ghost from The Shining demanding to talk to the judges. He shouts at the world’s most uncomfortable looking runner that he just wants an explanation and that reviewing the tapes isn’t an explanation. He wants to know WHY. Gary and Kelly come out with a massive security guard to explain to him. He fronts out Gary Barlow and asks why he’s been sent home without an opportunity to show what he could do. I’m sensing he doesn’t want to hear “because you’re shit”. Gary tells him that the opportunity was his audition and there were people better than him and they don’t want to lead him on for a week if he’s not going to make it. “it’s a tough business” says Louis, Les McQueen style. “It’s a tough LIFE” says Curtis. Now you know what to do for your next audition, don’t you? Tulisa puts her best street voice on and tells him that they did see something in him, but other acts were stronger. Louis tells him that it’s not the end, and Curtis agrees. The judges go back into the hotel and make faces. Curtis is placated and now he knows what he’s got to do. He’s coming back. The losers leave.

The remaining contestants are still on the lawn. Kelly does the obligatory “the winner is here” speech. Louis warns them that they’ve just seen how tough he’s willing to be. Gary gives them their challenge. They’re going to put them into groups because he’s a great believer in working with other people. Kelly tells them that although they’ve got to work as groups they’ve got to shine as individuals. Gary warns them to spend their time wisely because they’re performing at Wembley later. So a big chunk of that time they’ve got to spend wisely will be spent on a two hour drive across London? Still, they got a good deal on an Out Of Town hotel.

Dermot reminds us that the morning has been tough and that in four hours they will be performing at Wembley arena. Exciting! There are 152 acts left, meaning that 34 have been cut, not the ‘Over 40’ that the judges have been peddling. I resent being treated like an idiot, but I do watch this so I’ve got nobody to complain to. They’re going to be divided into 30 groups. According to the X Factor, some of the top acts in the world are Lady Gaga, Cee-lo Green, Katy Perry, Jessie J, Florence and the Machine and, er, The Script. [Bet you the only reason Jessie J's on that list is because she's one of the judges' houses mentors. There's no other sensible explanation. - Steve] They’ve all got to sing a solo part so they can be judged individually. So it’s not really a group then, you’re just singing a song like you’re on a charity record.

ArseTattoo tells us that they’ve chosen their parts and they’re getting on with it. Some of the groups are finding it hard to see eye to eye. Samantha Cruiseship resents someone being the boss off her. Kitty Belter and Honey have a ruck about singing the waily bit of Florence and the Machine. Kitty Belter was so lost in music that she didn’t even notice that Honey was pissed off. Helen enjoys the fact that people called Kitty and Honey are fighting.

Luke Lucas thinks his group have a great chance. Kitty and Honey are still fighting as they all board the bus to Wembley Arena, which has hosted acts like Pink, Westlife and Beyonce. Most people seem to have changed their clothes. Two thirds are being sent home after this challenge. They are so eager that they are practicing in the halls.

First group up are Kitty Belter, Lascel BipolarMum, Honey and Terry UsedCarSalesman. We’re reminded of their behind scenes ruck. My money is on Honey. She looks scary. They arrive on stage and Kelly asks them if they agreed on who should sing what. Honey replies that there are two really strong singers in the group (snerk) and they argued over who got the warbly bit. Yes, we get it, TENSION. Kelly wants to know who was fighting. Louis replies that it was two girls. Well, it must’ve been, Louis.

They begin. We get some actual names. Terry waves his hands around like he’s trying to put out a fire in his suit. Candice is average whilst Lascel makes meaningful faces. When it’s his turn, he adds in about 20 extra notes. Kitty growls her bit whilst Honey looks bored. Kitty returns the favour during Honey’s turn whilst Terry does some EPIC dad dancing. There’s a man who looks like Nick Grimshaw on the end doesn’t get a look in. Tulisa remarks on the looks between Honey and Kitty. Backstage, Dermot remarks that the judges picked up on the bickering. IT’S BECAUSE THEY TOLD THEM ABOUT IT, DERMOT. Kitty says it was silly, but she would. The judges all seem to love Terry.

Florence Montage time. We see Sian Phillips, Sophie Habbis, Joseph Gilligan and Amelia Lilly do their best Florence Honking. Max Vickers is last in this little segment. He has not a claw, but a pointy finger and has got the love to see us FREW. This makes Gary excited. Nobody is looking at Louis so he hops on the table. Gary gives him the side eye.

*advertising break*

We’re STILL AT WEMBLEY (arena). Frankie ArseTattoo and his gang are waiting backstage and AWKWARD, he’s in the group with the girl that he pulled who is called Becky. ArseTattoo’s phrasing is all wrong. At this point my other half looks up at the telly, says “Twat” and goes back to what he is doing. Eskimo Smile (who?) are pleasantly gruff and harmonise nicely. ArseTattoo gets another bit and makes all the same mistake whilst the girls in the group harmonise badly. I think one of these girls might be Chrissie the betrayer of the sisterhood, but I’m not sure as she doesn’t get a close up. The judges agree that it’s all about ArseTattoo, Gary thinks he oozes charisma [that's what twattishness is called these days then? Good to know - Rad] [He's definitely oozing SOMETHING - Steve]. A table looks charismatic next to Gary though.

Next up, is James Michael and his group, who sings the song exactly the same as ArseTattoo so they love it. Janet Devlin does her breathy thing whilst Kelly makes her FEELING THINGS face. Tulisa thinks she’s a star and Gary has tingles. Janet is intimidated because everyone has the same dream. Next up is Lemuel Knights, which sounds like an American Midwest College football team. He’s got a gigantic afro and he makes Louis smile. Gary likes him whilst he reminds us that he’s ONLY 16.

Derry KellyStalker next. We see his audition and he interviews that he loves Kelly and that he’ll be shattered if he says anything negative about his performance. Kelly cringes as he arrives on stage. He starts singing Price Tag. It’s far too high but he’s also out of time. Gary asks him what happened. He says that he had to fit in with everyone else. The judges make jokes about Derry rhyming with merry.

Next group! Richard Milford bores them, someone hits a bum note. A group of misfits, one of which is called Beverly Birtles, are “depressing” and what’s worse, they haven’t seen Kendro yet. Kendro do not disappoint. Alejandro Kendro sings “Forget you” in a comedy accent which is ALWAYS FUNNY. Kelly isn’t happy. Louis reassures her that it’s going to get better.

Next up is Luke Lucas. He messes it up a bit and he’s gutted. Montage of people saying how nervous they are, including Misha and Johnny Chipolata. Johnny Chipolata sings through his nose in homage to Katy Perry and forgets the words. Gary doesn’t think people should be letting their nerves get to them at this point.

The next group has Lizzie from Manchester in it. She’s little and has blonde hair. She does an excited piece to camera about meeting the judges and how amazing it all is. Kelly pretends to remember her. Marlon McKenzie does a rubbish bit. Lizzie has the talky bit on “Born this Way” and forgets the words. Gary just says “Lizzie. The words” and Lizzie just bursts into tears. The judges tell her that it’s alright. Dermot is on hand to give her comfort hugs whilst Lizzie asks for her mum. She wipes her nose on someone’s hipster scarf [ha! It would have been better if she'd thrown up into one of the many twat hats on show though - Rad].

Yet more adverts. I can’t be the only one that has issues with McDonalds being the official restaurant of the Olympics? And that new Adrian Chiles show? NO.

We’re back, and we’re STILL on rubbish group auditions. It’s 11pm. The remaining groups are making the most of their extra preparation times. A Leona clone can’t wait to go out there. Someone else is buzzing. The lovechild of Paloma Faith and Caroline Flack called Carolynne Poole [formerly Carolynne Goode of Fame Academy - Steve] hams it up tremendously to eyerolls from Kelly. Someone called John Wilding sings out the corner of his mouth, 4Real go in far too high and Melanie McCabe has an outfit on that I would have coveted when I was six and living in the eighties. The Estrelles make it far too easy for me by sounding like Kestrels (do you see what I did?) The judges love it.

Next up is Goldie, who was sick in a Morrisons bag at her last audition and her group. Louis asks if there are any Divas in the group. Goldie answers that they all are before breaking out into the funky chicken. Ashley Pridgeon [that's almost as good a name as Eoghan QUIGG - Rad] has styled himself as an Aldi Guy Garvey and tries way too hard. Marcus Collins is wearing a hipster hat AND scarf and goes in a bit high. Goldie is dancing them all into the background. Goldie’s turn to sing. She sings in Pidgin English and does the talky bit in her native language whilst rolling on the floor. Gary asks her if they were her own lyrics. She says it’s a direct translation but this theory falls down because it was the same line over and over. Goldie says he must’ve understood it because he’s a very clever man. Louis loves it and wants to see more of Goldie. Kelly thinks he’s seen enough. Gary says he was waiting for the leg. Backstage, Dermot asks Goldie if she thinks she’s done enough to get through. “I believe in you”, she answers to Dermot’s confusion. Louis says he loves Goldie madly. So do I. Barlow does a *face*.

Next group contains Samantha Cruiseship. We see her audition. She’s still SIZE SEXY but she’s wearing a turban . She’s worried that she’ll look like a whale as she’s a size 18 and the other girls are tiny. She also gives us far too much information about her bra situation. She’s going to sing to the best of her ability though. Roxy Yarnold has a name that sounds like a spoonerism and is a budget Frankie from the Saturdays and is average. Sami Cruiseship then decides to channel Matt Lucas doing Shirley Bassey (*hasn’t got the range klaxon*). She doesn’t do the key change as everyone dances in formation behind them. Louis remarks on how strange the group is. They all love Samantha Cruiseship, who doesn’t think that it’s her best performance. Samantha Cruiseship shouldn’t have had her top lip waxed so close to boot camp is all that I notice. All she can do is pray.

Eventually, we’re on the final group. It’s 1.02AM. A group called the Keys would be upset to be eliminated and they’re in a group with Jade FromFife. She thinks it’s an amazing experience to be there. Louis is excited to see Jade again. The generic one in this group is Nicole Simpson. Next up is Jade FromFife. She rocks it. The Keys add in far too many notes and don’t harmonise very well. Louis likes it though. Joe Cox sings like he’s having a seizure, but I can’t treat him because I really want to put something in his mouth and you don’t do that when someone is having a seizure. I love Jade FromFife. [You're fired. - Steve] The judges love her. Kelly calls her a beast and they all remark on how she doesn’t know how good she is. They all think that Joe is unique. YAWN. Unique in that he’s just like the million other young lads with two different haircuts on the same head in this competition.

Everyone is shunted back to Croydon. Tulisa says its 1.30AM, Louis says it’s 1.10AM. They’ve got lots of decisions to make and are going to sleep on it. Kelly remarks that it was tough, Louis has been disappointed by a few of the acts and feels a bit let down. Gary is marvelling that the people he thought were mediocre being good and the people he thought were good being mediocre. He finds this interesting. Tulisa remarks that the decisions they have to make are big because they’re changing people’s lives.

Fade to black.

Adverts! There were some adverts that weren’t narrated by Matt Berry.

Back in Croydon, we see everyone get on the bus to come back to Wembley. They’re going to be cut by Two Thirds. Terry UsedCarSalesman wants it even more. Luke Lucas didn’t expect it to be so tough. Misha wants to go all the way. The judges stand around a table and look at the acts in the groups they were singing in. Surely they didn’t have to be at Wembley for this bit. Kitty Belter doesn’t think she could’ve given more. ArseTattoo thinks it would be amazing to get through to the next stage. Janet Devlin wants it more than she thought. Derry KellyStalker thinks he could’ve done better. Kendro can’t do anything now. Little Lizzie hopes that the judges remember the audition she didn’t mess up. Tulisa and Gary agree that the lack of groups are a problem. Gary says he likes someone and Kelly tells him to shut up. Everyone’s waiting backstage to hear their fate. Kelly’s stomach is turning flips.

The groups come back onto the stage. There is a fat man with a walking stick that I’ve never seen before. There’s a speech about standing out from the group.

Luke Lucas steps forward. Kerry had high hopes. Derry KellyStalker is told he lost it. A single tear rolls down Luke Lucas’ face as he’s told he’s through. Derry KellyStalker is sent back to Burger King. Some people I don’t recognise are through, including Amelia Lilly and Soldier Boy. ArseTattoo is through but his one night stand is sent home. The Leona Clone is sent home. Honey isn’t through and tells the judges they’ve made a big mistake. Someone cries so much Kelly gives them a speech. Not even the power of Dermot can help her out. Lizzie gets ditched though is told she’s got potential. Her cries are so high pitched they can’t be heard by human ears. An Olly Murs lookalike is gutted. Someone else cries into their teddy. Kitty Belter, Tony UsedCarSalesman and Lascel BipolarMum are all through. Goldie is also through. As is Janet Devlin and Misha and her weave that makes her look like she’s in Lazytown. Biscuit boy who we have seen nothing of this entire episode is also through. Jade FromFife, The Keys, SeizureBoy and the other one from that group are all also through.

More Adverts!

It’s 8.26pm and we’re still at Wembley. Over 80 people have been sent home. Everyone sadfaces about missing their chance or wishing they could do another song or about how much they wanted it or having to go back to their rubbish lives.

But wait! There are not enough groups! And the groups are rubbish! ‘The Judges’ decide that some of the failed soloists could do well in a group and some are called back. Gary has to leave. The reason stated is family commitments but I sense that it has something more to do with the fact that this section may need some positivity. Louis thinks that there’s big potential. The voice of the group talks of everyone’s confusion. The cowardly lion is there. Tulisa comes in and explains the situation. The judges don’t necessarily see them as solo artists. She tells them that if anyone doesn’t want to be in a group they should leave. Nobody moves. A girl called Coralie doesn’t look excited enough for Kelly so she singles her out and asks her. She’s just a bit shocked.

Helen falls off her chair laughing as Tulisa says that she understands that some of them may have integrity as solo artists that they may not want to compromise, but there’s nothing wrong with being in a group as she and Kelly can demonstrate. She leans into Kelly. Kelly Rowland does not like this. Louis thinks that sometimes you’re better off in a group. They then play a gigantic game of popstar Barbie by getting people to stand next to each other and forming them into groups. Age and looks are important, claims Tulisa. That’s why she’s in a group with Dappy. The groups will then have 24 hours to prepare for tomorrow.

Back in the Arena, Louis congratulates them for getting this far. Tomorrow, they will be learning one song, MAKING IT THEIR OWN, and perform it to the full arena. The winner is on the stage! Tulisa wishes them luck.

Luke Lucas can’t believe he’s singing in front of thousands (since his last audition) Lascel BipolarMum is trying not to think about it. Mr Chipolata is feeling the pressure but thinks a cup of tea will help him out. Misha is giving up to 160% [She's currently this year's leader in the game of ridiculous percentages then? Sigh, I used to like her, too - Rad]

Tomorrow night! More Bootcamp! Making songs your own! Who’s staying? Who’s going? Why is Misha dressed up as Grace Jones?! Join Steve next time to find out.