Mary Mary quite contrary

Semi-final results
Tx: 5th December 2010

Blah blah final blah blah semi-final Alexandra BURKE Glee Black Eyed PEAS blah TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC!

Titles!

Dermot reminds us of the concept of the show, and then talks about the special guest appearances we heard about literally thirty seconds ago. He then introduces the "four glorious warriors you know as the X Factor judges". They are all dressed in black and look like they are going to some kind of vampire cocktail party. Cheryl makes bunny ears behind Simon's head, because they are THAT mature. [Except she's too short to make it work properly, so just kind of looks like she's scratching him. - Steve]

First up this evening, Alexandra BURKE, performing her new single. Prior to her singing, we get a montage of her X Factor JOURNEY, which includes a very brief clip of the epic Beyonce duet. Tonight she seems to be dressed in an oversized Angel costume from a nativity play, but fortunately this does not affect her vocals, and we can all hear how it sounds when people can sing in tune. Nice, isn't it? Then it all goes cracktacular with people on ribbons descending from the ceiling, but really, we wouldn't expect anything else. OH AND THEN ALEXANDRA FLIES INTO THE AIR AS IF SHE IS ACTUALLY AN ANGEL! Oh that was ace. She tells Dermot that if people buy her album, they too may be able to fly, and then high-fives him. I LOVE ALEXANDRA BURKE. [Me too! - Steve] [Me three! - Rad]

Some backstage bollocks - Simon is happy for Cheryl's fantastic song choice for Rebecca, except he's not and pulls a face; Mary enjoyed singing and that's all that matters, except it's not, and Louis lies that she sang every note perfectly; Lazy Decorator says You Got The Love was one of his favourite performances, and then Dannii tells the heinous lie that no other man could sing that (unless she missed off "that badly"); Cheryl says that Cher has stage presence; Cheryl and Simon bitch about One Direction's song choice and she lies that she never plays tactics; Lazy thinks Always A Woman was one of his worst performances, and Louis is tasked with reminding us that Lazy has been sick all week; Mary says she's done everything she can, so it's a shame that the "everything" didn't include "singing in tune"; Cher is very proud of herself, and Cheryl likes that she is true to what she is; Rebecca scousewibbles about something, and Louis says she stole the show; and Simon tweaks the nose of a One Direction.

Oh, fuck, time now for some mediocre karaoke, as if we don't have enough of that. It is the cast of Glee, a show I despise with actors I despise, but I know Steve likes it so he can comment on it instead. [I LOVED IT. - Steve] Although I will just point out that the girls are wearing dresses made of gold quilting. Then everyone indulges in extensive Glee product pimping. SIGH.

Ads! The Alexandra BURKE album has got her name written the wrong way round - they have it as "ALEXANDRA Burke".

We get back and Dannii and Louis are nowhere to be seen. They run back in while Simon heckles, and then both nominate Matt and Rebecca as the best ones; Cheryl liked all of them; and Simon liked One Direction. For. Fuck's. Sake.

Time for the Black Eyed Peas, who always seem to be on this show, but probably they haven't performed this series, it just seems like they have because will.i.am is always on. They sing their dreadful robot-sounding lifting of (I've Had) The Time Of My Life. Still, at least they didn't take She's Like The Wind and ruin it. That would really be sacrilege. Anyway, they are wearing perspex skullcaps and Fergie is terrible. That is all you need to know. OH AND THEY HAVE ALBUMS AND SINGLES AND TOURS AND THINGS SO BUY THEM!

Ads!

And now some results. The acts take to the stage, and Dermot announces, in no particular order, the safe contestants - One Direction, Rebecca and Matt, like you couldn't have fucking predicted that trio before yesterday's show even began. Mary is going to reprise her performance of It's A Man's Man's Man's World; Cher sneers unattractively about the stupidity of the voting public and is going to sing Everytime. Not Stay, then?

After some more ads, naturally.

Mary goes first, and shouts her song with no concept of light and shade or tonal variation or DOING ANYTHING BUT BELTING LOUDLY. She genuinely has got worse through this competition. I blame Yvie. Then Cher comes on, wiping away tears ever so subtly. Also, it is very funny that Dannii said yesterday that Cher should have done a ballad and then she and Cheryl got all snippy about KEEPING IT REAL AND URBAN AND SHIZ and now she's singing a ballad as her last-ditch attempt to stay in the competition. On reflection, I've come to conclude that I think Cher might be able to be quite a good singer with some proper training and if she reins in that dreadful tendency to force vibrato from her throat, because she does have quite a nice tone and manages to vary her volume, which is more than some people. Not yet, obviously. At the moment, she's wobbly and all over the place. Anyway, and then she cries. [Seriously - both of them could be good with proper vocal coaching. Instead, they're a hot fried mess - Rad]

So then Louis decides to send Mary through to the final because she is a "real person", and Dermot gets all weird and "we have to be totally transparent" and gets him to repeat it eighteen times in eighteen different ways. Dannii says that Cher tugged at her heartstrings and send her through [I was so willing Dannii to send Mary through just to derail this whole contrived way of getting Cher through given she clearly had the lowest public vote - Rad]. Cheryl obviously sends Cher through to the final. Simon gets a bit odd with Mary about something she said on The Xtra Factor, and finally admits that he's sending Cher through, like we didn't all know this 15 minutes ago.

Mary montage. Lots of shouting and black outfits. She tells Dermot that the highlight of the series for her was meeting the soldiers and making the CD. Louis thanks everybody in Ireland for voting for her. If you live in the rest of the UK and voted for Mary, Louis does not give a fuck about you.

So next week! Cher, Rebecca, One Direction and Lazy Decorator are competing in the X Factor final! Who will win? Find out then!