Hot and cold. And thoroughly tepid.

Second audition show
Tx: 28th August 2010

Right, suck it up, bitches, we've got four months to go yet...

Last week! The X Factor returned and pretty much everyone was crazy and/or rubbish and/or autotuned. This week, Katy Perry is the guest judge, and she makes a man take his shirt off, while wailing to Louis, "I came all the way here for this?" He lies that it will get better. She does not believe him. She is smarter than I gave her credit for.

Titles!

Cue Danny Boy on the Irish whistle, because we are in DUBLIN, which is IN IRELAND, where LOUIS IS FROM. Dermot says the whole of Ireland have turned out for the occasion. One boy claims he will be the first Irish winner; someone heckles, "No, you won't!" Louis goes on the radio to urge talented people to audition, and meanwhile the other judges eventually turn up (Simon: "this is LITERALLY Louis heaven"; Cheryl has her picture taken on people's phones; Katy Perry rocks on up and looks a bit dazed). Katy says she would like to find a diamond in the rough, and then kisses everyone. Simon bosses her about and tells her to do a British accent; she tells him she is not an actress and then knocks a chair over.

Time for Temple Fire, a boy band of almost incomprehensible odd looks. They claim they were born to be pop stars. They have white t-shirts with their name spray-painted on; they also seem to have identical t-shirts for each of the judges but they have mysteriously disappeared by the time they get on stage. These boys went to the same school as U2 or something, and claim they are different because they can sing and dance and can sell more records than Take That. I think we know how this will end, don't we? Sure enough, they place hands on hips, and start pelvis-popping to Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. It's camper than Eton Road, but much, much MUCH more tuneless. They're seriously about a fifth out the entire way through, and the choreography is like a junior school end-of-term show. Simon begs them to admit that it wasn't serious; Katy interjects by pointing at the small red-headed one and shouting, "Tell us the truth, ginger!" [*adds "redheads" to the list of minorities Katy Perry has offended* - Steve] Temple Fire's mums wonder if they shouldn't have sung and danced at the same time. It's a no. Goodbye. Simon snarls at Louis that it is ALL HIS FAULT.

Apparently Louis's reputation is on the line. I wasn't aware he still had a reputation. Incidentally, Katy Perry is raking in the royalties with this episode; her back catalogue is soundtracking everything. A man called Michael sings Madonna's Frozen in a strange falsetto; a man called Noel struts around the stage; a childcare worker Laura sings very badly; Noel is still strutting; a man dresses up as a tiger (Louis says here, "I thought he was OK!" and Katy looks at him in bewilderment, replying, "I can't believe you're a judge!"); Noel's strutting continues; and Louis whines at the camera about it not being his fault that Ireland WHERE HE IS FROM has no talent.

Break!

Katy says, "It's not good yet." Louis whines some more and Simon tells him off for following him. A young man called Stephen is a lifeguard and Katy pretends to drown in her chair. He sings Your Song at Cheryl while wearing headphones. Simon thinks the vocals were terrible and says no, everybody else says yes, though Katy makes him take his shirt off first. Sigh. Sugar Bullet are the world's dullest girl group, and Simon concurs: "watching you lot in concert would be like watching paint dry." Everyone else says yes. Recurring theme, much? Sadbh sings Beautiful Disaster in a really derivative way, but Cheryl likes it, though Simon bemoans her lack of personality. Louis castigates Simon for not giving anyone a yes: "You have to give them a chance!" Simon tells him: "No, I don't." Then an "unemployed hairdresser" called Rebecca squawks for a bit, which is enough to impress him and the rest of the cloth-eared freaks on the panel. [Was she the one in green who 'turned it all around'? My brother was all 'oh look, she'll be the good one who ushers in lots of good people'. Then he paused and said, 'maybe it'll be the next one because they're still playing the comedy music' - the comedy music being C'est La Vie by B*Witched, folks - Rad]

50-year-old Mary is FIFTY and WORKS ON A TILL while being FIFTY YEARS OLD and wanting to sing. She wanted to be like Shirley Bassey or Tom Jones - so, Welsh then? She walks on stage and tells Simon that many women have asked her to say hello to him for her. He looks bemused, and rightly so. She tells us that she did not have the courage to sing before, but now she does because everyone is behind her. Well, hooray. She sings I (Who Have Nothing) "by Tom Jones". It's OK. Melodic. Her belt seems to be quite limited. She's not the future of contemporary pop, though, is she? Louis says it was one of the most "real" auditions of the day "and Tesco will be in trouble". Cheryl says it was full to the brim of power, emotion and passion. Katy thinks Mary is brave and applauds her effort - Mary says "low self-esteem" stopped her from singing before, and in one fell swoop loses all sympathy from me. Simon says Mary has the best voice out of everyone who's auditioned so far [to be fair, that's not hard. It's nice to see someone over 40 being shown as good, even if Steve Brookstein is still the oldest winner they'll probably ever have. Being an 'over' is as much a losing game as being in a group - Rad], and more than that he likes her. Well, whoop-de-doo. Four yeses. Louis smugs about being FROM IRELAND. Katy lies that she had a great time and would love to be a judge again. Get out, Katy Perry, get out while you still can.

Break!

And now the competition goes "back" "to" "London", with just three judges. Simon is wearing his shirt entirely unbuttoned. Today's first contestant is Matt, a painter-decorator who says he is also "a bit of a bum". Does he think that's endearing? No, it makes you a scrounging twat. And then he compounds it by complaining about his job. He says he thought he'd audition this year because he felt it was his time, not because Essex boy Olly MURS did well last year. Also, he wears his hat throughout, which is a punchable offence, as is getting the song title wrong ('I'm No Good' vs 'You Know I'm No Good'). He twitches around the stage and has no presence at all, but sings reasonably well. Louis notes that there is something "quirky and likeable" about him. Three yeses.

Next auditionee is Michael Lewis, who looks like a cross between Brian Molko and Adam Ant, but actually seems to be a Michael Jackson tribute act. The spirit of Jackson speaks to him, apparently. Maybe it was him who told him to plaster his face in white powder. As Michael talks about wanting to spread love and positivity, Simon rolls his eyes in epic fashion. Michael begins to sing Rock With You, and urges the audience to clap along. They do not. He cannot sing. Simon criticises him, and Michael retorts, "Syouropinion." Louis likens him to LaToya. Michael complains that he would have done better given more time. So they give him the chance to sing Human Nature a cappella. It is still bad. The audience boo. "Where's the love? So much negativity in this room it's unreal," he carps. He tells them they have no right to judge him. Simon begs to differ. Three YOU GOT TO BE KIDDINGs. Even Dermot tells him off for being a whiny little bitch.

Next to audition are The Reason - there initially seem to be three of them, but there are actually four of them. The best-looking one is an unemployed waster who spends his time writing harmonies and lifting weights in his living room, apparently. They enthuse about JLS, and say they want to be the first group to win the competition. By the way, for those interested in this kind of thing, one of these boys, Nathan, is wearing a flat cap at a jaunty angle. The unemployed one gets a big cheer for being unemployed. Ah, the Big Society. They sing a version of Fight For This Love, with one of the ones who has a feeble voice taking the lead [and with no sign of the chorus - Rad]. Brilliantly, the audience start clapping along and have to give up within a bar because the arrangement is so "authentic". Cheryl admires the song choice and their failure to do choreography (yeah, but you can bet in three weeks' time they'll be slagged from here to DUBLIN about their inability to dance). Simon does the standard mockery about Louis managing boy bands. Three yeses. Cheryl sits there singing to herself saying, "It is a good song." Weirdo. [That'll be the malaria kicking in. - Steve]

More groups - Seven are bubbly and sing a Gaga medley (Louis witters about Glee, obviously); Husstle almost manage to get Simon to dance in his seat to their version of Walk Like An Egyptian; Princes and Rogues really distress me because of the one who's second from the left who looks like a more deranged version of Lewis Bradley.

Break!

Then quick montage of good auditions before we see Annastasia who we don't remember by sight but the name seems familiar now I type it. In 2008 she fucked up her song at judges' houses and didn't get through. Apparently she is now 21 but frankly I think she looks older than me. Anyway, she has a cute little girl and of course she is now auditioning FOR HER DAUGHTER, as is only right and proper. Simon mutters sotto voce about how "dreadful" her image is. She sings Proud Mary and Simon looks thoroughly bored before stopping her - "I've seen trannies do better than that." He makes her take her shoes off before trying a song by Adele [*Cough* Bob Dylan - Rad] instead ("a great song!" chirps Louis, like anyone is aware at all of his existence). Not that this is set up at all. [Seriously, this show needs some new tricks. It's too easy to spot the chicanery these days. - Steve] Backstage, Annastasia's little girl looks like she's about to fall asleep. The judges, however, all thought it was a million times better than the first time round, and Simon, while warning her about sounding cabaret, tells her she has a natural talent. Annastasia cannot work out whether or not she is being complimented and looks entirely confused. Three yeses, anyway. Dermot attempts to interview her while her little girl keeps demanding, "Mummy. Mummy. MUMMY!"

Oh! That's it! Thank goodness! [I know! The audition shows are mercifully short this year - Rad] Next week, more utter rubbish! Join us then!