'I say yeah ye...what the hell?'

Live show 1.
Tx 11th October

182,000 down to twelve. Blah di blah. Tonight! For the first time! They sing live!
Simon has the boys. Dannii has the overs [And seems to think this is a cricket match - Rad] – she says, ‘I’m going to win again!’ Louis has the groups; ‘Girlband!’ doesn’t sound right in the bombastic voiceover. Cheryl has the girls. ‘Britain, the wait is over! It’s time to face the music!’ This show takes itself so damn seriously, but having the T4 joke voiceover guy doing the voiceovers really doesn’t help their case.

Dermot’s suit doesn’t fit. His belly’s poking out. Plus ça change. Louis has topped up the Botox but it’s gone in his eyes, by the looks of it. They’re particularly small and weaselly today. Dannii’s wearing a weird blue bell-sleeved dress. It’s pretty, but really odd. Dermot says it’s a long long long time since Louis last won. Louis says no it’s not. Except it is.

Girlband are first. NotLouis is here! He says they’ve got to get everything right. HE will say that a lot this evening. Louis says he’s given them a challenge. They all cry a bit. The vocal coach says they squabbled. Simon says girls fighting is not Louis’s forte. If they don’t sort themselves out, they’ll go home and have only themselves to blame. The little video introductions really don’t tell you anything at all. Ever. They’re singing Venus! Fake photographers take photos of them on a fake red carpet. They have on weird puffball dresses with big glittery lips on the skirt. This isn’t really that much of a challenge, is it Louis? Louis bobs his little head along. Singing is okay. Dancing is okay. It’s not really anything amazing, but this isn’t a showstopping number. They do harmonise very well. Nice big ‘fiiiiiiirre’ at the end. It wasn’t exactly stunning, but it was fun and, I hesitate to use the word, entertaining.

Dannii says it was the campest opening to the show ever, clearly having already forgotten Komedy Kimberley doing ‘It’s Raining Men’ last year, and that it was great [To be fair, everyone's forgotten that because that show started early so no-one was watching apart from us - Rad]. Cheryl says they had the hardest job of all opening the show but they did a fantastic job and she really enjoyed it. Simon says okay, in that was of his where he says ‘o-kaay’ and clearly means shit. He gets booed and says, ‘let me finish!’ He says it was a predictable song and predictable styling. And please don’t blame them for the song or the styling, neither of which they would have had any choice in. They’re Girls Aloud rejects. Nothing new. One says they sang first one week before auditions so they think they’ve come really far. Louis says they’re great. Dermot says ‘oooh, backchat already!’. A different one says they want to stay in and sing a ballad so they can prove they’re singers. Dermot says don’t vote yet you retards.

Simon says ‘next is a singer’. Austin. He goes ‘boo hoo I was bullied. I just want to be accepted’. Shu’up. Simon says, and I paraphrase, ‘he’s a desperate freak and might crack under pressure’. Cheryl says, and I quote directly, ‘I’ve never seen anyone so desperate’. His makeover has been so rubbish. It’s Gary Numan crossed with a Czech twink porn star. It doesn’t do anything to detract from the whole ‘he’s desperate’ thing because it looks so contrived. He’s singing The Police’s ‘Every Breath You Take’. Hmmm. He’s just singing it like a ballad. There is none of the menace in it. He’s not even hitting the notes as well as he normally does. He hits the high note but wimps out of putting any power behind it. This is rubbish. He’s missing the point of the song and singing it like a ballad, not ‘I’m going to stalk you forever, bitch’ and vocally he’s not even that great. Rubbash! Louis says he looks like a popstar and if he keeps it together he’ll go far. Dannii says he makes nervous sexy. She LOVED it. Simon says it was good – Austin was at 60% of potential, so he’s excited to see what Austin can achieve. Dermot says ‘first solo act on stage’, as if that’s a thing. No. Girlband opened the show. That’s something to be nervous about. First solo act? Puh-lease. Stop trying to make me feel sorry for Austin. Austin doesn’t want to talk too much cos he’ll start crying. Everyone lols at Cryin’ Austin.

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Daniel, whose WIFE IS DEAD blah blah blah. Dannii says he has soulful tones. NotLouis is worried for him on stage because he’s a clumping mess with no stage presence. Again, I paraphrase. But not much. He’s singing I wanna know what love is. He sings all emotional eyes closed and wavy hands. Simon does NOT look convinced. He does not have the voice for this. He wants to know what love is. It’s what his DEAD WIFE had for him, of course. Louis says it was very cruise ship – Ricky Gervais singing karaoke. Ouch! But ha! Louis pronounces it ‘Gervay’. Cheryl says if it was nice guy factor he’d be going through. He looks nice in his suit. But she doesn’t know where he’d fit. Simon said ‘it was completely and utterly irrelevant’. He doesn’t think he can be a successful recording artist. [Is true, but his singing now is no different than it was in auditions. - Carrie] Dannii says he’s so brave, everything he shared, and she loves him, pointedly not talking about the vocals, or the performance, or stage presence, or really anything relevant except his bravery and by implication his DEAD WIFE. Dermot says ‘you liked it right?’ to the audience, as if that meant anything. They’d cheer for a pot of jam on a hostess trolley if the pot of jam had seen another one get broken and was traumatised by the experience. Louis says again that he looks like Ricky Gervais. Dermot says he can’t help how he looks and that Louis looks like Ricky Gervais’s dad. Being charitable to Louis, I think he meant not just the physical resemblance, but that the cheesy eye-closed bleurgh of Daniel singing is like a Ricky Gervais character, with the comedy of embarrassment cos someone’s so rubbish. Seriously. This guy would not have even got to boot camp if his wife was alive [And here I refer you to Peter Kay tonight, where one of the booted out people at 'judges houses' was brought back for the finals due to having a dead relative. The whole country knows your game, show - Rad].

Cheryl – next up, someone to prove to Louis that three years ago he lost his mind. Ha! [Oh Cheryl, he lost it way before that. - Steve] Simon says ‘I agree’. Alexandra says a bit of ‘boohoo I’m poor’, but it’s kind of justified given that she shares a single bed with her sister, but equally her home VT shows her kitchen and it looks quite spacious and nice so maybe I’m Poor is still not enough of a sob story. [Aww, remember when Chin-Eye was poor and lived in the ghetto with lovely laminate flooring? - Steve] You have to combine it with My Mum, WHO IS SINGLE, like Leon. Cheryl says she wants to give Alexandra something upbeat, cos all she’s done so far is ballads. Alexandra’s hair is scraped back and she’s wearing a silver minidress thing. Standing on a lit-up box. She looks fantastic. She’s singing I wanna dance with somebody. [Gaah, Cheryl! This song is reality show suicide, what are you doing?! - Steve] Whitney in the first week – ambitious. It goes all a bit gay disco halfway through. She really works the stage – very confident for someone so young. Vocally great, of course. Louis says she’s incredible – she looks, sings, and dances like a diva. Dannii says she’s seen Whitney sing that song and just stand and tap on the microphone, but Alexandra danced and was awesome. She gets Alex to stick her tongue out for some reason – tongue stud removed? I didn’t understand this bit. [Sticking out her tongue at Louis, who rejected her before. - Carrie]

Simon says it was an obvious choice – waits for boos that don’t come – and it was awesome, anyway, and, ‘now I want Louis to apologise’. Louis refuses to, because he’s an arse, saying ‘did I do the right thing?’ Alex says yes, I’m a better person now, a better singer, and Cheryl goes ‘And a better mentor!’ HA!! Alex tells Dermot she’ll do different things but she’s done so many ballads and wants to prove she’s got rhythm.

Why advertise the Peter Kay thing in the middle of this show? It’s a piss take of this show and all its ilk. On another channel. So weird. With the same voiceover man. So weird. [I assume Channel 4 bought the airtime there on the assumption that viewers of this show will probably want to watch a pisstake of it? Either that or hoping they'll think it's a real reality show and will be too stupid to realise it isn't until BARB's already registered them as viewers. - Steve]

JML Direct are next. They can’t believe it etc. They blah about their names and what they do but nobody gives two shits, really. Simon says they’ve got the hardest song in the world to sing. Hmm. They just have to nail it. Vocal lady says if the key change goes wrong it will all go wrong. Boyz II Men, of course [Yawwwwn. Forgive me if I have mislaid my sense of being impressed - Rad]. First boy (the wonky hair one) is VERY nasally up in his nasal at first but it improves once the rest of them join in. This is fine. I can’t find anything to say about it. It’s polished. One does a big long note. Dannii says Louis sounds like someone’s mum going ‘woo woo’ and bobs up and down. Dannii is so weird tonight, you guys. [I assume that now she knows she's guaranteed screentime after barely being seen in audition rounds, she's determined to make it memorable. I approve. - Steve] It was shaky at the beginning (yes) but they pulled it off and she loved it. Cheryl says they’re professional and consistent; it’s one of her favourite songs and she loved it. Simon says it didn’t start well – BOOOOO go the audience – and it was a crazy first song choice. But the good news is they look and behave like a group. If they get the tuning right, they’ll be the best group ever on the show. Not exactly difficult. Louis agrees they’re the best group. He knows it’s a hard song and they pulled it off. ‘Not at the beginning!’ says Simon.

Dermot says he’s reeling from Simon complimenting one of Louis’ acts. Oh, fuck off Dermot. Top of my head, when Shayne did ‘If you’re not the one’, Simon LOVED it. We learn that JLS stands for Jack the Lad Swing. I wish I didn’t know that. They’re definitely JML Direct now, because that’s just appalling.

Scott lives in Manchester with his mum and dad. He used to be a bluecoat but gave it up. That’s not a sob story, Scott. Must try harder. Simon said he wasn’t convinced – oh, another bluecoat – but once he heard Scott sing he was. NotLouis says that Scott found it difficult to walk in time with the music. Oh dear. Doesn’t bode well, does it? Notlouis says that unless he gets the moving and the singing right he’ll be screwed. Obviously, NotLouis. That’s all he says, all evening. [God, how is he still here? Someone must have had a watertight contract. - Steve] Scott’s singing that ‘I say yeah yeah’ song by Georgie Fame. What was Simon thinking?! He’s not good, but how can you be, singing this? He gets better as he goes on. Sort of. Gives a cheeky wink. This is an utter train wreck, but it was inevitable because it’s so fast it’s practically a patter song and that doesn’t show off vocals in any way. Branch out from ballads by all means, but this was just bizarre.

Louis says it was the most hideous song choice ever. Everyone boos but Louis says it’s not Scott’s fault, it’s Simon’s. BOOOO. Dannii says sack your mentor, this was dreadful. He’s awesome and sexy, but this was awful. Dannii says it was as bad as Build Me Up Buttercup last year! Ha! Naughty Dannii. We all know that the only people who were ever on this show were Leona and Leon and possibly Shayne. Don’t refer to the past! Louis asks if Scott was liking the song and he said he wanted to change it but came around to it and trusts Simon. Cheryl says it was Simon trying to avoid bluecoatness but ended up making him bluecoaty. Simon says he agrees with them and that he got it wrong and everyone boos and then realises it’s not a diss on Scott and it turns to applause. The audience are wacked tonight. They don’t know if they’re coming or going, and their Pavlovian reactions are all over the place. It’s awesome. He says he was trying to push him, but it didn’t work. And if the north of England, where you’re from, give you another chance, I promise I’ll give you a better song. Nicely done Cowell – get the regional votes in. Dermot says Scott looked like he was enjoying it, and he said he was. Dermot goes on some shit about how the audience are giving lots of support. That’s because they’re insane baying freaks Dermot, and are mostly family members of the acts.

Rachel says ‘I’ve taken drugs, I’ve committed crimes’ and this is her chance to publicly put things right. A lot more matter of fact than most sob stories. Just, ‘yeah I’ve done that, now I want to change’. It’s kind of refreshing. Rachel says the song isn’t in her comfort zones. Simon says Rachel with the right song is the one to beat, but with the wrong song is a travesty. She’s doing With Every Heartbeat! She’s wearing a foxy little suit, but kind of looks like Cee Lo. (Apparently I am completely alone in liking the suit. It was a bit Etam, I guess, but it was fine.) There’s something wrong with the sound – the music and her voice aren’t meshing. She goes ‘come on everyone!’ before the ‘and it hurts with every heartbeat’ bit. Which, no. This is not a ‘come on everyone!’ song. Simon sucks his pen and looks bored. The audience seem to love it. This was a risk and it didn’t entirely work, I think, but bravo to Dannii for giving her a contemporary song that wasn’t Amy Winebox. Louis says one of the best singers ever at the auditions. Louis says totally the wrong song. BOOOOOO. He says the 8 dancers didn’t dance, perpetuating this show’s thing of blaming the artist for the choreography [whereas NotLouis should have been out of a job months ago, yet he's whoring out his wares on Dancing with the Stars now - Carrie]. But he LOVES her. She says thank you. Cheryl says Rachel is awesome but the song was wrong. Simon says it was like ‘lemonade in a ferrari’ and Dannii had the audacity to criticise his song choice when she made Rachel sing an awful turgid piece of shit – he really SLATES the song, for about ten minutes, when everyone knows it’s awesome [I hated Simon for that, because it's clearly amazing, as you say. I think he was just angry because everyone knows there are only two contemporary songs per year allowed on this show and they must be saved for later weeks - Rad] [Either that, or any song which does not suit Simon's purposes for this show is useless in his eyes. Either way, he should've just said it didn't suit Rachel's voice and left it at that, because this was in no way the sort of disaster that Scott's performance was. - Steve]. Rachel is trying SO hard not to be a bitch, lots of ‘thank you’ and ‘taking it on board’ and stuff. It’s quite sweet. Dannii says she knows Rachel didn’t like the song, but the fact that she took it on and got the audience going proves that’s she’s versatile and smart and willing to step outside of comfort zone. Dannii is smart! Louis says please vote for her everyone cos she’ll be awesome next week. Rachel says she doesn’t want to undermine Dannii, but she didn’t like the song, but ‘I’m not being cocky, but I did work the audience, didn’t I?’ Ha! Dermot says ‘ooh, fireworks tonight! I love it!’ Shut UP Dermot. Do you have NO self-respect left?

Diana is next. Cheryl says she has a very unique voice. You can’t modify an absolute, Cheryl. Diana is scared that her first real singing ‘gig’ will be in front of millions of people. Yeah, that’s kinda intimidating. She’s doing With or Without You. She still hasn’t found a hairbrush. Pretty white shift dress. Too much eye makeup. She starts off really really bad – her low register is NOT her strength. She gets better as she goes on. She’s a weird combination of Dolores O’Riordan and Shakira, vocally. It’s a pretty, ballad version of the song with some nice strings going on.

Louis says she’s a breath of fresh air because she’s cool. Basically saying that the show is tragically unhip but she’s different because she’s vaguely modern. Well done, Lou Lou. Dannii says too many hand movements distracted from her voice, ‘which is beautiful’. People boo because there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Simon calls her marmite and people will love or hate it. The audience boos but then cheers because they can’t understand. Seriously – audience so confused tonight. Simon loved it. Cheryl says she gave her a big challenge, a big song with a male vocal, but she pulled it off.

Bad Lashes are next. Louis calls them girls from the north. Did you hear that? From THE NORTH. They then say they’re pleased he gave some ordinary northern girls a chance. They blah on about who they are and what they do, and frankly, I’ll put my effort into learning that in a few weeks when I’m convinced you’re relevant. Louis didn’t like them at first – flash to him calling them hairdressers – but changed his mind. They’re singing Must Have Been Love by Roxette. They do NOT look good. Random dresses they just picked up. This is… okay I guess. They sound a bit screechy at parts. But not out of tune screechy – cackly screechy like Sharon Osbourne looking at a young man. The end is nicely harmonised. I don’t know. It was fine. I’ll let Rad give you the real lowdown on this – she has rather strong feelings. [I let out a scream of terror when the beat kicked in and I realised what it was. I've been dreading someone massacring Roxette since this show started. To be fair, they weren't terrible other than the screechy bits, BUT the song is a HEARTBREAK song and they sang it as if they were a group of mates having a blast. Maybe Rachel should have done this - it needs a soloist with a bit of oomph and emotion. Still, maybe it'll get Roxette back in the downloads chart this week and that will please me - Rad]

Dannii liked it and says they’re good and personality will separate them from Girlband, so bring it on. Cheryl says they’re fun and spunky (dirty Cheryl) and she likes them, not just cos she’s northern too. Simon says it was like ‘eating water’ and four solo singers singing well rather than a group. (True – they did tend to separate out the lines a lot more than Girlband did.) They should tell Louis what’s going on rather than taking orders from him – he’s nearly 70! Ha! Louis says ‘you’re 50 next year, remember that!’ Oh, Louis. You are the worst at pwning, ever. ‘You’re 49’ is not an adequate retort to ‘you’re nearly 70’. Louis says they’re great and everyone in the north of England will vote for them. They say something about the fact that Simon’s already eaten water once, or something? I missed it again. I don’t get this show. [He's "used that one before", apparently - I don't remember it, but whatever, that's the sort of backchat that makes you look like douches, so badly played, Bad Lashes. - Steve]

Eoghan COMES FROM A SMALL TOWN IN IRELAND. In case you’d forgotten. Eoghan says he’s singing great big well-known song. Cheryl says he has such a little voice and it’s such a big song. Simon says if he goes, it’s Simon’s fault for song choice. I predict unchained melody. When the voiceover man introduces them, he’s giving them their full names, which is weird. And serves to remind why you shouldn’t – Eoghan Quigg! Austin Drage! These are not popstar names.

Oh god, it’s Imagine! [Fuck's sake. I hate this song - Rad] He’s got a little waistcoat on. This isn’t a big song though – I don’t know what they were talking about. It’s big, in that it’s famous and well-loved (not by me), but they were talking as if it needed some powerhouse vocals, which, no. This is dreadful. His voice is so soft. He sings every damn thing the same way, like it’s a ballad in a Disney movie. Louis says ‘I loved you and it’s not just cos you’re from Ireland’ and he has a great recording voice. Dannii says it’s official, she hates Simon. It was a great, really mature performance, and ‘do you have a girlfriend?’ See, Dannii is weird tonight. Cheryl says awesome. Simon said it was great, it ‘just worked’ and he’s very proud of Eoghan. I fucking hate this little munchkin but he’s not going anywhere until the top three.

Dermot says Simon has been humble this evening. Simon says when you get it wrong, you get it wrong, and when you get it right, ‘like I just did’, you get it right. Dermot and Simon waffle on about some shit.

Ruth is next. We hear about her being Spanish. Again. Some more. She sells holiday homes. ‘My job is all right, but it’s not what I want’. That’s no good sweetie. Sob story! Improve it! Your job must make you hate yourself! She’s singing Take My Breath Away. In Spanish. Really Dannii? Bringing that trick out so soon? She looks great. White dress, big curly hair, enormous tits. One of the most vocally solid performances of the night, I think – nothing stunning, but very consistent. She trails off on a couple of notes, but it sounds more like a stylistic thing than a running out of breath thing. Louis says it was romantic, over the top, diva, great, but he doesn’t know if English people will like it. They’ll like it in Benidorm. Shut up, Louis. Cheryl says ‘sexy senorita!’ and says it was great. Simon says ‘you’ve certainly made an impression on me Rachel’ and everyone says ‘Ruth!’ and Simon says ‘I can’t even speak!’ He says she has charisma. By which he means breasts. And she’s a real woman, (by which he means, ‘has breasts’) which Louis wouldn’t understand. Louis goes ‘oh, I get it! You fancy her!’ Late to the party as ever, Walsh. Simon’s like obviously, you twunt. He wants to see more Spanishness. Dannii says she wants to see more of her rock chickness. Simon’s like ‘no!’ Dannii says you can’t have sexy senorita every week and Simon, genuinely confused, says ‘why not?’

Laura is last. She’s a full time student. Her dad runs a nut and bolt business and her mum runs a beauty salon. Wanted to sing since she was a girl. Simon says she’s great but can she cope? Laura says she hopes her confidence doesn’t go. She’s singing Alicia Keys’s Fallin’ [aka the song everyone did in auditions the other year - Rad]. She squeals for the first note. She’s showing off her range, by which I mean going all over the shop, even more than the song demands. She’s pulling it off, for the most part. She sounds like a dude on her high notes. That’s what’s been bothering me – her top notes sound like male falsetto. Not necessarily a bad thing, but odd. This was actually pretty good. [She is also wearing the worst dress ever, which is too tight and makes her bulge in all the wrong places - Rad]

Louis says there are three or four girls in your category, but you’re up there. Which, what? [There are three, Louis. Same as the number of acts in your category. Same as the number of acts in everyone's category right now. This is really not complicated. - Steve] He loved it. Dannii says it’s the bomb, ‘or tha baaaaaamb’, rather. Simon wasn’t sure if she’d cope, but taking everything into account it was ‘outstanding’. Simon says she’s why he still likes doing the show in this country so you can discover people like her; she’s got a potentially amazing future. Cheryl says she can’t believe someone so amazing is so insecure, and it was briiilllyunt. Dermot’s like, you happy? Laura’s like ‘I get so nervous and I want to thank my daddy.’ Wuh? Dermot says ‘isn’t this show great?!!!!!!!’ some more. Gives all the numbers.

Recaps of performances: Girlband being…fine and a lot of fun. Austin being a wimpy streak of piss and missing the point entirely. Dead Wife Daniel being a sucking gaping void of personality filled only by a smile. Alexandra owning and looking stunning. JML Direct being perfectly serviceable. Scott being sweet and completely doomed, the poor wee thing. Rachel being great but weird. Diana being better than I expected. Bad Lashes being kinda weird in mismatched dresses. Eoghan being a rancid little runt but a lock for the final. Ruth having breasts and being vocally very solid. Laura taking on something too big and pretty much managing it.

Tomorrow we get an exclusive performance of Leon’s new single. Hold me the fuck down. Oh, god, not tomorrow! Tonight! Mother fucker. I thought I was finished.

Results show

EARLIER TONIGHT!! All the stuff you saw! As you know, the bottom two will sing off. But there’s a twist! That we will reveal later! ‘Oh, come on!’ says Dermot. ‘It’ll be good!’ Oh, Dermot. Recaps of all the performances. Again. Some more.

Dermot says ‘a young shy little creature’ from Scotland auditioned blah blah blah. The nation fell in love with him. Speak for yourself O’Leary. Big big recap of Leon’s Journey through the show. Also shows Dermot saying ‘the winner is … Leon’ and not ‘the winner is … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Leon’ like actually happened.

Simon says he thinks Leon’s got a fantastic future, but doesn’t mention making sure it will happen like he did for Leona. Leon’s new song is shit and boring. He still has absolutely no charisma or stage presence at all. His voice still strains when it’s pushed remotely. This song has no melody. He’s twitching all over the place. The song rhymes ‘only’ with ‘honey’. No. He jerks and bops and twitches like he’s trying to shake off a bit of shit from his arse without touching it.
Dermot says Leon’s been eating his vegetables and is looking buff. Still confused as to why people think you’re gay, Dermie-kins?. Dannii says she’s proud. Leon plugs the song and the forthcoming album. Or something. You know how much the boy mumbles.

Lines are closed! Don’t vote! Adverts!

For the first and last time, all the judges and all the contestants come on stage to hear the results. Carmina Burana plays. I really really wish they wouldn’t do that. It doesn’t fit. Just compose some bombastic music if you want. Rah.

No particular order…First safe…. Is……. JML Direct. Second…. Diana. Cheryl goes mental. Rachel. Everyone seems very pleased. Austin. Ruth! Goes a bit mental. Laura. Daniel. All Dannii’s are through. Dermot reminds us it’s no particular order. Eoghan is safe. Alexandra is safe. Of course. And thank fuck. All Cheryl’s are through. Final act safe is Scott! Christ, I did not see that coming. I guess Simon copping to the rancid song did the trick. So it’s a battle of the girlbands. Louis totally did split his own vote by putting them both through. I almost feel sorry for him. They were the best acts, so should have gone through, but this was inevitable. One of the members of one of the bands says it’s a shame.

Dermot’s Shock! Twist! is that all the acts get to choose a song for their final song, not the one they did before. Girlband are doing That’s What Friends Are For. Cos they’re friends and stuff…. Dermot totally cuts her off while she’s explaining. Ryan Seacrest would have managed that far more professionally. Bat For Lashes are doing Wonderwall, cos that got them through.

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Dermot asks Louis how he feels. He’s upset, cos they’re both great and that’s why he put them through. Simon gets in a bit of snark about why they should both resign from Louis as mentor and he snarks about Simon choosing the awful yeah yeah song.

Girlband are first. Their solo bits aren’t particularly grand but they do harmonise very well. But this really isn’t a ‘my last chance!’ song. It doesn’t show what they can do enough, I think. I don’t know what to say – it’s fine.

Bad Lashes sang Wonderwall at Louis’s home. Louis doesn’t know what to say. This is a lot better than Girlband. It’s very interesting, and it honestly has been made their own. It’s kind of a vaguely creepy ballad. Haunting, is perhaps the word I’d used. They’ve done a lot of work with the vocal arrangements. Two part harmonies, and ‘ooohs’ and stuff. They build to a really big ending and pull it off with aplomb. I really liked Girlband, but on the strength of this, Bad Lashes have to go through.

Simon says they were both ‘shocking’. No they weren’t Simon, shush. Louis says ‘you’ve never had a successful girlband’. Dermot says ‘now is not the time for petty squabbling.’ YES! Well done Dermot, you’ve just clawed back a tiny shred of your dignity. Simon sends home Bad Lashes. Cheryl says she respects them both. Sends home Girlband. Dannii is in tears almost. ‘Do I have to?’ she asks. Dermot’s like yuh-huh, course you do. She saves Bad Lashes. Louis saves Girlband to make it go to public vote. He says he’s loyal to them both and doesn’t want to choose. On the public vote….. Bad Lashes go home. What? The? Fuck? Oh, Louis. You messed up bad. They kind of wail and go crazy. Girlband hug them and stuff, ignoring Dermot’s instructions to get the fuck off the stage. He really is appalling at stage managing this show. Seriously dude, watch some tapes of Ryan Seacrest.

We see Bad Lashes best of. Which isn’t really anything, given the length of time. How sad. They were genuinely getting better and better as time went by.

Next week Cheryl performs with Girls Aloud and the contestants sing Michael Jackson songs. That should be…interesting.