Do you know the way to St Tropez?

Judges' houses, part deux
Tx Sunday 5th October

Last night! People sang! For a place in the FINAL 12! Tonight! It's decision time, as the finalists are revealed! Expect bitching and weeping!

Titles!

Dermot welcomes us to The X-Factor - "People of Britain, get ready to find out who's in the final 12." He reminds us what happened last night. The girls went to Cannes with Cheryl, the boys to Barbados with Simon, the old people to St Tropez with Dannii, and the groups to Ireland with Louis, much to their disgust. Lots of people cried, then the judges and their lovely assistants had to do deliberating.

The next morning, people wander round looking nervous. In Barbados, it is the Moment Of Truth for the boys. They are all being self-deprecating. Simon says it was harder than he thought (snigger) but he made the right decisions for the right reasons. Scott is first in. He took "a massive gamble", remember, by leaving his job. He sobs like a toddler at the thought of having his Dream taken away from him. Simon smiles at him. "It's not nice, is it?" he asks. "I was as disappointed as you were yesterday," he continues, and is generally scathing before telling him that he has made the final three. Scott throws himself at Simon, and then bounds around like Tigger before hugging Dermot.

The three children in the boys' category are waiting for their news now. Eoghan says the experience has been amazing, and if he got a yes today, he would put his town on the map. HAHAHA. He would be devastated if it was a no, because fame is all that matters. Mali doesn't want to go back to being an ordinary schoolboy, because fame is all that matters. Liam really wants to go through, because fame is all that matters. Shallow little bastards.

Simon says that when Mali sings well, he is brilliant; other times he is so off-key it's like a different song. Liam doesn't have enough light and shade, but he looks like the perfect pop star. Eoghan was so good in boot camp but blew it in Barbados. Simon's decision - it's a no for Liam, a no for Mali and a yes for Eoghan, who rings his mum, and she squeals. [And really, you put through the weakest of the children, simply because he looks four years younger than his actual age, and grandmas and eleven year old girls will coo at him - Rad]

So it's down to Austin and Alan. Filler of clips from auditions. Austin speaks of his journey. Everyone cries. Fuck's sake. Alan cries in front of Simon, who tells him he's a decent guy, but yesterday's singing was simply OK. However, nobody would try harder, which is true; if you're going to whore out your childhood traumas for a place on TXF live shows, you'd probably do anything to stay there. Anyway, it's a no for him. Therefore, it's a yes for Austin, who Simon thinks can be "desperate", but is still "fantastic". He cries. Dermot hugs him. Austin witters on about working so hard and not being able to believe it, then rings his mum and whimpers at her. Ugh. [On the one hand, it's good that they didn't do the contestants arriving home thing this year, because seeing them come home and say they failed is just evil. BUT on the Xtra Factor, they showed the winning people doing that bit anyway, with the family all pretending not to know, despite the fact we saw the contestants phone home, so the show just revealed how much of a tapestry of fakery it is. Not sure showing that was wise - Rad]

Dermot talks to Dannii, who is wearing a lovely blue dress. First to get the big news are Louise, Ruth and James. Ruth talks about her Dream, and cries. Oh, Ruth, I so want to like you, but you should put a cork in the weeping. James says it's the biggest day of his life. Louise talks about her journey and cries. Sigh. Dannii admires Ruth's passion and emotion, but is concerned about her capacity to cope with the live shows; she likes James's performance and looks; she thinks Louise represents the whole competition, but she sucked yesterday. James isn't going through. He hugs Dermot. Louise isn't going through. She hugs Dermot. Ruth is going through, and then she cries even more. Ruth, I would seriously recommend trying to get a grip on yourself, seeing as you've just been told off about it. Dermot picks her up and swings her round.

Rachel has been a loathsome unprofessional cow, and now her future is apparently riding on what Dannii Minogue and Emma Bunton think of her. (What do Social Services think of Rachel fucking off to do this show, do you think? Maybe she's written a letter to them saying "ZOMG I am DOING THIS FOR MY KIDS".) Dannii smacks her down about her attitude, but decides that she will go through anyway.

Suzie doesn't want Dannii to say no. Well, duh. Daniel talks about his journey, and yet again we see the clip of his audition and Cheryl's little face. Dannii tells Suzie she is beautiful and sings beautifully but her lack of dead relatives mean that she cannot progress, and tells Daniel that he will move people because his wife is DEAD, and thus he is going to go through.

In Ireland, which is where Irish people like Louis are from, the groups are awaiting the decision. Louis is certain he has picked "the right three people", apparently forgetting which category he has this time round and he needs to pick three GROUPS. JLS and Priority have to stand in front of Louis and hear him talk about journeys and potential and general inanities. He isn't putting Priority through, and does a stupid fake-out with JLS, who are going through. Girl Band are next in, and they are through too. The room becomes a mass of hair extensions and runny mascara as they run round screaming. 4Instinct think this is the most important day of their lives. When Louis first saw them, he thought they were fantastic, but since then they've been rubbish, so they're not going through. One of them cries, because she is sad that they wanted it so much and they didn't get it. I wish people would realise that wanting something isn't enough; they have to be GOOD. So we have a contrived battle of the north-east girlbands for the final spot, between Desire and Bad Lashes. Louis justifies himself by saying that he did what he thought was right, and he puts Bad Lashes through. [Because Desire are shit. Also: whilst I question the wisdom of two girl groups going through, Louis was the only judge who put the best three acts from their category through. I can't believe I am agreeing with him - Rad]

In Cannes, Dermot and Cheryl are dangling their legs in the swimming pool. Heh. Annastasia is first to hear the verdict of the Girls Aloud jury. Cheryl tells her that she has an infectious personality, but yesterday was a disaster, and that worries her, so she can't take her any further. She apologises a lot and holds her hand and gives her hugs, then Dermot takes over. Hannah's eyelashes continue to be weird, as is Diana's hair. Hannah isn't through, but Diana is. Hannah doesn't even want a hug from Dermot, and Diana appears to have an embolism as Cheryl breaks the good news; "I really believe in you, Diana, let's have some fun!" she beams, and then claps at her. Bless! Cheryl tells Laura that she's loved her from day one, but has a problem with how specific an artist she is. Que? Laura looks gobsmacked. But hey, she's through anyway, so it's OK.

It's between Amy and Alexandra for the last place. Amy never expected to get this far. Perhaps she's not watched this show before and doesn't realise the way these things work, but I doubt that, seeing as she's talking about her journey like a pro. Alexandra does not want to fail again, and wants someone to get where she's coming from and to understand how much she wants this. Amy hiccups her way through her little pep talk, and Cheryl strokes Alexandra's arm, telling her, "I didn't want to be the person to do this to you again." But of course she's NOT going to, it is an ace-as fake-out, and it's little Amy who's going out. She rings her dad and apologises, and he rightly tells her off for saying sorry. Alexandra wails like a banshee and throws her head onto Cheryl's bosom, and proceeds to hyperventilate at Dermot.

So next week it's the first live show. Oh, yes, bitches. Laura, Diana, Alexandra; JLS, Girl Band, Bad Lashes; Ruth, Daniel, Rachel; Eoghan, Scott and Austin. Join us then!