Bad singers army (part 2)

Programme 8: 30th September 2006

Earlier on, lots of people were average, and some were a little above average. Judging by the teaser, people will continue to be average, and some will be drastically below. Hooray!

Kate welcomes us back to boot camp. We get recaps from earlier, but you don't need to know about those. The categories were set a challenge to learn a song overnight, but the 16-24s have to perform in groups of three. Montage of lots of people (in all categories) staying up all night to rehearse, but the Neroni Brothers (aka The Brothers 2) have gone to sleep without rehearsing at all, despite Louis's earlier warning to give 100%.

Ad break! Already! That was, like, two minutes of new footage. Feel the quality!

We're back to Simon's boot camp, where Kate reminds us that they have to sing in threes, although they will be judged individually. Harry is excited about singing in a three because she was used to it in Eskimo Blonde. Her group sing a sort of swing version of '...Baby One More Time', and Simon criticises the "ghastly arrangement" and points out that he only heard Rochelle singing lead, so it didn't work for two of them. Oops! They did it again. Outside, Harry bitches "he wanted us to be in a group but somehow still give a solo performance. I don't really know what he expected." Hmm, now I think I see what went wrong in Eskimo Blonde. Also, somebody's clearly taken some classes at the Rudy School of Blame-Shifting. We see lots more people fucking up, including Rudy (hooray!), and Ashley's group, who fluff their words. "Guys, if that happens on a live show, we're all screwed," Simon informs them. And having seen Melissa McGhee "hoping [her] recognition nishes" and Katharine McPhee "itching like a girl in a fuzzy tree", it's not outside the realms of possibility, although you can cover it up.

Simon takes another drastic measure of dismissing people without warning. Rudy is one of them. Hooray! Don't worry, Rudy, it couldn't possibly be your fault that you went home, because nothing ever is. Don't let the door hit your massive sense of entitlement on the way out or anything. I think Rochelle goes as well, which kind of flies in the face of Simon's comment from earlier, especially when he puts Harry through. Sean, Ashley and Raymond are also put into the final 14. Ray gets his own special segment about how determined he is to get through - and I wonder why he doesn't call on Bernie Nolan for some help, since she used to be a popstar and was his mum in Brookside. It's interesting how he gets the "it's so difficult with so little time to rehearse" angle, despite the fact that he doesn't appear to have any less time than anyone else. Ray goes in to sing 'Easy Like Sunday Morning' and forgets the words, so has to get a prompt from his pocket. He goes outside and huffs over his own bad performance with Kate. Montage of other people failing, including Leona and Samantha (I think).

Sean's up next, and battling his nerves as ever. He attempts to sing 'Beautiful', but keeps fluffing his words. As Sean takes his shamefaced exit, Simon admits to Sinitta that he's "never, ever willed someone to do well so much in all my life". Awww. Simon has a heart, everyone! But don't tell too many people, it'll ruin his reputation. Bizarrely, Leona is up next, again, somehow, singing 'Hero'. Sloppy editing, or have I just had some kind of stroke? Or were there two girls called Leona and Leonna? That's starting to ring a bell. She actually does a good job on the song, even though there's too much melisma for my taste. Montage of people I don't recognise, and I'm going to need a macro for that soon. Nikita is the last one in, and we also get a quick recap of her tragic, losing-mum-to-cancer story. She sings 'Hero', and gets the words wrong. Montage! Harry thinks she's going home, Samantha wants to do well for her kids, Simon picks the final seven.

Who's through? Not Harry. Not Samantha, either. Not some people I don't recognise. Leonna is in the final seven. So is Nikita, who knows her mum is watching her. Three other people I don't recognise get through, two more people I don't recognise don't get through. Ashley is in the final seven. So is Sean, despite not having finished one song since arriving at boot camp, according to Simon. Doesn't that mean we've got our seven now? I guess so, because Raymond doesn't make the cut, and cries. "Suddenly", and in a manner which I am sure has not been contrived to add drama, Simon decides they've made a mistake and that they shouldn't have got rid of Ray, so he gets up, leaving a stunned Sinitta at the desk, and decides to have a final eight. He has a word with the producers, who agree that they will allow Sharon and Louis to have a final eight also, and Kate runs off to find Ray, who is nonchalently leaning against a bookcase. Simon breaks the good news to Ray and hugs him. It's kind of cute, dammit.

We're back at day two of Boot Camp au Louis. Everyone's knackered, but Louis gives a pep talk to tell everyone not to mess up. First up are 4Sure, who are determined to give a kickass performance. They sing 'Up Where We Belong' quite well and impress the judges. More auditions. There are some interesting song choices here including 'Don't Cha' and 'Take Your Mama'. Identical are planning their choreography for 'Don't Cha' in the loo. Man, I'd forgotten these two were even here. Their interpretation of the song does include, somewhat interestingly, the line "don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like me". Um...that'd be a no. The Unconventionals are feeling the pressure, because Drew keeps forgetting his words. Their version of 'Don't Stop Me Now' is shambolic, but cute. Drew thinks he's just blown it for them. Awww. It's a shame, because one of them is wearing a lovely jumper. The Dolly Rockers admit they don't think they're strong enough today, apparently ignoring the fact that they weren't strong enough yesterday. We learn the new names for the offshoots of The Brothers: The Neroni Twins and The Adjae Brothers (apologies for any spelling errors included in there, but these are my best guesses). Bet they took ages coming up with those. Mind you, One True Voice was already taken. The Adjae Brothers are happy about being a duo, and their performance of 'Up Where We Belong' goes well, though they sound tired. The Neroni Twins barely practised, and I think one of them says he'll be very disappointed if the other duo goes through. How positively sporting of him. Louis asks how long they spent rehearsing last night, and CJ admits they didn't rehearse at all. They fudge their first attempt and ask to start again, but their second attempt is passable. They hope that Louis will see their talent, but Louis thinks they're too preoccupied with their image and sunglasses.

Eton Road and Avenue are the last two groups to go in. Avenue are up first, and give a spirited rendition of 'Don't Stop Me Now', and Eton Road rather fluff their version of 'Up Where We Belong', including Crazy No Longer Mohawked Guy completely missing a note, but they end well. Evie's not convinced they're up to it if they fall apart that easily. Louis, Kian and Evie make a decision on their final eight. There's no phonecall from a producer to inform them of the new rules, so the bootcamps weren't held at the same time, then. Which makes sense, given that Kate Thornton does not, to the best of my ability, possess the ability to teleport, thus explaining how she's able to be present at each of them. Identical go home, but Louis tells them he still loves them. Aww. The Unconventionals go through. A three-piece boyband go home, and the Dolly Rockers go through. Egad. Avenue go through. Louis tells Eton Road that they were a disaster today, but he puts them through anyway. A three piece girlband goes through, as do the McDonald Brothers and 4Sure. The Neroni Twins go home, and the Adjae Brothers get through. There is some awkwardness outside when the former members of the Brothers discuss their relative fates, but I'm so over that already.

We're back at Sharon's boot camp, and her 16 remaining candidates are preparing their songs overnight. Kerry is the first one in, and hopes that having got this far proves that disability is becoming a thing of the past. She sings 'You Don't Have To Say You Love Me', and it sounds nice. Outside she tells Kate how much she's enjoying it, but Adrian notes she's not as strong a singer as some of the others. 26-year-old student Dionne sings 'Without You', and it's very OTT and a bit strangulated in places. Mark liked that she lost herself into her own world and brought him into the song. Adrian likes her, but Sharon's not convinced. Jonathan doesn't want to go home, but his next performance is a little ropey. Sarah twitches her way through 'Maggie May'. LongHairDude proves his versatility by RAWKING his way through 'Maggie May'. Somebody horribly oversings 'Without You' and shatters my eardrums. Her name is Tina, apparently. I don't remember her from earlier at all, but that doesn't mean we didn't see her. Hospital worker Robert looks a little nervous on stage, and fluffs his intro. He sings with his eyes closed a lot, and struggles through the song. Sharon's very frustrated with him. Katie is up last, and terrified. I quite want her to go through so we can have an aunt/niece battle in the finals, that would be fun. Katie sings 'You Don't Have To Say You Love Me', and it sounds very nice, I think, although she mucks up some of the words. Mark likes her singing, but feels she needs to work on her nerves. Sharon was disappointed and thinks she performed better yesterday.

So who's through to the final eight? Not Sarah, sadly. Dionne goes through and howls with joy. Robert gets through as well, and thanks Sharon a lot. LongHairDude, Tina, MatureLady and Jonathan are all staying. So is Kerry, and Mark and Adrian carry her wheelchair back up the stairs. Pick a more accessible venue next time, Sharon! Katie says that she'll be happy about going home because she feels she's done well to get this far. Sharon says that makes her feel better about what she has to say, and tells Katie that she's through. Katie looks like she's going to throw up, and runs out of the room, just remembering to throw out a quick "thank you!" as she hurtles out of the door. Heh. I like Katie.

Next week: Simon takes his lot to Miami, Louis takes his to Ireland, and Sharon takes hers to The Dorchester Hotel. Another double bill, and the final four for each category is revealed. How exciting! Maybe.