The not-so-Big Reunion

Auditions week 3 - September 14 2013 

Welcome back! I feel I owe Helen a massive favour because she swapped duties with me, which means she gets to do another recap of the oh-so-exciting live auditions whilst I get the surprisingly tolerable room auditions [Yes you do. Tedious - Helen]. Last year! James Arthur mumbled his way to another brunette white bloke win! And apparently he has a new single coming out at last! This year the show demands a female winner, and to that end, last week we saw that it’s going to be a vagina party at boot camp; yodelling is the new black and no groups are any cop at all. (I typed that before I saw this episode. It's as if the producers made this episode specifically to show me. Or maybe they're just vaguely theming them and it'll be boy-heavy next week)

Dermot welcomes us to That London and That There Manchester simultaneously by the looks of things (he doesn't specify but I see tubes and Old Trafford); Gary sounds about as unenthusiastic as it’s possible to be about the talent so far, the judges get their makeup done, and we’re off!

We begin with Kingsland, a boyband who look quite frightening: there’s one who looks like Marcus Collins with the hair of Leanne Little Mix; another one that appears to be the unfortunate result of a gene-blending experiment betwixt Olly MURS and Chesney Hawkes; one who is a bit melted plastic looking and is even creepier than Puppet-face George from last year who has borrowed one of Nick Grimshaw’s two haircuts; one who has borrowed the face of Jesse from Breaking Bad, the other of Nick Grimshaw’s two haircuts and your mum’s shirt from 1991, and their mate who is forever destined to be the other one. They found each other via ‘YouTube and social media sites’. So happening! They have terrible jobs in bars and restaurants but pull sickies to rehearse like this is a thing to be proud of. They share rooms to ‘save money’ and it gets awkward when they want to ‘bring a girl back’ – at which they all laugh.  In your face, show's gay panic!

Some runners bring the judges water with straws and take tea orders. The boys bound into the audition room (backdrop: That London) and say they want to be as big as Take That… or Five. They’re doing ‘Don’t You Worry Child’ replete with guitar. Chesney MURS takes lead vocal despite perhaps being the least attractive. Marcus LITTLEMIX and Jesse GRIMSHAW get solos, with the plasticface playing guitar and the other one being, well, the other one. Sharon calls Chesney MURS ‘Lily Allen’ for… reasons [it was because he was wearing a hat. Obviously. - Steve] and says she likes them but they’re a mess. Gary says they’re… ‘cool?’ and Nicole wonders if they’ve found a group where everyone can sing. Well, except probably the other one, but he’s forever destined to stand at the end of the line looking a bit uncomfortable. Louis says there’s something great if they work hard. Four yeses and they bundle out.

Next up, another group (backdrop: Birmingham). It’s a soul group who look a bit like No Doubt circa 1994 called ‘Brick City’. It’s unusual for this show to have a vocal group of three men and a woman and they’re OK although doomed to go in week one if they get to live shows. Four yeses, though.

We’re now on our third group which means we’ve seen as many groups in the first ten minutes of the show as we have in the whole of the past four episodes put together. It’s Rough Copy (backdrop: London), who got through last year but were ejected due to visa issues. They’re doing ‘Do it Like a Dude’ and it’s a bit sloppy and contains lots of arrogant judge baiting and because the judges can never resist people singing their names, it’s four yeses.

Next up (backdrop: Manchester) – and may I say what a pleasant surprise it is to have got this far without adverts or sob stories – a boy/girl duo, always a classic X-Factor staple. They’re called Ryan and Lydia, sorry, Liddia, who are from Blackpool, and appear to be fans of late-80s style clothing and matching orange tans. Their ‘Shooting Star’ is a complete tuneless mess and Sharon says ‘this is a joke, you’re winding us up’. They say that they are serious but I’m not sure I believe them after ten series of bad auditions, and suspect they’re here just to be on telly. Nicole says she might go out partying with them ‘except I’m not sure I want to do that either’. Heh. Ryan asks if they’re shamazing and she says they’re shamazeless. Louis says they’re deluded and Gary is also not a fan, funnily enough. Ryan says he could say that Gary was past his time, ‘but I’m not going to, because I like you.’ Stealth bitching is an art, Ryan, not sure it’s one you have mastered yet. Gary calls him a ‘wasp at a picnic…just a noise’. In the white glow of the audition afterlife they half-heartedly moan and go away again. This white glow thing. No booth of bitterness, is it?

Ads! (A respectable 15 minutes in) Why is that Barny yoghurt thing spelled Barny and not Barney? It troubles me.

We’re welcomed back 'to the X Factor’ which is taking in place everywhere at once this week. Louis presents Sharon with some horrible toy of her, circa Osbournes-era. 16 year old Giles Potter from Worcester is our next contender and he is chirpier than a cheep cheep. He has wanted to audition since he was 12 but he was always too young. His ‘Price Tag’ (backdrop: Birmingham) is a bit all over the place, pretty nice in parts, out of tune in others but he shouts out Gary’s name because he knows the judges are a sucker for such things and generally he is entirely adorable, even though you just know this show will ruin that and turn him into a hideous monster. [Indeed. I thought he was really sweet, which almost made me root for him not to get through so the show couldn't ruin it. - Steve]  Also adorable? His dad singing along to the video in the waiting area. Louis thinks he is very likeable, Nicole wants to squeeze his cheeks, Gary says his personality will make him a contender and he gets an easy four yeses and Nicole christens him her ‘little Gi-Gi’. Dermot gets the waiting crowd to cheer for him.

Dermot says that ‘up and down the country’ people are trying to impress.  Cue a mini-montage! 19-year old Lydia Lucy (Manchester) does an OK ‘Mamma Knows Best’. Sharon says she’d be good in a girl band and Louis agrees. She gets four yeses [She was far too bloody shouty for my liking. - Helen]. Nicholas McDonald (16, Newcastle I think?). His ‘You Raise Me Up’ is bland but OK and everyone except Gary sends him through.

Steph Woods (20, Manchester) was rejected by Sharon in 2007 when she was 14 and walks in crying. She’s working in Gran Canaria as an entertainer and says that if she doesn’t get through this year, it’s not meant to be, which is more philosophical than some people, hey Jade RICHARDS and Melanie MCCABE? Her ‘Run’ is decent for the most part if not perfect and she seems quite sweet. Gary and Nicole say there are a few areas where her tuning needs work but they like her. Sharon cries about sending her home before and Stephanie says ‘if you put me through I’ll win it for you’. Sharon laughs ‘You know I’ve never won!’ in a moment of self-awareness I’m actually very grateful for. (Sidebar: Gary is coming very close to equalling Sharon’s record as WORST MENTOR EVER and it would almost be worth a Sharon victory just for him to claim that title as his own). Nicole says there must be something about her to make Sharon cry because she’s never seen Sharon cry. Or, by virtue of that fact, any of the first four series of this show. Four yeses and a hug from Sharon who feels ‘so old’. Louis: ‘you are.’ [I want to feel positive about Steph, but the people that Sharon thought were better than her in 2007 were Komedy Kimberley, Drain-Circler Alisha, and Lady Shivers, and I can't get that out of my head. - Steve]

Ads. They’re still trying to shill that bloody app. [Maybe one of this year's sob stories can be "I don't have a smartphone so I can't be the fifth judge"? - Steve]

We’re welcomed back with a blast of Boy Meets Girl’s ‘Waiting for a Star to Fall’ which is one of the best songs ever, fact fans, and also a foreshadowing of some duff auditions, I suspect, because THEY’RE ABOUT TO FALL, do you see what they did there? The judges are looking for ‘a star’ – cue people saying who they can be as big as. Highlights include mad woman saying ‘G4’ and a man with glitter all over his face saying ‘Olly MURS’. 33-year old Samantha Harper (Cardiff) does a very strange sheep-like rendition of ‘Sweet Dreams’ (the Beyonce one) to four noes. Gary says it’s ‘about to get better’, but what’s this? By the magic of editing, we’re whisked to Manchester where J-Koda, a twat in sunglasses, wants to be onstage with Jay-Z, Kanye West and Eminem (aka the three rappers even your nan has heard of). He jumps up and down, shout’s ‘Dubstep’ and flails around with all the desperation of someone whose lifelong desire is to be one of those people they bring out in the annual parade of the mental at the final. They haven’t done that for a while, but hey, it’s back to basics this year, so I wouldn’t put it past them resurrecting it. He then offers to sing ‘Cry Me a River’ by Mickey Bubbles with whom no-one has ever associated that song. He does one line and is sent packing, declared a TF-‘Zee’ (Talent Free Zone) by Funsponge who has forgotten that he’s not American. Aron Dale, “24” [He's about as 24 as me - Helen], who fancies himself as a Harry Styles lookalike, if we’re thinking of Harry Styles as imagined by Louis Tussauds, does an atonal and disinterested ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ (still Manchester). Gary says he didn’t even know what that song was, and that song’s been on the radio for two years. Not sure that made sense, but anyway. He walks out into the toilet and Nicole tells him that the toilet is the other door as Sharon collapses in a fit of giggles behind her script/running order.

In London, Gary wants to see a serious talent who people will love and respect – cue crazy Heather, with the stage name Souli Roots. She wants to be as big as Bob Marley and has a huge grin and a bright red afro. She’s written a song about the recession and says ‘Great Britain and the world is waiting to hear this’. She wants to give the Prime Minster advice, which basically boils down to ‘recession, don’t worry about it.’ She says she writes 3-4 songs a day. Her lyrics are about having lost a job and not being able to afford things. It’s an atonal mess but she’s this show’s kind of fun so the audition goes on longer than anyone else’s tonight. Louis loves her, because: Louis. Nicole thinks she’s fun and they both give her yeses. Gary says no and Louis baits Sharon that she needs another yes and thus we have our first possible comedy finalist of 2013, folks. Quite restrained of them to wait until week three. [For all of Gary's whining, I actually thought she was a better singer than several people who've had the "you're a briliant talent, just what this show's looking for" edit so far. - Steve][I actually wanted to watch her, which is more than I can say for most of the people on here - Helen]

Ads. That Jesus Christ Superstar arena tour is still going? Is that thing that won ITV’s abomination of a reality show in it? Back in Birmingham and 25-year old bus driver James McDonald says this is ‘all or nothing’. His Lately is very sub-Andy Binman and he cries afterwards and earns four yeses and a mob of women running in. In Manchester Louise Harper, a children’s party planner (34), does a guitary, mumsy ‘Jolene’ and goes through.

Our final act of the night (in London) are a boy band who would look old even if they were on The Big Reunion (except if they were stood next to 911, obviously). Next of Kin are three brothers: Nathan, Kieran and Mark, "27-32" and they have been together ‘since 95’ and had once been signed to Universal. Louis lies that he knows the name and Sharon asks what went wrong. Mark says he was signed and when the record label discovered he had two brothers, they wanted to make them the British Hanson. They then show us a photo of them back then which does look vaguely familiar, and a quick YouTube reveals this song which I sort of have some dim recollection of. It’s no MmmBop. Nathan has a whiff of the Brooksteins about him. Their song got to number 13 in the charts in 1999, which means they have been doing this for a very, very long time. But this series for some reason seems to be celebrating all things that have failed dismally in the past, so it seems apt that they're back now.

They’re doing a song that they wrote with their mum. The last mum-inspired reality TV song I remember is this. Look boys! Play it right and one of you could have a bizarre affair with a Lib Dem! Anyway, this is basically Journey South with three brunettes instead of two blondes and an extra level of deadness behind the eyes. The one in the middle (Kieran) has the creepiest smile and does the least singing, so they really need to do their boyband 101 in terms of performance. The song itself is OK but clichéd and for some reason sends Nicole into floods of tears. Dermot gives their glamorous mum a big hug. Louis congratulates them and says the song could be a hit, Sharon declares their harmonies magnificent and Gary says this is what they came to find. Nicole is a blubbering mess and they get four yeses. Their parents talk about being proud of them. D’aww.

Tomorrow! Groups hit the arena! Souli Roots gets an exciting new hair colour! Gary gets booed! Join Helen then!

Stage concern

Auditions 4: 8 September 2013

Last night: all of this happened. Tonight, everyone we saw yesterday (and possibly a few more besides) will be back to sing again, only this time in front of an arena crowd. The trailer for the evening's events is hinting that the crowd will turn nasty and start screaming "off! off! off!" at poor fragile sobbing Abi, so we at least know that definitely won't happen.

Truncated version of Giant X plummeting to earth. Must be a packed show tonight.

We begin with a montage of last night's auditionees working at their day jobs, whether that be delivering car parts in a white van, scanning groceries at a Morrisons checkout, or knocking on hotel doors and offering a turn-down service. (I've never really understood what a turn-down service is, other than something I used to get a lot of back when I was trying to ask people out.) Weirdly, we also see Tom from episode one in his day job coaching wee'uns at footie. It would seem that he wasn't in last Sunday's episode and I didn't even notice, which doesn't bode well for his overall memorability. (Although he does look good in shorts, so I'm sure I'll remember that.) Abi tells us that she really enjoys her job, but singing is what she really wants to do. I don't think Abi realises that the general protocol on this show is to say that your day job is SOUL-SUCKING TEDIUM THAT IS BENEATH YOU, although maybe it's different when you're still a teenager and you haven't yet reached a point where it's implied that this is all you'll ever amount to. Tom talks about what a big chance the arena audition is. Shelley wants to be singing on a stage rather than singing in her van. That awful, awful Katy Perry song (what do you mean, I need to be more specific? The new one, the one about roaring) plays as Shelley drives to the auditions, goes back through the queues and makes her way onto the stage. [See we're still on everyone has JOBS mode then, no unemployeds or lazy decorators this time round - Helen]

Shelley's thrilled to be on stage and greets the judges and the audience enthusiastically. We flash back to last night's audition, even though it was only last night, and Shelley starts rather prematurely discussing how she hasn't changed as a person yet. Shelley's seven-year-old daughter Madeline says that if her mum wins The X Factor, she wants her to buy some puppies and a big swimming pool. I hope those two requests are entirely coincidental, and Madeline doesn't have some kind of puppy-drowning masterplan up her sleeve. Back in the arena, Gary asks Shelley what's happened since the last audition, and Shelley says that she went back to work, but she hasn't been enjoying it because it was such a comedown after that taste of fame. (See, Abi? That's how you do it.) Shelley sings 'Feeling Good', and it's still a bit mum-karaoke, and some of her facial expressions are far too OTT, but if there's only one spot in the competition for a middle-aged woman belting her way through singalong standards, I'd rather she had it than Sam the prison warder. [Yeah, me too, unless they put them both through in desperation for a female and/or over winner - Rad] Such is the raw, unadulterated sex of Shelley's performance that Nicole gets out of her seat and starts caressing Gary. Either that, or it's been a while since she split up with Lewis Hamilton, and a woman just has needs sometimes. Backstage, Dermot's jeans are alarmingly tight, even by his standards.

The performance finishes and the crowd are on their feet. Nicole says of Shelley, "now that's a Pussycat Doll if I ever saw one." Sharon likes Shelley's sassiness and says she should be going out and celebrating. Louis thinks she's not just a singer, but a performer. Gary liked that she made it all look so effortless. They vote in unison to send Shelley through to boot camp. Shelley gets a big hug from Madeline backstage. Gary thinks Shelley is "rough around the edges", but she'll be great, and Louis adds that she's very likeable. Shelley and Madeline head to the Big White Booth to celebrate.

Ads. I love how Nicole approaches that "fifth judge" promo with all the enthusiasm it deserves.

When we return, more people are getting ready for their second auditions, include re-returnee (when the crowd say bo selecta) Jade Richards. She got a bit teary in her audition yesterday, but she thinks the judges' reactions confirm that she did the right thing by coming back. Jade heads out into the arena and tells the judges that she feels that this is make-or-break for her, at least until next year's audition cycle starts up. Or maybe until series three of The Voice. Jade sings a noodly reworked version of 'Back To Black' and is somehow actually allowed to say "kept his dick wet" when every previous version of that line has been bowdlerised to fuck and back. Her voice is nice enough, but her inability to enunciate her words properly gets on my nerves, as is so often the case with people who mistake mumbling for "making it your own".

Gary tells her she's a fantastic singer, but her auditions lack climax, and that's why she didn't get a standing ovation. Sharon tells her there's no passion or fire inside her. Jade welps that there's just a lot of pressure on her this year. But of course it'll be fine once she wins this show, because there definitely isn't an expensive contract that needs to be fulfilled, and there is definitely no pressure relating to that. The judges vote: Louis wants to give her a chance, and says yes, as do Nicole, Sharon and Gary. So apparently they decided just to put the wind up her for shits and giggles, or this is the same kind of expert constructive criticism that worked out so well for Fil last week. Backstage, Dermot refers to the verdict as "the four hardest yeses we've seen so far". I'd have gone with "harshest" rather than "hardest", but I think I get the general point he's grasping at. Armchair psychologist Gary Barlow says that some of these contestants have demons from their previous failed attempts and they just can't get beyond that, then charges Jade £60 and tells her he can squeeze her in again at 4pm Thursday week. [I liked Jade the first time round but now I feel a bit like Gary might be right, I think this programme has broken her. She's fodder for The Voice and should go over there - Helen]

Speaking of people who really should take the hint, here's Melanie McCabe again (again). She hopes the judges don't wonder what she's doing coming back again. It's okay for me to think that though, right? But before Melanie takes to the stage, it's time for the Dolly Rockers to perform. They don't really get much of an intro because the show's too focused on Melanie, but they perform 'Can't Hold Us' by Macklemore, and it's perfectly serviceable for this level of the competition, if a little rough around the edges, but Gary stops them mid-flow. Sharon tells them the contest is going to eat them up because the competition is so tough this year. Who would that be, then? I only remember seeing Sylvia And The Youngs so far, and I think the Dolly Rockers could handle themselves in that particular skirmish. Gary tells them they need to "make drastic changes to be even close", and it's a no from him. "We'll do whatever it takes," begs one Dolly Rocker, and Gary snits "we needed it now. We needed it 30 seconds ago." I don't remember Tamera getting this sort of treatment last week when she repeatedly forgot her words and sang the entire song off-key. Apparently Gary thought that was cute. Anyway, it's a no from Sharon as well, so it's over for the Dolly Rockers, and once again this is all framed in the wider context of what this means for Melanie. Dear God, NOBODY CARES ABOUT MELANIE MCCABE. (Sorry Melanie. This isn't your fault.) The Dolly Rockers sob in their poorly co-ordinated outfits, which apparently is only acceptable when BixMix do it.

OH LOOK IT'S EVERYBODY'S FAVOURITE, MELANIE MCCABE. We remember that Melanie's had a bit of a diminishing returns experience on this show over the last couple of years, but did well in her audition yesterday. She talks about how her family have been supportive despite having no money, and throws in almost casually that they're losing their house at the moment, and she just wants something good to happen. Jeez. She says this is definitely her last time, and she just needed to give it one last go, but I'm not sure I can believe her at this point. She's the girl who sang wolf.

The backing track is cued, and Melanie misses her cue and asks them to start again. The Mysterious Finger obliges offscreen and Melanie goes for a second attempt at 'Titanium'. This is not a song that has historically been performed particularly well on these shows, but this is arguably one of the better versions. I'd prefer it if she weren't holding her stomach while she sings, but hopefully they can (figuratively) knock that out of her at boot camp. Sharon says she doesn't know why Melanie hasn't made it through before, and she doesn't care because she wasn't there. Heh. Gary thinks Melanie knocked it out of the park, but hasn't yet reached her highest level. Nicole thinks Melanie has effortless control. Louis is sobbing, but insists it's not because she's from Dublin. Time to vote: four yeses, duh. A very relieved Melanie exits, and Nicole says that this is her time now. It'd better be, after all that. [Quite.  Send her through, watch her go home in week three and then she might actually have to get a job, or go to uni, or do something - anything - with her life - Rad]

After some more lovely ads, we return to a montage of men hitting on Nicole, including one super classy guy asking if he can take a selfie with Nicole. This is (mercifully) brief, and we move straight on to Yodellin' Zeke (aka Barclay) from yesterday, who decides to yodel offstage just to ensure the crowd is suitably pumped for his entrance. Yodellin' Zeke says he taught himself how to yodel just by watching videos, and gives Dermot a lesson involving words like "headvoice" that Dermot doesn't understand. Yodellin' Zeke admits he's never yodelled for a big crowd before. He is going to be yodelsinging 'What Makes You Beautiful', which should be interesting. It's actually a bit of a mess: his guitar is out of tune, his normal singing is patchy, and the yodelling...does not exactly meld organically into the song. But the crowd goes nuts, and Nicole loves him, so he's through and will probably somehow be yodelling his way through Cher Week come live shows (bet you anything they give him 'If I Could Turn Back Time'), but Gary and Sharon are concerned that his non-yodel singing isn't all that impressive. [I thought the yodelling thing would be a gimmick for the first audition.  Less sure about it as his shtick, and this was a hot fried mess - also, isn't this kind of thing what Britain's Got Talent is there for? - Rad]

After all that, Luke Friend returns from last week with his improbable unwashed hair, and screams his way through 'Too Much Love Will Kill You', and somehow gets through. Tom Mann and his squeaky voice come back in a nice blue shirt that I really covet, and whimpers his way through that godawful BixMix song that samples 'Name And Number' by Curiosity. I think he should atone for this heinous crime against music by giving me his shirt. Just a thought. Anyway, he's rubbish but cute, so obviously he's through. Everyone lies that the boys are a strong category this year.

Oh Christ, Sylvia And The Youngs are back, now with 100% more affected sneezing. Why do I always end up recapping these people? This is so unfair. We recall the audition that gave the entire country dental cavities, and the girls explain that they were told they needed more edge, so they've come back dressed like Phoebe And The Woo-Woo Girls from series four. Remember them? They take to the stage, and Nicole marvels at their new look. One of them explains to the judges that they didn't want to "change", they just wanted to "adapt". That's just a weasel word for "change" though, isn't it? They perform a mash-up of 'Killing In The Name' and 'Fuck The Pain Away'. No, not really, they've decided to get their awful hands all over Icona Pop's 'I Love It'. The singing is awful, the choreography is worse, and seriously, how is this panel allowed to advise people if this and this are the end result? Gary does the first decent thing he's done all series by bringing it to a premature conclusion. [So a total of 0 groups are at boot camp so far.  About par for the course with this show these days - Rad]

Nicole tells them that while she's pleased they took the panel's notes on board, it wasn't what she had in mind. Louis liked it, because he's insane. Sharon appreciated their hard work and the fact that they sang "I don't care" so politely. Gary says there's just so much wrong with it, and declines the opportunity to hear another song. The judges vote: yeses from Sharon and Louis, but nos from Gary and Nicole, so it's the end of the line for Sylvia And The Youngs. They exit, saying that it wasn't meant to be. They'll clearly be back next year, but I've got plenty of time to get that experimental ear-removal surgery in the meantime.

After a final round of ads, Brummie housekeeper Relley C returns for her second performance. She's been one of the few contestants I've liked so far, so I hope she doesn't fuck this up. Oh. For some reason she's chosen to sing 'Blind Faith' by Chase & Status, which is not a song that many people can sing comfortably, and Relley C is one of the many that can't. Judges and audience alike exchange "ruh roh" glances. Nicole gestures for the song to stop, and Louis tells Relley that they loved her at her last audition, and wonders what happened today. Relley admits that nerves got to her. Sharon thinks it was a weird song choice for her and she's capable of better. The votes: Sharon thinks she is capable of better, so votes to put her through. Louis believes in her, so it's a yes from him too. Gary says he can still see potential in her, so it's a yes from him. It's a yes from Nicole too, but Nicole points out that she's very lucky that they remember her early audition because it didn't translate in the arena. What exactly is the point of this second stage of auditions again? Backstage, Dermot asks Relley what she's going to do between now and boot camp, because she needs to "repay that favour". Wow, that got sinister very quickly.

Backstage, everyone's now (it says here) worried about song choice, especially Abi. She got great feedback at her first audition, but remembers that Louis wasn't sold on her, so she hopes she can win him over. She's written a new song for today, based on everything that's happened since her first audition, basically involving a boy who broke her heart. Abi heads out on the stage, and Sharon reminds her that they were concerned about her ability to project into the arena. Abi tells her that she's written a song for today, which doesn't really answer the question, although it gets the audience onside when she tells them it's about heartbreak. I actually really like the song she's written, which is acceptably twee in a Taylor Swift sort of way and goes on about the guy being her missing jigsaw piece, but Abi's clearly VERY nervous and it shows in both her singing and her guitar-playing, which have a tendency to stray away from the tune a little too often. The crowd go nuts when she's finished, and it appears that the tears we saw Abi crying in the intro are tears of joy at the crowd's love and acceptance. (Told you so.) Gary tells her that he saw her dreams coming alive when everyone stood up for her. Nicole tells Abi she's courageous for sharing a brand new song with all of them. Louis admits that he was wrong about her first time round. It is, of course, four yeses for Abi and she's off to boot camp. I'm pleased it went well for her, but I'm horrified that somehow in all of that I ended up liking her. My reputation as a mean, cynical, heartless blogger will never recover.

Next weekend: more auditions, both in rooms and arenas. A man with a tambourine who we already knows gets through the first round because we saw him backstage at Wembley in this one. Some very shrill people. Join Rad and Helen for all the dizzy highs and terrifying lows.

Re-re-return of the McCabe

Week 2 Auditions: 7 September 2013

 Last week! Sharon was back! So was the audition room! Tim Wheeler put a wig on and turned up as an impersonation of Tom Cruise as Stacee Jax in Rock of Ages called Fil! Mugs were thrown! Someone was SIXTEEN! Someone else had a dad WHO WAS DEAD! I think a total of two groups were featured in the whole weekend and then one of them was split up! So, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose, heh?

SIXTEEN (or maybe seventeen now) year old Tamera watches herself being SIXTEEN on TV, whilst prison officer Sam has her friends and family assembled in the pub to watch her on the big screen. [In the space of three episodes, we've seen them do their first audition, then do their second audition, then watched them watch their auditions. This show seems awfully repetitive this year. This show seems awfully repetitive this year. Repetitive this year, the show seems. - Steve]  Were it not for Sam’s presence, there could be all sorts of fun X FACTOR FIX conspiracies about this given the scene looks so much like a scene from the final that Jeff Brazier is probably at the bar somewhere ordering a face-shaped pizza to be delivered, pronto. Hannah is also watching herself. Men are conspicuous by their absence in this segment. I love how the show is SO SUSPENSEFUL at keeping us wondering which acts are going to make judges’ houses (and probably the live shows save one or two ZOMG SHOCK BOOTS).

Tonight! People who have crashed and burned on this show a bunch of times before come back, but that’s enough about Sharon already badumtish. By the way if laughing at Ceri Rees or Emma Chawner are among the things this show is doing again in its bizarre ‘retro is good’ fit, I’m throwing my remote through the screen and suing Syco for the damage. First, we are in Manchester and Durrbot reminds us we’re in the audition room this time, Funsponge tries to cheer for Manchester but gets as far as ‘give us an M, give us an A’ before declaring it as ‘too long’. HOMETOWN PRIDE EVERYONE.

‘I’m So Excited’ plays as we meet our first auditionee, Chloe O’Gorman who is SIXTEEN and looks like a liddle Cheryl Cole/that one in Clea who looked a bit like Cheryl and they couldn’t have two of them make the girl band. She does a rather fast and breathy ‘The Climb’ which is a bit rubbish but she is cute as a button and gets four yeses.

Some random man typing on his laptop (tweeting spoilers?) pulls a quizzical face.

17-year old Barclay Beales (GREAT NAME) is next and decides to do ‘She Taught Me to Yodel’ with a guitar which gets Nicole very excited and him four yeses. [I love how this one basically proved that the only factor determining whether you're a joke audition or whether you're an inspiring one is how conventionally attractive you are, because I'm sure that in the hands of most other people that yodelling routine would've been nothing more than a "comedy also-rans" montage. - Steve]

Laptop man is 54-year old Thomas from Leeds. But the show is treating him as 54 going on 94 and playing Hovis music behind him as he talks about his journey there in a rather dull manner which was clearly on editors’ prompting. Have these people learned nothing about fifty somethings from the Friendship and Flowers debacle? He’s a part-time DJ and his laptop has his backing track (/hidden camera to get those YouTube hits). He hands out feedback forms for his DJing with ‘Testimonial’s’ on. You are dead to me with that kind of punctuation, Thomas.

He wants to do ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ but takes a bit of time getting the backing track ready. Where is the person whose finger we’re always seeing on the fade button when you need them, huh? Anyway, this is not going to be someone’s SuBo moment so let’s move this along now, show, please? Gary makes a point of slagging him off using the feedback forms and it’s four noes. As he leaves, Nicole pleads ‘Beautiful, please don’t trip over your cord.’ Gary laughs about him bringing his charger, but if I was sat in that waiting room for however many hours it is, I’d bring a charger too.

Ads! Do people really want to use their mobile phones as cash? Surely that’s a Daily Mail story about children running up exceptionally large phone bills by ‘accidentally’ spending their parents’ money on frippery (and friggery depending on the age) waiting to happen.

We’re back! HAY YOU GUISE DID YOU HEAR THERE IS A FIFTH JUDGE LOL NOT REALLY JUST DOWNLOAD OUR LATEST SHITTY APP PLS THNX.

Next is Relley C (23) who works as a housekeeper and has mesmerisingly weird but striking hair – it’s half back, half bleached, except not quite half, because the split comes about 55% in. She’s loud and bubbly though, which could work in her favour. She’s doing a slowed down and decent enough version of ‘Don’t You Worry Child’ and I like her right now but she’s one of those contestants that could be brilliant and end up either going full-on Burke or doing an Adedeji or else she could end up being a bit annoying/crap and get dumped at boot camp/judges’ houses. Louis very prematurely says there’s no more housekeeping for her and she gets a bunch of yeses. 

White van woman Shelley Smith (who has a cute child) does a full on mum-karaoke version of ‘Natural Woman’ and goes through with four yeses, but there’s only room for one Meaty Minge wannabe in live shows, and Sam’s got that sewn up so probably best if you don’t get too attached to Shelley. Bin-truck mechanic Ryan (18) is from (H)ull, ‘The H is silent where I’m from’, which, as a fellow Umbersidian, I can confirm is indeed the correct pronunciation. He talks about working surrounded by bin juice. Nice.

Continuing the trend of young men with guitars that sing noises rather than words established by Barclay earlier on, he does something that goes ‘Jolene, shadadadada’ which I’ve never heard before and makes a girl in the waiting room cry. I assume she’s his girlfriend and not some random. He gets four yeses and gives the crying girl a hug. Nicole then makes Sharon boke by talking about bin juice some more. So glad I wasn’t eating my tea when I watched this.

Tree surgeon Stuart is next. I must say, the list of jobs this series is much more interesting than ‘I work in a shop, which is the worst thing known to humankind, kill me now’ or ‘I’m a teacher but sod the kids’ education, I want to piss my life away trying to sing’ which we usually get on this show. He does a very strange version of ‘Beneath Your Beautiful’ which is probably not helped by him doing it a capella. His vocal shudders a bit and his voice goes strange when he does the high-pitched bit on the chorus but I don’t think he’s bad enough to deserve the hysterics coming from the panel.

Anyhoo, that was four auditions before the ads, which might be the most ever! The Oxo ‘Shake and Flavour’ ad makes no sense. In what way is shaking some seasoning on meat like barbecueing a cotton reel? Unless this is one of the mysteries of meat eating that eludes we vegetarians?

Abi, 18, is up next with her ‘roadie’ aka her dad. She works in Morrisons and has been gigging since 14. She has also brought a guitar with her to do her version of ‘Travelin’ Soldier’. Her voice is quite sweet in a slightly more countrified Janet Devlin with tamer hair kind of way. She strains a bit in a couple of places but overall it’s rather nice. Gary loves her, Louis is worried that she won’t be able to project on a Saturday night but Sharon thinks she has a great sense of herself. Nicole agrees with everyone and thinks the big arena auditions will be the test of whether or not she can do it. Still, four yeses, and dad gets a big Derm-hug. The waiting auditionees cheer and I kind of wish they didn’t show the auditions to those waiting, it reduces the level of paranoia we used to see in the early series about who would be good and how many people would get through.

What’s that you say? You could do with a comedy audition right now? I’m not really with you but apparently the producers are, with Colin (45) who has brought a photo of his cat with him, which is what passes for hilarity these days, but then I guess that’s what you get when you try spinning out enough comedy mental people to fill ten series. He mentions that Olly Murs, Joe ‘Mc-Aldy’ and Matt ‘Car-dell’ have all been in this position before, except Matt at least didn’t have the audition rooms and he makes it sound like ‘dispositioned’ which is eminently funnier. Gary, having been briefed on the comedy, asks who he lives with and we get a lot of filler about him singing to his cat. As cat jokes go, it’s a rule of thumb that if it’s not on the internet, it’s not funny (and then only a fraction og the time). His ‘Someone Like You’ is out of time and tune and everything you might expect from this kind of audition, and it just goes on and on. You know what I haven’t seen tonight? Any groups. Again. Then Gary and Nicole try and sing him back to the right part of the song because he drifts so far from the backing track, but it ends up being patronising rather than helpful. Gary says they can tell how good people are ‘in about eight seconds’ which really explains why this section has been so long. Anyway, four noes and lots of close-ups of the cat photo and he says Patch the ‘household pet’ would think he’s done himself proud in the white glow of audition afterlife (the new iteration of the booth of bitterness). We’re never getting those minutes of our life back, everyone.

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Some members of the public do an unconvincing ‘coming back is OK, Alexandra BURKE came back and she won’ forgetting that, as far as we know, Alexandra got to judges’ houses first time and was booted out by Louis because he only wanted one girl to compete in his category with the stellar likes of that Philip bloke and… OK, the one who won, and then second time out, she won. It’s not the same as a judges’ houses reject who came back last year and didn’t even make the main show (and got as far as boot camp, I think) or someone who is back for the FOURTH time. Basically, Alexandra was an exception, not a rule (remember 4Sure? Returning didn’t work out that well for them. OR John wotsit who got rejected twice at judges’ houses) and if you haven’t learned to give it up and try your hand at something else (or go on The Voice) by now, then you’re going to come across as needy to say the least.

Anyway, Jade Richards is back. She was that Scottish lass who WUZZROBBED in favour of whoever was in Kelly’s category that year. Conveniently, we’re shown this, but not her failing last year. She used to work in a supermarket, and now she’s unemployed. She’s also 23 but I thought she was about 18 back in 2011. See, X Factor, that’s what you get for telling people that working in a shop is a waste of life – unemployment and premature ageing. BROKEN BRITAIN, everyone. Her ‘When I Was Your Man’ is breathy and uncontrolled and whilst she has a decent tone in there somewhere, it doesn’t sound like she’s been taking care of her voice. It’s probably good enough to progress to live auditions but not to get much further, so they ought to just put her out of her misery here and now. Gary reminds her this is the third time and he wonders if the same thing would happen again. He and Louis lie that they don’t think it will and it’s four yeses. Gary says ‘when you’re that good, you never give up’.

Another comeback kid is Amy Mottram who Tulisa sent home from judges’ houses last year. She is shown comforting Jade, and it’s not clear if the producers set them up to meet or if there is some bitter corner of the internet somewhere (let’s be honest, probably Digital Spy) where rejected X Factor contestants get together and talk about how they WUZ ROBBED and spam comments on all X Factor articles reminding people of that fact forever. Anyway, her ‘Clown’ is better than Jade’s performance, but there’s nothing new or spectacular about it. It’s all very serviceable, but ‘so what?’ and we have to remember that this is the girl who lost to Christopher Maloney in the public vote to put through to lives, so No1Curr about her.  Four yeses.

Next up? A GROUP! But it’s a returning group. The Dolly Rockers were cute but useless back in 2006 and now they’ve replaced one of them, stopped looking cute - I mean they’re pretty and all, but they’re in black and red and seven years older, and maybe they should have changed the group’s name? They’ve got a new member so perhaps they’re already hoping to be the new Sugababes. The audition is a bit all over the place, some bits are in tune, some bits are just a screeching mess, but they’re through, largely by dint of there being only one other group so far.

Our next in the ‘Oh for the love of God, just give it up love’ parade is Melanie McCabe, who is back for the FOURTH time, despite only being 19. She auditioned in 2008 when they did the experiment of letting 14 year olds sing that ended so well. Then in 2011 she got to judges’ houses, like Jade, which was a ‘huge big milestone’ in her life and her dreams were crushed by that evil crusher of dreams Kelly Rowland and she had to go back to school and everything OMG IT'S SO UNFAIR I HATE YOU. (I note that our post for the 2008 episode was called ‘If at First You Don’t Succeed, Fail and Fail Again’ and our boot camp 2011 one was ‘Like Everything You’ve Ever Seen Before’. Oh, X Factor, you’ll never change, will you? And, apparently, neither will we.) But now Kelly’s gone and she’s back! Oh, except that time when Kelly was gone last year and she came back again and left at boot camp.

Incidentally, Melanie looks a lot like Cindy Cunningham from Hollyoaks here, so maybe she should look into playing Holly rather than that thirty year old supermodel they’ve got pretending to be Cindy’s teenage daughter right now. She says she’s driven by all the people in the music industry now (ALL THE PEOPLE) getting noes in the past. Gary asks what was wrong before, and she says she wasn’t confident enough. Her version of ‘Diamonds’ is, like Jade and Amy, competent enough to make getting to the next round, and probably Boot Camp, a shoo-in, but not spectacular enough to go further.

If anything, all these returning clips do is show why these people never got to ‘lives’. I’m not saying all the people that do go through have the elusive ‘x’ because: Sophie Habibis, The Unconventionals, Scott BRUTON and a million others, but these returning lot really, really don’t. [I can't help feeling that Alexandra BURKE losing out at judges' houses in series two and then coming back and winning series five opened a floodgate that will never, ever close. - Steve]

Never mind me, though, Sharon loves her, Gary thinks she was the best audition of the day and Louis cries because she is IRISH and he knows she NEEDS IT. Four yeses and the most airtime of any of our returnees. Dermot says it feels different this time. Maybe they’re just going to put her through this year and let her go home in week three or whatever in order to stop her ever coming back again. She's just like *SPOILER ALERT* Captain Jack Harkness or that creepy kid from the Returned.  ZombiMelanie cnanot die!  (Come to think of it, she must have been on the same series as ZombiEmily...)

TOMORROW! Some of these people again (or in Melanie's case again again again again again again again)! But in the arena! And also some of last week’s people they forgot to show! Join Helen then!

No killer, No Fil-ler

Arena Auditions Week 1 – 2^nd September 2013

Hello and welcome to what is my first recap of the tenth series of the X Factor. Ten series! It’s like turning around and noticing that programme that you remember being a baby is about to go to big school. Steven gave you his thoughts on the judging panel yesterday and at the risk of getting fired, I have to say that I approve of the return of Sharon. I think we need a mother figure to calm down Funsponge’s bossy father-ness and I love her dynamic with Louis. We’ll see who’s proved right in the end. [I ended up not hating Sharon quite as much as I expected to. I still think her return was largely unnecessary, but maybe there's still hope for us. - Steve] [She was fine in auditions, but wait until lives when she becomes utterly unbearable.  Just saying. - Rad]

This year as discussed we’re having a format change and this episode marks the beginning of the hotel function room/arena splits. This would work in an immediate split as we can see the singers in a one on one situation and then see how they react with an audience. It also stops the deluded and mentally ill from being humiliated by thousands of people who are in their face. However it does mean that you constantly have to remember people from the day before having their big moment and it kind of ruins the surprise of whether they’re going to be good or not, which promises to make for an hour of uninspiring television. We’ll see.

We begin proper with an announcement that THIS YEAR IT’S CHANGE with DOUBLE AUDITIONS. TO PLAY THE ARENA THEY FIRST HAVE TO WIN THE ROOM which sounds like a challenge on The Cube which isn’t really a Cube *Harry Hill sideways glance to camera*. TONIGHT IT’S TIME TO FACE THE AUDIENCE which I’m sure includes facing the MUSIC but it’s not expressly implied. GIANT X.

First auditionee having the fully filmed background check is Sam Bailey who was the prison officer lady from last night. She’s written “Mummy has the X Factor” on her fridge with magnets because she wants to pretend that her kids did it. She tells her children to hurry up because this is her LAST CHANCE and they’ve ruined her chances at a singing career already and she won’t tolerate their shit because they want to eat their Cheerios.  Her arena audition is all she’s been able to think about. Second up is Fill the mullet Muppet who has been rehearsing every day and he’s going to give the judges everything and they’re going to take it. Then we see half of the duo that was split up last night leaving her house saying that this is going to be the performance of her life.  She’s followed by Homeless Hannah on the train from Croydon looking all sad. SHE’S SAD BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN CROYDON. EVERYONE LOOKS SAD THERE.  Sam Bailey’s cute kids ask her if she’s going to win from the back of the car. I don’t think it’s too big a spoiler to say that she won’t.  Alejandro gets on a bus and says he’s been practicing because he’s singing in front of people, innit.

The judges arrive at Wembley, which kind of destroys the point of having a window over the O2 yesterday but logic has never been a friend of this show. To further confuse us all, the show is no doubt being filmed inside Wembley Arena but the judges are getting out of their cars outside the new Brent Council offices. Presumably because they’re the nicest building in the whole complex and you can kind of sort of see the arena from there. Nicole thinks it’s about being a true entertainer. Funsponge wants to see someone have a big moment with a standing ovation and everything. Yes, that would be great for the crowd that are in the actual arena at the time but it’s going to be no big surprise for us when someone turns out to be good, is it?

Backstage montage. Sam’s adorable kids say she has the X Factor again.  Someone with a bitch resting face does her hair as two people talk about how great the crowd is. It’s Sam’s audition first. Sam’s son, Tommy says hello to Dermot and my ovaries punch me from inside just to remind me that my time is running out and will I either just sort my life out or give up and get a cat. Just make a bloody decision one way or another. Sorry, got sidetracked there. What are we here for again? Oh yes. Sam Bailey. Prison officer.  Funsponge recognises her. Nicole is less convincing but introduces her and asks her to tell the audience a bit about herself. The most important thing about Sam is that she’s 36 and a prison officer. We go back through the mists of time to see her audition last night whilst Sam interviews about how emotional it was to do the room audition and get a standing ovation. She found it weird going back to work because it felt like the whole audition didn’t happen but she’s back and finally doing things for herself for the first time in ages. She even bought herself some new clothes. She’s doing this so her kids will be proud of her and to show them that she can do it. The judges ask how she’s feeling. She still can’t believe it, and things like this don’t happen to her. I think you’ll find that most people don’t end up singing at Wembley Arena in talent competitions so I don’t think that not buying yourself clothes has a lot to do with it.  Nicole urges her to sing her heart out.  She does.  She belts out “Who’s Loving You” whilst pulling some faces that can only be described as ‘interesting’.  Her husband cries. Her children sleep. Louis pretends to have a sense of rhythm whilst he tries to remember who she reminds him of. [What little hope I had for Sam after last night promptly vanished with that performance, which was straight-up Meaty Minge. All bellowing, no feeling. - Steve] [I liked her last night and everything.  Tonight: HAYL NO. - Rad]

Everyone is moved. Nicole grabs her heart as she gets a standing ovation. Nicole shouts “great job baby”! as Sam complains of shaking. We are urged to remember her name and she’s reminded that this is her time. Funsponge thinks she’s phenomenal and wonders where she’s been. She’s been BEING A MUM you dork. Her kids come first. Louis tells her she hit every single note and it was powerful and effortless and she deserves a recording contract. Sharon thinks she felt ever word. She gets a massive, huge and a from the heart yes. Nicole manages to squeeze out a tear as her family invade the stage. Sharon and Nicole argue whether she sings from the heart or the gut. Backstage, Durrbot interviews Sam who says that in 20 years of singing nobody has ever told her that she’s special but she knows she is now. Her husband cries for reportedly the first time and her daughter tells her she did a good job. ADVERTS.

When we return, Funsponge is ‘checking his twitter’ in the corridor and is disgusted to find that there’s a fifth judge that nobody has told him about. It’s US! There’s an app where you can vote and predict. DULL.

We’re back at Wembley where the reality of performing in front of the audience is hitting home. We have Homeless Hannah again and she’s nervous. She found the room audition overwhelming but today is going to be the biggest performance of her life and she wants to do her best. Nicole urges her to sing her heart out. She’s singing One Night Only. Nicole mouths that she loves her. Sharon thinks that it was good for a 17 year old sausage roll seller. Funsponge also likes it. Nicole calls her a little Nina Simone and Louis probably kicks her under the table. Four predictable yeses.

Luke from Essex is back for his Arena audition. He remarks on how different it is auditioning in person from watching it on television. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. Wow, with brains like that you really need to get through because you will be excellent fun to recap. We go all the way back in time to see him singing his godawful song about positivity. He’s very nervous for his performance today as he’s never sung for this many people and he doesn’t want his nerves to get the better of him or to have any regrets. He arrives on stage and says he’s nervous. Sharon urges him to give it his best.  He really, really doesn’t. He’s singing Get Lucky in a sub James Arthur style which will give a handle on just how shit awful this performance is.  It moves Funsponge to pull a face. Even his family backstage look resigned. That’s how terrible it is.  Sharon says that she loves his personality but the performance and the range was limited. Nicole also ponders his range and says it felt like he was straining. Funsponge thinks the vocals weren’t good and he should come back next year. Nicole thinks that his other performance should be taken into account and it’s a yes. Louis wants to give him a chance so it’s a yes. It’s a no from Sharon but she also urges him to come back after some practice. So now we know what happens in a 50:50 vote split, huh. [I think Louis said that Sharon is technically head judge this year, but he might just have been bullshitting. We'll find out in the live shows, I guess. - Steve] [I have read interviews where they said no-one was.  Maybe the fifth judge is head judge.  Which would mean FUCKING DEADLOCK every week - Rad] After he leaves Sharon remarks at how the audience were flat and Luke interviews that the nerves got the better of him.

We’re on to Alejandro and he’s most worried about Funsponge. He thinks that his first audition was ok because Funsponge thought he was a bit musical theatre which for once wasn’t used as a euphemism. He wants his grandparents to be proud of him today. His gran asks him if he’s wearing clean pants. Oh you AMATEUR. They’ve either got to be dead or cute. They can’t be funny. What is this shit? Alejandro hopes that all his hard work pays off and the yes that he would get would mean everything. He arrives onstage and introduces himself. Louis wonders who he has with him. He says that he’s got the United Nations with him. I don’t think he knows what the United Nations is. He also introduces his grandparents as his biggest fans. They get a cheer. He’s singing Hero by Enrique Iglesias. It goes well; until he starts singing in Spanish and the whole thing just feels a bit... well, arrogant. [Remember when singing in Spanish was meant to be Ruth Lorenzo's USP? Oh, Simon. - Steve] He’s never going to go down well with the public. He gets off the stage and comes down to the judges. Of course, they lap it up, as do the audience. He gets a big standing ovation. Nicole reads from what she’s been given about what she said about him last time, which was she couldn’t wait to see the girls screaming over him in the arena. She then speaks in Spanish and translates it as hot. Sharon calls it an unbelievable performance. Louis doesn’t think he’s the best singer but he’s got charisma and the girls will love him. Funsponge just repeats what Louis says, and then repeats what Nicole says. Three yeses and a si.

Backstage, he can’t believe it. Then a big flashing sign with EXPOSITION comes down and Nicole says that this is the reason that the split auditions are so important, to show what people are like with an audience. They agree he set the crowd alight.

MOAR ADVERTS. When we return the split duo are nervous and the football coach can’t prepare himself to step into the situation. Funsponge remarks that the step from room to arena is huge and if they’re wise they’ll listen to the advice they have been given and use it. This can only mean one thing. Fil.

Fil is ready to rock. He has illustrated this by dressing in black. He says that he went a bit mental in his audition and we go back through the mists of time again to yesterday where he went so mental Funsponge threw a cup at his general direction, but not too near, we don’t want anyone losing an eye. He was told he needed more of an edge so that’s what he’s giving them. He wonders if he can take it. Oh, they can. He feels that he’s got the hair and the body to be a rockstar, and he’s even drawn himself on some tattoos. His mum grasses him up that they’re not real and says that he’s still “experimenting”, even though he’s clearly older than 14.  Drawing on your tattoos is apparently the “rock and roll way” and he’ll soon be selling out stadiums with Bon Jovi. I thought that this split in auditions was supposed to stop the not very well humiliating themselves? Fil arrives on stage and says hello to Wembley. Funsponge remembers his audition for all the wrong reasons. He says that he wanted him to be badder and wonders if Fil has been working on that. He indicates that he has by growling. Oh dear. Funsponge pretends to be excited as Fil walks off the stage to make a grander entrance. Grand it is. He’s taken his top off and is walking through the crowds playing his guitar. He’s playing what seems to be an original song that his dad is mouthing along to. What I don’t understand is that he’s playing a guitar that doesn’t seem to be plugged in to anything. He then jumps up on to the judges desk and breaks a cup. How very rock. Nicole treats the whole spectacle with the contempt it deserves. Funsponge joins in, but ruins it by saying that it wasn’t as bad as he remembered, it was worse. Louis doesn’t think he’s a rockstar. Nicole thinks they’ve created a monster but he gives good hair. Sharon calls the performance “A pile of shit”. Charming. Four nos. Poor man. Sharon thinks he should stick to singing at home. Nicole gives his hair a yes, which is a plus point. Poor Fil. He did what they wanted and they chucked him out anyway. [This doesn't reflect brilliantly on the quality of the feedback that the judges are offering, does it? - Steve] Funsponge wants to clean the mess up. [My take on Fil is that it was Tim Wheeler from Ash in a comedy wig, trolling for the lols.  He looked exactly like him except the hair - Rad]

Backstage, Durrbot asks Fil’s mum if he’s like that at home. She says that he’s not.  As Fil walks away we see “I love Gary” written on his back. He thinks he might be too rock for the X Factor. You’re too something, Fil. I’m just not sure what.

Back with the duo that were split up whose name was something to do with silver; they’re debating who it was that split them up. They agree on Funsponge and they said that they were shocked to hear it. The younger half of the duo is Tamera Foster who is ONLY SIXTEEN and from Gravesend. She’s wearing some giant Illuminati earrings, which is bound to get us some hits. The older half is Gerrie Dilar and she’s from London. The fact that they were once a duo is explained again and now they said that they’re nervous to be competing against each other as they’ve never performed on their own. Actually, Gerrie seems to be nervous, Tamera clearly couldn’t give less of a shit about it.  Gerrie is up first and she tells Dermot that she’s nervous and excited. Sharon hopes that she doesn’t let them down. Gerrie gets on stage and she’s forgotten her trousers. She says she’s been practicing non stop for her audition.  She sings Love in a Hovis Face and adds in a few bonus notes before running out of words. It’s a bit rubbish. Nicole agrees that last time it was stronger. Louis expected more, Sharon thought it was in the wrong key and it’s not a good day for her. Funsponge thought she was shouting so it’s a no from him.  Nicole gives her a yes, as does Louis. It’s a no from Sharon so it’s a no overall.  When she’s gone, Sharon decides to feel bad but Dermot thanks her for auditioning.

Let’s see how Tamera gets on. She’s doing breathing exercises backstage and says that she’s nervous.  She’s brought her gran with her who is neither dead nor cute which is again starting to vex me. NO POINTLESS GRANDPARENTS PLEASE. She says she’s more nervous than Tamera. Tamera is worried because the only performance she’s done is school assemblies. That’s still a fairly big performance.

For some reason, someone else’s audition is stuck in the middle. His name is Elliot and they’re not too happy with him and he needs more time to hone his craft. Louis reminds us that she’s only 16 as she says how scared she is about being judged on her own. She arrives on stage and says it’s surreal. Sharon wonders what she’s been doing to get ready. Tamera says that she’s been rehearsing nonstop and there’s lots to take in. Sharon wonders how she’s feeling about performing alone. She’s nervous but she’s ready. She’s going to be doing a Whitney number, I Have Nothing.

But what’s this?! The crowd cheer as she starts singing and she forgets the words. At least, that’s what it looks like, but her look of shock doesn’t seem 100% genuine to me. She asks for two seconds as her little sister starts crying backstage. ADVERTS OH I CAN’T TAKE THE DRAMA.

When we return we see the exact same clip of her leaving the stage again. She goes backstage and asks Dermot for the words. He knows them. Bless. She goes back and tries again. Sharon asks if she’s ok and Nicole wants her to DO IT. The audience crane their necks at a potential second car crash. She goes again, and stumbles on the words again but manages to recover. Funsponge mouths them at her. She then seems to find her feet and starts belting everything out.  Nicole squeezes out a tear and Funsponge mouths “wow” as she goes on to get a standing ovation from the crowd.

Funsponge tells her that her performance wasn’t perfect but she’s got potential beyond belief. Sharon reminds us all that she’s ONLY SIXTEEN. Even though she’s ONLY SIXTEEN she coped with a Whitney song. Nicole liked it even though some of it was out of control and she’s got a gift and a talent and another star. Louis thinks that she’s got potential beyond Alexandra Burke and Leona Lewis and she’s incredible. Four inevitable yeses, provided she doesn’t forget her lyrics at bootcamp. The judges are speechless and Tamera explains that she forgot the lyrics because her brain was full of other stuff. Bless. [I thought she was DREADFUL. Forgetting the words was bad enough, but even when she remembered them she was off-key. She should count herself very lucky that she's ONLY SIXTEEN. - Steve]

So that’s it for the first week of arena auditions. Join Rad next week for the next instalment. It’s good to be back! 

Room with an 'ewww'

Auditions 1: 31 August 2013

Series ten. Nearly ten years of The X Factor, and almost as many years of us sat here with our laptops, trying to be funny about it. There have been a lot of technological advances and a frankly alarming degree of staff turnover, but at its heart it remains the same manipulative, attention-seeking mess it always was. But enough about this blog: what's happening on the show this year?

We begin in Leicester Square, August 2013. One Direction arrive for the premiere of their This Is Us documentary thingy (I saw a trailer for it when I was at the cinema this week and it did seem very X Factory, right down to the point where they interrupted all the shirtless homoeroticism halfway through so Zayn could have a little cry about how all he's ever wanted to do is buy his mum a house). This is, of course, a tantalising taste of what could be yours, if you happen to get on this show and the stars align in your favour. We then zip back through the years, right back to when auditions happened in conference centres without a live audience, back to when Sharon Osbourne was on the judging panel. Ahh, 'twas a simpler time. But it'll never be like that again, will it?

WRONG! We all know Sharon's back this year (as are the small audition rooms, which we'll get to in a moment), and the show tries to convince us all that we've missed her by having lots of extremely normal people (a hairdresser! Someone who works in a pub!) talking about how she was great and hilarious and so unpredictable and remember that time we all thought she had a wet vagina for Shayne Ward and it turned out she was just talking about her Pomerianzzzzzzzz. Sharon Osbourne only ever did two things right on this show: getting pwned by a door and calling Steve Brookstein a shit. And the latter barely even counts, since that's pretty much why he ended up winning. So you can try to convince me that Sharon's return is a good thing all you want, but all I'm seeing is a desperate attempt to reclaim former glories that actually weren't especially glorious in the first place.

A few more everyday folk appear to endorse a few non-Sharon-related things (Leona, Olly MURS, One Direction) before Dermot finally arrives to announce that the show's celebrating reaching double figures by SHAKING THINGS UP. As you've probably heard, this year the contestants face double auditions, which is the show's attempt to have the best of both worlds: it's restoring the audition-room format of series one to five as the first port of call for auditionees, and then if they succeed there, they get called back to do the big arena auditions. I'd have preferred them to do away with the arena auditions altogether as I've always thought they rather ruin the narrative flow set up by this format's forerunners (if you can sing in an arena in front of an audience of thousands just by auditioning, there's not exactly much can-they-cut-it-live tension when the live shows roll around), but at least they're meeting me halfway. I'm a fair man, I can compromise. [I really didn't see the point of the live auditions, mainly because I was dreading a million weeks of audition rooms and then the same of live auditions - however, I think having the two different types of audition on consecutive nights instead of in big blocks was a smart move so well done them - Rad]

Oh, and Sharon's back. Hooray. Along with Gary (really? Two full years on the show and the powers that be still haven't realised he's got all the warmth and charisma of a mildewed fridge magnet?), Nicole (whom I love but I worry she's going to just coast on residual goodwill if the amount of times she said "shamazing" and "balls" in the preview clips are anything to go by) [ISTR Nicole's best moments last series were boot camp and live shows so I'm happy to wait until then - Rad] and Louis (who was always at his worst when sat next to Sharon, so I'm concerned). Anyway, it's time! To face! The thought of doing this every weekend from now until Christmas!

We return to helicopters over London, which either means the citizens are rioting again or the show's managed to retain a healthy budget despite last year's viewing figures. Outside the ExCel centre in Docklands, crowds of people are clamouring for their shot at the big time. Gary tells us that this year is double the pressure (for the show as much as the contestants, I'll wager), Sharon says that she can't wait to see this year's talent, Louis says that there'll be nowhere to hide this year, and Nicole says they need the next worldwide star to walk through the door. Dermot runs through how this year's audition format will work, for those of us who haven't already worked that out for ourselves, and then we go to our first audition. In Cardiff. So quite what we were doing in London for all of two minutes, I'm not entirely sure.

Logistic questions aside, the first auditionee of the series is Luke Friend, who is from Devon and has a lot of hair. It looks a bit like Dougal from The Magic Roundabout is sitting on him. Dermot is particularly transfixed with Luke's hair and asks if he can touch it, not actually bothering to wait for an answer before doing so. I would imagine that this sort of thing happens to Luke a lot. If I were him, I would keep tiny poisonous spiders in my hair and train them to attack any hands they didn't recognise. Luke talks about how the new (/old) audition room format is scary, but I can't imagine it's genuinely scarier than being in front of a crowd at the O2 and having that 20,000 easily-swayed morons baying for your blood because, I dunno, you're German or something. Luke introduces himself to the judges and Nicole gets very excited by his last name, and Luke's all "it is a bit crazy, I know." If this show genuinely expects me to find it crazy that there are people in the world whose surname is Friend, it's going to be a long series. [I have two friends who are Friends.  KERRAZY.  Although they are married to each other, so maybe less so - Rad] Luke tells the judges that he's 17, and his mum and his friend Syd are outside. They talk a bit more about his hair, and Nicole asks him what he does to maintain the level of vol-yum in it. She makes a real mouthful out of that word and sounds uncannily like Alyssa Edwards in the process. Luke reveals that the secret is that he hasn't washed it for nine months. If he plays his cards right, he could get a very nice Garnier Fructis sponsorship deal out of this. Luke explains that his dream is to get the hell out of Devon, since he's gigged all around it but has struggled to gain recognition in the rest of the country.

Luke sings 'Stand By Me', and already this new, improved audition room set-up exposes itself as a sham: apparently the contestants still get to sing over a backing track, which is definitely not how they used to do it. So much for all those claims the judges were making about this first round of try-outs being "raw" and the contestants having "nowhere to hide". (That said, I am struggling to figure out whether the backing track was actually there for the audition or whether it was added in post-production. It's faint and unobtrusive enough for the latter to be possible, but...why would they do that? [So that the fader finger person they are always shooting close-ups of didn't lose their job? - Rad] But then most of the other contestants auditioning in this show didn't have it. Oh, I'm so confused.) Anyway, Luke's voice is pleasant in an overly familiar earnest-young-guy-with-a-guitar way, but he should probably avoid the falsetto he uses at the end. Louis loves Luke's style and voice and is glad he came along. Sharon declares him "quite fabulous". Gary thinks he did a great job. Nicole thinks he's "a little dirty-haired diamond in the rough". They take it to a vote: Louis says it's a big easy yes. (I hadn't realised these were the New Orleans auditions.) A yes from Sharon, an "I can't wait to see you at the arenas" from Gary, and Nicole makes it unanimous.

We're not even staying in Cardiff for more than one audition, as our next takes place in Manchester, where 17-year-old Joe McElderry doppelgänger Alejandro Fernandez is telling us that he's about to go on holiday without his parents, so we can probably expect to see him on BBC3 imminently. He makes it clear that the similarities between him and Mawliddle Jor begin and end there as he takes time out before his audition to tell Nicole that she's really hot, because I'm sure she forgets about that all the time. He sings 'Fuckin' Perfect' by Pink (which is an ideal opportunity for me to link to the trailer for the greatest movie that was never made, and not just for the scene of a shirtless Blake Jenner seemingly having a wank in a barn). His voice is clear and strong and sounds well-trained, though the way he seemingly directs the whole thing at Nicole is a little creepy. Nicole tells him she wants to hear all those girls screaming for him, so it's a yes from her. Gary, making a transparent bid for one of those empty chairs on The Voice UK, says no because it was "too Theatreland". Remind me what about 90% of this show's former finalists are doing to make ends meet these days, Gary [You mean aside throwing darts at his picture? - Helen] It's a yes from Sharon and Louis though, so Alejandro is through.

Back to London, our next auditionee is Tom Mann, who has the look of someone you'd swear is already in One Direction somehow (insert Nick Grimshaw joke here). He's a 19-year-old part-time football coach for kids, and has brought them all with him. That's about the cheapest bid for widespread public appeal you can make, but the brief bit of footage that showed him with the kids was awesome, since it involved him having to tell them that the presenter's name is Dermot, not Kermit. Tom says that he wants to be a role model to the kids and show them how to chase their dreams. He's got a guitar (...and it was all going so well!) and sings 'Let Her Go' in a really yelpy voice that I doubt many people could stand to listen to for a full three minutes. Nicole isn't sure how much he'd stand out in the next stages, but she likes him. Gary is "quite excited about [him] as a solo artist" (of course he is), so Tom's through as well. About 20 carefully-choreographed children zoom through the door to envelop Tom in a lovely telegenic group hug.

It's all been going well so far, hasn't it? Which means it's time for our first duffer of the year: J Star Valentine, who's 19 and from West London. He's a part-time model, which he does just to get his face out there for his music career (how nice for him) and he wants us to know that he's not your average pop star. Perhaps because your average pop star can sing and has a record contract? He'll be singing his "own version" of 'Hallelujah'. It's just as well he told us, because I would've struggled to recognise it from the series of whoops and gasps that follow. It's hard to tell if it's a performance or an asthmatic incident. Sharon's struggling not to laugh, while in another new development, J Star's audition is apparently being broadcast to the assembled contestants in the waiting room, who are all having a good giggle. Sharon tells him he sang like a ghost, and Gary breathily tells him it was "cra-a-a-a-a-ap". Nicole wants to know if J Star was actually serious with that shit, and tells him "it's not as musical as maybe you're hearing inside of your head". It's four nos for J Star, who tells Dermot he just wasn't himself in there.

Adverts. James Lance really needs a better agent. [I was so sad to see him on the adverts. I mean, he was on TEACHERS - Helen]

When we return, the show solves the mystery of "the fifth judge" that they've been alluding to for a while: it's us! Apparently there's an app we can download that allows us to predict who will go through and things like that. I am not interested in a judging position on this show unless it is salaried, so I suggest we all just move right along. [Now that would be awesome - Helen]

We're still in London, and people are having entirely spontaneous conversations in the audition room about how they think Sharon is a marvellous judge, and how this is the best X Factor they've ever been to. Next in to audition is 30-year-old Fil Henley from Maidenhead. He's got shoulder-length shaggy brown hair and talks like Smashie and Nicey. He says that it's obvious from his image that he's "not the norm" and that it's "a lifestyle choice" to look the way he does. I feel sorry for him already, because having to be like that every single day of your life sounds utterly exhausting. Dermot asks how he feels about meeting Sharon, since she's "one of the iconic figures of rock", which: no. She's one of the iconic figures of rock-adjacent reality shows, perhaps, but that's as far as it goes. Fil says that people don't take enough risks, and then the editors cut in that he still lives with his parents, and his mum made him some sandwiches to bring with him. Low-hanging fruit is always kind of bitter-tasting.

Fil heads into the audition room, and Gary's all "oh, I can tell you're a rocker!" and Nicole inadvertently deflates him slightly by asking if that hairdo would be considered a mullet. "It's business at the front and party at the back!" says the ever-original Sharon Osbourne. Fil will be singing 'Let Me Entertain You', while wandering all around the room including a little stint behind the giant X. He's got a decent-enough 80s rock voice about him, but the whole thing is all very limp and dated, and the panel are clearly desperate for any signs of life, to the point where when he starts flipping his hair ever so gently, Nicole starts screaming "YEAH! SHAKE IT! MOVE IT! OHHHHH, YEAAAAHHH!" Well, I doubt her theoretical sex tape will contain many surprises after that. Sharon tells him that he's pop, rather than rock, and he's very clean and has no edge. Unlike Sharon, who has plenty of edge thanks to her surgeon. Nicole liked the hair, at least. The judges vote: Nicole thinks he can sing, and votes yes. Louis thinks he's not a rock star, and votes no. It's a no from Gary. Sharon loves his passion and talent, but it's a no from her too. Fil takes the rejection well, saying that while he has the opportunity he just wants to give Sharon something he did for her, and takes a CD out of his pocket. I tried to give Sharon something I'd made just for her once, but the authorities stopped me before I could reach her. They kept shouting something about a "biohazard". Fil leaves, and Dermot asks what went wrong. Back in the room, Nicole tries to talk the other judges round, because she thinks Fil has the potential to get the crowds going in the arena auditions. Sharon thinks he's too clean, and suggests that he stops washing his shirts and gets "a couple of tattoos on his forehead". Gary says "I want him to come on a motorbike." That's a very niche pornographic interest he's got there. The judges then demonstrate what rock 'n' roll behaviour looks like, by...throwing pens across the room. And then Gary wheels his chair off the dais. He doesn't pick it up, doesn't throw it, just...wheels it off. And that is why you should never allow Gary Barlow to try to teach you how to rock out, with or without your cock out. Gary tells Nicole to call him back in, although obviously this honour ends up being delegated to remember of the production staff. Fil goes back in, and Louis tells him that they want him to come back "totally different". Gary throws his mug at the floor and breaks it, by means of demonstration. The scene in which he carefully picks up all of the pieces while wearing rubber gloves and then gives the affected area a thorough vacuuming was presumably cut for time. Fil rips his shirt off and throws it around, and the judges whoop. "Come back next time and be completely inauthentic" is very strange advice, but everyone on the show including Fil seems to think it's a good idea, so who am I to judge? Fil then swipes his CD back off Sharon, says something profane and whips it across the room. The judges lap it up, and frankly I've seen episodes of Acorn Antiques that were less obviously scripted than this entire audition.

There follows a montage of how Sharon's return has made the panel CRIZAZY. She hits people with bits of paper! She waggles her hand in front of her face! She comments on the size of people's bulges! She says "fabulous" over and over again! She says "shit" occasionally! She does not know that the lyrics to 'Air Hostess' contain the line "I messed my pants when we flew over France"! She makes people uncomfortable by laughing at them! Christ, I'm actually going to want Tulisa back at this rate.

Adverts. When can we expect the new John Lewis Christmas ad? I'm champing at the bit here.

The judges are discussing the new format, entirely spontaneously. Nicole thinks they can be more constructive without the audience behind them, and Gary thinks that makes it more nerve-wracking for the contestants. Yes, that's what they fear the most: CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK, AIEEEE! 26-year-old Rachael McCauley sings 'Lean On Me' and has picked up a lot of bad habits, according to Gary. She gets through, but Sharon "is not expecting great things". Jennifer Jamieson (student, 20) is "not ready", according to Sharon, while Gary "fundamentally does not like the sound of [her] voice". This from a man whose speaking voice sounds like an angle grinder.

From there we go to female duo Silver Rock (16 and 22), who have been together for a whole week and will be singing 'End Of Time' by Beyoncé. Their harmonies are pretty on-point for a group who can't have had much rehearsal time, although it's all quite rough around the edges. Gary likes their voices, but doesn't understand why they've auditioned together - he thinks duos need to be built on some sort of relationship and this doesn't work for him. Nicole thinks they'd be like Destiny's Child if they had another member. Louis asks them to sing individually, so one of them sings 'Listen' (you get a bonus point if you shouted "SING IT, GURL!" at the appropriate point), and the other sings 'Fallin''. Both individual vocals are acceptable. The judges send the girls out while they decide what to do. Nicole thinks they should put them through solo, Louis considers recruiting a third member. Silver Rock are called back in, and Gary tells them that the duo thing isn't working, but they're good individually, so they have a choice: they can leave with four yeses as soloists, and continue in the competition as such, or it's a no as a group. They decide that it'll be a little weird to be competing against each other, but decide it's their best option. They're pretty sunny about it, which Dermot notes is odd for a group that's just been forcibly split up. They wish each other luck, and go their separate ways. Now that they're through as soloists, it would be nice if we knew their actual names. I think one of them is called Tamera, but aside from that I'm drawing a blank.

Dermot tells us that they'll be facing serious competition in the girls' category (I remember them saying that last year, and look what happened): 16-year-old Siana Schofield (no relation to Phillip) [played by Luisa Zissman - Rad] sings 'Breaking The Law' by Emeli Sandé in an irritatingly affected and fat-tongued manner, and gets four yeses from the judges who like her quirky look and voice. Another 16-year-old, Rielle Carrington, sings 'Rockstar' by Nickelback, which would be an automatic disqualification if I were in charge, but the judges like her R&B take on it and her energy, so they want her to be there at the arena auditions. The judges talk about what a great category the girls are, which leads us to Hannah Barrett, who is 17 and from Croydon. She's an A level student who works part-time in Greggs, and therefore gets to eat lots of pasties. Or whatever it is that they pass off as pasties, anyway (a Cornishman writes). She says she wants to be the UK's sweetheart, and giggles saucily. I quite like her. Sharon asks Hannah what her parents think about her plans for musical superstardom, and Hannah says that her dad passed away a couple of years ago (DEAD DAD KLAXON), but he was her inspiration to do music because he used to play Teddy Pendergrass and Aretha Franklin for her. Hannah's mum is supportive, but they have a tough relationship and in fact they don't really get along and Hannah was kicked out of home, so she's now in some sort of sheltered housing system. As much as I don't care for Sharon, I think she handles this well: her earth-mother side comes out as she gently coaxes out of Hannah that it's a nice enough place to be, but it's not home. [From what I remember of Sharon before she was a) quite good with teenagers but b) not with anyone else and c) worse as time went on - both in terms of being better in auditions than in lives and better in series 1 than in later series - Rad] Sharon tells Hannah that all she has to do now is give the performance of a lifetime and earn herself a spot in the competition. Courtesy of the invisible backstage finger, Hannah gets a backing track (this is really starting to vex me now) and sings 'Read All About It' very well indeed, though the show kind of goes overboard on the whole "look how she sings about pain with her painful life!" angle. Sure enough, Gary tells her that it's one thing to sing a song, and another to tell the story through your performance, and he FELT HER PAIN. Nicole says she was blown away. Louis tells her she's got "such a sad face", and Sharon starts laughing. "You can tell he's not got kids," she cackles. Sharon summons Hannah over for an mumsy moment and tells Hannah to work on her performance because it's going to be a tough competition. It's four yeses for Hannah, obviously.

Post-ads, we're...somewhere, listening to people talk about lunch. Once everyone's stomachs have finished grumbling, we get to our next audition: five piece girlband Euphoria Girls, comprised of Beth, Rhiannon, Georgia, Kiera and Lara. They're all very shiny and energetic and giggly. Nicole asks them to explain the group's concept, and Lara (I think) calls them "a PG-version of The Pussycat Dolls". Is that not sort of against the entire point of The Pussycat Dolls? Also, now I'm wondering which one of them is the Carmit. Rhiannon (I think) says that "euphoria means happiness" (not exactly, but close enough) and they're all about spreading happiness. Gary lies that he's a big fan of happiness. The girls sing 'I'm In The Mood For Dancing' in a very shrill way, complete with precise but uninspired choreography. My ever-astute friend Kat referred to them as "Sylvia and the Youngs" on Twitter and I can't possibly top that, so I'm going to do the next best thing and shamelessly steal it instead. Nicole calls them "so cute!" and Sharon says she felt like she was watching a recital, or a dance school end of term display, but they're adorable. Louis liked their happiness, but Gary found it "not good at all". Ugh, I hate it when Gary's right. He didn't like the moves, the vocals or the song choice. "But that can all be worked on!" exclaims Louis. Well yes, technically that's true, but...what's left? Nicole asks if Gary knows how hard it is to sing and dance at the same time. Of course he doesn't, but that's hardly the point. Louis thinks there's potential here. It's a no from Gary, a yes from Louis, a yes-but-you-need-some-attitude from Sharon, and an I'm-going-to-take-a-chance-and-say-yes from Nicole. Louis tells them to make Gary eat his words. I think Gary's already eating plenty. [I'm still having flashbacks at this travesty. Just awful - Helen]

Next there follows a montage of Nicole's endless positivity. She must really be on the good stuff. Raluca and Christina squeal while sharing headphones connected to an iPod. Nicole says that she can tell that they love singing. Lifeguard Alex hollers his way through what I can only assume is 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'. Nicole tells him it's a really difficult song. Nicole tells a cardboard cut-out of Gary that his charm and charisma are at full force today. 48-year-old Jamas Nakasan changes his register about three times during 'We Are The World', and gets a "yes for the intention, but no for The X Factor" from Nicole. Incomprehensible Elizabeth Myers, 47, jumps up and down during 'I Will Survive', and gets a yes for being cute and Irish, but a no for The X Factor. Nicole fails to see how this keeps giving people false expectations. Landscape gardener Frank Justmann, 50, attempts to beatbox 'Mull Of Kintyre' and do all the orchestration with his nose. Nicole wisely remains silent. [That heinous song has never sounded better - Rad]

Our next auditionee arrives with yellow roses for Nicole and Sharon: he's Luke Britnall, he's from Essex, he's 19, and he's a Justin Bieber tribute act, following in the grand tradition of tribute acts by looking nothing like the person he's supposed to be. However, he's been writing his own songs, and he's going to sing one of them for his audition. It's called 'Think Positive' (aha, there's the segue) and Nicole declares that she likes it already. Luke begins playing and singing, and sounds like a hybrid of Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson. I sort of like it, despite myself, although it's a little bit too schmaltzy for comfort. Gary starts singing along, because he's the exact jackass who sings along to a song he's hearing for the first time. Nicole says that it was "precious" and "feelgood". Sharon thought he was very professional. Louis thinks he's a nice guy with a very commercial voice. Gary thinks it was a great audition, and that it was all very promising. Needless to say, it's a unanimous yes for Luke, who gets his own song playing in the background as victory music. That strikes me as being like wearing a band t-shirt when you go to that band's concert - it doesn't look nearly as cool from the outside.

After the competition and the ads, we're into the final stretch. Up next is 35-year-old Sam Bailey, who tells us all about her family: her husband, her two children and her springer spaniel WHO IS DEAF. Sam's a prison officer, and admits that she gets stick at work for singing. She worries in the audition room about being too old, and her husband tells her it's "all about the voice". I think he's a bit confused as to which show she's auditioning for. Sam says that singing gives her the chance to get away from the stresses of life, and be someone else completely. Sam heads into the audition room and gives her background info. On hearing that she's a prison officer, the first question Sharon asks is "men or women?" Heh. (The answer's men, just in case you were wondering.) Sharon then gets fifty shades of hot and bothered thinking about all that hot handcuffing action Sam gets up to on a daily basis. Sam sings 'Listen', and I don't really know why anybody would bother trying to cover this song when perfection has already been achieved, but Sam persists all the same. It's one of those auditions where the voice is impressively strong, but the overall impression is that it all feels a bit dated, and you're struggling to see how this person would sell any records other than in the week leading up to Mother's Day. Nonetheless, she gets a huge round of applause from the judges and the audition room when she's finished. Nicole tells her that's exactly how that song is supposed to be sung (except she didn't say SING IT, GURL! at any point), and Gary adds that her voice is incredible. The plinky piano of old-person-achieves-success-despite-being-old stirs up on the soundtrack, and the judges vote unanimously to take Sam into the next round. (Gary actually says "cuff me, it's a yes", and I don't even want to think about the sort of fanfic that's going to prompt.) Sam rings her kids and says "mummy's made it through!" She doesn't add "so I'm going to see less and less of you for the next three or four months!", though.

Tomorrow: all of tonight's contestants again, as they return to face the crowds at Wembley. Helen will be here to guide you through the good, the bad and the Barlow.