Judges' houses - the results
Tx: 4th October 2009
Last night! People sang! Sinitta, Will Young, Ronan Keating and Kylie were all there! Tonight! We learn who "our" finalists are!
Titles!
Dermot is in the exact same spot in Hollywood as he was last night. He reminds us where everyone went and with whom. The acts talk about how much they want to go through, because their lives depend on it, or something.
In Dubai, Dannii is fanning herself and looking into the distance, ready to break the news to the girls. Lucie is first to learn. She reckons she went to the first audition because she wanted to see what people thought of her, and she never thought she would progress this far - "I'm living my dream. That's the cheesiest thing ever," she declares, showing a surprising amount of self-awareness. She wants to make Wales proud [Drrrrrink! - Rad].
She sits on a chaise longue with Dannii, and she's crying already. Dannii wants to know that her act has X-factor. Lucie is, of course, going through, and she hugs Dannii - "Are you joking? Thank you SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU!" Dannii is happy. Lucie hurls herself at Dermot, which is funny. Dermot doesn't seem to mind.
Yesterday, Nicole totally fucked up Lately, and then cried. She hopes Dannii will take her other performances into account. Stacey M wonders if she did enough, and would be devastated to tell her mum and dad she didn't make it. Rachel says her experience has been amazing, and she hopes she has done enough and doesn't want to let Dannii down. Aw.
Dannii tells Nicole that it was a hard decision, and she has a unique talent, but lacks confidence and calmness. She tells Stacey that she is concerned about her strength as a solo artist, and tells Rachel that she felt yesterday she had arrived. Everyone cries. Nicole's not going through (and gets hugs from Dannii and Dermot); nor is Stacey (who claims to be heartbroken); but Rachel is. Dannii is highly amused at having faked her out. Dermot nearly gets garotted by an overexcited Rachel.
One place left - Stacey S v Despina. Despina wants to make her parents happy, which is all she has ever wanted to do. Stacey can't believe she's here and has met Kylie. Where is Stacey's baby, please? Stacey mocks people who say The X-Factor is the biggest day of their lives, but she thinks it is the biggest day of her life too. [I quite liked that side of her, although it makes me worry that I'd turn into a simp if I got to judges' houses too. Not that that's an especially pressing concern, all things considered. - Steve] Dannii tells Despina that she has been fantastic since the first audition - she has the looks and the voice, but her concern is her connection when she performs. Dannii tells Stacey that she has a great voice and personality, and it takes strength to go through the three months of competition. Despina is not going through (and she weeps copious amounts of mascara over her face); which means Stacey is. - "We love you! You're in the final top three!" Stacey comes out and hyperventilates at Dermot, and then rings her family. Including her baby.
In Italy, it is raining. Dermot is under an umbrella in the middle of the deluge, and wonders if Mother Nature is trying to tell Louis anything. YES, all his acts are an ABOMINATION AGAINST THE NATURAL WORLD. [Or - Mother Nature wants Kandy Rain in the Top 12. - Steve] Louis tells Dermot he has changed his mind overnight about who he's putting through. All the acts say the usual stuff about their dreams and wanting everything lots.
Suddenly it stops raining, meaning Louis can break news to people outside. De-Tour tell Louis they are nervous; Louis tells them they have great voices and likeability, but wonders about their star quality, and so he is sending them home. Dermot does manly backslapping. Next up, Miss Frank - Louis loved Graziella as a soloist, and likes them as a group, so they're through. Thank fuck for that; everyone else in this category is shit or hateable or both. All three of them rush out and mob Dermot.
Louis is glad he gave Harmony Hood a lifeline, but he is not sure the public will understand them, so he's sending them home. Louis thinks Kandy Rain are sexy and sassy, and is putting them through. Seriously, who is going to vote for this mob? If straight teenage boys voted in this, then yes, maybe, but they DON'T. [I agree, but who else is worth putting through? At least this lot can get a couple of tabloid exposes to up the show's publicity - Rad]
John and Edward apparently have great potential and remind Louis of Boyzone. Louis has always liked Project A, but he is not sure they have the wow factor. He has thought long and hard about his decision, and of course he is putting John and Edward through. They're from IRELAND, you know.
Time for Cheryl to announce her decisions. Rikki is a twat and we hate him. He cries about wanting people to believe in him. Cheryl tells him she is proud of him, but she is upset that he does not believe in himself. [I have my doubts that someone who lacked self-belief would audition four times for a show that claims to be searching for a superstar. - Steve] She says it wasn't an easy decision, but she is putting him through. GOD. He promises that he will win it for her. Hang on, did he really say that? Manly hug from Dermot.
Lloyd thinks Cheryl understands his passion. Fnar. Cheryl tells Ethan that he wasn't as good as he'd been previously, and tells Lloyd that he shocked her yesterday because he really delivered, but she is worried about how young he is. Ethan hasn't made it through. But Lloyd has. Srsly, Cheryl? Where are OUR bits of fluff this series then? "I mean it, Lloyd....you have to become a little man," she tells him. [I hate Lloyd with the burning intensity of a thousand suns, so he'll probably win. - Steve]
The little musical theatre gay thinks it's time they found someone different on the show. Like Rhydian? Cheryl isn't sure she can bring the best out of him. Which is probably fair enough. And then she's about to announce her decision, and changes her mind and wanders off. How fucking rude. She talks off-camera, saying, "It just doesn't feel right." Then madam decides she's ready to carry on, and apologises to Daniel. She says that he is so specific in his style of singing, she couldn't take him through. But - wasn't that what she was saying before? So what didn't feel right? [That the attention was on someone else, probably. - Steve] [I don't know what was odder - what Cheryl did, or the fact they didn't edit it out. The nation did not approve of her actions, or choices, going on the Twitter response last night. Memo to Nation's Sweetheart: Mentoring - you're doing it wrong - Rad]
Duane From Da Hood (who keeps crying) is next to find out. Cheryl thinks his passion makes him rigid. HAHAHAHAHA. She then tells Joe that she always felt like she knew him, because he is from South Shields. (She doesn't say that. That's me extrapolating.) She has put her head over her heart, and put sentiment to one side. But she has made her decision - Duane is not going through (and he shakes and sobs like he's been in a car crash); obviously Joe is, but that was a foregone conclusion.
Now we're over in LA, where the over 25s have had a long and sleepless night. Danyl shouted a lot and twatted around the stage a lot, but he realises that nothing is a given in this category. Simon puts on a funny voice to say, "Hello, Danyl!" Also, his contestants don't get to sit down - they have to stand in front of him while he's seated, a bit like a medieval monarch. [And stand right in front of a pool, leading me to hope that one of them might fall in during the obligatory losing-all-sensation-in-the-knees moment. - Steve] Anyway, he was disappointed, but he's still taking him through to the live finals.
The others all talk to Dermot about being nervous. We are reminded that Daniel "gave up" music seven years ago, and that it was very difficult for him. Simon tries to do empathy with him and fails. Simon wonders if Treyc has the personality to shine among 12 acts. Olly was the subject of a lengthy conversation between Simon and Sinitta. Simon says it's about giving someone a first shot, so Daniel is out. Treyc didn't make it either. Olly is through, though, because Simon likes to take risks.
Nicole declares this to be the biggest moment of her life, and she is worried about seeing "the big boy", because Simon was the one judge to say "no" to her at the first audition. Simon believes Jamie is what he says on the tin. What? Simon is worried about Nicole's bad habits and club singing style. [But she has a DEAD DAD. Does not compute. - Rad] So it's bad news for her and no grown-up ladies through to the final 12, but a plethora of annoying men [all of whom messed up big style at judges' houses. Pah. - Rad]. Simon tries to fake Jamie out with: "Jamie, you're going home. With an invitation to the live finals." That was mean too. Weirdo judges.
Next week! The first live show - Joe McElderry, Lloyd Daniels, Rikki Loney (who we hate; Cheryl says he is quirky, which is what she said about Diana THE CLAW Vickers); Stacey Solomon, Lucie Jones, Rachel Adedeji; Kandy Rain (who Louis thinks everyone will love), Miss Frank, John and Edward; Olly Murs, Danyl Johnson, and Jamie Archer.
Apparently everything next week is ALL-NEW! Special guest stars are Alexandra BURKE and Robbie WILLIAMS! It's another two-show weekend, so join us then!
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Your house or mine?
Judges' houses, part one
Tx: 3rd October 2009
200,000 mad deluded characters auditioned, and now they've been whittled down to the final 25. Or 24. They're going to travel THE WORLD with their respective mentors who are going to either put them through three months of live TV purgatory, or put them out of their misery now, crushing all their dreams.
Titles!
Dermot welcomes us to Hollywood, and explains the whole concept of this stage of the competition. The final 24 acts have gone to the airport to fly away to their judge's house. This is NOT a holiday, we are reminded, and then we are told very briefly about Trucolourz being kicked out and Harmony Hood replacing them. [Being kicked out for one of them being 15, which last year and the year before would have been perfectly fine, although the show skips over that little thorny issue - Rad]
Right - the old people are off to LA, the girls are going to Dubai with Dannii, the boys are going to Morocco with Cheryl, and the groups are expecting to go to Ireland with Louis. And why wouldn't they be? But it turns out they're going to Italy instead, and they are all very happy about not having to go to Dublin. Random shots of aeroplanes - do the contestants really fly on easyjet?
In Italy, it is raining. Louis is highly amused. The groups wander around the house and keep touching things. Louis comes out onto the balcony for his Eva Peron turn, and reveals that his lovely assistant this year is Ronan Keating. THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD. No Dublin; no Westlife; what's going on? [No Kate Moss, though. Always thought that rumour was too mad to be true. - Steve]
In Morocco, the boys are looking nonsensically young as they wander round. Cheryl is looking wistful in the big house. She's got her own lovely assistant - Will Young. The excitement of one or two of the boys is so blatant; I can only draw my own conclusions from that. You draw yours too.
In LA, the old people pile out of the car into Simon's new house. He is wearing a see-through shirt unbuttoned to the navel. Of course, he's got Sinitta with him, and she is clad only in four plant leaves, fanning herself with a fifth. Sinitta is awesome. [I love Sinitta and all, but I can't help thinking this year might be where she officially crossed the line from "eccentric dresser" to "attention seeker". - Steve] Simon sends her back into the house.
The girls are playing in a water park in Dubai, cuddling dolphins and so on. Dannii points out that this is not in fact a holiday. She is dressed a bit like a peacock. Her lovely assistant is Kylie - "I'd like to introduce [major pause] my sister." And the girls scream ridiculously and are so totally in disbelief it's funny. Kylie's accent is a weird British-Aussie hybrid. I like it.
Dermot's now in Marrakesh, and the backing music is that bloody awful Jai Ho thing that the Strictly singers killed last week. Joe is first up for the boys. He wants to make his family proud. Cheryl and Will whisper to him, for some reason, rather than talking to him like normal people. Joe sings Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word [Ugh. This song. Every bloody year. - Rad] . I really want to send him to a good teacher to show him how to control his vibrato and high notes properly. But then, I could say that of most people in this show. Oh - Will Young says that Joe needs to control his belting properly! I could be a lovely assistant on this show!
Lloyd is the youngest left in the competition, and he is nervous. He doesn't know how to use a microphone, and he shouts Jason Mraz's I'm Yours. [The same song he fucked up at his first audition, if I'm not mistaken. HATE. - Steve] Cheryl looks inclined to cry at his youth; Will is dubious that he'll be able to cope.
Oh, Daniel is the musical theatre gay who'll be kicked out for being too musical theatre. He sings Without You in a very G4 way. If he could control his facial scarletness when he sings, he could sell records. Will points out to Cheryl that just cos he's a different kind of singer, it doesn't mean that he won't do well.
Ethan assures us that he loves the UK and really wants to be a singer, even though he is American and wouldn't do anything at all if he was on Idol. He devises an entirely new melody to I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues. Not unpleasant, though. "He didn't do a great vocal. But he's quite handsome," opines Will, encapsulating this whole show in those succinct sentences.
Duane wheels out a sob story about people he knows BEING DEAD due to CRIME in DANGEROUS LONDON. Then he sings about three lines of Ne-Yo's Closer before wandering off to weep into the camera. Will says he was off-pitch; Cheryl retorts that he is a really nice guy. Oh. That's all right then.
Rikki is widely hated by your Bitching team. He was the one who lied about his mum not knowing he was auditioning. He does stupid affected dancing while wearing a cap and yodelling You've Got A Friend. Oh, I loathe him. He has such a punchable face. I don't think Will likes him either. [I am trying to steel myself for him inevitably getting through, but I just have rage when I think about it - Rad]
Cheryl and Will deliberate. She complains about it being the worst part of her job. While they chat, the boys sob to camera about how worried they are. Then Cheryl and Will reach a conclusion and high-five. But we won't find out what they've decided until later!
Ronan says Louis was like a father to him. Ick. Project A want to be a proper group rather than just a bunch of cheerleaders. Well, start developing some harmonies then, rather than just sticking another line a third below the tune. Oh - they have. They've got some oohs and aahs underneath the melody of What's Going On. Grim. Ronan admires their chemistry; Louis admires their likeability.
Kandy Rain are simpleton ex-strippers who dressed provocatively for Louis's benefit without considering what a waste of effort that might be. Louis asks stupid questions about them being strippers, including, "Did you see Simon at any of those clubs?" They sing a fuckawful version of Paparazzi. [I loved how the editors neatly snipped out the really high-pitched part of the chorus. I bet that wasn't pretty. - Steve] Ronan and Louis think it'll be hard to get girls to vote for them. True that.
De-Tour have too many necklaces and perform Tiny Dancer like they have itching powder in their three-quarter-length khaki combats. Ronan and Louis are unimpressed, though not as unimpressed as I am with Harmony Hood and their "How Hood Are You?" t-shirts and their utterly uninspired rendition of Never Can Say Goodbye. Ronan and Louis look a bit confused.
Miss Frank are the cobbled together solo rejects. They sing Respect. The middle one's facial expressions reminds me of the gospel choir soloist in Ally McBeal. Do you know who I mean? Probably not. Louis admires their chemistry; Ronan is impressed.
Oh, fuck, it's fucking John and Edward who I hate more than I hated Eoghan QUIGG. And I laugh a lot when Dermot says, "They're wondering what a yes from Louis could lead to." They want to go out with Christina Aguilera (who's married) and Britney (umm...). Hang on, they sing I Want It That Way in unison. What's the point of being a group? At least they know they were bad. Ronan thinks they should have more chemistry because they are twins. Louis thinks people will like them. WHICH PEOPLE, WALSH? Ronan, to his credit, looks unconvinced. John and Edward cry A LOT in a stroppy sulky fashion at Dermot. Time for Louis and Ronan to make their choices. [They should just offer Dannii and Simon's categories their places and send all of the groups home - Rad]
Now Simon and Sinitta must do their selections. Olly gets For Once In My Life as backing music, rather than Minder. He sings one of my favourite songs ever, A Song For You. I'm sure if you'd never heard Karen Carpenter sing this (the definite version, as far as I'm concerned) you'd quite like this. As it is, I think it's mannered and fake. Simon thinks he was too nervous.
Treyc sings All The Man That I Need, and wow, she actually is pretty good. Simon's hiding a smile; Sinitta is beaming. That is a great performance. Simon thinks that she lacks star belief.
We are reminded that Daniel is a big old failure, while Cheryl is a big success and National Treasure. He says that he has to provide for his family. Well, get a proper job, then. How many more years must we fucking say this? Also, Dermot, he didn't do Rivals "as a boy" - it was seven years ago, and he's 31 now, making him 24 then - perfectly grown-up. Um, wait a minute, why does Daniel have backing singers for his version of Praying For Time? [And why are they all lounging around against the wall as though they just popped in for a cocktail on their way out for the evening? - Steve] Simon likes him. Sinitta says she has liked everyone so far, and asks, "Are there any bad ones?"
Nicole originally auditioned in Birmingham, and was mediocre at boot camp with her performance of the song that will henceforth be known as that bloody song from Dreamgirls. Her dad IS DEAD. She bellows Up To The Mountains, and also has some backing singers. She has mistaken volume for ability. Simon and Sinitta are under the impression that it was fabulous, though, and want to put all four through so far. [To be fair, though none except perhaps Treyc were all that, I'd still rather put them all through than any of the groups and most of the boys - Rad]
Danyl sings that Alicia Keys' song with the metronome. What's it called? Fallin'. That's it. He takes a really weird breath in the middle of the word "keep". I don't even know how that's possible. Simon thinks it was over the top but good. He and Sinitta concur that Danyl is a "Marmite" artiste.
Stupid Jamie Afro and his stupid Jamie Afro is the last one in this category. He over-emotes Stop Crying Your Heart Out. I wouldn't put him through just for his stupid tearful face. Simon seems to like it, though. Now he and Sinitta must decide which three are going through. Daniel reckons his life rides on Simon's decision. Really, really not.
Over to Dubai with the girls and the sisters Minogue. Kylie is excited to be working with her sister and making important decisions. Stacey S wants to be good at something and make everyone around her happy. I can't even bring myself to be cynical about Stacey S. She sings Somewhere Over The Rainbow, because that hasn't been overdone on this show at all. Kylie loves the tone she has to her voice; Dannii is concerned about her self-belief. Stacey talks to Dermot about her nerves and demonstrates how wobbly her legs felt through the medium of mime.
Stacey Mc pretends that she has never sung before in her whole life, and has noticeably over-applied the fake tan to her face. She yelps her way through Britney's Sometimes. Kylie wonders how she'd cope with a big range of songs, like she'll have to do in the live shows [Oh Kylie. I love you, but clearly you don't watch the live shows - Rad].
Rachel is shocked to have made it this far. She sings Nobody Knows. Dannii and Kylie nod benignly. She comes out shaking. Kylie thinks she was engaging; Dannii agrees but suspects that she was holding something back.
Despina has a brilliant name and is very pretty, and is worried that she will let her family down - "I can't go home with a no." She tries to take on The Voice Within, which is too much for her - her belt doesn't stretch that far, which is fine, very few people's do, but it lacks some impact. Dannii thinks it's a hard song to sing; Kylie thinks she made it sound easy. Hmm. No.
Lucie comes from a TINY VILLAGE (right next to Beautiful Cardiff). She is not quite sure where Dubai is. She talks about living in a TINY VILLAGE ON TOP OF A HILL. [The quality of sob stories has really gone down this year - Rad] She doesn't think she could go home and tell people if she got a no. Sigh. She sings Anything For You. She's very good at the ballads, but I don't see any versatility from her. If I were Simon, I'd say, "What's she going to do in Disco Week?" but I am not, so I shan't.
Nicole is nervous about singing the song Dannii has picked for her, and then snivels horribly about not being in touch with her dad. Seriously, show, that's cruel, making a teenager cry about the dad she's lost. Oh - the song she's been given is Lately, and she entirely falls apart in the middle, clapping a hand over her mouth and trying to pick it up. She does, but in a different key. Kylie says, "I feel like crying for her." [Ha! I'd love to see her try. Her face didn't move a single millimetre throughout the whole of this segment. - Steve] Nicole weeps as she goes down the corridor to meet Dermot.
Dannii shuffles the cards around, and then declares, "I have made a decision." Kylie smiles at her in a big sisterly way and replies, "Well done." Heh.
Tomorrow! We will find out who's through! Join me then!
Tx: 3rd October 2009
200,000 mad deluded characters auditioned, and now they've been whittled down to the final 25. Or 24. They're going to travel THE WORLD with their respective mentors who are going to either put them through three months of live TV purgatory, or put them out of their misery now, crushing all their dreams.
Titles!
Dermot welcomes us to Hollywood, and explains the whole concept of this stage of the competition. The final 24 acts have gone to the airport to fly away to their judge's house. This is NOT a holiday, we are reminded, and then we are told very briefly about Trucolourz being kicked out and Harmony Hood replacing them. [Being kicked out for one of them being 15, which last year and the year before would have been perfectly fine, although the show skips over that little thorny issue - Rad]
Right - the old people are off to LA, the girls are going to Dubai with Dannii, the boys are going to Morocco with Cheryl, and the groups are expecting to go to Ireland with Louis. And why wouldn't they be? But it turns out they're going to Italy instead, and they are all very happy about not having to go to Dublin. Random shots of aeroplanes - do the contestants really fly on easyjet?
In Italy, it is raining. Louis is highly amused. The groups wander around the house and keep touching things. Louis comes out onto the balcony for his Eva Peron turn, and reveals that his lovely assistant this year is Ronan Keating. THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD. No Dublin; no Westlife; what's going on? [No Kate Moss, though. Always thought that rumour was too mad to be true. - Steve]
In Morocco, the boys are looking nonsensically young as they wander round. Cheryl is looking wistful in the big house. She's got her own lovely assistant - Will Young. The excitement of one or two of the boys is so blatant; I can only draw my own conclusions from that. You draw yours too.
In LA, the old people pile out of the car into Simon's new house. He is wearing a see-through shirt unbuttoned to the navel. Of course, he's got Sinitta with him, and she is clad only in four plant leaves, fanning herself with a fifth. Sinitta is awesome. [I love Sinitta and all, but I can't help thinking this year might be where she officially crossed the line from "eccentric dresser" to "attention seeker". - Steve] Simon sends her back into the house.
The girls are playing in a water park in Dubai, cuddling dolphins and so on. Dannii points out that this is not in fact a holiday. She is dressed a bit like a peacock. Her lovely assistant is Kylie - "I'd like to introduce [major pause] my sister." And the girls scream ridiculously and are so totally in disbelief it's funny. Kylie's accent is a weird British-Aussie hybrid. I like it.
Dermot's now in Marrakesh, and the backing music is that bloody awful Jai Ho thing that the Strictly singers killed last week. Joe is first up for the boys. He wants to make his family proud. Cheryl and Will whisper to him, for some reason, rather than talking to him like normal people. Joe sings Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word [Ugh. This song. Every bloody year. - Rad] . I really want to send him to a good teacher to show him how to control his vibrato and high notes properly. But then, I could say that of most people in this show. Oh - Will Young says that Joe needs to control his belting properly! I could be a lovely assistant on this show!
Lloyd is the youngest left in the competition, and he is nervous. He doesn't know how to use a microphone, and he shouts Jason Mraz's I'm Yours. [The same song he fucked up at his first audition, if I'm not mistaken. HATE. - Steve] Cheryl looks inclined to cry at his youth; Will is dubious that he'll be able to cope.
Oh, Daniel is the musical theatre gay who'll be kicked out for being too musical theatre. He sings Without You in a very G4 way. If he could control his facial scarletness when he sings, he could sell records. Will points out to Cheryl that just cos he's a different kind of singer, it doesn't mean that he won't do well.
Ethan assures us that he loves the UK and really wants to be a singer, even though he is American and wouldn't do anything at all if he was on Idol. He devises an entirely new melody to I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues. Not unpleasant, though. "He didn't do a great vocal. But he's quite handsome," opines Will, encapsulating this whole show in those succinct sentences.
Duane wheels out a sob story about people he knows BEING DEAD due to CRIME in DANGEROUS LONDON. Then he sings about three lines of Ne-Yo's Closer before wandering off to weep into the camera. Will says he was off-pitch; Cheryl retorts that he is a really nice guy. Oh. That's all right then.
Rikki is widely hated by your Bitching team. He was the one who lied about his mum not knowing he was auditioning. He does stupid affected dancing while wearing a cap and yodelling You've Got A Friend. Oh, I loathe him. He has such a punchable face. I don't think Will likes him either. [I am trying to steel myself for him inevitably getting through, but I just have rage when I think about it - Rad]
Cheryl and Will deliberate. She complains about it being the worst part of her job. While they chat, the boys sob to camera about how worried they are. Then Cheryl and Will reach a conclusion and high-five. But we won't find out what they've decided until later!
Ronan says Louis was like a father to him. Ick. Project A want to be a proper group rather than just a bunch of cheerleaders. Well, start developing some harmonies then, rather than just sticking another line a third below the tune. Oh - they have. They've got some oohs and aahs underneath the melody of What's Going On. Grim. Ronan admires their chemistry; Louis admires their likeability.
Kandy Rain are simpleton ex-strippers who dressed provocatively for Louis's benefit without considering what a waste of effort that might be. Louis asks stupid questions about them being strippers, including, "Did you see Simon at any of those clubs?" They sing a fuckawful version of Paparazzi. [I loved how the editors neatly snipped out the really high-pitched part of the chorus. I bet that wasn't pretty. - Steve] Ronan and Louis think it'll be hard to get girls to vote for them. True that.
De-Tour have too many necklaces and perform Tiny Dancer like they have itching powder in their three-quarter-length khaki combats. Ronan and Louis are unimpressed, though not as unimpressed as I am with Harmony Hood and their "How Hood Are You?" t-shirts and their utterly uninspired rendition of Never Can Say Goodbye. Ronan and Louis look a bit confused.
Miss Frank are the cobbled together solo rejects. They sing Respect. The middle one's facial expressions reminds me of the gospel choir soloist in Ally McBeal. Do you know who I mean? Probably not. Louis admires their chemistry; Ronan is impressed.
Oh, fuck, it's fucking John and Edward who I hate more than I hated Eoghan QUIGG. And I laugh a lot when Dermot says, "They're wondering what a yes from Louis could lead to." They want to go out with Christina Aguilera (who's married) and Britney (umm...). Hang on, they sing I Want It That Way in unison. What's the point of being a group? At least they know they were bad. Ronan thinks they should have more chemistry because they are twins. Louis thinks people will like them. WHICH PEOPLE, WALSH? Ronan, to his credit, looks unconvinced. John and Edward cry A LOT in a stroppy sulky fashion at Dermot. Time for Louis and Ronan to make their choices. [They should just offer Dannii and Simon's categories their places and send all of the groups home - Rad]
Now Simon and Sinitta must do their selections. Olly gets For Once In My Life as backing music, rather than Minder. He sings one of my favourite songs ever, A Song For You. I'm sure if you'd never heard Karen Carpenter sing this (the definite version, as far as I'm concerned) you'd quite like this. As it is, I think it's mannered and fake. Simon thinks he was too nervous.
Treyc sings All The Man That I Need, and wow, she actually is pretty good. Simon's hiding a smile; Sinitta is beaming. That is a great performance. Simon thinks that she lacks star belief.
We are reminded that Daniel is a big old failure, while Cheryl is a big success and National Treasure. He says that he has to provide for his family. Well, get a proper job, then. How many more years must we fucking say this? Also, Dermot, he didn't do Rivals "as a boy" - it was seven years ago, and he's 31 now, making him 24 then - perfectly grown-up. Um, wait a minute, why does Daniel have backing singers for his version of Praying For Time? [And why are they all lounging around against the wall as though they just popped in for a cocktail on their way out for the evening? - Steve] Simon likes him. Sinitta says she has liked everyone so far, and asks, "Are there any bad ones?"
Nicole originally auditioned in Birmingham, and was mediocre at boot camp with her performance of the song that will henceforth be known as that bloody song from Dreamgirls. Her dad IS DEAD. She bellows Up To The Mountains, and also has some backing singers. She has mistaken volume for ability. Simon and Sinitta are under the impression that it was fabulous, though, and want to put all four through so far. [To be fair, though none except perhaps Treyc were all that, I'd still rather put them all through than any of the groups and most of the boys - Rad]
Danyl sings that Alicia Keys' song with the metronome. What's it called? Fallin'. That's it. He takes a really weird breath in the middle of the word "keep". I don't even know how that's possible. Simon thinks it was over the top but good. He and Sinitta concur that Danyl is a "Marmite" artiste.
Stupid Jamie Afro and his stupid Jamie Afro is the last one in this category. He over-emotes Stop Crying Your Heart Out. I wouldn't put him through just for his stupid tearful face. Simon seems to like it, though. Now he and Sinitta must decide which three are going through. Daniel reckons his life rides on Simon's decision. Really, really not.
Over to Dubai with the girls and the sisters Minogue. Kylie is excited to be working with her sister and making important decisions. Stacey S wants to be good at something and make everyone around her happy. I can't even bring myself to be cynical about Stacey S. She sings Somewhere Over The Rainbow, because that hasn't been overdone on this show at all. Kylie loves the tone she has to her voice; Dannii is concerned about her self-belief. Stacey talks to Dermot about her nerves and demonstrates how wobbly her legs felt through the medium of mime.
Stacey Mc pretends that she has never sung before in her whole life, and has noticeably over-applied the fake tan to her face. She yelps her way through Britney's Sometimes. Kylie wonders how she'd cope with a big range of songs, like she'll have to do in the live shows [Oh Kylie. I love you, but clearly you don't watch the live shows - Rad].
Rachel is shocked to have made it this far. She sings Nobody Knows. Dannii and Kylie nod benignly. She comes out shaking. Kylie thinks she was engaging; Dannii agrees but suspects that she was holding something back.
Despina has a brilliant name and is very pretty, and is worried that she will let her family down - "I can't go home with a no." She tries to take on The Voice Within, which is too much for her - her belt doesn't stretch that far, which is fine, very few people's do, but it lacks some impact. Dannii thinks it's a hard song to sing; Kylie thinks she made it sound easy. Hmm. No.
Lucie comes from a TINY VILLAGE (right next to Beautiful Cardiff). She is not quite sure where Dubai is. She talks about living in a TINY VILLAGE ON TOP OF A HILL. [The quality of sob stories has really gone down this year - Rad] She doesn't think she could go home and tell people if she got a no. Sigh. She sings Anything For You. She's very good at the ballads, but I don't see any versatility from her. If I were Simon, I'd say, "What's she going to do in Disco Week?" but I am not, so I shan't.
Nicole is nervous about singing the song Dannii has picked for her, and then snivels horribly about not being in touch with her dad. Seriously, show, that's cruel, making a teenager cry about the dad she's lost. Oh - the song she's been given is Lately, and she entirely falls apart in the middle, clapping a hand over her mouth and trying to pick it up. She does, but in a different key. Kylie says, "I feel like crying for her." [Ha! I'd love to see her try. Her face didn't move a single millimetre throughout the whole of this segment. - Steve] Nicole weeps as she goes down the corridor to meet Dermot.
Dannii shuffles the cards around, and then declares, "I have made a decision." Kylie smiles at her in a big sisterly way and replies, "Well done." Heh.
Tomorrow! We will find out who's through! Join me then!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
It's a man's world
Bootcamp: Day Two Broadcast 27 September 2009
Welcome back! Yesterday 200 people were back for Boot Camp and then were whittled down to 50! Considering the quality of many of them, they probably could have whittled them down to 50 in the first place and saved all the hassle. Anyway, tonight we see the final 24 and the judges find out which category they'll be mentoring, even though it was leaked all over the internet weeks ago.
We're back in London, as ever, and sadly, we are still faced with more boring live performances. I miss the boot camps of yore when they had to interpret a song in a wacky way in a studio or hotel. At least it *looked* more interesting than the same kind of stage we've seen all through the auditions and will see all through the live shows (minus NotLouis' artistic direction, mind you).
First up is Behrouz, our token Chico/Icaro contestant, but in the absence of Sharon Osbourne, will he get any further? He babbles some nonsense about The X Factor being once in a lifetime, which the likes of, ooh, last year's winner, might disagree with. Anyway, he gruffvoices through the opening of 'Purple Rain', then goes into a really weird high moany bit, and let's just say he's no Ruth Lorenzo. Nor is he through.
Treyc of the terrible spelling is up next, and guess what? She has a job WHICH IS SHIT. She sings 'Ben', which seems to be a very odd choice for anyone that isn't a prepubescent boy, but as we all know from last year, Simon seems to like it, and she does a servicable job.
Some woman who looks a bit like Claudia Winkleman also tried to do a Lorenzo (can we have Ruth's solo album yet?) and is better then Behrouz, but fairly unmemorable. A 16 year old called Lloyd does 'You are Not Alone' but I'm not sure we're likely to have two blond 16-year olds in a row getting to the final 12.
Kandy Rain put their best Hope-esque clothes on and sing Oasis's 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out'. Kudos for the song choice, but I still find them unremarkable. Some girl with big hair sings 'And I Am Telling You', which is this year's 'Falling' and I am so, so over it.
Dermot tells us that backstage, everyone is nervous and doesn't want their dream to end - we are reminded that 17 year old Dominic got to the judges' houses a couple of years ago, until Dannii stamped on his dreams. He sings a very weird version of 'Last Request'. His tone of voice is OK, but his rhythm, timing and breathing are all over the place. Louis says he's trying too hard and Dannii says she likes what he tried to do with the song. Note the 'tried'.
Ads. OK, I get that the neon rainbow song is fitting for the visuals and all, TalkTalk, but I'm beginning to hate it now. Oh, and a special mention for the Dell 'Lollipop' ad, which is my mum's pet hate. Not that she debases herself enough to watch The X Factor. I am such a disappointment.
Welcome back, and here we have hastily cobbled together girlband Miss Frank (which suggests to me that poor old Miss Fitz are out of the door). I like the girls themselves, they seem nice and they look good together, but this performance of 'Wishing on a Star' is a hot fried mess. The judges lap it up, though, as they always do with their cobbled together groups. Simon is the only one with a vague sense of being the voice of reason, which is not unusual. To be fair, there's potential here, but at the moment they're really not good. At risk of repeating myself, let's just sack off the groups next time and have younger men, younger women, older men and older women instead. I haven't seen one group this year even vaguely capable of winning.
Someone called Thomas who we may or may not have seen before screws up 'Holding Back the Years' and I at least appreciate that we are seeing more people than usual. A 'vocal coach' called Ivy Chanel (great name) fluffs 'Hurt'. It looked like she might have had a cool back tattoo but ITV Player died when I tried to rewind it and see, so I can't tell you whether that was true or not. Scott, the guy with autism from last week, also fluffs his words and Simon quite sweetly tells him not to be too upset as lots of people have done the same thing. It won't help his chances, mind.
Next up is Rikki, who I've decided is my one to hate on this year, although I don't know if my fellow Bitchers feel the same. [Yep. - Carrie] He is wearing a hat, HSM fans! Oh, and some dreadful shorts, and leaning against a piano and singing 'Chasing Pavements' and he screeches his way through it. Haaaaaaaaaaaate. He cries about his poorly throat and it's so hard to give a fuck, I'm afraid. [Particularly as he has no problem with actually talking and projecting. - Carrie] AND he has evil eyebrows.
More blinking ads. Sigh.
Next up, we have Olly, who is shown posing in a street wearing shoes but no socks. This isn't Miami Vice, you know, fella. They're playing the music from The Sweeney for no discernible reason, unless he is also someone who likes to write the theemtoon and sing the theemtoon. He's singing 'Your Song' and it's fine. I'm just relieved that Rikki is off my screen so anyone else is an improvement, to be honest.
ITV Player has crashed yet again. If this recap doesn't reach you until Friday, this will be the reason why.
Um, OK, this is weird, but ITV Player seems to put the ads in different places each time, so whatever happened between Olly and now will never be recapped. I'm guessing we didn't miss much though.
A male duo resembling Journey South also sing 'Last Request' and will never be heard from again. Harmony Hood, who were bouncing around in their first audition sing a somewhat subdued 'With or Without You' and I miss the energy of their earlier performance. A young boy (the boy with the tag?) sings 'You are Not Alone' and mouthy girl group Plan A (or Project A? I daren't rewind), who've been on The Xtra Factor a lot sing a reasonable 'Rise'. Stacey McLean who was in S Club Juniors wants it 110%. Wrong show. On this show it's a million percent or nothing. She also sings 'With or Without You' and it's a little screechy but generally fine. Oh, guess what, nobody wants it more than our next contestant. It's Jamie Archer (apparently Jamie Afro is even too naff a name for this show) who was a sickhead last time but gave a decent performance. At 34 this is his last chance, apparently, despite all the 80 year olds we get. He is ALSO doing 'With or Without You'. I get that they've probably only given them a handful of songs to sing, but they could have spaced the choices out throughout the show. He's perfectly fine and is a shoo-in for judges' houses and the live shows. I still don't like him as a person much but have no major issues with his singing, at least not compared to most others on this show. The judges love him.
19-year-old Stacey does a reasonable version of 'There You'll Be' - I think she could do well. Her voice falters a bit but it's generally nice and she seems popular personality-wise. Perhaps I spoke too soon - Dannii and Simon are unconvinced.
Next up is one of the anointed ones, teacher Danyl. Everyone went nuts about him first time round except me (and possibly my fellow Bitchers), but he's alright, I suppose. He's doing 'Holding Back the Years' and starting with a 1, 2, 3 and some boomboxing is not a way to win my heart, fella. Can I get a trying too hard with all the weirdness of these verses? It's all over the place and ridiculously affected, like he's thrown every r'n'b singer cliche in all at once. When he eventually starts singing the chorus, it's alright, but he needs to change his bad habits before I'm convinced. Simon says, 'You didn't ever consider singing the melody of that song, did you?' Louis says, 'He's a little over-confident for me,' and Simon says, 'A little?' Ha. Also: is it pronouced Danill or Daniel? The show doesn't seem to know. He fake cries to the camera about how he'd let so many people down if he didn't get there (unlike his classes who he might let down if he does get there, eh, Beverley?).
Shots of the judges arriving in some very dodgy looking back alley. Mmm, attractive. Louis says there are some acts he loves and some acts Simon hates (that creepy blond McDougall Brothers meet Rhydian meet the seventh circle of hell duo, perhaps?). Simon gets a much funkier car than anyone else.
They are choosing on some weird computer thing rather than using photos which would make marginally more sense if they'd used it all the way through, but hey, a new gimmick is a new gimmick so I'll try to get on board. They look at the boys first and we get a rather serviceable recap of them with the judges commenting on each, and with us seeing which comments go with which contestant some of the time. I approve. Unfortunately, I really can't face recapping all of the recaps of all of the categories, especially as we pretty much know who's going through anyway. Interestingly, they spend longer on the boys and over-25 men than any of the others. In fact, I'm not even sure they talked about any 25+ women in this bit. Guess this year's pre-ordained winner will be a man, eh, people? Judging by these recaps and the brevity of time dedicated to the category, it won't be sixth time lucky for the groups. Cheryl looks rather bored during the whole thing.
Dead Brother Daryl is on stage with some people we've never heard of. Things don't look good for him... they're not through, and he's upset because no-one wanted it more than him. No-one. Got that, all the people further up the page trying to make the same claim? Next up: Jamie Afro, the lady with the dead dad, Stacey SClub and Olly, although Louis tells us putting them through wasn't a unanimous decision. Single Mum Stacey, Rikki, Miss Frank, Treyc and some random are also through. Harmony Hood and a random group are out. More randoms and the two girls who were vaguely Leona-esque the other week are also out. Scott and more randoms = out, but Simon tells Scott he 'did great' and has 'grown as a person' so, y'know, that's makes everything alright, doesn't it? He gets to shake the judges' hands and kiss Cheryl unlike these other anonymous losers. More randoms go home, but Project A and Kandy Rain are through to recreate the stunning success of the girl groups in days gone by.
'Comeback Contestant' Dominic (whoops, wrong show) is on stage with some randoms. Hard luck, kid. Dannii looks like she might cry and the producers make him go to her for a hug, which seems a bit uncomfortable. Cheryl then hugs Dannii to stop more evil tabloid rumours, and Dannii cries. Aww. They force the poor kid in front of the camera and he's not composed enough to speak. Oh noes! Fit Ethan is on stage with some no-marks. Many people weep. And then they go through. Colour me shocked. The scary blonde boy duo, Daniel OTV, the Rihanna-lookalike Rachel and the other boy duo are all through. However Louis will choose which boy duo will go on to the starry heights of the McDonald Brothers and Journey South, I don't know. Simon hates the creepy blond duo and can't look at them. Heh.
The young guy from earlier who may or may not be the kid with the tag (I hope someone can clarify for me) and lots of anonymous people are out, including what looks like a duo of middle-aged black men in leather waistcoats. Who were THEY? Behrouz and some more girl groups are out. Sharon Osbourne weeps. Behrouz creepily hangs around in the theatre and Simon asks Louis to tell him when he's gone. Brrr. Unfortunately, Danyl is through, as if we ever doubted it, as are TruColourz, who I love because they said they were good enough for this show, but whom we haven't seen too much of. Hmm, could there be a sensational reason for this by any chance? (Whoops, spoilers). A couple of girls whose names I probably should know but don't are through and so is Lloyd, who actually looks a bit like Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys < /contemporary cultural reference >.
Next: the judges find out who they're mentoring. Cheryl, Dannii and Simon are thrilled. Louis lookd defeated and gives some half-hearted fighting talk about how he hopes he can best Simon (note: not WIN). Guess which category he's been lumped with again, everyone... [Also, Cheryl says "the proof is in the pudding", which causes me to scream at her for a full minute, because that is NOT THE PHRASE, dammit. - Steve]
Dermot tells us who everyone is whoch is handy for people like me with the memory of a sieve: The girls are Stacey McLean, Despina Pilavitaz, Nicole Jackson, Stacey Soloman, Rachel Adeji and Lucie Jones, apparently. Three of these people have been featured more than the other three. I'm just sayin'. Although Despina has to get through for her name alone, surely? The boys are: Duane Lamonte, Rikki Loney, Ethan Boroian, Joseph McElderry, Lloyd Daniels and Daniel Fox. One of these people is a shoo-in, and it's the one I don't want. The Over 25s: Jamie Archer, Nicole Lawrence, Treyc Cohen, Danyl Johnson, Olly Murs and Daniel Pearce (whom the ITV website calls Danyl as well. Oops). It's a good year to be called Daniel, Nicole or Stacey, huh? The groups: Kandy Rain, Tru Colourz, John and Edward, Miss Frank, Project A and De Tour. Not a promising category by any means.
Cheryl won last year and is going to win this year. Louis is sick of the other judges winning. Dannii has won before and wants to win again. Simon wants to win because when he wins, they win big. Tell that to Steve Brookstein.
TruColourz don't want Louis. Stacey S wants Dannii because she's lovely. Tru Colourz and Stacey S for the win! Simon has the over 25s. Everyone is happy. He has a really big hole in the shoulder of his jumper, despite being a multimillionaire. Skeffy get. He says, 'This could be a fantastic year for me. I mean them.' Heh. He seems on better form tonight. Cheryl gets the boys. Louis gets shafted by the producers again and gets the groups for a fourth time. I mean, I don't like the guy, and I'm glad they didn't make Dannii suffer with the groups, but this actually seems a bit mean. Damn you, show, you're making me feel sorry for Louis Walsh, and that should never happen. I assume normal service will be resumed come the live shows. Dannii thus has the girls, which would be good but a girl won last year and there must never be a winner from the same category twice in a row, as we all know. Louis tells Simon and Cheryl he got the groups and they burst out laughing. When Dannii greets the girls they all rush to hug her and Rachel falls over, which is very funny. When the other judges tell Dannii what they've got. She gives Louis a shocked 'Nooo! What did you say to them?!' Poor The Groups. Forever a laughing stock.
Next week - judges' houses! Kylie! Sinitta! Will Young! Hooray! Louis gets to leave Dublin! Booo!
Welcome back! Yesterday 200 people were back for Boot Camp and then were whittled down to 50! Considering the quality of many of them, they probably could have whittled them down to 50 in the first place and saved all the hassle. Anyway, tonight we see the final 24 and the judges find out which category they'll be mentoring, even though it was leaked all over the internet weeks ago.
We're back in London, as ever, and sadly, we are still faced with more boring live performances. I miss the boot camps of yore when they had to interpret a song in a wacky way in a studio or hotel. At least it *looked* more interesting than the same kind of stage we've seen all through the auditions and will see all through the live shows (minus NotLouis' artistic direction, mind you).
First up is Behrouz, our token Chico/Icaro contestant, but in the absence of Sharon Osbourne, will he get any further? He babbles some nonsense about The X Factor being once in a lifetime, which the likes of, ooh, last year's winner, might disagree with. Anyway, he gruffvoices through the opening of 'Purple Rain', then goes into a really weird high moany bit, and let's just say he's no Ruth Lorenzo. Nor is he through.
Treyc of the terrible spelling is up next, and guess what? She has a job WHICH IS SHIT. She sings 'Ben', which seems to be a very odd choice for anyone that isn't a prepubescent boy, but as we all know from last year, Simon seems to like it, and she does a servicable job.
Some woman who looks a bit like Claudia Winkleman also tried to do a Lorenzo (can we have Ruth's solo album yet?) and is better then Behrouz, but fairly unmemorable. A 16 year old called Lloyd does 'You are Not Alone' but I'm not sure we're likely to have two blond 16-year olds in a row getting to the final 12.
Kandy Rain put their best Hope-esque clothes on and sing Oasis's 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out'. Kudos for the song choice, but I still find them unremarkable. Some girl with big hair sings 'And I Am Telling You', which is this year's 'Falling' and I am so, so over it.
Dermot tells us that backstage, everyone is nervous and doesn't want their dream to end - we are reminded that 17 year old Dominic got to the judges' houses a couple of years ago, until Dannii stamped on his dreams. He sings a very weird version of 'Last Request'. His tone of voice is OK, but his rhythm, timing and breathing are all over the place. Louis says he's trying too hard and Dannii says she likes what he tried to do with the song. Note the 'tried'.
Ads. OK, I get that the neon rainbow song is fitting for the visuals and all, TalkTalk, but I'm beginning to hate it now. Oh, and a special mention for the Dell 'Lollipop' ad, which is my mum's pet hate. Not that she debases herself enough to watch The X Factor. I am such a disappointment.
Welcome back, and here we have hastily cobbled together girlband Miss Frank (which suggests to me that poor old Miss Fitz are out of the door). I like the girls themselves, they seem nice and they look good together, but this performance of 'Wishing on a Star' is a hot fried mess. The judges lap it up, though, as they always do with their cobbled together groups. Simon is the only one with a vague sense of being the voice of reason, which is not unusual. To be fair, there's potential here, but at the moment they're really not good. At risk of repeating myself, let's just sack off the groups next time and have younger men, younger women, older men and older women instead. I haven't seen one group this year even vaguely capable of winning.
Someone called Thomas who we may or may not have seen before screws up 'Holding Back the Years' and I at least appreciate that we are seeing more people than usual. A 'vocal coach' called Ivy Chanel (great name) fluffs 'Hurt'. It looked like she might have had a cool back tattoo but ITV Player died when I tried to rewind it and see, so I can't tell you whether that was true or not. Scott, the guy with autism from last week, also fluffs his words and Simon quite sweetly tells him not to be too upset as lots of people have done the same thing. It won't help his chances, mind.
Next up is Rikki, who I've decided is my one to hate on this year, although I don't know if my fellow Bitchers feel the same. [Yep. - Carrie] He is wearing a hat, HSM fans! Oh, and some dreadful shorts, and leaning against a piano and singing 'Chasing Pavements' and he screeches his way through it. Haaaaaaaaaaaate. He cries about his poorly throat and it's so hard to give a fuck, I'm afraid. [Particularly as he has no problem with actually talking and projecting. - Carrie] AND he has evil eyebrows.
More blinking ads. Sigh.
Next up, we have Olly, who is shown posing in a street wearing shoes but no socks. This isn't Miami Vice, you know, fella. They're playing the music from The Sweeney for no discernible reason, unless he is also someone who likes to write the theemtoon and sing the theemtoon. He's singing 'Your Song' and it's fine. I'm just relieved that Rikki is off my screen so anyone else is an improvement, to be honest.
ITV Player has crashed yet again. If this recap doesn't reach you until Friday, this will be the reason why.
Um, OK, this is weird, but ITV Player seems to put the ads in different places each time, so whatever happened between Olly and now will never be recapped. I'm guessing we didn't miss much though.
A male duo resembling Journey South also sing 'Last Request' and will never be heard from again. Harmony Hood, who were bouncing around in their first audition sing a somewhat subdued 'With or Without You' and I miss the energy of their earlier performance. A young boy (the boy with the tag?) sings 'You are Not Alone' and mouthy girl group Plan A (or Project A? I daren't rewind), who've been on The Xtra Factor a lot sing a reasonable 'Rise'. Stacey McLean who was in S Club Juniors wants it 110%. Wrong show. On this show it's a million percent or nothing. She also sings 'With or Without You' and it's a little screechy but generally fine. Oh, guess what, nobody wants it more than our next contestant. It's Jamie Archer (apparently Jamie Afro is even too naff a name for this show) who was a sickhead last time but gave a decent performance. At 34 this is his last chance, apparently, despite all the 80 year olds we get. He is ALSO doing 'With or Without You'. I get that they've probably only given them a handful of songs to sing, but they could have spaced the choices out throughout the show. He's perfectly fine and is a shoo-in for judges' houses and the live shows. I still don't like him as a person much but have no major issues with his singing, at least not compared to most others on this show. The judges love him.
19-year-old Stacey does a reasonable version of 'There You'll Be' - I think she could do well. Her voice falters a bit but it's generally nice and she seems popular personality-wise. Perhaps I spoke too soon - Dannii and Simon are unconvinced.
Next up is one of the anointed ones, teacher Danyl. Everyone went nuts about him first time round except me (and possibly my fellow Bitchers), but he's alright, I suppose. He's doing 'Holding Back the Years' and starting with a 1, 2, 3 and some boomboxing is not a way to win my heart, fella. Can I get a trying too hard with all the weirdness of these verses? It's all over the place and ridiculously affected, like he's thrown every r'n'b singer cliche in all at once. When he eventually starts singing the chorus, it's alright, but he needs to change his bad habits before I'm convinced. Simon says, 'You didn't ever consider singing the melody of that song, did you?' Louis says, 'He's a little over-confident for me,' and Simon says, 'A little?' Ha. Also: is it pronouced Danill or Daniel? The show doesn't seem to know. He fake cries to the camera about how he'd let so many people down if he didn't get there (unlike his classes who he might let down if he does get there, eh, Beverley?).
Shots of the judges arriving in some very dodgy looking back alley. Mmm, attractive. Louis says there are some acts he loves and some acts Simon hates (that creepy blond McDougall Brothers meet Rhydian meet the seventh circle of hell duo, perhaps?). Simon gets a much funkier car than anyone else.
They are choosing on some weird computer thing rather than using photos which would make marginally more sense if they'd used it all the way through, but hey, a new gimmick is a new gimmick so I'll try to get on board. They look at the boys first and we get a rather serviceable recap of them with the judges commenting on each, and with us seeing which comments go with which contestant some of the time. I approve. Unfortunately, I really can't face recapping all of the recaps of all of the categories, especially as we pretty much know who's going through anyway. Interestingly, they spend longer on the boys and over-25 men than any of the others. In fact, I'm not even sure they talked about any 25+ women in this bit. Guess this year's pre-ordained winner will be a man, eh, people? Judging by these recaps and the brevity of time dedicated to the category, it won't be sixth time lucky for the groups. Cheryl looks rather bored during the whole thing.
Dead Brother Daryl is on stage with some people we've never heard of. Things don't look good for him... they're not through, and he's upset because no-one wanted it more than him. No-one. Got that, all the people further up the page trying to make the same claim? Next up: Jamie Afro, the lady with the dead dad, Stacey SClub and Olly, although Louis tells us putting them through wasn't a unanimous decision. Single Mum Stacey, Rikki, Miss Frank, Treyc and some random are also through. Harmony Hood and a random group are out. More randoms and the two girls who were vaguely Leona-esque the other week are also out. Scott and more randoms = out, but Simon tells Scott he 'did great' and has 'grown as a person' so, y'know, that's makes everything alright, doesn't it? He gets to shake the judges' hands and kiss Cheryl unlike these other anonymous losers. More randoms go home, but Project A and Kandy Rain are through to recreate the stunning success of the girl groups in days gone by.
'Comeback Contestant' Dominic (whoops, wrong show) is on stage with some randoms. Hard luck, kid. Dannii looks like she might cry and the producers make him go to her for a hug, which seems a bit uncomfortable. Cheryl then hugs Dannii to stop more evil tabloid rumours, and Dannii cries. Aww. They force the poor kid in front of the camera and he's not composed enough to speak. Oh noes! Fit Ethan is on stage with some no-marks. Many people weep. And then they go through. Colour me shocked. The scary blonde boy duo, Daniel OTV, the Rihanna-lookalike Rachel and the other boy duo are all through. However Louis will choose which boy duo will go on to the starry heights of the McDonald Brothers and Journey South, I don't know. Simon hates the creepy blond duo and can't look at them. Heh.
The young guy from earlier who may or may not be the kid with the tag (I hope someone can clarify for me) and lots of anonymous people are out, including what looks like a duo of middle-aged black men in leather waistcoats. Who were THEY? Behrouz and some more girl groups are out. Sharon Osbourne weeps. Behrouz creepily hangs around in the theatre and Simon asks Louis to tell him when he's gone. Brrr. Unfortunately, Danyl is through, as if we ever doubted it, as are TruColourz, who I love because they said they were good enough for this show, but whom we haven't seen too much of. Hmm, could there be a sensational reason for this by any chance? (Whoops, spoilers). A couple of girls whose names I probably should know but don't are through and so is Lloyd, who actually looks a bit like Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys < /contemporary cultural reference >.
Next: the judges find out who they're mentoring. Cheryl, Dannii and Simon are thrilled. Louis lookd defeated and gives some half-hearted fighting talk about how he hopes he can best Simon (note: not WIN). Guess which category he's been lumped with again, everyone... [Also, Cheryl says "the proof is in the pudding", which causes me to scream at her for a full minute, because that is NOT THE PHRASE, dammit. - Steve]
Dermot tells us who everyone is whoch is handy for people like me with the memory of a sieve: The girls are Stacey McLean, Despina Pilavitaz, Nicole Jackson, Stacey Soloman, Rachel Adeji and Lucie Jones, apparently. Three of these people have been featured more than the other three. I'm just sayin'. Although Despina has to get through for her name alone, surely? The boys are: Duane Lamonte, Rikki Loney, Ethan Boroian, Joseph McElderry, Lloyd Daniels and Daniel Fox. One of these people is a shoo-in, and it's the one I don't want. The Over 25s: Jamie Archer, Nicole Lawrence, Treyc Cohen, Danyl Johnson, Olly Murs and Daniel Pearce (whom the ITV website calls Danyl as well. Oops). It's a good year to be called Daniel, Nicole or Stacey, huh? The groups: Kandy Rain, Tru Colourz, John and Edward, Miss Frank, Project A and De Tour. Not a promising category by any means.
Cheryl won last year and is going to win this year. Louis is sick of the other judges winning. Dannii has won before and wants to win again. Simon wants to win because when he wins, they win big. Tell that to Steve Brookstein.
TruColourz don't want Louis. Stacey S wants Dannii because she's lovely. Tru Colourz and Stacey S for the win! Simon has the over 25s. Everyone is happy. He has a really big hole in the shoulder of his jumper, despite being a multimillionaire. Skeffy get. He says, 'This could be a fantastic year for me. I mean them.' Heh. He seems on better form tonight. Cheryl gets the boys. Louis gets shafted by the producers again and gets the groups for a fourth time. I mean, I don't like the guy, and I'm glad they didn't make Dannii suffer with the groups, but this actually seems a bit mean. Damn you, show, you're making me feel sorry for Louis Walsh, and that should never happen. I assume normal service will be resumed come the live shows. Dannii thus has the girls, which would be good but a girl won last year and there must never be a winner from the same category twice in a row, as we all know. Louis tells Simon and Cheryl he got the groups and they burst out laughing. When Dannii greets the girls they all rush to hug her and Rachel falls over, which is very funny. When the other judges tell Dannii what they've got. She gives Louis a shocked 'Nooo! What did you say to them?!' Poor The Groups. Forever a laughing stock.
Next week - judges' houses! Kylie! Sinitta! Will Young! Hooray! Louis gets to leave Dublin! Booo!
Booty call
Boot Camp: Part 1
TX: 26th September 2009
Has someone considered putting the editors of this show on medication for attention deficit disorder? I mean, there are other ways of creating tension quickly beyond intercutting lots of different shots of totally random shit, y'know.
Previously on The X Factor: A load of shit, quite frankly. Seriously, it's not easy to get excited about boot camp when the majority of this year's auditionees barely even registered in my brain. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Boot camp this year is at the Hammersmith Apollo, which seems disappointingly low-rent. I mean, I've been there. It's nice enough, if you enjoy having to bring a spatula to scrape your shoes off the floor every time you want to move. E4 voiceover chap says that the stakes have never been higher, which is followed by Simon saying "someone on this stage is going to win The X Factor". So the stakes are, in fact, precisely as high as they have always been, no more and no less. Stupid show. Over the course of the show, we will be whittling 200 acts down to 24. Take a seat, bitches, because shit is GOING DOWN. Titles!
London. A small green creature is living inside Dermot's shirt - at least, that's the most sensible conclusion I can draw from the mysterious flash of colour below his neck and the presence of a slight bulge. Perhaps it is warm and moist down there. I wouldn't know. The remaining 200 are taken through Beautiful London (not Cardiff on a coach, and I have to say, I always find the nice rounded number of contestants who make it to boot camp deeply at odds with the alleged spontaneity of the audition process. Afro Jamie is excited, as is Stacey S. The contestants arrive at Hammersmith, where there is a sense of excitement in the air, we are told.
The lucky 200 gather on stage and await the judges. Said judges are on their way to the venue in individual cars (I think it's about time this show reduced its carbon footprint, quite frankly. If cycling is good enough for Boris Johnson, I'm sure it's good enough for National Treasure Cheryl Cole) and witter on about how this will be the BEST! BOOT CAMP! EVER! Oh, please. I decide to cash in my one complimentary statement about Louis per series and remark that his hair is looking quite good at this precise moment in time - it's quite short, but not severely so, and rather suits him. Cheryl is wearing so much makeup I'm surprised the extra weight hasn't snapped her neck.
The judges arrive, and Simon welcomes the contestants to boot camp. He has a good feeling about this lot (just as 'I Gotta Feeling' lines up on the soundtrack) and asks if the contestants know what they're in for. Hilariously, there follows a muddled chorus of both "yes!" and "no!" Simon tells them that they don't, and passes it over to Dannii, who informs the contestants that they will form themselves into teams, with each team consisting of three acts. Cheryl adds that the only rule is that each person must take a lead vocal. Louis's appearance here is apparently surplus to requirements. Just for a change.
The contestants get to it. Afro Jamie earns himself some early scorn by wondering who he'll get in his "band". Dermot tells us that they have to pick a song and start practising, and when the night falls, his lonely heart calls. Er, sorry, that last bit should read "the pressure is on to be ready in time".
The next day, the judges prepare to hack down 200 acts to just 50. Each team will perform for the judges (and in front of their rivals), and some members will progress, while others will be sent home immediately. There is footage that accompanies Dermot's narration that some people will end their X Factor journeys very quickly, but given that at least one person is walking towards the Apollo with his suitcase, it kind of fails.
One team consists of It Takez 2, Just Du-et (*sadcries*) and somebody who may be called Alicia. We are reminded that It Takez 2 almost didn't make it past their first audition. They are singing 'Breakeven' by The Script as a team, and it is horrendous. The performance, I mean. I already knew the song was horrendous. There's a "comedy" flashback to Simon's chat in the car about the level of talent this year (seriously - we all know the levels of talent this year are embarrassingly low, you don't need to draw our attention to it), and then a layered harmony is missed spectacularly. Poor Alicia/Alesha/Aleycia/Felicia/whatever her name is doesn't even get showcased, though perhaps it's for the best. Cheryl covers her ears. Simon brings the whole sorry mess to an overdue end. "It was awful," says Cheryl. Louis tells Aleeeeyshia she did a good job putting herself in the middle of two terrible groups. The crowd sort of boo this backhanded compliment, though their general confusion over whether they should or not is quite funny. Simon asks if she did it deliberately. "Yes," she replies, and the room applauds her. [I loved Simon's admiration of her total hardheadedness. And the way It Takez 2's faces dropped as they realised they'd been thoroughly stitched up. - Carrie] The judges vote, and It Takez 2 and Du-et are sent home, but presumably Alicia stays.
Alistair, William Tackie (21, unemployed) and an unseen third act are flat (and occasionally sharp, but never natural) on 'I'll Be There'. Some other people are shit, so much so that we are not told who they are. Oh good, I'm glad that tradition is continuing. Lord knows the auditions were so monotonous this year, I ain't gonna recognise any faces. Some people manage to sing 'Hot 'n' Cold' more ineptly than Katy Perry does. Despite the rules we were told earlier, Amie Buck appears to be in a group of two, and struggles with the lyrics to Jennifer Hudson's 'Spotlight'. How utterly surprising, because it's not like this happened at her first audition. So glad we've wasted so much time on her. NEXT!
In a much-needed break, Simon wonders if it's going to get better. Louis reasons it can't possibly get any worse. Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that.
Adverts. Finally! I need a drink.
Shots of Piccadilly Circus, immediately juxtaposed with Hammersmith. What is this, The Apprentice? Dermot informs us that the contestants have been asked to perform in the judges, and I quote, "in groups of two or three". Which is categorically not what Dannii said at the top of the show. Hoping they can turn things around (where have we heard that before?) are Graziella, and two people called Shaniece (21, hairdresser) and Shar (24, recruitment consultant), whom I can't find any previous record of. They talk of how they rehearsed all night, and we're reminded that Graziella wants to change her life. Don't we all, darling. They're singing 'That's Life', which is apparently "cool" and "different", according to Simon. Shar's pretty good, if a little scratchy, and the same applies to Shaniece. Personally I think Graziella sounds dreadful, but the judges all nod and make approving smiles, so apparently I am wrong. Cheryl tells them that she loves them all individually, but wishes they were a group after seeing them together. The judges deliberate, and they're all through.
Wouldn't you know it? Those three girls have turned the tide and now suddenly things are looking up. This is, of course, in no way a storytelling method that's been overused by the producers and which bears little resemblance to reality as we know it. Lucie, who is from a village WHICH IS SMALL [though is apparently practically part of Beautiful Cardiff - Rad], goes through, as do some more faceless people, and Shitty Arse Bloody Kandy Fucking Rain, who suck some more, but are through, yet more faceless people, Joe who is FROM THE NORTH EAST lest we forget, and who will continue, and some more people I can't even be bothered to try and look up, and then Jamie Fucking Afro, who screeches and is told by Simon that he is a good singer.
Oh Christ on a bike, next up are John and Edward (see previous link),The Puppini Sisters Miss Fitz and someone called Sian Paley, who is possibly new. We are reminded of John and Edward's ghastly audition - they claim they have taken on the judges' comments, but I am sure they have not. Sian has enjoyed working with them, and wants them all to get through. Sian is so doomed, I bet you. John and Edward decide to do a bit, where only one of them walks on stage, prompting Dannii and Louis to ask where "The Other One" is, only for said Other One to emerge from the wings and flip onto the stage. How very lovely. They are singing 'Apologise', and John and Edward have added to their shitty singing with some shitty dancing, then they forget their words. Miss Fitz (who appear to have shed a member somewhere along the way) and Sian both cope fine, but it is obvious that John and Edward are way out of their depth. But they are FROM IRELAND, so they'll be fine. Simon, of course, decides to pick on Sian and tell her she "became invisible", because she committed the cardinal sin of coming in on time, singing in tune and not looking like a twat. Sian protests that John and Edward sang over her, and over Miss Fitz, and how this was not what they'd rehearsed. John or Edward makes some bullshitty excuse and is booed, and Simon tells them that they've put Sian at a massive disadvantage. For fuck's sake: how, exactly? They put themselves at a disadvantage by BEING SHIT, and perhaps if there was someone on the panel with the sense they were born with, they would be pointing this out right now, and would probably have actually been listening to Sian in the first place. God, one of these days I swear this fucking show is going to give me an ulcer. Shitwit Louis thinks the boys have got potential and that people will like them. Simon disagrees. So who goes through? As if you can't fucking guess: Sian is dismissed, but takes it on the chin. Incidentally, during the deliberation, Louis refers to John and Edward as "innocent children", which may challenge "the poor boy's blind" as the most idiotic thing he has ever said. Sian goes outside and has a little sniffle with Dermot. The other two acts are both through, of course. THIS FUCKING SHOW. John and Edward run around the building whooping, and appear to interrupt Sian being interviewed. "Good timing, guys," notes Sian. [Thank fuck my DVR chose to malfunction during that whole section as I think I would have vomited - Rad]
After the break, we're finally coming to the end of the first challenge. Treyc and Olly are through. Shanna and William are next - Shanna goes through, William does not. And with that, we're down to 100. But there are only 50 places left, remember - so the judges now have to do another entirely arbitrary elimination. The editors do TENSION again in that headache-inducing way. The contestants sit outside and sob, as they are wont to do. The sequence goes on for ages, and essentially defies recapping since so little of substance is said (though in fairness, when isn't that true on this show?), so I'll skip over it.
The acts are divided up and sent into four different rooms. Room 1 has Danyl in it, so it's obviously a yes for them. They all lose their shit and mob the judges. Oh God, John and Edward are in that room too. Room 2 contains Graziella, but the people in this room are being sent home. Cue lots of hugs from Dermot. Shar and Shaniece are out too, incidentally. Room 3's inhabitants are also sent home, weepy weepy weepy. That leaves Room 4, who are obviously through. This room contains Ethan, Lloyd and Miss Fitz. Then, suddenly, there is A SHOCK TWIST: Shar, Shaniece and Graziella are called in to see the judges and told that if they form a group they can be in the top 50. They accept, of course, but what if they had said no? Would it have been a top 49 instead? The Top 50 all celebrate together, oh happy day. We then get a trailer informing us that after the break, the remaining 50 acts will battle for a place in the top 24. I think we could've worked that out for ourselves.
Returning from the break, we're given a recap of what we saw five minutes ago. I assume this was for the benefit of people who'd suddenly switched over from Strictly Come Dancing. The next challenge is for them to pick from a list of 25 songs, and then deliver the performance of a lifetime in front of an audience of 4,000. Joe, who is FROM THE NORTH-EAST, remember, is singled out as feeling the pressure of bootcamp, though I'm fairly sure this applies to everyone. That's just FYI, scriptwriters. Indeed, we are reminded that Joe is FROM THE NORTH-EAST and that Cheryl is also FROM THE NORTH-EAST and therefore they have COMMON GROUND. Joe says that he wants this very much because singing is his life.
Joe takes to the stage and is engaged in conversation by Dannii, who clearly has some nerve in doing so because they do not SHARE A REGIONAL BACKGROUND, but Joe seems willing to let that pass. Joe sings 'Praying For Time' by George Michael, which Simon warns him is a toughie. It makes Joe sound very lispy, and his voice is a bit weedy in places, but the performance is right enough, and the crowd go nuts at the end, like there was ever any doubt. Louis and Dannii love him, though Simon thinks he's a year or two away from being properly ready.
The performances continue - Nicole Jackson's bluesy version of 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' is not to my taste, but the judges seem to like it. Ethan sings 'Last Request' and continues to be telegenic. Mercedes from Glee - sorry, Rozelle sings 'And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going', apparently in a quest to perform the entire songbook of Dreamgirls before her time on the show is up. She's dreadful, but Cheryl is smiling. Daniel Fox sings a nastily affected version of 'With Or Without You' which makes him go very red in the face. Cheryl doesn't get it, and I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but: word, Cheryl.
We are reminded that Lucie is from a VILLAGE WHICH IS SMALL and this is her big chance. She sings 'Hurt' (Christina Aguilera, not Johnny Cash, just to clarify), and I kind of preferred it whenPhoebe Hope sang it, though she does have a nice voice. Simon and Cheryl think Lucie is good at ballads but no use at uptempo songs, and "you can't do ballads every week". Oh, pull the other one.
Next up is Rachel, who is scared, because she wants to win, so today's performance has to be good. I for one am glad she has explained the workings of this deeply complicated show to me. She sings 'Last Request' and it sounds rather lovely, and since I can actually see myself getting excited about her, I assume she will not be making it to the live shows. Simon admires her song choice, but doesn't think she displayed her true capabilities with that performance. Duane is on next, and seems to do quite well. TruColourz, of "good enough for this show" fame, are next and not that great, but they've been kicked out for being lying liars who lie, so it doesn't really matter now anyway. Daryl sings 'Red' and is all right, and then Daniel from One True Voice tries 'Purple Rain' but is obviously no Ruth Lorenzo.
More adverts! Are we nearly there yet, Dad? (Who is NOT DEAD, I hope, since he is apparently driving.)
Dermot tells us that only half the remaining acts can make it through to the final 24 (again, why? Just put the best ones through, regardless of where they sit in the running order, dammit). 31 year old care worker Nicole, whose FATHER IS DEAD, got a no from Simon at her first audition. We are told lots about her father, WHO IS DEAD, and how a large hole was left in her life WHEN HE DIED, and how he would be so proud of her now IF ONLY HE WERE NOT DEAD, BUT HE IS DEAD. DEAD, DO YOU HEAR? She is also singing 'And I Am Telling You', a song which I honestly never need to hear again in my entire life [but which you will, in, oooh, an episode's time or so. Oops, spoilers - Rad], and which I don't really feel I can make objective judgements any more because every version I hear just sounds brash and entirely lacking in subtlety, so let's just say she sings and leave it at that. She gets a standing ovation for her troubles, although not from me. Cheryl confuses volume with emotion when evaluating the performance.
And that's it! Rad will be here with the concluding part of boot camp surely.
TX: 26th September 2009
Has someone considered putting the editors of this show on medication for attention deficit disorder? I mean, there are other ways of creating tension quickly beyond intercutting lots of different shots of totally random shit, y'know.
Previously on The X Factor: A load of shit, quite frankly. Seriously, it's not easy to get excited about boot camp when the majority of this year's auditionees barely even registered in my brain. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Boot camp this year is at the Hammersmith Apollo, which seems disappointingly low-rent. I mean, I've been there. It's nice enough, if you enjoy having to bring a spatula to scrape your shoes off the floor every time you want to move. E4 voiceover chap says that the stakes have never been higher, which is followed by Simon saying "someone on this stage is going to win The X Factor". So the stakes are, in fact, precisely as high as they have always been, no more and no less. Stupid show. Over the course of the show, we will be whittling 200 acts down to 24. Take a seat, bitches, because shit is GOING DOWN. Titles!
London. A small green creature is living inside Dermot's shirt - at least, that's the most sensible conclusion I can draw from the mysterious flash of colour below his neck and the presence of a slight bulge. Perhaps it is warm and moist down there. I wouldn't know. The remaining 200 are taken through Beautiful London (not Cardiff on a coach, and I have to say, I always find the nice rounded number of contestants who make it to boot camp deeply at odds with the alleged spontaneity of the audition process. Afro Jamie is excited, as is Stacey S. The contestants arrive at Hammersmith, where there is a sense of excitement in the air, we are told.
The lucky 200 gather on stage and await the judges. Said judges are on their way to the venue in individual cars (I think it's about time this show reduced its carbon footprint, quite frankly. If cycling is good enough for Boris Johnson, I'm sure it's good enough for National Treasure Cheryl Cole) and witter on about how this will be the BEST! BOOT CAMP! EVER! Oh, please. I decide to cash in my one complimentary statement about Louis per series and remark that his hair is looking quite good at this precise moment in time - it's quite short, but not severely so, and rather suits him. Cheryl is wearing so much makeup I'm surprised the extra weight hasn't snapped her neck.
The judges arrive, and Simon welcomes the contestants to boot camp. He has a good feeling about this lot (just as 'I Gotta Feeling' lines up on the soundtrack) and asks if the contestants know what they're in for. Hilariously, there follows a muddled chorus of both "yes!" and "no!" Simon tells them that they don't, and passes it over to Dannii, who informs the contestants that they will form themselves into teams, with each team consisting of three acts. Cheryl adds that the only rule is that each person must take a lead vocal. Louis's appearance here is apparently surplus to requirements. Just for a change.
The contestants get to it. Afro Jamie earns himself some early scorn by wondering who he'll get in his "band". Dermot tells us that they have to pick a song and start practising, and when the night falls, his lonely heart calls. Er, sorry, that last bit should read "the pressure is on to be ready in time".
The next day, the judges prepare to hack down 200 acts to just 50. Each team will perform for the judges (and in front of their rivals), and some members will progress, while others will be sent home immediately. There is footage that accompanies Dermot's narration that some people will end their X Factor journeys very quickly, but given that at least one person is walking towards the Apollo with his suitcase, it kind of fails.
One team consists of It Takez 2, Just Du-et (*sadcries*) and somebody who may be called Alicia. We are reminded that It Takez 2 almost didn't make it past their first audition. They are singing 'Breakeven' by The Script as a team, and it is horrendous. The performance, I mean. I already knew the song was horrendous. There's a "comedy" flashback to Simon's chat in the car about the level of talent this year (seriously - we all know the levels of talent this year are embarrassingly low, you don't need to draw our attention to it), and then a layered harmony is missed spectacularly. Poor Alicia/Alesha/Aleycia/Felicia/whatever her name is doesn't even get showcased, though perhaps it's for the best. Cheryl covers her ears. Simon brings the whole sorry mess to an overdue end. "It was awful," says Cheryl. Louis tells Aleeeeyshia she did a good job putting herself in the middle of two terrible groups. The crowd sort of boo this backhanded compliment, though their general confusion over whether they should or not is quite funny. Simon asks if she did it deliberately. "Yes," she replies, and the room applauds her. [I loved Simon's admiration of her total hardheadedness. And the way It Takez 2's faces dropped as they realised they'd been thoroughly stitched up. - Carrie] The judges vote, and It Takez 2 and Du-et are sent home, but presumably Alicia stays.
Alistair, William Tackie (21, unemployed) and an unseen third act are flat (and occasionally sharp, but never natural) on 'I'll Be There'. Some other people are shit, so much so that we are not told who they are. Oh good, I'm glad that tradition is continuing. Lord knows the auditions were so monotonous this year, I ain't gonna recognise any faces. Some people manage to sing 'Hot 'n' Cold' more ineptly than Katy Perry does. Despite the rules we were told earlier, Amie Buck appears to be in a group of two, and struggles with the lyrics to Jennifer Hudson's 'Spotlight'. How utterly surprising, because it's not like this happened at her first audition. So glad we've wasted so much time on her. NEXT!
In a much-needed break, Simon wonders if it's going to get better. Louis reasons it can't possibly get any worse. Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that.
Adverts. Finally! I need a drink.
Shots of Piccadilly Circus, immediately juxtaposed with Hammersmith. What is this, The Apprentice? Dermot informs us that the contestants have been asked to perform in the judges, and I quote, "in groups of two or three". Which is categorically not what Dannii said at the top of the show. Hoping they can turn things around (where have we heard that before?) are Graziella, and two people called Shaniece (21, hairdresser) and Shar (24, recruitment consultant), whom I can't find any previous record of. They talk of how they rehearsed all night, and we're reminded that Graziella wants to change her life. Don't we all, darling. They're singing 'That's Life', which is apparently "cool" and "different", according to Simon. Shar's pretty good, if a little scratchy, and the same applies to Shaniece. Personally I think Graziella sounds dreadful, but the judges all nod and make approving smiles, so apparently I am wrong. Cheryl tells them that she loves them all individually, but wishes they were a group after seeing them together. The judges deliberate, and they're all through.
Wouldn't you know it? Those three girls have turned the tide and now suddenly things are looking up. This is, of course, in no way a storytelling method that's been overused by the producers and which bears little resemblance to reality as we know it. Lucie, who is from a village WHICH IS SMALL [though is apparently practically part of Beautiful Cardiff - Rad], goes through, as do some more faceless people, and Shitty Arse Bloody Kandy Fucking Rain, who suck some more, but are through, yet more faceless people, Joe who is FROM THE NORTH EAST lest we forget, and who will continue, and some more people I can't even be bothered to try and look up, and then Jamie Fucking Afro, who screeches and is told by Simon that he is a good singer.
Oh Christ on a bike, next up are John and Edward (see previous link),
After the break, we're finally coming to the end of the first challenge. Treyc and Olly are through. Shanna and William are next - Shanna goes through, William does not. And with that, we're down to 100. But there are only 50 places left, remember - so the judges now have to do another entirely arbitrary elimination. The editors do TENSION again in that headache-inducing way. The contestants sit outside and sob, as they are wont to do. The sequence goes on for ages, and essentially defies recapping since so little of substance is said (though in fairness, when isn't that true on this show?), so I'll skip over it.
The acts are divided up and sent into four different rooms. Room 1 has Danyl in it, so it's obviously a yes for them. They all lose their shit and mob the judges. Oh God, John and Edward are in that room too. Room 2 contains Graziella, but the people in this room are being sent home. Cue lots of hugs from Dermot. Shar and Shaniece are out too, incidentally. Room 3's inhabitants are also sent home, weepy weepy weepy. That leaves Room 4, who are obviously through. This room contains Ethan, Lloyd and Miss Fitz. Then, suddenly, there is A SHOCK TWIST: Shar, Shaniece and Graziella are called in to see the judges and told that if they form a group they can be in the top 50. They accept, of course, but what if they had said no? Would it have been a top 49 instead? The Top 50 all celebrate together, oh happy day. We then get a trailer informing us that after the break, the remaining 50 acts will battle for a place in the top 24. I think we could've worked that out for ourselves.
Returning from the break, we're given a recap of what we saw five minutes ago. I assume this was for the benefit of people who'd suddenly switched over from Strictly Come Dancing. The next challenge is for them to pick from a list of 25 songs, and then deliver the performance of a lifetime in front of an audience of 4,000. Joe, who is FROM THE NORTH-EAST, remember, is singled out as feeling the pressure of bootcamp, though I'm fairly sure this applies to everyone. That's just FYI, scriptwriters. Indeed, we are reminded that Joe is FROM THE NORTH-EAST and that Cheryl is also FROM THE NORTH-EAST and therefore they have COMMON GROUND. Joe says that he wants this very much because singing is his life.
Joe takes to the stage and is engaged in conversation by Dannii, who clearly has some nerve in doing so because they do not SHARE A REGIONAL BACKGROUND, but Joe seems willing to let that pass. Joe sings 'Praying For Time' by George Michael, which Simon warns him is a toughie. It makes Joe sound very lispy, and his voice is a bit weedy in places, but the performance is right enough, and the crowd go nuts at the end, like there was ever any doubt. Louis and Dannii love him, though Simon thinks he's a year or two away from being properly ready.
The performances continue - Nicole Jackson's bluesy version of 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' is not to my taste, but the judges seem to like it. Ethan sings 'Last Request' and continues to be telegenic. Mercedes from Glee - sorry, Rozelle sings 'And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going', apparently in a quest to perform the entire songbook of Dreamgirls before her time on the show is up. She's dreadful, but Cheryl is smiling. Daniel Fox sings a nastily affected version of 'With Or Without You' which makes him go very red in the face. Cheryl doesn't get it, and I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but: word, Cheryl.
We are reminded that Lucie is from a VILLAGE WHICH IS SMALL and this is her big chance. She sings 'Hurt' (Christina Aguilera, not Johnny Cash, just to clarify), and I kind of preferred it when
Next up is Rachel, who is scared, because she wants to win, so today's performance has to be good. I for one am glad she has explained the workings of this deeply complicated show to me. She sings 'Last Request' and it sounds rather lovely, and since I can actually see myself getting excited about her, I assume she will not be making it to the live shows. Simon admires her song choice, but doesn't think she displayed her true capabilities with that performance. Duane is on next, and seems to do quite well. TruColourz, of "good enough for this show" fame, are next and not that great, but they've been kicked out for being lying liars who lie, so it doesn't really matter now anyway. Daryl sings 'Red' and is all right, and then Daniel from One True Voice tries 'Purple Rain' but is obviously no Ruth Lorenzo.
More adverts! Are we nearly there yet, Dad? (Who is NOT DEAD, I hope, since he is apparently driving.)
Dermot tells us that only half the remaining acts can make it through to the final 24 (again, why? Just put the best ones through, regardless of where they sit in the running order, dammit). 31 year old care worker Nicole, whose FATHER IS DEAD, got a no from Simon at her first audition. We are told lots about her father, WHO IS DEAD, and how a large hole was left in her life WHEN HE DIED, and how he would be so proud of her now IF ONLY HE WERE NOT DEAD, BUT HE IS DEAD. DEAD, DO YOU HEAR? She is also singing 'And I Am Telling You', a song which I honestly never need to hear again in my entire life [but which you will, in, oooh, an episode's time or so. Oops, spoilers - Rad], and which I don't really feel I can make objective judgements any more because every version I hear just sounds brash and entirely lacking in subtlety, so let's just say she sings and leave it at that. She gets a standing ovation for her troubles, although not from me. Cheryl confuses volume with emotion when evaluating the performance.
And that's it! Rad will be here with the concluding part of boot camp surely.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
This week's recaps: delayed a bit, sorry.
Hello everyone! Due to the unfortunate circumstances of there being approximately eleventy billion hours of reality TV this weekend, your Bitching team has found itself a little overstretched, so this week's recaps will be a bit delayed. Don't worry, they're on their way, but they may be a couple of days later than usual. Sorry about that.
If you want to be notified as soon as the new recap goes up, why not follow us on Twitter if you're not already doing so?
If you want to be notified as soon as the new recap goes up, why not follow us on Twitter if you're not already doing so?
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