Cher Lorna-cy

Week one results.  Sunday October 13 2013

Last night!  Gary Barlow exacted his revenge on the 80s by forcing all life out of its music.  Shelley was a traitor to this borification process and ended up losing the FLASH!  VOTE! So she will be in the sing off tonight!  Also!  The judges were on autopilot!  The show embraced Twitter about as successfully as The Voice does in its ‘V’ Room!  And for some reason, Dermot’s groin was deemed to be hilarious Saturday night light entertainment!

It’s!  Time!  To!  Face!  A Load of Tedious Filler! (Also: I’m watching this on ITV player unfortunately and for some reason, you have to be over 18 to watch this episode.  I can only assume it is because of the Dermot’s groin jokes.)

Cue Giant X!  After the ignominy of the past few weeks, it’s back to occupying a fuller slot.  As it should, being the star of the show.

Dermot arrives, boxy jacket, thankfully much less groin emphasis and tells us that tonight we’ll hear from Ellie Goulding and The Actual Cher, and the sing-off has been replaced by a full-on fight.  I paraphrase a bit, but that was the gist. 

The judges arrive, Sharon still in Halloween garb, Nicole with a thigh slash up her dress, Louis in a regular suit, Gary in a not-quite-tweedy but along those lines suit.  Dermot tells us we can’t vote for Shelley now because we didn’t bother in the eight minutes phone lines were open last night, but we can still vote for the others if we’re really arsed, including via the app so you can BE THE FIFTH JUDGE O YAY.

But first!  We must have a group song!  And if you had a bet on which obviously obvious song they’d choose, you can now cash in, because it’s obviously a slowed-down (a bit) ‘Get Lucky’.  Of note: Shelley werking it like a diva, the boy blands having their vocals autotuned, Miss FrankEnBixMix sounding like a mess, the girls shouting, that one in Rough Copy who is an edgier Aston making eyes to the camera, some terrible, not-choreographed much dancing, ending in a hot fried mess and then Dermot doing a lunge for some reason. 

Dermot then reads out the puff pieces Sharon had written into her contract by saying she’s the star of the show.  Which is quite LOLarious when (SPOILERS) you consider what’s coming.  We then get a recap of last night, but I have no desire to relive that bilge again.

First guest time – Ellie Goulding!  None of the pre-show blurb mentions that she is (or was at one point anyway) BFFs with Diana Vickers, for she is one of the many ex-contestants of whom we must never speak.  The set is all trees and orbs and blues and purples and her outfit is a lot of thigh.  I mean A LOT.  The Sherz’s outfit feels positively Victorian in comparison.  Nothing wrong with that, but she looks quite uncomfortable whenever she tries to move in it.

Dermot says that Ellie Goulding is on tour and then makes her tell him who her favourite is.  She says she likes them all but eventually says Kingsland Road.  I don’t know what the right answer is, but that can’t be it.

Ads!  You can download the contestants’ songs on iTunes.  I have no idea why you would want to though.

Dermot tells us that the voting lines are closed and goes to speak to the judges.  He says that there is no FUCKING DEADLOCK this year because if the judges are tied, the loser of the flash vote goes home.  There seems to be a bit less tension inherent in this but we’ll see.  Dermot asks who the judges’ favourites were other than their own acts.  Louis: Rough Copy; Sharon: Kingsland (not Road); Gary: Sam Bailey; Nicole: Sam and Nicholas.  This YEAR OF THE GIRL isn’t very on-message (Sam aside).  Maybe they’re hedging their bets with the groups – and given the groups they’ve put through, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Next up, THE ACTUAL CHER, who has had 6 decades in music, sold 100 million albums worldwide and who myself and my friend Becky do awesome impressions of (only singing ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ though).  Her new single isn’t really up there with her best works, but it’s serviceable enough and it’s the ACTUAL CHER, so that makes it awesome regardless. [I can't believe we didn't get an actual Cher Week. This fucking show. - Steve] Her plastic surgeon is pretty good, by the way – she looks as she did 20 or 30 years ago (which even then was ‘enhanced’) but without the strange effects surgery gives some people.  No names, Mrs O.  She even gets the winner’s glitter falling upon her at the end – I like to think that’s a comment by the stage designers on the quality of contestants and in a couple of months time, Wee Nic/Rough Copy/Sam/Hannah/Whoever will just kind of stand there looking a bit awkward.

Ads and competition time!  If it ain’t Last Christmas, JLS, I ain’t bovvered.

Dermot reminds us that votes are closed and Shelley is in the sing-off and now it’s time to see who else is, as Sharon and Funsponge continue their fight to be the worstest ever mentor ever.

Safe are: Kingsland; Abi; Sam C; Sam B; MissFrankEnDynaBixMix (who look completely shocked as well they might); Hannah (who cries, obviously); Wee Nic (wearing Tartan for an early play on the Scottish vote); Tamera; Rough Copy and Luke, meaning Lorna is in the sing-off and Sharon has the two acts with the lowest vote.  So basically a standard year for Mrs O then.  Dermot reminds us about the sing-off.

Ads.  Boo to ITVPlayer getting all snidey about browsers with ad blockers on. 

We’re reminded yet again how the sing-off works because that’s how little intelligence this show believes we have.  Shelley is first, singing ‘One Night Only’ and with clothing, hair and make-up to make her look a good 15 years older than she is (/claims to be).  Sadly, it stays as the slow version all the way through as it would have been good to have the beat kick in.  However, she does a very decent fist of it – it’s nothing you haven’t heard before and there are places of volume=good but I do love her quite a bit and think she acquitted herself very well, especially given she knew she had the fewest votes.  She gives Lorna a teary hug.

Lorna (also made to look a good 10-15 years older than she is.  This is the problem with the ‘overs’ – they’re often not much older than the boys or girls yet have to be made out to be ancient in comparison) sings ‘There You’ll Be’.  Hilariously, Rylan pointed out on Twitter that these are the exact same songs he and Carolynne did in the first sing-off last year.  And people think this show is predictable.  This is not especially good for a sing-off – I didn’t notice it so much on first viewing but she goes out of tune for an awful lot of it – she has a decent vocal tone and clear power but there are a lot of issues here.  Shelley basically walked this one.

For some ridiculous reason, Dermot goes to Sharon first, who abstains as she always does (which gets a whoop from the baying audience).  Louis says it was an amazing sing-off but he’s sending Lorna home (at which the audience boo, but let’s face it, they’d boo whoever he said because the X Factor audience are morons).  Gary says it was awesome and if Shelley had sung like that before she’d not be in the bottom (except for her vote being split with Sam B’s).  He says Lorna had tuning issues but has an awesome voice so he’s sending Shelley home.  Nicole says Lorna has blown her away.  Dermot asks for the act she is sending home.  Nicole: Shelley…… there is more from you to see.  Oh, Nicole, a dramatic fake-out pause already?  Tut tut.  She’s sending home Lorna.

Her best bits: auditions we either didn’t see or only saw a bit of, crying, being styled in some uncomfortable ways.  Not featured: her alleged love of posing with firearms.  Dermot asks Lorna what her favourite bit was – she says getting to Boot Camp.  So… basically she’s hated everything other than the first audition that we didn’t see.  Good-oh.

Next week!  As if it wasn’t bad enough on Strictly, we’ve got LOVE WEEK.  Oh and Katy Perry and Robin Thicke are turning up which I’m sure will delight Helen and Steve no end. [I'm going to need a lot of Pepto Bismol. - Steve]

Unacceptable in the 80s

Live shows: Final 12 – Saturday 12 October 2013

This year!  Everything on the show is ‘all change’!  They brought back the audition room!  Yay!  But for some bizarre reason kept the arena auditions which had the sole purpose of serving as some weird torture for our own Helen who recapped ¾ of them! They had all new boot camp with added stool material!  Then last weekend it was judges’ houses which was basically the same as it always was!

Tonight!  There is a new shock! twist! Not really, it’s just that flash vote at the end of the night thing they’ve been going on about. Oh, and it’s also 80s night, which seems unfair.  What did the 80s ever do to this show to deserve such treatment?  Louis Walsh loves the 80s.  Who ever would have thought?

It’s!  Time! To! Face! Who will be in the slots of death for twenty minutes against Strictly!

Cue Giant X!  (philosophical conundrum - If Giant X flies on screen when everyone is watching Strictly, does it still land OK?)

Dermot enters to ‘Rio’. Suitwatch:  a Funsponge-last-year-tribute waistcoat.  I’m not paying any attention to the trousers because THAT’S WHAT THIS SHOW WANTS.

The judges enter, clearly mistaking this for Halloween week, as Sharon has come as Poison Ivy, Nicole as a slutty Mummy, Louis as a little Louis Walsh, and Funsponge as that bloke who phones the police because someone, somewhere, is having a party and FUN MUST BE STOPPED AT ALL COSTS.

The flash vote is introduced with with Queen’s ‘Flash’ – basically at the end of Saturday whoever has the lowest votes goes into the sing-off.  Not sure whether that will rend Sunday pointless, but we’ll see.

By the way, Dermot’s dick is apparently a thing – so much so, that the official X Factor twitter account tried to get it trending, and all the judges point it and laugh.  Dermot: ‘there’s nothing wrong with my southern hemisphere’.  BAN THIS SICK BBC FILTH… oh wait, that was last week.

Hannah is first.  Her VT reminds us that she has spent most of her time on this show crying, and the rest of the time working in Greggs and not wanting to be Hannah the Greggs worker from Leicester (or wherever it is) no more.  But now!  X Factor has saved her!  She laughs so much you’d think she was a Natalie Gumede VT!  But!  What’s this!  X Factor has also damaged her! Her voice is broken! She has to wear an official show lanyard with ‘I am on voice rest’ around her neck like she is a leper!

She is wearing a purple jacket, yellow top, bad skirt and bad hair for her performance of ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’ although I do like the backdrop of apartments.  Overall though, it’s a bit mediocre and ploddy, and I do like Hannah, but if her voice is this shot to buggery (the backing singers take over in a few places) and she’s got the slot of death then maybe her ‘journey’ isn’t going to be what I thought it was. [It really doesn't bode well for her voice to be shot to piece this early on. - Steve]

Louis says she is SIXTEEN YEARS OLD and has a lot of potential.  Sharon says she has a rich, powerful voice for sixteen and something incomprehensible about titties.  Funsponge says she’s raised the bar for the series.  Nicole says that’s how to open a live show (mediocrely, while no-one’s watching).  Dermot says ‘like the judges said, seventeen years old’.  Well no, she IS seventeen (I think), but the judges said she was sixteen, Durrbot.  Oh yeah and some app thing whatever mumble.

Wee Nick who your granny likes is on next.  Dermot reminds us we are all OLD because none of the boys’ category were even born in the 80s because even 1989 was 24 YEARS AGO.  WEEEEEEEEEEP.  The VT is all about how he was born in 1996 DAMN HIS YOUTH and how he ‘hilariously’ thinks Spandau Ballet are called Spandex Ballet or Spandau Belly.  The editors totally didn’t script that, honest.  I’d watch it, wee Nick, you might have the whole of SCOTLAND voting for you, but Tony Hadley won Reborn in the USA, so he still has it (the love of a certain reality-show voting demographic).  Fortunately by the miracle of a HANDY AND FUNCTIONAL Samsung Tab and some EXCITING SOFTWARE called Skype, he’s able to ring his mum who knows the song (obviously).

He is wearing a James Arthur tribute shirt as he sings ‘True’.  The stage is dry-ice festooned and the dancers are paying tribute to the erection section (why?  Why must everything remind me of Anton Du Beke?  LIFE YOU ARE CRUEL).  I’m quite surprised Wee Nic and Hannah were on in the slots of death.  Sofabet had them as their 1 and 2 and I would have thought the same.  But myriad are the ways of X, I guess.  The performance doesn’t desecrate the song enough to vex the demographic whose votes he needs so I’m sure he’ll be fine.  BUT HARK!  WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?  The judging is happening after the ads!  ALL NEW X FACTOR! EDGY!

I don’t notice the ads because I’m too busy googling the history of What’s Love Got to Do With It and finding this which I thought would be super-campmazing but is as boringly turgidly ballidy as what is to come on this show (whoops, spoilers).

The judges’ comments are so lazy this week and we’re only on act two.  Basically the feedback is, in tribute to Ella Henderson, who sadly is no longer SIXTEEN: SIXTEEN SIXTEEN SIXTEEN.  Sharon mishears him as being ‘almost SIXTEEN’ when he says ‘only SIXTEEN’ (and presumably, born in 96, almost SEVENTEEN).  Anyway, for now, he’s SIXTEEN and YOUNG and all of us from the 80s are OLD and MUMS like him and he makes everyone MOTHERLY because he is a WEE BOY who is lovable and SIXTEEN and a little kid who is SIXTEEN and shet.

Durrbot reminds us Gary was famous in the 90s and shows us a picture of him in the 80s which looks exactly like a portrait of “classic” comedian Billy Pearce.  Wacky!

We’re reminded that Miss FrankEnDynaBixMix are franken and that CeeCee/CC/CeCe/SeSe/CiCi/SiSi/that shameless band abandoner is PREGNANT and we all know how well that worked out for 2Shoes NEVA4GET.  Their VT is soundtracked by Bananarama but sadly they’re not doing a Bananarama song.  Boooo!  Their name is not pronounced ‘Miss Dyna-Mix’ as I imagined, but ‘Missed Dynamics’ which is somewhat LOLerific.

Their Girls Aloud version of the Pointer Sisters’ ‘Jump’ is slowed down and lacklustre.  The vocals are awful but the backing music is quite quiet so I wouldn’t be surprised if they can’t hear it.  It’s a fun poppy classic been slowed down to MOR sludge, which is not what you want, but is still livelier than most of what follows (SPOILERS). CC has stage presence, the one of the other two wearing yellow is cute, the other one might as well not exist.  There’s one bit where they’re on a plinth but instead of jumping off, they’re yanked down by male dancers, which didn’t look quite so great for CeCe. [They even did all the same ad libs as Girls Aloud. It was the acme of laziness. - Steve]

Nicole wanted them to have more fun and actually jump.  Louis likes them but says they will need to work harder.  Even Funsponge wants them to have more fun – so if they’re here next week, expect a BALLID.  SO MUCH FUN.  Dermot reminds us that they’re a Frankenband as a bus screeches to attention outside the studio.  Yellow dress one wants to stay.  The Other One is barely in shot.

The overs are next.  Dermot asks how Sharon keeps looking as young as she did in the 80s.  Sharon says she has a very good doctor.  Heh.

Sam Bailey is next – lest you forget, she is the prison officer – I wonder if the show is going to use this to its full potential given that, with Orange is the New Black and Wentworth, prisons are kind of in vogue at the moment (I know, I know, she works in a men’s prison, but women’s prisons are hotbeds of lebsbianity and we all know how this show runs a mile at such things).  Because she is a mum, she is singing that perennial mum favourite, ‘The Power of Love’.  Obviously not the Huey Lewis one or the Holly Johnson one, the Jennifer Rush one.  (The 80s guide to titling songs was a bit short, sadly).  She is the one who looks the best after the show makeover, not that that’s saying much.  Her hair looks lovely. 

As for the performance, it’s exactly what you expect from an alpha female over – a touch of Celine, a smattering of Jennifer, a bellow of Meaty Minge – she’s one of the best singers in this series and this is more likeable than some of her performances, but it’s hardly original.  Gary thought she was off the clock, Nicole is amazed that she can do that in the first week, Louis thinks she hit every note, Sharon says she nailed it.  Again, I’m surprised at the order of tonight’s acts – I’d have thought this would be the kind of thing they would want to end on – if their plan A is Hannah and/or Tamera, then surely Sam would be plan B – a woman in the year of vagina, and the first over woman to win, plus the first over in ages to win.  So why throw her away mid-show?

Ads.  Katie Price’s face.  KATIE PRICE’S FACE.

Time for the much-discussed Caroline Flack appearance.  She is backstage interviewing the acts in what looks like one of those shipping containers they had full of dead immigrants on The Wire – so now we know what happens to X Factor contestants once they’ve outlived their usefulness.  Sam makes a joke about her tits.  That is all that happens.  This section is so totally valid and not at all random. [I like to think it's because they're contractually obligated not to leave Caroline unsupervised with the contestants in case she tries to SEDUCE them, so this is how they get around having a camera on her at all times. - Steve]

Up next, boy Sam!  His VT basically is all about how everyone thinks he’s a bad singer and only got through because of his looks, but he wants us to know that also, he’s KERRAZY.  He has a tattoo!  He once ate a big pizza!  So mental!  We also get an insight into the misery of the X Factor house – it may look like a mansion outside, but inside the bedrooms have cheap-ass bunk beds in – it’s like one of those tabloid behind the scenes SHOCKERS.

He’s doing ‘Summer of 69’ and one of his dancers looks a bit like Flavia Cacacae which really disturbs me for a bit, but fortunately it’s not.  The vocals are mediocre – standard worst-boy-of-the-finalists fare – it’s all a bit dull and nothing yet is making me get excited.

Gary says his vocals were ropey, Nicole agrees but says he has the eye of the tiger up him, which sounds like a very niche kink.  Louis says he works hard unlike him at the age comparisons – Sam looks like a little Bryan Adams.  Because he sang a Bryan Adams song.  Everything about this episode is lazier than lazy.  Dermot tries to create some excitement because Sam has lipstick on his cheek from one of the dancers.

Eton Road 2 are up next.  They used to live in a flat with beds on the floor and airbeds and now they’ve made the leap up to a temporary place of residence with bunk beds!  So much of a journey!

They’re doing ‘I’m Your Man’ which is the best song choice of the night, and yet they’ve taken out all the soully bits and yelps and oohs and it’s the blandest thing ever, with the One Direction memorial backing vocals already in employment.  They’re all wearing different variations of black and white, one wearing a Choose LIFE T-shirt in “tribute” (/pissing off) to Wham! mode.  Their hair is as ridiculous as ever.  A few people in the audience shout KINGSLAND.  Oh, the ‘Road’ thing.  The ‘Road’ thing is never going to happen, except when it’s the mechanism for a double decker with their names on it in week eight or so.

Nicole calls them ‘Hairland, not Kingsland’.  Note: not Hairland Road.  Louis says they have the most energy but it’s not difficult.  Sharon says they were fantastic and the blonde one (Connor?) looks like Leonardo Di Caprio… I would say he looks more like a junior version of Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master if anyone.  Gary liked it too.  The judges can’t even be bothered to make an effort in their comments.  This episode is so sluggish.  Dermot reminds us that various acts have to make their ‘debuts’ still (which is both wrong – we’ve seen them before – and lazy – it’s live show one Dermot, we know how this thing works after ten series).

Ads.  All those lovely 80s songs!  Done properly!  What I wouldn’t give to be out dancing to those tunes right now.  I’d even much rather be in that apex of awfulness, Reflex.  And that’s even despite the fact that the one in Sheffield burns down every other month so I’d be taking my life in my hands.  But at least I’d hear music that was faster than 6bpm.

Dermot reminds us we’ve had ten years of this shit AND YET LIKE FOOLS WE STILL WATCH.  He then burbles something incomprehensible, which I think is about Simon Cowell’s baby or something.

Shelley is next and actually has a lively VT!  Hooray!  She enthuses about the 80s as is right and proper and there’s more life in her VT than in the rest of the show put together so far.

She’s doing Heart’s ‘Alone’ which even young people know as that song their mum always does from Karaoke / Singstar / Lips etc.  And you just know Shelley is one of those mums – this is in no way a criticism, as I am one of those mums as well, except for the slight problem of not having any kids.  And, indeed, it’s very mum-at-karaoke.  But she does get to stand on a big fuck-off raised plinth that looks a bit like a glittery version of a JCB carriage at the end, and I’m half expecting her to launch it in the direction of Waterloo Road. 

Funsponge bleats that 'Everyone here is doing a modern twist on the 80s' – yes, if ‘modern’ means slowing it down to fuck and bleeding the life out of it.  But then that WOULD come from the king of beige.  I can’t imagine how he coped in the actual 80s with all that pop music and dance music and neon and goths and e-numbers in everything.  I like to think he locked himself [yeah sure, he "locked himself" - Steve] in a cupboard at school and kept saying to himself ‘Don’t worry Gary Barlow.  One day neutral colours will be in.  One day people will buy music by the likes of Mickey Bubbles, Susan Boyle and the Military Wives, and that will be our time.  Don’t touch those weird Discos crisps.  Not only have they got a name that represents all that is evil, they come in a weird circle shape AND there’s even a salt and vinegar flavour’.  Sharon tells him to shut up.  Nicole loves her and her Stanna stair lift.  Louis thinks it was cheesy but he loved it and that Shelley had welly.  Sharon says we love cheese and with the lift, the wind, the everything, it was properly 80s.  Shelley says you have to throw a bit of cheese and shoulderpads in for 80s and wiggles her leg about a bit.  Dermot says nothing says X Factor like a random stair lift.  Shelley says she was scared but loves it.

Ads!  What have the other members of JLS done to Aston?  Have they eaten him?  And when are they actually splitting up?  The mystery continues.

Abi is next.  Her VT is a lie because it’s all about how she wants to have fun and not work in a supermarket despite the fact that she makes music exactly designed for supermarket customers who think Tesco Mary is a bit edgy.  But Funsponge will like this because she’s taken one of the most awesome poprock hair metal classics of all time, ‘Livin on a Prayer’ and has ballided it for sod all reason except Funsponge thinks it’s modern or whatever.  FUCK YOU X FACTOR.  THE 80S WERE MY FAVOURITE OF ALL THE DECADES AND YOU’RE JUST MAKING THEM ALL KINDS OF BAD.

She’s wearing a purple shirt with diamonds on.  Louis and Sharon like it and Gary says the audience were quiet, yes, probably out of shock because they wanted to sing along to Bon Jovi.  He says she’s his kind of artist.  Yes Funsponge, she sucked the life out of that song and made it a turgid ballid, OF COURSE it was your kind of thing.  Nicole says she was the only artist that ‘made it her own’.  It’s like they’re all deliberately doing this to fill in X Factor bingo cards, isn’t it?

Next up, it’s Lorna WHO?  Her VT is all about how no-one knows who she is (apart from followers of ZOMG!  Tabloid Scandals!’, even though that’s entirely the editors’ fault.  She’s going to be doing ‘So Emotional’ which reminds me of playing drunken karaoke with my friends Katie and Claire and Lisa and Tracey when we were thirteen when we sang along to that and ‘Sloop John B’, which was a song none of us knew and so we made up the tune to it but collapsed in fits of giggles every few seconds because the lyrics are so bloody daft.  Anyway, our tuneless desecration of the Beach Boys was still more deferential than anyone on this show has been (except possibly Shelley).

Lorna’s performance is all about her topless male dancers, and her VT shows her being giggly about them.  It’s not a bad performance, at least not by tonight’s standards.  And yet again, we’re getting comments after the ads because apparently this is a new ‘thing’.  The only ‘new’ thing about this series that’s worked so far is the old thing of room auditions.  The rest of it I could happily leave. 

Ads!  I’m quite surprised at Lloyds Bank criticising right-wing politics in their advert, given how their recent branding has seemed quite conservative.  I’m not sure if this is a smart move on their part or one that will alienate their fanbase.  Do old-skool bank brands have fan bases? I mean, I’m glad TSB are back if only because every time I mention them I have to say ‘The bank that likes to Sayyyyyyyyyyy YES’ because mentally I’m still in the 80s but it doesn’t mean I’m actually banking with them or anything.  Also – I’m wondering if whether your Lloyds TSB has become a Lloyds or a TSB is one of those measures of social standing like the newspapers claimed when they ran all those ‘what is your Woolworths now?’ articles.

Gary says Lorna’s pitch was all over the place at the start when the song had been ballided but when the beat kicked in she knocked it out of the park.  Nicole says she agrees, Lorna has to watch her pitch and that she didn’t remember her from before but tonight she filled the stage.  Louis says Sharon was ogling the dances.  She says ‘wouldn’t you?’  Heh.  Gary tries to get in on the fun party by saying Take That’s early videos were a bit like that.  Yes, and you had a huge rictus grin the whole time.  Lorna tells Dermot that she’s always wanted to be here.  *Shrug*

Dermot reminds us that now we have a thing called Twitter which they didn’t have in the 80s and says Sharon has the biggest buzz and Gary the least but not sure by which measure they are checking this.  They then show some of the most inane tweets ever.  Bet they don’t show my tweet telling the show to fuck off (around the time Abi was performing).  Then they have a tweet from David Schneider talking about Dermot’s package.  Why is the show trying to make this a thing?  I mean, better Dermot’s than Anton Du Beke’s, but still.

Tamera next.  She has a little sister whom she misses and the other girls tell her off for being messy.  Apparently their bedroom has one double bed and one set of bunk beds.  I would LOVE to see who gets which bed.  Nicole asks Tamera what she thinks the 80s would have been like because Tamera wasn’t even born for THE MAJORITY OF THE 90s.  Just let that sink in, people.  She says neon colours and tutus.  And 3 million unemployed lest we forget.  [Bit p’litical there – Ben Elton].  #so80s

She’s doing a slowed down ‘Ain’t Nobody’, wearing a black leather jacket with a denim jacket tied around her waist in case it gets a bit nippy later.  In places it’s OK but in other places it’s ropey as all hell.  Her dancers are waving lots of fences around in what I can only assume is a slightly strange tribute to the miners’ strike.

Louis likes it.  Sharon says she looks exotic and has an exotic name.  Really, Sharon?  We’re going down that road?  Funsponge says she has the X factor.  Nicole says she is a ‘forced’ to be reckoned with and tries to strain out some tears for all those playing XF bingo at home.  Tamera grimaces to Dermot that the atmosphere is great whilst looking like she wants to die.  I know how she feels. 

Dermot introduces Luke as the boy whose hair every mum wants to wash.  His VT is all about mumsy women being obsessed with his hair and someone on the Twitters having a spoof account for his hair (betcha it’s an X Factor producer because HO HO SO FUNNY).  The background music is ‘Walk Like an Egyptian’.  I wish they wouldn’t use all this awesome music on the VTs because it reminds me how shit tonight is.

He’s doing ‘Every Breath You Take’ (aka the stalker’s anthem) and his tuning goes way out, I mean, really, really badly.  And I actually like the tone of his voice compared to some of the others – but this is dreadful and he really needs those backing vocals when they kick in to help him back on track.  They’ve also made him look a bit like a tubby teenage Michael Hutchence crossed with Mick Hucknall’s dress sense, which is weird.

Sharon says it had great performance value and was entertaining, even though his voice wasn’t the greatest and he has the ‘performance skills of a true… person that should make it through to the end of this show’.  There’s daming with faint praise and then… Gary moans about his hair needing a wash.  Screw you Barlow, I remember that time Take That went grubby and said they didn’t wash their hair, even if it was really only Howard and you kept him at a foot’s distance.  Nicole loves his raw energy and Louis loves his hair.  Dermot asks if they cut or keep the hair.  Gary snipes ‘it’s up to him’ in that way your mum does when she’s passive-aggressively telling you to do what she wants or she’ll gripe at you about it forever.

Ads.  There are a lot of ads for fish products during The X Factor.

We’re back with Caroline Flack in the storage container of doom and it’s very packed in there, and I don’t think there seems to be a source of air.  She interviews Shelley who says if she gets through next week, she can do a modern song if Gary likes, but it was 80s week.  Rough Copy are singing in the background, the TRY HARDS.  They’re singing ‘In the Air Tonight’ though, which isn’t going to impress me if that’s coming up.  They want to ‘kill it’ tonight.  Oh, I have no doubt that they will.  THIS SECTION REMAINS SO VALID and worthy of all those DS headlines about evil Caroline Flack sneaking over onto the main show to steal Durrbot's job.

Rough Copy’s VT reminds us that it has been tough!  One of them had to leave because of visa issues!  Then he came back!  Now they want to kill music to please Funsponge!  Oh, and they want to be SPOKESPEOPLE for da yoot because it’s TOUGH out there.  These sob stories are so shit, I kind of wish they’d put Melanie McCabe through just to see how desperate the VTs could get.  Rough Copy then try and act like a Phil Collins song means something to them.  Oh boys, even Phil Collins doesn’t think a Phil Collins song means anything to him.

I hate this song anyway, because it’s a turgid pile of old toss, and they don’t seem to have done much to improve it.  Their vocals are better than they have been though, and they blend OK.  Oh, and for all Funsponge’s bleating that Shelley didn’t revolutionise the song, the only difference between this version and the original is that three people are singing it, not one.  SO CONTEMPORARY IT BLEEDS.  One of them looks a bit like an edgier Aston JLS.  Their clothes are a bit ridiculous – one of them appears to have pinched his jacket from Eton Road 2.

Nicole says they might be the best band she’s seen on this show.  Anyone got a full house on X Factor bingo yet?  Louis says there’s nothing ‘rough’ about them (DRINK) and loves them, and there’s… altogether now… a gap in the market for them  - one just vacated by JLS, maybe?  Sharon says it was perfect, especially Konye/Kanye in the middle -  I assume this is his name and she wasn’t comparing him to Kanye West, but who can tell.  Funsponge reminds us that this is his last year on the show and he’s fighting to the death with Sharon to avoid being the worst mentor ever.  But hooray, for it being his last year on the show.  Maybe now Brian Friedman can come back from wherever he’s been exiled.

Dermot says the 80s are now over, but the flash vote is now open!  Vote lines are open for less than ten minutes, then he will tell us which act will be in the sing-off.  He doesn’t say what will fill those ten minutes, which suddenly feel like a huge chasm of time.

Recap time!  A load of old shit, a desecration to the memory of the 80s and your soul weeping at what a long three months this is going to be!

Dermot drags the acts on stage and says the lines are frozen although that didn’t feel like ten minutes to me. 

Ads!  Natwest to me means those pigs, but not enough that I ever had one!  80s advertising is so firmly lodged in my brain and yet it had very little effect on my life!

Dermot welcomes us back and says the acts are all terrified.  The judges come onstage to join them.  Sharon is proud of her girls and hopes the public feels the same way and LOLDERMOTDICK.  Dermot: ‘Louis, you wanted the boys, you got the boys’.  I don’t like it when this show makes deliberate innuendo.  It feels so forced.  Nicole wishes her acts well.  Dermot says Gary hated the groups at first, but hopes they won him round.  Gary says he hates Saturdays and Sundays.  We hadn’t guessed.

Fortunately, this isn’t dragged out that long – we’re told that whole categories are safe: the girls, the groups (which surprises me, I thought Miss FrankEnDynaBixMix were a shoo-in for the boot) and the boys, which means one of the over-25s is in the bottom.  I would imagine it’s Lorna WHO but then Shelley and Sam are effectively the same person so might just cancel each other’s vote out.  And so it proves.  Shelley is the act who got the least votes tonight.  Poor Shelley, I love her a bit.  Dermot says the flash vote was only eight minutes long.  He said ten earlier, so I expect this very second about eighty furious members of Digital Spy are creating threads demanding people CALL OFCOM ABOUT THIS FIX FACTOR FIX.  Dermot says we can now vote again.  Thanks, but you’re alright, Dermot.

Tomorrow night!  The Actual Cher!  Ellie Goulding!  Join me then!

Much More Drama

Judges’ Houses part two.  Sunday 6 Oct 2013

Last night!  Female dominance 2013 was given its best possible chance when Sharon dumped the last man out of the overs (and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer fellow)!  Louis put through some tiny teenage brunette white boys and one ginger one for a bit of a change!  Tonight!  Which three girls will be elevated to the live shows and another possible Scherzinger win?  Oh, and some groups turn up too to help Gary on his quest to take Sharon’s mantle of worst mentor ever!  It’s!  Time!  To!  Face!  Very little content stretched out to two-hours!

Cue giant X!

Dermot welcomes us from Times Square and introduces to the groups: Kingsland who are now called Kingsland Road, which I hope is in homage to Eton Road Neva4get [I'm still just going to call them Dalston - Steve], Xyra who we don’t know that much about other than their looking like an older, cooler, BixMix, Rough Copy (who dumped their third member because of his visa issues and because loyalty to your friends is the cardinal sin according to this year’s show.  Oh X Factor.  The Spice Girls am disappoint), Miss Dynamix (this year’s Frankenband whose name appears to not only be a mixture of Miss Frank and BixMIX in homage to great Frankenbands of yore – were Miss Frank the first ever Frankenband? And what an apt name if so! [sorry to disappoint, but the first Frankenbands were Futurepoof and Phoebe And The Woo Woo Girls - Steve] – but also a total slight on CeeCee’s old band mates.  Friendship what now?) and Code4 who echo the retro vibe of this year’s show by recalling other such bands as 4Sure and 4Real.  Oh yeah, and Brick City are here, too.  The groups are excited to be going to New York via British Airways.  Gary tells them they can have one day of sightseeing and then they have to get on with it.

The girls (Tamera, Jade, Hannah, Relley, Melanie, Abi) arrive at the airport.  Relley says yesterday she was cleaning hotel rooms and today she’s here.  They’re all excited to be flying via British Airways to Antigua.  A British Airways steward welcomes them all on to a British Airways plane.

The groups are excited to be in Times Square, as well they might be, as it’s pretty much the maddest place I’ve ever been to.  Gary tells us his guest judge has sold millions of records ‘around the world’.  Who could it be?  Madonna?  Alicia Keys?  Rihanna?  LOL NO it’s Olly Murs.  I raise my eyebrows at the ‘millions of record around the world’ claim.  Such an anti-climax.

First up are Kingsland Road.  They’re the group of hipsters who dress badly and sing badly and look like they’ve grafted on bits of every boy band ever in a tribute to The Risk.  They’re doing ‘Dance With Me Tonight’ like the try-hard suck-ups they are.  One of them sings ‘my name is Olly’.  Is it now, or is that a lie?  One of them is wearing tight shorts with braces and a shirt.  One of the others is still wearing your auntie’s shirt from the nineties.  They’re still a hot fried mess.  Gary says they take him back 23 years (to when those shirts were in fashion).   Gary loves them and Olly thinks they’re too good in comparison to himself, but it’s hardly a strong yardstick to hold up to them, is it?

Brick City are next – they’re the vocal group with one woman and three men who look a bit like an R’n’B No Doubt and are yet to be allowed to demonstrate personality.  They call Gary a ‘dad’ and would like to go through.  So informative!  Gary tells Olly that they’re his favourite group.  Olly finds this hard to believe.  Heh.  They’re doing ‘All Around the World’ and it’s a bit nothingy but it’s perfect if they’re looking for week one first boot fodder.  Gary says it wasn’t as good as their past performances.  Olly says they feel like a Frankenband and don’t have much chemistry.  The band themselves think they delivered.  LOLOOPS etc.

Ads!  I thought JLS had split up?  Still, it’s always nice to see Yellow JLS.  Mewwy Christmas!  I’m surprised they let Marvin on this show after he defected to The Voice, though.  (Oh Kylie, please be good, I love you too much and I’m scared)

I love how they’ve gone back to #xfactor as the hashtag and aren’t trying to do #judgeshouses.  I can’t believe this show is still learning how to use hashtags after several years of fail.

Rough Copy are next and Dermot reminds us how to get further in this show you need to dump your friends, even if they were the founding member of your group.  After all, that worked so well for the Sugababes.

Retro styling is all over the bands this year as they look like a beige Kid’n’Play.  They do ‘If I Was Your Boyfriend’ and it’s patchy – some bits are good, other bits are a hot fried mess, and they do seem to be missing a third person.  Then they do a ridiculous long warble at the end.  Gary loves them and Olly says they didn’t seem defeated.  Gary says he likes them better as a three.

Xyra are next wearing their best BixMix tribute outfits.  They talk over their own song so we all know how this is going to pan out – about as well as it did for those two overs whose names it wasn’t even worth learning last night.  And to add insult to injury they’ve been made to sing Phil Collins (‘In the Air Tonight’).  Olly doesn’t think they will win.  Gary lies that they sound good.  Rough Copy aren’t the only group to have shed members, Code4 are now a three piece which kind of gives a lie to their name.  They do some very cheesy dancing (which presumably will appeal to Olly) through their ‘Superstition’ and also give an interview over it so I won’t get too invested in caring about them.  One of them appears to do all the singing.  Gary and Olly said they were group but Gary says they’re a four-piece.  I wonder if some Code4/Rough Copy splicing could happen.

Next up are MissFrankEnBixDynaMix with the usual Frankenband story of ‘we now work together so well’.  One of them thinks it’s such a shock that people from Africa, Manchester and London could work together. Truly a global harmony story for our times.  Their styling is terrible but they have some decent vocals between them.  Their ‘Pure Shores’ is a bit patchy and they’ll never win but they’re probably the best group so far – which is only as much of a comment as being the best man in this year’s Strictly, so it’s week two at best.  Gary as first mentor to lose all his acts?  I would think so.

We see more footage of Times Square, including lots of ads for X Factor USA because somehow, they are still trying to make that thing happen.  Olly lies that one group has potential.  Another group has a rubbish name (they all have rubbish names).  Olly says he’ll go with ‘that one’ from a choice of Code 4 and Brick City and hits the Brick City photo.  Gary will sleep on it.

Ads!  The new IKEA ad is slightly less creepy than that dolls’ house one.

Nicole welcomes the girls to Antigua with some dancers.  Melanie’s hair has gone all Monica from Friends in Barbados.  Our guest judge has sold 50 million records around the world, please welcome Leona Lewis!  Just kidding. Because Nicole is a proper pop star with some clout and because this category is the anointed one, it’s actually Mary J Blige.

Tamera is first and her hair is less bleached than previously.  She’s SIXTEEN and didn’t like school much because she wanted to be a singer.  Her eyelashes are full on Rebecca Ferguson.  Nicole tells Mary that Tamera messes up but when she’s on, she’s on.  Tamera does ‘Fallin’ because that’s not a song we’ve ever heard on this show before.  What next?  ‘Feelin’ Good’?  ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’?  ‘Stop Crying Your Heart Out’?  She does have a nice tone in there but it’s very untamed and all over the shop.  She says that ALL HER LIFE she’s been put down and she wants to show she can do something.  Nicole says it was the best she’s seen her.  Mary says she’s good.  Nicole says she hits the notes but didn’t believe the drama or pain.

Next up is Jade Richards, who has been here, lest we forget.  Poor Jade, you talk over your own audition, so I’m not sure that will go to well for you.  Her version of ‘Hurt’ (Aguilera version) is pretty sketchy.  Nicole says it was like she backed off halfway through and lost them.  Mary agrees.  Next up is Abi, who is KOOKY.  She plays piano as she does ‘Only You’ which is a song this show hasn’t made enough of in the past.  But wait!  What is this?  Abi is talking over herself.  Could we be up for a SHOCK!  BOOT?  She cries that music is her ‘absolute life’ and doesn’t know what she will do if she can’t do it.  I’m pretty sure not getting through on this show doesn’t stop you doing music.  Nicole worries that she’s a one-trick pony.  Mary says it’s the first time she saw the trick, so it moved her.

Relley C is up next.  Her hair is a lot longer/has more extensions and is no longer half black, half-blonde.  I am guessing a fair bit of time elapses in between boot camp and judges’ houses.  Her ‘Many Rivers to Cross’ has some soul although it’s quite uncontrolled – but never mind that – if we’re going to do the reveals in order of performance then that must mean Tamera and Relley go through with a fight to the death between Hannah and Melanie, both of whom I assumed were likely to go top three.  Nicole and Mary loved her and Relley is pleased with her performance.  Nicole says her nerves are still holding her back a bit.

Ads!  That boy on the Sharwood’s ad must be with his dad’s family this week if he’s having poppadoms.  It’s all Macdonald’s with his stepdad when he’s at his mum’s house.

For some reason, this show is not even half-way over but there are only two acts left to sing, which means the results will be super-super dragged out or there’ll be some SHOCK!  TWIST!

Melanie lies that it was brave to come back for a fourth time and lies that she doesn’t want to put her family through it again and emotionally blackmails us that she’s had a TOUGH TIME and she doesn’t want to go back to her OLD LIFE.  I’m much more interested in how VOLUMINOUS her hair is getting.  Her ‘Run’ is typical Melanie – competent, with big pleading eyes but with no real soul or spark or interest.  Melanie says it felt good.  Nicole basically says she is emotionally blackmailing them to put her through.  I mean, she doesn’t say that explicitly, but I feel that was the undertone.

Finally, it’s Hannah, who is SEVENTEEN and comes from Croydon.  Hannah, rocking some bleached braids at the front in this episode of changing hair, says she’s really transformed but talking so much and rehearsing so much has taken its toll on her voice.  She walks around wearing a sign saying she can’t talk.

Nicole’s hair also appears to be getting bigger and bigger throughout the episode.  Hannah cries and Nicole tells her to put everything into her performance.  She’s doing ‘A Change is Gonna Come’ which has a bit more heart in it because of her TRAGIC BACKSTORY than that bloke who did it the other week but I’m still not sure it’s the kind of thing anyone on this show should be singing, especially not when they’re only SEVENTEEN.  Still, her voice is one of the best of this year’s bunch and she’s one of the more consistent performers.  Nicole asks what the song means.  She says ‘the song says it.  A change is gonna come’.  Well, er, yes, but… anyway, she cries and Mary gives her a big hug.  I’m not sure why I find her tears endearing and Melanie’s annoying, because they’re both young girls, so I can only conclude that this show’s SHAMELESS MANIPULATION is working on me.  I will scrub very hard in the bath tonight to wash the ick away.  She tells Dermot she sang from her heart.  Nicole says she has a condition that means she loses her voice easily which is a risk.  Dermot and Hannah talk about how awesome it is to get a hug off Mary J Blige.  I would expect it’s a bit more exciting than one from Olly MURS, that’s for sure.

The girls talk about how scared they are and Abi says the obvious: ‘everything in the competition has led up to this point’.  Melanie reminds us that she had a no before and she would be broken-hearted if she had one again.  Yeah, that level of desperation didn’t endear Joseph to me either – but then maybe the judges want us to feel like this about her so we can be surprised when she doesn’t go through – I’m becoming more convinced of this since I read that Shelley is on her third audition and this hasn’t been mentioned once.  Melanie seems like a nice enough girl, she just needs to give this up now and do something else with her life, and I don’t feel the show is helping her by continually putting her through to Boot Camp/Judges’ Houses – it seems unfair.

Ads!  I do quite love that the Pride of Britain awards is sponsored by Lidl.  It’s as if it’s been designed purely to confuse Nigel Farrage.

We’re back with the groups.  Kingsland Road want to work with Gary Barlow.  They need polishing off but they feel sure he can do it.  (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERTS)  Gary does the standard ‘I hate this bit now give me my huge pay check bit’.  He says they remind him of the other blokes in Take That.  Well, there’s at least one Howard in this group, that’s for sure.  He says other groups sang better than them yesterday but that matters nothing in this show and they’re through.  They are wearing some of the worst shorts and tops known to mankind.  I mean, even Saint Jesy would look at those patterns and decide against them.

Next up are Code4, Rough Copy and Xyra.  Rough Copy miss their third member but not enough to stick with him rather than do this show.  Xyra get to speak for possibly the first time ever.  It’s horrendous knowing what’s coming up.  They have apparently packed their jobs in to do this.  WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?  Have they never seen this show before?  Even the winner is likely to need a fall-back career and everyone else certainly is.  Code4 have worked hard to be a three piece. 

Gary calls Code4’s performance “interesting” and says there was no connection at all but they’re reliable and would be a safe bet.  He can’t find a lead singer in Xyra but they’ve always given good performances.  He loved Rough Copy’s vocals and performance but he keeps thinking about them as a three-piece.  Code4 and Xyra are going home and Rough Copy are going through and Gary is going to try and get their third member back for live shows.  Who would have seen that coming?  I mean all those THEY WORK BETTER AS A THREE hints were so subtle.

Next up it’s the obvious first-boot fodder act vs the Frankenband.  MissFrankEnDynaBixMix want to go through and CeeCee cries a lot thinking about her daughter.  Brick City would also like a yes and apparently have lost friendships along the way, but we weren’t shown these tragic friendship splits so I would imagine they’re going home.  Anyway, the plinky plonky piano plays as Gary tells Brick City he loved them from the beginning and they’ve got something good there.  He says ‘wow’ that MissFrankEnDynaBixMix were only put together “two weeks” ago.  (I saw the girls’ hair Gary, I don’t think so). Gary says Olly thought Brick City were the Frankenband and that was a problem so they’re going home. MissFrankEnDynaBixMix are through and cry all over the place.

Ads! Oh Miley, Miley Miley…

Back with the girls, and the humidity has gotten to everyone’s hair.  They’re also all crying.  Abi says she hates playing gigs when no-one listens.  I kind of feel sorry for her, but at the same time, if no-one listens at your own gigs, then how likely is it that they will buy your records? She’s been put in a VT three way with Relley and Jade and given Relley is the only one who didn’t talk all over her audition, I’m expecting her to go through even though Jade and Abi seemed to be pimped more in early rounds.  Nicole tells Jade she’s worked hard and her voice makes an impact but she’s not going through.  Jade looks unhappy and interviews that she has to go home and say she wasn’t good enough again.  I’m really not sure there was much point in making her or us sit through that whole experience.  Nicole (working some side plaits and with the rest of her hair looking tamer than yesterday) tells Abi/Relley that one of them stood out, one of them wasn’t good enough and one of them is going home.  We pan out to see Relley being sent home and told to take this opportunity and to stop cleaning rooms for a living. Abi is through and tells Nicole she won’t let her down.  That’s the result I would have expected before this episode but those wily editors foxed me with the way they shot the auditions, the cheeky so-and-sos. Nicole says Abi is the right one and cries.

Tamera wants to get through to show that she’s changing for the better.  Nicole says she has the range and the look and she’s getting better, but she hasn’t yet made her decision because for whatever reason they haven’t connected.  However, the Leona Lewis version of ‘Run’ is playing and a big ‘Light up’ is coming any second, so whatevs, Scherz.  Tamera babbles about how she was told when she was younger that she would never amount to anything and she doesn’t want to go back to that place.  I presume this is the show’s attempt to allude to certain tabloid stories.  Wonder what kind of damage control they’ll do on Lorna.  Nicole sends her away for a bit to think and then brings her back and tells her she’s going through.  The music seems to have changed to ‘Because of You’.  Sneaky editors.  Tamera says she has to prove to Nicole that she made the right choice.

Hannah and Melanie cry a lot about how much they want it.  Nicole tells Melanie she should be proud of herself and has the biggest range.  She tells Hannah she has the voice, soul and attitude.  She tells Melanie that sometimes there’s a disconnect because she tries to be perfect.  She tells Hannah she’s worried about her voice giving up.  She lies that the competition is fiercer than it’s ever been.  She then tells Melanie she can’t go through.  Oh show, this really wasn’t worth it, was it?  Why not just send the girl home at an early stage and spare her the repeated humiliation?  By putting her through so many times you just give her false hope.  Nicole tells Hannah she believed in her from her first audition and she’s a star when she sings so she’s through.  Hannah cries into Nicole’s lap like Rylan did and Nicole gives her a big hug and cries as well and tells Hannah she’s giving Rylan a run for his money. 

And even though we know who the final twelve are, that’s still not enough.  MORE BLOATING NEEDED!  But first – ads!  Oh, the newly expensive National Lottery and oh, The Sun+.  Two things destined for failure married at last!

Hooray, it’s time for the parade of winners and losers going home!  I remember how they went through a phase of not showing us the losers going home.  I liked it better when they did that.

A BRITISH AIRWAYS plane drops them home.  Jade’s mum says it’d be great if it was a yes, but then Jade says she didn’t get through and her mum says ‘I know’.  Obviously the families are told beforehand so they don’t make too much of a meal of things for the losers, but LOL at how clunky that was.  Relley’s mum also hugs her as she comes back.

Abi’s house is full of loads of people to welcome her back.  Tamera says how strong her family are as a support system.  Her mum is terrified and her nan says she will burst with pride.  Everyone hugs her.  Hannah laughs ‘I guess no more Greggs for me’ and she gets big hugs from everyone.

The loser groups’ families are at the airport hoping they get through and various family members say they don’t believe it, but they’re all dispatched very swiftly to allow time for the successful groups and MELANIE MCCABE GRIEF PORN / SHOCK TWIST / WHATEVER.

Kingsland’s family are happy and call them Kingsland not Kingsland Road.  (Oh Kingsland Road what even is that?). [I love that they'd had t-shirts made with the old name, which they'll presumably have to bin now. - Steve]  Rough Copy’s families are very proud of them and they tell their third member Gary’s going to try and put him back in.  MissFrankEnDynaBixMix’s families are all squashed into a flat and CeeCee’s adorable daughter can’t wait to see her.

A week later and Gary Barlow turns up at Rough Copy #3’s (Kazim) house to put him back in the band.  Kazim cries and calls Funsponge ‘Gazza’ because I’m sure he’s going to love that.  They turn up at a “surprise” location to see the other two who have “no idea” what will happen.  We don’t seem to get any Melanie grief porn which I’m quite glad about, unless I blinked and missed it.

Makeover time!  Luke’s hair is similar but less plaity and he is smiley.  Sam has been given the cheesy crooner mic.  Nicholas looks about ten.  Sam and Lorna have been given the glam treatment, Shelley has the cheesy fun diva image going on.  Tamera looks young and smiley, Abi looks like Abi but sans flowers in the hair.  Hannah looks like a young diva with a big smile.  The groups look pretty much the same except one of MissFrankEnDynaBixMix has lost the red in her hair and Kingsland Road (they’re keeping that name?) have slightly better clothes on.  Slightly.  Those makeovers were rubbish, show. Up your game. [At least they sorted out Dalton's hair, so there's something. - Steve]

And apparently there is no SHOCK!  TWIST!  Which would be a nice change if that proves true.  Next week!  They all sing!  As if Helen hasn’t suffered enough, she’ll have to recap that bloated mess for you!  Join her then!  Because of miscommunications here at TBF towers, I'm down to do that as well.  I CAN'T WAIT.  Except for the bit where I totally can...

Sun, sea and Sinitta

Judges' Houses: Part 1 - 5 October 2013

Y'all ready for this? It's time for the part of the competition where arguably the least content is stretched over the maximum possible airtime, as everyone goes to a glamorous location, does a load of unpleasant bleating and then waits for some rich people to decide if they've got a future in this business. It's a bit like party conference season, except with fractionally less jingoism.

It's all happening a little differently this year: rather than having all the performances on Saturday and all the snotty tears on Sunday, this time we're having performances AND decisions for two categories on each night - the Boys and the Over-25s first, then the Girls and the Groups in the next show. Unfortunately, I'm stuck recapping both of them since I had to swap out of my duties last weekend (huge thanks for Helen for stepping in for me at short notice, I owe her about a thousand favours by this point), so it doesn't really make much difference to me what order it happens in, I'm still here for the whole thing. [Except... SPOILERS... we all got so messed up about who was on duty when that I spared Steve that fate unwittingly - Rad] And I've already contributed more words to this blog than Shane Filan will utter in this entire episode and nothing's even happened yet, so let's move swiftly along.

We begin with some previews, which are mostly of people crying, as is to be expected. Points of interest from tonight's show are Louis expressing his concern that he's in love with four people (oh my god, the Coalition for Marriage was right - legalising same-sex marriage really does lead to an increased level of acceptance for polyamory!) and Sharon telling a contestant (ostensibly Sam, but you know how tricksy they can be with these edits) that "I want to win, and I don't know whether you can do that for me." Girl, look back at your previous form on this show. I don't know whether you can do this for you.

Giant X plummets earthward, wondering why nobody thinks to intervene. GIANT X WAS ONLY EVER SUPPOSED TO BE ORBITING JUPITER! Poor Giant X.

Dermot's in a crisp white shirt in front of the Hollywood sign, reminding us that there are 24 acts left in the competition, and that they'll have been whittled down to 12 by the end of the weekend. First up, it's the boys - that's Luke, Sam, Paul, Giles, Ryan and Nicholas. This is possibly the only category in which I feel absolutely confident that I know who everyone is, although I admit I did have to do a bit of research before I remembered that Ryan is the bin juice guy. As is customary, they all meet at Heathrow to rip open an envelope and learn where they're off to - it's a bit like The Amazing Race, except they're probably not going to be told to fly to Shanghai, where they'll have to score one point against a 10-year-old junior champion in a game of table tennis to receive their next clue. More's the pity. The honour of opening the envelope falls to Sam, and it turns out that they're all off to St. Tropez. I do kind of miss the days when Louis's category was inevitably told they were going to Dublin, with the accompanying "womp womp" on the soundtrack. Not that I'm saying Dublin's not a lovely place, because it is. I'm going there for a minibreak next year and everything. Giles and Nicholas do a little celebratory dance (after Giles has finished leaping onto Sam's back and riding him around the departure lounge like a Segway) and Ryan tells us that he speaks a little French, like "non non non, mon petit cher". He does know that "mon petit cher" is a term of endearment for a man, right?

Next, the Over-25s arrive - Sam, Andrea, Joseph, Zoe (no evidence of her room audition on YouTube, interestingly), Shelley and Lorna. I have no recollection of Lorna existing prior to this moment, even though I recapped the episode she first appeared in. So that bodes well for the rest of the evening. Joe opens their envelope (presumably envelope-opening duties are reserved for those most likely to get the viewers' ovaries twitching) and reveals that they're off to Los Angeles. Everyone's very excited, although Joe makes sure to boreterview that it's NOT A HOLIDAY, IT'S A COMPETITION. Whatever, Joe. You've not got your child with you any more, so nobody cares what you think.

We get some shots of the contestants enjoying their first-class treatment. I wonder if this is like that previous year where they were all actually booked into in economy and then just bussed up to the sweet seats long enough to film these segments.

Dermot tells us that "the first to arrive are the over-25s". Really? So it's quicker to fly to Los Angeles than it is to fly to St Tropez? Already I find this show's timeline deeply suspicious. They have time for some quick sightseeing footage before being shunted off to Sharon's Beverly Hills mansion. Sharon brags that she's the only judge using her actual house for Judges' Houses. Meanwhile, Nicole is using Judge Judy's house, Louis is using Judge Reinhold's, and Gary is using Judge John Deed's. There's a shot of a "caution: dog running free" sign outside Sharon's house, and I'm not even going to make that joke because it's beneath us all. Sharon says that her category feels really strong, and she needs to win because "it's my time". You've not been on the show for the last five years, pet, I think you might be at the back of the queue. The first item on the agenda at Casa Osbourne is afternoon tea, which is at least one decision Sharon's made this year that I can unreservedly support. She tells her top six that this is do-or-die, and then it's time to reveal her guest judge. Ozzy? Kelly? Jack? Aimee? Nope, it's Robbie Williams, who's looking more and more like a Mark Lamarr tribute act with each passing year. Sam says that she has a huge crush on Robbie Williams, which is absolutely zero surprise.

Sharon and Robbie retire to their poolside loungers and discuss how Gary cannot be allowed to win under any circumstances (again, we are simpatico on this), and our first candidate of the night is Sam. She talks about how family-oriented she is, and how her husband and kids mean everything to her. I will probably be banging on this particular drum a lot over the next two days, but it seems odd to sell yourself on how family-oriented you are when your ultimate goal is to become a megafamous singer, which will more than likely require you to spend a shitload of your life on tour. Sam talks about how the arena auditions showed her how much her husband Craig believes in her, and so she wants to DO IT FOR HIM. She tells Dermot that she's got some powerful notes that she needs to hit. Dermot doesn't particularly look like he cares.

As Sam approaches, Sharon hisses to Robbie that she's a "prison officer" and a "lovely, lovely woman". She doesn't mention anything about singing, funnily enough. Sam is going to sing 'I Have Nothing' by Whitney Houston. She's comparatively restrained for the first half of the song, although she has got a really nasty habit of singing out of the side of her mouth and the accompanying sibilance gets annoying quite quickly, and then of course when she gets to the key change she bellows like she's trying to send a distress signal to passing ships. Robbie asks her if she was "in the moment", and Sam replies that she was thinking about her husband. Say whatever you like about Sam, but whether consciously or subconsciously, she knows how this show works. She runs off to get her hug from Dermot, but she's not sure how well it went. Robbie tells Sharon that he doesn't know where she fits, who her audience is. Sharon says that Sam is "very low-key", which is pretty much the exact opposite of how I would describe Sam, but okay. Robbie thinks that Sam's voice shone, but Sam herself did not.

Lorna is next, and she interviews that she keeps needing to remind herself where she is right now. A bit like Bruce on Strictly Come Dancing. She talks about how she's always loved singing, but never had the confidence to pursue it until a neighbour heard her singing through the wall and came round with an application form for this show. Lorna's neighbour: most charitable person ever? The only paperwork my neighbours will receive if I hear them singing through the wall will come from my local council's noise pollution unit. Lorna says she's very grateful, anyway. Dermot says that everyone in the room was incredibly moved by Lorna's boot camp performance. I still have no memory of it. Lorna vows to give this performance everything she's got.

She sings 'If I Were A Boy' for Robbie and Sharon. I like her tone, and she manages to handle the switch from the husky low notes of the song to the upper register pretty well. After she leaves, Robbie declares that she's "good at that", and that it was "a lovely version of a great song". Sharon still has concerns about Lorna's stage presence, because even when Sharon's seen her performing for a live audience, she still wasn't as good as Sharon would've liked. I guess Sharon and Dermot read the room at boot camp pretty differently, then. Lorna has a little cry on Dermot, as everyone must. Robbie asks Sharon if everyone is going to be as good as Lorna just was. Sharon replies "I hope so", which is Osbourne for "LOL NO."

Comeptition, presented by Marvin and Merry Christmas from JLS. They're clearly hoping for a regular gig on This Morning, aren't they? Then adverts, and the revelation that this weekend's Mail on Sunday comes with a free glossy poster of One Direction. Well, at least it'll be easy to wipe down afterwards, I guess.

We return to Los Angeles, and now it's Shelley's turn. She tells us that LA life is somewhat different from Devon, and she believes she was born to sing. She's nervous, but she's trying to turn her nerves into positive energy. She says that she's going to be on fire today, which is handy, because she's singing 'Girl On Fire' by Alicia Keys. Shelley pulls a lot of faces and sings it in the club style, and I realise how impossible it is not to sing 'Boy Is A Bottom' over it - although it doesn't help that the lyrics to 'Girl On Fire' are so intolerably vapid in the first place, obviously. It does feel as though, demographic-wise, Shelley's in direct competition with Sam. [I've thought that all along - I think they can both get votes for a couple of weeks but then the show will need to Alpha Over one of them - Rad] I like Shelley more as a person, but Sam's performance was probably the better of the two. She ends with a run that doesn't appear to be heading in any particular direction, and Robbie chuckles that she's just singing "all of the notes. All of them." Shelley blows them a kiss and legs it, cackling. Sharon likes Shelley's lack of inhibition, but is worried about all the bad, clichéd habits she's picked up. And Sharon Osbourne knows from cliché, believe you me. Shelley does not cry on Dermot, but does talk about herself in the third person. Sharon mentions that Shelley likes to be the centre of attention, and Robbie's all "yeah, thank goodness we don't have that problem." Snerk.

Zoe and Andrea are featured together, because let's face it, they're both pretty fodder-y. Zoe does the standard "I just feel like this is my last chance" schtick (tell that to Melanie McCabe) and also has a child. Zoe's child's name is Dusty, and Zoe has "Mummy loves Dusty" in Malay tattooed on her arm, but Shelley and Joe have officially reserved all of the "adorable moppet" screentime for this year so Zoe can't hope for that to save her. Sorry Zoe. She sings 'Fix You' in a Shirley Henderson sort of voice, and most of her performance is drowned out by interviews of her talking about her kid, so the future does not look bright for Zoe. She says that she can't go home and tell a three-and-a-half-year-old that "Mummy didn't get through". Well, perhaps you should've considered that sooner. Anyway, kids need to learn it's a cruel world sooner or later. Sure, she'll grown up to be cold, heartless and emotionally impotent, but she'll thank you when she's Secretary of State for Education. Zoe doesn't cry on Dermot either, but does admit to being "shaken and overwhelmed". Sharon likes Zoe's quirky voice and image, but she doesn't know if she can deliver the big songs on Saturday night that people want to hear. You can tell Sharon was absent for the Vickers/Ferguson/Devlin/Henderson years, can't you? Robbie thinks Zoe is the sort of person he would've had a crush on at school.

Then we have Andrea, who has brought her flute along, and I think that tells you everything you need to know about Andrea's chances. She plays the flute for a bit before singing 'High And Dry' by Radiohead in an emotionally overwrought manner and ending on a whistle note that she's not even close to hitting cleanly, so much so that Sharon has to ask her if it was meant to sound like that. Andrea giggles that it "felt like the last note was horrendous" and that she's done it a lot better in rehearsals. After Andrea leaves, Robbie jokes that two of Sharon's dogs passed out during the last note. Andrea does cry for Dermot, and Dermot's all "eh, it happens all the time. I mean did you not see that YouTube clip of Mahogany on the Australian version? And you know about Sarah Harding, right?" Sharon thinks that Andrea is "very creative", but worries about what might happen if Andrea decides to get creative with her end notes on the live shows. Andrea continues to sob in the holding area.

Finally, there's Joe. He talks about how emotional boot camp was, and we flash back to him having a massive strop at the idea of even theoretically being eliminated. Also, it suddenly occurs to me that he sounds like Darrell from The Archers, which is another good reason not to like Joseph Whelan. Dermot talks to Joe about his previous stint on the show, and Joe admits that after last year, he quit his job and tried to make a living out of music, not terribly successfully. Rather than taking the hint, however, Joe came back, because HE WANTS TO GIVE HIS SON WHAT HE DESERVES IN LIFE. And, well, see above. I realise there's no such thing as a stable job in this economy, but in terms of sustainable career plans, "X Factor also-ran" is just about up there with "headteacher of Waterloo Road" in terms of job security: you'll be hounded by the press, inevitably sleep with someone you shouldn't, and eventually an outraged parent will try to knock down your place of work with a JCB before you disappear into the night and no one ever mentions you again.

Joe sings 'I'll Stand By You', and it's all over the place. He doesn't seem to have picked a tempo, for starters, the higher notes are actively unpleasant, and he's just a big ball of nervous energy. Robbie says that he loves Joe and he wants things to go well for him, but he doesn't know where he's going to go. Home, hopefully. Joe tells Dermot that he gave it his all. Robbie tells Sharon that he feels invested in Joe's future because they're both from the Midlands and both have the same aspirations. Also, they both have some really awful tattoos. Sharon doesn't know if Joe can win the competition, and neither does Robbie.

It's night time, because that's better for atmosphere (even though the sun was still very much out for Joe's performance), and now Robbie and Sharon must deliberate. Robbie says she can choose to cut it with her management head on, or she can cut it with her heart. Sharon says that she's done four years and never won, so that's what she needs to do. Opinions include "I don't know if she's spectacular", "she's a diamond in the rough", "without likeability, you're stuck" and "I don't know whether she's the next big pop star". Robbie tells Sharon he doesn't envy her. Understandably.

After the ads, it's time to switch locations to St. Tropez. The boys are frolicking on the beach, and Sam's the only one sunbathing shirtless, so I think we can all feel fairly confident that he's making the live shows. He asks the others if they've ever been anywhere like this before, since he hasn't. Ryan says that it's a film star lifestyle, the sort of thing that you see in the movies but you never expect to happen to you. Determined to upstage Sharon and her Beverly Hills mansion, Louis has arranged to meet his contestants on a yacht. He congratulates them all on getting this far, but tells them they've got work to do. However, he's also sure he's got the winner in his category. Luke interviews that he can't believe he's on a "multi-million boat". Similarly, I can't believe that this piece of is going to on for another hours.

Once everyone's finished enjoying the boat life, it's time to head over to the villa Louis has rented to meet the guest judges: Shane from Westlife, who will be contributing absolutely fuck-all to the entire process, Nicole Appleton, who's just happy anyone remembers her, and (this is where Louis's accent becomes a little unfortunate) "I've got a turd person to help me" - Sinitta. Sinitta is wearing a white bikini and carrying a fan, which is disappointingly understated considering some of her previous outfits. The boys are all very excited to have so many guest judges. [I would say that each judge got the same budget for their guest judges and one Robbie equalled these three, but in no way does one Mary J Blige equal one Olly MURS, so perhaps not - Rad] I feel like in some strange parallel universe, Louis, Shane, Nicole and Sinitta actually is this show's judging panel. Eh, it couldn't be any worse than the panel we had for series eight. They settle down next to the pool. Why does there always have to be a pool in the background? Haven't we officially done all of the waterside tropes now after Kitty Brucknell?

Luke's up first, and he's worried that if he doesn't get through, he'll be going back to college. Ugh! Education! He sings 'Cannonball' like he's passing a kidney stone, and tells Louis that this is what he wants to do for a living. Shane, who looks unsettlingly like Ricky Gervais tonight, says you can tell this means a lot to Luke because he's crying. Well, I can't imagine he's going to be giving Dr Pamela Stephenson any sleepless nights. Nicole thinks he's talented, but she thinks his nerves got the better of him during the performances. Luke has a little Dermot-less weep. Was Dermot in the loo while this was happening? HE IS CRYING, DERMOT, THAT IS YOUR CUE.

Sam's next, and talks about how this show has already let him play for a crowd of 5000 people at Wembley Arena, and he can't go back to pulling pints after that sort of experience. He sings 'We Are Young' by The Fundots, in that same leaden, joyless way that Karen Harding sang it last week at boot camp. Nicole loves him, and Dermot emerges from the khazi in time to enquire how it went. Sam thinks he's done himself justice. Sinitta thinks that Sam is cute, but she thinks he's more of a boyband member than a solo artist. There's no room for Frankenbanding at this stage in the competition, though.

Ads. Gosh, that Joanna Lumley watches a lot of telly.

When we return, it's Paul's turn. He talks to Dermot about how he didn't think he'd get here, because sometimes just having a voice is not enough. Hmmm, if only there were another show he could've auditioned for, where the voice is supposed to be everything. I wish someone would hurry up and invent such a show, given the clear vacuum that exists right now. Paul's worried that he's too fat for this show, basically, even though he's clearly slimmer than Craig Colton, just to pick an example out of thin air. (Okay, poor choice of words, but you know what I mean.)

Having run out of songs about the struggle of being a black man in racially-segregated America, Paul opts for Paolo Nutini's 'Last Request' instead. He's got quite a nice tone, but there's nothing particularly new or exciting going on in this performance. Shane loved the vocal and the song choice, and thinks that Louis has a tough decision ahead. THANKS SHANE. Nicole thinks he has more to give, and there's something missing there that's giving her a brain-block. Yeah, that'll be it. Paul tells Dermot he gave it his all, so he's happy with the performance. Paul retreats to go off and hug Ryan in a "we're the same archetype so we're in direct competition but we're pals all the same" sort of way.

Up next is Giles with his short shorts and skinny little legs. He sings 'You're Beautiful' in a clean but feeble way, and his performance is intercut with interview segments in which he talks about having waited his entire life to audition for this show. YOU'RE SIXTEEN. Good grief. His delivery is a little weird too, there's something Groucho Marx-ish about the way he rushes through some of the lines. Afterwards, he tells Dermot that he thinks some of the notes may have been a bit off. The Bizarro X Factor panel confers, and Sinitta says that her little girl would have Giles's poster up on her wall. Louis thinks he's likeable and fun, but the vocal worries him.

Bin Juice Ryan is up next, telling us that he's quit his job to come to Judges' Houses, so if it all goes wrong, he's got nothing to fall back on, and you'd better believe Iain Duncan Smith will not be allowing him to claim any benefits. He sings Pink's 'Just Give Me A Reason', looking kind of angry throughout, and it's not really a great vocal. I mean, it's better than Giles's, but Sinitta's fan is currently giving us a better vocal than Giles did. Bizarro Panel is unanimous on the matter of Ryan looking unnecessarily angry, and Ryan has a little cry on Dermot, and is too verklempt to say much of anything.

Last up it's Nicholas, who sings 'If You're Not The One', which is a song I loathe so I'm not really sure I can judge this performance objectively. I guess he sings the awful, passive aggressive piece of shit song decently - will that do? His voice cracks a bit on some of the higher notes, possibly because he's just realising what a terrible song it is. At the end, Louis asks why he should pick Nicholas to go through, and Nicholas boohoos that he's just worked so hard. Nicole gets up to give him a hug, and says that this clearly means a lot to him. Louis sends Nicholas on his way. Shane says that he knows exactly how he feels, possibly because Shane is thinking about how he doesn't have any money any more, which would indeed be quite upsetting. A swollen-eyed Nicholas manages to keep it together for Dermot, and says he gave it his best shot. Nicole likes the power of his voice, but wants more performance. Louis wonders if Nicholas might just be too young to do that properly. He thinks Nicholas is potentially a worry for the live shows.

Louis, Shane, Nicole and Sinitta talk through the relative merits of everybody. Louis says that he really likes four of them, but only has space for three. Sinitta and Nicole both like the same three boys. I think that might have been the plot of an episode of Saved By The Bell once. There's one boy that Shane really likes, but Louis thinks he isn't a star and that nobody will vote for him. Louis picks up the Product Placement Tablet to show the others the early auditions, which apparently just confuses everyone even further. See, no good comes of product placement.

Adverts. God, The Wind Waker HD looks SO BEAUTIFUL, but I've already completed the non-HD version of it and I just don't know if I can justify paying for it all over again just to have fancier graphics. My life is so hard.

The next day in LA, it's time for Sharon to tell everyone her decision. Assuming she'd actually made any, since she doesn't exactly have great form on making her damn mind up about anything. The first person to hear the news is Sam, blahblahblah everywoman doing it for my family. Sam's already crying before she even sits down. Sharon asks her how she thinks she did, and Sam thinks she could've done better. Sharon says that Sam's been spoilt so far because every single performance has been followed by people going "oh my god, I can't believe how good you are", but yesterday's performance was a step backwards, not forwards, forwards, not upwards, and never once twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. Sam sobs that she wants it so much, much like I did at Christmas 1986 when I didn't get a Mr Frosty for the third consecutive year. [I had one.  You didn't miss anything.  Two mouthfuls of syrup, a million of tasteless crushed ice.  And the penguin thing got all sticky then the thing lived in a cupboard until my mum quietly disposed of it - Rad] Anyway, Sam's through, with an "if you don't win this for me I'll kick your arse" from Sharon. Duh. Sam rushes off wailing that she needs a cup of tea, and gets a hug from Dermot, saying that she feels sorry for everyone who's still got to hear the news.

Lorna, Zoe and Andrea are all lumped in together. We all know how this show works by now - only one of them is going through, in order to leave one place for Joe and Shelley to fight over at the end. Andrea's disappointed with that hellish note from yesterday, and thinks it was all due to her honest emotions coming out. She hopes Sharon will see past it, though. Zoe says she gave everything in her performance, but she doesn't know if she's what they're looking for. She doesn't want to go back to working in her mum's restaurant, and she doesn't want to disappoint her daughter, WHO IS THREE-AND-A-HALF. God, the sheer number of grown adults using their children for emotional blackmail purposes this year is truly off the charts. Lorna says that she never dreamed she would make it this far in the competition. She too gave her all to her performance, and gets a bit teary thinking about how this is her last shot.

Zoe sits next to Sharon, and tries to do some last minute brown-nosing by telling Sharon how good she looks. Sharon says she's been thinking all night about what to do, and that Zoe doesn't have the strongest voice in the contest, "but what you do have is you're special. You're unique." Yes, if only there were some sort of snappy phrase that really summed up that quality. Zoe cries a bit. Sharon cries a bit. Sharon tells Andrea she's very creative and beautiful, but she's a niche artist. Sharon tells Lorna that she nailed her performance vocally, but Robbie thought she lacked charisma and performance presence. Sharon has MADE HER DECISION. Andrea's going home. So is Zoe, who wails "oh, Sharon!" Dermot asks her if she's all right. Zoe is not all right. Of course, this means that Lorna is through. Whitney Houston's 'I Didn't Know My Own Strength' plays, and we all remember that time she smacked down Danyl Johnson, while simultaneously wondering if a song about working your way through drug addiction is entirely appropriate for this particular situation. Lorna cries to Dermot that this feels like the best day of her life.

So as we all knew, it's between Shelley and Joe for the final spot. Joe says that if Sharon takes him through to the finals, it'll convince him that he did the right thing by coming back. Of course, I'd imagine that if she doesn't take him through, he'd take that as a sign that the right thing to do is to come back AGAIN next year. He talks about how he's 6000 miles away from his son, and about to receive news that is either going to make or break their lives. Except apparently in this situation the good news is the one where he won't actually have time to be around his son, because he'll be busy doing The X Factor every weekend and touring local radio stations trying to convince people to buy his records. Joe doesn't want to have to go home and tell his son that he's failed again. SO STOP AUDITIONING FOR THESE SHOWS, THEN. Shelley says that she's always smiling, but don't take that to mean that she doesn't care. She doesn't want to go back to being a van driver, because she wants to be able to give her daughter an amazing futurzzzzzzzz.

Sharon greets Shelley as her "Devonshire diva" and Joe as her "darling boy". She thinks Joe has a very distinctive sound, but his vocal range is limited. Shelley, meanwhile, has an electric personality and a powerful voice, but she doesn't always know when to dial it back, and Sharon's worried that she hasn't got enough time with Shelley to help her un-learn all those bad habits. Sharon has MADE HER DECISION. Joe is going home. Hooray! He had that coming after his tantrum at boot camp. Joe sniffs that it's worse than last year, because he got SO CLOSE. This of course means Shelley is through. This feels like a baffling decision on Sharon's part, because Sam and Shelley are essentially the same woman in two different wigs and are going to completely cannibalise each other's vote until one of them goes home, so it's a waste of a spot, really. Not that I'm suggesting it should've gone to Joe. God, no. Although I am quite surprised that he didn't make the live shows purely by virtue of having a penis. Shelley is excited to be through, and even more excited that she gets a hug off Dermot. And she sounds more like the lovechild of Stacey Solomon and Komedy Kimberley than ever before.

Adverts. James Corden starring in The Paul Potts Story is a concept so horrific that I don't even want to contemplate it for a single second longer.

We return to St. Tropez, where Louis is waiting to break the news. There's obviously some law that says people named Sam have to go first, since Sam Callahan is at the head of the queue in this group. Sam interviews that he's not sure if he could recover from getting knocked back at this stage, because he'd have to go back to working in a bar and busking during the day. Oh noes! How horrible to go back to a life of being 19 and boyband-pretty! Sam goes off to meet Louis, and admits to being terrified. Sam says that he's worked so hard, and he's praying that he's done enough. Louis tells Sam that he stood out ever since his first audition, but his vocals aren't amazing. Louis reminds Sam that there's a different theme every week, and he doesn't know if Sam is versatile enough. God, I'm trying really hard to be professional and not make "Louis has got the young boys, GAYLOLZ" jokes, but turns of phrase like that really make it very difficult. Anyway, it's not good news for Sam...it's GREAT NEWS! He's through to the live shows, and Sam bursts into tears. Sobbing Sam heads off to hug Dermot repeatedly.

Giles, Luke and Ryan get grouped into the odds-are-not-in-your-favour middle pack. Ryan reminds us that he is unemployed now. Luke says that he keeps going over his audition in his head and worrying about whether he needed to improve on it. Giles says that getting a no would be really hard, because they'd be taking away everything he's ever dreamed of. In his very short life.

Louis tells Giles that they loved his first audition and they saw sparkle in it, but he let himself down yesterday. Louis tells Luke that they loved his first audition and he stood out from the crowd (I'm sensing a theme here), but now he has doubts about Luke's consistency. Ryan is told that he has a strong voice and works very hard, but Louis wonders if he's hiding behind a guitar, and he isn't sure if Ryan has star quality. It's a no for Ryan, and the job centre beckons. Giles chews on his nails. Louis tells Luke he needs someone who will go out there and fight for survival in the live shows. Giles is going home too. That means Luke's through, and Louis tells him that he believes he can sell records anywhere. Louis wonders if he can get Luke to wash his hair.

So it's between Nicholas and Paul for the final spot. Paul reminds us that he is shy, and says that he thinks getting through to the live shows would boost his confidence and make him a better person. I question the reasoning of going on The X Factor to improve your sense of self-worth, all things considered. Paul cries about how he feels worthless. Nicholas interviews that he's realised how much he wants this, and that's why he got so upset yesterday. On the sofa, Nicholas cries to Louis that he wants to pay his family back for all the time and money they've spent on supporting him. Louis tells him that he loved his first audition (drink!) and he was great at boot camp, and yesterday he saw how much it meant to him, but he needs people with great personalities and showmanship. Louis tells Paul that he's worried about his confidence, because "it's not just about the voice, it's everything". He asks Paul if he'd be able to go out and perform, because Louis isn't sure that he can. So who's through? Not Paul, who must go home and continue to hate himself forever, or at least until the next series. Nicholas, therefore, is through and boo hoo hoo, etc. Louis makes Nicholas promise not to let himself down, because this is his big chance.

Ad...break? Wait, what? Haven't we covered everything?

Apparently not, because we now need to follow everyone home for those familial reactions. Seriously, we're actually going to have to watch Zoe Devlin tell her THREE-AND-A-HALF-YEAR-OLD CHILD that Mummy didn't get through. Ugh, I really should've seen this coming, considering how much everyone was going on about not wanting to have to do that. I guess I just didn't realise they meant "...in front of the camera crew that will be trying to capture my child's every tear in glorious high definition".

Nicholas's parents are waiting for him at the airport, and he does the obligatory fake-out before breaking the good news. God, they start young these days, don't they? His parents weep with pride about how he is SIXTEEN and going to be a popstar. Luke has masses of family waiting at home, including his brilliant embarrassing mum who says "he's a cool kid!" They're all thrilled, obviously. Sam Callahan's mum says she's having palpitations with anxiety, so she just wants him to come home. Sam really goes for the full fake-out, possibly because he's still weepy enough to be able to pull it off. Of course, he gets mobbed when he says that he's through. Sam's mum says that he will work so hard, adding "won't you?" in that semi-threatening way that mums do.

Next we must go to the Bad News Brigade: Giles arrives in his family's mint-green living room and tells them that he did not get through. His family are very sweet about it, and tell him he did well to get that far. Zoe's family are waiting for her at the airport, and her mum says "she's not young, she's 28". Thanks, Zoe's mum! Now I feel ancient. Zoe breaks the news to her daughter, who doesn't seem particularly bothered, to be honest. Zoe's mum says that her daughter will succeed one way or another. Joe breaks the news to his excitable family (making sure to tell them first that Sharon thought he was a really nice guy, lol whatever Joe Whelan), and his mum genuinely can't believe it. HE DEPLOYED THE CHILD AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY, HOW COULD HE HAVE POSSIBLY FAILED? Joe's son just seems quite pleased to have his dad home. (Poor Ryan/Andrea/Paul. Apparently they were all such afterthoughts that we don't even get to witness their homecoming despair.)

Sam Bailey returns home and has too big a grin on her face to convincingly do the fake-out. Her son tells her that she's "got a X Factor". Bless. Lorna breaks the news to her extended family, and almost gets squashed in the ensuing celebrations. They make her glug champagne straight from the bottle. I like Lorna's family. Shelley's daughter runs up to her as soon as she gets through the door, and Shelley screams that she's through, and everyone is very excited.

Tomorrow: The Groups! The Girls! The Barlow! The Murs! The Scherzinger! The Blige! I can barely contain myself.