Movie night - the results!
Tx: Sunday 8th November
Last night, the competition was fierce. Presumably the competition to be the worst singer in a very dismal year of TXF? Tonight, one more act must leave! And we must see The Black Eyed PEAS and Leona LEWIS! It's TIME! To FACE! The MUSIC!
Weird snippet of VT, where Simon says, "I think my category has gone up a notch," and Cheryl replies, "It had to go somewhere!" and then cackles, like it's some kind of brilliant comeback. Maybe it was; maybe you had to be there. [I do vastly prefer snarky Cheryl to simpering Cheryl though - Rad]
Titles!
Dermot greets us. I suspect Steve will like the indigo suit and purple tie combo. [It's still BOXY, so regrettably not. - Steve] Dermot then reiterates exactly what we heard pre-titles re special guests, and the entire concept of the competition, reminding us that the lines are still open should we wish to vote.
He introduces the judges, who appear from behind the screen. Dannii's fringe is wonky. Cheryl's hair is laden with "some natural extensions", as featured on L'Oreal adverts the world over.
Oh, fuck, I'd forgotten about the hideous mime-fest that is the group sing. This week it's Hot N Cold. They are all very bad at both miming and acting. The boys seem to all be in some derivation of tartan, for reasons unclear to me. John and Edward flail around, and then there are pyrotechnics.
Dermot fluffs reading the autocue, and then we have a recap of last night. It's a very LONG recap. In fact it's so long I feel like I didn't need to watch the main show. In previously unseen footage, Simon walks past Stacey backstage and says something; Lloyd said something dull, while Cheryl and Louis bickered about something random; Jamie Afro Archer says his song was from a film and thus not cheating, and Simon suggests Louis should be a traffic warden; Lucie felt she showed the real her last night and is very very happy (spoiler alert: AHAHAHAHAHA sweet fate and twist of irony); Danyl is no longer cocky, in case you missed that; NotLouis was on crack and John lost his brother backstage; Joe understands what Louis means, which is nice. Gosh, everyone is really quite dull this year.
Here are the Black Eyed PEAS. They have sold 60 million records world-wide. That is a lot. Fergie looks a bit like a melted Joss Stone, and is standing in a crescent moon. [NotLouis and the BEP - a match made in crack heaven - Rad] Then there is flying on wires and I feel a bit like I'm watching the wrong reality TV show. There's also too much dry ice. And there's scurrying into the crowd and keyboards and audience participation, and then an excruciating Dermot-Peas interview as usual (in which Fergie reveals she is wearing Cheryl's shoes, which I find oddly fabulous and endearing). Please, someone, please stop Dermot talking to proper people.
Oh, God, and then he starts talking to the judges, calling Louis "mardybum". They all agree that individually they made no mistakes in song choice. Louis thinks Lloyd is in danger. Dannii refuses to answer, and Dermot tries to press her, "I'm Paxman! Give me an answer!" [Pac-Man, more like. - Steve] and then totally lets her off the hook, rather disproving his previous statement. Simon says Lloyd or one of the girls are in trouble. And that is that.
Ooh, now Leona LEWIS. Little montage of her career. Does anyone think that R*y Q*i*n would have had similar global success had he beaten her to top spot in 2006? She sings. Dermot talks to her. She says "amazing" and "um" a lot.
Time for the results. Who is safe? Joe; Olly; Stacey; Lloyd; Danyl; and Jamie. Which means a sing-off between John and Edward and Lucie. Simon guarantees us that the past will be forgotten and it will be based on who gives the best performance now. Dannii confirms that it is a shock because Lucie was one of the best last night; Louis says that John and Edward need to have fun. Dannii thanks everyone on behalf of Lucie for supporting her thus far. Well, they haven't supported her a lot, have they? Lucie comes on to stage, looks a bit pissed off, and then coughs. She sings One Moment In Time very boringly. John and Edward perform Rock DJ in their own inimitable style. Hang on, are they singing in two-part harmony occasionally? Cheryl is beaming.
Louis tells Lucie that she is incredible and shouldn't have been in the bottom two, but he has to save John and Edward. Dannii saves Lucie. Cheryl opts to save John and Edward home even though she loves them. Whatever. And Simon, with dollar signs spinning round in his eyes, lies that he is not surprised that both acts are in the bottom two, and he would rather see the boys sing again. Those boys, you recall, that he calls "horrors" who cannot sing on a regular basis. So he decides to go to deadlock. [FUCKING deadlock as I think it should now be called. Even numbers of judges suck - Rad] Lucie has her head in her hands.
As well she might. Because Lucie is the one going home. Dannii looks like she's about to vomit. John and Edward look shellshocked. Quick montage of Lucie's JOURNEY from her SMALL VILLAGE in WALES which is actually next door to BEAUTIFUL CARDIFF. Lucie is in bits and Dannii wanders on to hold her hand. La Minogue proceeds to bitch about wishing "the good singers luck in this singing competition", which is rather classless and also a total fallacy - since when has The X Factor been a singing competition? [I actually thought this was awesome - it was a total sideswipe at Cowell who is ALWAYS trying to pretend this is a singing competition when it suits his own purposes - largely this year every time someone tries to criticise Danyl. So while it was a bit catty, I thought it was justified. - Steve] [I think it would have been better had it been at a time when Jedward weren't on the stage looking mortified. - Carrie] Dannii blames herself, Lucie tells her not to, there is a lot of hugging.
Next week, the contestants face a new challenge, and Shakira will be singing. As will all 12 Finalists, who'll be performing their charidee single in aid of Great Ormond Street Hospital. I would pay good money not to hear that.
Hey ho. Join us again next week!
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Box office poison
Songs From The Movies: 7 November 2009
I can't believe I haven't recapped this show since the week one results. More to the point, I can't believe I actually begged to recap this week because I actually missed doing it. That's quite disturbing, isn't it? Then again, I suspect the reason is that I have more anger to vent than I can possibly convey in a set of parentheses.
LAST WEEKEND: "Rock" week happened, and involved a mixture of pedestrian (Jamie) and deranged (Lloyd) song choices. Olly wore a red beret on his shirt and pretended it was a poppy, and then ripped his shirt open. Lucie won Cheryl ovah. Danyl pouted his way through his song but escaped the bottom two, and poor Rachel was finally put out of her misery.
This week it's movie week! The contestants are going to a movie premiere! Dannii's not prepared to lose another contestant. Cheryl is feeling protective. Louis is chuckling away, as well he might. Simon smugs that he's still the only judge with three acts left. Yes, and at this point last year so was Dannii, and look what happened there. He claims that he must be doing something right (apparently ignoring the part where his favourite contestant was almost voted off two weeks ago) and that his contestants are the three to beat. Well, he's got me there. I would certainly like to beat all three of them with a large plank of wood. Preferably one with splinters and rusty nails in it. Louis claims we're in for a treat tonight. I'd say either that or a trick, but I suppose any Halloween references should've been made last week. Anyway, it's time to face something masquerading as music!
Post-titles, tiny Dermot enters and stares at his feet a lot. Perhaps the shame is now too much even for him. The contestants will be singing songs from "big famous movies", he tells us - and remember that when it's time for Lucie's performance. He introduces "four people who are locked in their own version of Star Wars" - the judges. Dannii appears to be dressed as Princess Leia tonight, except without the cinnamon bun hairdo. Cheryl has learnt from her free-flying mammary mistakes of last week and is wearing a demure LBD, and looks lovely. Incidentally, Dannii and Louis have returned to their usual seats this week, meaning that all that wank in the tabloids about a possibly permanent seat move was fruitless.
Dermot appears to completely forget what he has to say next, and squints and scratches his head and thinks REALLY HARD before suggesting that Dannii introduces the first of the girls. [Oh, it was embarrassing. I think Dermot is having a meltdown. - Carrie] It's Stacey, who was really pleased with her comments from Simon last week. "I'm not one of the over-25s, and he likes me!" she giggles. HA! I love how Stacey brings the snark without ever actually sounding like a bitch. That's quite a gift - I wish I could do that. This week, all the contestants went to the premiere of A Christmas Carol (sorry, DISNEY's A Christmas Carol), where Jim Carrey's beard was eating his face and Bob Hoskins ran past The X Factor's cameras as quickly as possible. Stacey's outfit is hideous, but she loves being on the red carpet and giggles and squeals. She ponders that if she wins, she might get to go to premieres all the time. Y'know, like Leon Jackson does. Dannii's chosen a song from Pulp Fiction for Stacey - Stacey had not seen the film until this week and thinks it's "a bit violent". She's "more of a Toy Story girl" herself. She rehearses into a bottle of water (am I missing something about the acoustic qualities of Highland Spring receptacles here?), and is worried about it because it is a sexy song. NotLouis thinks Stacey is not a natural mover. Cheryl thinks Stacey is adorable, but that she hasn't got it in her to be sexy. I would think the father of Stacey's child might beg to differ. Dannii thinks Stacey is getting better and better.
Stacey's singing 'Son Of A Preacher Man', and is decked out in PVC and a cardigan, which is an odd combination. She sounds good (though she's sounded better), and I think she's not doing bad on the sexy front. I mean, it's all a bit obvious (PVC! Hip-shaking! Caressing her own buttocks!) but I'm not sure I should be expecting subtlety when NotLouis is the creative director. She ends it on a glory note, and it's a good finish. [I listened to this from the kitchen and I thought it was a dreadful vocal - much her worst performance. - Carrie] Louis loves Dusty Springfield (shocker!) and Stacey's new sexy look. He thinks that if the competition was based on personality, she'd walk it, but he thinks her performance lacked emotion. Cheryl thinks it's great to see Stacey looking sexy and young (O RLY?) because that's how she should be looking. Simon thinks that Stacey's performance was like eating Chinese food, because "you don't feel anything afterwards". "I feel good!" Stacey counters. Simon thinks the song choice was lazy, and that Stacey might be vulnerable tonight. Dannii snits that Simon is out of touch, and that this got Stacey her best reaction yet. She says that Stacey was cool and sexy, and that this was "what Duffy and Amy would've done". Eh, maybe. Dermot says that Stacey came in looking like Olivia Newton-John and that the audience thinks she's sexy, "even if most of you are girls!" He's hinting that some of the audience might be bisexual! Quick, call Ofcom! He reads out Stacey's voting number and off she goes, while Dermot teases upcoming performances from Olly and Lloyd.
Sigh. The adverts are no respite when they contain trailers featuring Piers bloody Morgan.
We return with Simon, and "the incredible Olly Murs". He says that every week he feels much more confident, and talks about ripping his shirt open last week, and tries to pretend the entire thing was spontaneous. What the fuck ever, Nipples McGee. This week he also went to DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL, where Olly was overwhelmed by screaming fans. His reaction to being on the red carpet is essentially a more restrained version of Stacey's. Simon has chosen a song from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which is one of his favourite movies of all time, apparently. He thinks that Olly is like Ferris because he's funny and cheeky. Olly has loved the movie since he was little, and wants to do the song justice, but also wants to make it "more contemporary and more modern". Dannii points out that Simon's choosing the same songs for Olly week in week out (actually I'd just say he picks the same very restricted batch of songs every year regardless of who he's got as a contestant). Olly trusts Simon's judgement, and says he's just got to go out there and make it his own.
He's singing 'Twist And Shout', and doing a very odd looking version of the twist at the top of the stairs. [Also, how on earth are you going to make a 1960s song used in a 1980s film "more contemporary"? It's the fucking Twist! - Carrie] He's wearing a suit again, which is a shame. I mean, not that I'm vastly invested in Olly's sartorial choices, but I thought after last week's denim shirt they might have finally stopped dressing him like a temp in a call centre. The vocals are fine, as much as you can really do anything with this song, and I would say that Olly is a far more deserving recipient of the "not a natural mover" edit than Stacey is, but there you go. [He makes my flesh crawl. LITERALLY. In the way this show uses that word, obviously. Not literally literally. - Rad] Louis loved Olly's performance last week, but he wasn't crazy about "the silly dancing" and he thinks Simon picked "a silly song" - he thinks Olly is much better than this. Dannii didn't think Olly believed in the song, and wondered why it went into a Thriller routine halfway through. Cheryl's like "if you haven't seen the film, that would look random, yes." Cheryl thinks it went down a storm, but she thinks Olly is singing a lot of retro songs and wants to hear him do something more contemporary. The audience drown her out with their vacuous whooping and Simon's all "unfortunately, guys, the audience are speaking", because if there's one thing you can rely on an X Factor studio audience for, it's a considered and objective response. Hilariously, the audience's vacuous whooping then drowns out Simon and Louis's silly ensuing argument. Simon thinks the other judges have been "mean" tonight because Olly put on a show tonight and was entertaining. Dermot asks Olly for his thoughts on the "mixed bag" (drink!). Olly says he'll take it on board. Dermot asks him if he wants to do something more contemporary and Olly is all "I'll do whatever Simon tells me! Next week I'll be singing 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face' while rubbing money all over my chest!"
Cheryl's next, and introduces "the lovely Lloyd Daniels". Lloyd's bizarre performance of 'I Kissed A Girl' put him in the bottom two last week, and his sore throat made him sing badly on Sunday. Or rather, even worse than usual. Lloyd talks about going to DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL and thinks it was a taste of what his life would like if he won. Cheryl's picked him a song from Stand By Me (guess which one?), which according to Lloyd is "about four friends who go on a journey". Yes, that is literally everything that happens in that film. Sheesh. Simon in VT says that Cheryl needs to pick a current song from a current movie for Lloyd, which is followed by Cheryl saying they've picked an old song but made it "more contemporary" (drink!). Louis thinks the song is too old for Lloyd. Lloyd says he's got this far, and nothing's going to stop him fighting for this, dammit. I may have added the "dammit".
Lloyd is sitting on a stool and looking like Aaron Carter, and then the camera cuts to Simon talking to Cheryl with a very serious look on his face for longer than is necessary, which is quite jarring. Lloyd noodles around in a sub-Cullum style and is exactly as underwhelming as you'd expect. Nice kid, okay voice, but hopelessly out of his depth. Oh, and apparently they are making it contemporary by having him sing the first verse of Sean Kingston's 'Beautiful Girls' in the middle of it. Wow, that's some real thinking outside the box right there. Louis says it was much better than last week, but thinks Lloyd isn't good enough a singer for this stage of the competition, because there are four male singers better than him. As long as he doesn't think any of those singers are named John or Edward, I concur. Dannii thought it was well-chosen for his vocal range ("because there's a certain range you can sing in, and you can't go above that" - ouch!) and she points out that he missed a couple of notes, and sums up that it was "a nice performance". "Like having tea with your Mum," agrees Simon [who reiterates that he does indeed very much like having tea with his mum - Carrie], and repeats that Lloyd is out of his depth, suggesting that Lloyd is giving up a little bit at this point. Cheryl thinks that's unfair, because Lloyd's confidence was knocked after his B2 appearance last week, but she thinks this was his most confident vocal to date. As for the accusations that this was too old for him, she says that if she'd given him "a younger movie", it would've come across as cheesy. I'm not sure the decision is quite so binary as that, Cheryl. Lloyd openly admits that he was terrible last week and that it was hard to pick himself up, and he hopes he's done better. He does look kind of miserable, the poor kid.
We return after the commercials with Simon, and Jamie. He thought last week was a tough week for him, being rock week. Oh, SHUT UP. I don't care about you whinnying about the "expectation", if you can't do bloody rock week of all weeks, you have no place in this competition. Jamie attends DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL premiere and looks a bit of a twat, to be honest. [Because he is one? - Carrie] He went into his sound check to do 'Unchained Melody', and Simon decided it wasn't working again, so now he'll be doing 'Crying', which was apparently the song he wanted to do in the first place. I literally could not care less about Jamie's switcheroo song choices week in week out. Get a new gimmick. Simon's all "it was in the movie Gummo - it's not very well known, but it's a movie!" and at this point the goalposts have been moved so far apart they're actually outside the walls of the stadium. Louis is unimpressed. Jamie has always wanted to perform this song on the show. Simon says that this is Jamie LITERALLY from the heart. Hey, maybe he'll cough up some blood!
And if this is from the heart, then I suspect Jamie is due some serious health problems in later life. It starts out weak and feeble, and then gets loud, but at no point is there any noticeable emotional connection, no matter how many times he blinks or raises his free hand in the air. As far as reality show performances of this song go, this one isn't fit to stand within a 100 mile radius of Carrie Underwood's, which actually had some degree of emotional consistency in the vocal, as opposed to LOUD quiet LOUD quiet LOUD, which is what this was. Louis is pleased Jamie has stopped with the silly rock stuff, and thinks it was Jamie's most emotional and best performance, though he calls Simon out on cheating with the movie. There follows literally the only known example of Simon Cowell claiming that popularity is not everything, when he says that the theme is "movies" and not well-known movies. I'll remember that next time he criticises someone for singing a song that didn't make the Top 10. Dannii thought it was emotional and heartfelt, and not a pub rocker - this is what they want to see. She thinks he should choose the songs in future. Corporate Cheryl thinks Simon did well in changing the song, because 'Unchained Melody' is cheesy and this song was a much better fit. Simon scowls that they intended to base it on U2's version and that U2 are not cheesy. Oh, PLEASE. (Also, was U2's version from a movie? Because if not - STILL CHEATING.) Cheryl's all "U2? WTF?" and Simon tells her to look on YouTube (or should that be U2Tube?) and Cheryl's chagrined face is epic indeed. "I was nice to him by the way!" Cheryl snits. Simon doesn't care, he's just annoyed that Cheryl called 'Unchained Melody' cheesy. Dermot reignites the cheating debate, not that it's ever going to get resolved. Jamie's all "it was in Mulholland Drive as well!" That might have been a better one to go with. Jamie takes the opportunity to thank everyone for their support, and he's outta here. [I felt all smug because I've heard of Gummo. Those years reading indie mags didn't go to waste! - Rad]
After the break, we're back with Dannii and the girls - specifically, "I love Lucie". Her Guns 'n' Roses last week got the Cowell seal of approval at long last, and Dannii thinks that Lucie found her direction last week - young and cool. Lucie thinks that going to the premiere of DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL was the best thing ever, and that it inspired her to give her best every weekend. She's doing a song from Camp Rock, which I swear that no one above the age of 16 has seen. Dannii says it's about a young girl who dreams of being a singing star, so it's perfect for Lucie. Yvie lectures her on the need to convince everyone that this is the story of Lucie. Simon says she needs to show us all who she is, because he doesn't think people know.
Her song is called 'This Is Me', apparently, and has that whole anaemic DISNEY rock vibe, and I'm trying to decide whether the fact that Lucie does bear a passing resemblance to Demi Lovato is a help or a hindrance. I think the sound levels are off here, because even when Lucie's singing with almost no accompaniment, she's still really quiet, and not in a way that suggest she's doing it on purpose. It's a decent enough performance, I guess, but I kind of forgot about it before it was even over. Louis thinks it was a fantastic choice - very cool and contemporary, and he thinks she'll be the last girl standing. Cheryl thinks she's found her niche - she wasn't familiar with the song, but she thinks it could've been written for Lucie. She advises Lucie to just loosen up a little bit more. Simon says that this is the first time Lucie has made herself relevant as a pop artist, because the song was working together with her. He thought she looked comfortable, and while it's not a well-known song it's a good song (of course, because it's DISNEY). Dannii smiles that she's not the only person who loves Lucie, and calls it a "beautiful performance". Lucie says she really enjoyed the song, because it is cool and DISNEY (no really, she actually said that). She too has started to mimic Stacey in the guffawing stakes. Are there bizarre genetic experiments going on backstage? The Bitch Factor insists: WE MUST BE TOLD.
Apparently next is "a new Danyl Johnson". Good, I couldn't stand the old one. Danyl says that Saturday night wasn't his best performance, and that Dannii and Cheryl were completely right to criticise him. How very HUMBLE. When he got through, he felt he'd been given a second chance, and he's determined never to be in the bottom two again. Going to the premiere of DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL was great, he says. Shocker. Oh, and here comes the heresy of the night: he's singing 'Purple Rain'. Yes, that one. No mention is made of Ruth's iconic performance that turned her from fodder to a contender overnight, just of it being one of Simon's favourite songs. Dannii thinks there's a chance of it going back to being another overproduced performance. Cheryl, in arguably my favourite pre-performance VT segment of the series to date, says "I'm sure he's going to do a big long note at the end, but I'm kind of over it." HA! Excellent. She really did sound entirely over it, as well. Simon says Danyl has to be amazing this week, and it's time this became a singing competition again. Oh, Simon. This has never been a singing competition, and you know it.
Danyl sings. He has a new haircut. He is not a patch on Ruth Lorenzo.
Louis says that he "won everybody over" and that he deserves to be in the competition, and he is a talented guy. He thinks he'll be in the final. Dannii loves the new look, and thought it was a good performance. He loves the falsetto, but doesn't like it when he screams too much at the end. She tells him to use his voice more moderately. Cheryl likes his demeanour and thinks he's lost his cocky attitude. Jesus Christ, anyone wonder what kind of message we're supposed to be taking home about Danyl this week? Simon says it was an outstanding vocal (it wasn't, especially) and that he thinks this show has found a great singer who was almost broken and who has now got his performance back up, and we should be proud of him, and we should be supporting him. As we all shall be from now on! WE LOVE DANYL. WE LOVE DANYL. WE LOVE DANYL. WE LOVE DANYL. WE LOVE DANYL. WE LO----hang on a minute. No, he's still a tool. Nice try with the brainwashing, though. You almost had me there.
Dermot The Stooge comes out and does a bit more brainwashing with Cheryl as an accomplice (reminder: THERE WAS NO COCKY ATTITUDE THERE), and talks to Danyl about what it's like to not have hair any more.
After an ad break and some shilling for next year's tour, it's time for the elephant in the room - John and Edward. Last week they were an even bigger mess than ever, and yet they are still here. They went to the premiere of DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL with everyone else. They liked being called "Jedward" by the fans because "it's like Brangelina" [The funniest thing about Jedward, even more so than the twincest implications, are all the confused American tweens on Twitter trying to figure out if it's Edward Cullen and Jacob from Twilight. For that reason alone, I approve of the moniker - Rad]. Louis says that they were the act that were in all the papers the day after the premiere. Simon points out that even Gordon Brown thinks they're shit. Louis counters that Simon and Gordon have something in common - not knowing what the public want. Ooh, this political satire is SPICY! They'll be singing 'Ghostbusters'. Jedward say that they wanted to be Ghostbusters when they were younger, but they weren't brave enough. [They are aware that 'ghostbuster' is not in fact a real job? - Carrie] Dannii, in my second favourite pre-performance VT of the night, says "I ain't 'fraid of no ghost, but I'm starting to get afraid of John and Edward." Snerk. Their rehearsals with NotLouis are disastrous. Simon thinks the appeal has to wear off eventually. Louis thinks Simon is terrified and he's loving every minute.
The staging is cracktacular, of course. [NotLouis is really earning his biscuits when it comes to this pair. - Carrie] They start off sitting in a cardboard cutout Ghostbusters station wagon, and they even have lines! "John, save me!" "Don't be such a baby!" Oh dear. There's someone dangling on wires behind them in white rags, and I'm not entirely sure it isn't Laura White. And then at the end, there's even a Stay Puft marshallow man coming on behind them in a costume that is terrifying for all the wrong reasons. It ends, and there are cheers and boos in equal measure. Dannii has no idea what she can say that's constructive - she says they always either talk or rap, so she's not really sure what they'll release if they win. Cheryl says they bring fun to the show, and that children aged 3-10 adore them. Wow, she's been studying her demographics. Simon says that we've established that they can't sing, but that this was a good song for them because it was "sort of good" compared to some of their earlier performances, albeit "in a very childish, average age of one-and-a-half" way. Louis says that all he knows is that people are talking about them everywhere he goes. He says the world is full of doom and gloom and these guys are having fun, which is what this show is all about. Which is the exact opposite of the comment he used to give Same Difference every week. Dermot asks them what it's like to get such a hard time every week. Edward says they just go for it, and they're just young and having fun. Dermot asks if they think they can win, and John says that they need public support, and they won't be safe without the public vote.
I honestly thought that was the end of the show, until Dermot reminded me that Joe hasn't been on yet. I honestly forgot he existed. [Me too! - Carrie] [Me three! - Rad]
After the ads, Cheryl introduces her "gorgeous Geordie boy Joe". He says that last week, being able to stand out in the audience felt like he was at his own concert. Going to the premiere of DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL was amazing - he was stood in front of the photographers, and he could see flashing everywhere. Naughty! He says that it all felt like a dream that he never wants to wake up from. Cheryl says she's chosen a beautiful and epic song for Joe from one of her favourite DISNEY films, The Lion King. Louis says that the song is famous for being from a movie, but more famous for being from a musical, which: no it isn't. Simon says that Joe's a musical theatre singer, and so will have all kinds of gimmicks thrown at it. Cheryl, essentially, does not give a shit about any of this, which I kind of admire. Besides, like half of this show's finalists don't end up in musical theatre anyway. [Don't even get me started on the use of "musical theatre" as a derogatory term. - Carrie]
So yes, it's 'Circle Of Life', done more in the style of the West End show than the Elton John version, and Joe starts out barely audible, but someone manages to sort out his mic level after a while. NotLouis probably thought all his Christmases had come at once when he had the opportunity to stage this, and he doesn't disappoint. Joe is competent in a bland sort of way, much as we've come to expect at this point. I preferred him last week, to be honest. Louis says that Joe's definitely one of the best singers in the contest, but they're looking for a pop star, not a musical theatre star. He thought it was a bit predictable and safe, and he thinks Joe is better than that. Dannii is incredulous: "coming from you, with John and Edward - 'we're looking for a pop star'? Okay." HA! She tells Joe that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and the most likeable guy, and she's going so off-message when clearly the most likeable guy and best singer is DANYL that I half expect Simon to pull out a gun and shoot her at any second. Her only criticism is that she didn't like the staging, so if Simon doesn't kill her, NotLouis probably will. Simon thought it was a perfect song for Joe, because it's what he's all about - he liked the production, but he thinks Joe needs to stop "this stage-school swaying", and he takes the opportunity to clear that up that Joe is definitely NOT the best male singer in the competition, thank you very much. HAIL DANYL! Cheryl loved it and thinks Joe is starting to feel like a little brother to her. Dermot arrives and suggests to Louis that going from Journey to The Lion King makes Joe a well-rounded popstar, at which point Louis totally loses it and screams "but you're not a judge, Dermot! I'm a judge!" Dermot, quite correctly, points out that the public are the real judges, though he does it in such an obsequious way that I quite want to smack him anyway. Joe flashes that winning smile while Dermot reads out his voting number.
Performance recap: Stacey being sexy in the sort of way that this show actually condones; Olly dancing like the entire world has run out of WD-40; Lloyd reminding us all that Sean Kingston exists, so thanks for that; a look into the hollow where Jamie's heart would normally be; Lucie welcoming our new DISNEY overlords; Danyl failing to live up to Ruth Lorenzo's standards; Jedward being Jedward; and Joe holding a newly-born lion cub up to the heavens.
That's it - we'll be back later with the results, featuring the Black Eyed Peas and Leona LEWIS! See you then!
I can't believe I haven't recapped this show since the week one results. More to the point, I can't believe I actually begged to recap this week because I actually missed doing it. That's quite disturbing, isn't it? Then again, I suspect the reason is that I have more anger to vent than I can possibly convey in a set of parentheses.
LAST WEEKEND: "Rock" week happened, and involved a mixture of pedestrian (Jamie) and deranged (Lloyd) song choices. Olly wore a red beret on his shirt and pretended it was a poppy, and then ripped his shirt open. Lucie won Cheryl ovah. Danyl pouted his way through his song but escaped the bottom two, and poor Rachel was finally put out of her misery.
This week it's movie week! The contestants are going to a movie premiere! Dannii's not prepared to lose another contestant. Cheryl is feeling protective. Louis is chuckling away, as well he might. Simon smugs that he's still the only judge with three acts left. Yes, and at this point last year so was Dannii, and look what happened there. He claims that he must be doing something right (apparently ignoring the part where his favourite contestant was almost voted off two weeks ago) and that his contestants are the three to beat. Well, he's got me there. I would certainly like to beat all three of them with a large plank of wood. Preferably one with splinters and rusty nails in it. Louis claims we're in for a treat tonight. I'd say either that or a trick, but I suppose any Halloween references should've been made last week. Anyway, it's time to face something masquerading as music!
Post-titles, tiny Dermot enters and stares at his feet a lot. Perhaps the shame is now too much even for him. The contestants will be singing songs from "big famous movies", he tells us - and remember that when it's time for Lucie's performance. He introduces "four people who are locked in their own version of Star Wars" - the judges. Dannii appears to be dressed as Princess Leia tonight, except without the cinnamon bun hairdo. Cheryl has learnt from her free-flying mammary mistakes of last week and is wearing a demure LBD, and looks lovely. Incidentally, Dannii and Louis have returned to their usual seats this week, meaning that all that wank in the tabloids about a possibly permanent seat move was fruitless.
Dermot appears to completely forget what he has to say next, and squints and scratches his head and thinks REALLY HARD before suggesting that Dannii introduces the first of the girls. [Oh, it was embarrassing. I think Dermot is having a meltdown. - Carrie] It's Stacey, who was really pleased with her comments from Simon last week. "I'm not one of the over-25s, and he likes me!" she giggles. HA! I love how Stacey brings the snark without ever actually sounding like a bitch. That's quite a gift - I wish I could do that. This week, all the contestants went to the premiere of A Christmas Carol (sorry, DISNEY's A Christmas Carol), where Jim Carrey's beard was eating his face and Bob Hoskins ran past The X Factor's cameras as quickly as possible. Stacey's outfit is hideous, but she loves being on the red carpet and giggles and squeals. She ponders that if she wins, she might get to go to premieres all the time. Y'know, like Leon Jackson does. Dannii's chosen a song from Pulp Fiction for Stacey - Stacey had not seen the film until this week and thinks it's "a bit violent". She's "more of a Toy Story girl" herself. She rehearses into a bottle of water (am I missing something about the acoustic qualities of Highland Spring receptacles here?), and is worried about it because it is a sexy song. NotLouis thinks Stacey is not a natural mover. Cheryl thinks Stacey is adorable, but that she hasn't got it in her to be sexy. I would think the father of Stacey's child might beg to differ. Dannii thinks Stacey is getting better and better.
Stacey's singing 'Son Of A Preacher Man', and is decked out in PVC and a cardigan, which is an odd combination. She sounds good (though she's sounded better), and I think she's not doing bad on the sexy front. I mean, it's all a bit obvious (PVC! Hip-shaking! Caressing her own buttocks!) but I'm not sure I should be expecting subtlety when NotLouis is the creative director. She ends it on a glory note, and it's a good finish. [I listened to this from the kitchen and I thought it was a dreadful vocal - much her worst performance. - Carrie] Louis loves Dusty Springfield (shocker!) and Stacey's new sexy look. He thinks that if the competition was based on personality, she'd walk it, but he thinks her performance lacked emotion. Cheryl thinks it's great to see Stacey looking sexy and young (O RLY?) because that's how she should be looking. Simon thinks that Stacey's performance was like eating Chinese food, because "you don't feel anything afterwards". "I feel good!" Stacey counters. Simon thinks the song choice was lazy, and that Stacey might be vulnerable tonight. Dannii snits that Simon is out of touch, and that this got Stacey her best reaction yet. She says that Stacey was cool and sexy, and that this was "what Duffy and Amy would've done". Eh, maybe. Dermot says that Stacey came in looking like Olivia Newton-John and that the audience thinks she's sexy, "even if most of you are girls!" He's hinting that some of the audience might be bisexual! Quick, call Ofcom! He reads out Stacey's voting number and off she goes, while Dermot teases upcoming performances from Olly and Lloyd.
Sigh. The adverts are no respite when they contain trailers featuring Piers bloody Morgan.
We return with Simon, and "the incredible Olly Murs". He says that every week he feels much more confident, and talks about ripping his shirt open last week, and tries to pretend the entire thing was spontaneous. What the fuck ever, Nipples McGee. This week he also went to DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL, where Olly was overwhelmed by screaming fans. His reaction to being on the red carpet is essentially a more restrained version of Stacey's. Simon has chosen a song from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which is one of his favourite movies of all time, apparently. He thinks that Olly is like Ferris because he's funny and cheeky. Olly has loved the movie since he was little, and wants to do the song justice, but also wants to make it "more contemporary and more modern". Dannii points out that Simon's choosing the same songs for Olly week in week out (actually I'd just say he picks the same very restricted batch of songs every year regardless of who he's got as a contestant). Olly trusts Simon's judgement, and says he's just got to go out there and make it his own.
He's singing 'Twist And Shout', and doing a very odd looking version of the twist at the top of the stairs. [Also, how on earth are you going to make a 1960s song used in a 1980s film "more contemporary"? It's the fucking Twist! - Carrie] He's wearing a suit again, which is a shame. I mean, not that I'm vastly invested in Olly's sartorial choices, but I thought after last week's denim shirt they might have finally stopped dressing him like a temp in a call centre. The vocals are fine, as much as you can really do anything with this song, and I would say that Olly is a far more deserving recipient of the "not a natural mover" edit than Stacey is, but there you go. [He makes my flesh crawl. LITERALLY. In the way this show uses that word, obviously. Not literally literally. - Rad] Louis loved Olly's performance last week, but he wasn't crazy about "the silly dancing" and he thinks Simon picked "a silly song" - he thinks Olly is much better than this. Dannii didn't think Olly believed in the song, and wondered why it went into a Thriller routine halfway through. Cheryl's like "if you haven't seen the film, that would look random, yes." Cheryl thinks it went down a storm, but she thinks Olly is singing a lot of retro songs and wants to hear him do something more contemporary. The audience drown her out with their vacuous whooping and Simon's all "unfortunately, guys, the audience are speaking", because if there's one thing you can rely on an X Factor studio audience for, it's a considered and objective response. Hilariously, the audience's vacuous whooping then drowns out Simon and Louis's silly ensuing argument. Simon thinks the other judges have been "mean" tonight because Olly put on a show tonight and was entertaining. Dermot asks Olly for his thoughts on the "mixed bag" (drink!). Olly says he'll take it on board. Dermot asks him if he wants to do something more contemporary and Olly is all "I'll do whatever Simon tells me! Next week I'll be singing 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face' while rubbing money all over my chest!"
Cheryl's next, and introduces "the lovely Lloyd Daniels". Lloyd's bizarre performance of 'I Kissed A Girl' put him in the bottom two last week, and his sore throat made him sing badly on Sunday. Or rather, even worse than usual. Lloyd talks about going to DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL and thinks it was a taste of what his life would like if he won. Cheryl's picked him a song from Stand By Me (guess which one?), which according to Lloyd is "about four friends who go on a journey". Yes, that is literally everything that happens in that film. Sheesh. Simon in VT says that Cheryl needs to pick a current song from a current movie for Lloyd, which is followed by Cheryl saying they've picked an old song but made it "more contemporary" (drink!). Louis thinks the song is too old for Lloyd. Lloyd says he's got this far, and nothing's going to stop him fighting for this, dammit. I may have added the "dammit".
Lloyd is sitting on a stool and looking like Aaron Carter, and then the camera cuts to Simon talking to Cheryl with a very serious look on his face for longer than is necessary, which is quite jarring. Lloyd noodles around in a sub-Cullum style and is exactly as underwhelming as you'd expect. Nice kid, okay voice, but hopelessly out of his depth. Oh, and apparently they are making it contemporary by having him sing the first verse of Sean Kingston's 'Beautiful Girls' in the middle of it. Wow, that's some real thinking outside the box right there. Louis says it was much better than last week, but thinks Lloyd isn't good enough a singer for this stage of the competition, because there are four male singers better than him. As long as he doesn't think any of those singers are named John or Edward, I concur. Dannii thought it was well-chosen for his vocal range ("because there's a certain range you can sing in, and you can't go above that" - ouch!) and she points out that he missed a couple of notes, and sums up that it was "a nice performance". "Like having tea with your Mum," agrees Simon [who reiterates that he does indeed very much like having tea with his mum - Carrie], and repeats that Lloyd is out of his depth, suggesting that Lloyd is giving up a little bit at this point. Cheryl thinks that's unfair, because Lloyd's confidence was knocked after his B2 appearance last week, but she thinks this was his most confident vocal to date. As for the accusations that this was too old for him, she says that if she'd given him "a younger movie", it would've come across as cheesy. I'm not sure the decision is quite so binary as that, Cheryl. Lloyd openly admits that he was terrible last week and that it was hard to pick himself up, and he hopes he's done better. He does look kind of miserable, the poor kid.
We return after the commercials with Simon, and Jamie. He thought last week was a tough week for him, being rock week. Oh, SHUT UP. I don't care about you whinnying about the "expectation", if you can't do bloody rock week of all weeks, you have no place in this competition. Jamie attends DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL premiere and looks a bit of a twat, to be honest. [Because he is one? - Carrie] He went into his sound check to do 'Unchained Melody', and Simon decided it wasn't working again, so now he'll be doing 'Crying', which was apparently the song he wanted to do in the first place. I literally could not care less about Jamie's switcheroo song choices week in week out. Get a new gimmick. Simon's all "it was in the movie Gummo - it's not very well known, but it's a movie!" and at this point the goalposts have been moved so far apart they're actually outside the walls of the stadium. Louis is unimpressed. Jamie has always wanted to perform this song on the show. Simon says that this is Jamie LITERALLY from the heart. Hey, maybe he'll cough up some blood!
And if this is from the heart, then I suspect Jamie is due some serious health problems in later life. It starts out weak and feeble, and then gets loud, but at no point is there any noticeable emotional connection, no matter how many times he blinks or raises his free hand in the air. As far as reality show performances of this song go, this one isn't fit to stand within a 100 mile radius of Carrie Underwood's, which actually had some degree of emotional consistency in the vocal, as opposed to LOUD quiet LOUD quiet LOUD, which is what this was. Louis is pleased Jamie has stopped with the silly rock stuff, and thinks it was Jamie's most emotional and best performance, though he calls Simon out on cheating with the movie. There follows literally the only known example of Simon Cowell claiming that popularity is not everything, when he says that the theme is "movies" and not well-known movies. I'll remember that next time he criticises someone for singing a song that didn't make the Top 10. Dannii thought it was emotional and heartfelt, and not a pub rocker - this is what they want to see. She thinks he should choose the songs in future. Corporate Cheryl thinks Simon did well in changing the song, because 'Unchained Melody' is cheesy and this song was a much better fit. Simon scowls that they intended to base it on U2's version and that U2 are not cheesy. Oh, PLEASE. (Also, was U2's version from a movie? Because if not - STILL CHEATING.) Cheryl's all "U2? WTF?" and Simon tells her to look on YouTube (or should that be U2Tube?) and Cheryl's chagrined face is epic indeed. "I was nice to him by the way!" Cheryl snits. Simon doesn't care, he's just annoyed that Cheryl called 'Unchained Melody' cheesy. Dermot reignites the cheating debate, not that it's ever going to get resolved. Jamie's all "it was in Mulholland Drive as well!" That might have been a better one to go with. Jamie takes the opportunity to thank everyone for their support, and he's outta here. [I felt all smug because I've heard of Gummo. Those years reading indie mags didn't go to waste! - Rad]
After the break, we're back with Dannii and the girls - specifically, "I love Lucie". Her Guns 'n' Roses last week got the Cowell seal of approval at long last, and Dannii thinks that Lucie found her direction last week - young and cool. Lucie thinks that going to the premiere of DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL was the best thing ever, and that it inspired her to give her best every weekend. She's doing a song from Camp Rock, which I swear that no one above the age of 16 has seen. Dannii says it's about a young girl who dreams of being a singing star, so it's perfect for Lucie. Yvie lectures her on the need to convince everyone that this is the story of Lucie. Simon says she needs to show us all who she is, because he doesn't think people know.
Her song is called 'This Is Me', apparently, and has that whole anaemic DISNEY rock vibe, and I'm trying to decide whether the fact that Lucie does bear a passing resemblance to Demi Lovato is a help or a hindrance. I think the sound levels are off here, because even when Lucie's singing with almost no accompaniment, she's still really quiet, and not in a way that suggest she's doing it on purpose. It's a decent enough performance, I guess, but I kind of forgot about it before it was even over. Louis thinks it was a fantastic choice - very cool and contemporary, and he thinks she'll be the last girl standing. Cheryl thinks she's found her niche - she wasn't familiar with the song, but she thinks it could've been written for Lucie. She advises Lucie to just loosen up a little bit more. Simon says that this is the first time Lucie has made herself relevant as a pop artist, because the song was working together with her. He thought she looked comfortable, and while it's not a well-known song it's a good song (of course, because it's DISNEY). Dannii smiles that she's not the only person who loves Lucie, and calls it a "beautiful performance". Lucie says she really enjoyed the song, because it is cool and DISNEY (no really, she actually said that). She too has started to mimic Stacey in the guffawing stakes. Are there bizarre genetic experiments going on backstage? The Bitch Factor insists: WE MUST BE TOLD.
Apparently next is "a new Danyl Johnson". Good, I couldn't stand the old one. Danyl says that Saturday night wasn't his best performance, and that Dannii and Cheryl were completely right to criticise him. How very HUMBLE. When he got through, he felt he'd been given a second chance, and he's determined never to be in the bottom two again. Going to the premiere of DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL was great, he says. Shocker. Oh, and here comes the heresy of the night: he's singing 'Purple Rain'. Yes, that one. No mention is made of Ruth's iconic performance that turned her from fodder to a contender overnight, just of it being one of Simon's favourite songs. Dannii thinks there's a chance of it going back to being another overproduced performance. Cheryl, in arguably my favourite pre-performance VT segment of the series to date, says "I'm sure he's going to do a big long note at the end, but I'm kind of over it." HA! Excellent. She really did sound entirely over it, as well. Simon says Danyl has to be amazing this week, and it's time this became a singing competition again. Oh, Simon. This has never been a singing competition, and you know it.
Danyl sings. He has a new haircut. He is not a patch on Ruth Lorenzo.
Louis says that he "won everybody over" and that he deserves to be in the competition, and he is a talented guy. He thinks he'll be in the final. Dannii loves the new look, and thought it was a good performance. He loves the falsetto, but doesn't like it when he screams too much at the end. She tells him to use his voice more moderately. Cheryl likes his demeanour and thinks he's lost his cocky attitude. Jesus Christ, anyone wonder what kind of message we're supposed to be taking home about Danyl this week? Simon says it was an outstanding vocal (it wasn't, especially) and that he thinks this show has found a great singer who was almost broken and who has now got his performance back up, and we should be proud of him, and we should be supporting him. As we all shall be from now on! WE LOVE DANYL. WE LOVE DANYL. WE LOVE DANYL. WE LOVE DANYL. WE LOVE DANYL. WE LO----hang on a minute. No, he's still a tool. Nice try with the brainwashing, though. You almost had me there.
Dermot The Stooge comes out and does a bit more brainwashing with Cheryl as an accomplice (reminder: THERE WAS NO COCKY ATTITUDE THERE), and talks to Danyl about what it's like to not have hair any more.
After an ad break and some shilling for next year's tour, it's time for the elephant in the room - John and Edward. Last week they were an even bigger mess than ever, and yet they are still here. They went to the premiere of DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL with everyone else. They liked being called "Jedward" by the fans because "it's like Brangelina" [The funniest thing about Jedward, even more so than the twincest implications, are all the confused American tweens on Twitter trying to figure out if it's Edward Cullen and Jacob from Twilight. For that reason alone, I approve of the moniker - Rad]. Louis says that they were the act that were in all the papers the day after the premiere. Simon points out that even Gordon Brown thinks they're shit. Louis counters that Simon and Gordon have something in common - not knowing what the public want. Ooh, this political satire is SPICY! They'll be singing 'Ghostbusters'. Jedward say that they wanted to be Ghostbusters when they were younger, but they weren't brave enough. [They are aware that 'ghostbuster' is not in fact a real job? - Carrie] Dannii, in my second favourite pre-performance VT of the night, says "I ain't 'fraid of no ghost, but I'm starting to get afraid of John and Edward." Snerk. Their rehearsals with NotLouis are disastrous. Simon thinks the appeal has to wear off eventually. Louis thinks Simon is terrified and he's loving every minute.
The staging is cracktacular, of course. [NotLouis is really earning his biscuits when it comes to this pair. - Carrie] They start off sitting in a cardboard cutout Ghostbusters station wagon, and they even have lines! "John, save me!" "Don't be such a baby!" Oh dear. There's someone dangling on wires behind them in white rags, and I'm not entirely sure it isn't Laura White. And then at the end, there's even a Stay Puft marshallow man coming on behind them in a costume that is terrifying for all the wrong reasons. It ends, and there are cheers and boos in equal measure. Dannii has no idea what she can say that's constructive - she says they always either talk or rap, so she's not really sure what they'll release if they win. Cheryl says they bring fun to the show, and that children aged 3-10 adore them. Wow, she's been studying her demographics. Simon says that we've established that they can't sing, but that this was a good song for them because it was "sort of good" compared to some of their earlier performances, albeit "in a very childish, average age of one-and-a-half" way. Louis says that all he knows is that people are talking about them everywhere he goes. He says the world is full of doom and gloom and these guys are having fun, which is what this show is all about. Which is the exact opposite of the comment he used to give Same Difference every week. Dermot asks them what it's like to get such a hard time every week. Edward says they just go for it, and they're just young and having fun. Dermot asks if they think they can win, and John says that they need public support, and they won't be safe without the public vote.
I honestly thought that was the end of the show, until Dermot reminded me that Joe hasn't been on yet. I honestly forgot he existed. [Me too! - Carrie] [Me three! - Rad]
After the ads, Cheryl introduces her "gorgeous Geordie boy Joe". He says that last week, being able to stand out in the audience felt like he was at his own concert. Going to the premiere of DISNEY'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL was amazing - he was stood in front of the photographers, and he could see flashing everywhere. Naughty! He says that it all felt like a dream that he never wants to wake up from. Cheryl says she's chosen a beautiful and epic song for Joe from one of her favourite DISNEY films, The Lion King. Louis says that the song is famous for being from a movie, but more famous for being from a musical, which: no it isn't. Simon says that Joe's a musical theatre singer, and so will have all kinds of gimmicks thrown at it. Cheryl, essentially, does not give a shit about any of this, which I kind of admire. Besides, like half of this show's finalists don't end up in musical theatre anyway. [Don't even get me started on the use of "musical theatre" as a derogatory term. - Carrie]
So yes, it's 'Circle Of Life', done more in the style of the West End show than the Elton John version, and Joe starts out barely audible, but someone manages to sort out his mic level after a while. NotLouis probably thought all his Christmases had come at once when he had the opportunity to stage this, and he doesn't disappoint. Joe is competent in a bland sort of way, much as we've come to expect at this point. I preferred him last week, to be honest. Louis says that Joe's definitely one of the best singers in the contest, but they're looking for a pop star, not a musical theatre star. He thought it was a bit predictable and safe, and he thinks Joe is better than that. Dannii is incredulous: "coming from you, with John and Edward - 'we're looking for a pop star'? Okay." HA! She tells Joe that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and the most likeable guy, and she's going so off-message when clearly the most likeable guy and best singer is DANYL that I half expect Simon to pull out a gun and shoot her at any second. Her only criticism is that she didn't like the staging, so if Simon doesn't kill her, NotLouis probably will. Simon thought it was a perfect song for Joe, because it's what he's all about - he liked the production, but he thinks Joe needs to stop "this stage-school swaying", and he takes the opportunity to clear that up that Joe is definitely NOT the best male singer in the competition, thank you very much. HAIL DANYL! Cheryl loved it and thinks Joe is starting to feel like a little brother to her. Dermot arrives and suggests to Louis that going from Journey to The Lion King makes Joe a well-rounded popstar, at which point Louis totally loses it and screams "but you're not a judge, Dermot! I'm a judge!" Dermot, quite correctly, points out that the public are the real judges, though he does it in such an obsequious way that I quite want to smack him anyway. Joe flashes that winning smile while Dermot reads out his voting number.
Performance recap: Stacey being sexy in the sort of way that this show actually condones; Olly dancing like the entire world has run out of WD-40; Lloyd reminding us all that Sean Kingston exists, so thanks for that; a look into the hollow where Jamie's heart would normally be; Lucie welcoming our new DISNEY overlords; Danyl failing to live up to Ruth Lorenzo's standards; Jedward being Jedward; and Joe holding a newly-born lion cub up to the heavens.
That's it - we'll be back later with the results, featuring the Black Eyed Peas and Leona LEWIS! See you then!
Monday, November 02, 2009
Start crying your heart out
Rock Week: Results
Transmission date 31 October 2009
Last night, the definition of "rock" was stretched to breaking point! Jamie was dull! Danyl was a whiny little bitch! Olly's dancing remained terrifying! John and Edward channelled 5ive! Lloyd kissed a girl and liked it! Louis and Simon bickered again! TONIGHT! Someone will be going home!
Dermot implores us to welcome "our" X-Factor finalists for the always-super-duper spectacular that is the group song. They're doing the Girls Aloud/Sugababes version of 'Walk This Way', which, let us not forget, was the worst thing either group had ever released (well, until 'Girls' and 'Get Sexy' at any rate) and one of the worst cover versions ever. This has, as usual, been autotuned to within an inch of his life, but no autotune can make up for the contestants' hopeless attempts at rapping. Stacey does hers in a Dagenham accent. There are breakdancers and a climbing frame and I still don't get the point of this - see also the group song on American Idol, which is equally pointless.
We then see a stupidly long recap of last night as usual.
Our first very special guests are Bon Jovi. It seems like it's been a long time since they had a new single out, and you'd have thought they could have come back with something more memorable than this standard slightly upbeat MOR toss. It's no 'Livin' on a Prayer', that's for sure. Jon Bon Jovi's face doesn't look as weathered as it did fifteen years ago. Hmm. How come we didn't get Jon Bon and the other Jovis being guest mentors? I've enjoyed the comedy antics of Whitney and Robbie this year. This song goes on and on and doesn't get any less dull. However, unlike Whitney, Jon does know when his new album comes out. Dermot tells them they've been together a quarter of a century now, though I'm sure it's longer than that. Dermot's inner twelve year old high-fives Richie Sambora which is a bit random. He tries to get a bit of banter with Jon about the contestants but it's clear Jon neither knows nor cares about any of them. Sensible man. [I love Jon Bon Jovi. And actually blushed for Dermot as he asked permission to high-five the Sambora. - Carrie]
We then get the competition, with a clip of Ruth Lorenzo showing this shambles just how a rock song should be done.
We come back from the ads with the show telling us that The Nation's Sweetheart Cheryl Cole has the number one album and single and there's a slightly uncomfortable bit where Simon asks Cheryl to come to to his record label and she laughs it off. Dermot asks the judges who should be going home and Simon says 'John and Edward' but no-one else gives an opinion. Odd.
Our second very special guests are JJB Sports. We get a long VT of their "X Factor journey" and there's a weird bit where we're reminded that they were LOSERS last year (well, they came second to the fierceness of Alexandra, but whatevs) but have overcome their loserness to have hit records and be the "most successful" group from this show, though I think G4 might have something to say about that. The captions say 'THEY'RE LIVING THE DREAM' at one point. Oh dear. The guys are all looking good, but sadly their new song is as duff as the Bon Jovi one. I couldn't hum either of them if you asked me to. JLB Credit do perform well, and NotLouis has given them some weird high staging to get raised up on at one point. Even though they put in their fair share of dud performances last year they're still miles apart from a lot of our current crop, who are making me nostalgic for Ruth and Alexandra and even for Diana Vickers, although admittedly only for her 'Man in the Mirror' and 'Call Me' performances. Still, they missed a trick by not getting JML Direct on for the Christmas show. (Merry Christmas!) [Still hilarious 10 months later. - Steve]
Dermot squeals that they've upped their game and then says Oritse has improved his dancing and has clearly been off his red meat. Um? Louis says these guys are "living proof that this show works if you've got the right act". Simon says they are great because they put themselves together rather than having someone put them together. What, like Hope, FutureProof and Miss Frank?
Results time. O Fortuna. Safe are: Joe (which Simon looks oddly peeved about, although there was surely no doubt), Olly, Lucie, Jamie, Stacey, Danyl (who explodes), and... John and Edward, as if there was any doubt. Rachel looks devastated, she knows being in the sing-off three times is never a good thing. Lloyd looks lost. I don't like his singing but he does look like a bewildered kitten at the whole thing.
Poor Rachel is first. She's singing 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' which seems to be one of the show's anointed vaguely contemporary songs this year [it's on Leona's new album, so that's probably why - Steve] and, given the lyrics, is perhaps a cruel choice for the sing-off. She's good, but you know, she's Rachel - she's better than a large percentage of the other contestants but there isn't enough that's special about her to make her stand out. It's not her fault she looks like a knock-off Rihanna, but I suspect that may be why nobody's bothered voting for her.
Lloyd fumbles his way through 'You are So Beautiful to Me'. It's not good, as you'd expect, especially as he has a cold. He does hit the occasional note, to give him his due, but really he is out of his depth as a soloist, and Louis is right - he should be in a boy band. Or at school.
Dannii and Cheryl save their own acts, as you might expect. Louis waxes lyrical about how professional and lovely Rachel is and it sounds as if he's saying all this only to send her home, but he saves her. Simon says Rachel was a lot better than Lloyd but the public clearly don't like her so he sends it to DEADLOCK. I am so sick of this gimmick. The whole four judges thing completely falls down when it comes to this part of the show. Anyway, unsurprisingly, Rachel got the fewest votes from the public and is going home. And she's crying, presumably because she knows how much better she is than at least half of the remaining contestants, AND she has had to suffer the indignity of going out against the tuneless wonder that is Lloyd. It also means Simon is the last mentor with all his acts left and he'll be an insufferable cock next week. Joy. Rachel's best bits are a montage of crazy and not-quite-fulfilled potential. They should have just shown her falling over on a loop.
Next week! Songs from films! Leona Lewis will be here to embarrass them all! The Black Eyed Peas will be here to outcrazy the twins! They'd better not mess up Roxette again this year! Join us then!
Transmission date 31 October 2009
Last night, the definition of "rock" was stretched to breaking point! Jamie was dull! Danyl was a whiny little bitch! Olly's dancing remained terrifying! John and Edward channelled 5ive! Lloyd kissed a girl and liked it! Louis and Simon bickered again! TONIGHT! Someone will be going home!
Dermot implores us to welcome "our" X-Factor finalists for the always-super-duper spectacular that is the group song. They're doing the Girls Aloud/Sugababes version of 'Walk This Way', which, let us not forget, was the worst thing either group had ever released (well, until 'Girls' and 'Get Sexy' at any rate) and one of the worst cover versions ever. This has, as usual, been autotuned to within an inch of his life, but no autotune can make up for the contestants' hopeless attempts at rapping. Stacey does hers in a Dagenham accent. There are breakdancers and a climbing frame and I still don't get the point of this - see also the group song on American Idol, which is equally pointless.
We then see a stupidly long recap of last night as usual.
Our first very special guests are Bon Jovi. It seems like it's been a long time since they had a new single out, and you'd have thought they could have come back with something more memorable than this standard slightly upbeat MOR toss. It's no 'Livin' on a Prayer', that's for sure. Jon Bon Jovi's face doesn't look as weathered as it did fifteen years ago. Hmm. How come we didn't get Jon Bon and the other Jovis being guest mentors? I've enjoyed the comedy antics of Whitney and Robbie this year. This song goes on and on and doesn't get any less dull. However, unlike Whitney, Jon does know when his new album comes out. Dermot tells them they've been together a quarter of a century now, though I'm sure it's longer than that. Dermot's inner twelve year old high-fives Richie Sambora which is a bit random. He tries to get a bit of banter with Jon about the contestants but it's clear Jon neither knows nor cares about any of them. Sensible man. [I love Jon Bon Jovi. And actually blushed for Dermot as he asked permission to high-five the Sambora. - Carrie]
We then get the competition, with a clip of Ruth Lorenzo showing this shambles just how a rock song should be done.
We come back from the ads with the show telling us that The Nation's Sweetheart Cheryl Cole has the number one album and single and there's a slightly uncomfortable bit where Simon asks Cheryl to come to to his record label and she laughs it off. Dermot asks the judges who should be going home and Simon says 'John and Edward' but no-one else gives an opinion. Odd.
Our second very special guests are JJB Sports. We get a long VT of their "X Factor journey" and there's a weird bit where we're reminded that they were LOSERS last year (well, they came second to the fierceness of Alexandra, but whatevs) but have overcome their loserness to have hit records and be the "most successful" group from this show, though I think G4 might have something to say about that. The captions say 'THEY'RE LIVING THE DREAM' at one point. Oh dear. The guys are all looking good, but sadly their new song is as duff as the Bon Jovi one. I couldn't hum either of them if you asked me to. JLB Credit do perform well, and NotLouis has given them some weird high staging to get raised up on at one point. Even though they put in their fair share of dud performances last year they're still miles apart from a lot of our current crop, who are making me nostalgic for Ruth and Alexandra and even for Diana Vickers, although admittedly only for her 'Man in the Mirror' and 'Call Me' performances. Still, they missed a trick by not getting JML Direct on for the Christmas show. (Merry Christmas!) [Still hilarious 10 months later. - Steve]
Dermot squeals that they've upped their game and then says Oritse has improved his dancing and has clearly been off his red meat. Um? Louis says these guys are "living proof that this show works if you've got the right act". Simon says they are great because they put themselves together rather than having someone put them together. What, like Hope, FutureProof and Miss Frank?
Results time. O Fortuna. Safe are: Joe (which Simon looks oddly peeved about, although there was surely no doubt), Olly, Lucie, Jamie, Stacey, Danyl (who explodes), and... John and Edward, as if there was any doubt. Rachel looks devastated, she knows being in the sing-off three times is never a good thing. Lloyd looks lost. I don't like his singing but he does look like a bewildered kitten at the whole thing.
Poor Rachel is first. She's singing 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' which seems to be one of the show's anointed vaguely contemporary songs this year [it's on Leona's new album, so that's probably why - Steve] and, given the lyrics, is perhaps a cruel choice for the sing-off. She's good, but you know, she's Rachel - she's better than a large percentage of the other contestants but there isn't enough that's special about her to make her stand out. It's not her fault she looks like a knock-off Rihanna, but I suspect that may be why nobody's bothered voting for her.
Lloyd fumbles his way through 'You are So Beautiful to Me'. It's not good, as you'd expect, especially as he has a cold. He does hit the occasional note, to give him his due, but really he is out of his depth as a soloist, and Louis is right - he should be in a boy band. Or at school.
Dannii and Cheryl save their own acts, as you might expect. Louis waxes lyrical about how professional and lovely Rachel is and it sounds as if he's saying all this only to send her home, but he saves her. Simon says Rachel was a lot better than Lloyd but the public clearly don't like her so he sends it to DEADLOCK. I am so sick of this gimmick. The whole four judges thing completely falls down when it comes to this part of the show. Anyway, unsurprisingly, Rachel got the fewest votes from the public and is going home. And she's crying, presumably because she knows how much better she is than at least half of the remaining contestants, AND she has had to suffer the indignity of going out against the tuneless wonder that is Lloyd. It also means Simon is the last mentor with all his acts left and he'll be an insufferable cock next week. Joy. Rachel's best bits are a montage of crazy and not-quite-fulfilled potential. They should have just shown her falling over on a loop.
Next week! Songs from films! Leona Lewis will be here to embarrass them all! The Black Eyed Peas will be here to outcrazy the twins! They'd better not mess up Roxette again this year! Join us then!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I said ROCK, not SHOCK
ROCK week \m/
Tx: 31st October, 2009
Right, children, there's a hell of a lot of rubbish to watch tonight, so let's begin, shall we? The voiceover man recaps last week for us - big band, competition, backflips, sparkles, actress, bitching, cheating, twins. All you really need to know is that Danyl and Miss Frank were the bottom two, and the girls left.
This week! Mad teenage girls have gone to Golders Green to stalk the twins in the X Factor house. Tonight! Our remaining acts will "sing" "ROCK" "songs"! The judges, by the way, are all proud of their acts, and think they could win. Dermot stomps out on to the stage doing the devil-horn fingers thing, and welcomes us to our "X-Fictor weekend" which apparently starts here. He warns us that we should be scared. I already am.
Here are the judges. I really have no idea what Cheryl is wearing. It looks like she has two dinner plates over each breast. Dannii is sitting on the end tonight, so the panel looks like a dinner party of exemplary etiquette with its girl-boy seating pattern.
First up tonight is Joe, who doesn't know how Simon expects him to have had Latin flair last week with Sway because he is FROM SOUTH SHIELDS. He is worried by the media attention and also by rock week. Louis and Simon don't think Joe will be able to sing rock. Cheryl is all bolshy and promises that he will. Joe is realistic about the possibility that he might totally cock up.
He's singing Don't Stop Believing, and weirdly, it does kind of work. He does have a lovely voice. He tries to work the crowd a bit and keeps scrunching his nose in an attempted sneer. Then two dancers wander on and begin to do an interpretative routine. Please take this as a warning - I've looked ahead and NotLouis is on fine crack-addled form this week.
Dannii says his voice is exceptional, and he is a star. She loved seeing him work the crowd because he looked comfortable and they love him. Louis was won over - "the little boy has become a man." Ew. Simon says that Joe is consistent; "a little bit limp and stage-schooly" (this from the man who championed Ray Quinn), and then mocks the dancers, which is fair enough. Joe tries to pretend he's not laughing. Cheryl snaps that Simon doesn't appreciate contemporary dance. [I love her a little bit for saying that with an entirely straight face. - Steve] She begins giving her comments, and then Simon interrupts to tell her to sit up. She is all wide-eyed and outraged, and then hoicks her boobs up. Dermot reckons the panel was "a literal love-in". Literally not, Dermy.
Next is Lucie, who was accused of singing like an actress last week, and is still upset. She thought she performed really well last week, and then we are reminded of Simon's comment which we saw TEN SECONDS AGO. Simon VTs that he didn't kill a puppy. Lucie says she doesn't sing rock, but Dannii is sure a rock chick is inside her. Insert joke here. Lucie is adamant that Simon will change his mind about her, and he points out that it's the public she needs to think about impressing.
She's lying on a sofa with headphones. Why does she have headphones, please? [For a minute I thought she was on the phone, and wondered if she was voting for Jedward. - Steve] However, I am delighted to note that NotLouis's eclectic seating collection has returned to the show. She's singing Sweet Child O' Mine and she too is scrunching her nose up. On first listen, I liked this; on repeat viewing, it's really not that good in the verses, though she's decent in the chorus and when she gets to move into the upper register.
Louis says Lucie is versatile, consistent and professional, and owed an apology from Simon. Cheryl started to think that jazz was Lucie's direction last week, but now she thinks Lucie could be like Avril Lavigne. Simon says that Lucie was boring last week, which was frustrating to him, because she was too old-fashioned and not relevant. Simon, it was FUCKING BIG BAND WEEK. You remember, the one where you normally make people sing that hip, contemporary number Mack The Knife. Dannii was taken aback by the rockiness is Lucie's voice, and is proud and happy.
Time for the first old person - Danyl. Last week he was in the bottom two even though he and Simon both thought he was amazing. He was very upset; Simon was shocked. Danyl weeps about letting everyone down, and the nasty press that he's got - "Someone posted on Twitter that I was more hated than Hitler." He is wondering whether it's all worth it. NotLouis has told him to stop being such a whiny little bitch. Cheryl says that he's not connected with the audience, and Louis says Simon's attempts to force the audience to like him have failed so far.
Danyl begins singing I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, and has totally failed to pick up the notes he should be singing from the string-laden backing track. It's embarrassing. When it gets all loud and overblown, he realises what he should be singing. He's standing behind the mic, hands in pockets, and he looks like a sulky child who's had his wrists slapped for stealing sweets. It's dull, over-earnest and a too-obvious attempt to show a more "human" Danyl. Oh, and there's a key change.
Dannii tells him not to be a whiny little bitch and that wasn't his natural performance. Louis claims that The X Factor is a talent show. It SO isn't. He then quotes lines from That's Life to tell him not to be a whiny little bitch. Cheryl says it was uncomfortable to watch Danyl, because he's being a whiny little bitch. Simon says that when Danyl is confident, people think he's cocky, and when he's not, people complain. He adds that negative media is horrible but if you're in the spotlight, you have to suck it up and not be a whiny little bitch. Danyl whines some more, and Dermot sympathises with being compared to Hitler. [On TWITTER. A little perspective here, please. - Steve]
Last week, Lloyd did a backflip, and was excited to have 35 musicians playing for him. Louis wants to do a boyband with Lloyd; "I was a bit offended by that, like," says Lloyd. He thinks it is mad the amount of attention he's got. Yes. Cheryl says this week Lloyd has a young, cool song to sing, but it is for a girl, not a boy. And I think we've been here before.
Oh. Dear. Me. Lloyd Kissed A Girl, and he liked it [and he hoped her boyfriend didn't mind it. Missed opportunity for some mad gender-bending lyrics, there - Rad]. He's on a throne, being spun round by two besuited men in top hats. NotLouis is on FIRE. Not literally on fire. Though I wouldn't put that past him at some point. Lloyd is really very poor vocally. Dannii diplomatically says that Lloyd was drowned out by the backing vocals. Louis says that being in a boyband is a COMPLIMENT. Except not. Then he carps on about Katy Perry being pop, not rock. Simon mocks Louis's jobsworthness, and then declares that performance was a million times better than last week. Simon says that if Louis were in charge, Lloyd would sing My Way every week, and Louis cites Robson and Jerome as evidence that Simon is a big misery with no contemporary sense. They continue to bicker until Cheryl shouts at the pair of them. Then Dermot decides to get in on the act and tell Louis to shut up.
Stacey was nervous before she sang last week, and Simon told her to learn performance skills. Dannii thinks Simon is a fool. Stacey isn't comfortable on stage and doesn't know what she's doing, she confesses. And so the way round that is to go to NotLouis for a masterclass in performance.
She is draped across various packing boxes (which aren't strictly seats, but are close enough) and singing Somewhere Only We Know. Which isn't really rock. But there we go. It's fine, for a really quite boring song, and her high notes are beautiful. Louis says he liked everything apart from the song choice. Cheryl loves the song choice, and Simon thinks Stacey's walking was an X Factor miracle. Dannii loved it, obviously, and demands that we all vote for Stacey. Dermot talks to Stacey about her outfit - "I breathed! And I walked!"
Jamie Afro was disappointed with last week - apparently he doesn't like doing things averagely. Wow, life must be one HUGE disappointment for him, then. Simon is sure that this week is a great one for Jamie. Jamie is worried about the Pressure Of Expectation. Personally I'm not expecting that much. Neither is Louis. I am fearful when Louis and I agree. Jamie wails that it is "almost too much to bear". Oh, shut up, you whiny little bitch. Why has Simon got SO MANY WHINY LITTLE BITCHES in his category?
Ah. Jamie is singing Rocks Off. Complete with pole dancers and dreadful diction. [And, weirdly, he is allowed to sing the "bitches keep a-bitching" line, which makes me laugh. Sadly no "clap just keeps a-itchin" though - Rad] ["Bitches keep on bitching" was clearly an official endorsement of this blog from the show, and I refuse to believe otherwise. - Steve] Simon is singing along. Jamie is clicking his fingers. It's all a bit blah and just the same kind of stuff that Jamie always does. Dannii says that if Simon really wants artists to be contemporary, he'd have picked a contemporary song for Jamie. Louis says Jamie is unoriginal and like a Lenny Kravitz impersonator, and then says, in one of the most bizarre sentences EVER on The X Factor, "In the words of Kerrang! and NME, you're not a real rocker." Cheryl thinks it is weird that the show's first rock week has come in a series when Simon has a rock singer in his category [Ha! I loved that. I've not been a big fan of Cheryl's lately, but she's well on course to winning me back at this rate. - Steve], but she thought it was comfortable. Simon asks her if she is accusing him of picking the week "deliberately" - "NOT AT ALL," she deadpans - and then says that Louis has never been in a pub, only wine bars. Simon thought Jamie was authentic; Louis disagrees; and then they're back in their stupid fighting groove. [Note that Simon is all "it's rock week, what was he supposed to sing?", having apparently missed the enormous contradiction that brings relating to his comments to Lucie last week. - Steve]
Dermot lies that we are loving rock night, and then Dannii introduces Rachel. She was scared last week, when she pretended she was Stacey in order to fake a personality. Dannii is excited about this week, when Rachel is going to sing a U2 ballad beautifully. Oh, she's going to sing One, isn't she? Yes, yes, she is. It's fine. Just I don't like the song. Still, Louis thinks she made it her own and it was the most emotional performance of the entire night. Cheryl talks about Mary J Blige a bit. Simon says that he liked the last third of the song but Dannii is trying to turn Rachel into her, with the hair and the dress. "She tried to get the hair like yours but there wasn't enough hairspray!" snorts Dannii, and then everyone laughs at Simon, including Simon, to be fair. Dannii thought it was an amazing performance, of course.
And now. John and Edward. There is booing already. Cheryl called them a guilty pleasure last week, when they banged. They thought last week was their best performance. "Best" is such a relative term, isn't it? The twins have realised that they will never please Simon. Louis is gleeful because the public love them so much and the media attention is scaring Simon. The twin on the right says, "I think rock week is John and Edward's week," and that's really weird because it's like he's talking about different entities, but he's obviously using it as a group name rather than their own names, and...oh, holy hell. They've just lifted the instrumental version of We Will Rock You from 5ive's single (complete with J yelling HAHA!) and are FUCKING DREADFUL. I miss 5ive. Oh, noooooooooooo, and then they miss out the bit that says, "AND IT DON'T STOP" (after "as long as 5ive bring the funk Queen bring the rock"), meaning they start the next verse too early and it's a hot mess.
Dannii says it was scary and they needed a satnav to find their way back to where they were supposed to be. Cheryl seems to be a little at a loss, but tries to be positive. Simon thought it was like the night of the living dead and possibly destroyed Queen's career forever. Not so much. Louis loved it, obviously. Dermot tries to say John and Edward do really well with the routines. Louis thanks NotLouis for all his hard work. Then Dermot gives out the number and says, really oddly, "Don't worry if you don't have the number, it's on Simon's speed dial." But - we haven't all got Simon's phone, have we? So if we wanted to vote for them, that would be no help?
Dermot lies that it is sad that the night is nearly over, and indeed Simon picks him up on it. Now it is time for Olly, who apparently knows what sort of artist he should be now. He is singing a song by those new, contemporary artists the Beatles. Louis and Dannii fear that he will come unstuck. Olly doesn't want to lose his personality, but would like to be more edgy, and he hopes everyone at home will like that.
Hmm, he is singing Come Together and there are girls writhing around on a perspex tables. It's serviceable, but it's not a very difficult song. And fucking fuck, he rips his shirt open at the end. Why? WHY? Dannii liked it. Louis thinks he is a dark horse, and is always getting better. He predicts that Olly will be in the final three. Is there anyone Louis DOESN'T think will be in the final three? Cheryl talks about Olly rehearsing ripping his shirt open, and there is something SO wrong about having to practise presumably rock'n'roll moves like that. [He NEEDS to stop dancing. He terrifies me - Rad]
And that is IT. Dermot invites us to vote, but frankly I couldn't care less. Join Rad tomorrow for the results!
Tx: 31st October, 2009
Right, children, there's a hell of a lot of rubbish to watch tonight, so let's begin, shall we? The voiceover man recaps last week for us - big band, competition, backflips, sparkles, actress, bitching, cheating, twins. All you really need to know is that Danyl and Miss Frank were the bottom two, and the girls left.
This week! Mad teenage girls have gone to Golders Green to stalk the twins in the X Factor house. Tonight! Our remaining acts will "sing" "ROCK" "songs"! The judges, by the way, are all proud of their acts, and think they could win. Dermot stomps out on to the stage doing the devil-horn fingers thing, and welcomes us to our "X-Fictor weekend" which apparently starts here. He warns us that we should be scared. I already am.
Here are the judges. I really have no idea what Cheryl is wearing. It looks like she has two dinner plates over each breast. Dannii is sitting on the end tonight, so the panel looks like a dinner party of exemplary etiquette with its girl-boy seating pattern.
First up tonight is Joe, who doesn't know how Simon expects him to have had Latin flair last week with Sway because he is FROM SOUTH SHIELDS. He is worried by the media attention and also by rock week. Louis and Simon don't think Joe will be able to sing rock. Cheryl is all bolshy and promises that he will. Joe is realistic about the possibility that he might totally cock up.
He's singing Don't Stop Believing, and weirdly, it does kind of work. He does have a lovely voice. He tries to work the crowd a bit and keeps scrunching his nose in an attempted sneer. Then two dancers wander on and begin to do an interpretative routine. Please take this as a warning - I've looked ahead and NotLouis is on fine crack-addled form this week.
Dannii says his voice is exceptional, and he is a star. She loved seeing him work the crowd because he looked comfortable and they love him. Louis was won over - "the little boy has become a man." Ew. Simon says that Joe is consistent; "a little bit limp and stage-schooly" (this from the man who championed Ray Quinn), and then mocks the dancers, which is fair enough. Joe tries to pretend he's not laughing. Cheryl snaps that Simon doesn't appreciate contemporary dance. [I love her a little bit for saying that with an entirely straight face. - Steve] She begins giving her comments, and then Simon interrupts to tell her to sit up. She is all wide-eyed and outraged, and then hoicks her boobs up. Dermot reckons the panel was "a literal love-in". Literally not, Dermy.
Next is Lucie, who was accused of singing like an actress last week, and is still upset. She thought she performed really well last week, and then we are reminded of Simon's comment which we saw TEN SECONDS AGO. Simon VTs that he didn't kill a puppy. Lucie says she doesn't sing rock, but Dannii is sure a rock chick is inside her. Insert joke here. Lucie is adamant that Simon will change his mind about her, and he points out that it's the public she needs to think about impressing.
She's lying on a sofa with headphones. Why does she have headphones, please? [For a minute I thought she was on the phone, and wondered if she was voting for Jedward. - Steve] However, I am delighted to note that NotLouis's eclectic seating collection has returned to the show. She's singing Sweet Child O' Mine and she too is scrunching her nose up. On first listen, I liked this; on repeat viewing, it's really not that good in the verses, though she's decent in the chorus and when she gets to move into the upper register.
Louis says Lucie is versatile, consistent and professional, and owed an apology from Simon. Cheryl started to think that jazz was Lucie's direction last week, but now she thinks Lucie could be like Avril Lavigne. Simon says that Lucie was boring last week, which was frustrating to him, because she was too old-fashioned and not relevant. Simon, it was FUCKING BIG BAND WEEK. You remember, the one where you normally make people sing that hip, contemporary number Mack The Knife. Dannii was taken aback by the rockiness is Lucie's voice, and is proud and happy.
Time for the first old person - Danyl. Last week he was in the bottom two even though he and Simon both thought he was amazing. He was very upset; Simon was shocked. Danyl weeps about letting everyone down, and the nasty press that he's got - "Someone posted on Twitter that I was more hated than Hitler." He is wondering whether it's all worth it. NotLouis has told him to stop being such a whiny little bitch. Cheryl says that he's not connected with the audience, and Louis says Simon's attempts to force the audience to like him have failed so far.
Danyl begins singing I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, and has totally failed to pick up the notes he should be singing from the string-laden backing track. It's embarrassing. When it gets all loud and overblown, he realises what he should be singing. He's standing behind the mic, hands in pockets, and he looks like a sulky child who's had his wrists slapped for stealing sweets. It's dull, over-earnest and a too-obvious attempt to show a more "human" Danyl. Oh, and there's a key change.
Dannii tells him not to be a whiny little bitch and that wasn't his natural performance. Louis claims that The X Factor is a talent show. It SO isn't. He then quotes lines from That's Life to tell him not to be a whiny little bitch. Cheryl says it was uncomfortable to watch Danyl, because he's being a whiny little bitch. Simon says that when Danyl is confident, people think he's cocky, and when he's not, people complain. He adds that negative media is horrible but if you're in the spotlight, you have to suck it up and not be a whiny little bitch. Danyl whines some more, and Dermot sympathises with being compared to Hitler. [On TWITTER. A little perspective here, please. - Steve]
Last week, Lloyd did a backflip, and was excited to have 35 musicians playing for him. Louis wants to do a boyband with Lloyd; "I was a bit offended by that, like," says Lloyd. He thinks it is mad the amount of attention he's got. Yes. Cheryl says this week Lloyd has a young, cool song to sing, but it is for a girl, not a boy. And I think we've been here before.
Oh. Dear. Me. Lloyd Kissed A Girl, and he liked it [and he hoped her boyfriend didn't mind it. Missed opportunity for some mad gender-bending lyrics, there - Rad]. He's on a throne, being spun round by two besuited men in top hats. NotLouis is on FIRE. Not literally on fire. Though I wouldn't put that past him at some point. Lloyd is really very poor vocally. Dannii diplomatically says that Lloyd was drowned out by the backing vocals. Louis says that being in a boyband is a COMPLIMENT. Except not. Then he carps on about Katy Perry being pop, not rock. Simon mocks Louis's jobsworthness, and then declares that performance was a million times better than last week. Simon says that if Louis were in charge, Lloyd would sing My Way every week, and Louis cites Robson and Jerome as evidence that Simon is a big misery with no contemporary sense. They continue to bicker until Cheryl shouts at the pair of them. Then Dermot decides to get in on the act and tell Louis to shut up.
Stacey was nervous before she sang last week, and Simon told her to learn performance skills. Dannii thinks Simon is a fool. Stacey isn't comfortable on stage and doesn't know what she's doing, she confesses. And so the way round that is to go to NotLouis for a masterclass in performance.
She is draped across various packing boxes (which aren't strictly seats, but are close enough) and singing Somewhere Only We Know. Which isn't really rock. But there we go. It's fine, for a really quite boring song, and her high notes are beautiful. Louis says he liked everything apart from the song choice. Cheryl loves the song choice, and Simon thinks Stacey's walking was an X Factor miracle. Dannii loved it, obviously, and demands that we all vote for Stacey. Dermot talks to Stacey about her outfit - "I breathed! And I walked!"
Jamie Afro was disappointed with last week - apparently he doesn't like doing things averagely. Wow, life must be one HUGE disappointment for him, then. Simon is sure that this week is a great one for Jamie. Jamie is worried about the Pressure Of Expectation. Personally I'm not expecting that much. Neither is Louis. I am fearful when Louis and I agree. Jamie wails that it is "almost too much to bear". Oh, shut up, you whiny little bitch. Why has Simon got SO MANY WHINY LITTLE BITCHES in his category?
Ah. Jamie is singing Rocks Off. Complete with pole dancers and dreadful diction. [And, weirdly, he is allowed to sing the "bitches keep a-bitching" line, which makes me laugh. Sadly no "clap just keeps a-itchin" though - Rad] ["Bitches keep on bitching" was clearly an official endorsement of this blog from the show, and I refuse to believe otherwise. - Steve] Simon is singing along. Jamie is clicking his fingers. It's all a bit blah and just the same kind of stuff that Jamie always does. Dannii says that if Simon really wants artists to be contemporary, he'd have picked a contemporary song for Jamie. Louis says Jamie is unoriginal and like a Lenny Kravitz impersonator, and then says, in one of the most bizarre sentences EVER on The X Factor, "In the words of Kerrang! and NME, you're not a real rocker." Cheryl thinks it is weird that the show's first rock week has come in a series when Simon has a rock singer in his category [Ha! I loved that. I've not been a big fan of Cheryl's lately, but she's well on course to winning me back at this rate. - Steve], but she thought it was comfortable. Simon asks her if she is accusing him of picking the week "deliberately" - "NOT AT ALL," she deadpans - and then says that Louis has never been in a pub, only wine bars. Simon thought Jamie was authentic; Louis disagrees; and then they're back in their stupid fighting groove. [Note that Simon is all "it's rock week, what was he supposed to sing?", having apparently missed the enormous contradiction that brings relating to his comments to Lucie last week. - Steve]
Dermot lies that we are loving rock night, and then Dannii introduces Rachel. She was scared last week, when she pretended she was Stacey in order to fake a personality. Dannii is excited about this week, when Rachel is going to sing a U2 ballad beautifully. Oh, she's going to sing One, isn't she? Yes, yes, she is. It's fine. Just I don't like the song. Still, Louis thinks she made it her own and it was the most emotional performance of the entire night. Cheryl talks about Mary J Blige a bit. Simon says that he liked the last third of the song but Dannii is trying to turn Rachel into her, with the hair and the dress. "She tried to get the hair like yours but there wasn't enough hairspray!" snorts Dannii, and then everyone laughs at Simon, including Simon, to be fair. Dannii thought it was an amazing performance, of course.
And now. John and Edward. There is booing already. Cheryl called them a guilty pleasure last week, when they banged. They thought last week was their best performance. "Best" is such a relative term, isn't it? The twins have realised that they will never please Simon. Louis is gleeful because the public love them so much and the media attention is scaring Simon. The twin on the right says, "I think rock week is John and Edward's week," and that's really weird because it's like he's talking about different entities, but he's obviously using it as a group name rather than their own names, and...oh, holy hell. They've just lifted the instrumental version of We Will Rock You from 5ive's single (complete with J yelling HAHA!) and are FUCKING DREADFUL. I miss 5ive. Oh, noooooooooooo, and then they miss out the bit that says, "AND IT DON'T STOP" (after "as long as 5ive bring the funk Queen bring the rock"), meaning they start the next verse too early and it's a hot mess.
Dannii says it was scary and they needed a satnav to find their way back to where they were supposed to be. Cheryl seems to be a little at a loss, but tries to be positive. Simon thought it was like the night of the living dead and possibly destroyed Queen's career forever. Not so much. Louis loved it, obviously. Dermot tries to say John and Edward do really well with the routines. Louis thanks NotLouis for all his hard work. Then Dermot gives out the number and says, really oddly, "Don't worry if you don't have the number, it's on Simon's speed dial." But - we haven't all got Simon's phone, have we? So if we wanted to vote for them, that would be no help?
Dermot lies that it is sad that the night is nearly over, and indeed Simon picks him up on it. Now it is time for Olly, who apparently knows what sort of artist he should be now. He is singing a song by those new, contemporary artists the Beatles. Louis and Dannii fear that he will come unstuck. Olly doesn't want to lose his personality, but would like to be more edgy, and he hopes everyone at home will like that.
Hmm, he is singing Come Together and there are girls writhing around on a perspex tables. It's serviceable, but it's not a very difficult song. And fucking fuck, he rips his shirt open at the end. Why? WHY? Dannii liked it. Louis thinks he is a dark horse, and is always getting better. He predicts that Olly will be in the final three. Is there anyone Louis DOESN'T think will be in the final three? Cheryl talks about Olly rehearsing ripping his shirt open, and there is something SO wrong about having to practise presumably rock'n'roll moves like that. [He NEEDS to stop dancing. He terrifies me - Rad]
And that is IT. Dermot invites us to vote, but frankly I couldn't care less. Join Rad tomorrow for the results!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Frankly my dears...
Yesterday! There was "big band" nonsense and a lot of bitching! Tonight, another one of these losers will be going home. Yes folks, it's TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC.
Dermot welcomes us by doing some of his 'trademark' silly dancing, and whilst this may have come across vaguely sweetly on BBLB many, many years ago, now he just feels like the ITV Brucie. Or Rather Tess.
Dermot tells us that Sunday night's got explosive: cue pyrotechnics. Interesting point here - my brother knows someone who works in pyrotechnics. Since that curtain of fireworks thingy they did on this show last year, all anyone who has ordered pyrotechnics has wanted is that curtain of fireworks thingy 'like on The X Factor'. Such is the scary power of this show. [I'd take a million curtains of fireworks over Cheryl's bobbins single being number one. - Steve]
He tells us to welcome the biggest selling UK band of the decade, then quickly blurts out that it's Westlife before we get shocked by the sight of Coldplay or something. I'm not sure if his comment means in terms of UK record sales, or includes worldwide. I'm assuming the former, but who knows, the world is a scary place in THESE TROUBLED TIMES, after all.
We welcome back our judges: Louis looks chirpy and kind of young with his 'new look' and his hair tousled and slightly trendy shirt undone. Dannii has a croissant on her head. Cheryl is wearing a silver robot-meets 80s-power-suit outfit. Simon is Simon.
The joy of the group song is next, and they're doing Alphabeat's Fascination. Again, they've pre-recorded the vocals to avoid week-one style car crashes with the vocals. However, it's been so over-processed in studio the only place you could make out who was singing if you weren't looking was John and Edward doing the speaky 'the word is on your lips' bit. They're all dressed in black and white, and mostly look fine, though Stacey wears a dress that's way too big for her. This is one of the most bouncy songs I know, yet there is no energy in vocals whatsoever - they're supposed to sound excited, but they sound bored. The dancing is energetic, though, and there are some pyrotechnics, so at least my brother's friend will be kept in work for the foreseeable.
Then we have a very long recap of yesterday, and if you want one of those you can merely look a bit further down the page. Although! Simon believes Danyl "won the night". Hahahahahahaha is all I'm saying. He also believes Louis was being a pissy little shit for telling Jamie off for doing U2 despite the fact he'd have done THE EXACT SAME THING if it were the other way round. Oh, and we get to revisit the HORROR of those inflatable thingies John and Edward have on stage with them. Yeah, thanks for that, NotLouis.
Anyway, it's Westlife, and for once ITVPlayer's fast-forward button works. I'm assuming they didn't say anything of note. [They just covered a DAUGHTRY song, and no, I don't know what any of us did to deserve that. - Steve]
We come back and big up Alexandra being number 1 in the albums chart and Cheryl being number 1 in the singles chart. Dermot accuses Louis of being a grumpy old man last night, which, compared to Simon: notsomuch. Oh, and lucky us! It's time for Mickey Bubbles! I catch the end and he does a dramatic bit with his head being thrown down and I thus now blame him for Danyl as much as I blame him for Leon Jackson. [Mickey Bubbles has a nice voice. I don't understand why he kept wandering away from the mic, though. - Carrie] Sorry for not watching our SPECIAL GUESTS tonight, but a) I have bronchitis and don't have the energy, and b) It's Westlife and Mickey Bubbles. So, you know, who cares?
Unlike our previous special guests, he has been reading his notes on The Party Line and was impressed with 'everybody'. Dermot pushes him to single someone out and he chooses Rachel.
Ads, and the tedious business of getting everyone up on the stage.
Anyway, safe are: Stacey, Olly, Rachel (who screams like crazy and causes Simon to pull an 'uh-oh' face as well he might), Joe, Lucie (making Dannii BEST MENTOR EVER and pissing Simon who wants a male winner RIGHT off), John and Edward, Jamie and... Lloyd.
This means poor old Miss Frank are in the bottom two against Simon's chosen one, so we all know it's a foregone conclusion, but HA! Maybe Simon needs to back a different horse after all. Or, you know, choose some different songs like he's always telling everyone else to do. We are ALL pig sick of 'Feelin' Good' and 'And I Am Telling You'.
Ads: What the hell is this Coronation Street: Romanian Holiday DVD thing, and who would buy it?
Louis, knowing he's doomed, introduces Miss Frank as three girls singing their hearts out to stay in the competition. Now, they could do the best performance ever, and Danyl could simply burp into a mic and we'd still all know who'd be leaving. They're singing 'Love Don't Live Here Anymore'. My TLC dream is dead. It sounds perfectly fine (although it's a boring song) but they look pretty uncomfortable up there. As they get into it they look more confident but sound a bit more screechy. Not that any of this matters.
Louis stands up to applaud them, knowing full well he got shafted again by having the groups category.
Simon says he wasn't expecting to say this, but 'welcome back Danyl'. And he's not very welcome, but seeing him in the sing-off is still tantalising. He's singing 'With a Little Help From My Friends' and it's as DRAMATIC! and SHOUTY! and OVERBLOWN! as we'd all expect, and he does a horrible bit where he sinks to his knees them smiles at his own brilliance. Then he nearly puts the 'you and you and you, you're gonna love me' bit from 'And I Am Telling You' into it as if he hadn't over-egged this pudding enough. Then he does all the whooping and wailing and punching and other gimmicks we have become accustomed to, and it's just horrible.
Louis can't believe these two acts are in the bottom and thinks it's 'unfair', which is one thing it isn't. He sends home Danyl, of course. Simon says he has never, ever been so surprised in his life and he's never ever heard anyone go out on such a high if it's Danyl's last performance, and he thinks it's a joke Danyl's in the bottom two. Simon still hasn't quite got the hang of this 'public mood' thing, has he? Anyway, he saves Danyl. Dannii does, too, wary of being the wicked witch again. Cheryl is 'confused' by the public's decision so sends Danyl home to go to deadlock. [I loved that total logic bypass Cheryl experienced right there. "I think the public made the wrong decision, therefore I am going to deliberately not use the power that I have been given to overrule just such an occurrence and hand that power back to the public. Whose decision making I just said I didn't agree with." Um, okay then. - Steve] If Danyl went out, this would be the most awesome moment EVER, but, the act leaving us are... Miss Frank. As we suspected.
Miss Frank's best bits: a mishmash of being awesome and never quite living up to that awesome.
Dermot says, 'Whoever was going home tonight would have been a bit of a shock.' Well, I'm guessing not if it was Olly, Rachel or Lloyd, but hey. Louis says he hopes they stay together as a group. Dermot asks if they will. They say they are going to have their own factor, which makes no sense.
Still, 'Louis's most successful X Factor Group' (apart from G4 in the series that never happened), JLS, are here next week, along with Bon Jovi, of all the random guests. Join us then!
Dermot welcomes us by doing some of his 'trademark' silly dancing, and whilst this may have come across vaguely sweetly on BBLB many, many years ago, now he just feels like the ITV Brucie. Or Rather Tess.
Dermot tells us that Sunday night's got explosive: cue pyrotechnics. Interesting point here - my brother knows someone who works in pyrotechnics. Since that curtain of fireworks thingy they did on this show last year, all anyone who has ordered pyrotechnics has wanted is that curtain of fireworks thingy 'like on The X Factor'. Such is the scary power of this show. [I'd take a million curtains of fireworks over Cheryl's bobbins single being number one. - Steve]
He tells us to welcome the biggest selling UK band of the decade, then quickly blurts out that it's Westlife before we get shocked by the sight of Coldplay or something. I'm not sure if his comment means in terms of UK record sales, or includes worldwide. I'm assuming the former, but who knows, the world is a scary place in THESE TROUBLED TIMES, after all.
We welcome back our judges: Louis looks chirpy and kind of young with his 'new look' and his hair tousled and slightly trendy shirt undone. Dannii has a croissant on her head. Cheryl is wearing a silver robot-meets 80s-power-suit outfit. Simon is Simon.
The joy of the group song is next, and they're doing Alphabeat's Fascination. Again, they've pre-recorded the vocals to avoid week-one style car crashes with the vocals. However, it's been so over-processed in studio the only place you could make out who was singing if you weren't looking was John and Edward doing the speaky 'the word is on your lips' bit. They're all dressed in black and white, and mostly look fine, though Stacey wears a dress that's way too big for her. This is one of the most bouncy songs I know, yet there is no energy in vocals whatsoever - they're supposed to sound excited, but they sound bored. The dancing is energetic, though, and there are some pyrotechnics, so at least my brother's friend will be kept in work for the foreseeable.
Then we have a very long recap of yesterday, and if you want one of those you can merely look a bit further down the page. Although! Simon believes Danyl "won the night". Hahahahahahaha is all I'm saying. He also believes Louis was being a pissy little shit for telling Jamie off for doing U2 despite the fact he'd have done THE EXACT SAME THING if it were the other way round. Oh, and we get to revisit the HORROR of those inflatable thingies John and Edward have on stage with them. Yeah, thanks for that, NotLouis.
Anyway, it's Westlife, and for once ITVPlayer's fast-forward button works. I'm assuming they didn't say anything of note. [They just covered a DAUGHTRY song, and no, I don't know what any of us did to deserve that. - Steve]
We come back and big up Alexandra being number 1 in the albums chart and Cheryl being number 1 in the singles chart. Dermot accuses Louis of being a grumpy old man last night, which, compared to Simon: notsomuch. Oh, and lucky us! It's time for Mickey Bubbles! I catch the end and he does a dramatic bit with his head being thrown down and I thus now blame him for Danyl as much as I blame him for Leon Jackson. [Mickey Bubbles has a nice voice. I don't understand why he kept wandering away from the mic, though. - Carrie] Sorry for not watching our SPECIAL GUESTS tonight, but a) I have bronchitis and don't have the energy, and b) It's Westlife and Mickey Bubbles. So, you know, who cares?
Unlike our previous special guests, he has been reading his notes on The Party Line and was impressed with 'everybody'. Dermot pushes him to single someone out and he chooses Rachel.
Ads, and the tedious business of getting everyone up on the stage.
Anyway, safe are: Stacey, Olly, Rachel (who screams like crazy and causes Simon to pull an 'uh-oh' face as well he might), Joe, Lucie (making Dannii BEST MENTOR EVER and pissing Simon who wants a male winner RIGHT off), John and Edward, Jamie and... Lloyd.
This means poor old Miss Frank are in the bottom two against Simon's chosen one, so we all know it's a foregone conclusion, but HA! Maybe Simon needs to back a different horse after all. Or, you know, choose some different songs like he's always telling everyone else to do. We are ALL pig sick of 'Feelin' Good' and 'And I Am Telling You'.
Ads: What the hell is this Coronation Street: Romanian Holiday DVD thing, and who would buy it?
Louis, knowing he's doomed, introduces Miss Frank as three girls singing their hearts out to stay in the competition. Now, they could do the best performance ever, and Danyl could simply burp into a mic and we'd still all know who'd be leaving. They're singing 'Love Don't Live Here Anymore'. My TLC dream is dead. It sounds perfectly fine (although it's a boring song) but they look pretty uncomfortable up there. As they get into it they look more confident but sound a bit more screechy. Not that any of this matters.
Louis stands up to applaud them, knowing full well he got shafted again by having the groups category.
Simon says he wasn't expecting to say this, but 'welcome back Danyl'. And he's not very welcome, but seeing him in the sing-off is still tantalising. He's singing 'With a Little Help From My Friends' and it's as DRAMATIC! and SHOUTY! and OVERBLOWN! as we'd all expect, and he does a horrible bit where he sinks to his knees them smiles at his own brilliance. Then he nearly puts the 'you and you and you, you're gonna love me' bit from 'And I Am Telling You' into it as if he hadn't over-egged this pudding enough. Then he does all the whooping and wailing and punching and other gimmicks we have become accustomed to, and it's just horrible.
Louis can't believe these two acts are in the bottom and thinks it's 'unfair', which is one thing it isn't. He sends home Danyl, of course. Simon says he has never, ever been so surprised in his life and he's never ever heard anyone go out on such a high if it's Danyl's last performance, and he thinks it's a joke Danyl's in the bottom two. Simon still hasn't quite got the hang of this 'public mood' thing, has he? Anyway, he saves Danyl. Dannii does, too, wary of being the wicked witch again. Cheryl is 'confused' by the public's decision so sends Danyl home to go to deadlock. [I loved that total logic bypass Cheryl experienced right there. "I think the public made the wrong decision, therefore I am going to deliberately not use the power that I have been given to overrule just such an occurrence and hand that power back to the public. Whose decision making I just said I didn't agree with." Um, okay then. - Steve] If Danyl went out, this would be the most awesome moment EVER, but, the act leaving us are... Miss Frank. As we suspected.
Miss Frank's best bits: a mishmash of being awesome and never quite living up to that awesome.
Dermot says, 'Whoever was going home tonight would have been a bit of a shock.' Well, I'm guessing not if it was Olly, Rachel or Lloyd, but hey. Louis says he hopes they stay together as a group. Dermot asks if they will. They say they are going to have their own factor, which makes no sense.
Still, 'Louis's most successful X Factor Group' (apart from G4 in the series that never happened), JLS, are here next week, along with Bon Jovi, of all the random guests. Join us then!
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