Nice guys finish last

Audition Show 3 - 1st September 2007

Clearly I have displeased someone very important. Joel's pleading technical difficulties, Steve has a Very Important Job (or, y'know, geekfests to go to) (yeah, sorry about that. I was too busy dancing in a basement in King's Cross and then stalking Adrian Pasdar. I'll make sure you're suitably rewarded, don't worry.-Steve) (Forgive me! Computer death. And it's also taken me about 20 minutes to log in to blogger. Maybe the universe doesn't want me watching X Factor anymore.-Joel) (Yeah, you wish. - Carrie) and I'm left with the job of recapping, and not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips.

Scary deep-voiced male voiceover declares: "It's the most talked about show on television!" Montage of screaming, cheering, swearing and very little singing.

"Who will rise?" Snigger. "Who will fall?" Oh holy fuck, someone is going to sing Puff the Magic Dragon. "It's time to face the music!" If only this show was anything to do with music, then I might be able to understand it more.

Cue credits.

Lulu's playing in the background (not Louis Walsh, obviously, it's Shout). Dermot's in the same light-blue shirt he wore last week, but apparently now he's in Glasgow. You can tell because there are bagpipers. We're reminded that the rules have been changed this year, with two groups of young people, one group of old people, and one group for groups.

Speaking of rule changes, we're also reminded that we have four judges, who are soaking up the atmosphere in what I assume is the town centre. Simon is doing this by sitting on what looks like a throne and looking physically pained at the sound of bagpipes. He dons a Bay City Rollers scarf, and apologises for the McDonald Brothers. Not to them - for them. "I want to formally apologise for the McDonald Brothers representing you last year," he quips, and is booed for his trouble. Dannii is smirking. Don't tell me she watched this shite last year.

Colin is 43, and is a gas services engineer, I think. I'm not too hot on the Scottish accent. He has put money on himself to win the competition. (Only £1, though. I think he really ought to have wagered more than that if he wanted people to be impressed by his confidence.-Steve) Louis is heading up the panel today and asking all the tricky questions, like "Are you good enough to win the competition?" Colin takes his shoes off, ready to "sing and perform". He does this by destroying the Sweet's Blockbuster in fearsome style. Naturally, Louis begins laughing. Everyone votes no. Colin tries to leave the room, but chooses the wrong door. Simon looks like he might cry. (Just to let you know, "other door" is something that they lifted from the most recent season of American Idol. It was funnier the first time; less so now.-Steve)

Michael describes himself in one word as "good". He's blinged up and sings a tuneless The Wonder Of You. He also tries to leave the room through the wrong door. The next one is a Wham! wannabe, complete with white tailored jacket, vamping up The Edge of Heaven, and Dannii, with glacier-like poise, tells him: "I found everything about that audition very annoying." He looks heartbroken. And also tries to leave the room through the wrong door.

A montage of rejections. And people leaving the room through the wrong door.

Alan's dream is to have his "name up in headlights." Or he may have said "headlines", but "headlights" is funnier. (He definitely said 'headlights', the loon.-Steve) "Frank Sinatra, Elvis, me." Louis' jaw drops, in entirely unrehearsed fashion. Alan's choice of repertoire is somewhat peculiar for someone who wants to emulate the greats and emit star quality - That's My Goal. It's a no. And an attempted exit through the wrong door.

Melancholy piano music introduces Dermot's chat with 18-year-old shop assistant Leon, who wants to make his single-parent mum proud. That won't cut it on this show, Leon! Yes, of course you love your mum and she's done a magnificent job with you, you seem a lovely lad with an interestingly fashionable haircut, but this series of the X-Factor wants hideous sob stories of tragic lives. (He had horrible heroin chic red eyes, surely he could have been like 'my me, WHO IS A HEROIN ADDICT'.-Joel)(Seriously. My mum WHO IS SINGLE? That's a pathetic attempt to gain sympathy. Even the Plinky Piano of World-Weariness was wondering why it had suddenly been cued.-Steve) He sings Home by Michael Buble, which Louis welcomes with the words, "Great! We love that song." Can't say I'd ever heard it before, Louis, but whatevs. Leon is cute, he has a nice quality to his voice, but his pitching is iffy. (And his phrasing was poor too.-Steve) The judges rhapsodise, and the original Buble track plays in the background, approaching a key change, so you know it's going to be four yeses. Indeed it is, and Leon bursts into tears. Sharon asks him who he came to the audition with, and fusses over him when he replies he's by himself. He leaves the room (through the right door), but there's no Dermot hug waiting for him. Travesty. Instead, he rings his mum on the speakerphone to break the news, and she screams very loudly, possibly at the horror that is going to befall her son as he sells his soul to the devil throughout this audition process and the live shows, should he progress.

Still to come - lots of crying. Marvellous.

Welcome back, and we're on the road to Cardiff. Weren't we here last week? Sharon's late, so Dannii, Louis and Simon begin the auditions by themselves. Primary-school teacher Beverley is from Luton, so why she's auditioning in Cardiff is beyond me. And as we've already seen cheering kiddies in the montages, I'm guessing she'll go through. She seems like a nice lady, who sometimes sings the register with her pupils. Simon patronises her with a "Good for you" when she tells him what she does for a living. She churns out a decentish R-E-S-P-E-C-T, which would wow any karaoke night, but I can't help comparing her to (the also Luton-dwelling) Brenda. Dannii loves her; Louis thinks she's a backing singer; Simon says: "The one in the middle doesn't have a clue what he's talking about." With Simon proclaiming her to be the best audition this season, she gets three yeses in the end, and she's through. Shocker. Bring on the screaming kiddies! (If that was the best audition this season, we're in serious trouble. I liked Beverley and wanted her to get through, but she was far too yelly for my tastes.-Steve)(Stop shouting, Beverley.-Joel)

Sharon finally turns up, and there's a montage of people being put through and clapping themselves and leaping about. 14-year-old Matthew sings Nessun Dorma. Bloody hell. He's really good - a gorgeous tenor voice that deserves better than this programme. (He was so sweet. Little sparkly opera gay.-Joel) An Italian chap with horrendous cod vibrato wants to sing the "loveliest sweet song in the world", It's Now or Never, and for some reason he gets four yeses. Sigh.

49-year-old smily Julie is from South Wales and loves singing. She keeps scrunching up her nose and drawing stars in the air, which probably explains why they're playing the theme tune to Bewitched as her background music. She gives a quick example of what she does for a living - demonstrating products at the supermarket (Oh! I tuned out for a second and came back to see her naming all the flavours of Pringles. It makes sense now.-Joel) - and then breaks into a version of Let There Be Love. Louis claims she murdered the song, which isn't true. It was tuneful, but strange. Simon is right when he says it is somewhat robotic. Julie tries to sing another snippet, but she's stopped, and she takes the utter rejection gracefully, smiling on her way out. (This was a very odd scene - they kept cutting to stock footage of the judges with their jaws dropping, when Julie wasn't really that bad. Certainly no worse than some other people they've put through. It bothers me when they try to make average auditions look like they were worse than they actually were; if we're lacking any standouts good or bad this year, the live shows are going to su-huuuuck.-Steve)(She was fine. Weird rictus grin, but vocally okay. Stupid fucking show.-Joel)

Oh, did you know that the bottom age limit has been lowered now? Yes, of course you did, but just in case you're a fool with no short-term memory, this show will remind you again. Little Vivian wants to be like Shirley Bassey. Goodness. She's slathered in shiny eyeshadow. This is a fag-hag in the making, I think. The judges beam at her as she skips in and does a little dance of excitement on the X-spot, and tells them of her ambition to be like La Bassey. The editing here sucks, seriously. She sings Diamonds Are Forever - which is a hell of a song for anyone to sing, let alone a 14-year-old - and Sharon looks like she's going to cry with faux-maternal pride. "You're a funny little thing, aren't you?" says Simon. Sharon tells her that she doesn't think she's ready for the X-Factor, and Vivian bursts into tears. Excellent. THIS is why they shouldn't let children into this competition. Dannii and Louis both tell her she's not ready, and Simon says that she has a nice voice but little control at the moment. Vivian begs the judges to put her through. Sharon says yes; Dannii says no; Louis says yes; Simon says no. I think that had Louis said no, Simon would have said yes, but this kid is just a child and the competition will destroy her, if her reaction to even slightly negative comments is anything to go by. She wails to her family, "They were so mean!" Which they weren't. But if you're 14, you're bound to take rejection like that. And Simon concurs with this totally obvious point: "This is when I think we've made the wrong decision to lower the age range." Duh. (Her voice was MUCH better than I expected, but her Welsh accent was too strong when she sang. At least the judges were nice enough not to say 'you're too fat and ugly to win this show', which was the basic fact of the matter.-Joel) (*cough* McManus *cough*. - Carrie)

Still to come - suggestive comments, skipping and sobbing.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Dermot in the same light-blue shirt, but now he reckons he's in Birmingham. Continuity - que? (I swear that shot is blue-screened. Dermot looks like he's about six miles away from the "crowd" "behind" him.-Steve)

We recap all the terrible auditions we've seen so far, including the RUDEST AUDITIONEE IN THE WHOLE WORLD EVAH!!!!111one!!11!

Japanese Toshko has travelled all the way to the UK to meet Simon. She is a dinky little thing who cannot speak much English (Sharon can't even understand what her name is), but she tells Cowell where she's from, and then adds: "And I like you. Very much. And I came to here to meet you and I'm glad to meet you." Oh, bless her. Simon smiles uncertainly. Sharon asks: "Is Simon well known in Tokyo?" Toshko says that he is, and Sharon invites her to walk up to the panel to meet him. Louis makes stupid comments about them making a nice couple and there being chemistry, which Simon wisely ignores. Instead, he gives her a chivalrous peck on the cheek, gives her a hug and tells her that she is very pretty. (Awwww.-Steve) Then it is time for the audition, a version of My Way, and of course it's abysmal - feeble and with the language barrier preventing any kind of diction. (She sings like Cartman. Heee!-Steve) Simon does, at least, try to hide his smile; Louis doesn't bother; and Dannii beams supportively. They allow her to sing an entire verse without interruption, she ends by thanking them for listening, they applaud and thank her, and I guess she's got all she travelled for. Simon tells her that she has a sweet voice and is very cute, and that he might have to take her home with him. There's much laughter all round, and the poor girl blushes. Louis says yes, Dannii says yes, Simon says no because she was too quiet, and Sharon says no because she thinks that she and Simon should be kept apart. They all thank her again, and Simon escorts her out with an arm round her shoulder, and kisses her goodbye. She's delighted, and that's a lovely little interlude, if rather pointless. (I think she was taking the piss. She was like a Japanese girl I vaguely know who plays up to 'I..er..no speak very good English' and then cackles and chats away to you in perfect English like a native Londoner.-Joel)

Montage of shit auditions, including the galloping man who sings Puff the Magic Dragon, but as it's only a snippet and we've already seen it in an earlier montage, it's rather redundant. I am rather taken with Danny who I suspect has a great and abiding love for N*Sync (who doesn't?-Steve), and so it proves with his somewhat camped-up version of Pop!, but he's still not very good.

Sharon reckons the show has the capability to change people's lives for the better, and that it has done, and will continue to do so. In that case, I'm predicting the next auditionee, shop assistant Richard, will be going through. He has the customary chat with Dermot (now in navy blue shirt and tie), describing how he has hated all his previous jobs. Join the club, sonny. He is quite cute, albeit with silly fluffy facial hair. He sings Ain't No Sunshine, and it's a fair stab at it - rather breathy, no power to speak of, but it's tuneful, at least. Simon says that Richard reminds him of when he first met Will Young - that wasn't an obvious comparison to make at all, was it? Louis interrupts with, "But he's more sincere, Simon. He's better looking and he's more sincere." (No on both counts. Shut up, Louis.-Steve) Dannii criticises his singing technique and suggests he gets some lessons. Sharon says that his voice is rather breathy (for fuck's sake, now I'm thinking the same thoughts as Sharon Osbourne?) and likens it to a dirty phone call. Richard asks: "But is it a good dirty phone call?" She replies: "All dirty phone calls are good." Ew. Simon asks for the judges' votes, and S Club's Never Had A Dream Come True starts up in the background. Hmm, wonder what way this will go, then. Sharon says no, Dannii says yes, Louis says yes, and Simon says it's an easy decision - yes. Richard runs out to hug his mum. Aw. Dermot labours the point conveyed by the music - "Richard's dream of becoming a singer is starting to come true." (Best eye-candy so far. Voice? Meh.-Joel)

Montage of other people talking about their dreams coming true, none of whom we have seen singing. Richard thinks his life will change now.

Still to come - a crying woman with much anger directed at Simon.

Dermot welcomes us back, and he's now in a denimy-blue shirt with epaulettes. No idea where he is now, and he doesn't tell us. Instead, we're looking at footage of truly awful groups. Simon wants to find the next Spice Girls, and Dermot (now in white shirt and yellow tie) thinks he might have done already, in the shape of Fallen Angels. Incidentally, Dermot's whispering voice as he stands outside the audition room is really quite sexy. He holds the door open for this four-piece girl group, who are all hair extensions and quirky neon pink accessories, and they bounce in and begin their audition en route to the stage - part pseudo-rap, and then breaking into harmonies, shouting about how they are a New Girl Group and Great and so on. (Best entrance since Addictiv Ladies.-Steve) The panel look bemused, but in a good way. Simon applauds, then Louis asks them to sing properly. They turn in a version of McFly's Obviously, which is OK, but I don't think a great deal of the originality of the harmonies, which seem to be a third apart all the time, nor with the intermittent whooping. Still, nit-picking - I'm sure the MD on the live shows will come up with a host of truly terrific arrangements with many exciting key changes, because they're bound to go through. Dannii thinks their harmonies are great. ("Yurrr hurrrmonies are graysh. Would you like a thruuugh furr yurr caaarch?"-Steve) What? Everyone says yes, and there is screaming and jumping on Dermot, who sustains a knee in the groin and collapses. (Any volunteers to kiss it better form an orderly queue behind me.-Steve)

Oh, we're still in Birmingham. More good auditions, one with a boy who sings with his eyes closed. Dannii says yes, Louis says yes, and Simon tells him, "You're through with three yeses", with his intonation suggesting that's the full sweep. So is Sharon not there, then? Come on, people, get with the continuity. A little girl called China sings Songbird, and she's got a really nice voice. Not a great deal of stage presence, due to the fact that she's a gangly awkward child, but she's through none the less.

Dermot voiceovers that as the day in Birmingham draws to a close, Sharon has to leave early for work commitments in Los Angeles. So that'll be where she was when eyes-closed boy was singing, then. Except Dermot is maintaining that Simon, Louis and Dannii are alone only for the final audition. *stabs self in ears with frustration* The last audition of the day is with It's About Time, a "modern-day Abba", made up of two sisters and their husbands. They're looking forward to winning the X-Factor and changing their lives by buying their mum a house next door to Marti Pellow, and they reckon they formed the group purely for this show. They sing We Built This City On Rock'n'Roll in bizarre belty voices, albeit in harmony. Simon stops them, and advises them to stick to carol singing. The older sister tells him they just need the right direction, setting Cowell up admirably for the riposte: "It's over there - the door. It was all wrong, the image, the lack of charisma, it was boring." The older sister gets all tearful and stroppy, saying: "We've actually sung on the NEC stage, and they loved us." Quite rightly, Simon replies: "So what? They're not sitting here." The whole group begin shouting about "all the rubbish that have gone through", and that they're good enough to win the whole show, with one of the husbands saying entirely seriously, "We are [good enough to win the whole show]. I'll buy you a drink if we don't." Simon rolls his eyes, Louis chuckles like the moronic leprechaun he is. The older sister continues her teary tirade: "I can't walk out that door and tell everyone we didn't get through." Um, why exactly? This is worse than little Vivian earlier. And these are grown-ups. Dannii has her head in her hands, hoping the whole horrible scene will disappear. Simon tells them his answer is no. The older sister sobs some more, whining "Please" like some recalcitrant toddler demanding sweets in Tesco. Louis says yes, because he's an easily-manipulated idiot. It's down to Dannii, and, because she has ears and a brain between those ears and must surely realise that these people would be nightmares to work with, she says no. (Also, that's the first time I've heard a judge say "the standard is so high this year" and actually agreed. W4 and Fallen Angels would wipe the floor with this lot, to name two off the top of my head.-Steve) The older sister snivels: "Simon, I used to think you were such a wonderful man. I've watched you, and I've admired you, and I've wanted you to tell me the truth." Impressively patiently, he mellows his tone to respond: "I did tell you the truth, sweetheart, it's a no." She staggers forward to weep over the judges and the judging desk. Simon walks out; Dannii is admirably nice to them. I'm bored of these people now.

Coming soon - dramatic lighting, Simon evicting Louis and Sharon from the judging panel (presumably and unfortunately not for ever), strange falsettos, a man telling Louis, "You're talking stupid." Looking forward to that? I know I am.

No dead parents

Audition Show 2: 25th August 2007

There's an onerous burden on my shoulders tonight. Well, two, to be exact. First, can my vitriol manage to live up to the high standards set by Steven and Joel? And second, can I manage to recap an episode of the X-Factor without it descending into a random list of expletives? We'll soon find out.

"Prepare to be amazed and appalled," warns the continuity announcer as the credits are lined up. They should have that before the title sequence every week, like the Parental Guidance one for South Park.

Last week! Lots of people watched this shite! (Seriously. I can't believe they actually crowed about the number of viewers they got. I always knew this show had no freaking class.-Steve) Louis came back to the surprise of nobody whatsoever!

Tonight! The auditions get bigger! And probably much, much worse, as the usual clutch of talentless naive fools are lined up for the ritual ignominy.

Cue credits.

Lovely Dermot is wearing a light blue shirt, open at the neck, and he's at the Birmingham NEC. He helpfully recaps this year's rules, which have been manipulated shamefully already.

Speaking of which, here are the judges. SIMON! SHARON! DANNII! LOUIS!

They're all on the road to Birmingham. "If we don't find a talent bigger than Leona this series, then we've failed," says Dannii. "I still believe there is world-class talent in this country," says Simon. Even if there was world-class talent in this country, I'd hope they'd have the sense and the creative integrity not to offer themselves up on the altar of Cowell/Great British Public judgement.

Dermot opens the door in gentlemanly fashion for a scary gold-clad lady named Debbie who worships Whitney Houston. Dannii takes on the role of asking all the questions, all the better to mock the contestant with. Louis is looking open-mouthed bemused, Simon looks appalled. And she hasn't even started singing yet. When she does, it's awful - an off-key, shouty rendition of I Will Always Love You. Shocker on all counts. Dannii slides down in her seat, and holds on to her nose, perhaps for fear it might fall off. (Don't worry, I'm sure the Botox will hold it nice and safe.-Steve) Louis begins to snigger. Dannii grimaces. This is so rude. Worse than last week. Simon stops her in her tracks. She smiles, and giggles nervously. The judges all roundly destroy her. She leaves the stage to the sounds of Bring It All Back. What? "Imagine buying a house, and hearing that next door," says Simon, apropos of nothing whatsoever.

Montage of strange people preparing for audition.

Dannii appears to have taken over the role of head judge, and ushers in a chap named Iklaus, who is sporting large sunglasses due to having a sleepless night of preparation prior to meeting the judges. Simon makes him take them off. This is so strange. It is like ScarfFace last week, except Iklaus doesn't tell Simon that he is a handsome man with good opticianry. Iklaus has a list of 18 songs with him that he'd like to sing, which Simon asks him to read out. As he goes through the list (Lionel Richie, Paul Anka, Helen Reddy, the Carpenters, Wings, you get the idea), Simon says, "No." (This, for me, was the acme of unnecessary rudeness. It wasn't even funny. Pipe down, Simon.-Steve) Sharon puts her cardigan over her head. Simon rolls his eyes and tells him to pick one and start singing. Iklaus begins with Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying. Simon stops him immediately, and makes him choose another one.

Filler, more terrible people, one in a jaunty hat who is a switchboard operator and gives a Riverdance impersonation, one chubby lass who looks like she is going to vomit, an old man, interspersed with more shots of Iklaus's chosen songs being rejected by Simon. "You have demonstrated on about 11 songs that you can't sing a note in tune," sneers Cowell.

When asked which artist in the world he'd like to be as successful as, 46-year-old Andrew replies: "I'd like to be a second Shayne Ward." Cue much alcohol spluttered across the room, and a classic look of utter bewilderment from Cowell as he tries to work out whether he's being snarky or serious. Andrew does try to employ the traditional Ward falsetto, but it's tuneless and he's not pretty. (So he did quite a good Shayne impression, then?-Steve) With the words, "It doesn't matter, none of it matters," Simon gets up and says he's going for lunch. Sharon and Louis bitch about the rudeness and unprofessionalism. Because clearly they are always paragons of politeness and professional conduct.

Still to come - more auditionees, a woman swearing at the judges having her expletives bleeped out and an X plastered across her face (and no, it's not me).

Here we go in Manchester then. (Again.-Steve) Whoop whoop. There are many balloons released into the air because it's just SO exciting. A boy with a silly Mohican hair, a girl who can't speak English, a man who wants to win a Brit.

Here is Gavin with a beard, cue Your Song. He is a wedding singer who Dreams Of Being A Star, and gazes into the distance in Captain Jack-stylee. Dermot, clad in beige shirt and khaki tie rakishly undone, has a chat to him. Simon tells him to imagine that Dannii and Louis are the bride and groom. Gavin tells him that he thinks Dannii is the bride, Louis is an uncle, Sharon is the gorgeous mother of the bride, and Simon is a bridesmaid. HA HA HA LULZ! He sings Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher. He's OK. Nothing great. Sharon likes his personality. Louis says yes, Sharon says yes, Dannii says yes, Simon says yes, and tells him not to be such a smart-arse next time. Can you say "arse" on prime-time Saturday night ITV1? (Dunno, but this show is concrete proof that you can broadcast it for an entire hour.-Steve)

Everyone in Manchester is great! See, we have one musical theatre boy, three girls with horrid shoes who think they're the Sugababes, hooray, hooray, many people through to boot camp!

20-year-old Steph is a checkout operator. "From checkout girl to the X-Factor," proclaims Simon, and she's through. Mysteriously, there is a TV crew waiting at her supermarket to welcome her back as she breaks the good news to her colleagues.

Retired window cleaner John comes on to the screen to the sound of Monty Python's Flying Circus. He is incoherent in his babbling, and can't hear what the judges are saying to him. Presumably he also cannot hear Louis laughing all the way his rather abysmal performance, which is for the best. Since when was it appropriate to parcel up humiliation of poorly elderly people and present it as entertainment? Seriously, this is plumbing new depths. Ring social services or something, don't take the piss out of him and send him home.

I'm sure you can't have failed to remember that this year we have 14-year-olds in the contest legally. Well, apparently this has opened up the competition to a whole new generation. (I know that kids are getting pregnant at increasingly younger ages these days, but unless last year's sixteen-year-olds popped a sprog at the age of two, I think that's a bit of an untruth there.-Steve) Here's Paris, who auditioned last year with her pretty little operatic voice, but is now BACK BACK BACK to enter officially. She's a Scouser. Is this Liverpool now? Dermot, now with his tie done up nicely, gives her a kiss. Sharon pretends she remembers her and this hasn't been set up at all. She sings two lines of I Will Always Love You, with a bizarre glissando cadenza. What? Why? Stick to what you're good at, girlie. (I know! They kept wanking on about how she'd clearly improved, when to my ears she'd got worse. Non-opera songs sung in a cod-opera style are my personal bête noire.-Steve) (Just be grateful she didn't translate it into Italian. Also, for my money, she sucks as an opera singer as well as a 'pop' singer.-Joel) Obviously she's through, despite Dannii's misgivings. Cue swell of Britney's I'm Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman. How very clever!

As the judges jet off to the next city, recklessly ignoring their carbon footprint, they chat about Paris, who Simon thinks is really special. I'm not sure "special" is the right word. Possibly "Hayley Westenra clone"?

Still to come - insane people, cute boys, and the swearing lady, who's still not been on, but is now billed as the RUDEST AUDITIONEE EVER. Clearly they are saving this till later because it's simply THAT DRAMATIC.

Ooh, now we're in Cardiff, (righting a wrong from last year-Steve) where Dermot is back in light blue. I hope that's not the same shirt, or if it is, that it's been washed. (Not only is it the same shirt, it's the same people in the background. And notice how as soon as he says "we're in..." it cuts away from his face and an extremely disjointed voiceover says which city they're in. OMG LYIN TO TEH AUDIENCE!!!1111!-Steve) Here's John, a 57-year-old maths teacher ("I've got the x, y and z factor, because I'm a mathematician and I teach algebra. Hur hur hur!"), and he's accompanied by the theme tune to Please Sir!. Current cultural reference? Oh yes, I think so. He covers Tom Jones' Help Yourself, complete with odd jerky dance routine. Dannii bites her lip in distress; Louis calls him horrendous; Simon says he is terrifying in his acceptance of his awfulness. He looks genuinely puzzled and heartbroken and tells the judges they are denying Wales their singer. Sharon replies that they have Tom Jones to fall back on, and he responds that Jonesy can't sing. Sharon hits her head against the desk.

More terrible auditions - featuring nasal highlights boy singing Kingston Town, man in a trilby, woman in brightly patterned dress and pashmina-style thing wishing she was A Punk Rocker With Flowers In Her Hair, and an old man singing Oh Boy with a sideways gallop for every line - accompanied by the strains of Michael Jackson's Bad. Who is picking this soundtrack?

22-year-old Andy is an asbestos remover and is the cutest thing on television I've seen for ages, with his dinky little mannerisms and unforced awkwardness. He gossips with Dermot (now in a lovely chocolate-pinstriped shirt - is this a different day? Can it be that the continuity here is buggered again?) wants to make his dad (WHO IS NOT DEAD) proud. He sings Fly Me To The Moon, and is fairly decent. Dannii and Sharon suppress smiles. Louis thinks he has potential. Sharon says no, Dannii says yes, Louis says yes, Simon has THE CASTING VOTE and puts him through. Why did Sharon say no when you just know she loved him and will be leching at him throughout the live shows? (Also, I would just like to say here that one format change I approve of wholeheartedly this year is the post-audition scene of Fit Boys Hugging Dermot. Can we not just have an entire hour of that?-Steve)(Manual labour, quite fit, and Daddy Issues (see: I just want him to say he's proud of me). Triple whammy of X-Factor gold. He's through to the live shows, guaranteed.-Joel)

Aha, here's the RUDEST AUDITIONEE EVER. EVAH! Heavily eye-lined Rachel is 25 years old and is adjusting her breasts in her crop top. She claims to be able to sing like Cyndi Lauper and Gwen Stefani, and reckons she is "just too goddamned good". Is this woman for real? She asks for a microphone. Why? Who can tell? The boom mike comes in, and she's poor. (But she IS singing Sheena Easton's 'Sugar Walls', whcih has to count for something in her favour.-Joel)(That was insane. She actually tried to HOLD the boom, for Pete (Waterman)'s sake.-Steve) There's absolute silence when she finishes. She says, "That was good, wasn't it?" Simon says no, and tells her she is lazy, deluded, with a bad attitude and very little talent. This is Rachel's trigger point to unleash a torrent of vitriol. Sharon and Louis look astounded. Rachel announces that she has made a cassette and Sharon decides to throw fuel on the fire by saying: "Nobody makes cassettes any more, they're called CDs." Looming up towards the panel, Rachel tells Sharon. "That was rude, wasn't it?" and security is called for. Dannii claims to have never heard such language. True, because Australians are noted for their decorous manners. (Come to The Redback in Acton, Dannii. Boy, will your eyes be opened.-Steve)

Still to come - shouting, yodelling, laughter, vodka.

We're still in Cardiff. You can tell because it's Charlotte Church's Crazy Chick on the soundtrack, and Dermot is surrounded by a male voice choir. Here is Icaro, whose mission is to spread love. Oh my fuck. He is Chico, with more earnestness. He wants to let his love out. Danger! He then explains that he has four children (that's the danger of letting all that love out without protection) and has been married for 20 years. "That is a real hero! A man who can keep a woman for 20 years! That's a real man!" he claims. Sharon agrees vociferously. Icaro sings a song I cannot really recognise, declares his love for Louis and Sharon, sings To All The Girls You've Loved Before to Simon, then decides he must sing I Can't Help Falling In Love to Dannii. What on earth is going on? Simon is disbelieving, and tries to send him away, but he's not going to escape without a kiss. Three yeses from the non-Simon judges to piss him off, and Icaro will be at boot camp. He throws himself to the ground with a wail. Dannii discovers a fan from somewhere, possibly a hand-me-down from Sinitta last time round. She'll have the parasol next week.

Filler - pretty girls, pretty boy with a nice smile, boy who looks like Keith from Any Dream Will Do?, close-harmony girl group, boy in checked shirt, they're all through. (And once again the ratio of bad auditions broadcast to good auditions broadcast is approximately 99,000:1. Sigh.-Steve)

Sad music to indicate the closing of another tough day of auditions. The last person to see the judges is 22-year-old Private Ryan (yes, really) who has been in the army for six years and has returned from Iraq to pursue his dream of singing on the X-Factor. He has his camouflage combats on, just in case we didn't know he has been a serving soldier. With customary sympathy, Simon demands to know about the distressing experiences that have sent him back to the UK, and Ryan tells the panel about his two friends who died during service. Friends WHO ARE DEAD? This is a new departure for this BRAND-NEW INNOVATIVE SERIES. If you've just got parents WHO ARE DEAD, that simply doesn't cut it any more. Cogitate that, Niki! He sings Lean On Me. His dad (who is IN A WHEELCHAIR) waits outside and whispers to the camera that if he doesn't go to boot camp, he'll be going to Afghanistan. What? Since when did the X-Factor qualify as a good reason for leave from the army? Enrique sings Hero in the background - it's four yeses, and there is delight all round. (I'm not sure what troubled me more about this - Sharon and Simon's extremely flip comments about Iraq, or the fact that seeing your friends - WHO ARE DEAD - die right in front of apparently prompts the kind of epiphany that makes you apply for this show. You've got a lot to answer for, Mr Blair.-Steve)(Well. When you can go on Big Brother, lie to a slightly mentally ill recovering anorexic about how much you love her, and then say that your dead friend came down from Heaven and told you that your life wouldn't be worth living if you didn't win Big Brother, and then go on to win, I guess 'my friends WHO ARE DEAD' looks like a winning tactic. Hopefully they'll come down on a cloud during bootcamp and tell Private Ryan he has to win.-Joel)

Next week - more absolute shit. Someone tells they judges they are "talking stupid". Someone claims to have formerly thought that Simon Cowell was "a wonderful man". Why would you think that?

Well, that was another waste of an hour. Tune in again next week, when Joel is set to down a bottle of nerve-invigorating meths to take on reporting duties. (*cry*-Joel)

Look at me, I am cha-a-a-a-a-a-angin'...

Series Four, Audition Show 1: 18th August 2007

Just so you all know, this has come around FAR too quickly for me. I'm finding it quite traumatic to face another four and a half months of petty bickering, underwhelming live shows, backstage "scandals" and parents WHO ARE DEAD. But heck, I've got a job to do, so here I am. Before I begin, I'd like to welcome new recapper Carrie to the team - she's selflessly volunteered to take some of the torment workload off mine and Joel's hands this year, and hopefully this will lead to me keeping my narrow grip on sanity for a little while longer. We shall see, anyway. Welcome, Carrie. And on with the show.

I couldn't bring myself to watch it live, by the way. We had guests last night for a stitch and bitch party, so instead of watching this, I was learning how to knit while watching the classic Lindsay Lohan/Tyra Banks movie Life Size. And it's kind of sad when that's the least depressing option of ways to spend your Saturday night, but I digress.

New sponsor, this year: Carphone Warehouse. I'm going to miss my random, inexplicable cravings for a Nokia. Throaty voiceover man tells us that last year a new star was born, as we see the moment of Leona's victory, to the somewhat incongruous accompaniment of Rihanna's 'Unfaithful'. This sets what I'm sure will be a series-spanning tone of historical revisionism, as Leona has been pretty much invisible since 'A Moment Like This' left the charts about six months ago. I'm informed that she has a new single on the way called 'Bleeding Love' or something equally unfortunate-sounding, but when Ray, Ben and the McDonut Brothers have all released albums and Leona's only just getting around to single #2, it rather makes you wonder what the point of winning is in the first place. It's a shame, really; regular readers will know that we liked Leona and wanted her to do well, but I'm not sure if anyone cares any more. Do they? (No.-Carrie) Perhaps they were waiting to launch the album off the back of this series, or something. Let's just hope her new single's better than Shayne Ward's godawful effort. ANYway, onwards. But then, we're told, everything changed. Louis got sacked. Hooray! There's a long montage of news footage of Louis's axing, which conveniently omits any mention of poor Kate Thornton's ouster. I'm already in a fit of rage knowing that the smarmy, petty nitwit wasn't gone for long (Louis, obviously, not Kate) and I refuse to blow a gasket this early on in the series, but all the same: HAAATE. Now it's all change. New judges (Dannii: yay!, Brian Friedman: buh?), new battle (someone singing operatically which fails in any way to explain what is new about the battle other than the contestants, which: duh). Footage of stuff yet to come, which I will cover in due course. Final deification shot of Louis Walsh. I hate this series already. Cue titles!

Shiny rims greet us as the X Factor trucks zoom along a motorway. New host Dermot O'Leary welcomes us to the new series, where the search got bigger, apparently. Arguably Dermot is far better eye candy than Kate, and probably a more competent presenter (although the live shows will be the real test of that), but he lost a lot of stock with me for being such an Endemol puppet during the past couple of years of Big Brother. Shots of crowds waving. More people than ever before have applied this year. I am SHOCKED. The age range has been lowered to include contestants of fourteen years and upwards, which I'm sure can only end in tears. (Or permanent psychological scarring of people who aren't old enough to know better.-Carrie) Dermot runs through the revised categories of which there are now four: boys 14-24, girls 14-24, over 25s of all genders, and groups. Obviously each group is accompanied by shots of examples of said group, both good and bad. I can tell we're in for a vintage year right now. The winner, of course, gets that £1million recording contract (Leona bathes in caviar every day, don't you know) and the chance to make this year's Christmas No.1 as tired and pedestrian as it has been for pretty much the entire decade.

There are judges! Arriving on a balcony to wave to the contestants in a manner that's sadly more Princess Anne than Eva Peron. Heading the panel is "one of music's most powerful men", Simon Cowell. Simon points out that this year we have "schoolkids literally versus old age pensioners - you cannot get more diverse than that." They'd better be one-legged albino schoolkids versus fierce elderly black lesbians, in that case. Also returning is "rock's first lady" (ha!), Sharon Osbourne. Sharon really wants to win this year, because it has escaped precisely no one's notice that she sucks and never wins. Sharon says that she wants to be the one doing the press call with her winner, because she's the poster girl for altruism. The first new judge (and if I'm completely honest, probably the only reason I'm watching this series) (You and me both. I’ve a love for Minogue Junior that borders on the unhealthy.-Joel) is Dannii Minogue, who's looking pretty chuffed to be here. (And also Botoxed to fuck.-Carrie) Dannii's been performing since the age of seven and got her start on a talent show, she says, so she knows what it takes to be a success in this industry. Our second new judge is top choreographer, Brian Friedman. He made his reputation by working with artists like Usher, Prince and Britney Spears. Don't get too attached to him. Brian tells us that in America "we have a very high standard, and you can't make it there unless you're incredible". I suspect he may be right, but then I'm taking the world 'incredible' in its most literal form. Sharon blows kisses from the balcony. Dermot VOs that the judges will be battling each other in the live finals, but for now they're working together. Suuuuuure.

The first contestant this year is 55-year-old cleaner Susan. She has an itsy-bitsy voice and is excited to think that she could be mere seconds away from being a superstar. The early signs are not promising when Simon's not-hugely-difficult instruction for her to "walk onto the X" takes around five minutes to reach completion. Susan looks good for 55, and has wanted to be a singer since she was a little girl and would love to achieve her ambition today. Sharon cackles, for no apparent reason other than complete rudeness. Susan sings 'You'll Never Walk Alone' with a very straight face and a piercingly shrill tone. It is not appalling, but it is not good. The judges giggle, because they're assholes, despite the fact that nothing about this performance is especially funny; it's merely inadequate. (It was at this point I remembered why I hate this show. Yeah, she wasn't great, but it wasn't worthy of the hysterics that suddenly afflicted the panel. I have my fingers crossed that it was one of those famous Staged Shots we keep reading about in the papers.-Carrie) Susan sings the last line about six times, for reasons best known to herself alone. Sharon asks her if she enjoyed that, and Susan said she did, which: good for her. I kind of feel that just by singing on the telly, however ropily, she's achieved that girlhood ambition, and it's at a suitably early stage in the series for me to still be a bit of a soft touch. Simon tells Susan that it was the slowest song in the world. There is a long and protracted silence, punctuated by Dannii and Sharon's giggling. It's a no from Brian. Sharon tells Susan it's good that she enjoyed it (I am alarmed by Sharon suddenly being The Voice of Me), but that it's a no from her. Dannii says that she enjoyed it (pants on fire!), but that she doesn't think Susan will win. I think Dannii has an unrealistic expectation of the sort of candidates who make the finals. It's four nos, and Susan takes it on the chin, rather charmingly. She tells that cameras outside that it was a no, which came as a surprise to her. Awww, Susan. Get yourself a MySpace Music page and stick a few covers on it. I'll download 'em, because if nothing else, you have class and I find you endearing.

Time-lapse shots of other contestants failing, to the sound of Just Jack's 'Stars in their Eyes'. I was under the impression that that song was pretty much an attack on programmes of this nature, so quite why they licenced it for use on this show is a mystery to me. Breaking it down from the inside, perhaps? A musical Trojan horse? A boy sings in an alarming falsetto, and cries outside. A man flatlines "let me be your hero", to which Louis Brian curtly responds, "No". Simon asks a girl with a dissociative hairdo identity disorder if she thinks she can win. She says that she thinks she can, before shrieking her way through a song I can't even discern. There don't even appear to be any actual words. (It was Nina Simone’s ‘Feeling Good’, if you can believe that.-Joel) (Really? Damn, I wouldn't have got that if I'd lived to be 100.-Steve) She is still, obviously, less shit than Ray. NotLouis tells her she can't sing. A chap who looks like he enjoys darts sings 'Life On Mars', badly. An old man in a jaunty hat bleats his way through 'Love Me Tender', much to Dannii's distress. Four teenagers shriek and wail their way into the audition room, springing onto the X in what looks like a set piece from Bring It On 4: It's Already Been Broughten. Actually, now I look at them up close, I'm not sure about the "teenagers" thing - they just have old faces. Put it this way: they ought to have been teenagers, because anyone who is legally an adult ought to have more dignity than to caterwaul their way through Take That's 'Shine' while performing an embarrassingly simplistic "dance" "routine". Simon declares them "probably the worst group I have ever heard in my life". Insert your own Westlife joke here. They burst out of the audition room with a couple of well-chosen curses to which we are sadly not privy, while the one who looks a bit like a mouse grumbles that they "can't do that". Check your contract, sweetheart: they can, and they did. NotLouis doesn't "understand Britain at all", which is fortunate given what is yet to transpire. (I loved that – he seemed genuinely perplexed.-Joel) Dermot, who is not wearing the same shirt he was wearing at the beginning of the show, FYI, informs us that nobody has got through the London auditions as yet. In the wake of all those "TV lies!!!111!!!1!!!onetyeleven!!" scandals that have hit the papers over the past month or so, I'm going to take the specific placing of this particular insight with a large grain of salt. He claims that it's putting years on him, although frankly I'd still kill to have baby-soft skin like his, dammit.

A woman enters the audition room wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and a scarf wrapped around the lower half of her face. Simon, naturally, asks what gives. Scarfface says that it's because she urgently needs "dentistry". Simon asks if she would perform with a scarf around her neck, which is kind of dumb, because that wouldn't be a problem; the scarf being over her mouth would be the issue, surely? Scarfface says yes, she would. Scarfface makes a comment about the lights which I couldn't quite make out (she didn't like the halogen lighting, apparently-Carrie), and then begins to sing a song which I can't place, although it sounds like a torch song of some description. The scarf slips a little during the performance, and I have to say her teeth don't seem that bad, but then what do I know? There's a piercing shriek which causes Sharon to go crosseyed, according to the moment where I paused the video. Simon declares the entire thing "ridiculous", saying that she's standing there like "something out of a horror movie". Scarfface counters that she's standing there "like someone who has the X factor". Scarfface makes yet another comment that I can't hear, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm going deaf or because of TEH SCARF, but informs Simon that he is "a warm, kind, magic, handsome person with great dentistry." HAHAHAHA! First decent laugh of the series, well done Scarfface. "I'm here to get dentistry," insists Scarfface. Simon tells her that it isn't his fault that he's got good teeth, and decides to call a halt to the proceedings. (This bit was brilliant. I can't help but fear it was scripted.-Carrie) It's four nos for Scarfface (Emily, apparently), who informs the cameras outside that Simon got out of bed on the wrong side this morning. Simon is worried about the state of this new series. Given that this is pretty much how the last series opened, and we saw the kind of shit that ended up in the finals, it is a concern shared by many of us, I suspect. "Could X Factor 4 be over before it's even begun?" wonders Dermot VO. Yeah, like that would happen. Don't get my hopes up, O'Leary. Still to come: everything changes. Someone tells NotLouis to go back to NotIreland. Sharon worries about a lack of chemistry. A gang of randoms demand Louis's return. NotLouis feels let down. The Prattling Leprechaun stands under floodlights. I nip to the shops for some Pepto-Bismol.

Commercials: Billie Piper as a callgirl, sounding very demure.

Back to the London auditions, with Dermot back to his original shirt. Contestants are here "in their thousands" to see the four judges, even though those huge crowds we see are clearly the ones who lined up to see the producers for the pre-screening. Dermot meets girlband W4: Lindsay, Enrica(?), Crystal, Rachel and Leigh. They are from more than one country, which will give Louis huge problems if they make the live finals, because by the time he's listed all of the separate places that will want to vote for them, the show will be over. Lindsay, who is Welsh, tells us that they're a more modern Spice Girls. They sing Bryan Adams's 'Heaven' in a pleasingly harmonious fashion. Simon declares them "not original at all", and one of them (I can't be bothered to rewind to find out her name; I'll be here all night) gets feisty and rips off her flag. Dannii disagrees with Simon and compliments their "unity" and "energy", saying that she wants to be in their gang. Sharon thinks they've got something. It's four yeses for W4, and they're through to boot camp. (They were so good! Genuinely good and not just ‘by the desperately low bar set by the X-Factor good’. Although I don’t understand the W4 name, given that there were five of them. Unless they’re a posher, female E17.-Joel) They're not alone, as we melt into the now-traditional montage of people who were good, and therefore apparently of no use to the audition shows, because it's not like we'll ultimately have to root for one of these people to win this show or anything. A pretty black woman with an unfortunate case of sidegob sings Diana Ross's 'Love Hangover', is liked a lot by Simon, and gets through with a scream of joy. A gang of about seven boys with terrible hair sing something that sounds utterly atonal to me, but is praised by Dannii and they're through too. More people get through, and we see almost nothing of them. I'd complain about the ridiculousness of this, but what's to be said that I didn't say last series, or the series before that? Sigh. Stupid bloody show. (Pisses me off no end. If you can show me them jumping for five seconds, you can show me them singing for five seconds instead, thereby proving why they got through.-Joel)

Waiting in the holding area are brother/sister duo (uh oh) Same Difference, aka Sarah and Sean. Sean is cute. I do my best to ignore the slight Flowers in the Attic subtext. Sarah is a bundle of nervous energy, notably when she points to Sean when saying her name and to herself when saying his. Hee. Sarah jumps up and down. They sing 'I'll Be There For You' in an annoyingly overblown way, although they've both got quite good voices and a good ear for harmonies. (Why do boy-girl duos always insist on singing to each other as opposed to the judges?-Joel) Simon stops them and tells them to lose the crazy faces and the shouting and screaming, because it's currently "insane". He's not wrong. Simon giggles at them and says that he pities their parents. He says that he's sure they both wake up in good moods. NotLouis tells them that they don't need to project right to the back wall under the circumstances, and they agree to tone it down. Dannii says that she doesn't think that they can, nor does she believe they should (I can tell she's going to regret saying that), because she finds them lovable and adorable. I have to admit, they're creepy and they're far too Butlins for my personal taste, but something about these two makes me grin like an idiot and I have no problem with them at least making it to boot camp. Simon tells them to watch lots of depressing documentaries. NotLouis votes: "You guys are so annoying, but it's a yes." Dannii votes no because to win they'd have to change them, and she doesn't want to do that. Sharon: "It's really nice that you're brother and sister," (the heck? What else does she say to people? "It's really nice that you're tall." "It's really nice that you have red hair." "It's really nice that you're a Seventh Day Adventist") "but I'm gonna have to say......yes!" Oh Sharon, you tease. They freak out, before Sarah recovers and says stonily "yes, that's great, thank you." Hee! Simon says that they're possibly two of the most annoying people he's ever met, and for that reason he's going to say yes. Again, I see deep regret of those specific words in his future. Sean and Sarah explode with glee and run out of the room arm in arm. "I can't believe this day's happening! It's just like a dream!" says Sean. Calm down there, Petey Percocet. (LOVE them! I want to wake up all ‘Hello world! like they do, rather than being the wizened curmudgeon I am. Even the fact that they’re clearly fucking, and that’s only because he feels guilty about sleeping with men and she knows this and manipulates him, as my flatmate claimed, cannot diminish them.-Joel)

Filler shot of the crowd, while Dermot VO reminds us of the lowered age limit. Simon claims that this is a direct result of petitioning from fourteen- and fifteen-year-olds, so this year we'll see if they're up to it. The first 14-year-old facing the judges is Emily (not Scarfface) from London. "Emily is not only lucky to be auditioning," intones Dermot gravely. "SHE'S LUCKY TO BE ALIVE." Drink! Actually, The Feeling's 'Rosé' is the soundtrack to this sequence, which I'm taking as a shoutout to the crucial role that the Tragic Life Story plays in the X Factor drinking game. Last year Emily was rushed to hospital with a burst appendix, and her body became poisoned. All of her organs shut down one by one. She doesn't remember what happened, but she does know that she died and the doctors had to bring her back to life. Pffft. Claire does that on Heroes all the time, and without medical assistance. Colour me unimpressed. The Thing That Almost Died hugs her mum, WHO IS NOT DEAD, and enters the audition room, while VOing that she's been given a lifeline to enter this competition. Yep, I'm sure that was the first and foremost thing on the minds of the surgeons who toiled to bring you back from the beyond, love. NotLouis congratulates her on being the first 14-year-old auditionee. Emily claims she's been singing since she was in her mummy's belly. I kind of hate her already. She sings a song that I don't recognise (Randy Crawford’s ‘Almaz’, but she totally mangled the melody so I don’t blame you for not recognising it.-Joel) (Also, she mangled the word 'Almaz', which sort of trod on the song a little.-Carrie) (again, not helped by the fact that she doesn't bloody enunciate) but is clearly all about her tragic life and almost non-life. She has a good voice, but still: meh. NotLouis compliments her for not feeling the need to act older than her age. Dannii admires her confidence. Sharon says that Emily "brightened [her] day". Simon says that she's the reason why they dropped the age range, and that she has a great future ahead of her. As long as she doesn't die again, obviously. Four yeses for Emily, and she's through. The judges love her, I'm still unmoved. Emily tells the cameras that this experience has basically validated her existence, and chat in the break room about how ace she is. Basically everyone clearly wants Emily in their group.

"As the first day of auditions come to a close, everything seems to be well with the judges," says Dermot. "OR IS IT?" Indeed. The next day, and more hopefuls are lining up. Some are in sleeping bags, which saddens me on every level possible. Dermot says that there are problems behind the scenes, and the judges are all "hmm, something isn't right, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT." Yes, I wonder what it could be? Could it be that nobody has been sufficiently childish or patronising to anyone so far, and that this brings up a vacuum that can only be filled by Louis Walsh? But I'm getting ahead of myself. Sharon claims that the judging panel is now "four people sat there with no connection at all", and bemoans the lack of chemistry. And if this is meant to be after one day, I'm inclined to say: cram it, firehead. Give it a chance, for crying out loud. But then, I trust this show to be truthful to me about as much as I would trust Paris Hilton to present Newsnight, so y'know. Someone sings badly. Dermot interviews Dannii, who is "scared". NotLouis appears to be doing a perfectly serviceable job on the judging panel, but whatever, he's been scapegoated as the entire reason why Things Aren't Right. Sharon misses Louis, and thinks "it's all wrong" , and says the atmosphere is "not working". NotLouis thinks people aren't giving all that they can give. A woman with a puffy face has auditioned, and Dannii thinks she has a certain kind of X factor. "Exit factor," mumbles NotLouis. (HA!!-Joel) Puffy Face tells him to go back to America. NotLouis tries to interject, but she's having none of it, and keeps blathering "Go back to America", with an "I'm not being rude" thrown in for good measure. NotLouis counters with "Am I bovvered?", which is hilarious given that this woman is basically a Catherine Tate character, and has proved himself in those three seconds to be far more use than the real Louis ever was, but I'm wasting my time arguing his case here, aren't I? NotLouis is let down with the British talent. The auditionees are all shit. (And he didn't realise this from Grease Is The Word?-Carrie) Simon needs to take a break. "As the London auditions come to a close," says Dermot, "it seems all is not well at The X Factor." No way is that the whole of the London auditions. No fucking way. Stop lying to me, show. Don't make me sic Michael Grade on you.

Back from the adverts, and All Is Not Well, Dermot reminds us. SonyBMG headquarters, and Simon explains that they had a "difficult first week", despite the fact that the show has claimed that this was only two days, if that. He says that he wasn't happy, Sharon wasn't happy, NotLouis wasn't happy...you get the picture. Dannii, presumably, was frolicking somewhere in a meadow with kittens. The upshot is that NotLouis will not be judging the show from here onwards, but will be staying on as creative director working with the talent on the live shows. (Or! picking up a whacking great salary for little work due to the embarrassment and inconvenience caused.-Carrie) They need a fourth judge to fill, which is bollocks because they managed to do the first three series with three judges and there's absolutely no reason why they couldn't have just put the 14-24 category back as one unit and carried on, but this show wants to believe that there's no way that it couldn't continue without Louis, so back he comes. Like this whole fucking stunt wasn't planned from the outset. Give me a fucking break. God, I hate this show so much. Louis heads to Manchester on the X Factor private jet, and is promptly stoned upon arrival by a group of climate change protestors. Hooray! End of series! Louis smugs that he's pleased to be returning, and that he's obviously brought something to the show that Simon didn't realise. Fuck off, you smug bastard. (Images of him sitting on a toadstool with big green shoes with pilgrim buckles, cackling ‘Ya couldn’t do it without me tho, couldja Simon?!’-Joel) I wondered if this was all some kind of act, to be honest, but having seen him on that godawful Piers Morgan show the other week and heard his comments on the radio the other day, I doubt it. I think he is just a genuinely enormous douche. Simon never thought he'd be saying that he missed Louis Walsh on national TV. I never thought ANYONE would be saying that. Louis claims that it's all water under the bridge now (a likely story), and that he's back with a vengeance. Katy informs me that if Louis wins this year, she's going to be very cross. I second that emotion. "He's always been smug," says Simon. "This is going to be verging on unbearable." At least you're being well paid for it, Simon. What about the rest of us, eh? Louis reunites with the judges, and meets Dannii "for" "the" "first" "time", and it's on with the Manchester auditions.

Dermot says that everyone's giving him the same answer to his question. Not, apparently, because the auditionees for this show have a lower than average level of imagination, although I imagine that was at least a small part of it, but he was asking if Manchester has the X factor, so he kind of brought that on himself. Clearly, Kate Thornton's handover notes were not as thorough as they could've been. First auditionee is 79-year-old Joy from Kent. My home county, yay! Represent, sister! Joy has won several singing competitions in her life. "I'm going to take a guess and say she ain't gonna win this one," opines Katy. Sharon tells her she looks fantastic. Sharon lies. Joy tells us she can play three invisible instruments: the mandolin, the violin and the Hawaiian guitar. "Why invisible instruments?" asks Simon. "Because they are invisible," replies Joy. You tell him, Joy! Joy demos the Hawaiian guitar, supplying her own sound effects, and it's hilariously brilliant. She's got my vote to win. Apparently they're not giving her a chance to actually sing. Louis snots to Simon that she's a very versatile entertainer. (This bit was SCRIPTED TO FUCK. You can tell because Louis managed to construct a sentence that was grammatically correct, even if it was factually flawed.-Carrie) It's a yes from everyone except Simon. Dannii, sweetheart, you are in serious danger of being On My List. (I can tolerate Joy going through because she clearly wasn’t taking the whole thing at all seriously and expected it to be a laugh.-Joel) "With Joy through," VOs Dermot, "it looks like Louis is back in business." In other words, they needed him back to be the voice of unreason. Bleh. Sharon hugs Louis. A girl group sing 'Da Do Ron Ron'. "Simon," asks Louis, "did Vixen do it for you?" Heh. Montage of terrible auditions. "This is so Louis Walsh," groans Simon. I smell a spinoff! So Louis Walsh, Fridays at 10.30. Don't miss it! Or alternatively, do.

32-year-old Jules is introduced to the strains of Mutya Buena's 'Real Girl'. She's a dinner lady, and has brought a good luck card signed by the kids at her school. She is a salt-of-the-earth Northerner, just in case you hadn't found the appropriate box for her yet. She sings 'Something To Talk About'. It's tuneful enough, but uninspiring. "Right you," says Simon. "Heard enough." Jules says that she wants this so much. "I wanted you to be good," replies Louis, and votes no. Sharon likes Jules, but admonishes her to take her hands out of her pockets. It's a yes from Sharon, and also from Dannii. Simon told her that she walked in like a loser - her body language was desperate, and she sang "like a whipped dog". However, he sees potential and sees that she needs a confidence boost, and puts her through to the next round. Jules is overcome, and hugs Sharon and Dannii at the same time, before kissing Louis on the lips (ew, cooties!) and telling him it's good to see him back. "He said no," deadpans Simon. Hee. Also, how would she know? She didn't even see what things were like when he wasn't there. I call foul. Anyway, I'd bet on Jules making the live finals with a build-up like that, but then it was this sort of thing that made me peg Kerry as the pre-ordained winner last year, so I'm not exactly infallible. Hmmm. I wonder when my infamous X Factor premonition dreams are going to kick in again? Jules hugs Simon. (Then she leaves the room, and Sharon screeches after her: "Take your hands out of your pockets!" Fuck off.-Carrie) In an entirely spontaneous sequence, the kids are all waiting at the school for Jules's return. She mugs at them before telling them she got through, and the kids all scream. Completely unrehearsed, that was. (Oh sweet fuck. Come the live shows, ‘How can you vote against this women? How can you break the hearts of all those kids?!’ etc.-Joel)

Montage of other people who are good. But we don't need to see them, do we? One of the girls looks like Hannah from Hollyoaks and sings Kelly Clarkson's 'Breakaway'. That's about it. Still to come (God, there's more?): there's weeping aplenty, and Dermot's on the front line. Call your agent now, Dermot. It's not too late!

Back from the break, trucks on the motorway, and we're in Birmingham. God, Manchester got short shrift this week, didn't it? Sorry to all of our Mancunian friends. We still love you. Montage of hopefuls, including a scary woman singing 'Rehab'. First up is 17-year-old "self-taught singer" Zoe, who we saw crying in the "still to come" section, which rather robs this audition of any tension it may have had. Dermot's wearing a different shirt to the one he wore when he said "welcome to Birmingham". The continuity on this show is fucked. The Grange Hill theme leads Zoe into her audition. She's rather nervous. Simon asks her to name one artist that she could be as successful as, and she names Christina Aguilera. Coincidentally, she will be singing 'Beautiful'. Badly. Bet that came as a huge surprise, didn't it? She looks kind of angry singing it, too. Simon declares it terrible. "No way!" says Zoe. Sharon asks Zoe how long she's been studying singing. "I haven't been studying it," replies Zoe, which sort of belies the "self-taught" thing, doesn't it? I mean, isn't that a form of study in itself? Why am I looking for logic here? "You've got a very explosive personality," says Dannii, which instantly makes me think of Katie Ka-Boom from Animaniacs. Hee. (Which, apparently, not far off…oops. SPOILER!-Joel)"There's something for you in the performing arts, but it's definitely not singing." "Noooooo," whines Zoe. It's a no from Sharon. "My Gooood," whines Zoe. It's a no from Dannii, and also from Louis. "Why a 'no'?" asks Zoe. "You haven't even heard my second song yet." Iiiiiiinteresting. Was she asked to prepare a second song? Because we've not seen anyone else sing more than one, but perhaps she was prepped to sing two, for ultimate humiliation because TV is an industry full of lying whores, or something. Again, why am I caring? Zoe is summarily dismissed. Sharon calls Zoe a "spoilt child" (this from the woman who raised Kelly?). Outside, Dermot's about to enquire how it went when Zoe stomps "they just said eeeeefhghjgbhjg!". The 'eeeeefhghjgbhjg' is, I suspect, a 'no' that got muffled in a hissy fit, as Zoe is currently punching the big X Factor sign on the wall. Cut back to the judging room, where Sharon is blaming the parents. (Yes, it's true. Even Sharon acknowledges how terrible and rude this girl is, and, get this, bemoans the state of parenting today. Pot, you've met kettle before?-Carrie) Karma is watching the show at home, thinking "yeah, I'm a bitch. What's your point?" Zoe complains that the judges made a fool of her. She was not, of course, complicit in this process at all. Weepy X Factor confessional. A girl shrugs that she can try again next year, and gets hugged by her mum. That doesn't seem too bad a reaction, in all honesty. Another girl weeps that nobody wants her. Oh, spare me. More weepy people, and then Zoe. A girl with running mascara bemoans the loss of her dream, before asking if she can go now please. Heh. Yeah, you bastard producers, unshackle her this instant! Have you not got your pound of flesh already?

It's still not over, because the final auditionee is mum of two Niki, who wouldn't be here today if it weren't for her father, WHO IS DEAD. (Hooray! Well, not hooray, that would be harsh, but...-Carrie) He died seven months ago, and got her the forms before he died. Apparently Niki's dad applied for the forms without her knowing, and they were discovered in his belongings after HE DIED. In which case: how does anyone know they were for her? Maybe he wanted to apply himself. Maybe he'll be applying anyway, as a ghost. Now there's your tragic story. Niki wants to make her dad (WHO IS DEAD-Joel) proud. It's a bit late, because HE IS DEAD. Niki sings 'I Will Always Love You', presumably for her dad. WHO IS DEAD. All crap aside, Niki has a nice voice. But this is nothing that Leona wasn't doing last year, and better. Is there really a place for her? But then, Leona didn't have any dead relatives that we were aware of. (Make no mistake – we’d have been aware of them had they existed.-Joel) (The cousin! The cousin for whom she sang Over the Rainbow! Was the cousin not DEAD?-Carrie) (Yes indeed.-Steve) It's a tricky one to call. Simon calls her "brilliant", and Niki is all "O RLY?" Louis declares it "effortless". Dannii tells her that she surpasses all of the other singers in her category, before entirely spontaneously asking her why she decided to apply, just so Niki can remind us all about her father, WHO IS DEAD. Four yeses, and lots of praise for Niki. Cue Whitney! "Thank God she found the application form!" says Simon. Indeed, whatever would we have done otherwise? Nicky is grateful to her late lamented father, and cries a bit.

Next week: more joy, more tears, more lunacy. Simon expels Sharon and Louis from the room. Someone with terrifying eyes cops an attitude. Joel or Carrie will lead you through it, depending on which one of them is feeling the most able to rise to the challenge (or most masochistic that day.-Carrie). See you then!

Final fantasy

"Grand" final: 16th December 2006

So here it is. Merry Christmas! Everybody's having fun. Except perhaps for Ray and Leona, who are probably vomiting in their mouths a little bit right now. Much in the same way that I'm sure we will all be vomiting in our mouths when Ray takes to the stage shortly. Before we begin on this recap of what I'm sure will be a thrill-packed and in no way overlong or bloated finale, I would like to thank the people who've been reading this blog every week for all of your kind comments. If you hadn't all been saying how much you've enjoyed reading, I doubt I'd have had the willpower to make it this far. Of course, one might argue that I'd have been better off if I'd stopped watching and/or blogging weeks ago, because I would've been spared the horror of Ray's plastic sexuality all this time. However, we all made it to the end, despite all the warbling and the judges' bickering and the boring Scottish duos and the anatomically-incorrect Scousers and the general paucity of talent this year. Well done, everyone, and thanks for sticking with me. And now, on with the show.

The search began with 100,000. Now just two remain: Leona, who loves singing and performing and really wants to win, and Ray, who also loves singing and performing and really wants to win. Gosh, this is exciting already, isn't it? They're going head-to-head for an alleged £1 million recording contract (which is of course based on a five-album deal or somesuch, and if the winner of this show makes it to his or her fifth album I'll eat my hat), and Simon claims it's "north vs south". Oh God, you did NOT just go there, Simon. I swear to God. You did this when it was Will vs. Gareth way back in 2002, back when we actually had dramatic tension and talented contestants and emotional investment, and even then we didn't care about the shitty north/south divide, so don't fucking start on that now. GOD. No wonder Louis's so obsessed with telling us where his acts are from every week. Ray goes back to Liverpool to see thousands of geographically-convenient but clearly tone-deaf fans, and Leona goes to what looks like the Hackney Empire to take it back to the streets, yo. Isn't Leona from Islington? Hmm. Our votes will change someone's life forever. Louis: "It's The Voice versus The Entertainer. I can't wait." The fact that you can sum up the grand final in those terms is precisely what's wrong with this programme. Sharon thinks it's going to be neck-and-neck. The biggest competition of the year is about to begin. Oh, please. That Sudoku I half-finished on Monday was a bigger competition than this shit.

Live studio. Judges. Sharon and Louis are basically ornamental at this point, and I'm not sure I can stand Simon's smuggery for two-and-a-half hours. Your finalists: Ray and Leona. Ray's got his Twat Pack suit on again, which isn't a good sign. Leona's wearing a pink dress and has lovely hair. Kate is wearing some kind of sparkly jacket, which still isn't the severe tailored suit I hoped for last week, but at least it's not one of those dresses that makes her look pregnant, so I'll be grateful for that and move on. Apparently tonight we're coming from across the nation, so Kate throws over to Ray's home town of Liverpool, where everybody supports Ray. I mean, maybe this is because I'm a disaffected Londoner, but I don't get this. I've never felt the need to support someone just because we share a hometown. I mean, the nearest celebrity to my hometown is Joss Stone (born in Dover, fact fans, despite being claimed by Devon later) and I can't stand that smug tongue-poking white-soul bitch. I'm not backing Leona because she's southern; I'm backing her because she's (a) the best singer here and (b) not Ray. Kate throws to Leona's supporters in East London. Huh. Maybe she's not from Islington after all, maybe that's just where she was born. Or maybe I just shouldn't trust the facts I get from Wikipedia. Kate assures us we'll be hearing lots more from them later. Oh, goody. Kate also promises lots of surprises later, which would probably be more surprising if I didn't already know that Take That and Westlife were coming on later.

So, we're finally kicking off the proceedings, and Ray is on first. Simon introduces him with the phrase "let's get ready to rumble", and if Ray actually sang 'Let's Get Ready To Rhumble' by PJ and Duncan, this might be the greatest show ever. Needless to say: it isn't, so he won't. Ray got to fly back to Liverpool on a private jet. Ray? It's December. PUT A FUCKING COAT ON. Seriously, what is with the short sleeves? Your guns aren't that impressive. If you need a scarf, then you need a coat, or at the very least, a shirt. Ray VTs that he can't believe how far he's come, and I think I speak for most of the viewing audience when I say neither can we. There's a red carpet outside Ray's house (don't be too impressed; his brothers own a carpet warehouse, remember? They probably got it at cost) and people scream for him. Ray gets to spend some time with his family. Ray's Not Bernie Nolan-mum: "Now you know that we know you were going to be the star that you are." Sadly, I doubt that's going to be the most incoherent sentence we hear this evening. 'Angels' plays in the background, and it's a good job I fucking hated that song anyway. Ray went to the shopping centre, and it was filled with people screaming his name. A sadder sight this Christmas I'm sure I will not see. I hope Santa brings them some taste. 'Let Me Entertain You' plays, and they really seem to be making Ray out to be the next Robbie Williams. I fucking hate Robbie Williams. I fucking hate Ray. So hey, that might work. Ray tells them that he's doing this not just for him, not just for his family, but "for all youse lot". Yes, I'm sure that the biggest thing on Ray's mind when he entered was to make some people he'd never met happy, and I'm sure that if he wins he will divide his £1 million prize equally between all of them. You suck, Ray. Leaving the "venue", Ray calls it the best thing to happen in his whole entire lifetime. Even better than the time he murdered the girl who was bullying him? I would've thought that was pretty special. Finally we get back to the studio and Ray takes his place on the Stool Of Tooliness. He's singing 'My Way' again, and everyone told me last time that it was wrong of me to skip ahead and not watch it because he was really good, but you guys? If it was anything like this, then you were wrong. It sucks, it's smug, it's affected, and I want to put my fist through the TV screen. He gets off the stool for the key change, because any kind of originality is strongly discouraged on this show. God, this sucks like an industrial strength vacuum cleaner. He gets a standing ovation from the judges, because they're desperate to convince us that the contestants they've found this year aren't really a colossal waste of everyone's time. Louis tells Ray he's come a really long way, and that he thinks Ray can win it. I think he's wrong. Sharon tells Ray that he definitely did it his way. It's a shame that Ray's way is basically Frank Sinatra's way with the smug factor ramped up to 98. Simon calls Ray "Teflon" because everything "just bounces off" him. Well, we've been saying for weeks that Ray's made from some kind of artificial substance. Is Simon a closet Bitch Factor fan? That would be exciting. Simon calls Ray "the favourite to win", and that's basically only true because this show has been manipulating the media to make it so. I'm so glad that I don't have to basically lie to everyone for a living, because that would really suck. Especially if I were lying to everyone for...Ray. I mean, come on. How would you sleep at night? Kate asks Ray how it feels to have achieved his big dream of making the final and to be standing on the stage. That would be the same stage he's been standing on for the past ten weeks, just so we're clear. Ray has no words, because he's secretly every bit as boring as Leona. Ray blathers his way through some thank yous, and we cross to Jeff Brazier (no, seriously) in Liverpool with Ray's supporters. There's a great moment when Jeff isn't sure whether he's live yet, and is being jostled by the screaming fangirls behind him and looks really pissed off, and then suddenly switches on the showbiz as he starts doing his piece, apparently unaware that we all just saw the bitchface. This is all bafflingly irrelevant, suffice to say that Ray's face is all "OMG! My hometown loves me!" which can't come as that much of a surprise after the events we just saw unfold in the VT, so: stop being fake, Ray. Jeff talks to the Mayor of Liverpool, who says that Ray is very very big in Liverpool, but who really means "no one told me I'd have to do this shit when I signed up for this job". I like that someone has a "Ray to Stay" poster, which I like to take as meaning "Ray to stay in London, far away from us." After the break, "Leona will be here, singing to win The X Factor!" Thanks for that, Kate. Couldn't have figured that one out on my own.

I hate the Barclaycard adverts with Julian Rhind-Tutt and Stephen Mangan almost as much as I hated the Homebase adverts with Neil Morrissey and Leslie Ash.

I wasn't looking closely enough at Kate's outfit: it's a sequinned dress, not a sparkly jacket. I don't like it as much now. To be in the final is a dream come true for Leona, who got to go back to Hackney in a limo. She waves to someone outside her chemist, or possibly to her chemist, and squees about being recognised. Somehow Leona manages to make this cute, but it's a thin line. Her dad is very proud. Leona says the whole journey has felt like a fairytale, and she's starting to feel like a popstar. Leona meets Jamie Theakston, and plays a "homecoming gig" at the Hackney Empire (I was right!). Lots of shots of Leona giggling as she performs. Her VT seemed half the length of Ray's, but maybe Ray's obnoxious personality just made his seem that much longer. Leona will be singing 'I Will Always Love You', and it doesn't appear to have the Dolly Parton-ness of the last time she did it, which is a real shame. There's a bit of wavering on her lower register, but I will give her points for actually singing, which Ray wasn't really doing in his first song. As much as I think Leona deserves to win, this performance is disappointingly karaoke, and I was hoping for something better. Louis calls it "an incredible performance" and tells Leona she's got "star quality", that she'll be "the next big girl singer from the UK" and that she'll "sell records worldwide". Sharon agrees: "If there's ever a contestant that's going to be a huge superstar, it's you, Leona." Simon says that Leona has delivered week on week, and says that he works in America a lot (this came as a huge surprise to me, I don't know about the rest of you) and that he's constantly being told that Britain will never produce someone who can represent the country on the worldwide stage (um, Elton John? Dido? U2? I'm just pulling names out of a hat, here. Possibly he's being told that our televised talent shows will never produce someone to represent Britain, and I've got to say I think that's true, and I think Simon's at least partially to blame for always backing such mediocre karaoke singing winners like Michelle McManus and Shayne Ward, but whatever) and that Leona has just proved them wrong. Well, hardly. Let's wait and see if she breaks America first, shall we? Also, if you're so sure that she's going to break America, I'd like to be the first to say that making her cover a Kelly Clarkson song for her first single is a monumentally stupid idea. Like, "hey, let's lick this kettle to see if it's still hot!" stupid, because it's going to invite comparisons, and I think Leona will be found wanting. Simon claims that Leona has come in as "the underdog" tonight (WHATEVER, again. GOD.) and that people who think she's going to walk it on her talent are wrong. I'm so sick of Simon now. Kate throws over to Myleene Klass (haha, seriously. This is awesome) in east London, who manages to make spazzy excitement look quite adorable. Bless you, Myleene. She's not a particularly skilled presenter, but all this specific job that she has requires is raw enthusiasm and the ability to form a sentence, so she should be fine. Myleene also points out that Leona is making history (WHATEVER) by being the first female through to the X Factor finals "in the world". How many countries has this format been exported to? I know it died on its arse in Australia and they only made one series, and hell, it's only on its third round in this country. It's not like she's the first female president of the United States or something. Tone it down a little, show. God. Time for another break (are you kidding me?), and Kate promises two big surprises when we return. I hope that one of these surprises is Ray being fed to a pack of wolves, and that the other is Maria taking his place and her rightful crown as the first female winner of this show, but I suspect I'll be wrong on both counts.

Back from the break, and Kate introduces a highlights package. I'm not writing about this, because I've inevitably already done it once, and it sucked the first time around. Sorry, folks, but this show is already at least an hour too long and I'm not going to pretend that this has been a vintage year because it's possibly been the worst run of this show yet. Anyway, Kate asks "who could forget this next contestant?" and we get a montage of Sean, who I'd kind of already forgotten, to be honest. I mean, there are points where they show clips of Kerry and I genuinely think for a second that she was on the show last year, because so much of this year's show has been so thoroughly unmemorable. Anyway, Sean finally gets a chance to sing 'Right Here Waiting' on the live shows, and to be honest, kind of sounds like a chipmunk. He was sweet in a pathologically nervous sort of way, but I don't think his eventual elimination was any great loss. God, there really were such slim pickings this year, weren't there? I wish this show would just admit that. Kate says that "we've all fallen in love with Sean", which: no, and sends him on his way.

Now Ray's back, and wearing a tuxedo this time. Jesus wept. Ray proves his versatility by singing yet another Rat Pack number, 'That's Life'. It's every bit as hideously stage-school as you'd expect, and just when you think it couldn't get any worse, Westlife come out to join him, and Ray MCs their intro. I am not making this shit up, I swear. I know that credibility and dignity are alien concepts to Westlife, but I thought even they were above this. And also: what's the point? If Ray's meant to be showing us what he's made of, why are these established stars intruding on his song? THIS SHOW IS SO STUPID. Kate mentions that Ray's a big fan of Westlife. Ray: "Yeah, of course - they've done a swing album!" Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrghhhhhh! I just...seriously, is this show TRYING to kill me? God, I don't think I've ever hated Ray more than I do right at this very minute. He can pretend he's some kind of swing aficionado all he wants, but if he's genuinely trying to convince us that Allow Us To Be Frank was anything other than a total abomination and a completely shameless cash-in, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to go around there with a sledgehammer and smash his moronic skull in. Ray thanks Westlife, and Kate asks Fishlips what Ray was like to work with. Fishlips forgets to hold his microphone anywhere near the aforementioned fishlips, so we don't hear the answer, but I assume it was suitably sycophantic. Kate points out that this was put together in a hurry, and they sang together for the first time last night, to which I say: yeah, we noticed. Nicky (I think, I can never tell him and Kian apart) tells us that it was an honour to work with Ray. Let this be a lesson to you all: no good can come from selling your soul to Louis Walsh. Another ad break. Fuck me.

We're back, and so is Leona, singing 'A Million Love Songs'. Ooh, I wonder who her special guests could be? She's wearing a lampshade-shaped dress that makes her look rather stocky, if I'm honest. Her version of the song is quite nice, actually: very heartfelt. Leona also gets to MC: "ladies and gentlemen: Take That!" It's like An Audience With The X Factor or something; seriously, this is so fucked up. Leona doesn't get to sing any of the second verse at all, but she harmonises very nicely on the chorus. Because God forbid she should take the lead vocal as THE CONTESTANT HERE or anything. God, this show is making me CAPS LOCK so much tonight. I can only apologise. I think it's safe to say that Leona's second performance pisses on Ray's from a great, great height, as if there were any doubt. Leona says she feels so lucky and so honoured to have sung with them, and squees that she was totally a fan back in the day. Wouldn't she have been, like, five? Then again, I was a bit too old to like Take That (even though I totally did) when they were first around, so Leona was probably the right age. There follows a moment which should secure Gary Barlow a sainthood, and I shall transcribe it verbatim: "I have to say, Leona, and Simon, this is to you, mate: you've got a big responsibility because this girl is probably 50 times better than any contestant you've ever had on this show and it's your responsibility to make her the best record you can. So please do that." Ladies and gentleman, you have just witnessed Gary Barlow calling Simon Cowell out live on TV and telling him not to peddle the same kind of shit on Leona that he normally forces everyone else to record. That's right: Gary Barlow just totally pwned Simon. Okay, it was worth sitting through this entire series just for that moment, I swear. God bless you, Gary Barlow.

So, Ray gets Westlife, and Leona gets Take That. I think we all know who's going to win now, don't we? Clips of the performances so far: Ray's marble-mouthed 'My Way', Leona's Whitney-by-numbers 'I Will Always Love You', Ray managing to outsmug Westlife on 'That's Life' and Leona being a very functional backing singer to Gary Barlow on 'A Million Love Songs'.

You are kidding me: another clip of the year's most "unforgettable" auditions, and they weren't funny the first time, and if you think I'm writing about them a second time, you can fucking forget it. Anyone wants to relive them can buy the damn DVD. What's hilarious here is that scary, dog-tripping, 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' woman Janet is included, and THEY PUT HER THROUGH TO BOOT CAMP. Seriously, show, stop making it so easy for us to mock you. Then they bring on Edna. Remember Edna? The woman who had a go at Simon when he was apparently mean to her daughter? Because that was totally your TV moment of the year, wasn't it? Never mind the season finale of Doctor Who or anything: this shit was your TV gold. This is such a fucking pantomime. Edna blows kisses to Simon. Edna tells us that she would like to apologise to Simon's mum for being rude to him, "but he deserved it". She says that she doesn't dislike Simon, and Simon apologises to Edna. Edna beckons Simon over for a hug, and Simon gets up and hugs her. Kate chides Edna for wasting time, and Edna's complete failure to understand Kate wastes a bit more time. I wonder if I can gnaw through the restraints with my teeth, or whether I still have to sit through the rest of this. Edna is here to introduce "all the real stars of The X Factor: the auditioneers (sic)". And then all of the worst performers come back to sing 'Earth Song': (Mad) Donna, Warren, Rocking Rick, Twice As Nice, Identical, some guy whom I don't even remember, another guy I don't recognise, someone else who I don't recognise who totally misses her cue, and Oncar Judge being lowered from above. Whoever thought this would be funny? YOU WERE WRONG. Most of the people this series weren't even bad enough to be memorable. There's not a William Hung amongst them, let me tell you. And again, the fact that you included Identical in this when they made it through to at least the second day of boot camp, if I remember rightly (and I do), just proves how utterly disastrous this show has been this year.

An advert for Britain's Got Talent: the statement this show has been trying to disprove for three months. Simon claims he's ready for anything we want to throw at him. Oh Simon, don't tempt me.

Kate tells us two million people have voted, and you've guessed it: It's Very Close. Ray comes on for the third and final time to sing 'Fly Me To The Moon', just in case we've forgotten where his skills lie. I want to cry at the fact that this show isn't even trying to produce a winner that can do more than one genre. Ray does some twirls and looks like a complete fucking girl in the process. His very existence upsets me so very much. I can't believe I wasted so much time hating Rudy in the early stages when I could have been directing the hatred towards Ray instead. Louis calls Ray "a true professional, and if anyone was ever a born entertainer, you are a born entertainer." The bounds of credibility get stretched further: "a couple of weeks ago, I thought you were a one-trick pony: tonight you've proved you're not." HOW, EXACTLY? Please tell me precisely at what point in the three out of three swing tracks that Ray performed he proved he was anything other than a one-trick pony? Do they think we're stupid? Perhaps it's best I don't go down that road. Sharon says there's nothing Ray can't do, except be likeable, perform something current and relevant, or have a reproductive system. She may not have said all of that out loud. Simon tells Ray he's had an outstanding night, and says that he's so happy he took a chance on Ray, that Ray's a complete dream to work with, and that he thinks Ray's on his way to winning the competition. This is bullshit, and I think even Ray knows that, judging by the bitchface I just caught in a freeze-frame. Ray says that he respects all three judges, despite the fact that they just proved they deserve respect from precisely no one. Kate asks Ray why people should pick up the phone and vote for him. Ray: "Pick up the phone and vote for both of us, because Leona's amazing and we both deserve to be here." Well, that achieved precisely nothing, didn't it? Although I really do think Ray knows he isn't really going to win, and maybe I respect him just a teensy, teensy little bit for that. Then he pulls one of those stupid faces again and I promptly stop respecting him, and all is right with the world. Kate asks him what he'd do if he won. Ray: "I'd probably curl up in a ball and die." Seriously, he actually said that, and if anything was going to persuade me to vote for him, that would be it. Kate throws to the people of Liverpool again, but it's all completely irrelevant and I so don't care any more.

Leona comes back on in a sea-green dress and does not punch Simon right in the face for saying that Ray was going to win, which is what I would have done. Instead she sings 'All By Myself', which kind of reminds me how her lower register really isn't her strong point. However, this looks like a good song choice because Leona's strength lies in her ability to empathise with the emotion behind a song, an ability that Ray lacks as a direct result of him being a robot. It's not her best performance ever (seriously, I don't think she ever bettered 'Summertime' or 'Chiquitita'), but still, inevitably, much much better than Ray. Though I suppose I should point out that since I've been ragging on Ray all evening for sticking to the same genre all night, Leona's done the same thing. I guess it's fractionally less noticeable with Leona because her genre does have a little more potential for variation in it, but either way: a little bit of diversity this evening would have gone a long, long way. Louis says that every week she delivers "100% every week", and says that she's the first girl in the UK who could compete with Mariah/Celine/Christina etc, and it's all stuff he's said before really. Also, he sounds kind of drunk. I wish I were drunk right now, it would make this so much more pleasant. Especially considering I'm a right bitch when I've been drinking. Sharon calls Leona "faultless" and says that she shouldn't have favourites but "it's a travesty if you don't win this contest". Slightly iffy grammar aside, that's the most sensible thing Sharon's said throughout this entire competition. Simon says "I think that final note may just have won you The X Factor." Simon then proceeds to address "the whole personality issue" by pointing out that a lot of these girls with so-called character are cocky bitches, and he'd take Leona's shyness any day. That's right, folks, because all confident women are complete bitches, and don't you forget it. I am so concerned about the message this show sends out to the nation. Confidence is bad! Success is something not to be encouraged in women, lest it go to their heads! Oh well, it's the bland leading the bland in this competition anyway, so what do I care? Leona says that she thinks maybe she's a better singer than a speaker (cocky bitch! She thinks she's a good singer! Stone the harlot to death!) but thanks everyone for their support. Cut to Myleene in east London, being joined by Donna, Leona's number one fan, who is slightly scary and thinks that Mariah Carey should move over. Mariah's all, "whatever, them chickens is ash and I'm lotion", or something equally scathing.

Kate welcomes back the final 12, because we can't just finish now when ITV1 desperately needs to hang on to the only show that's pulling in any ratings. They're singing 'That's What Friends Are For', and Ashley remembers his words, and Nikitta is awesome because she finally got to sing a ballad, and Robert is every bit as annoying as he was before, and Eton Road are cute in a slightly off-key way, and the MacDonald Brothers are competently boring, and Ben is gruff and looks like he took losing hard judging by his failure to shave, and Ray and Leona come on, and Ray proves that he can't sing a normal song in anything resembling the correct key, and Leona blows them out of the water. Kerry, Dionne, 4Sure and The Unconventionals don't get a solo, because we all hate them, apparently. They don't even cut to 4Sure during the "you can always count on me for sure" line, which I thought would've been a slam dunk. "How special was that?" asks Kate. Well, it was definitely "speshul", if you know what I mean.

Performance recap. We all lived through it once, I'm not writing about it again, but Leona hands Ray his anatomically-inaccurate ass on a plate. A plastic plate, naturally. Ray and Leona rejoin Kate, and Kate promises that during the results they will both sing the song that the winner will release. Shouldn't they have done that during this show? But then, I suppose we wouldn't have had room for all that lovely time spent laughing at shit auditionees. Yeah, that was choice.

Results show

Ray and Leona's journey began months ago. We re-witness Ray's father's terrifying act of child abuse, and now it's the moment we've all been waiting for, where Ray finally gets sent packing and Leona is crowned the victor. Kate tells us that over 5 million votes have been cast (and not a single one of those was mine, I'm happy to say. Okay, I voted three times to save Emma Bunton in Strictly Come Dancing and look where that got me, but still, I feel the moral victory is mine), but - and say it with me now - It's Too Close To Call. Performance recap, for about the ninetieth time this evening. Ray looks really ugly when he sings. Well, uglier. Leona's hair really does look lovely tonight, as I'm sure I've said already. But come on: there's no new material here for me to make fun of.

Take That return to the stage to show these losers how it's done, and with any luck to completely pwn Simon a couple more times before they have to go home. Gary Barlow appears to have a very large bulge. Or maybe everyone just looks like that in comparison to Ray XY. Anyway, they buck the trend of this show by not embarrassing themselves and actually being quite good. Kate promises that when we return we'll be "hearing what will become the winner's single for the very first time". Unless you've ever seen a Sandals advert, or heard Kelly Clarkson's first album.

We're back, and Kate tells us that the winner's CD will go into production as soon as the show finishes. And just to prove it, Kate crosses to Andi Peters at the CD pressing factory. OH MY GOD. This is almost as bad as the Pop Idol 2 finale when they sent the one and only Kate Thornton to the call centre where all of the votes got counted. NOBODY CARES. Apparently over a million copies have been pre-sold, despite no one knowing who's actually won yet. That depresses me. Although by "pre-sold" I have a sneaking feeling they mean "shipped to stores", rather than ordered by individual customers. Also depressing: Ray singing 'A Moment Like This'. He looks like a little kid dressed in his dad's suit, pushed in front of the family to sing for the family on Christmas day. I know that this is basically a schlocky winner's ballad that's all "winning a talent contest is a metaphor for life, really", but I do like the Kelly Clarkson version and Ray's sounds so flat and lifeless in comparison. Still, I should be grateful that he didn't get it made into a swing version, I suppose. A gospel choir gets trotted out halfway through, and there are pyrotechnics, although the performance really doesn't deserve it, to be honest. Louis tells Ray he's a fantastic role model for young people. No, Louis, he's a fantastic Airfix model for young people, ages 4-8. And there aren't any small pieces for the kids to choke on! "No matter what happens tonight, you're a winner." Except for the part where he's going to be a loser in about 35 minutes. Sharon calls it "a very hard song to sing" (which: not so much, really) and says that it's been such a pleasure going through the contest with him. Well, at least someone enjoyed it. Simon predicts that after tonight Ray will get everything he wanted out of this business. I hope one of those things is a kick in the teeth, because he's certainly earned that. Ray blathers something cringeworthy and tries to make a pun on the song title, and I won't do myself the indignity of repeating it. Kate kisses Ray on the lips, which he wasn't expecting, and she catches him with his mouth half open, which is pretty funny.

And now we have Leona, singing exactly the same song. Her arrangement is instantly more lifelike, as if we didn't already know she was going to win. Obviously the song suits her much better because it was always going to, although she doesn't have quite the same raw power as Kelly Clarkson and it still sounds a little anaemic in comparison. On the plus side, she's wearing this long, flowing dress and looks amazing. It's quite hilarious watching it, just to see how little they really expected Ray to win when you listen to his version next to Leona's. So, so far, Shayne Ward is the only X Factor winner to get an original song for his winner's single. Lucky him, eh? Leona gets the gospel choir too, except she gets a lightshow instead of pyrotechnics. Louis says that it's very, very simple: "That was world class, and you are a world-class artist. This time next year, everyone's going to know your name, and not just in the UK. I think you're going to be a world-class diva." Well, maybe we could have a year where anyone still cares about the previous winner by the time the next series starts before we start making claims like that, eh? Sharon says that Leona "saved the best to the last" (sic) and says that Leona owned the song. Simon does the whole "six months ago, a very insecure girl auditioned for us" schtick and says that Leona has proved you can be talented and also a nice person. That was never in doubt: I mean, I interviewed Kelly Clarkson once (not that I'm name dropping or anything), and not only is she hella talented, but she's also one of the nicest people I've ever met in my entire life. Seriously: before she left the room, she apologised to two people standing at the side (who were just waiting to take some photographs later and were nothing to do with the interview at this point) for not having introduced herself earlier, and stopped to have a quick chat with them. Charming as hell, she was. I think this whole "all talented women are conceited h0rs except Leona" thing is getting a bit offensive. Leona thanks the judges again. Another performance recap, with added 'A Moment Like This'.

After the ads, we go backstage to see Ray, who is feeling "scared". Er, why? "Nervous" I can understand, certainly, but "scared"? What's the worst thing that's going to happen if he doesn't win? Nobody's going to die. Unfortunately. Anyway, clip of Ray's highlights, and people lying about how likeable he is. Also amusing me greatly at this point is the fact that Ray has a blue band on his microphone and Leona has a red band on hers, so it's basically like televised SingStar. Wouldn't it be awesome if we had little green bars on the screen documenting all the off-key notes? I hope they implement that next year. Kate asks Ray what his favourite moment is, and his answer is predictably "everything". Kate tells us that they sent the X FActor pod to Liverpool, and it collected some nauseating testimonies from his family. She didn't say that last bit, I did. Leona is also feeling "nervous" and "scared", and oy with the scared already. Montage of Leona's journey. Katy points out that Leona looked like Tara Palmer-Tompkinson during her performance of 'I'll Be There' in Motown week. Leona says that she's learnt to do everything "to the fullest" from working with Simon, and thanks him for allowing her to be here. The pod went to Hackney, and there are more nauseatingly sentimental family and friends testimonies. Leona wells up at the sight of her nan.

Back form the ads again, and we cut for hopefully the final time to Jeff in Liverpool with the Ray fangirls. I am very concerned about the man holding a sign with "Ray ♥" on it. Over to Myleene in east London, trying to fight her way through the crowd who are "literally going mental" (really?) with little success. Kate welcomes Leona and Ray back to the stage for the moment of truth. Eight million votes were cast (bloody hell), and the winner of The X Factor 2006 is...Leona! There's a loud bang of a glitter cannon which clearly scares the crap out of her, which is kind of funny. Ray, to his credit, looks genuinely pleased for her, and they all make a big deal about how she's the first woman to win. They waste lots of time saying how wonderful Ray was, which is kind of crappy when this is Leona's moment. We cut back to east London, where Myleene has apparently been eaten by the baying crowd. Leona, bless her, looks absolutely stunned by the whole thing. Kate tells Leona that she's now a "bona fide superstar popstar" (here we go!) and asks her how she feels. Leona, predictably, is speechless. We cut to the CD factory and Andi Peters, where Leona's CD is going to press. Andi presses the button to get her first ever single made, and I learn that the process of making a CD looks really, really gross. Andi shows her her first ever CD, and Kate refers to her as "the bookies' favourite", which is completely at odds with the whole "you came into this the underdog" schtick from earlier. Simon says that he is possibly "the most proudest person" (sic) in the world right now, to which I say: get in line behind Leona's parents, you douchebag. Simon blows a raspberry to everyone who thinks these shows don't produce talent, because he's mature like that. Kate tells us that we can go to the website to download the single now (and apparently an awful lot of people did) and all that's left is for Leona to sing us out.

Well, there we go. Even though this year's show was a massive disappointment to most of us, the right person won, and I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful for everyone who's been reading the blog for managing to make the show fun - something the show itself failed to do. We might possibly blog about something else before the next series starts, it depends on how much free time we have and how masochistic we're feeling. If you have any suggestions of any shows you'd like us to tackle, or if you'd just like us to let you know if and when we plan to blog about another TV show, feel free to e-mail us. Otherwise, we'll probably be back next year for the fourth round, for more sob stories. You know you love it, bitches.