Someone died! Please vote for me!

Performance Show 9: 9th December 2006

Last week: the competition ended for Louis. And also, y'know, for The MacDonald Brothers, but who cares about them when there are idiot judges to put in the spotlight? Congratulations, show: you managed to demonstrate one of your biggest flaws in the first seven seconds. That's got to be some kind of record. The battle is still on for the two remaining judges, and we see/hear them bickering, because it's far more important to hear them talking about how much they want to win than it is for us to perhaps get some semblance of personality out of the contestants. No wonder the finalists in this competition are always so dull; I wonder if they don't deliberately pick people who aren't going to upstage the triumvirate of ego. Anyway, Simon wants both his acts in the final, Sharon isn't scared of Simon, and Louis is scared of both of them. What. Ever. Someone's dream ends tonight, and I really hope it's Ray's. Your Saturday night starts here, apparently. Interestingly, not only was I watching Strictly Come Dancing when all this happened for the first time, but I was also recording it as well, because some primal instinct made me set the wrong channel on the video. It's almost as if God wants me to stop watching this show. Who am I to go against God?

Anyway, there are judges, and there are finalists. In case you've spent so long staring at the judges that you've forgotten, those finalists are Ray, Leona and Ben. We're in the semi-final, and Kate's come dressed as a matronly librarian. Those huge lapels that cover her boobs are quite something. I'd like to see Kate wearing a nice tailored suit, actually; I think she could look beautifully severe if she got it right. This is sort of halfway there, but those ruffles aren't going to scare anyone. There's no theme this week, instead the contestants and judges have picked the two songs they think will get them into the final. Er, are you kidding me? Hasn't that been the underlying theme EVERY week? What kind of fuckery is this, to quote Amy Winehouse? I swear to God, just when I think this show can't get any more shamelessly half-arsed, it has to go and prove me wrong. Still, at least it's only an hour tonight; thank the heavens for small mercies.

Kate rubs some salt into Louis's no-acts wound, and fluffs Simon's ego by reminding us that he has two acts. Ray is up first, and Simon genuinely believed for the first time last week that Ray could win this. I believe it too, because I have that little faith in the voting public. Simon says that Ray's performance last week reminded them all that when they saw Ray for the first time in the auditions, they thought he could win, thus completely contradicting what he just said. Does no one check for continuity on this show at all? Ray's proud parents tell us that Ray becomes a man when he walks onto the stage, and Simon claims that Ray is the dark horse. A dark horseman of the apocalypse, perhaps? What? I'm just putting those two statements together and following them to their natural conclusion. Anyway, Ray is singing 'Smile' (as in "smile though your heart is breaking", not the Lily Allen 'Smile', because that would actually have been brilliant and we couldn't have that on THIS show, could we?), because we all know that what this competition needs right now is more cod-swing bastardisations from the amazing anatomically incorrect Ray. I am so bored of his old-soul schtick now, and the fact that every man and his dog has released a swing album by now makes me think that you don't need to be especially talented to pull it off. Ray's final note is pretty off, but fortunately for him it gets drowned out by the Pavlovian rapturous applause from the idiotic audience, who appear to be under the misapprehension that they've just witnessed a semi-final standard performance as opposed to some half-arsed crooning. Sharon reiterates Simon's dark horse story, and tells Ray that he's definitely not a one-trick pony, despite the fact that he does the exact same performance every week. Sharon makes no fucking sense. Louis tells Ray that he loves Ray's work ethic, and thinks Ray has the best personality of the three remaining finalists. Ray's personality sucks ass, as we've all seen, so that reflects pretty badly on Leona and Gentle Ben. Simon thinks Ray is one song away from getting through to the final. God help us all. (I apologise for the amount of times I've invoked God so far. I'm getting desperate.)

After the break, we're still with Simon, so obviously Leona's next. Leona really enjoyed singing 'Without You' last week. Sharon thinks Leona is very special, and Simon thinks she's consistently the best vocalist in the competition. Well, DUH. She wipes the fucking floor with everyone else vocally, and if this were an actual singing competion she could win it from three streets away. Unfortunately you're misguided enough to make it into some kind of cult of personality, which means that Ray will probably win the bloody thing. Still, at least that way the whole thing would be confirmed as the utter joke we always suspected it was. But I digress. Leona feels like she's in another world when she's on stage. Her mum doesn't want this to end. Leona thinks the first audition seems like such a long time ago, and never expected to get this far. Simon thinks it's easy to assume she's a certainty for the final, but her lack of confidence could be her downfall, which Louis echoes. Leona tells us she is getting more confident. Don't get more confident, Leona! All the girls will think you're a bitch! Simon thinks Leona needs to give the performance of a lifetime, so let's see what she's got up her sleeve. She's wearing a polka-dot dress which possibly came from the Thornton School of Ill-Advised Wardrobe Choices. She's singing 'I Have Nothing', and I think she's actually a bit sharp at the beginning. She's certainly a little bit wobbly. However, as we probably all expected, she hits her stride in the chorus and sells the key change like the kids need new school clothes. There's an impressive bit of melisma and vibrato at the end that turns it from a Whitney into a Christina, but I still think she's had better performances. Louis starts to talk, but Leona isn't even looking at him; she's gazing into the audience and grinning, which possibly won't do her any favours. A lifetime of experience of watching shows like this tells me that the voting public do not like girls who acknowledge their applause, because apparently that makes them bitches. It's fine for men to do it, just not girls. Please note: I do not have a problem with it. I'm just acutely aware that people seem keen to find any excuse to tear strips off pretty young girls with nice voices and make them out to be heartless whores or something. Anyway, when the audience finally shuts up and Leona can actually hear Louis, and gives him her full attention, he tells her that if there's any justice she'll be in the final. Sharon calls Leona "superb" and says she hasn't faltered through the whole contest. Simon tells her that it's easy to assume she'll be in the final, but begs the audience to vote because he's so proud of what she's achieved. This makes me worried that Ray is actually getting more votes than she is. Simon adds that Leona has grown more than any act in the competition, and Kate encourages us to vote for Leona.

Sharon's intro is short: "Vote for Ben! Vote for Ben! Eeee!" or something to that effect. Desperation is such a turn-off, Sharon. We flash back to last week when it was down to Gentle Ben and the Righteous Brothers for the final place in the semi-final, and Gentle claims he was crapping himself. Sharon says that she was so unsure what was going to happen, but then Kate said his name and she felt Ben's hand squeeze and...hold on, is she writing some kind of erotic novel here? Ewww. Back to the auditions (with added Paula!) and to Gentle Ben's progress throughout the competition. Gentle has had times where he's wondered if he's really good enough for this. Louis adds that Gentle Ben has problems with his confidence, and this is the first we've heard of this. If you want to do an "OMG, I don't believe in myself" tragedy, you need to establish that much earlier on. You don't wait and go, "ooo, hang on, that's really working for Leona, why don't we try that?" in the last two weeks. Simon thinks Gentle needs to lighten up. Sharon sees how much he wants and needs it, and Gentle says that getting to the final means everything to him. Ben's singing 'Everything I Do (I Do It For You)', and for some reason I feel like someone's already done this in the finals. I mean, I don't think that is actually the case, but everything's starting to feel so predictable and familiar at this stage, and all I want is for someone to do something that displays a bit of individuality and charisma, like deciding to sing 'Let's Make Love And Listen To Death From Above' or something. Actually, they wouldn't even need to do something as leftfield as that; I'd settle for some Girls Aloud or some Sugababes or even some McFly, just something to prove these people can be relevant to the modern pop music scene. ANYway, Gentle Ben's on the Westlife Memorial Stool Of Sudden Key Change Movement, and of course gets up during the middle eight. He really needs to learn how to work the mic stand, because he just has his hand on the top and sort of sways it about a bit, which rather betrays a lack of conviction to my mind. Put your back into it, Gentle Ben. He gravels his way through the rest of the song adequately enough, and the audience go nuts as usual. Simon thinks that was Gentle's best performance in weeks, and wishes no one had to go home because no one deserves to go home on the basis of the first three songs. Except Ray, and I really can't say that enough. Louis thinks Gentle deserves to be in the final, but people have to pick up the phones and vote. Golly, and to think at this stage I still wasn't sure how this competition worked. Sharon says that Gentle Ben nailed it, and that is that. Kate opens the voting lines (sadly without cutting a ribbon) and reminds us to come back for the finalists' second songs, which will be a something mawkish done in a swing style from Ray, a big ballad for Leona and a rock-pop track for Gentle Ben. Unless they suddenly pick this opportunity to confound us with their range, but I'm not hopeful.

Oh God, ITV2 is doing a programme on Michelle Heaton and Andy Scott-Lee's wedding day. Who would want to watch that? Except for scientists discovering the debilitating effects of tanorexia, I suppose.

"For the final time, it's Ray." Good God, I hope so. Ray says this next song is in his heart, it's grown up with him, it's where he's from. Simon says they've always wanted someone to represent Liverpool, "home of the Beatles". Yep, and I'm sure Ray is the spiritual successor to the founders of modern pop music. Do me a fucking favour. Ray is, of course, singing 'You'll Never Walk Alone' in an off-key Frank Sinatra style. How entirely uncynical. Look! He loves his home! He's so empathetic about Hillsborough! This is in no way shamelessly engineered to tug at your heart strings! Hilariously, Ray is singing this with a look on his face like he's mightily pissed off at someone, and with all kinds of crappy amateur musical theatre affectations. Please get him off my television screen now. He's getting wobbly on the high notes, and let me tell you: he does not have the voice or the personality for torch-singing. There's one impressive glory-note at the end, I will give him that, but it doesn't counteract the sizeable number of what I will politely call "iffily-pitched notes". Ray cries at the end, of course. Louis tells him it was an amazing performance and that Ray should be proud. STOP FUCKING CRYING, RAY. You cannot possibly have found that moving because you have no soul. You are made of plastic and Brylcreem and human emotions are an alien concept to you, so stop turning on the waterworks to make people vote, or I will come down there and really give you something to cry about. Sharon, of course, draws attention to Ray's blubbering by telling him that he's setting her off. Oh, spare me. Simon says that on the day he put Ray through the finals, Ray said he wouldn't let Simon down, "and you haven't". Vomit. Kate asks Ray why the tears, as if we can't fucking guess, and Ray is all "it means a lot to my family and some people I know, so I sang it for them, really." He sang it for his family! And the people of Liverpool! He's the people's hero! Fuck off.

"Final time tonight, it's Leona." Now see, that's interesting. Note how Ray was on "for the final time", and Leona was on "for the final time tonight". Possibly a genuine coincidence, but possibly also Simon being very sure indeed that she won't be singing us out in the results show. I dunno, I'm reaching here, but I still thought it was interesting. Leona is dedicating this song to a very special family member, WHO IS DEAD. Seriously, I have had the sob stories right up to here now. I thought that once Kerry and Nikitta had been sent packing, we'd be spared all this "pleeeease feel sorry for my tragic life" bullshit, so why is it all being dredged up again? Leona breaks down in the VT as she talks about her cousin, WHO IS DEAD. It's not about winning the competition, she says, but about giving something back to her cousin and her family. Yes, and it has nothing to do with ensuring that all-important final push for votes that a bit of tragedy assists with nicely. I like Leona and all, but this stuff is not freaking necessary. Of course, Leona is singing the Eva Cassidy version of 'Over The Rainbow', and doing a fairly nice job of it, but to be honest I'm already prejudiced against this performance because they seem to want to guilt me into liking it, and implying that I'm some kind of heartless bastard who dances on dead children's graves if I don't vote for her. Plus, it's just such a predictable song choice, in that I've seen several people table this song for Leona at some stage in the competition. Anyway, it finishes and Simon gives her a standing ovation. Leona starts to weep a little bit as well, but gets it under control, thankfully. Sharon says that Leona "leonified" the song and owned it, and to her credit, I will say that that was one of the times where it didn't feel like a complete carbon copy of someone else's version, so well done to her for that. Sharon wants Leona to believe in her ability. Louis tells her that he's looking at "the X factor and star quality"; that she's got it all. Simon thinks that her lack of awareness of how good she is is what makes her a special performer. Simon says it was the single best performance he's ever witnessed. Personally I thought Katherine McPhee's performance on American Idol had the edge on it, but then I'm not trying to get my act into the final here. Leona says that song meant a lot to her, but you will notice she does not turn on the waterworks at this stage, and so I forgive her a little bit for that completely mawkish intro. Kate tells us that we'll need our tissues for Gentle Ben's final performance, and by the way this evening has been going I can only assume he's going to sing it from his own deathbed or something.

Back from the ads, and Sharon's final intro: "Vote vote vote for Ben!" Oh dear. Gentle Ben will be singing his favourite song, and tells us that when he was little, he told his mum he wanted to be a singer, and she told him to go for it. She's always been supportive, even when he was busking and had no money (before he became the Best Tent Erector EVAR, presumably), and so this one's for her. BECAUSE SHE IS DEAD. Whoops, except she's not. Seriously: that's your sob story? I hate to break this to you Gentle Ben, but "I love my supportive mummy" just doesn't cut the mustard at this stage. She needs some kind of incurable-yet-photogenic disease at the very least. He sings 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For', and I'm drawn to his terrible posture. Is it rock and roll to be all hunched over like that? It looks very uncomfortable. Maybe they need to raise his mic stand a little bit. Anyway, he gravels his way through it in his usual technically-accurate-yet-oddly-unexciting way, and there's even a moment where the key change kicks in and he looks a bit lost because he realises he's already standing up. Simon tells him it was his best performance of the competition so far. Louis says that he always thought Gentle Ben should be in the final, and people should vote for him because he could be a major recording artist. Hmmm. Sharon says that she finally sees the passion in him finally, and "I could smack you, but you're there!" Gentle Ben says that it's taken him a while to realise, but now he's in the semi-final and he's realising how big it all is. Kate asks him what it would mean to make the final next week, and he says that that's his dream, and I really need some kind of macro for "like, DUH".

Recap: Ray proved he wasn't a one-trick pony by doing what he does every week, Leona grabbed another Whitney out of her Big Book O' Ballads, Gentle Ben did Bryan Adams because somebody had to at some point, Ray sang for Liverpool and cried fat fake tears, Leona sang 'Over The Rainbow' for all the dead people in the world, and Gentle Ben loved his mum. Kate tells us that 1.5 million votes have already been cast this evening (holy smokes), and reminds us to return for the results and a Very Special Performance from Gloria Estefan.

Results

Earlier tonight, Ray and Leona sang for Simon, and Gentle Ben sang for Sharon. No one sang for Louis, because he sucks. Only two acts can make the final, because we were desperate for publicity earlier in the series and kicked two acts out in the same week, thus leaving us with an extra week to fill. It's The X Factor! Kate tells us that three million votes have been cast, and that the positions have been changing constantly, and that it's simply too close to call. You've cried wolf too many times, Kate. Sorry, but I plain don't believe you. Kate also tells us that we can catch the finalists live on tour next year. I'd like not to believe that as well, but sadly I know it's going to happen.

This week's special guest star, who apparently wasn't special enough to mentor the contestants this week, is the queen of Latin pop, Gloria Estefan. Aww, and she's even brought the Miami Sound Machine with her! I loved Gloria Estefan so much when I was a kid, and kind of still do. She sings a medley of 'Anything For You', 'Can't Stay Away From You' and 'Rhythm Is Gonna Get You' (including a shout-out to Simon, oh dear) and barely looks any older than I remember her, which is pretty impressive, even if she falls foul to the curse of the X Factor guest by pulling some slightly ropey vocals out of the bag. It's a shame we didn't have a Gloria Estefan theme week, but I know they did that on American Idol (in season three, I think) and it's widely regarded as one of the biggest car crashes in the entire history of the show, so I can perhaps understand their reasons.

Kate crosses to the finalists, who are nervous and all love each other, but all want to be back for the final next week. That's basically what it all amounts to. Kate's hair appears to be weighing her down at this stage - it's gone all bouffant-y and looks like it's going to eat her entire head if she makes one false move. Gentle Ben says he's not going to beg people to vote for him because he's just happy to be doing what he loves. I have a feeling that might come back to bit him in the ass in a few minutes. Adverts!

Kate tells us that the vote tally is now 3.5 million, and welcomes back the judges and their "semi-finalists", which sounds weird when she's been referring to them as the "finalists" for all the weeks prior to this. Simon comes back with Leona and Ray, and Sharon comes back with Gentle Ben. Louis is already sitting at the desk. Hee. Kate says that because the result is so tight, they're just confirming who will be going home. In no particular order, the first act through to next week's final is Leona, who cries. One question: can this really be "no particular order" now? If they're going to have a bottom two, then surely Leona got the highest number of votes? Kate reiterates that the results are being revealed in no particular order, but one of them has polled the lowest number and will be going home. Oh, fine, be like that. The second act through to the final is...audience favourite Ray, who practically falls over with smug joy. Ray hugs Gentle Ben, and Simon hugs Sharon. Gentle is happy, and tells Kate that he's done well to get this far. Kate tells him that there was 3% separating all three of them. Huh. They pulled that shit during the semi-final of American Idol this year, where they claimed the votes came down to 33% each and it all came down to a tenth of a percent or something, and it didn't stop Taylor Hicks absolutely trouncing Katharine McPhee in the final. Votes-wise, I mean. Personally I thought he was a twitchy, smug, massively overrated cunt who didn't deserve to win, but I wasn't allowed to vote. We watch Gentle Ben's journey, wherein apparently he brought "real rock 'n' roll" to the competition. Gentle Ben vows to continue singing, and sings out with 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'. Oh, sweet irony. He looks kind of pissed off singing it, and I'd be pissed off too if I'd been pipped to the final by Ray, of all people.

So, next week it's the battle of the 16-24s to take the crown once and for all. And just so you know, I reserve the right to track down anyone who votes for Ray, chop their fingers off and feed them to my dog. I don't have a dog, but I will get one from somewhere if that's what it takes. Kate invites Ray and Leona back onto the stage. Kate reminds Leona that she's the first lady to sing in an X Factor final, and reminds Ray that he's the Trojan horse. Er, I mean, "a dark horse". So, they'll be back next week, and then it'll all be over. Hooray!

The Changingmanilow

Performance Show 8: 2nd December 2006

I can't quite believe this show is still on. It feels like it's devoured my entire life. However, being so close to the finish line, I can't give up now. Hopefully you'll forgive me if I'm a little less in-depth than I sometimes am, but I'm finding it so hard to give a shit. So, last week: the dream ended for boyband fans and lovers of homoeroticism everywhere as Eton Road were sent home. Inexplicably, Ray and the MacDougall Brothers were saved by the public vote again. Incidentally, someone suggested in the comments last week that the "MacDougall Brothers" moniker is rather old hat now, so I shall be experimenting with different names for them during this writeup. Maybe we'll find a new permanent one. Maybe they'll actually go this week, and it won't matter? Anyway, the dream is still alive for four acts: Ray, Leona, the Doobie Brothers and Ben. They'll be fighting for a place in the semi-final. Sheesh. In normal circumstances, this would BE the semi-final. I hate this programme. Apparently this week it's all down to the public vote, which finally means no bullshit judging decisions. The judges lay out their fighting words, which I won't bother to repeat here because they've obviously been cribbed from the main show anyway. Cue titles and sense of impending doom!

Judges, finalists. We know who they all are, so I'm not wasting time writing about them. Ray's dressed like your dead grandfather again. It's slightly confusing how they talk about next week being the semi-final, yet refer to these acts as "the finalists". My brain, she hurts. Kate Thornton Dresswatch: A sort of cerise-purple affair that hangs from one shoulder and appears to have buttons to prevent her cleavage from spilling out. Interesting choice. At first I thought the strap had a flower on it, but it just appears to be tied in a big knot. She's worn worse, I suppose. So, everybody's singing twice again (spare me), and for the first song tonight everyone will be bastardising a Barry Manilow song. I wasn't even sure that was possible. The special guests are getting tiresome, actually - not because I don't want to see a professional giving advice on this show, but because so many of them were doing the exact same thing on the last season of American Idol. Can they not get some people who are a bit more relevant to the contemporary music scene? I mean, give them a week with Xenomania or Cathy Dennis or something. That would rock. Seriously: they should have a "songs written by Cathy Dennis" theme week. Anyway, I digress. Barry Manilow's face looks kind of weird. There must be some serious botox in there. He looks a bit like Barbara Cartland. Pre-decomposition, obviously. He'll be giving his thoughts on tonight's performances in the results show, and presumably giving his actual thoughts in the tabloids on Monday.

We start with Louis and "two of the nicest people I've met in a long, long time": the Righteous Brothers. They got positive feedback from Simon last week for doing a Proclaimers song, although Simon VTs that they're still not good enough for the competition, and he's worried that they're getting confident. Louis thinks they can make the semi-final now. Barry loves their harmonies, but does offer some constructive criticism about their stage presence, and does a completely awesome impression of what they look like on stage. Seriously, it's great: he just acts like his spine suddenly disappeared and sort of swings around by his hips and gazes blankly to the left and to the right. Who would've thought that Barry Manilow would be the one to put the most accurate burn on the Outhere Brothers? Not I, that's for sure. He suggests they pick a focal point for the girl they can't smile without (yep, they're doing 'Can't Smile Without You', and when the acts on this show start performing songs that I learned to play on the keyboard when I was nine, that's when I consider giving up and getting some kind of intravenous injection of vodka) and not take their eyes off her. If they end up directing this to Sharon, I may be violently sick. Blond Brother, aka The Only Brother Who's Allowed To Talk, rats out his bitches (which is a big no-no, just ask Janice Dickinson) and tells Barry that Simon's, like, really mean to them. Barry basically tells them that people have been saying mean things about him for his entire career and so they should just shut the fuck up, dammit. I may have been paraphrasing there. It's all down to the public vote, Simon doesn't have a say any more, and they're ready for anything. Let's see how that works out, shall we? My God, the arrangement of this song is so anaemic. It's like a strong wind could just blow it right over. This is actually a pretty pisspoor performance, if I'm honest. You should not sound this bored when you're performing a love song. That's surely not a hard concept to grasp? I know 'Can't Smile Without You' is hardly the most exciting song of all time, but they really need to find some inspiration here, and if it means doing that creepy thing where they look into each other's eyes and sing love songs to each other, then so be it. Also, Blond is doing exactly what Barry told him not to do: looking all over the place. Quite a few of the notes are really flat on this one, too. That's actually quite unlike these guys: they're normally duller than an extended episode of Celebrity Love Island, but at least they're generally very technically proficient. I wonder what went wrong here. The song goes on forever and ever, and the key change picks things up briefly, but not for long. The final note is flatter than Nicole Richie's stomach. Sharon tells them that the audience love them, and calls it a "feelgood song" to open with. She thinks they sang it nicely, but thinks they were "a bit off" on the note at the end. Simon: "A bit?" Hee. They make some kind of excuse about the backing track and it being "deliberate", which I don't quite understand. Saying that the key of the backing track was different to the one you'd been practising in or something I could understand, but saying that you deliberately sang off-key? You might do that if you were in some kind of experimental alt-rock band, but not on this show. The public don't make those kind of distinctions; they just hear a note that made the cat run into the kitchen and decide to vote for someone else. The viewers, not the cat. Simon isn't swayed by the excuse. Simon thought it was their weakest performance so far, and gets booed even though he's right. He points out that he liked them last week, but that you need personality to get away with a cheesefest like 'Can't Smile Without You', and the Pointer Sisters (I'm running out of band names with 'Brothers' in the title right now, or at least ones that spring directly to mind) do not have personality. Louis tells them he wants them to make the final three, and that people should vote for them because they deserve it, and it was a good performance. Lies, lies, lies. Also, I think I may have finally learnt that Craig is the blond one and Brian is the silent one, though I could still be wrong.

Ray's up after the break. Ray says that last week's performance was, for him, amazing. He inserts that qualifier because it was gut-wrenchingly awful for everyone else. Simon thinks Ray earned his spot in the final four last week by proving he's a singer and not just an entertainer. Still hasn't proved that he's good at anything beyond eye-gougingly smug renditions of swing music though, has he? We recall Sharon saying that it was his best vocal performance so far, and Ray says that's what he was waiting for "all week". Not all series, you'll note. "All week". You know he was just rehearsing and thinking "I'm going to get such great feedback for this, because I'm the bestest ever!" I hate him so much. We flashback to Louis bleating that Simon prefers Leona to Ray, and Simon points out that he puts the same amount of work into both of his acts. Ray says that Simon's always made the right decisions where he's concerned, which: lies. Ray says he is a little fighter and wants to make the most of every day he's here. Ray says that meeting Barry Manilow was amazing, because he's a legend. Barry's a legend, not Ray, although you suspect that Ray secretly thought it was an honour for Barry to be meeting Ray too, because he's a complete goon that way. Ray will be singing 'Mandy', of course, because it wasn't enough to have Westlife destroy that song, we need Ray to put his own unique stamp on it too. Jesus wept. Barry gives Ray the same advice he gave the Chemical Brothers, which is to direct the song to one specific person. Incidentally, in this insert, Ray looks more like a mannequin than ever before. His hair looks plastic, and he's standing to attention in this really creepy, unnatural way. Also, his clothes are too tight again, and it's making me retch. Just stop it, right now. Ray hugs Barry and it's plastic fantastic, right there. He even walks onto the stage like Action Man, it's creepy. His performance is every bit as passionless as Brother Beyond's, and he can't enunciate the word "without". That's all I'm willing to say, because I'm hoping that if I don't pay him any attention he'll just disintegrate or something. Louis calls it a very convincing performance (lies), Sharon thinks he's stopped doing the song-and-dance man and calls him a singer, and declares the performance "elegant". Simon says that they had to change the arrangement last night (it's hard to see precisely what they did to it) and Ray's only had a day to learn it, so y'know we should all vote for him because of that. Shut up, Simon. He says it wasn't the best he's heard Ray sing that, and he has to work a bit harder the second time around. Somehow I get the feeling that was all planned just so he can go "THAT'S what I'm talking about!" after the second song. Yeeesh.

Kate introduces "the ravishing Sharon", who in turn giggles and introduces "a ravishing Ben". Why did anyone give her her own show? She's so stilted and awful. Sharon thought it was over for her last week because Gentle Ben was always Simon's biggest threat. She was very surprised that Simon didn't play dirty by getting rid of Gentle Ben. Simon thinks he may have shot himself in the foot, but it was the right thing to do. Tell that to the Eton Road fans. Gentle Ben thinks he could be going home, and looks all emo with some stubble and a grey overcoat in a leaf-covered garden. Barry advises Gentle Ben to find the truth in 'I Made It Through The Rain', which shouldn't be difficult after last week. Gentle Ben has not mastered the art of waving whilst wearing a suit, because his jacket rides up all over the place when he tries. Something about this song makes Gentle Ben very fey, which is rather alarming. He looks kind of lost without his Piano of Rawk Contrivance. He gets up from his stool during the key change, which makes me think he's secretly been mentored by Louis. Simon says that he likes Gentle Ben doing this stuff best, without the gimmicks, and thought it was very good. Louis found it very "believable" and that he didn't pick a typical Barry Manilow song. Sharon says she can't add anything because Gentle Ben's performance spoke for itself, which is Sharonese for "I shall make a virtue out of my lack of vocabulary". Gentle Ben is happy with his feedback, and would like your votes, kthnx.

Back from the ads, and we're with Leona, the only remaining girl as they keep reminding us. She enjoyed doing an uptempo song last week, and Simon points out that Leona is unaware of how good she is, despite the constant good feedback. Sharon thinks Leona has a truly spectacular voice, but isn't sure that she has the X factor. I'm not sure anybody has had the X factor in three whole series of this shit, with the possible exception of Maria, and look what happened to her. Simon says that this is the point where the contestants start to change (presumably into little madams, just like Ray's been all along), but he's not seen that from Leona so far. She says she's just an East End girl at heart, and feels blessed to be here, etc etc. Leona will be singing 'Could It Be Magic' (no one's singing 'Copacabana'? Swizz!) and Barry's only feedback is "thank you for making my song sound so beautiful". Leona is touched, obviously. Her skin looks really bad in her VT, though. Was the make-up artist asleep that day? I'm not too keen on her outfit, either. The top's okay, but wearing it with leggings? I'm not so sure. She's a bit wobbly on the first few notes, but there's a very nice clarity of phrasing in there. I'm probably starting to sound like a Leona evangelist, but once again she's actually injecting the song with some feeling, which makes so much difference. I'm not sure she's terribly well-served by the cheesy eurodisco beat that comes in after the first verse, but it's still the best performance of the night by a mile. My housemate John hates this show, but feels compelled to point out that her voice is faultless and wonders why they're bothering to actually have the competition since she's so much better than everyone else. Ah, if only John were director of programmes at ITV. Louis says he's trying to find something negative to say, but can't. What a lovely compliment. Sharon says it was fun to see her dancing, and she looks cute, and she always sings superbly. Simon declares her performance "simply sensational". Kate manages to fluff Leona's name three times when reading out the voting numbers, which is kind of funny. Possibly less funny if you're Leona, mind.

Kate crosses over to Barry backstage, to fill some time. Sorry, "to get his opinions". Barry thought they were all great, and couldn't pick a favourite, of course. He cracks a joke about the best singer being Simon, which goes down like the proverbial lead balloon. He thinks everyone made the song their own, which I'd dispute on a few counts. There's a quick recap of the performances because the voting lines have opened, and they can't bear to have the show run for less than 90 minutes even when there are only four contestants left. Even in recap form, Leona wipes the floor with the others.

When you watch the ads on fast-forward, it looks a bit like Gary Barlow is "from the makers of Shrek". Hee.

For the second performance of the evening, the acts have chosen their own song without assistance from the judges. Louis begs the audience to help him as he introduces the Blues Brothers. I think we're all begging for support from a higher power at this point. They'll be singing a song they used to sing all the time as wedding singers, which doesn't bode well. They'll be singing 'Shang-A-Lang'. I've never heard it before and I'm rather glad of that fact. I wonder how many couples got divorced as a direct result of having these guys play at their wedding? They're wearing tartan ties, which is sort of interesting if you're desperate to find something about them to talk about. They get a standing ovation from Louis, but not from anyone else. Simon's comments: "you know what? I surrender. I don't think this has got anything to do with singing any more. I'm going to make a prediction: I think this is your final week." Boos from the audience, predictably. Louis disagrees, predictably. Sharon's not going to predict anything, because she's not Mystic Meg, she's Mrs O. Can they not find a slightly more topical psychic to reference than Mystic Meg? Possibly I watch too many cheesy TV shows, but I would've invoked Phoebe Halliwell or Sam Winchester here. Or Jennifer Love Hewitt, or Patricia Arquette...there's hardly a shortage, is there? Oh God. I just had a mental image of Sharon doing Jennifer Love Halfwit's (^TM Joel) role in The Boob Whisperer and now I feel rather ill. Where's the brain bleach? She tells them they've made everyone here very happy. Simon: "Not everyone." Sharon asks Simon if he likes anyone, which is stupid because he likes Ray, Ben and Leona. Louis says that people like them, blah blah blah. Silent Brother says that they're doing it for the public, which is boring but at least he spoke for once, right?

Ray says that his second song is really him, and it's got "Ray Quinn" stamped all over it. I think it's got "cunt" stamped all over it, then. Simon says that when Ray told him what song he'd picked, Simon dropped the phone. Apparently the song's directed at Sharon and Louis. Ray is singing 'My Way', of COURSE. He's so smug that I'm going to fast-forward through this. Sorry, but no one's paying me and even if you were, there is no money in the world that could convince me to listen to that. Sharon and Simon give him a standing ovation. Sharon says that he sang with "such great emotion" and that he gave it "200 million percent of your soul". Ray doesn't have a soul, Sharon. Sharon says he's like a little Jack Russell that just won't go away. Katy: "Kick it, then." Can Katy replace Sharon on the next series of this show? Louis agrees with Sharon and calls Ray one of the most professional acts in this contest. That would be why this contest is such shit, then. Simon says that Ray deserves a place in the semi-final based on that performance, and that he's proud of Ray. I didn't even watch the performance, but I still know that's bullshit. Ray's all "if I'm here next Saturday, I'll still be doing it my way." KILL HIM NOW. Kate kisses him on the cheek and then rubs it off, which makes me laugh. It's like she's his auntie or something.

Gentle Ben has apparently picked a really big song, and knows he has to do something really special. Oy, there's a choir. Gentle Ben stands at the front and acts like he's conducting them, which makes me kind of hate him. Anyway, he's singing Queen's 'Somebody To Love', with just the choir for backing, and not doing it nearly as well as Elliott Yamin on American Idol (or indeed as the original), acapella or not acappella. And if the whole thing's acapella, why was he rehearsing with a keyboard? This is so fucking self-indulgent, and the sort of thing that I'd expect from...well, Ray. I didn't enjoy that at all. Dave (I'm watching with a lot of people this week) notes that he "pussied out of doing any high notes", which is a good point. Simon and Louis both declare it a "brave" performance, and cram it with that word already. It's not like he ran into a burning building to rescue some orphans. Sharon says that she's seen Ben do stuff like this all the way through and that he constantly works hard to take things to another level, etc etc. Gentle Ben gayvoices that he'd like to thank the choir for learning it all so quickly, and thanks the judges for the comments, and says that his performance "had to be risky". Yeah, because no one ever got anywhere on a televised talent show by appealling to the lowest common denominator or anything. (Did you call?-Lois Common-Denominator)

Simon wondered if Leona could have perhaps chosen an easier song for her choice, but Leona was adamant because she used to listen to this on the radio all the time and wish it was her singing it. She's standing in a diamond-shape made of candles, and will be singing 'Without You'. No doubt as you read this you're imagining in your head what it'll sound like, and you'll be on the money: very Mariah-like, very proficient, a little bit too much like the radio version for comfort. I preferred her first performance, but this is still enough to mark her at the head of the pack. At the end, the crowd starts chanting her name, which I suspect was planned all along. Sharon says it was "beautifully sung", Louis says that she's going to be an absolute star of the kind that the UK hasn't had for a long time. Simon begs us all to vote for Leona and not to assume that she's safe, and thinks it's astonishing that she doesn't know how good she is. Someone in the audience screams so hard that I think they're actually dying. Leona thanks the judges, and Barry Manilow. Apparently it's her lifetime's ambition to sing that song in front of an audience, and it was everything she dreamed and more. I'd rather Leona's brand of humble than Ray's smug jokes, but yawn, all the same.

Kate reminds us that it's all down to the votes this week, and we get another performance recap. Bros were probably the worst they've ever been, Ray inspired people who are normally pacifists to arm a Scud missile and direct it right into his stupid smug mouth, Gentle Ben played on the fact that he almost got kicked out last week, and Leona was too good for this show, as usual.

Kate reminds us to stick around for All-Star Family Fortunes with Vernon Kay. Surely that's a contradiction in terms? Anyway: Thornton out.

Results

You know the drill: earlier this evening people sang for your votes, and for once your votes actually decided who stays and who goes. Kate returns and says that it's the biggest vote of the series at three million, but it's still unclear who's going home; there are just a few votes in it. Bullshit. Big fat bullshit. If you want us to believe that, then don't say it every damn week. Kate tells us that the official DVD of the auditions goes on sale on Monday, and speaking as someone who watched all of those shows on TV, why would anyone want that on DVD? It was boring as fuck.

Barry Manilow is back, and singing 'Everybody Loves Somebody', and looks a bit like he's having a seizure. I can't be too rude about him though, because of the aforementioned awesome burn on the Everly Brothers. Dave shares his theory that Barry Manilow is actually Martin Short in a costume, which I resolve to examine in more detail later. Barry tells Kate that the second performances were stronger because the contestants chose the songs themselves. Kate pushes him to find out who really shone tonight, and he sticks to the "Simon" argument. He wishes them all the best and refuses to choose. How boring.

Backstage, everyone now fits onscreen at the same time. Brothers, Can You Spare A Dime? (okay, I'm getting desperate) say that they weren't despondent over Simon's comments because they've had that every week. Kate asks Ray why people should vote for him, and even he can't think of a good reason. Gentle Ben is nervous because he was in the bottom two last week, and Kate calls his performance "brave" again and I'm getting very sick of that word. Leona's really nervous and wishes everyone the best of luck, because she's talented but rather bland.

Back from the ads, we're just one minute away from finding out who's going home. 3.5 million votes have been cast, and Leona had better be at the front by a very wide margin, or I will be forced to break some kneecaps. Kate invites the acts and judges back onto the stage, and the people coming back are, in no particular order: Ray and Leona. Kate gathers Gentle Ben and Shakespear's Sister together before breaking the news that Ben is safe and the He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brothers will be going home, finally. We get the montage of their time in the competition, which goes on far too bloody long. They thank the judges, and Kate reminds Louis that he's out of the competition this year. Louis: "I know, but I won last year!" Somewhere, Shayne Ward clears his throat very loudly, but no one's listening. The MacDonald Brothers (it seems only fair to call them by their real name at least once) sing us out with 'Shang-A-Lang'.

Next week: Semi-final. Ray had better be bloody going, or I will cut a bitch.

Like the one in a film I'd seen

Performance Show 7: 25th November 2006

I had another of my X Factor premonitions this morning: I woke up with this really vivid feeling that I knew who'd gone out of the show last night. My gut instinct was telling me that Eton Road and Leona would be in the bottom two, with Eton Road going home. It was so vivid that I was visualising news reports talking about it, and everything. Now, I'm not going to say at this point whether my vision was right or not; I just wanted to draw everyone's attention to the deleterious effect this show is having on my sanity. Seriously: it can't end soon enough. (And yes, I'm aware that a vision of something that happened in the past is more of a postmonition than a premonition, but I believe my point still stands, so be quiet.) Anyway, on with the show.

Last week: Louis threw a hissy fit with the acts who were in the bottom two; Simon voted to send Robert home, and not before time. This week there is destined to be drama aplenty, with Leona falling ill, and other stuff like that there. The exuberant voiceover welcomes the judges, and Sharon is wearing some kind of alarming wrap-type thing that makes it look like she could smother you without moving her arms. The finalists come onto the stage, and Ray is wearing another 1950s style suit, so we can "look forward to" more Twat Packery from him. Sharon's group looks rather small now that it just consists of Gentle Ben, obviously. The MacDougall Brothers are still there, despite all known laws of probability. Kate's top appears to be the evil offspring of Sharon's wrap, and is slinking ever closer to the optimum position to wrap its golden tendrils around her neck and throttle her. Careful there, Kate. Kate tells us that it's getting tough, and tonight's theme is songs from the movies. Each act will have to perform two songs: one ballad, and one uptempo number, to prove their versatility. Two songs? Oh, crap. Just when I thought they might actually start making this damn millstone around my neck a little lighter, they whack on another slab of granite.

This week we're starting with Simon and the 16-24s, namely Leona. Simon VTs that Leona has an aura that lights up a room. Maybe Leona's aura could get together with my visions and have a full-on new-age party. Leona is shown attending a film premiere, and people are cheering for her. Sharon VTs that Leona's voice is perfection, and that she's a young Mariah Carey, "but we have a Mariah Carey. I want to see Leona." That's fair enough, I suppose. Incidentally, Sharon pronounces "Carey" like "Kerry", which makes me think back to an imaginary conversation Sharon might have had with one of her other finalists: "we have a Mariah, Kerry!" Louis thinks Leona's capable of giving an awful lot more. I can't really take Louis seriously at this moment in time because just before I sat down to write this, Katy and I were watching an episode of Charmed with leprechauns in it and they kept reminding me of him, so I keep expecting him to pop out a walking stick and shoot off on the end of a rainbow. Leprechaun - sorry, Louis - says that Simon's playing it safe with Leona, which Simon immediately pooh-poohs, and then there's a lovely grainy black-and-white VT of Leona coughing her guts up. Seriously. There's no glamour like reality TV, is there? Leona has been to the doctor this week, and is not meant to be singing because she's got tonsillitis. Why is everyone on this damn show ill at the moment? Leona assures us, via the medium of VT, that she's not going to give up and will continue on and do her best, because that's what she has to do. Sympathy vote thus assured, the VT ends and she heads onto the stage to perform 'Lady Marmalade' from Moulin Rouge. There's a point where her voice kind of disappears altogether, and she does generally sound a bit croaky, and OH MY GOD. They've changed the lyrics to "voulez-vous chanter avec moi ce soir?", which renders the whole song nonsensical. Also: if the kids watching this show before the watershed are old enough to speak French, they probably already have a fair idea what sex is as well. I think Leona's illness and/or nerves are getting to her on this one: she sings of "black shat-in sheets", which isn't quite such a sexy image as "black satin sheets". However, it's nice to see her doing something a bit more uptempo than usual, and once she gets into her runs in the middle she starts kicking all kinds of ass, again. And if I may be shallow, she looks adorable in her strapless top/jeans/sneakers combo, all casual, like she just found time to pop in to the show between yoga classes. She kind of swallows the last note, and this wasn't her best performance by a long shot, and maybe it was the tonsillitis and maybe it wasn't, it's not my place to make excuses, but somehow I still have my suspicions it will still end up being one of the better performances of the evening. Sharon says that it's great to hear Leona singing something uptempo, and says that she looks "age-appropriated" in the jeans, and that it was fresh, young, and she loved it. Louis agrees with Sharon, and then says, hilariously: "you got it all goin' on, girl!". Louis is from the streets, y'all. Fo' shizzay. I mentally reserve Louis a place on the "learning to accept that you cannot pull off hipster lingo" workshop I attended once. Simon calls it "on the money" and a great start to the show, and says he can't wait for her second song. There's no time to talk to Leona, as everyone's singing twice tonight. Leona kisses Kate on the cheek, the better to ensure she keeps her germs to herself, and exits.

We're back from the ads, and Louis pulls off a bizarre Eurovision homage by announcing primly "Good evening Kate, and good evening Scotland" in what I think is an attempted RP accent. It's weird, and with that and Louis's earlier attempt at being ghetto fabulous, I wonder if he's been drinking before the show. Or possibly during. Lord knows that's the only way I can get through it. It's the MacDougall Brothers. Simon VTs that everyone thinks he hates them, and that's not true. He says that for them "to reach the top five on a show of this scale is phenomenal". I'm not sure if that's meant as a good thing or not. Blond MacDougall says that they didn't expect to make it this far after their many tongue-lashings from Simon, apparently oblivious to the fact that Simon's treatment of them is probably precisely what helped them to get this far in the first place. Does the other one ever speak, by the way? And which one is Craig, and which one is Brian? I mean, I can tell Eton Road apart but I still don't know which of these guys is which. Louis VTs that they need to up their game and show more personality. They also went to the "fillum premiere", and I'm trying to figure out which film, but they're not making it hugely obvious. They get photographed with some fans, for whom I feel sorry. I'll start a charity to try to cure them, I think. They're singing a rather lispy version of 'When You Say Nothing At All' from Notting Hill, and for one moment of insanity I actually think they're going to do some kind of Hi-NRG version or something, because the music slows right down to the point where you half-expect some kind of enormous dance beat to kick in. That doesn't happen, of course, although it would have been brilliant, and would have convinced me to vote for them. Instead, they bland their way through one of the blander songs that modern music has to offer, and their continued presence in this show must mean that more empty-nesters watch this show than I previously expected. Silent MacDougall fluffs his words at one point, and the camera cuts to Sharon clutching her hair for some reason, which is quite funny. Eventually it ends, just as boringly as it began. Is "boringly" even a word? Simon calls it "dreary", and the audience boos him even though he's completely right. Sharon says they look "really wicked" tonight. I suspected there was something demonic that contributed to their tenure on this show. Sharon's probably got contacts in Hades, after all. She calls it a "pleasant song, well sung", but admits it won't set the world on fire. Except in the aforementioned demonic pact, naturally, wherein we shall all perish. Louis tells them they've proved "someone" wrong, and they make the final, and Simon's making the "natter natter natter" gesture with his hand throughout, which is supremely childish but still not wholly unamusing. Kate reads out the voting numbers, and Silent MacDougall looks a bit like he's going to cry.

Sharon introduces "Big Ben". Oh, EW. I don't want to learn the etymology of that nickname - I'm going to stick to calling him Gentle Ben, thanks. Gentle Ben VTs that he was the most nervous he's ever been last Saturday. Simon thought he was very good. Sharon thinks he's raised the bar. Simon doesn't want him to wash his hair for a week because he's looking a bit Farrah Fawcett at the moment. I swear to God I did not just make that up. Sharon thinks he's back on track. Gentle Ben also went to the Great Unnamed Film Premiere. He reminds us that he used to erect (snigger) marquees. Sharon says he's what the contest needs, and Gentle Ben says that if he leaves on Saturday, the red carpet gets swept away from under his feet. Nice to see that Legit Music Boy has his eyes focused on what really matters, eh? Simon points out that Sharon's got one act left, Louis is "on the ropes", and now he's enjoying himself. Sharon doesn't care because her remaining act is a "diamond", which I'm sure is very reassuring to Robert as he sits at home waiting for that next child to pop out and wondering how he's going to feed it. Gentle Ben is going to give it everything, apparently. Oh God, the damn piano's back. He's singing 'Live And Let Die', because it was inconceivable that this week would pass without someone doing a Bond theme, although I'm sad because I wanted Eton Road to do 'License To Kill'. Not-So-Gentle Ben attacks the chorus with what some might call vigour, but what I would call ill grace. It's a bit too raucous, I think. And then it all goes completely crazy and whoever's really playing the piano appears to be having a fit of some kind. I mean, I know that part of the brilliance of this song is the fact that it's about three different songs rolled into one, but this is just noise. Also, he gets the words wrong. I happen to know the words to this song very well, because people mishearing the line "and if this ever-changing world in which we're living makes you give in and cry" is one of my friend Fraser's biggest musical pet peeves. (Gentle Ben sings the urban legend grammar-defying version, i.e. "and in this ever-changing world in which we're living", in case you were wondering.) These shows always get the words to Bond themes wrong, because I remember Laura Doherty getting the words to 'License To Kill' wrong the week she was booted off the original Pop Idol. But I digress. The song ends, and it was kind of bizarre. Louis tells Gentle Ben that it was another powerful performance, and that he's a great piano player. Simon tells Gentle Ben the song choice was brilliant, and he loved that he put on a show, "like Bonfire Night". Sharon tells him that he progresses each week, and she thinks he'll be incredible in a year's time. Jesus, this show isn't going to run for THAT long, is it? Kate, voting numbers, no talky with contestants. You know the drill.

Back from the ads, and Louis forgoes the Eurovision intro for Eton Road. In their VT, James says that last week they didn't know what happened, and Daniel says that they felt they'd let everyone down by landing in the bottom two, including Louis. We flash back to Louis's Terrifying Face Of Inner Turmoil at that moment, and we learn that certain moments in life were not intended to be freeze-framed. Shudder. Louis wonders if maybe they tried too hard, and perhaps they should've played safe "like everybody else". Oh, so that's this week's dog-with-a-bone, is it? Simon says that he could see they were terrified: "Louis had them all wearing Spandex, I'd be terrified." Hee! Louis sent the boys back to Liverpool to drum up some support, because he seems to think that only people's hometowns vote for them. Some days I really want to know what the inside of Louis's brain looks like. Does this mean they didn't get to go to the premiere of the Famous Anonymous Film? Wouldn't that have been better, exposure-wise? They did get to turn on the Christmas lights in their hometown, though, and they look gleeful and proud while they're doing it, and I just want to adopt them all because they're so darn cute. David says that their trip home showed them they have support, and they're going to come back fighting this week. Oh, there we go: they're at the premiere, hugging fans. That makes me feel better. They're singing 'Everybody Needs Somebody To Love' from The Blues Brothers, and...oh dear. Poor Eton Road. Their vocals sound really weak on this song. And it's been rearranged to put some more harmonies in it, but the harmonies just sound weird. They're very, very cute and I love them to bits, but this really isn't very good at all, and I feel bad for them, because I don't think it's their fault. It all kind of falls apart in the middle as well - there's a bit where I think it was just left for them to ad lib, but it's rather messy. There's one bit that I love, where the music cuts out and then they just go "whoooooooooah" on a rising note back into the song, but that's pretty much the only high point. Oh, boys. I'm so sorry. Sharon opens the judges' comments by saying that their harmonies were much better than last week, "unbelievably good, really spot-on". Simon says it was fun, but it was a very weird choice of song, like Louis just picked it randomly out of a hat. Simon tries to continue his comments, but Louis talks over him by saying that the audience loved it and they deserve to be here, so Simon gets out of his chair and totally Clay Aikens him so that he can finish his point, which is: he thought it felt as though Louis had given up on them. Louis sadly does not pull a Kelly Ripa of his own by telling Simon that he doesn't know where his hand has been (which would have left the door wide open for Sharon to be Rosie O'Donnell and declare that comment "homophobic" and open up a whole 'nother can of worms). Instead, Louis says "Can I say one more thing? Simon said something about spandex - he is Mr Spandex. You are, Simon!" Wow. That plumbs a whole new level of nonsense and pointlessness for a judge's comment on this show. I didn't even think that was possible. In breaking news: Louis is rubber and Simon is glue. Kate exhorts us to vote for them, and they rather adorably point to themselves when she mentions their individual names. Seriously: can they come and live in my house? It'd be cramped, but they'd be well-fed and they'd want for nothing.

Ray's VT is vomitous, because he smugs on about how this experience is so incredibly awesome, meeting celebrities and having your hair shampooed for you and then going out to perform on stage. I have now passed the stage of merely wanting to punch him and have graduated to wanting to drown him. In a bath of his own urine. Flashback to last week's godawful performance of 'Livin' La Vida Loca' and Sharon calling him "panto boy", which Ray disputes. Simon calls the panto thing "today's insult", and then there's another shot of last week's performance which was definitely not Ray doing pelvic thrusts, because I poured a whole bottle of neat Domestos into my brain to remove all memory of that. Simon says that whether they like it or not, Ray's made the final five and he wants to win. Yes, and I want to find Jensen Ackles under my tree at Christmas wearing nothing but a red ribbon and a big smile, but it doesn't mean that's going to happen, or indeed that it ought to happen. The point, you say? Right. Footage of Ray at No-Name Premiere, where he was all "Yeah, baby! Quinny's arrived!" Again, I am quoting verbatim. I couldn't make that shit up if I tried. He looks all pudgy, and like he just walked off the stage in a low-budget production of Oliver! He's determined to show Sharon that he's an "entertainer", not a panto boy. Yes, because the difference is so pronounced. He's singing 'The Way You Look Tonight', which is from some film at some point in time. How interesting that Ray chose to perform some more swing music in the week where the contestants have been asked to demonstrate their versatility. There's something really creepy about the whole thing - like there's so much grease oozing out of him that it could turn into some kind of omnivorous monster and devour us all. Louis calls it Ray's best performance yet, and Sharon agrees, and says that he's hugely talented and a great entertainer. Simon says "good for him" for that performance, and says that it felt like Ray chose the song rather than someone choosing it for him, blah blah blah looked and sounded great, and oh my God am I the only person in the world who was so skeeved by that performance that my insides actually crawled out of my skin and curled up in the foetal position? In Australia? Jeez.

Interestingly, the voting lines open now, although the performances haven't finished (you were hoping it was over too, right?), so I guess they must want to make as much money out of this as they can. Adverts, and the M&S Christmas advert prompts me to think the deeply unsettling thought that Ray and Erin would have the smuggest-looking babies in the world. Hold on, I just need to pop out for some more Domestos.

Okay, I'm back. We're back, and thankfully there are no second sets of VTs, just Simon introducing Leona who will be singing 'I Will Always Love You' from The Bodyguard. It's more subdued than Whitney's version (possibly again due to the tonsillitis) and actually reminds me slightly more of the infinitely superior and way less creepy Dolly Parton original. Even when Leona's vocals might not be on top form, one thing she continues to do is utterly nail the emotion behind the song, and that's pretty hard to do in my experience. It's a shame that towards the end it turns into complete Whitney karaoke, and I wonder how well Leona will do with songs that no one has sung before her (but then, given that this year's winner's song is rumoured to be a cover of Kelly Clarkson's 'A Moment Like This', perhaps she'll never have to worry). Whoops and cheers for Leona as she finishes. Sharon: "Bravo, Leona. Another faultless performance." Louis tells her it's a difficult song to sing, and she made it her own (not quite, if you ask me), and he declares it "as good as the original Whitney version". Whitney's version wasn't the original, Louis. Do your research. Simon thanks the other judges and calls Leona a "trooper" for taking on the song when she didn't have to, and says that it's the best version of that song he's ever song. Leona tells the judges that their comments inspire her, and she loves singing, which I think is stuff we've all heard before. Leona's talented and everything, but she's maybe a little dull. This was probably her worst week vocally, but now that I've seen everyone else I'm less worried about her.

MacDougall Brothers, singing 'I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)' from Benny And Joon. Heh, for the obscure choice of movie, but I'm not surprised they made these two do a Proclaimers song at some point. The Journey South Memorial Guitar Of Irrelevance returns in its electric form, and this song is so completely hilarious. They're enjoying themselves performing it, and it's perhaps the first performance of theirs that can genuinely be called "fun", but I still don't quite see how they fit into the modern pop music in any way at all. Oh, and the Creepy Incest Vibes make an unwelcome reappearance at the end, as well. Sharon says for the first time they owned the stage, and thinks that performance should see them into the final. Simon: "I'm gonna hate myself for this - that was very good." Louis claps himself and draws attention to the fact that "somebody here is backtracking". Kate gives Blond and Silent the opportunity to respond to their first real praise from Simon, and Blond responds to it...the same way he responds to Simon's negative feedback, by saying that he hopes Simon can see how hard they're trying. Well, that was anticlimactic.

Sharon completely fails to read the autocue with any skill whatsoever, and makes a big deal about how she only has one act left and really needs the votes, which is the sort of thing that she said she wouldn't do last week. Things Sharon forgot to mention there: the name of her act, the title of the song, and the movie it's from. No wonder nobody watches her chat show. Allow me to enlighten you, since I have more professionalism in my left nipple than Sharon has in her entire body, apparently, and I'm not even being paid to do this: Gentle Ben will be singing 'Your Song' from Moulin Rouge. Hmm. Given that Moulin Rouge made a virtue of using existing pop songs to comment on its story, isn't it rather a cop-out to use those tracks in songs from the movies week? I mean, I know the rules are all open to interpretation and all, but...oh, never mind. As if anyone cares. This show (and Leona and Gentle Ben, specifically) owes Baz Luhrmann a drink at some point, and we'll just leave it at that. The song's a little bit low for Gentle Ben's vocal range, although he uses the gravelly stuff to hide it as best he can. Where I said earlier about Leona always managing to pick up on the emotion of a song, I think that's exactly what's missing here: there's nothing terribly romantic about Gentle Ben's interpretation of this track. It's just kind of workmanlike and dull, and I don't really believe it. The volume gets amped up by a major factor at the end which helps a little bit, but it's too little too late from where I'm standing. Louis's comments: "Ray, you know I think you're a very talented singer and musician..." That's not a mistake on my part; Louis actually called him Ray. Louis says that this will be the beginning of a great career for Gentle Ben, although he preferred his earlier performance. Simon thinks Gentle Ben had a really good night on both songs, and that's really all he has to say. Sharon agrees with Simon, and tells Gentle he should be proud of himself. Gentle Ben says that he's had a tough week (sorry Gentle, if you want the sympathy vote, we want footage of you at the doctor's, or at the very least a note from your mum. WHO IS DEAD. Sorry, old habits are hard to break) and says that the only way he's not coming back next week is if he doesn't get enough votes. Well, it's nice to see that after all this time he's grasped the basic mechanics of this show's elimination process. Good for him.

Is this still not over? Bloody hell. Eton Road will be singing 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight?' from The Lion King. The opening note is the same as the opening note of 'Flashdance (What A Feeling)', which amuses me. Their vocals are wobbly, and James sounds notably flat. When they harmonise on the chorus, it's also pretty off-sounding. This hasn't been a good night for Eton Road at all. There are some points where their harmonies are absolutely bang-on, and it sounds lovely, but the points where the harmonies are off are pretty hard to ignore. At the end of the song there's a great moment where a wide shot of the studio catches one of the production staff grabbing something off the front of the stage under the dry ice and hurling it backwards, but I can't quite tell what it is. The audience chants for them, but Simon calls the performance "painting by numbers", and says that he genuinely believes Louis has decided to back the MacDougalls and he doesn't care about them any more. He thinks they should have been showcased better at this stage in the competition, that in effect they are better than the songs, and he thinks they're vulnerable. Sharon says it was "nice" but not great. Louis tries to cut her off, and Sharon shrieks like a banshee to shut him up, not that what she has left to say is particularly noteworthy. Louis tells them that Simon's trying to mess with their heads and turn them against each other, and is this season four of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or have I missed something? Louis takes the opportunity to publicly declare that he wants to work with them after the show and turn them into the next big boyband whatever happens, which does kind of imply that he thinks they're going home tonight. Daniel and David tell Kate that they were really happy with Louis's song choices for them this week, and Kate waves them off.

Ray will be singing 'Jailhouse Rock' from Jailhouse Rock. It hasn't even started yet, and already I can't bear it. I can only assume that Ray hasn't bothered to learn the words to this song, because he sure as hell can't be bothered to enunciate them. Seriously, to listen to it, it's like "nananananana county jail, nanananananasomethingail". He does the pelvic thrust again, and there just isn't enough bleach in the world. I hate this show. Some sadistic cameraman actually does a close up of it, because this show hates me back. It keeps almost ending and then starting up again, and must they actually make me cry? I think that was arguably the worst performance of the entire series. All three of them. Sharon calls it a "very good performance" despite the old song. Louis says that Ray gave it 100%, and says he loves the "choreoke". I think he's just invented a new choreography/karaoke hybrid craze there, but we'll assume he meant the choreography, which by the way was exactly like something out of a painful school talent show. Louis then tells Ray that Simon believes Leona is going to win, because he has to fight bullshit with bullshit. I want to bang their heads together, but the worst part of this is that Louis is making out like it's him trying to do Ray a favour, instead of the stupid fake feud that they insist on ramming down our throats because they think it's what we want to see. Simon asks Louis why he insists upon being obnoxious and I neither know nor care. Simon avows his faith in Ray and calls him "fearless", while failing to point out the many other things Ray lacks: modesty, decency, talent, relevance, and a good smack in the face being just some of the examples that spring to mind.

Video recap: Leona was ill, but still worked her Christina-impersonation mojo, the MacDougall Brothers were dull but invincible, Gentle Ben played the piano standing up, Eton Road had what I can only describe as "an off week", and Ray was sick in an entirely different way to Leona. They, for some reason, go through everybody's numbers twice rather than seguing the two performances together while the number's up once, but who am I to point out how utterly stupid that is when there's time to be filled in an already insanely bloated show? Kate tells us the vote is tight, and promises us a performance from Il Divo (sigh) during the results, then it's Thornton: out.

Results show

Okay, I'm going to shorthand this because I've already spent far too long writing about this horrible, horrible programme: earlier tonight, people sang on your television. Perhaps you voted for them. Perhaps like me you watched Strictly Come Dancing instead and went to the pub afterwards, barely giving this show a second thought. Still, apparently two million votes were cast, but ITV and Fremantle Media still want your money, so Kate tries to convince us to vote again. The clip of Leona that they use in her 'Lady Marmalade' clip is one of the moments where the note gets stuck in her throat, which may or may not be deliberate. Then there is Il Divo. Do you care? I don't, so I'm skipping ahead. Afterwards, Kate throws backstage to the contestants. Leona has been sick all week, but tried to give it her best this week. She admits her first performance was "a bit shaky", but hopes she did enough. The MacDougall Brothers got praise from Simon, but hope that they've got the public vote. Ben thinks everyone did well, but hopes he got through. Eton Road were in the bottom two last week, but hope they've done enough to avoid being there again. Ray says he's feeling scared, but that implies he is capable of feeling human emotions and therefore is an obvious and shameless untruth. Ad break!

Back from the break, and Kate tells us that the voting lines are almost closed before welcoming everyone back to the stage. See, I actually typed that before it happened, because this show is formulaic. Apparently tonight's vote was the biggest vote at this stage in the history of the show, for what that's worth. The lines close, with the same whoosh that we had last week, and Kate wishes everyone luck. The acts definitely coming back next week are: the MacDougall Brothers, Leona and Ray. Apparently Ray actually has to eat an endangered animal and then defecate on a live baby onstage before people stop voting for him. Kate asks Gentle Ben why he thinks he's in the bottom two, and he replies it's because he didn't get enough votes. He's ever so literal. Eton Road are going to fight for it as ever. Simon does the smug "I don't know what I'm looking for yet" thing which I hate and find completely disrespectful to the contestants, and I expect more professionalism from him. Eton Road sing 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight?' and while David's opener is stronger than the first time, James is flat again and also fluffs his words. There are some missed harmonies again, and this doesn't look good for them. Ben sings 'Your Song' again, and it's pretty much the same as before, in a technically proficient but uninspiring way.

Louis says that he thinks both of these acts will be having hit records this time next year, and he doesn't think this is the end of either of them. He votes to send Ben home, eventually. Sharon doesn't say anything for ages, but we all know she's going to say Eton Road, so this is totally stupid. She eventually votes to send them home in a choked-up voice. Simon is enjoying this far too much and I lose a lot of respect for him as a result. Seriously: show some compassion and wipe that smirk off your face. Don't make me hate you like I hate Louis. Simon says that he's got a decision to make, and wonders if he should vote to send home the biggest threat to his own artist, and the audience rightfully boos him. He is being such a jerk tonight. Kate hassles him for a decision, and eventually Simon votes to send Eton Road home. Ben launches into a big manhug and gays them all up real nice, and Kate consoles them by pointing out that they nearly didn't make it to the live shows at all. We see the famous point in their best moments VT where Louis breaks it to them that they're in the live show after all, and Anthony and David almost totally make out with each other. I'm going to miss linking to that. James says they're happy to have got that far, and Kate tells Anthony to see how much they're loved because Sharon's in tears. Anthony says he's not crying because he's sad, but just because of how great the whole experience has been. Louis vows to get them a recording contract, and I kind of hope that this isn't the last we see of them because I think they're adorable, as I've already mentioned, although I'm not sure if they necessarily have a recording career ahead of them. Whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy the show a lot less without them next week, where I shall be dealing with Leona and three other acts I can't really bring myself to like. Kate tells us they're fighting for a spot in the semi-finals, which means there are three more weeks of this crap. Just kill me now.

One is the boringest number

Performance Show 6: 18th November 2006

I have to begin this recap with some bad news, I'm afraid: Joel's busy this weekend and sadly will not be able to join me in bracketed comments like he usually does. However, being the responsible sort, he did his best to make sure someone was available to cover his position for me, knowing full well how I struggle to cope with this stupid show on my own, so he rang round a couple of temping agencies and as luck would have it, he found someone who was free. Not only that, he actually found someone who's totally the target demographic of this show. So, without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to our guest commenter, the lovely Lois Common-Denominator. Hi, Lois! (Hi Steve! I'm so excited about this. I really hope Ray does another swing number tonight - he's so cool and unique!-Lois) And now, on with the show.

Last week on the show: Simon had the "unenviable" task of choosing between two of his own acts, Ray and Nikitta. I can think of a lot of people who'd be envious of the opportunity to shitcan Ray's ass. Nikitta went, of course, because she can't do swing-by-numbers and anyway, the public totally hates black people. (Kidding! Don't e-mail me.) Sharon and Louis were smug, unsurprisingly. Louis is determined not to lose another act, but indeed another act must go home. Your Saturday night starts here, unless you're watching Strictly Come Dancing, in which case it started on BBC One 45 minutes ago.

The judges are welcomed by the annoying voiceover, and so are the acts. It makes for a far less dramatic entrance when there are only two people trooping out from behind the giant splitting screens, doesn't it? This week Kate's dressed in a very modest red dress, and the hair is still good, but the dress is bad. It makes her look like she's going to a Christmas party. In the 1940s. Sorry, Kate. Still, after the revelation in this week's Holy Moly that Vernon Kaye has been lined up to replace you, we're only going to say positive things about you, because no matter what our differences may have been in the past, this is very much a case of better the idiot you know. This week's theme is Number One singles, so who better to act as mentors than the act who proved that a Number One single is not a sign of quality over and over and over again? That's right: Westlife. (Squeeee! I love Westlife! Kian is omg liek so fit!!!11!-Lois) Westlife break with last week's tradition by actually bothering to appear on the main show. Fishlips Mark lies to Kate that every act is really talented, because this is what happens when Louis Walsh owns your soul - let that be a lesson to anyone considering entering. Kian, last seen at boot camp (and I'd totally forgotten he was even there, so huge was his contribution), bigs up Eton Road. Kate asks them to pick between Louis and Simon, since both of them are responsible for this pop travesty, and Shane wisely plumps for Sharon. Westlife will be back later, performing with Delta Goodrem, who apparently STILL hasn't learned her lesson. Oh, Delta. (That homewrecking tramp!-Lois)

Simon's category starts the show, which means Ray is on first. Wow, that's risky for someone who was in last week's bottom two. Ray didn't like it, because he wanted to be the best. Can I suggest he joins the Territorial Army then? That would be more up his street. Sharon thinks it's good for someone to have a taste of the bottom two. Simon says he picked Ray last week because he believed that's what the audience wanted him to. Well, given that he was in the bottom two, the audience probably didn't give a flying fig one way or the other. (But Ray's a unique talent! It's a travesty that he was in the bottom two last week.-Lois) We flashback to Simon's terrible decision at boot camp to call Ray back after rejecting him. Simon says that Ray's used eight of his nine lives, and if he's in the bottom two, he's got a problem. Ray remembers being told to do something different this week: "I don't want to be remembered as a one-trick pony because I'm not a one-trick pony." Bit late to be worrying about that, Twat Pack. Oh dear - Ray will be singing 'Livin' La Vida Loca'. He shakes hands with Westlife, and says that he wants to be in the final more than ever. He walks onto the stage in a tight black shirt that shows off what would be his cleavage if he had any. He then proceeds to do an exact mimicry of Ricky Martin's dancing, and it's every bit as horrifying as it is unsexy as it is faintly child-pornesque. He's also singing incredibly flatly, and on come the dancing girls just to prove the point that Ray needs a gimmick of some kind every week. It's a terrible, terrible karaoke performance, and I'm not even giving him points for not doing a swing track. (I will! He's really shown his versatility this week! He deserves a spot in the final now.-Lois) Seriously, every single time he thrusts his crotch at the camera, I get the feeling that I've somehow been horribly violated. That was quite possibly the most disgusting performance of the entire series, but of course the audience goes nuts for it, because they're morons. Sharon congratulates Ray for being confident and having great stage presence, but tells him he doesn't have a recording voice: "Why is it that when I look at you, you remind me of Panto Boy?" Hee. Louis then embarks unwisely down the "oh no he isn't!" route, and tells Ray it was great to see him not do a swing song, and compliments Ray's smile/dancing/work ethic/shoes/eyebrows/GCSE History results in order to sugarcoat the message that his voice sucks. The audience boos, again. Louis tells him he'll work "forever" in the West End, but he doesn't have a recording voice. Ray smugs that he was offered a job in the West End before he came here. Well, they always need lots of people to hand out the London Lite, I suppose. Simon bitches that it's rich of Louis to complain about vocal quality on this show, and Louis demands that Simon explain. (Oooh, I love Simon's feud with Louis - it's so dramatic!-Lois) Simon tells Ray he had to do something different this week and gives him an A for effort, saying that Ray's not the best singer in the competition but he has to work with what he's got. Simon calls it "a better performance than last week" and predicts the audience will keep Ray in this week. We go to what I suspect will be the first of many breaks, with the promise of Robert and Eton Road when we get back.

Sharon can barely be bothered to introduce Robert properly, which is good because hopefully the rest of the public feels similarly fed up of him. Flashbacks to last week, where apparently Robert owned the universe, despite still not really being that good, and having no visible emotional connection to the song, no matter how much they threw that sob story about his sister at us. Simon says that he now sees Robert as a threat, which I highly doubt (I've been in the bottom two twice! Ph3@r my mad contest-winning skillz!), and Robert refers to Westlife as "cool guys". He hopes that if he works hard, he may have half of what they've got one day. Lofty aspirations indeed. Robert sings 'You Are Not Alone', which I swear to God I thought was 'I Believe I Can Fly' until the chorus. If there's one thing I've learned from this show, it's that there are only about three melodies in the known world, and two of them are horrifically dull. This performance is so boring that I set up a caffeine IV to keep me awake. If it got any worse, I'd have needed a caffeine enema. A choir comes in after the key change, and Robert loses all semblance of the tune and indeed the plot. Louis tells Robert that he thought Robert stole the show last week: "This week you come out and sing a Michael Jackson song; not a lot of people can do that." Not even Michael Jackson himself, if the recent World Music Awards are anything to go by. Simon gets clarification on what Louis just said, and Louis informs us all that Simon is jetlagged, having just returned from LA. Simon says that Robert had another very good week, although he's not sure it was the perfect song for him. Simon credits himself for Robert's progress after he told Robert to stop running around the stage. Sharon tells Robert not to thank Simon just yet, and says that Robert gets better and better and better every week, and that so many people in the contest stay on one level (that level being "shit", presumably), whereas Robert's getting better (presumably having started off being "worse than shit" and having just recently caught up with everyone else). Robert thanks everyone for the opportunity he's been given. Yawn.

Over to Louis with the groups, and Eton Road. David says in VT that last week wasn't good. Simon singles out Anthony's high-pitched bit in the middle as being very weird. Anthony feels like he let the boys down last week, but they assure him that he didn't. Aww. They'll be singing 'I Don't Feel Like Dancin'' this week, which is the sort of übergay moment I've been waiting for from them all series. Notwithstanding the time they almost totally made out with each other, of course. Anthony's dressed like Kelly Osbourne again - sigh. There are some definitely questionable moments in the vocals, although they give the really high note to James rather than Anthony, which is a brave choice, and he just about pulls it off. The problem with this performance is the same thing that's wrong with most of their performances - there are too many moments when nobody seems to be quite sure who's meant to be singing. Also, this performance is marred slightly for me by the fact that I'm the only gay in the entire country who thinks that, 'Filthy/Gorgeous' notwithstanding, the Scissor Sisters are massively overrated and actually a little bit shit. Simon says he's been in America for a week, and they've obviously been spending a lot of time with Louis. Heh. Louis, of course, pounces on this and says that he's been mentoring his act, while Simon hasn't been with his at all. Well, we see who gets the last laugh when the results come in, won't we? Sharon claps, because she has no independent brainpower. Simon tells them that it kind of worked, but that there were individual vocals which just didn't come off. Sharon gets on the rag, telling Simon that if he'd been here, he'd know they'd all been sick this week. And that's Simon's problem...why? Seriously, what the fuck has that got to do with anything? Shut up, Sharon. The judges all bicker (Yay!-Lois), and Simon tells them that he's not sure it was strong enough. Sharon goes on again about how she was here all week, and Louis pipes in with his "me too!", and really all that says to me is that Simon's really famous and in demand across the globe, whereas the other two aren't really of much interest to anyone, because I don't believe for a second that Sharon "Please recommission my low-rating chatshow" Osbourne and Louis "I've been on any TV show would have me this week, and all they wanted to do was talk about how shit the MacDougall Brothers are" Walsh would have done anything differently had they been in Simon's position. Sharon says it's just about entertainment value, which: not, and tries to win cred points by saying how much she loves the Scissor Sisters. Louis blathers on about them bringing glitter and sparkle and the public love them. Kate speaks to Anthony, who wisely keeps schtum and basically just says he respects the judges and their comments. Another break, and Kate tells us that we'll return with Gentle Ben and "the last woman in the competition", Leona.

Back from the break, and Simon would like to introduce "...a singer. Leona." Heh. Nice subtle burn there on the other acts. Simon VTs that he's concerned about how, historically, girls do not win this competition, and he's seen this happen before. My mum, incidentally, informed me this week that she hates Leona, because she's "full of herself", so it looks like this is another victory for the "she's young and talented and attractive - who the hell does she think she is?" brigade. (Burn the witch!-Lois) Leona's characteristically shy around Westlife, because she had posters of them on her walls growing up. Oh, Leona. I didn't need to know that. Shane reminds us that they've duetted with Mariah Carey, and that Leona could easily have done Mariah's part in that song. Er...hooray? Fishlips Mark thinks it would be a shame if Leona, as a girl, didn't go further because the girls are voting for the lads they fancy. I'm sure he's very familiar with that strategy, although there's not even anyone hot this year to vote for, with the possible exception of some of Eton Road, and I can't really see that eating into Leona's votes too much. Simon says that voting for Leona is like having a hand in her career, and just as easily we could snuff it out. "That's what this show is about." What, snuffing out careers? Somewhere, Steve Brookstein's watching this, and that penny is slowly dropping. Leona is singing 'Bridge Over Troubled Water', which I think we all had our fill of during Popstars, didn't we? She's perhaps not as good as usual this week, being noticeably wobbly in a few places, although I maintain that even a mediocre Leona performance is still head and shoulders above everyone else. The Choir of Gimmickry comes on to join Leona towards the end of the water, and actually seems to salt her game for a few seconds, but she's a pro and she claws it back with one hell of a glory note near the end. I'd love it if Leona taught Anthony Eton Road how to control his voice, because together they could rule the world. Sharon calls it "another flawless performance", and Louis thinks she has star quality, but has a problem with the fact that she always sings "the ballads". Not that it ever did Westlife any harm, of course, so Louis is talking out his arse again as usual. And yes, I know I bitch about Ray doing swing every week, so this is a complete double standard, but Ray is shit and Leona is good, and that is my justification. He wants her to do something more upbeat next week, and thinks Simon is in a time warp, because she should be moving into Christina/Beyoncé territory. That concerns me. I kind of imagine Leona being forced to do 'Crazy In Love' next week, or that famous reality show kryptonite 'The Voice Within', and it ultimately killing her. Don't you listen to him, Leona. The audience boos Louis's comments and cheers for Leona. Louis also gets in another dig about Simon not being there all week. Simon calls Louis "pathetic" and tells him to "shut up", which gets a cheer from the audience. Simon admits he's been in America all week long, and claims that there's an incredible buzz about Leona out there. Okay, I call bullshit. Seriously, I love Leona and everything, but I don't believe that for a second, and I actually think stories like that will do Leona more harm than good. (Absolutely. Who does she think she is? Too big for her boots! She'd steal my man as soon as look at him. I don't like her!-Lois). Simon says that it's rare for (a) a British singer and (b) someone from a (British) reality show to make such a splash over there, and I can't help thinking it's entirely a Simon-generated splash. I mean, I've said all along that Leona and perhaps Maria are the only contestants from this show who could've held their own on American Idol, but every single year of Idol is full of girls as good as Leona, and I can't see why anyone Stateside would give two shits about The X Factor anyway. But I digress. Simon says that she took a classic song and made her own version of it, and urges the audience not to assume she's safe, and not to throw their vote to someone who ostensibly "needs it more", but to "vote for the talent, please". This makes me wonder if Leona's polling totals aren't really that high. Boo, if that's the case. Sharon takes affront to Simon's comments, and Kate asks Leona how she feels about Louis's criticism. Leona says that she'll take whatever she's given, because she loves singing. (Bitch!-Lois)

Sharon isn't going to do the teary-eyed "vote for mine" routine, because he doesn't need it, apparently: it's Gentle Ben. He's finding it hard after last week's comments, and Sharon thinks Ben's scared of losing the limelight. Louis thinks Ben needs to continue to give those "big" performances that he gave in the first few weeks if he wants to make the finals. Meeting Westlife made Gentle Ben realise that we always have pressure on our shoulders, so basically he learned to just suck it up and get on with it. Hooray! Gentle Ben will be singing 'With A Little Help From My Friends', and he will be at the piano again. Still, at least the Journey South Memorial Guitar of Irrelevance isn't with us this week. It's not vastly removed from the Billy Bragg version, if I'm being honest, and I'm not crazy about parts of the arrangement, but it's all very confident and professional in the way that Gentle Ben generally is. And I'm not making any claims of cons here, but I'm fairly certain I saw a few points where what his hands were doing on the piano did not match what was on the soundtrack. I'm just sayin'. Louis calls it a return to form, and says it was a "powerful performance" that could land Gentle Ben a spot in the finals, and he could fill the gap in the UK market that exists for a young Rod Stewart or Joe Cocker. Seriously. How is Louis Walsh a successful pop music manager if he goes around saying things like that? Simon declares the performance "very good", and thinks that a Ben/Leona final would be the best final EVAR. Sharon thinks he did brilliantly, but he's not perfect, because perfect is boring. I don't really get that, but okay. Gentle Ben rather brazenly begs for votes, but it's kind of cute so I'll let him off. Kate warns us that the MacDougall Brothers will be singing one of the UK's biggest number one hits after the break. I hope it's 'Candle In The Wind', Diana version, because that would be hilarious.

Back from the break, and we're ending the show with the MacDougalls. They talk about how Simon's coming round on them, although he VTs that he still doesn't think they should be in the competition. He thinks the more he criticises them, the more the public votes for them. FINALLY. Jesus, Simon, the rest of us figured that out weeks ago. The MacDougalls will be singing 'Love Is All Around' (kill me now) and are determined not to cock it up. It's a noble ambition, I suppose. The performance is as wedding-singery as you'd expect, and these two still have no stage presence, but there's nothing I can say about them that hasn't already been said, like, a thousand times over, so I'll let you fill in the blanks yourselves. Your opinion probably depends on your amount of residual affection for this song. Mine's somewhere in the negative thousands, which obviously doesn't help. The arrangement is totally screwy, by the way, and has all kinds of weird repetitions in it, and sudden jumps that make no sense and don't scan. They're wearing matching outfits, too. Simon calls it "one of the most boring songs of all time", and Louis goes on about it being number one for 16 weeks, of course, and Simon says that within the context of the show it was "utterly pointless". Blonde MacDougall bitches that they get this every week, and that the public obviously like them enough to keep them around. There's the usual stuff about Simon not being anti-Scots, including him volunteering the fact that his mother's maiden name was Dalgleish (hee). Simon claims it's a sympathy vote. Louis goes on again about how he was with them all week while Simon was in LA (note to Louis: repeating the same point over and over again only serves to make you look like a buffoon who can't think on his toes. Please work harder.) and does the whole schtick about how they're lovely boys who work hard and Simon's just mean. (Simon is SO nasty to those boys. I'm going to go and vote for them now - boy howdy, that'll show him!-Lois) Kate asks them if they care, and Blonde MacDougall says that of course they do. They live in hope of winning Simon over. Good luck to them, I guess.

Performance recap: Ray's crotch should be locked away for the cause of public decency, Robert has the ability to make a boring song even duller, Eton Road were gayer than Christmas, again, Leona was too good for this stupid show as usual, Gentle Ben got by with a little help from a fake piano, and the MacDougalls showed no evidence that they're trying harder to be relevant, despite their claims to the contrary. Kate asks who shone, and Simon says that the best two singers by a mile were Leona and Ben. Sharon, ever the petty one, says Robert and Ben, and Louis, ever incapable of not following a bad example, plumps for the MacDougall Brothers and Eton Road. Okay, that does it: Louis and Sharon are cunts. I'm sorry, but they are the cuntiest cunts that ever cunted, and their complete disregard for the viewing public and the few contestants in this contest (okay, fine: Leona) who actually have talent. I honestly don't get how Simon is the one who's meant to be the demonic figure when he's the only person capable of admitting an act other than the ones he's mentoring did a good job. On the plus side, this means that Ray was the only person not listed as someone who shone. Hee. They will continue to bicker, of course, because the public love it, like the slags that they are.

Results show

Earlier, people sang for our votes, and the judges bickered for Strictly Come Dancing's audience share. Kate tells us that we've had the biggest vote tally of the series, with 1.25 million votes (and shamefully I'll admit that I voted: twice, for Leona). Performance recap, again. Kate reminds us that Westlife have had 14 number one hits, and are currently number one in the singles chart, just in case this show hadn't already made us all sufficiently ashamed to be British. They will be singing 'All Out Of Love', with Delta Goodrem. Or possibly 'All Out Of Love With Delta Goodrem', which would have been interesting. It's typically Westlife and dull, of course, although I feel honour-bound to point out that there are no stools. Whatever will they do in the key change? Delta appears in a virginal white dress for the second verse (nice try, Delta) and attempts to rescue her career. Shame she didn't bring Bryian back with her, with his tail between his legs. That would've been awesome. It makes me sad that the woman behind the utterly awesome 'Innocent Eyes' has come to this, but there you go. (Serves her right for breaking poor Kerry Katona's heart.-Lois) There's quite a funny bit near the end where the cameras on Fishlips Mark, who is neither singing nor looking like he has any plans to sing for the rest of the song, which I quite enjoyed. Kate asks for their opinions on who shone. Fishlips Mark thinks Leona. Kian plumps for Eton Road. Delta says it's hard to make a choice, but goes for the MacDougall Brothers. Oh, Delta. I stuck by you through the whole McFaddengate fiasco, but that's it. You're dead to me now. Shane also goes for the MacDougalls, as does Nicky, who redeems himself slightly by also citing Leona. Shane says that Leona was even better than tonight than she was in rehearsals. Kate thanks Westlife for all their help, and Delta for "prettying the place up". Wow, burn on yourself there, Kate. There's no need for that. After all, that's my job.

After the break, Kate claims the voting tally is now up to 1.5 million and the bottom two is "too close to call", which is what they say every time and I've never believed it before and I don't intend to start now. She welcomes back the judges and their acts. The phone lines close (with a whooshing sound effect, no less) and in no particular order, the people coming back next week are: the MacDougall Brothers, Ray, Gentle Ben, and...Leona, who of course bursts into tears at the news. I think she genuinely thought she was in the bottom two this week, actually. Either that or she's a very canny woman indeed. Kate asks Eton Road how it feels to be in the bottom two for the first time, and why they think the public didn't support them. Danny avoids saying "we were probably too gay for Saturday teatime" and plumps for the safer "well, you never know, do you?" Kate asks Robert if it's "third time lucky" for him, and...Kate? I know I said I wouldn't criticise, but the whole "third time lucky" thing doesn't really stand if you were already lucky on the first and second times. Unless you're suggesting that it'll be third time lucky for the audience and he'll finally be going home, in which case: word, Kate. Kate asks Simon what he's looking for, and he replies "major grovelling". He says he'll be judging on the best performance, and tells Robert he's slightly in the lead, which is kind of a dickish move really, and I thought Simon was better than that. (Also: maybe Louis and Sharon should've gone to LA all week too, if that's what it does for the success of one's acts.)

Robert the Favourite comes back on for his third "final showdown" performance. It's in no way improved from the performance he gave the first time around, which makes me question how much he really wants to fight for this. Yawn. He also does one of those ill-advised "whoo!"s when the choir come out, which is all a bit too Taylor Hicks for my liking. That's really all there is to say about his reprisal, so we'll move on to the lovely if slightly shambolic Eton Road. There are still some tuning issues, I'm not going to lie, but they've definitely ironed out some of the problems from earlier. Also, they've clearly got one bitch of a song to try to sing here, compared to Robert's snoozefest of a cakewalk. Unfortunately, they still have the whole "umm..who starts the second verse, and what are the words again?" problem, which they totally need to get fixed by next week.

Robert comes back on, and there are hugs, of course. Kate throws to the judges for their votes, and Sharon says she can't believe that either of those two are in the bottom two. She says Eton Road are the fun factor, and Robert is a "very gifted special entertainer". Not "singer", you'll note. Anyway, Sharon votes for Eton Road to go, though she's not happy about it. Louis echoes Sharon's thoughts on how they shouldn't have been in the bottom two either, and how it's "not fair" (and I'd be interested to hear who he did think a "fair" choice for the bottom two would have been, especially since he wouldn't have wanted the MacDougall Brothers there either). He votes for Robert to go, and is practically crying. Kate asks him if he's okay, and he replies that he's not. I attempt to care less, and find myself incapable. There's a shot of Eton Road, and Anthony's crying but gamely smiling, which kind of breaks my heart a little bit. It's Simon with the casting vote again, and he begins by saying that he didn't appreciate Louis's comments from earlier about him being out of the country. Simon says it's pretty level based on those performances, that Eton Road were better the second time around, and that he thought Robert was good tonight. He makes the decision based on who he thinks could progress further. Therefore the act he's going to send home is...Robert. Hooray! Eton Road breathe a huge collective sigh of relief, and go over for hugs. Awww. Whatever I think of their vocals, I can't help thinking they're cute as a bunch of buttons. Robert tries to shout something to Simon, who apparently isn't looking at him. Hehehe. We watch Robert's journey, and in the corner of the screen he sings along to 'Anytime You Need A Friend'. Heh. Kate tells Robert that he came on wanting a better life for his family, and he says that he's so happy to have been given this opportunity, that it's enriched him(?), and that this isn't the last we've heard of him. Au contraire. Sharon says she won't be saying goodbye to Robert because he's not going anywhere, even though she definitely said that to Tabby and Cassie, and probably also to Roberta, Maria, Chico, Brenda, Andy, Dionne and Kerry, so it isn't worth the air it was spoken into. Kate wishes Robert luck with the new baby, and tells him to keep singing. Don't spoil the moment, Kate. Next week the battle continues, but no on-air plug as to what the theme week will be. I'm still holding out for death metal week, of course. My thanks to Lois Common-Denominator, whose help this week has been invaluable. (My pleasure. Vote MacDonalds!-Lois) Until next time!