Le Fin Nikitta

Performance Show 5: 11th November 2006

LAST WEEK! Louis disobeyed Simon and sent Ashley home. Simon claimed it was personal. Sharon and Louis bitched back. No one actually believed any of this pantomime bollocks. Lots of contestants cried, because that's what the audience loves. Your Saturday night starts here, apparently. Shame it's Sunday morning when I'm watching this, then. Or does that mean I've developed the ability to project myself back in time? Because that would be kind of cool.

There are judges. Simon is not wearing a suit this week. There are contestants. Simon has three acts left, Sharon and Louis have two each. The MacDougall Brothers and Ray are both still here, for reasons I can't figure out. Kate's hair is in a similar manner to last week's 50s bouffant, and still looks good. Her dress is a demure black number with long sleeves that completely covers her cleavage, and she has a giant poppy tucked in the top. It's all very modest, and she doesn't look even remotely like some kind of confectionary. Are we in bizarro-world or something? Kate tells us that the seven remaining finalists will be singing "some of the greatest love songs ever written for your votes." People write love songs for our votes? Now there's a TV competition that could be interesting. Or perhaps Kate needs to learn how to use her voice to punctuate her sentences properly. Tonight's special guest is that staple of the modern pop industry, Julio Iglesias.

We're starting with Sharon this week, and for some reason all of the shots of the judges are weirdly bleached out, like someone screwed up the lighting or something. Ben is first to perform, and says that last week didn't go well for him, what with Simon hating his performance and everything. Sharon says that it wasn't his best week, and knows that he needs to step up. Simon: "When he's great, he's great. When he's terrible, he's dreadful." Okay, last week's performance wasn't that bad. Seriously, Simon, when you gave us Ray's swing version of 'Waterloo', you need to be very careful re: stones and glass houses. Ben went home this week to se his family. His mum seems lovely, and hugs him a lot. Sharon reminds us that Ben erects marquees (snerk) for a living. Ben starts to cry and says that he had a great time doing that, but he wants to be a proper musician. Sharon tells us that Ben's tried every avenue and had doors slammed in his face. So, you're trying to encourage us to support Ben by telling us that he's a loser? Interesting strategy. Ben takes to the stage, and it's his turn to carry the Journey South Memorial Guitar of Irrelevance this week. He'll be singing Aerosmith's 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing', a song I really hate. His attempt at making it his own seems to be just...singing...it...really...slowly. That said, I can't deny that he does have a lovely voice when he really lets it loose and stops all that gravelly affectation, and he does sound lovely on the choruses. He puts the guitar on the floor at the beginning of the second verse, by the way, because as we established earlier, it's completely irrelevant. I think there's a wind machine at work here, as well. He goes up to a girl in the audience and basically starts groping her, and I really hope that's his real-life girlfriend or something, because otherwise he's kind of a sex pest. Seriously - there's such a thing as flirting with the audience as part of your performance, and there's basically unzipping and sticking your cock in their mouth, which is what Ben was veering dangerously close to there. Louis tells Ben that he was a little worried at the beginning because Ben seemed unsure of himself, but he got it back and it was a great ending. He still thinks Ben will be in the final. Simon tells Ben he needed that after last week, and he says his only criticism is that the film clip was corny, and singing to the girl was corny, and the wind machine was corny. He tells Ben that he doesn't need all those props (interestingly, he neglects to mention that Ben doesn't need the Journey South Memorial Guitar of Irrelevance either, since that was just as corny as the rest of it), because he's one of the best singers they've ever had. He also tells Ben not to diss building marquees. Sharon calls Simon "Darth Vader" for some reason, and tells Ben that she too was worried about him at the beginning, but it was a great performance. She tells Ben that Simon has to go for the low blow and can't just be nice, and well, isn't that his job? If we wanted someone whose entire job was to be nice, we'd get Paula Abdul back. There's no point in having judges if they don't point out things that don't work, Sharon. Stop stirring. The judges bicker pointlessly, and Kate cuts them off. Ben says this was the first time he's opened the show, and it was nerve-wracking for him. He panicked when the fan came on, apparently. He says "these are emotional times", somewhat portentously. Kate closes the segment with "Not afraid to be emotional: it's Ben." Hee. Can we call him Gentle Ben from now on? Yes? Good.

After the ad break, we're back with Louis and the groups, two boys from Scotland who are "fighting, fighting, fighting to stay in the competition." They're called the MacDougall Brothers, right? He also adds: "Simon owes them an apology." No he doesn't; you owe us an apology for inflicting them on us, you idiotic little smarmpot. Flashback to Simon telling the boys they cannot win. Blonde MacDougall tells us that Simon wants them gone, but the audience keep voting for them. Simon: "Ashley goes, the MacDougalls stay in, it's like the world's gone completely mad." Yep, I can't understand why it wasn't Ray who went home either, but let's not let that distract us, shall we? (Note to self: never pause video on a freeze-frame of Louis Walsh again. It's really not good for my stress levels.) Louis blathers about the public making the decision and that's what counts. The MacDougalls go back to the hotel where they used to be wedding singers (presumably they will soon be making this journey on a more permanent basis) and comment on how small it is. Simon thinks Scotland is watching the show with the volume turned down. Renate, the hotel manager, tells us that if Simon Cowell turned up on the doorstep of their hotel, he'd be murdered. That's true, that area did look rough as arseholes from what we saw. Mother MacDougall tells us how hard it is listening to Simon ripping into her boys. Simon refuses to believe that they're still in this show because they're good singers. No, they're in the show because you hate them, and the audience love being contrary. When are you going to learn that and damn them with some faint praise already? Simon thinks they can just stand on stage and bark and they'll still stay in. Hee. The audience boos this part of the VT. Sharon says that she wants some "ooomph" from them, but no one complains about Sharon not liking them because she's The Nice One. The MacDougalls say they came in feeling like wedding singers, but now they feel like pop stars. Well, I'm glad two people are convinced, at least. They're singing 'She's The One'. On stools. Betcha couldn't guess Louis Walsh is their mentor, could you? It's possibly just my recording of the show, but the backing seems to keep going out of tune. Oh, and they get up off the stools! I didn't see that coming AT ALL. The singing's okay (nothing to write home about), but it's still so incredibly dull. Although I haven't spotted any creepy incest vibes this week, so I'm grateful for small mercies. Even if they do insist on gazing meaningfully into each others' eyes all the time. There's no conviction, no stage presence, and I don't understand why they're still here, at all. I'd still rather be rid of Ray, of course, but that doesn't excuse their continued presence when Dionne's at home watching this in her curlers. The audience whoops for them big time at the end, drowning Sharon out (thank you, audience!). Sharon says that she prays that they win, "because Darth Vader here has to pay £1 million for you guys if you win." Urgh. Shut up, Sharon. You're just being a fucking idiot now, not that I ought to be surprised by that. Attempting to say at least one thing of relevance, she says that Mark has said the same thing every week: if the show gave out a purple heart for bravery, they'd win it. Oh, whatever. All this MacDougalls vs The World stuff is pissing me right off now. It's not bravery, it's famewhorism. And yes, I'm aware that isn't a real world. It doesn't make it any less true. Sharon says this is their best "song" so far. Note: not best "performance". Simon's comments: "It wasn't horrible. I'm not saying it's the best vocal I've ever heard in my life, because it's not." He tells Sharon that her comment was stupid, which: duh. But still good to have someone point it out, anyway. He seems remarkably confident they're not going to win, so I just hope he has access to the voting tallies and knows they're getting closer to the bottom or something. Please, God. Simon tells them that the problem is there are better singers than them in the competition (some of the audience clap at this, which is hilarious, especially as there are some confused boos in there as well. Nobody told the monkeys how to respond to that one!). He tells them that unless they raise their game, they will go back to being wedding singers, "albeit at a slightly larger wedding." Hee. Louis tells them it's their best performance yet, and yammers on about how Simon owes them an apology, which: still no. Simon, in this week's cul-de-sac of WTF?, puts his hand up and tells us all he's 25% Scottish. Er, that's nice. Louis makes some joke about that being Simon's head, which falls flat, because Louis isn't funny or clever. Kate gives out the voting numbers, and says "high praise indeed tonight!" Yep, "you were marginally less shit" is very high praise.

Next up is Ray. He says that last week's performance was a risk, because no one's ever done a swing version of 'Waterloo'. Of course, it's not as much of a risk as NOT DOING A FUCKING SWING SONG FOR THE NINETY MILLIONTH TIME would have been, but whatever. Louis says Ray has to do something different this week and prove he's not a one-trick pony. I can't believe I'm saying this, but: word, Louis. Simon doesn't care what Louis thinks, because everyone on this show is a moron, of course. Ray goes home, and his mum says how much he loves performing on a stage. "The bigger the audience, the better he gets." Wow, they must have some deceptively small audiences on this show. Interestingly, Ray's dad is also called Ray, and is the one to blame for turning Ray into Croonsy McSwingpants. He blathers some irritating stuff about how swing is "longevity, never mind that other stuff". Yeah, never mind all those operas that have been around since the 17th century, swing music is the proof of timelessness. Whatever, Ray Senior. Ray's proud of himself for sticking to what he loves. Yes, because diversity of taste is a terrible, terrible thing. Ray goes back to school, where his mum was Bernie Nolan and he was being bullied by a girl called Imelda, whom he then killed. He talks about being on stage at school dressed as a chicken and realising that was where he wants to be. In a barn? Simon calls Ray "a born entertainer" (yuck), and Ray says "it's just put that little seed in me" (EW) "and I want this tree to keep on growing, baby." Okay, I need to clean out my brain with about 12 pints of Domestos. Ray will be singing 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love', in a swing style, because he's such a versatile artist. He appears to also be doing some kind of crude Elvis impersonation at the same time, which is bizarre. It's like watching some kind of cringeworthy school talent show, where you want to smother the irritating parents who enabled this behaviour in their child. Also: this would appear to be another example of Ray obeying the letter of the theme, if not the spirit. This should have been an opportunity for Ray to show some subtlety, if not some diversity. Yuck. He even tries to be sexy at the end of the song, and it's so disgusting that I can't even tell you. Ray applauds himself at the end, of course. Sharon tells Ray that he's a natural. Some of the audience start chanting "Ray! Ray! Ray!" and Sharon tells them to shut up. I would have chloroformed them, but that's just me. Sharon tells Ray that he's very polished at what he does, that he's definitely got a future in this industry (like Steve Brookstein, you mean?) but she doesn't know if he's an album seller. She says that Simon's playing it safe every week. Yep, because God forbid Ray should take any responsibility for his own crappy performance or anything. Louis agrees with Sharon: Ray does the same thing every week, and he wants something new next week. You wanted something new this week, Louis, and you didn't get it. Can't you be a bit more forceful. Simon: "If you buy a chocolate digestive, you don't want a Jaffa Cake." Oh, Simon. I always want a Jaffa Cake. Bad example. He says his job is to bring out the best in Ray, and that they're going to continue to do what Ray does best. He predicts that Ray might make the final. Yes, and I might have a coronary.

Kate reminds us that "the last two girls in the competition", Nikitta and Leona, are still to come. I wonder why she chooses this week to remind us of that; was Ashley considered one of the girls? Adverts. Andy Abraham has a new album out. If you buy it, I will kill you.

We're back with Simon, and Nikitta. Rihanna's 'Unfaithful' plays, and Nikitta gets upset about last week. Apparently she's cross because her mentor told her she was out of tune. Please, Nikitta, do not go all Conway Sisters on us. I assure you it will not end well. Louis and Sharon say that Simon doesn't know what he's doing with Nikitta. Simon says he's got it wrong almost every week, and this week he has to get it right. You're going to send Ray home? Good choice! Oh, fine: let's just hope he's finally giving Nikitta a ballad, for fuck's sake. Nikitta goes home to the place where she used to dream about being a pop star. She talks about going home to the empty house. You know, because Her Mother Is Dead. And they'd been doing so well, too. A good couple of weeks, and nary a mention of Nikitta's Mother, Who Is Dead. I guess they're pulling out all the stops for her this week. We see Katie there giving Nikitta a hug (and later reduced to "Nikitta's auntie" on a caption - that's gotta smart), and Nikitta's Nana Pearl. Auntie Karen talks about Nikitta's Dead Mother some more, just in case we weren't up to speed on that yet. Nikitta doesn't want to be just sitting around the house, thinking about "could've beens". So, is she going to bring it this week? She looks lovely in a red wraparound dress, so that's a start. Nikitta will be singing Donna Summer's 'Last Dance'. It's not quite a ballad, but it'll do for now, I guess. On stage are some dancers, of the variety of gimmick that Simon claims a good artist does not need. Hmmm. Also: is it really a good idea to give Nikitta a song with the line "when I'm bad, I'm so, so bad"? Again, this isn't necessarily a song I'd call a love song, but it's closer than Ray's, at least. It does appear to be an incredibly loose theme week, anyway. Nikitta's performance, you say? It's okay. At least there's something for her to get her chops around on this song, but it's still not really that good a fit for her. The last note is, unfortunately, really off, and that's a shame. Louis tells her that was so much better than last week - for the first time in the competition she looked great and sounded great and looked happy. He also says that it's very hard to sing a Donna Summer song that well. And I'm sure Louis has tried it when he's boogying in the disco with his top off. The Bitch Factor holds no responsibility for any mental trauma caused by that image. Nikitta thanks Louis gleefully. Sharon tells Nikitta she was definitely in her comfort zone tonight, and she looks gorgeous. Simon agrees with the others: he tells her it was much better, she looked like she was having fun. Nikitta thanks the judges, and says it feels amazing to have all three of them say something good. Kate asks Nikitta what it would mean for her to make the final, and Nikitta gets the giggles. She says it would mean the world, and thanks everyone for supporting her, including Scotland. See, Simon doesn't hate Scotland! He likes Nikitta, and he's 25% Scottish!

Another ad break? Bloody hell. Can we have some programme to go with our adverts please?

It's time for Eton Road. They loved last week. Louis says they have the full package. Simon says that last week was the week they emerged as possible winners. There's a clip of Anthony's mum Henrietta, who looks awesome, and tells us that her son is "lovely". Awww. We see the Eaton Road Dance School where they met, and they admit they changed the spelling to look a little bit more funky. And also: more Berkshire, less Merseyside. What? Don't tell me you weren't thinking it too. There are some hilarious pictures of them as kids. There's a freeze frame of them walking across the road, Abbey Road-style, as they tell us that Louis has picked a Beatles song for them. Because that's probably the biggest mental stretch he can make when asked to choose a song for four boys from Liverpool. James's parents (okay, James is the blond one - this helps!) say they're excited from them to be doing a Beatles song. David's dad (and David is the one with the spiky brown hair, whom I might fancy a little bit) says the emotions will be sky high. We don't see the other one's parents, but at least now I can go on the website and do a process of elimination (the other one's Daniel, I now know). Knowing my luck, now that I know which one's which, they'll get eliminated. They'll be singing 'From Me, To You'. They keep singing to each other in that really gay way that the boybands on this show seem to have. It's kind of cute, though. There's a bit of choreography, although it's kind of cheesy. They sound okay, if not amazing, but there's just something incredibly cute about them as a package that makes it really hard for me to dislike them. They include a bit in the middle for Anthony to do a falsetto, which sounds odd and kind of weird and I think they'd have been better off leaving that out and just allowing him to harmonise with the melody, but what do I know? I have to admit, despite myself, I enjoyed that. Simon's comment? "What was that bit in the middle? I just didn't get that." Told you so. Simon thought it was a bad choice of song, "and it looked like Louis had sent you back to boyband school in 1986. The routine was lazy, there was no real attempt to share the vocals, the choreography was fifteen years out of date, the track sounded dated, you can't do a Beatles sound justice, the bit in the middle was just weird. I thought you were really good last week, and you were completely and utterly average tonight. Sorry. You're better than that." Ouch. But look at David's lovely smile! Sharon calls them "her darlings" and says they can do no wrong for her. She does admit that the choreography was dated, but that it wasn't their fault, and says they made the song their own. "No they didn't," interjects Simon, and not for the first time this evening, Sharon morphs into Nikki Grahame and bawls "I LIKED IT, IF YOU DON'T MIND!" Louis agrees with Sharon. He thinks Simon is jealous because they're trying something different, UNLIKE SOME OF HIS ACTS (oh good, we're pulling each other's hair now), and says that it's good for Anthony to show off his amazing vocal range. Not like that, it isn't. I like Anthony and all, but there's a time and a place. Daniel says that it's impossible to do a Beatles song, but they tried to make it their own. Anthony says that he really respects Simon, and they've had a hard week because he's had a chest infection for the past four days, not that he's making excuses, "and I haven't even told me family about me throat because I don't wanna upset me nan." HA! That's brilliant. Louis starts yelling and drowning out the rest of Anthony's comments, because this show doesn't give a shit about the contestants.

Leona says that last week was incredible. Simon reminds us that we've never had a girl win The X Factor (to which I say, dude, it's only on its third series. It's not like saying you've never had a woman win a Nobel Prize), and he thinks Leona could change that. I hope so. Louis says that Leona has done really well so far, "but the only way you can go from the top is down." God, he is such a cunt. I'm sorry, but he is. Leona goes home to see her family, and her mum says that Leona's wanted to be a singer all her life. Leona's father (and again, both of her parents seem pretty cool) says that he's incredibly proud of her. Leona wells up again on VT. Leona's older brother Bradley (who's kind of hot) says that he's proud of his little sister, and she's just doing better and better. Leona goes back to where she used to work as a receptionist, and her old boss says that he advertised her job after he saw her on the programme because he knew she wouldn't be coming back, and that it was the happiest cause he's ever had to advertise a job. Hee. Leona says that she used to wear a headset for work, and when no one was looking she used to pretend she was singing at her own concert. Ha! I totally used to do that too, when I worked in the Gap. I suspect my attempts were less impressive than Leona's, mind. Leona says her life has changed, but at any time it could be here today and gone tomorrow - she could be back at her desk, daydreaming again. And while I applaud her sensible attitude here, she did hear that they've advertised her job, right? How galling would it be to be eliminated and unemployed in one fell swoop? Leona sings 'Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word', and her hair's been kind of straightened on top and curled at the end, and looks lovely. It's another effortless performance from Leona, and I'm biased because I really like her, but she absolutely knocks everyone else onto this show into a cocked hat. Which means, she'll probably be eliminated any day now, because this show does not like its contestants to actually be talented. Admittedly, it is still a bit like listening to Christina Aguilera, and it'd be nice to have a week where I didn't have to say that about Leona, but name me another British singer her age who can do this, because I can't think of any right now. She does a run at the end (a vocal run, not a literal run across the stage), which threatens to get away from her, but she keeps it under control because she's awesome. Simon gives her a standing ovation. Sharon tells her it was a very emotional performance, that she told the story of the song, and it was beautifully sung. Louis tells Leona that she delivers every week without gimmicks ("no sax players, no silly dancers" - heh). He calls her a class act, and says for the third week running "I think you could be the first winner. Female. Of X Factor." That's a sentiment. Lovely. To hear. Leona gushes her thanks. Simon tells her: "Honestly, that was world-class." He talks about her overcoming her shyness, reminds us again that we've never had a female winner, and says that she's a role model for every little girl in an office who dreams of being a popstar. Um, shouldn't the "little girls" be in, you know, school? Do we need some kind of exposé on the exploitation of minors in British offices? Kate tells Leona that every week her comments get bigger and better. Leona thanks the judges, and says that they inspire her to get better, and thanks everyone for supporting her. Awww. I love Leona.

Back from what is hopefully the final ad break, and we're closing with Sharon and Robert. Sharon claims she's "saved the best for last". Oh, please. Robert whines about being in the bottom two twice, and the public not thinking he's as good as he'd like to believe he is. I break out the world's tiniest violin. We go back to Homerton Hospital, where Robert used to change the beds and do the lunches, and occasionally sing to his captive audience. I bet that made them want to get better a hell of a lot faster. Going back was "bittersweet", because he doesn't want to go back there, and doesn't feel it's where he belongs. Yep, because attending to the sick is such a worthless vocation in comparison to reality TV. Shut up, Robert. He says he'll be honouring them with the song he'll be singing tonight. He sang it at his sister's funeral (oh good! A new sob story!) and it means a lot to him. I hope he'll be honouring his family with his presence permanently after this week. Sharon says that it's hard for a man to stand up and let his emotions run the way Robert has. Robert's mum (who continues to follow the trend by looking awesome) says she's proud of him, and Robert says he's going to sing and show his soul and show people what real love is all about. Robert's singing a song that I think is called 'Always And Forever', and it's one of those low-key performances without the stupid ad libs that he usually throws in, which means he's probably here to annoy me for another week. Snore. And I could do without him looking so constipated on the high notes. He throws in some of that stupid grinning bouncy shit at the end, because he can't not, and what little goodwill I have prompty vanishes. Simon says he wants to judge Robert purely as a singer, leaving his story aside: "That was your best vocal by a mile." He tells Robert he's just put himself back in the race. Louis tells Robert he doesn't know why he was in the bottom two last week. Because he was shit? He says he's glad he saved Robert, and Robert has a lot of soul. Sharon says Robert gave her goosebumps, and that he nailed it. Robert says he's glad to have had the chance to show off what he can do, and there's a lot more that he can do. Kate asks him if it was a hard song to sing, and he says it wasn't, he just had to keep his emotions in check. Kate says it was really fitting and beautiful. Kate asks Robert what he would like to say to the voting public. Robert: "It's better to spend 70p than £32 for a ticket." Oh, as if you'll ever be worth that, you tool. Seriously, shut up. But the sob story and the above average performance means he's bound to still be here next week, I'm sure of it.

Performance recap: Gentle Ben bored his way through Aerosmith, the MacDougall Brothers were slightly less shit than usual, Ray was obnoxious as ever, Nikitta reminded us that this was her last chance, Eton Road were cute but slightly dull, Leona was head and shoulders above the rest, and Robert sang for his sister. Who Is Dead. At this rate, we'll have to rename the show The Death Factor. Kate asks the judges who they loved as a standout performance tonight. Simon's was Leona. Sharon's was Robert. Louis's was Robert and Eton Road. Kate reminds us to tune in for Julio Iglesias and the results. Thornton: out.

Results

Tonight! People sang for your votes, although the clips are all from previous weeks as far as I can tell. Suxx0rs. Kate tells us that tonight's vote was the biggest and closest of the series, and for the first time actually says that "a million votes have been cast". Interesting that it's so low, considering the show gets six million viewers and most of the people who vote probably vote more than once. Performance recap, as we've seen. Kate finally gets around to introducing Julio Iglesias, "the undisputed king of romance". Easy on the hyperbole there, Thornton. Apparently every 30 seconds, one of his records is played somewhere in the world. That's kind of scary. He's also the highest-selling male Latin artist ever. Julio sings 'I Want To Know What Love Is', and as non-PC as this may sound, I giggle when his accent leads him to sing that he has to "read between the lions". Hehehe. Anyway, we know what this is like, so let's skip ahead. Interestingly, Julio is not invited to talk to Kate or give his opinion on the contestants. I'm kind of glad they've dispensed with that, to be honest.

Back from the ads, and Kate claims that "more than a million of you" have voted. Hmm. I'm not sure all of those votes came from different people, as I said above. Anyway, Kate gives the one-minute warning and welcomes back the judges and contestants. Kate wishes the contestants luck and we get the results, as ever, in no particular order (with lots of people screaming for Leona): Robert, Leona, Eton Road, Gentle Ben and...the MacDougall Brothers. I am lost for words. But hooray! Ray is in the bottom two! I mean, Nikitta's clearly the one who's going home, but hooray all the same! Simon is utterly and literally lost for words at what happened tonight. Kate asks Nikitta how she feels, and she says she'll do her best. Ray claims he was ready to be in the bottom two (bullfish). Kate throws to Sharon and Louis, who both have all their acts coming back, and asks them what they're looking for. Sharon, drinking leisurely from a glass of water with her feet on the desk: "Ooh, I don't know yet!" Okay, I'll admit: I laughed at that. Simon shoots them both a stink-eye. Kate: "Well, Simon, look on the bright side: only one act has to go tonight." Hee. Ray delivers a carbon copy of his earlier performance, so I shall be skipping through it. Kate introduces Nikitta, singing for what could be her final time, blah blah blah. Obviously her song takes on a whole new meaning in this context. I actually think she's slightly better the second time around. She moves about as gracefully as, well, Dionne, though. I think Nikitta's performance is both the better and the more improved of the two, but unless Sharon and Louis vote tactically in her favour (i.e. if they don't give Simon the casting vote), she's so going home.

Sharon gets the first vote, and she's suddenly all business, telling them that just now when she had her feet up, she was laughing at Simon not at them. Yeah, it's a bit too late to suddenly pretend to respect them now, isn't it Sharon? Sharon tells Ray that he owns what he does, his confidence with everything he does, "even though everything you do is very swingy." Hee! Sharon tells Nikitta that the second time she sang she was fighting, and she wished she'd seen that before because it really made a difference. Sharon votes to send home Nikitta. Louis tells Nikitta she was great tonight and she nailed it, and he thinks Ray's great too. Louis votes to send Ray home, so the vote is with Simon, unsurprisingly. Bet pounds to pennies he sends Nikitta home. Simon says he thought he'd made up his mind until the final performance. He says it's difficult because he put Nikitta in ahead of Ray initially, and she was much better in the auditions and boot camps than Ray was. And turning to Ray, he says: "Maybe we've got it wrong. Maybe the audience are bored of you, I'm not sure." The audience yells emphatically that they are NOT bored of Ray. I would like to know how they managed to get the only people in the entire country who aren't sick of Ray into the same room on the same night. Simon says this is his problem, and appears to be really deep in thought. The audience shouts, and it's kind of a mess, so you can't really hear who they're rooting for. Simon says he's changed his mind, and sends Nikitta home. Yeah, like that wasn't his plan ALL ALONG. Gah. Oh well, at least we were close. And hopefully this means Ray won't win. Ray kisses Nikitta's hand, and Nikitta kisses...the back of his neck? Okay, that was weird. The audience gives Nikitta a standing ovation, and we see her journey on the show. She was great in the auditions, and kind of ropey in a lot of the live shows. Simon tells Nikitta he's sorry, and Nikitta thanks Simon for taking a chance on her, and says that if it wasn't for the songs he'd given her, she wouldn't have been there at all. That doesn't make a lot of sense, but is a nice sentiment all the same. Kate asks Simon why he sent Nikitta home, and Simon dodges the question by saying that neither Ray nor Nikitta should have been in the bottom two, and that he feels he let her down, and he's sorry, but it's been a pleasure to work with her. Awww. Okay, that got me a little bit. What? Shut up. Go away.

Bjorn On The Fourth Of July. Or November, whatever.

Performance Show 4: 4th November 2006

PREVIOUSLY! There were highs, if you were Ben, Ray or Leona. There were lows, if you were the MacDonald Brothers, Kerry or Dionne. A blustery recap tells us that Simon is the only judge with all of his acts remaining, since Sharon and Louis are both down two. Cue titles!

Y'know, all the pomp that opens this show is actually beginning to look so sad. Now that we've all realised how crap the artists are, and come to the collective decision that the emperor is indeed naked, it all rings rather hollow. Anyway, we are introduced to the judges and their contestants, because let's face it: the majority of them are so dull that if we were left to our own devices we probably would have forgotten all of their names. The show seems to think these people are all still pretty important, though, so we'll humour them.

Kate's dressed as a giant Quality Street again (hazel in caramel, for those of you keeping score) and while her dress seems to be suggesting that all roads lead to Rome (Rome in this case being the upper section of Kate's midriff) and making her hips look utterly gargantuan, her hair actually looks rather fantastic. It's all big and Diana Dors-y, which really suits her, so props to Kate's hairdresser this evening. Tonight the finalists will be taking on the most challenging pop songs ever, because it's Abba night. And Joel and I had this conversation way back when they had an Abba week during the original Pop Idol: these songs were written for two women to harmonise on, so basically no one's going to sound good attempting these. In fact, this might have been the one week where The Unconventionals could have righteously whomped everyone's arses, being the only act in the entire competition with more than one female vocalist, but it looks like we'll never know.

Tonight's very special guest is Abba's Bjorn Ulvaeus (and I hope I've spelt that correctly), whom Kate calls "a musical genius". I'm happy with that definition, so we'll move right on. I am of the opinion that Abba wrote and performed some of the finest pop songs ever, by the way, so I will be particularly unforgiving when recapping tonight's performances. Bjorn tells us that the songs are much harder to sing than we might think. He's been working with them this week, and claims he was "pleasantly surprised" by how they gave their own personality to the songs. In other words: Ray's song will be a fucking swing version, and I will want to kill him more than ever before.

Kate reminds us that Simon still has all four acts left intact, while Louis and Sharon only have four between them. Simon's first act is Nikitta, who doesn't think she's doing very well because she keeps getting criticised for her song choices. We see Sharon and Louis making their usual nonsensical criticisms of Nikitta (I'm still unsure why it's apparently impossible for a person to sing a song written before they were born, especially since Jamie Cullum The Hateful Jazz Gnome makes a comfortable living out of it), and Nikitta thinks Simon isn't getting her yet. Simon tells us that he's trying hard to find that song that suits her perfectly. Louis and Sharon both bitch about Simon's apparently poor mentoring skills, despite the fact that they're both two acts down and Nikitta hasn't even been in the bottom two yet, so whatever Simon's doing wrong, he's not doing it nearly as badly as they are. Nikitta meets Bjorn, and we find out she'll be singing 'Dancing Queen' (oy - let's give her the most karaoke song of the bunch, just in case she doesn't already have enough millstones around her neck) and he says that song suits her, so when Louis claims the opposite later, we can all officially tell him to shove it sideways. Nikitta comes out in an electric blue dress, which is lovely but unfortunately makes her bottom look rather large, and begins the uphill struggle of trying to make 'Dancing Queen' sound fresh and original. A few parts of the song are far too low for her register, and it's really quite a dull performance. Incidentally, her backing singers appear to have more stage presence than Nikitta does, which is rather worrying for all of us. Sharon tells Nikitta that she's already looking worried before Sharon's even said anything, and my response to that is: yes, because now more than ever you and Louis both want to score points over Simon, and Nikitta is the easiest target. I'm not saying that she deserves positive feedback for what was an entirely uninspiring performance, but if I were in Nikitta's shoes, my face would also be saying "oh great, here comes the tidalwave of sideswipes". Sharon tells Nikitta that she has problem with her pitching, and Nikitta mumbles "I wouldn't say it was totally off-key; I think I did all right." Somebody in the audience with a thick Scottish accent (possibly a family member, and it would be awesome if it were Katie) yells "it was brilliant, Nikitta!" and there are cheers. Sharon says that she has to be blatantly honest because there can be no allowances any more, being so close to the final. First of all: not nearly close enough for my liking, matey, and second of all, where precisely was the cut-off point between this week and last, where you decided on The Xtra Factor that it wasn't appropriate for you to criticise Ray's pitch (or lack thereof) on the main show, because that would be too mean? In short: Dear Sharon, shut the fuck up unless you're going to be consistent, you overbotoxed nitwit. Sharon reiterates about Nikitta's pitching problems and says that she looks uncomfortable. Louis agrees with Sharon, and the audience boos. He says the song was too big for her, and given that the guy who wrote it said something quiet contrary, I'm going to tell Louis to shove it sideways. Dear Louis, shove it sideways. Nikitta answers back and tells him the song doesn't fit her. Louis tells it it's not her fault because Simon gave her the wrong song again. Nikitta: "Simon gave me a song, and I changed it to that one." Ha! I love that Nikitta hates Louis almost as much as I do. Louis says that it still doesn't work, and Nikitta looks to her right, all "Kate, a little help here please?" Simon tells her she shouldn't have changed the song because this was the week they needed to transform her into a singer, and this song is a minefield. (Please god let the poor girl sing a ballad. The audition rounds should be enough evidence that's where her strengths are.-Joel) He also says that it was out of tune, and Nikitta looks rather broken. Kate begs the audience to vote for Nikitta, who is now totally crying. The voice from the audience shouts more praise for Nikitta, and this would be the brilliant opportunity for someone to claim it's the unruly spirit of Nikitta's Dead Mother, but that opportunity remains lost, much like the point of this entire show.

Coming back from the break, Kate reminds us that it's Abba night and we're over to Louis with the groups, and Eton Road are on first. We flash back to last week's horrendous performance, and Anthony's still bitter about Simon's criticism. Louis says that they're having more fun than any other act on the show, and that I'd agree with. Sharon thinks that Eton Road have the best chance of pulling off an Abba song out of anyone, and again I agree. They'll be singing 'Does Your Mother Know?', and it sounds good in rehearsals. Bjorn tells them it suits them as a group, but then he said that to Nikitta, so who knows? Their dance routine is hilarious and totally cute, and Anthony's overdoing his harmony lines as usual, bless him. They sound good, though, and I totally need to learn their names properly because I still don't know the names of all the ones who aren't Anthony. The camera cuts to the judges, and Louis is bopping in his seat and singing along. Heh. Anthony's hair looks less Kelly Osbourne-like this week. There are a few bits where it all seems a little shambolic and disorganised, but is it wrong of me to find that slightly charming? They are, as everyone said, having a lot of fun with the song, and it's infectious enough for the odd dropped line not to be that big a deal. Louis applauds heartily at the end, and Simon calls the performance "as camp as a row of tents. Let's be honest: if Louis couldn't get Abba night right, there's a problem." Hee. Simon says that it wasn't the best vocal ever (true), nor was it the best choreography ever (also true), but it was "a million per cent" better than last week (mathematically dubious, but otherwise true). Sharon tells them that she loves them anyway (drink!) and agrees with Simon that it was camp, and says that they made it their own while maintaining the spirit of Abba. She says that they were great to watch. (I loved it. It was ridiculous and funny and actually fun, which is sorely lacking in this show.-Joel) Louis takes the opportunity for a quick shot back at Simon, saying that 'Does Your Mother Know?' is dedicated to him. Hmmm. Let's move on, since I don't want to get sued. Shaven-Headed Eton Road says that they listened back to their performance from last week and agree with Simon's criticisms, which contradicts what Anthony says in the VT, but I really haven't got time to pick up all of the contradictions in this show because I want to finish this before I turn 50. Anthony appears to have really shiny red shoes, and I'm jealous. Kate rubs Anthony's back as the boys walk off. Hee.

Over to Sharon, and Robert. Robert talks about himself in the third person, which is always a treat, and we get flashbacks of last week's overrated performance. Sharon claims that Simon couldn't have said anything negative about Robert without being "pelted". Hmm. Let's hope Sharon doesn't read this blog, or I'm going to have to start wearing extra layers when I go outside. Simon takes credit for Robert's "good" performance last week after telling him to stop running around like an idiot. Robert is excited about it being Abba week because he used to run around singing 'Super Trouper' when he was younger. Plus ça change, right? Bjorn pronounces Robert's dodgy-sounding rendition of 'Take A Chance On Me' "interesting", and Simon basically says that Robert and Abba are not conventional bedfellows. The arrangement of the song is really slowed-down and piano-led at first, which sounds really weird, but then the ultra-disco beat kicks in and we're back to something resembling normal. Robert struts around the stage and adds all of his annoying ad libs, and also has trouble singing some of the lower notes. Again, his backing singers are more interesting and have more rhythm, because Robert sucks. He jumps for joy when he's finished, possibly as glad that it's over as I am. Louis likes what Robert did with the song (because I'm SO sure that arrangement was all his own work) and tells Robert that he's one of the few natural performers in the show. Sadly no one jumps in at this point to say, "so by your own admission the vast majority of this year's contestants are shit, then?" He tells Robert that he looks great. Simon says Robert had a great week last week, but not tonight. Simon says Eton Road made their song sound current in a weird way, but Robert's sounded dated. Sharon talks over Simon and won't let him finish, and Robert obnoxiously talks back to Simon and claims that Simon liked it really. He also claims that he was nervous, but he enjoyed himself, so it's all fine. Yep, the first thing I look for when buying a CD is whether the artist enjoyed making it or not. Sharon tells Robert not to defend himself to Simon because that's what she's there for, and then wheels out the "Simon's just jealous" argument for the infinitieth time. (Yes, Sharon. He wants all the acts that aren't his out. Which is why he just said Eton Road were good. Dumbass.-Joel) She tells Robert to take no notice of Simon, because ignoring criticism is what truly makes a fine artist. Mercifully, Kate does not give Robert an opportunity to talk further; she simply reads his numbers and tells us that Leona and the MacDonald Brothers are coming up.

After another word from Nokia, we are back with Simon and the 16-24s, specifically the "absolutely amazing" Leona. Last week Leona sang 'Summertime' and was awesome, and was Simon's OMG BEST CONTESTANT EVAR, by his own admission. Louis says that she was amazing last week, but has probably peaked now. Simon admits that he's nervous about the song he's chosen for her, which is 'Chiquitita'. Bjorn tells her to read the words again and try to put herself into the place of the person in that song, which doesn't sound like he was massively impressed with her performance. Leona begins with the patented Katharine McPhee trick of kneeling on the stage. She seems to be singing the song an octave higher than usual, and it's a bit of an uneasy fit at first, but by the time the chorus is in and she's walking around the stage I'm getting chills. (Again, best of the night. I loved how she span in a circle for 'you'll be dancing once again.' So cute.-Joel) It's not nearly as good as last week's performance, but I think it still stands a fairly good chance of being among the best of this week's all the same. She totally does a Christina Aguilera on it, as she always does, and if this show can't produce a good original artist, I guess I can be happy with it producing an above-average copy of a good original artist. The audience goes nuts when she finishes, to the point where Sharon has to shush them so she can speak. Sharon says that the song is beautiful and that Leona has a fantastic vocal range, but warns her off the vibrato and the "Christina wobbly lip thing". Heh. Louis tells her she always does a good job, but says it was a bit like Mariah Carey singing an Abba song, but he thinks she could be the first girl to win. Didn't he say that last week. Simon: "I love Louis using 'you sound like Mariah Carey' as a negative!" Heh. Simon waxes lyrical about how she's blossomed from the shy girl he first met, and how she took a risk with the song and tried to make it her own, and pronounces her in a different league to everyone else. Leona thanks the judges, and says that she's trying to do her own thing but is totally flattered by the Mariah/Christina comparisons, which I think is fair enough.

Next up are the MacDonald Brothers, who are still desperate to win Simon's approval. Louis says that Simon has it in for them, and he doesn't know why. Bjorn tells the boys what the song is about, and Simon says that he has a feeling this could be the most horrible performance they've had yet on the show. Optimism is such a wonderful thing, isn't it? They come on stage, and oh dear God, one of them has the Journey South Memorial Guitar Of Perpetual Irrelevance. (So upset that the blonde one didn't bring out the electric fiddle he had when they met Bjorn.-Joel) They sing 'Fernando' in a very flat and marble-mouthed way. Seriously, this song sounds so weird being sung in a Scottish accent. The performance is so thoroughly inadequate that I'm actually embarrassed for them right now. There's a nice cut of Simon in the audience with his "bitch, please" face on. Blonde MacDonald keeps putting his hand on Dark MacDonald's shoulder, and that's doing nothing to rid me of the creepy incest vibes. Sharon tells them that they've taken so much stick from her and Simon, and keep coming back without being in the bottom two, so basically what she has to say on the matter is irrelevant. No, really, that's what she says. It's a shame she doesn't realise that what she says is irrelevant all the time, rather than this specific occasion. She hands over to Simon, who thinks the problem is that they cannot in a billion years win this competition. He calls it a "mediocre, very Scottish" version of the song, with "the worst guitar solo I have ever heard in my life". Heh - I love that he thinks that's actually any kind of obstacle to winning this contest. Louis does the "shut up, you know nothing about guitars" response and the audience does their usual Pavlovian cheer, because they're morons. Louis tells them the harmonies were spot-on, and that Scotland will vote for them. Just Scotland, mind. Kate asks them if they have any words for Simon, and they give the usual "eh, we're trying" response. Kate reminds us that they're still here, as though we could forget them before they've even left the stage. Chance would be a fine thing. It's Ray and Ben up next.

Back from the break, and Simon introduces Ray. We're shown nauseating clips of Ray dancing and singing and acting as a child (not simultaneously), and he recounts his memories of watching The X Factor and thinking "I want to do that". I really hope that his repeated failure to talk about any ambitions beyond the show means that he'll actually turn down the recording contract if he wins. Which he'd better bloody not, because I will not be amused if he does. Clips of his most recent thoroughly offensive performance. Simon asks how do you do a swing version of an Abba song, and the answer is: you don't. You learn to do something besides motherfucking swing so that the audience don't think you're a smug irritating chipmunk who has no skills beyond pisspoor covers of swing songs. Ray will be doing a swing version of 'Waterloo', and I want to kill myself now. Seriously. For a second there I almost debated fast-forwarding through the entire thing, knowing that no one would be any the wiser, but for you guys I will actually watch it. I hope you're proud of yourselves. Ray says that he wants to "take this song and put the Ray (something unintelligible) twist on it". This reminds me of when Ricki-Lee Coulter (aka The Disco Cow) on Australian Idol decided that you could improve a Beatles song immensely by giving it more of a "Ricki-Lee vibe", and was unceremoniously booted out for that assertion, so I'm suddenly hopeful at this point. Ray smarms his way through an utterly horrendous bastardised swing version of Waterloo, whose very smugness threatens to drown us all in an avalanche of Brylcreem, and whoever is voting for him has only themselves to blame for this atrocity. Okay, you know what? I make it as far as the beginning of the second verse, and I give up and fast forward to the end, because I physically cannot bear to endure the rest of it. (I watched it. It kind of went out the other side of bad and became hysterically funny.-Joel) I'm sorry: I tried, I really did, but it just wasn't worth the years of therapy. Is he wearing a fucking cravat under his shirt? Jesus. Louis tells him that the show is called The X Factor not The Swing Factor and calls him a one-trick pony, and that he needs to change if he's going to win. In that case: stick with the swing, Ray! Sharon is actually lost for words, and tells Ray that he's got an old soul. An old arsehole, more like. She vapidly babbles on about it being his genre and says fair play to him. Ray babbles something in response and I actually scream at the TV for him to shut up because I hate him that much. Simon tells Louis to shove his idiotic opinions where the sun doesn't shine because nobody cares, and Louis gets all pissy and informs Simon that he won the show last year (which, no: Shayne won the show. You were his mentor. This is not a judging contest. Once again: shove it, you prick), and Simon equally pissily tells Louis to shut up. I wish they'd followed through on their threat to fire him this series. Simon tells Ray to stick to what he knows, and Ray babbles on about how happy he is, and I hate him so much.

Louis and Simon are still fighting, because they're both idiots, and Sharon attempts to retain some order in the proceedings and introduce Ben. Ben VTs that he would have married Simon last week right there for his comments if he could've done. Well, maybe Kate Thornton can get ordained over the internet and do the honours on next week's show? I think you'd make a lovely couple. Simon VTs that Ben's the one they all have to beat, "but this week: it's Abba". Heh. I should point out here that Joel and I were deeply fearful this week that they'd make Ben sing 'Thank You For The Music', because he's such a proper musician, and he's so real it hurts, and that would have caused us untold amounts of pain and make us hate Ben, whereas now I think we're fairly indifferent to him. I am, at least. Joel can interject here as he sees fit. (He seems like a genuinely lovely guy and he's the only one I could bear to see in the final three with Eton Road and Leona, but that's not to say I like his singing.-Joel) Ben's terrified because he doesn't know any Abba, but he will be singing 'S.O.S.' Bjorn says that Ben should not worry about singing an Abba song; "people who have voices close to Frida and Agnetha, they should worry." I don't know if he meant that to sound quite as insulting as it did, but if so: bravo, Bjorn, that is a fabulous burn. Bravo. Ben gayvoices "let's do one!" and Bjorn laughs. Sharon is confident that Ben will pull it off. Ben hopes it won't be a complete disaster. I'm surprised they haven't given him his piano this week, since there's such a lovely piano melody to accompany this song. Ben gravels his way through the song and sounds weaker than usual, but he actually pulls it off surprisingly well. I don't really like his rocker affectations, but the fact that he can do it without sounding like a goat (which is what so many inept wannabe rockers do, Chris Daughtry) counts in his favour. He darts around the stage like a madman, but looks more graceful than Robert (not difficult) and this is probably a fairly good example of making a song sound more current, I guess. (I really enjoyed it. God, 'stupid but fun' seems to be the best anyone who's not Leona can hope for.-Joel) Louis tells Ben that he pulled it off, and that he's "safe". I do hope that was a prediction of the result, and not Louis trying to be street. Simon hated the song and the arrangement, because it was too soft rock for him, and calls the whole thing "desperate". Ben responds "I hear what you're saying Simon, but I was hoping to get you to commission my new album, From Pop To Rock." Okay, he lost me there. It was a joke, I know, but seriously: the world does not need more people turning pop songs into rock songs in the mistaken belief that it will somehow make them superior, and I'd prefer it if people didn't joke about it because the very idea fills me with rage. Anyway, Ben laughs it off and Sharon tells him that she was "crapping a bit" at the beginning because he was off-key, but that he pulls it back, and then the Random Argument Generator suggests "he's just trying to get rid of you", and we roll another dice and miss a turn.

Back from the ads, and it's Ashley's turn. It's not really surprising that they put him last after the bottom-two scare of last week, because clearly his special brand of misguided arrogance and big hair is this show's bread and butter. In his VT, Ashley's hair is pulled right back off his face and it makes him look really ugly. It's true! The power is all in his hair! Somebody shave it off, quick! He says that last week was a disaster. Louis says that he was unprofessional and cocky, and that he would "rain on him" if he were his mentor. Simon says that he "had a word" with Ashley. Ashley says that being in the bottom two motivated him to be better, and he wouldn't let his petty mistakes ruin his dreams. In rehearsals, he forgets his words again. And anybody who can't remember the words to 'The Winner Takes It All' is dead to me, anyway. That ought to be the first thing you learn in Pop School, motherfuckers. Bjorn claims that it's fine, because he doesn't remember the words half the time either, but he is joking, I am certain. Sideshow Ashley takes the stage with his 'fro back in place, and proceeds to brutally murder and rape the corpse of 'The Winner Takes It All'. There's been some debate about whether his version is worse than Rosie Ribbons's infamous obliteration of the track on the original Pop Idol, to which I shall respond: at least Rosie's version vaguely resembled the original, and wasn't an MOR monstrosity like this is, and at least she waited until the end of the song to really lose the plot, and at least she remembered the words (because Ashley fluffs his again, har har), and at least she didn't pantomime the whole thing as though telegraphing it to a class of particularly slow four-year-olds, so yes, I'd say Ashley's is worse. Far, far worse. Ray still gets the award for worst performance of the night, but Ashley is right there behind him. Sharon is first to comment, and says that he is not good in a lower register, so it's Simon's fault that he sucked rather than Ashley's (seriously: this ridiculous "it's not your fault" crusade that Sharon and Louis are on is not going to help anyone stop sucking any time soon, so STFU already) because of the song choice. Sharon tells Ashley that the big note in the middle saved his "bum", and we'll just see about that when the votes come in, shall we? Louis says that he thinks he was right to save Ashley last week, but he thinks Ashley needs to get better, because his performance lacked conviction and "this is the best Abba song there is". Simon: "Compared to a lot of the performances we've seen tonight, it was fantastic." Translation: "You sucked, but I'm your mentor and I'm drawing on the fact that everyone sucks this year to try to fool people into thinking you sucked less than you actually did." Simon thinks the song is "one of the best songs of all time" (word), but thinks that Ashley's lost his confidence. I for one find that extremely hard to believe. He tells Ashley he has "a presence" and "star quality", and it's all so, so empty really. Ashley says that last week was a wake-up call and that he felt his career was slipping through his fingertips, and he thanks Simon, the judges, his family, God and the viewers, so I think that's everyone.

Recap: Nikitta was off-key. Eton Road were gayer than Christmas. Robert was obnoxious. Leona was high-pitched. The MacDonald Brothers were Scottish. Ray was the worst thing, not just on this show but actually ever. Ben was uncompromising. Ashley was the human equivalent of Nytol. Kate throws to Simon, who says that all of his acts pulled it off, and thanks Bjorn on behalf of the judges for tutoring their loser contestants. He may have worded it slightly differently. Kate promises that Bjorn will be back for the results show to give his opinion on the contestants (and will hopefully be in the tabloids on Monday, giving his actual opinions, like Rod Stewart did). Thornton: out.

Results show

Earlier tonight: people sang Abba songs for your votes! You voted for them, or maybe, like me, you didn't give a shit and went to the pub instead!

Somebody has to go tonight. Who will it be? Please God, let it be Ray. Performance recap, much as above. Kate welcomes back Bjorn, and asks him what he thought of tonight's performances. Like every other celebrity guest this show has had, Bjorn struggles to be complimentary in a very unspecified way without outright admitting that the whole thing was a disaster with perhaps one or two less disastrous moments. He does specify that some versions appealed to him more than others, and when Kate asks for specifics, Simon shouts "Leona!" from his seat. Heh. It's The X Factor pantomime! Starring Leona as Cinderella, Ray and Robert as the Smugly Sisters, Anthony as Snow White and Louis Walsh as the horse's ass. Bjorn agrees that Leona was one of them, and says that she has great potential and says that one day Simon will take her into a recording studio. He doesn't say what they will do when they get there, but says that her version of 'Chiquitita' was very "personal". He also praises Eton Road for having so much fun with it. Kate presses her luck by asking for a third standout act, but Bjorn obligingly names Ben for telling a story with 'S.O.S.' Kate says that she's glad they impressed him "on some level" (heh) and thanks Bjorn for all his effort this week.

Kate welcomes the cast of Mamma Mia! who sing, unsurprisingly, 'Mamma Mia' before breaking into 'Dancing Queen'. It's barely relevant, so I shan't be commenting further. In a weird move, Kate crosses to the finalists backstage on the video screen, and asks Nikitta how she feels. Nikitta is just nervous and waiting for the result. Eton Road are happy that that Bjorn singled them out for praise, but beg for some extra votes all the same. Kate asks why people should vote for Robert. He doesn't mention unborn child this week. Kate asks Leona why she just caught her backstage in tears, and Leona says that she just got really emotional from the pressure. I worry about Leona's ability to cope with a career in showbiz. The MacDonalds hope for some votes. Ray lies that this is the worst part of the day, knowing full well that his performance was the worst part of the day, and of all days past and yet to come. Ben got his first negative comments of the series, but he was expecting them and he did his best, and Bjorn likes him anyway. Ashley hopes he's avoided the bottom two this week.

Adverts! The News of the World teases about an X Factor star's sex and drugs shame. It was Ben, in case you were wondering.

We're back, and the judges lead their contestants back onto the stage as usual. A pleasing blue smudge obscures most of Ray's face when Kate calls his name. Heh. In no particular order, the acts who are safe are: Nikitta (who cries again), Leona (who doesn't), Eton Road (Blonde and Shaved Head hug each other very enthusiastically), the MacDonald Brothers (who are cheerful, though Simon is not), Ray (AAARGH), and Ben, leaving Ashley and Robert in the bottom two again. I keep thinking that the public is getting their voting surprisingly on the money (Ray and the MacDonald Brothers notwithstanding), but when so many acts suck so badly, it's not hard to get two deserving ones in the bottom two. Louis says that he will save the act who can prove they want it most, and that he'll disregard what's gone before and base it on this performance alone. Ashley claims to be unsurprised to be in the bottom two again, and Robert is speechless (small mercies, eh?).

Robert's back on first, and while I'm pleased to see him in the bottom two, I hate that I have to sit through this snorefest again. Robert still can't dance, but is putting a lot of energy into it. Whether that's a good or bad thing depends largely on your opinion of Robert, I suppose. Sideshow Ashley comes back out and looks miserable, which I'm sure will do him lots of favours. He's off-key again, and no amount of mid-song glory notes are going to convince me otherwise. Eventually I wake up, and it's over. Sharon casts the first vote, and votes to send home Ashley, obviously. Simon casts the second vote, and votes to send home Robert and tells Louis he's got to keep Ashley in. Sharon objects, and the audience chants for Robert. Louis tells Ashley that he saved him last week because he's different and has star quality, and tells Robert that he loves his work ethic and his passion. He then repeats what he said about Ashley again, weirdly. He will be sending Ashley home. Ashley looks a bit tearful. Kate asks how he's feeling, and says he's fine, and it's been a privilege to be here, and every journey has to end sometime, etc etc. Kate asks Simon for his thoughts, and Simon is not happy at all. We see Ashley's X Factor journey, where he sounds like Madeleine Peyroux and has big hair, and repeatedly gets attitude with the songs that Simon chooses for him. The clip of his 'Moondance' is kind enough not to show him forgetting his words. Kate asks what it was about Ashley that appealed to Simon, and Simon says that he has star potential, and calls Louis spiteful for voting Ashley out. Ashley tells Simon that they have the strongest team, and Louis wants to take the strongest away so that they can be defeated, which as an argument would hold far more water if he hadn't been the first person in the contest to hit the bottom two two weeks running, so can it, Sideshow. Simon says that Ashley has a future as a singer and should still be in the competition. Whatever. If he's this season's shock elimination, all I can say is that it makes far more sense than the time they booted Maria. Ashley fans, don't fret: we're sure he'll modelling for The Gap soon. Or possibly just working there, following you around and folding the clothes after you've touched them. See you next week!

They can take that away from you, apparently

Performance Show 3: 28th October 2006

So, is everybody ready for the SHOCK TWIST they've been warning us about all week? Because there's a SHOCK TWIST happening in tonight's show. And it's a SHOCK TWIST they were planning all along, and it's not the kind of SHOCK TWIST that they're suddenly invoking to drum up more interest because the show's a big pile of shit this year. (Or because they realised they'd fucked up the schedules and wouldn't end in time to release the single for Christmas if they did one a week?-Joel) And we all know how much the SHOCK TWISTS improved Big Brother, don't we? Sigh. Kate reminds us about the SHOCK TWIST, which the finalists are about to learn about live on stage. Thornton Dresswatch: a feminine black tuxedo-looking thing with a scoop-neck top underneath and a white belt/cummerbund hybrid, which is surprisingly flattering. Well done, Kate!

Kate warns the finalists that there's a SHOCK TWIST: two acts are leaving the competition tonight. She doesn't explain exactly how it's going down, so I shall save my rant on the sheer idiocy of the way they're executing this for later in the recap, because I'd quite like to postpone the coronary of indignation for as long as possible. Kate introduces us to the live band for Big Band night, otherwise known as Ray Is Your Pre-Ordained Winner, Bitches night. Tonight's musical guest is Tony Bennett, and my hope is that being juxtaposed with an actual good swing singer will make everyone realise how much Ray needs to be voted out of the competition, but we'll see, I suppose. Kate asks Tony if Big Band music is difficult to tackle, and Tony says no. (But isn't it challenging with the band? No. Suck it up Kate, Tony Bennett is not for prompting.-Joel) So basically if anybody gets it wrong tonight, it's because they suck. Heh. Tony says that he remembers being in the same position as the contestants, because he and Rosemary Clooney were the first American Idols. I think Tony's slightly confused about what show he's on.

First up singing 'Ain't That A Kick In The Head' is Ray. Nope, that joke's too easy. Croony McSmugpants smugs that this is his week, that it's the week he wanted from the start. Again, you'll notice that he's talking about the show, not the music. Ray meets Tony in rehearsals and smugs all over him. Weirdly, there's a piece from Louis in Ray's VT where he says that Ray needs to do a lot more this week than just stand there and smile, which is immediately followed by Simon wanting to know how you can criticise an eighteen-year-old for smiling when he's having the time of his life? Oh just kiss already, you two. Tony VTs that Ray is terrific. Ray VTs that this is what he wanted, and it's finally here. So, all the more reason to send him home afterwards, if he's fulfilled his dreams, right? Ray mumbles his way flatly through the song. He has a huge plastic smile all across his face, and now I see what Louis was getting at. It's like watching the school play, with that kid who used to just look so pleased with himself for being onstage, no matter how shit he actually was. Seriously, if this was supposed to be Ray's week, he's really fumbling the pass here. His stage presence is even more awkward than Dionne's, and he needs to FUCKING ENUNCIATE. Jesus. At the end of it, Croony McSmugpants smugs more than he's ever smugged before. Louis kicks off the X Factor drinking game by invoking a likeness to a young Michael Bublé and Robbie Williams (because they invented swing music, didn't they?), saying Ray owned the stage (lie), and attempts to show some actual purpose as a judge by asking Ray what he does besides swing, although his head is too far up Ray's ass by this point to make much difference. Sharon says Ray really shocked her tonight, because she didn't know he could dance like that. That was dancing? Ooo-kay. Ray excelled himself, she thinks. Simon says it was a fantastic start, and points out that you can only sing this music well if you love this music, which sounds rather like bullshit to me. I'm no great fan of swing music, but I do a pretty mean rendition of 'I've Got You Under My Skin'. Er, not that this is about me. Simon calls back to Louis's part and says that it's better to be good at one specific thing rather than a jack of all trades, which...basically makes a mockery of the theme weeks, and gives Ray licence to do a bastardised swing version of whatever the theme is each week. Thanks a lot, SIMON. Croony McSmugpants smugs to Kate that he hasn't got the praise he wanted in the previous weeks, but now this is what he wanted. Great. Because we're all here to enable your frickin' fantasies, you little prick.

Sharon introduces Dionne, and let me quote: "Simon will be very happy because now we can relieve all that anger that's been building up all week inside of him, and he can give a real abuse attack on Dionne." Yes, because constructive criticism and abuse are entirely the same thing, you hateful useless lump of cartilage. Simon's all "WTF?" and Sharon's all "you heard!", and...I hate Sharon, you guys. I really, really hate her. I think I actually hate her more than I hate Louis. She's completely useless and unprofessional. (Her saying that was a far more vicious swipe at Dionne's Achilles tendon with a butcher-knife than anything Simon could manage.-Joel) Dionne will be singing 'For Once In My Life'. Dionne VTs that she was very happy with her performance last week. Sharon VTs that Simon sees Dionne as big competition. Given that she gave one of the best performances in the first week, and was still in the bottom two after the public vote, Sharon, I really doubt that. And really, we're all adults here. Can't we rise above the "Ur jus jelus!!!11!!!!one!!" school of retaliation? Simon then makes this exact point himself in the VT, although his comment of "you're only threatened by people the public like" seems a little harsh. Sharon sticks her hand up the back of Louis's shirt and speaks through him without moving her lips: "I think Simon's threatened by Dionne, blah blah blah." You're not fooling anyone, Sharon. Dionne wants to prove she's more than a backing singer, and good for her. Tony VTs that he disagrees with the critics saying she should be a backup singer, and FOR FUCK'S SAKE. (I loved that he said to her, 'I hope you win.' If I were Dionne, I'd be like 'screw you, bitches, Tony Bennett hopes I win.'-Joel) That is not what Simon was saying, at all. He said she was like a backing singer in her performance last week, not that that's all she was good for. This show is so fucking stupid. Dionne says that Simon's criticism is good motivation, and again good for her for being THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, apparently, who understood why he was saying that to her. GOD. Dionne's too smart for this show, I think. She also looks really pretty tonight, with a flower in her hair. Unfortunately, somebody on the production staff hates Dionne, because this arrangement of the song is fucking horrendous. Dionne does her best to make a silk purse of a sow's testicles, but I think it's a losing battle. Again, she deserves better than this, and it sucks, but I've already made my peace with the fact that she's this year's Maria, and too good to make it very far in this celebration of mediocrity. It's a good vocal on an otherwise horrible song, and Dionne deserves the credit for that. Louis tells her she looks more comfortable this week, and tells Dionne's she's a versatile singer of both soul and jazz. Simon comments that all the personal stuff is rubbish, and that he thinks Dionne is a good singer, but "has all the grace of a boxer", prompting the usual "WHAT?"s and boos, and he kind of trundles down an avenue that I don't really follow, but the crux of the matter is that he doesn't think Dionne has a chance of winning. Dionne looks kind of affronted by this, but at least her response is fairly gracious: she tells Simon that she's disappointed because she worked really hard on this performance, and she hopes she can change his mind. So that makes her too smart, too good AND too classy for this show? Yep, Dionne's doomed. I'm not going to recap Sharon's comments, because she hasn't earned it, so screw you, lady. Sharon does, however, blather on so much that there's no time for Kate to talk to Dionne. Stellar management there, Mrs O. I hope Dionne punches you in the face when she gets eliminated, because God knows I would.(I don't think Sharon would notice. Seriously, she's been overdosing on the Botox. The only parts of her face that move anymore are her eyelids and jaw. She's like a ventriliquist's dummy. Gottle of geer, Sharon?-Joel)

Since Louis has only two acts left, we're back with Simon and Nikitta. She talks about her comments from last week and says that they don't hurt her. Louis VTs that Simon's management is hurting Nikitta, blah blah. Simon VTs that Louis has criticised Simon's song choices for Nikitta for two weeks straight, and for two weeks straight Louis has lost an act. Because, lest we forget, this contest is all about the contestants, not the judges. Oy veh. Nikitta VTs that she's having trouble singing and dancing at the same time, which I'm sure is so horrible, and not at all something she should be expected to do as a pop singer. She does, however, score points with me for not mentioning her Dead Mother once. Nikitta sings 'Sway', and her movement actually isn't that bad. She's not noticeably more gracious than Dionne, but she looks more comfortable in it which helps her. Vocally, it's okay, but kind of nasal for my tastes. I do really like this song, though, and she's doing a fairly good number on it. Totally spontaneously, a guy comes out of the audience to dance with her. Hmm, this is the second week Simon's brought out a gimmick for Nikitta. I shall ponder the relevance of that. She sounds a little strained on some of the high notes. Louis says he thinks that she's a good singer, but that judging her on tonight he thought she struggled. Nikitta, sounding thoroughly pissed off (heh), asks Louis what sort of song he thinks she should be doing. I'm no great fan of Nikitta, but the fact that she just publicly called Louis on his bullshit is awesome. Simon's all, "yeah, LOUIS" and Louis can only respond "not that one! I wouldn't have picked that one!" Louis also says "Simon, don't shout me down, it's my turn." Can we all make a note of this for when Simon comments on Louis's acts? Good. Louis tells Nikitta she's a great singer, but he didn't like her performance and she could be going home. Nikitta's all "whatever, assface". Heh. Sharon says that Nikitta was way out of her comfort zone, and implies that Nikitta can only sing songs written since she was born, and...what? I don't get it. Sharon thinks the dancing affected Nikitta's vocals, and Nikitta says that's what she was worried about. We know, we saw the VT. Sharon's all "I bet you've never heard that song before, have you?", utterly ignoring the fact that there was a dance remix of it floating around about three years ago, or the fact that whoever wins this show will have to record an album containing songs they've never heard before, so whatever, Sharon. (Getting ahead of myself, I wrote "'You've probably never heard that song before, have you?' Bullfish! It's an extremely famous song, in its original state, in the dance version and the Pussycat Dolls cover. You patronising bitch." so yeah.-Joel) Simon tells Nikitta that the song doesn't matter, that she got it together by the second half, that it wasn't a winning performance, but the main problem was that her dancer was too short. Nikitta's entirely nonplussed by this, and somehow I doubt she chose the dancer herself, so I'm not sure how that feedback's meant to be of use to her. Eventually Nikitta gets what Simon's on about and laughs, but once again there's no time for Kate to talk to her.

Ben is up next, and Sharon says that those of us who considered him to be just a rock singer will be surprised by this performance. The VT flashes back to last week where Simon and Louis predicted Ben will be in the final. Simon admits on VT that he is fearful of Ben (and yet he gives him positive feedback, SHARON) and that he considers Ben to be the main obstacle to one of his artists winning the show this year. Ben feels under pressure now because everyone expects such big things of him. Ben is kind of pretty, I'm just starting to notice. Ben's very excited to meet Tony Bennett, and says that the experience has made him realise that this is what he wants. The piano's out for him again. He will be singing 'Smile', off the oven chips advert. The Big Band don't appear to be doing much so far, which seems a little suspect. He's toning down the rawk affectations for this, and his voice is kind of nice, but again, I'm getting a sense of him trying to sidestep this week's theme. Oh, wait, the band kicks in for an instrumental in the middle eight, briefly. Ben then hits the rocker vocal for a few lines just to remind us why he's there, and this performance was not unpleasant, but it was really, really dull, and really didn't fit the Big Band theme at all. Simon says that in any situation that was outstanding: believable, and the best performance of the night "by a mile". Louis: "The show is called The X Factor, it's about finding somebody who's going to record and sell millions and millions of records." Um, thanks for that? Also, I love that by omission there, Louis has basically said that this is not a talent contest, just a contest to see who's most marketable. Heh. Again, Louis says he sees Ben in the final. Sharon tells Ben he could've been softer with some of his notes (and I agree, so fair play to Sharon on that one) but that it was still a nice contrast to his usual rocker schtick (her words, not mine). There's a bit of chat with Kate wherein Ben admits he wasn't expecting such lovely feedback, and had a comeback all ready, but it wasn't needed.

Louis introduces the MacDonald Brothers, whose names are apparently Craig and Brian. I have no idea which is which. He does his usual patter of telling us where they're from, points out that Sharon and Simon hate them, but the public love them. One of them VTs that it's hard for them to take Simon's criticism. Louis points out that they've not been in the bottom two yet, so they obviously have a fanbase. The "unlike the rest of my acts" is unspoken. They're nervous about tackling swing. Tony Bennett liked their harmonies, and the look in their eyes when they looked at each other. See, he spots the creepy incest vibes too! I swear, between this show and Supernatural, my perception of what a healthy fraternal relationship entails is so off these days. The dark-haired one really is very pretty. They're singing 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You'. In the grand tradition of their performances on this show, it's quite sweetly sung but inutterably dull. The cute dark-haired one clearly has no idea what to do with his non-microphone-holding hand, either. There are some quite nice harmonies in there, but still: dull dull dull. Simon thought the song was fantastic, the band was amazing, and the guys were okay. He does call it all a bit karaoke at Pontin's, and I find it interesting how he spots that this year when he failed to notice it when they entered as Journey South last year and were in his category. He says it lacked star quality, but he thinks the song will carry them through. Sharon says that she feels guilty having a go at them because they're so nice. This from the alleged Queen of Darkness? She does think it was their best performance so far, though. Simon asks them if they think they can win, and they do the whole "given time, given a lot more practice, yadda yadda" stuff that everyone does when they don't want to appear too cocky. Louis, of course, does the whole "I don't care what Simon thinks, the public likes them, and Tony Bennett likes them, and besides, Simon gave us Robson and Jerome, LOLZ!!!!!" thing, and the look on Simon's face suggests that this comment was met with all the derision it merited. The fair-haired one says that they're hoping to make Simon like them, Louis shouts that there's no point, and they hightail it out of there.

Next up is Leona. Leona doesn't have much of interest to say in her VT because no one's been especially mean to her yet. She does say that she wants to be the first female to win the show, which is interesting. Simon thinks he's chosen a good song for her, and Tony Bennett tells her to keep it simple, which I suspect means "can the melisma there, horsey". Leona's hair is curly again, and I really prefer it straight, not that that's especially important. Leona is singing 'Summertime' from Porgy and Bess. It's a very Aguilera-esque take on it, but I would posit that Leona probably has one of the strongest voices (if not the strongest) in the competition, so while I'm not a massive fan of how she's singing this, at least she has the chops for it. She goes for a massive held note near the end, and pretty much pulls it off. Okay, I'm offering her performance of the night for that one, for showmanship if not necessarily for technical excellence. (It was fucking amazing. She managed to not warble and really made me believe it. Performance of the night for sure. Probably performance of the series so far. Though that's not saying much.-Joel) (Indeed. I’ve totally come around on Leona since writing the first draft of this, and in hindsight I think she was awesome.-Steve) Louis is all "beautiful girl, beautiful song, brilliant performance". He says that this music is all about class, and that Leona has a lot of class. Sharon says that she likes how Leona doesn't know how good she is, and it's so endearing to find someone that has such a huge voice as her, and Sharon's cut off her as Simon grabs her and gives her a full-on snog on the lips. Hee! Sharon's momentarily nonplussed, and then pulls Simon back in for another. Heh. Louis looks a little upset at being left out. Sharon thrusts her tits in Simon's face, and completely forgets what she was going to say. Simon thinks Leona is the best contestant he's ever had across any of "these" shows (presumably just meaning The X Factor, since he doesn't mentor anyone on Idol), and that it was an amazing performance. Leona's left speechless by the judges comments, tears up, and wants to thank her mum and dad. WHO ARE DEAD. Whoops, sorry, wrong contestant. I think Leona might just manage to fly under the "who does she think she is?" radar by virtue of her comparative lack of confidence. If it's genuine, which I think it is, kind of. I hope that she's the act of Simon's that makes it to the final, anyway. Rather her than Nikitta, or Ashley, or (shudder) Ray. Kate wishes Simon luck meeting Ozzy in the corridor (hee), and we cut to the ads.

Sharon introduces Kerry, who's going to show us what she's got inside. Kerry VTs that her comments last week were fair. Simon mentions that Kerry's voice is good, but not distinct and kind of boring. Kerry feels this song is her more than any of the others she's had to sing so far. I'm not sure that swing week is going to do much to change Kerry's perceived "lounge singer" factor. Simon says she came into the show as one of the favourites, but after her first two performances, not any more. Harsh but fair, I think. He says she's got to raise her game. Kerry's singing 'They Can't Take That Away From Me'. I think she's a little flat when she sings the line "the way you sing off-key", which is kind of funny. It's...okay, I guess. I don't see any real game-raising going on here. Her voice just isn't strong enough. (She sounds like she's got problems with her adenoids. Really stuffy phrasing.-Joel) There are a couple of opportunities to make the song really big, and she shies away from them. I don't know if that's a lack of confidence or an actual lack of ability. Simon says that the genre definitely suits her, but calls it "Hilton hotel, Luton, with a bowl of peanuts". He calls it "competent, but very predictable - I've heard this type of performance a lot, and I'm always in a bar with a gherkin or a pickled onion or a peanut - on my own, yes - I can't say more than that." Hee. Louis says that it was Kerry's best performance so far, but he doesn't know if he'll remember it tomorrow. There are better girls in the competition, he thinks. At least he didn't call the performance "forgetful", so we should be grateful for small mercies. Sharon says that Kerry belongs in a Hilton hotel in Las Vegas, which as rejoinders go is craptacular. Sorry Sharon, but you can say that Elvis used to play there, it still doesn't make that good feedback. Kate asks Kerry how she feels about the hotel comments, and Kerry unwisely picks up on Sharon's track, saying that people like Barbra Streisand play in some of the best hotels and if that's who she's being compared to, then great. Which...is not really what Simon was getting at, and he interjects here to tell her (politely) that that's fantasy on her part. Kerry then babbles on about not picking the song herself and knowing she can do better, and really she's running out of excuses now. If she can do better, she should be doing better and not being all stagnant. She says that she wants to stay in the competition, but I can't help feeling there's something a little entitled about Kerry these days, and it doesn't sit well with me. I don't really think she's trying hard enough.

Simon introduces the insufferable Ashley. Sorry, the "incredible" Ashley. Well, in the sense of being hard to believe, I can get behind that. Louis and Sharon give Ashley props in his VT, but Louis warns him to avoid being too cocky. Simon tries to say that Ashley isn't cocky or disrespectful, and nobody believes him. Ashley asks Tony Bennett for help with his nerves, and Tony tells him that the audience will support him if he's nervous. Ashley likes that Tony is laid-back without being cocky, and he wants to be like that. Ashley sings something which may be called 'Moondance', and I can't take his helium-voice seriously at all. He's kind of monotonous and flat to me. (I really like his voice and I don't understand why. It's metallic and weird. I think it's just a relief to hear someone that sounds halfway distinctive in the dross.-Joel) Halfway through the song he totally fluffs his words and doesn't cover it well at all. We should probably all consider ourselves lucky he didn't swear. Seriously, fluffing a couple of words is understandable, but Ashley screwed up pretty much half a verse. That ain't good. Louis, of course, isn't going to judge him on that, because why on earth would a judge factor something like a complete screw-up into their comments? That would just be crazy! Louis tells Ashley that Robert and Ben are better singers (Robert? Really?) but that Ashley is a great performer. I’m dismayed that this would be Louis’s chance to use the word “forgetful” correctly for the first time in three weeks, but he chooses to pass it up. Bah. Sharon likes Ashley, and tells us as much, and is also going to ignore Ashley fluffing his words because "the biggest artists in the world do it". Not that awkwardly, they don't. Simon asks him what went wrong, and Ashley digs out the capital-a Attitude, saying that it's not his kind of music, (Scott and I decided country must be his music, because it's about the only genre he hasn't dismissed.-Joel) the words are too choppy and it's very hard to sing. Cry me a freaking river already. Simon follows the trend of ignoring the fluff and says that the last 30 seconds made up for it. Kate says that the judges have been very kind to Ashley, and asks what he would like to say back. Ashley responds "they ain't got a choice - no, I'm joking!", except he totally isn't, and everyone laughs when they should be punching him in the face. Seriously, this show really lacks some face-punching. There's a SHOCK TWIST I'd be all in favour of. Ashley goes on about how the audience have to appreciate how hard it is for him to go out there and sing these songs. Oh, diddums. Also: cram it. Ashley also thanks "the Lord, for blessing me and putting me in this position". I'm sure the Lord cares so much. Kate asks Ashley if having the band there threw him, because we must all make excuses for Ashley! He's good! It's not his fault he screwed up! He mustn't learn any lessons from this! Ashley says no, and credits the band with being "good" in a really dismissive tone that I don't care for at all. Sharon tells him to quit while he's ahead. Heh.

Sharon promises a whole new side to Robert. A good one? Robert says he was gutted to be in the bottom two last week. Simon thinks that Sharon needs to get Robert to sit still and sing. Sharon says she doesn't want to squash Robert, but he needs to learn when to use that energy and when to slow it down. Tony Bennett thinks Robert is terrific. Oh, what do you know? Simon thinks Robert has a great voice, but none of us have had a chance to listen to it yet. Well, that's certainly true. Robert is singing 'Mr Bojangles'. It's a more sedate performance this week, but it doesn't mask the fact that all of this praise that's been heaped on Robert seems utterly unwarranted, since he's every bit the standard of average hotel performer that Kerry is. Maybe they should retitle this show The H Factor next year? They could have H from Steps as a guest judge, that would be good. Robert's dancing makes Dionne look like Darcy Bussell, by the way. The song ends, and I'm almost in a coma. That's one of Simon's favourite songs of all time, and thinks it should have been a disaster, but it wasn't. Simon says that whatever happens to Robert, he can say that at one point in the show he sang his heart out. Louis calls it the best performance of the night, which: not, (If I were Leona I'd have punched him in the gut right there.-Joel) and says he doesn't know why Robert was in the bottom two last week. Because he was shit and deserved to be there? It's a maverick theory I hold. Sharon calls it "smooth" and "a class performance". Robert lets out all the energy that he was holding in during the song when Kate asks him to appeal to the audience, and by "energy" I mean "assholishness". Kate asks Robert why the audience should vote for him, despite the fact that he just did that, and Robert says he needs our votes to support his unborn child. (Go the fuck home, look after your heavily-pregnant wife, and hold down a fucking job, rather than gambling on a contest you'll never win, you bag of shit.-Joel) Oh, please.

Closing the show are Eton Road. They got good feedback last week despite not really being very good. Louis thinks their transformation so far has been unbelievable. Simon really likes them and thinks they have a tough song, but hopes they pull it off. One of them says that swing is not an average genre for a boyband to do, which means he didn't buy that Westlife album either. Good move. Tony thinks they have fantastic potential. They're going to put an "Eton Road twist" on 'Mack The Knife', and I smell a disaster in the offing. They get off to a good start, but I think they fluff the words too at one point. When they start to put in the harmonies and stuff, it gets really messy. Then Anthony throws in another of his ill-advised high notes that misses the mark completely, and the rest of them all try to harmonise around him, but don't really get it right. It really is kind of a car crash, and I'm kind of over Eton Road. Sharon loves them. She thinks they make everything fun, and they can fit into any genre. She thought they were really great tonight. Simon likes them a lot, but calls it "a complete and utter mess". He says it was "squeaking and this and that - it was just ridiculous". Sharon makes a comment about them actually remembering the words, and Louis jeers. Simon tries to make another point, but Louis starts yelling "shut up, shut up" and won't let him finish, and remember Louis's comment from earlier about Simon needing to be quiet when it's Louis's turn to speak? Good to see that sentiment works both ways. Sharon and Louis get all self-congratulatory over their slam on Simon, and they are just such colossal morons it's ridiculous. I hate this show. Simon doesn't think they worked out the vocals properly, but he hopes the public gives them a second chance because something went wrong this week. Louis tells them not to listen to him. Simon asks Louis if he honestly thinks it was a good performance, and Louis says it was. Anthony says that they respect Simon's judgement on the matter, but that Simon always says they're odd (which he didn't this week) and that they tried to put their own spin on it. And then Anthony completely loses what little goodwill I had left for him by huffing "and that wasn't a squeaky note, that was a top D." Whatever it was, child, it was squeaky and it was off, so cram it. A lot.

Video recap. Ray was smug. Dionne was better than her arrangement. Nikitta had a short dancer. Ben had a piano instead of a band. The MacDonald Brothers had the love of the public, apparently. Leona was awesome. Kerry distracted Simon from his bar snacks. Ashley forgot his words (but the VT hides that bit). Robert was restrained, and dull. Eton Road were a hot fried mess. Kate reminds us about tonight's SHOCK TWIST of a double elimination and it's Thornton out.

Results show

Earlier tonight, it was revealed that in a SHOCK TWIST there would be a double elimination tonight. The contestants learned this while wearing outfits from last week and the week before, apparently. We're back with Kate, who tells us the vote is incredibly tight, as she always does. Video recap from earlier. Kate tells us that we can see the finalists live on tour next year, and I'd love to go, but I'm meant to be throwing myself under a train that night. We're "treated" to a performance of 'The Best Is Yet To Come' from Tony Bennett, and it's dreadful. I thought the star performers were meant to show up the contestants? This is just bad. He then segues into 'For Once In My Life', getting the good arrangement that Dionne ought to have had earlier. Sabotage!

Back from the ads, and two acts are about to leave the show in a SHOCK TWIST. Kate welcomes the finalists back onto the stage. Kate explains what's going to happen: the act who polled the lowest with the public will leave immediately, then the two acts with the second- and third-lowest number of votes will compete in the showdown as usual. And that is so dumb. If you're going to do away with this bullshit judges' decision showdown nonsense, do it for everyone, not just one person randomly in the middle of the show. That's just so stupid. They should either have just eliminated the two acts with the lowest number of votes regardless, or put the bottom three into the showdown, and then got the judges to decide which one gets a reprieve. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I hate this show. In no particular order, the first act coming back next week is: Robert. Also safe are: Leona, Eton Road, Ben, Ray, the MacDonald Brothers and Nikitta. One of Ashley, Dionne and Kerry has polled the lowest number of votes and will definitely be leaving. That act is: Dionne. Dionne looks like she was expecting this. We get her highlights package, and it sucks that she doesn't get much focus on her exit because everyone's too busy worrying about Kerry and Ashley. Dionne is very disappointed, but she did her best, and thanks Mark Hudson for believing in her when others doubted her. Kate wants Sharon to state that Dionne leaves with her head high and her confidence boosted. Yes, nothing boosts one's confidence like finishing in tenth place. (Ha! Though tell that to the 99,990 other bitches.-Joel) Sharon says that Dionne ain't no backing singer, and Dionne exits and we're immediately expected to stop caring about her. Poor Dionne. She didn't deserve that. (Poor Dionne. I still love you and the flower in your hair was awesome. Go and headbutt Sharon. We'll all feel a lot better.-Joel)

But move on we must, and Kerry's singing for the judges' vote. It's perhaps marginally bigger than her earlier performance, but I still see no evidence of all this extra stuff that she has to give. And if she can't bring it out when her place in the contest is at stake, when exactly will she be bringing it? I remain unmoved. Ashley returns, and might even remember his words this time. We watch the performance in silence, until Dave rather quietly says "Is it just me, or is this really shit?" No Dave, it's not just you. The voting public agrees, thankfully. He does appear to at least remember his words this time. Kerry comes back onto the stage, and it's time for the judges' votes. The audience appears to be supporting Ashley. Sharon wants to send Ashley home. Simon says he thinks Ashley learnt his lesson tonight, and that the public won't support a second-rate performance. Hmm, they seem to have supported a lot of them, though. Simon says it's an easy decision, and votes to send home Kerry. Kate makes a big show of how Louis is the only judge without an act of his own in the showdown, and that's probably because he's only got two left so the odds were in his favour. Louis says it's not an easy decision, and that Ashley was very unprofessional tonight and really messed up, and should have given it a lot more tonight. He thinks Kerry is a great singer who's very professional and always delivers, but he thinks she's peaked. A nice contrast with the constant "I've got a lot more to give!", I feel. He bases his decision on it being a talent contest, and votes to send home Kerry. Kate asks Kerry if she's shocked, and Kerry is, because she was supposed to win, although she says that she kind of knew it was coming when she heard the judges' comments. Kerry looked a lot prettier in her audition than she did tonight (Her first audition was also her best vocal. Oh, Kerry.-Joel) - somebody should fire her make-up artist. During her highlights package, Kerry looks kind of pissed off. Sharon comes on and hugs her. Kerry says that it's meant the world to her, and says that hopefully she's proved to people out there that if you go for your dreams, you may achieve somewhere close to it, if not your dreams. I think I know what she was going for there, but that was rather clumsily worded. "You too can live your dreams of coming ninth in a televised singing contest!" was not, I feel, quite what she was going for. Kate tells Kerry she's done her mother proud, and Sharon says that it's given her the opportunity to shine, and that she will go on to bigger and better things.

Next week is Abba week, and I can't wait for Ray to deliver his swing version of 'The Winner Takes It All'. Shoot me now. Please?