The Bitch Factor

The Only Way Is BixMix

2011-12-13T22:26:00.009Z

Final - Results: TX 11th December 2011

Last night: three acts sang twice each and one of them got eliminated. Somehow this took TWO HOURS. Peter Dickson tells us that the final took place in front of an audience of 10,000 people. That's the audience within Wembley Arena itself, not the TV viewing audience, though I can understand why you might get the two confused. He sang! Then they sang! Then she sang! Then he sang with his mentor! Then they sang with their mentor! Then she sang with her mentor! You get the general idea. A dodgy bit of editing pretends that Derwood said last night he was about to reveal who had the fewest votes when in fact he made no such announcement and only gave the names of the two acts who were through. (ITV FAKERY! Why isn't this getting extensive coverage in the tabloids, eh? Do we only care when it's Frozen Planet?)

Now just two acts remain: BixMix mentored by Tulisa, and Marcus, mentored by Gary. Basically, however you vote, one of these dickheads gets to claim they're the best mentor of the year. It's Kang vs Kodos all over again. I really wish they'd include a "none of the above" option in the final vote. Plus, we can look forward to performances from the two of the most exciting acts in popular music: Westlife and Coldplay! Jesus Christ, chuck Adele in there as well and call it Music To Crush The Human Spirit, why don't you. Anyway, tonight the victor will be crowned, so the battle is on. It's time! To face! The fact that five million fewer people are watching than they were this time last year!

Titles! Poor titles. They got all spruced up for nothing.

Aerial shot of Wembley Stadium. Not Wembley Arena. I'd recommend a little more attention to detail, otherwise we might have Derwood declaring Bombay Mix the winners in two hours time (oops, spoiler). Derwood enters, and he's wearing a tuxedo especially for the occasion. Sadly, it doesn't fit any better than any of his other suits. I think the next X Factor charity single should be raising money to help Derwood afford a more understanding tailor. [You think they would have sourced a thigh-sensitive tailor back in the Olly Murs days, but no - Helen]

Derwood swings for an imaginary baseball (or rounders ball, since we're in the UK) and reminds us that tonight is the result of the final and the end of a very long road: "it's all come down to a straight contest between Marcus and Little Mix". Well, Little Mix are winning then. LOLGAY. Sorry. The judges are reintroduced, to the strains of 'Live And Let Die'. WEMBLEY makes them all look really tiny, doesn't it? Tulisa is wearing an utterly ridiculous dress that restricts her movement so much, both Louis and Kelly have to help her off the podium. It's not even a nice dress: she's basically come as the Big Purple One out of a box of Quality Street. Kelly's isn't much better - it's silver, which looks nice on her, but it's one of those hideous dresses where the front is a miniskirt and the back is full-length. Why? It just looks like you accidentally ripped your outfit on the way to the stage. Borelow, of course, is still in just-returned-from-the-hunt chic, and Louis is wearing a natty dinner jacket. Tulisa shills her perfume, as is her wont. REPRESENTING CASH-IN FRAGRANCES EVERYWHERE!

Derwood reminds us that the lines are open and all the votes cast for Marcus or BixMix last night still count. Brilliant, I shan't bother voting the---ow! Tulisa! Get off me! I don't care, I'm not voting for BixMix, and you can gnaw my ankle all evening if you want to, I'm not changing my mind. Derwood introduces "The X Factor finest!" Is that a bit like Tesco Finest^TM? Because that statement is followed by the appearance of Marcus and BixMix, who appear to have been plumped straight from the Basics range.

They're "singing" 'We Found Love', incidentally, just to remind us that BixMix found LOVE IN EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY GET ON REALLY WELL, ALTHOUGH IT IS JUST FRIENDLY LOVE, THERE'S NOTHING LESBIAN IN IT SO DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA. Marcus is barely audible beneath BixMix, just in case you were wondering how this evening was going to pan out: there's your answer. It segues into 'Party Rock Anthem' [It was like Stars on 45 gone very, very wrong - Helen], and a group that I think is the Sugablokes but could just as easily be NuBile joins in. For all that people have been complimenting Tulisa's mentoring this year, her boybands were an absolute shitshow, weren't they? Like proper, The Unconventionals levels of inept. It all gets a bit mimey from this point onwards, by the way. 2 Shoes are here! Did you see how 2 Shoes got fewer votes than Jonjo No1Curr in the "vote to return"? Madness. Then the track shifts into Jennifer Lopez's 'On The Floor' and Misha B takes lead vocals, while Janet stands behind her and tries not to show her pain at being exposed to this POOR IMITATION OF REAL MUSIC. Janet takes the next line, and is followed by Sophie "Hilarious in Islington" Haboobies. Then we have GOLDIE! Oh, my beautiful Goldie, how I've missed you. I love that she's invited here for all of this and Frankie Cockface Arsetat isn't. Also, Goldie's better in these ten seconds than Sami Cruiseship ever was, so anyone complaining about Louis' initial selection for his final four can shut their damn cakeholes, quite frankly.

In a just world it would end there as we all bask in the glory of Goldie, but no: it turns into 'Moos Like Jagger' sung by Johnny and...oh God, Sami Cruiseship. I knew I shouldn't have invoked her name. I bet she's absolutely gutted that BixMix turned out to REPRESENT WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE when that was totally her idea first. Biscuit is also there. As is Kitty, who takes us into 'The Edge Of Glory', which BixMix and Marcus finish off, because they are very much on the EDGE OF GLORY, you see. Incidentally, Marcus sounds better in his handful of lines on that song than he does at any other point in the final. Maybe Marcus should've been doing more Gaga and less Jackie Wilson.

Derwood poses with Goldie, because he knows that's the happening place to be. Goldie waves to the audience, and Derwood scolds her: "Don't milk it, Goldie." [Oh the irony - Helen] Yes, heaven forfend anyone try to pad their part this evening. Lord knows it really does take TWO FUCKING HOURS to say "BixMix win", doesn't it?

Time for a recap of last night: Woo! Marcus! Woo! Wembley! Woo! Backstage, Derwood kisses Marcus on the cheek, and it makes Marcus all giggly, which is quite funny. Unfortunately, those oversized glasses are doing him no favours whatsoever. Borelow is proud of Marcus, in case you were wondering. BixMix REPRESENTED PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOT THE LOVE (AND A LOUD BACKING TRACK) EVERYWHERE, and backstage, two of them get very excited about hearing the names being chanted. Yes, I'm sure hearing "the ones who aren't Perrie and Jesy! The ones who aren't Perrie and Jesy!" must be very fulfilling. Tulisa thinks they "smashed it". She really has no other synonyms for "performed above expectations", does she? Then Marcus sang weirdly about his mum, and Marcus says that he'll remember that forever. "I will too!" Gary lies. Then BixMix did backing vocals for Tulisa (and here we all were thinking Kelly Rowland was going to be the glory hog) on 'Empire State Of Mind', and Perrie exclaims that this was the best experience of her life, and she wants to do it again. Well, you can't, so tough tits. Derwood pretends that he enjoyed any of that, and then we're into the sweet release of adverts.

When we return, Derwood tells us it's "best in show" time, and referring obliquely to this year's finalists as dogs really isn't helping matters. Borelow introduces Marcus, singing his "song of the series". Woo! They're just taking the piss with that at this point, aren't they? Marcus has selected 'Higher And Higher' for his reprisal (and Sofabet's analysis of why this was a terrible decision makes for interesting reading), because he wanted to have a gospel choir and he thinks it worked really well. He's realised that this is what he wants to do every day, yada yada yada. "It would mean so much to me if I won The X Factor," he muses. "It would mean that I could secure a life for myself." Yeah, sure, tell that to Leon Jackson. Or Joe McElderry. Or The Dread Brookstein. I mean, fuck's sake, Marcus. Do your homework, pet. Marcus vows to give it everything.

Marcus is on stage, and...Woo! Yeah, there it is. He has the choir again, and they're doing a very impressive job of backing him up, considering no microphones can be seen anywhere near them. I remain baffled as to why someone who's delivered, both vocally and performance-wise, as consistently as Marcus has, can have gone so utterly to pieces in the final. Also, this song really highlights his shortcomings because it makes him look and sound so very dated, whereas BixMix are bound to reprise either 'Fucked By An Alien' or 'Don't Let Go (Love)', both of which have a far more modern feel to them. (I know that the latter came out in 1997, but it still sounds conceivably like a song a contemporary girl group would record. 'Higher And Higher' is the sort of thing that a current act would only cover ironically, or possibly for a film soundtrack if someone drove a ton of cash up to their house.) Anyway, Marcus manages some decent notes to close the number, so this is perhaps his best work of the weekend, not that that's saying much.

Louis thinks Marcus is a born little popstar. Tulisa, in a voice so utterly emotionless that she might as well be ordering the death of every newborn child in a ten mile radius, tells Marcus that that was definitely his best performance of the series and he looks like a star up there tonight. Mind you, it's odd how Tulisa can enunciate when she talks to/about Marcus, an ability she loses whenever she's discussing BixMix. Kelly, who's wasted no time in going the full Louis Walsh now that she has no acts left, tells Marcus that he lifted THIS CROWD higher and higher, and she hopes that he enjoyed every single minute of the time that he was here. Because he's losing to BixMix at around 9.20 this evening. Borelow congratulates him on another amazing performance, and says he can't remember a finalist or winner in the history of the show that takes hold of a stage like Marcus does. EXCUSE YOU, Borelow. You don't need a gospel choir to command a stage. You come back to me when Marcus could hold his own with Beyoncé like Alexandra did. Marcus tells Derwood he feels lucky to be here, and that it's all amazing. It's like Leona never left, isn't it? Time to cut to Caroline Flack and Olly Fucking Murs. Caroline is with Marcus's proud mother. Marcus's mother is proud of him. Can she believe he's come this far? She can't believe he's come this far. How would she encourage people to vote for him tonight? She'd like people to vote for Marcus. I feel like I'm living in an echo chamber. Marcus thanks his mum for believing in him. Marcus departs, and Derwood promises BixMix after the break. But first: ads!

When we return, Derwood promises us that the winner will be announced tonight, definitely, honestly, please don't switch over to BBC1 and watch Antiques Roadshow or anything, we're sorry. He plays the party line of "OMG A GIRL GROUP HAS MADE THE FINAL" and throws to Tulisa, who is glaring into the camera with frankly terrifying intensity, doing that weird semi-South Shields accent that she's adopted, introducing her "little muffins". I've never been entirely sure where that nickname comes from. Is it because muffins are also frequently put into casings which can't fully contain them and end up bursting out? (Before you accuse me of being the sort of heartless internet bastard who makes St. Jesy cry, try to convince me that the show hasn't been squeezing her into those hideous leggings all series deliberately so that we might feel guilty about judging on appearances and vote for BixMix out of shame. Go on, I dare you.) They are, of course, reprising 'Don't Let Go (Love)'. I have to admit I was hoping for the Katy Perry track because that was genuinely the performance I considered to be their breakthrough; this one was more just the point where they turned into One Direction and surrendered all the heavy lifting to the backing track. But I suppose you can't deny they still had a Moment with it, so here it is again. One of the ones that nobody cares about says that this was truly the moment when they first came together as a group, which means that we should now disregard all those other moments where they first came together as a group, like boot camp or judges' houses or previous live shows. St. Jesy talks about how it was fun but also powerful and REPRESENTING WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE. They think that the adrenaline at Wembley will make ~~the backing track even louder~~ them even better.

They are literally thrown onto the stage from a trapdoor, in a moment that has lived on as a screencap on Tumblr ever since. The backing screen has chains all across it and suggests one of those moments in the Phoenix Wright games where you activate a Psyche-Lock. Hmm. I wonder who's hiding something here. (Apologies to anyone who's not nerdy enough to get that joke.) To be fair to BixMix, they are a lot less reliant on a backing track in this version of the song, though by the same token it sounds a lot rougher around the edges. The fireworks go off a few seconds after the performance, which feels a little off, timing-wise.

Louis tells them that they've blossomed into four popstars, and he predicts that this time next year they will be the biggest girlband in the UK by a mile. Big whoop: they'll only have to overtake The Saturdays. (I bet they're really regretting recording that "we can't wait to have a new girl group to compete against!" visit now, aren't they? Which, incidentally, was the same week that BixMix performed this song for the first time.) Also, I would like to make a prediction of my own: this time next year, they will have released a grand total of two singles, thereby making claims of "the biggest girl group in the UK" somewhat premature. Kelly is crying because she is so happy for y'all, and y'all have such a great friendship, and y'all have performed y'alls buts off. Y'all. She tells us "You've got to vote for [BixMix] as well." As well? As well as Marcus? Thereby cancelling out both of the votes that we've just paid money to cast? You, Kelly Rowland, are a jabbering idiot. Borelow is happy that they came back with that song, because he thinks this is the direction their future lies in. Tulisa, sounding increasingly deranged by the second, wants to ask the viewers why they've been voting for BixMix. Oh Tulisa, I've been asking that question all series, but I've never had a satisfactory answer. Oh, it turns out it was a rhetorical question: people voted for them because they wanted BixMix to win. Therefore, Tulisa spits, those votes mean NOTHING unless we VOTE FOR BIXMIX NOW. SERIOUSLY. THOSE VOTES ARE SONS OF WHORES. THEY ARE WORTHLESS. THEY ARE STEVE BROOKSTEIN. IF WE DON'T VOTE TONIGHT AS WELL, WE ARE WRECKING THE DREAMS OF ST. JESY, THAT ONE THAT SINGS, AND THE OTHER TWO, AND THAT MAKES US LIFE-RUINERS. Gosh, thanks for that Tulisa. I think you need to wipe a bit of rabid drool from your mouth. There you go. Incidentally, by far the worst thing about Tulisa at this point is the way that the second she's finished berating us all for not spending enough of our cash on allowing her to win this competition, she leans back in her chair with a Cheshire Cat grin on her face. It's nauseating. Derwood asks them if they ever expected to get this far. Of course they didn't, because they are HUMBLE. Derwood points out that they just made Destiny's Child cry, like that wasn't something Mathew Knowles did on an hourly basis. Backstage, Caroline is with the proud mums, who are proud. WHERE ARE THE FACE PIZZAS? I am so bored of all this now, and it's not even bloody halfway over. Meanwhile, Olly beatboxes for some girls who appear to have styled themselves as a BixMix tribute band (RE-EVALUATE YOUR LIFE CHOICES NOW) as they do a frankly embarrassing rap about how amazing BixMix are. Even BixMix themselves are a bit "wut" in response to this. Derwood asks BixMix what they want to say to their mums, and Perrie reminds us that their mums are PROUD. Yes, Perrie, I think we got that memo from Caroline.

After the blessed relief of more adverts, we are back, and it's time for Marcus and BixMix to try to win us over with a Christmas song. Borelow gives a typically charm-free introduction as Marcus takes to the stage to sing 'Last Christmas'. FAIL. The definitive X Factor performance of this song is and always will be this one, and to even try to live up to that is a fool's errand. Marcus gives it a valiant try, but his wail of "Happy Christmas!" into the abyss of the arena just doesn't have the same effect. Still, at least he got the words right, unlike Yellow JLS. Unless, of course, you believe that Yellow JLS's interpretation is now so iconic that it has come to be recognised as the correct lyric in its own right, in much the same way that "nauseous" used to mean "causing nausea" but is now more commonly used to mean "feeling nausea". (Told you we had education and stuff.) ANYway, Marcus has gone back to sounding like he's just smoked twenty cigarettes and run a half-marathon, which is a shame, and this song does him no favours.

Louis's mic isn't on for half of his commentary, but I doubt we missed much. We do hear him telling Marcus that he is a lovely person backstage (can we retire this next year, please? I really do not give a shit which of the contestants hold the door open for you and which contestants let it slam in your face. I'd rather we had a Top 12 who were all arseholes but were fantastic singers with masses of stage presence than another bunch of mediocre milquetoasts) and has a brilliant work ethic (again, who cares? Holly Valance's barely-present work ethic on this year's Strictly was one of her most endearing traits) [and someone with no work ethic won this thing last year, lest we forget - Rad]. Tulisa thinks this has been a long journey for everyone, and that we've all got so caught up in it that we forgot it was (nearly) Christmas. Speak for yourself, lady: I remembered that Christmas was around the corner, it was the approach of The X Factor final I kept forgetting about. Anyway, she thanks Santa Collins for reminding us that Christmas exists. "WHAT A GREAT EARLY CHRISTMAS GIFT, YAY! HO HO HO!" trills Kelly. That's actually the most useful part of her critique, believe it or not. The rest doesn't merit transcribing. Borelow tells Marcus he's going to do something now that he hasn't done all series. I have my fingers crossed for "be remotely interesting or charismatic", personally, but once again I am disappointed: he's going to tell us all to vote for Marcus. I have my doubts that this is the absolute first time he's doing that, but if you think I'm going to go back and check when I still have over an hour of this bollocks left to recap, then you are very much mistaken.

Derwood joins Marcus, and Marcus enthuses that it feels like Christmas in the arena now. Derwood asks Marcus where his head's at. Marcus does not seem to know. Backstage, Caroline is with the Mayor of Liverpool, who thinks Marcus has hit it right on all night. Last night, however... Olly is with Marcus's best pal Amy, who thinks Marcus is amazing every time. Olly asks her how long Marcus has been singing for, and Amy, who has apparently not been briefed to say "EVER SINCE HE COULD BREATHE, OLLY" like this show demands, merely shrugs "quite a while". I think I love Amy. Olly asks her if Marcus annoys her at times. Amy looks like she's on the verge of replying "no, but you do".

Derwood, his soul dying a little bit more, makes a desperate joke about the Mayor of Liverpool wearing "serious bling". Oh Derwood. I think it's time to just take the money and run, love. It's back to Tulisa to introduce the groups again, and she thinks this next performance "will say it all". I wasn't aware there was a song called 'Representing Wimminz Everywhere (At Christmas)'. Also, she calls them "little muffins" again, and I have to add muffins to the long list of things that have been ruined forever by this show, which now of course includes Tulisa herself. (In fact, it's wrecked Tulisa in less than half the time it took to wreck Cheryl. That's quite a feat.)

They are trilling 'Silent Night' with just a piano for comfort. I'm not sure what this is saying, quite frankly, apart from "even though Perrie is clearly the best singer, she still has some fairly irritating vocal tics". In an effort to help us recognise them all as individuals, they are wearing pink sweaters with their names across them. If I were in charge of making those, they would have read "SINGER", "CRIER', "NIALL" and "NIALL". They hug afterwards, because they like each other, which is of course so rare for women working together.

Louis blathers some nonsense about them having "four lead singers" when clearly Perrie's going to be the Nadine of the outfit, though at this point I'm so used to being given inaccurate information about BixMix by the show that I've almost started to just accept it. Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia, and so on. He goes on about how everything works with them. Kelly's batteries are running down, so she slurs about how great they sounded on that "rec-urrrrd" and wishes them a "mer-ry fri-ken Chris-murss" before an unseen stagehand swiftly replaces them for her and suddenly she's all smiles again, squealing "I love your sweaters! You look so kyoooooo-oooooote!" like she's talking to Paris Hilton's dog. Gary thinks it was very Christmassy, and in the spirit of Christmas, makes a petty and pointless joke about Louis. GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE! Tulisa is sounding faintly bored now, and plods her way through "proud", "journey" and "a girl group can win", gradually losing the ability to enunciate as she goes along. It's like someone's been rubbing ice cubes along her jaw. Derwood says that Tulisa is "like Winston Churchill", by which I can only assume he means that they both like cigars, and then tells Kelly how worried it makes his little corporate compliance soul every time she says "freaking". This from the man who called Katie Weasel a cunt. Derwood talks to BixMix about the stripped back performance, and one of the Nialls, the one from the North East, says how nice it was to do something simple and show off wor harmonies. Olly and Caroline are with the BixMix fans, and Olly is joined by Prudence, who is a "food artist". Hold on, she's got a pizza, this could be the moment that justifies this entire programme! It's a BixMix pizza! Except it's not really as exciting as the Lazy Decorator one last year. "Does it taste good?" Olly asks. "Yes, all my food art tastes fantastic," Prudence replies, sounding faintly offended. I heart Prudence. Caroline is with St. Jesy's first music teacher, who is asked how much they've improved, and doesn't have an answer for us, so he just screams at us to vote for BixMix.

Derwood is with the judges, desperately filling time. He asks them what their highlight of the series has been, and Louis says "working with these three judges has been absolutely amazing, I love the three of them." HA! Funniest moment of the series. Also, he likes Johnny and Kitty. Tulisa's highlight has been watching BixMix get through on the results show every week. Yeah! Who cares about performances? Tulisa cares only for results! Kelly can't even hear Derwood, and doesn't care anyway, but her highlight was being a mentor to all the talent. Gary bores on about real music, but his highlight, as it should be, was Goldie putting her leg around his neck on the first day.

To take us through some highlights of the series, here are Westlife with their "farewell X Factor performance", not to be confused with their farewell Daybreak performance, their farewell T4 performance, their farewell ITV1 special, etc etc. I know that we all have to serve notice periods, but this is just silly. Anyway, they sing 'What About Now?' while clips from the series play on a screen behind them. I am not paying attention to any of the clips, because I am too distracted by the fact that Westlife are all standing stage right, leaving the other side of the stage entirely empty. Why? I have no idea. Westlife finish, and wave goodbye, FOREVER. (Hopefully.)

After some more ads, we are back (those of us who didn't head off to the Tesco on the corner for more Doritos/M&Ms/vodka/whatever you need just to get through this) and it's time for the finalists to sing The Winner's Song. Sorry: the winner's song. We begin with Marcus, and before he sings, we're going to look back at his journey. Oh, for pity's sake. Marcus never dreamed he would get this far. Aww, he looked so cute in his audition when it hadn't been decided yet that he must wear suits and hipster glasses at all times. There are clips of him being interesting on the live shows before being turned into a throwback (soundtracked to 'Rule The World', so another nice payday for Borelow) - it's actually quite depressing to watch all the things that were good about Marcus gradually getting eroded on a weekly basis until he was basically an old man in a young man's body. I remember when I really liked Marcus and wanted him to win. Sadface. [imagine how awesome he might have been with a different mentor. Stupid Funsponge - Rad][Agreed. I liked him from the first audition then he was killed by the machine. - Helen]

Time for the winner's single. I'm so excited, Gary's writing this especially for the show, it's the first original winner's single since 'That's My Goal', it's going to be...hang on a minute, this is 'Cannonball' by Damien Rice. What the fuck happened there, then? This song does not suit Marcus's voice at all, and it really shows. I can't imagine it's going to suit BixMix either. Who on earth picked this? Were they expecting Janet to win or something? [Looking at the voting percentages, yes. Or else they just forgot to give it to lazy DECORATOR last year - Rad] Also, the first line of the song is "there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth", which makes me giggle uncontrollably. What? I never said I was mature. Anyway, well done to the show for picking a winner's single that isn't going to do either of their finalists any favours. I can only begin to imagine the trainwreck that would have been Amelia Lily's version of this, largely because it hasn't leaked onto YouTube yet, though I'm sure it'll show up there eventually. Anyway, Marcus squeaks and wails his way through the performance and this really is a very undignified ending for him, considering how on point he's been most of the rest of the time. Poor Marcus. You deserved better than this.

Louis tells him that if he were looking for a perfect popstar and put everything into a computer, he'd get Marcus. Hands up everyone who wants to see a remake of Weird Science starring Louis and Marcus? Just me? Suit yourselves. [I'm in - Helen] He tells Marcus he's done everything he possibly can, and all he needs now is votes. Marcus is genuinely all "lol, thanks Louis" at this. Tulisa tells him he has everything: the voice, the star quality, the personality, and a beautiful smile. She sounds so very, very bored: she knows she's won this and she is just waiting out the clock at this point. Kelly tells Marcus that she wants everybody to vote if they want to see him win. Glad to see she understands the mechanics of the show. Gary would never have picked that song for Marcus, and neither would anyone else with an iota of sense, but he thinks Marcus sings it beautifully. He hopes that's not the last time we hear that song: "that should be the winner's song tonight." It is - it just might not be Marcus singing it in future. Derwood asks Marcus how that felt, and Marcus says he really connected with the song and felt every word, and thanks Gary for getting him here. Then, of course, we go to the Marcus fans backstage: Steph was one of Marcus's old hairdressing clients. I think we're really scraping the barrel of support here, aren't we? Although: interesting how the opinion of Marcus's boyfriend has not been sought at any point. I guess the show's more liberal this year, but still not that liberal. Steph says that Marcus is better at singing than at hairdressing, and Olly throws to Caroline, who throws to Derwood. On stage, Derwood wasn't listening properly, and thinks Steph said that Marcus was better at hairdressing than singing. Oh, Derwood. It's been a long night, hasn't it? Marcus thanks everyone for supporting him.

Derwood: "The country has grown to love you, but here are some messages from people who've loved you your entire life." The first person to feature in this VT? Robbie Williams. *facepalm* Marcus's mum is PROUD. Marcus's brother is PROUD. Marcus's grandparents are PROUD. His boyfriend is presumably also PROUD, but not permitted to feature in this VT either. Marcus loves them all so much, and is trying not to cry.

Tulisa drones through her final intro for BixMix, and manages not to use the word "muffins" at any point. At this point, I'll take whatever bonuses I can get. Their journey reminds us that they were formed at bootcamp by the judges and performed for the first time at judges' houses, where J-J-J-Jessie J was "slightly in love with them" because she likes BOYS AND GIRLS AS WELL OKAY, SHEESH, WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP MAKING AN ISSUE OUT OF IT. That's the notoriously shy and private Jessie J, there. BixMix made it onto the live shows, were crap, somehow proved popular and stuck around, becoming less crap along the way, although not as less-crap as the show would have us believe. Tulisa blathers on about how she FEELS for them and GETS them and UNDERSTANDS them, which has definitely always been the case, and she definitely didn't only start really getting behind them once all her other acts had been booted or anything like that. BixMix cry a bit in their VT and talk about how they are all BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

They too are singing 'Cannonball', and it suits them slightly better than it did Marcus, but it's still not really the sort of thing you'd pick if you wanted to select a really BixMixxy song to promote them in the aftermath of the show. Loath as I am to agree with Borelow, they need some decent up-tempo Destiny's Child sort of things. The Nialls struggle with the low notes, and the production on the whole thing is a bit anaemic, though it does the typical "throwing all the bells and whistles on at the eleventh hour" X Factor trick. Afterwards, they are all overcome, and get all huggy with each other. Tulisa and Kelly give them a standing ovation, Gary and Louis do not.

Louis repeats all of his comments from earlier and throws a "girl power" in for good measure. Kelly congratulates them and says how dynamic they are together. Gary says that they twisted the song and made it into a BixMix song. He also liked how St. Jesy looked to the others for support, grabbing their hands etc, just in case we haven't quite yet worked out that BIXMIX LOVE EACH OTHER. Give me strength. Tulisa tells Niall that she's adorable, St. Jesy that she's inspiring (VOMIT), Other Niall that she reminds Tulisa of herself, and Perrie that she was born a star. Tulisa hopes that the BASTARD INGRATE PUBLIC have voted. North East Niall is very grateful to be here, and tells Derwood as much. Then of course we must go to their supporters backstage, and Perrie's nan is PROUD. I'd suggest we institute a drinking game for every mention of pride in next year's final, but I'm genuinely worried that everyone reading this would die of alcohol poisoning.

They too get their VT from Loved Ones And Other Randoms: Holly Willowboobies loves them, as does J-J-J-Jessie J, and the extended BixMix family. Everyone is very PROUD. Back in the studio, St. Jesy tells Derwood that they all love their mums and in fact are doing this for their mums, because they are WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE and thus are represented by BixMix, of course.

At this point there is supposed to be a link up to Phil Schofield and Christine Blankley for the upcoming Text Santa, but the video link up doesn't work and all we get is Phil and Christine's disembodied voices. We remain on Derwood throughout, visibly panicking and trying to communicate with the gallery. Hee. Time for yet another (beautiful, merciful) ad break.

We're back, and we're on the home straight. Derwood "treats" us to a review of all the performances from across the weekend (except those involving Amelia Lily of course, because she is now dead to us) and once we return, Derwood warns us that the lines will be closing after the next guest performance. Which is, of course, from Coldplay, and Derwood is very happy to have some Real Music on the show, you can just tell. 55 MILLION RECORDS SOLD! 6 BRIT AWARDS! 7 GRAMMY AWARDS! OVER 6 MILLION CONCERT TICKETS SOLD! SOUNDTRACK TO EVERY MAUDLIN MOMENT ON A TV DRAMA UNTIL ADELE CAME ALONG! COLDPLAY! Coldplay begin playing, coldly, and the arena goes dark, and everyone's wristbands light up in the audience. I think it speaks volumes for the quality of this evening's entertainment that this is the most exciting thing that's happened by a very long way [truly. It was the only good bit. That and Marcus made out of toast - Rad]. They open with 'Charlie Brown' and in many parts of this performance, Chris Martin's voice sounds every bit as shot to pieces as Marcus's has all weekend. Must be something in the air in the men's dressing rooms. *looks accusingly at Tulisa* Once the first song finishes, they move on to 'Paradise' to do the job of being that song that everyone knows and mashes along to [or the song that sounds like a rip-off of Roxette's 'Wish I Could Fly' - Rad]. I am largely enjoying Coldplay's appearance because it makes for very easy recapping. Then it ends, the lights come back on and we all see that Chris is very sweaty. I very much look forward to Gwyneth's anti-perspirant tips in the next Goop newsletter. Derwood is so very excited, he doesn't know which member of the band to brownnose first. "Thank you for these!" he squeals, showing his wristband. Sadly Derwood doesn't realise yet that his wristband is not the right combination of colours to allow him into the afterparty. That's showbiz, I'm afraid. Derwood touches Chris Martin a lot like the fanboy that he is, and asks what advice they have. "Don't get so sweaty," Chris advises. Sound indeed. "Ladies, one more time, Coldplay!" Derwood finishes. I guess the gentlemen weren't supposed to enjoy that performance. The lines are now closed, and the winner has been chosen. Time to head into the final ad break. Woo! Sorry, I turned into Marcus for a second there.

Derwood welcomes us back, and for one last time (hooray!) we go to Olly and Caroline backstage with the dafties. Caroline's with the Marcus fans who are chanting "we love you Marcus, we do!" The BixMix camp over by Olly are less organised, just cheering while he stands in the middle of them, shouting. Louis and Kelly are sat behind him at the desk by themselves, so we know what that means: time to welcome back the finalists. Gary with Marcus, and Tulisa with BixMix. BixMix are struggling to walk because Tulisa's idiotic dress keeps threatening to devour them whole. "From the thousands that applied, it's all come down to this," says Derwood. Most of us would not view that as a good thing. The winner of The X Factor 2011 is...

...

...

...

zzzzzzz

...

...

...BixMix, of course. They go mad, and the smug look will now be etched on Tulisa's face forever. That's the price we pay for Empowering Young Wimminz, I suppose. (The right sort of young wimminz, obviously, the ones who are meek and polite and a bit insecure and therefore represent wimminz everywhere, not the ones who "might be too confident" and...oh, fuck it, I've had this rant enough times. Let's just call Tulisa a fucking hypocrite one last time and have done with it.) Marcus hugs the girls, Gary hugs Tulisa, and neither of the runners-up looks especially surprised. Non North-East Niall is speechless, which is fine, because no one is interested in her anyway. "The first group to win The X Factor! The first girl group to win The X Factor!" Derwood exclaims. Well, yes. One of those kind of follows on from the other, doesn't it? North-East Niall is grateful to everyone who voted, even the SCUM who cast USELESS votes in weeks that weren't the final. Derwood remembers that Marcus exists, and asks him how he feels. Marcus thinks his performances went well, and thanks everyone who voted for him. Borelow enjoyed every minute he spent with Marcus, and is - you guessed it - PROUD of him.

Derwood shows BixMix their CD. They scream - presumably in terror, because people their age have never seen a CD before, and probably think it's about to attack them. Tulisa snatches it out of his hands and bears it aloft, definitely not taking any of the glory for herself or anything, and St. Jesy says that they can't thank the public enough for picking up the phone and vo--- and then Derwood cuts her off with a bored "we're so thrilled for you, all right." I guess St. Jesy's emotions are less interesting now she's a winner rather than an underdog.

While, behind him, Tulisa struggles to get back behind the dress in her entirely impractical dress, Derwood introduces BixMix in their new capacity as X Factor winners. They're a bit too choked up to sing properly, but they bear up reasonably well. There are a few iffy harmonies, but I can overlook those given the circumstances. At the key change, the glitter cannons go off and the rest of the contestants swarm the stage to congratulate the victors. BixMix are swept up by various people and start screaming, though the vast majority of the singing continues without them. Good ol' backing track - there to the end.

Derwood reappears one last time to thank everyone involved, and to promise that the show will be back next year, inviting us all to go to the website and apply if we too would like the opportunity to represent wimminz everywhere. There's a plug for the tour, and we're outta there!

To avoid any commenters accusing us of being jelus hatterz like they did to Helen in Saturday's recap, I would just like to clarify that we have little against BixMix themselves - they seem like nice enough girls, and Perrie's got a good voice [albeit one that doesn't blend with the other three's. Oh well, at least they're all the same height - Rad]. Our problem has always been the way they were promoted to us: the whole "representing women everywhere" bollocks and the sheer pandering that it involved, the constant implication that it's utterly impossible for women to work together in all other contexts because they're always so violently unprofessional, the invitations to wash our sins away as we bathe in the blessèd tears of St. Jesy, Patron Saint Of People Who Discovered It Was Unwise To Google Themselves, and so on. I was never a fan, because I honestly didn't see anything in this lot that any number of failed X Factor girl groups in years gone by didn't also have, beyond the compelling backstory, but I certainly wish them nothing but the best for the future.

Tulisa, on the other hand, can fuck right off, now and forever.

And that's it! I'd like to run through a few thank yous before signing off for another year. First of all, thank you to Rad and Helen for splitting the workload with me and helping me not to go completely mad. Thank you to all of you for reading: I love you all, even the BixMix fans and the troll who called us uneducated. Finally, thank you to everyone involved in making series eight so crap that we were seldom short of material. You've all been wonderful. See you next year!

Tell me Wembley

2011-12-11T19:54:00.004Z

The Final, Part one – 10^th December 2011

Hello, and welcome to part one of your recap of this year’s X Factor final. It’s been a heck of a journey, eh? Well, it has been for me. I for one have been fired and reinstated numerous times so it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster this end. [You are officially the Louis Walsh of this blog. - Steve] I’m now officially on probation so as long as I don’t mention I like BixMIX or JadeFromFife we should be ok. Fingers crossed!

Did I mention that this was the FINAL? I’m sure we’ll be left in no doubt if the number of times Semi Final was mentioned last week is anything to go by. Did they mention it was at WEMBLEY? Did they mention that BixMIX are the first girl group to make it to the final? They must have mentioned it in passing. That’s how it begins, anyway, with one of the Geordie BixMIXes talking about what an amazing thing it is to be in the final as a girl group. YAWN, HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE. You’re not the first girl group in space. You’re not revolutionaries, BixMIX, you are SyCo puppets whipped up in a storm of scripted publicity and hair extensions. You’re not changing the world. Heck, you’re not even changing your own underwear without someone pulling the strings.

Marcus wants to be known in every corner of the globe. I thought globes were round? Amelialily wants to do her family, and presumably her moderately creepy dad, proud. The voiceover man reminds us we are live from WEMBLEY ARENA (which is not Wembley stadium, let’s get that straight) and does the whole bit about the Saved by the Bell, the New Class of Judges looking for a global superstar. Well, someone to release a single then see how they get on before SyCo pumps any money into them. I wonder how Credibility Cardle the lazy decorator is getting on. Who?! I hear you cry. EXACTLY.

Montage of the mad people. GOLDIE! Montage of the good people. YAWN. The competition is tougher this year, apparently, so we see another montage of everyone going on about how difficult it was. I miss Johnny Robinson. He never moaned, did he?

Three acts remain. We see a picture of Wembley stadium with Wembley arena a dot in the background. We’re introduced to the finalists, BixMIX screech, Marcus doesn’t want to fall at the last hurdle and Ameliallily wants to pay back her family. All good reasons for wanting to win, no? NO.

Time to face the music!

We open on an empty stage and are asked to welcome Dermot. We go to a VT of him leaving a hotel to the Austin Powers music. This is going to be hellish, isn’t it? It is. There’s one brief moment of respite when Goldie appears, but the rest is so bad that I want to cut my optic nerve with a shard of broken mug. He arrives on the stage in a taxi and makes a big show of saying “Hello Wembley!” Fuck off, Dermot. Suitwatch – Meh, it’s awful, you know that by now. He tells us that the acts have got to work especially hard tonight. They’re not going down a mine or anything, Dermot.

He introduces the judges as people whose year would be marked by bitchy critiques. I don’t know about the others, but I’m sure it’ll be more memorable to Funsponge as the year he had to spend some time pretending to like Robbie Williams for approximately a metric fuckton of cash, but who’s counting.

They come out. Only Louis and Tulisa are holding hands. Uncle Louis is looking rather fetching in a black velvet jacket and no tie. Tulisa’s in what looks like a Vivienne Westwood polka dot number that looks nigh on impossible to sit down in. Kelly’s in a grey thing that’s slashed to the navel and Gary is in a maroon velvet suit. You would think that Louis and Gary would have checked what the other was wearing. I can only imagine the backstage drama that kicked off over that one. Dermot says the judges are all hungry for success and Louis is hungry for his dinner, whilst Tulisa tries to find a way to sit down in her dress. Didn’t think that one through, did you love?

Dermot tells us to expect flashing lights and pyrotechnics because it’s the biggest night of Amelialily, Marcus and BixMIX’s life. Moody black and white shots of everyone walking around backstage. Kelly thinks Amelialily has got what it takes, Marcus WANTS IT and Funsponge thinks he’s the winner. BixMIX just scream and Tulisa burbles some shit about it being the Next Generation Next, hold it down, feel the noise, etc.

The finalists arrive on stage from the ceiling in a lift that’s got Health and Safety hazard written all over it. They perform a group song, which is the slow one by Take That which isn’t the Flood. I see what they’ve done here, because this could be THE GREATEST DAY OF THER LIVES! The camera cuts to the judges and Tulisa’s having to fight to keep her skirt out of her face and Funsponge is no doubt counting the money he’s making from this. It ends with a choir appearing from nowhere with torches, presumably to BURN THE BIXMIX WITCHES. Dermot suggests doing Wembley every week when it’s over. Don’t say things like that. Dermot tells us that one act will be going home tonight. Numbers! Adverts!

We’re back. Who’s first? It’s Funsponge, who’s had his baby blues on the prize since the start. He introduces Marcus. Marcus has been to Liverpool in a helicopter this week, for reasons best known to the X Factor. Marcus lands in his old school playground and sings in the hall where he once had assembly. Did I mention that the whole of Marcus’ VT is soundtracked by Take That? Anyway. Marcus goes home and the producers have put lots of Vote Marcus posters in his neighbours windows. He and Funsponge and Funsponge's massive bodyguard go to visit Marcus’ mum and family. Funsponge asks if he can take his coat off and asks for a cup of tea. Funsponge asks Marcus’ nan and granddad for the gossip. Marcus then wants to spend some time, just he and his mum, LIKE IT’S ALWAYS BEEN BECAUSE HE’S IN A SINGLE PARENT FAMILY. Marcus can’t put into words how grateful he is for his mum’s sacrifice. They say they love each other and hug it out. Marcus ends his day doing a gig at Liverpool One to his adoring fans and his crying mum. HE wants this more than everything, and he’s going to do everything he can to make it happen.

Marcus arrives onstage with lots of dancing girls [because the show is STILL trying to turn him straight - although I thought I heard him sing 'he' in reference to 'my baby' - but only the first time and then it was back to straight-acting - Rad] and going “Woo!” and “X Factor final!” He is, and I’m not winding you up, singing Hey Ya by Outkast in front of a giant aeroplane, complete with dancing air traffic controllers. The performance is such good fun that you barely notice that Marcus is singing the same note over and over again. To say there’s tuning issues is a bit of an understatement, but he’s clearly having fun.

Louis orients us to the situation, as he does so very well, buy telling Marcus he’s in the final and he’s in Wembley. Who says Louis is pointless. Louis thinks he ticks all the boxes. Tulisa thinks he did it. Kelly agrees with me that it was clear he had a good time and she was excited. Funsponge thinks that Marcus has got better every week and he loves working with him and spending time with him.

Dermot asks Marcus if he heard any of that because ten thousand people are screaming his name. Marcus seems a bit confused. Dermot then does a Louis and tells Marcus that he just sang a song in front of an aeroplane and is wearing a suit. Marcus says he’s on top of the world because his dreams are coming true. Aww, bless.

Instead of awkward home town satellite links with random Z listers, we’ve got the supporters right here in Wembley with Caroline Mrs Robinson-Flack and Olly unbearable cod reggae shithead Murs. I hope this still means we get Face Pizza? Please? We go over to them and we meet Marcus’ music teacher who says that he and all of Liverpool are proud. Olly Murs shouts that he can’t hear himself. This marks the first time I’ve ever wished I was Olly Murs. Marcus’ brother has got Marcus shaved into his head and Dermot points out he looks like Theo Walcott which goes down really well with the audience of X Factor fans who obviously know who all the footballers are. [Also: racist. - Steve] Marcus thanks his music teacher and all of Liverpool.

Next up, the ONLY GROUP IN THE COMPETITION and the only girl group to ever make the final. Tulisa reminds us that it’s the final and introduces her little muffins. Amelle BixMIX, the BixMIX spokesperson tells us what an exciting week they’ve been having. BixMIX are in the car and Tulisa is leaning on Amelle BixMIX whilst other BixMIX is telling us about High Wycombe and how excited she is to go back to her old school. If I ever had to go back to my old school for any reason, it would be to let them all know that I don’t want anything to do with them. We meet Other BixMIX’s sister who is proud of all of them. Other BixMIX cries because everyone believed in her. Next up we’re going to St Jesy’s hometown of Romford to do a PA in the Liberty shopping centre. A girl with an ill advised hairband cries and St Jesy says some shit about how they wouldn’t be here today without their public. Next stop is South Shields. We’re starting at Zool BixMIX’s mum’s house. Zool BixMIX’s mum pretends that her house is where BixMIX started and that she knows the other girls who are basically strangers to her. Tulisa says that meeting the family has made her want BixMIX to win even more. How so? Have you just realised that they’re human? Amelle BixMIX then brings everyone to a theatre she sang at once and her mum says that she’s a little star. They then do a concert in South Shields and Tulisa cries because they’re SUCH GOOD FRIENDS AND SHE LOVES THEM SO MUCH.

BixMIX are proceeded by someone doing backflips on the stage, then they arrive on motorbikes. They do a rap about how they were put together at boot camp. Really.

“On this stage we formed as one
This is where it all begun
Something something unity
Four young girls that have a dream
BixMIX ONE TWO
Stand up THREE FOUR”

Where’s that shard of broken mug? I want to do my ears.

This madness now descends into You Got The Love, which featured in that programme about those four friends who are friends just like BixMIX and never stole each other’s boyfriends. I amuse myself through this double denim atrocity by trying to decide which one is which. I think St Jesy is Carrie. Zool BixMIX is definitely Samantha. Amelle BixMIX is Charlotte which makes the other one Miranda, I suppose.

Louis makes reference to starting off the competition and now it’s finishing and Louis thinks they’re the next big girl band and wants girl power back in the charts. Kelly is happy for them and wants them to take in the moment. Gary thinks its amazing that three months ago they didn’t know each other. Funsponge, because he’s been in a band you know, thinks BixMIX have all the ingredients for being a successful band, the most successful ingredient of which is FRIENDSHIP. OH PUHLEEZE. He even compliments them on their stage spacing. Tulisa is so proud she’s lost for words and tells them that they got here because of their hard work and of course, the votes.

Dermot wants to know how they’re feeling. They talk some shit about the buzz of being here. Over to Olly and Caroline! The BixMIX mums are proud. Zool BixMIX’s mum has VOTE BIXMIX written on her arm. The rest is just screaming.

Oh for the respite of some adverts. We’re promised a JLS/WandErection mashup after the break. I bet it’s not really a mashup.

We’re back. Final – check, Wembley – check, ten thousand – check.

Kelly introduces us to Amelialily. She’s going to tear the house down, apparently. But first, she’s off to her old school in Middlesbrough. She can’t believe the reaction she got from ‘the kids’. Of which she was one a few weeks ago no doubt. Various random schoolmates scream in her face before she heads off to meet Kelly, who’s pretending to be excited to meet her family. Kelly keeps her coat on in Amelialily’s house and tries not to sneer at the home baking laid out on the breakfast bar. Amelialily’s mum starts crying but creepydad is nowhere to be seen. The pink guy is back though. Kelly tells Amelialily her family is beautiful on the way to the Empire in Middlesbrough, which is apparently cool because Ellie Goulding once played there. Some more people scream in her face and cry. It’s been Amelialily’s best day and she’s going to treasure it for the rest of her life. She wants to be the winner next time she comes home.

Amelialily is doing Christina Aguilera stars in their eyes. It’s like she wants Louis to say that she reminds her of a smaller faced Xtina. Seriously, it’s a straightforward copy, except Aguilera wouldn’t be seen dead in pink DM’s. When the camera cuts to the judges, Tulisa looks terrified. It’s Ameliaguilera by numbers. She’s legs akimbo the entire time. Louis helpfully orientates us to our situation again. She was voted out in week one and came back and he urges Middlesbrough to vote. Tulisa accuses her of only giving 100%. Funsponge thought it was amazing and points out that she’s the youngest and she made it to Wembley beautifully. Kelly is so proud and urges Middlesbrough and everyone else to pick up their phones. Dermot summarises the youngest/comeback situation again and Ameliaguilera urges everyone to vote for her. Dermot then initiates a bizarre conversation about chicken and cheese which Kelly pretends to understand and she just shouts ‘Abso-freakin-loutley’.

Over to the Middlesbrough corner of the arena, Ameliaguilera’s teachers shout about how great she is. Olly talks to the pink man who thinks that Ameliaguilera is a real winner. Ameliaguilera admits to knowing the pink guy who is apparently like a brother to her. We are urged to vote for her so she can make the comeback of all comebacks. I’m starting to liken Ameliaguilera to that person who’s always in the Big Brother final because they’re so bland as not to have made an impression either way. [Come to think of it, she does have a touch of Sophie Dogface about her - Rad]

We are ‘treated’ to a recap of all tonight’s performances, and I notice that Ameliagulera’s set does not involve an automotive prop. I call fix!

Apparently now it’s time for something special. I bet that’s a lie. It is. It’s JLS and Wand Erection. We start out with JLS, who are singing “She Makes Me Wanna”. They say “JLS!” a lot. There’s fire and stuff. Purple JLS is wearing Yellow and it’s all a bit confusing for someone who is 12 years out of their teens. The showmanship of JLS is then sharply contrasted by the appearance of Wand Erection, who bound on to stage like puppies on a sugar rush shouting something about being beautiful. Marvin JLS then says “One D! JLS” and they sing their songs at the same time. This is apparently a mashup. This is not a mashup. It’s two bands of varying talent singing their songs at the same time. NOT A MASHUP. It’s basically a performance designed to appeal to every twelve year old pop fan in the country and is clearly very cynical attempt to do so. [It is also nowhere near the wonder that was 2009's JLS/Alexandra awesomeness. Where IS Alexandra, anyway? - Rad] [I know, right? I was expecting her to be the climactic final that they were all building towards, dammit. - Steve]

To the refuge of advertising, after which, the contestants will be performing with their mentors. WHERE IS MY TAINTED KOOL AID, DAMNIT?

We’re back. Final, ten thousand, Wembley. WE GET IT.

Three of the judges chairs are empty behind Dermot though, that’s because the finalists are dueting with their mentors. Dermot then goes over to Louis NoMates and laments that there’s no over 25’s left in the competition, which is a shame because Louis has been learning the bongo part of Love Shack. Louis says that if he did have a finalist, he would have done something. Dermot asks if he’d like to have performed with Kitty, and Louis replies he’d rather Johnny.

I’m sure we’re going to get vote begging VT’s again, so instead of me boring you all again, let’s just assume that Marcus wants to do it for his mum, BixMIX are doing it for each other and WIMMINS EVERYWHERE and Ameliaguilera can’t believe she’s back, yes?

Marcus first. He’s never met anyone as talented as Funsponge and he’s more than a mentor to him. The song he’s singing means a lot to him because his mum is special to him. TOLD YOU. He’s singing 'Always A Woman' for her tonight. Have you listened to the lyrics, Marcus? Please do. It’s not the song you want to sing to your mum. We’re treated to Marcus’ baby photos again. Can we get on with this please?

Funsponge is on the piano, but he’s so clearly miming he might as well be sat in another room. He takes the first line for himself, Marcus takes the next and they harmonise on the third. And so on. Louis is now missing from his chair though. Wonder what he’s up to? Bad show not watching his ‘buddies’ though. Funsponge and Marcus hug at the end. Dermot calls Marcus Fella twice and asks Funsponge what he’s like to work with. Funsponge likes that he listens. I bet you do. Dermot reels off the final checklist (Wembley, Final, 10,000) and Marcus says dream come true and talks about his mum. Flack and Murs are now with Marcus’ boss in the audience. Marcus’ boss urges us to vote for him because they want him back in Liverpool, which makes lots of sense. FACE ON FOOD KLAXON! Someone has made Marcus’ face out of marmite and toast. It’s no pizza, but it’ll do. It took an hour to make. That’s dedication. Olly eats a slice. Dermot states his disappointment at not seeing Marcus’ mum cry. Dermot loves to see the ladies cry. [He must be Team BixMix, then. - Steve]

Next up, it’s BixMIX! St Jesy says that when Tulisa walked through the door after boot camp they were so happy because Tulisa was everything they were about as a band that hadn’t performed together yet even once. They’re such good friends and Tulisa is like the fifth member of BixMIX. Tulisa is excited to be singing with gels for the first time. We are promised a medley of Empire State Of Mind and If I Ain’t Got You. JOY. I’m suspecting that it’s all a big ruse to get one of the Geordies to say Alicia Keys because that sounds really funny. They’re going to give their best performance tonight. We’ll see.

Tulisa is standing in the middle and has nicked what looks like one of Misha B’s dresses. She’s greased up her legs like Kelly in a Destiny’s Child video. Tulisa is singing lead and BixMIX are her backing singers, which I’m sure isn’t how a duet works, but who am I to question these things? We then get some St Jesy beatbox action and we’re into Empire... It’s all a bit screechy and Louis is still missing. [If he isn't preparing for his duet on 'Bad Romance' with Kitty and Goldie, I am going to SHIT A BRICK. - Steve] That’s how much he cares, everyone.

When they’re finished, Tulisa pretends that BixMIX are her friends and she’s never met more honest, lovely girls. She loves them. Amelle BixMIX says they wouldn’t want to duet with anyone else. Over to their shouty corner. Olly is with the Mayor and the Mayoress of South Shields. The mayor is incomprehensible. Someone has a BixMIX tattoo. Oh dear, that’s a long way to go to get on to television. I bet she’s glad she got that before the name change though [after? - Rad]. As Dermot reads out the BixMIX number, St Jesy and Amelle do a little forehead touch thing that makes me want to eat my own face off in embarrassment. Tulisa then puts her head on St Jesy’s and I’m actually contemplating seriously hurting myself to MAKE IT STOP.

Oh, I so look forward to you, ad breaks. You are my respite.

When we return, Dermot urges us to social network and Jedward sell us the app. Lovely.

One more duet and it’s time for Ameliaguilera and Kelly Poundland (I’ve resisted it so far, c’mon, it’s the final). Kelly lies that she knew Ameliaguilera had something from the start and glosses over the fact that she ditched her in the first week. Ameliaguilera thinks that Kelly is the BEST MENTOR EVER and she never thought she’d be friends with Kelly. Oh Ameliaguilera, she’s not your friend. They’re doing River Deep, Mountain High. This could be amazing. Could.

Kelly is the only mentor with the good grace to let her act sing first. They tell each other to come on, and take it away lots. It’s serviceable, but it’s not THIS. Nothing could ever beat that. Nothing. Come to think of it, it’s not even this, if we’re talking in general, not just X Factor terms.

Dermot asks Kelly why we should vote for Ameliaguilera. She doesn’t have the good grace to say it’s because she ditched her in the first week and she feels bad. Ameliaguilera says that Kelly is the most important person in her life right now. Let’s see what her dad has to say about that... Back to Flack and Murs, and it’s screechy and pink in her corner. Her odd dad says she’s amazing and reminds us that she’s seventeen. Someone’s made a cocktail in her honour and Olly downs it because he’s an arsehole. I hope he gets a mega ice cream headache. Dermot is at great pains to point out it’s not an alcoholic drink. Dermot reminds Ameliaguilera that her dad is very passionate about her and the whole internet raises its collective eyebrows.

Dermot tells us that that is the last performance from the finalists tonight. Numbers! Yet another unnecessary recap of what we saw mere minutes ago!

Leona Lewis time! Dermot tells us that she won in 2006 with a voice that was out of this world. Shame she didn’t have a personality to match. She’s sold 20 MILLION RECORDS WORLDWIDE though, and has had 30 GLOBAL NUMBER ONES, 34 PLATINUM RECORDS and her name is LEONA LEWIS.

Leona Lewis is singing Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, but it’s the version that Johnny Cash did. There’s an artily untuned piano playing. This performance seemed to split the internet in four different directions of rage.

1. How dare she cover a Nine Inch Nails song

2. How dare she cover a Johnny Cash song

3. How dare all the people saying she’s covering a Johnny Cash song not acknowledge that it’s a Nine Inch Nails song.

4. How dare all the music snobs dismiss a cover version just because it’s being sung by an X Factor winner.

Which camp are you in? Please phone in and let us know. I was in the secret sub group of number five which hated it mainly because it was shit and she clearly didn’t understand what she was singing about. [I was in secret sub group number six, which was 'I wish she'd do more stuff like 'Collide'.' - Steve] Her nose is looking a bit different though. Had some work done, dear? The judges are back in their outfits though. Leona tells us that she can’t imagine how nervous the contestants are, even though she’s one of the few people who have actually been in their position.

Dermot issues the five minute warning. This is nearly over! BOOBLAY FOR THE MAMS after the break.

After the break, the voting is closed. Over to the judges table and Louis is asked what he thought of the duets. HE thought they all nailed it and he didn’t know that Tulisa could sing and Kelly put it down. Tulisa is so nervous but it’s out of her hands now. Kelly thinks everyone that performed tonight was incredibly amazing. Dermot wonders if Funsponge is feeling the pressure, but he can’t call it.

Next up, a friend of the X Factor. It’s BOOBLAY FOR THE MAMS! [Bublé's in the fridge. - Steve] He’s sold 35 MILLION RECORDS WORLDWIDE, he’s a MULTI PLATNUM SELLING ARTIST and he’s had 4 SOLD OUT WORLD TOURS and is the BIGGEST SELLING MALE ARTIST OF THE DECADE and he’s here tonight hawking his Christmas album. BOOBLAY FOR THE MAMS seems to be suffering a bit of Aguilera face bloat these days, but that’s the only remarkable thing about the performance. [He's starting to look like Arg from The Only Way Is Essex. - Steve] I’m going to the loo. When I come back, Dermot is plugging BOOBLAY FOR THE MAMS’ Christmas album, and Booblay plugs his Christmas special which JUST SO HAPPENS to star Kelly and Funsponge.

Another break? Already? The X factor competition offers us the chance to see Booblay, Bruno Mars or Jesse J and some tickets for the live shows. OH MARVELOUS. WHERE IS MY PHONE SO I CAN PAY A FORTUNE TO VOTE.

We’re back... Who is through? I don’t know Dermot, why don’t you tell us? Finalists and judges are back on the stage. Who will it be? Stop milking it, Dermot. In no particular order, first one through is... BIXMIX! Oh the humanity. YOU FELL FOR IT, GBP. Kelly looks genuinely pleased then the camera does an upskirt on Tulisa. Second act still in the final is... Marcus! He and Funsponge are as gracious as ever. He hugs Ameliaguilera and she does a very good job at hiding how gutted she is. We see Ameliaguilera’s journey. From shouty sixteen year old to shouty seventeen year old. What a transition! What a journey! If you hadn’t have been out in week one you never would have been here. Dermot wishes her well in her career. She thanks everyone that voted for her, and she’s happy because all she ever wanted was to make it to the final. She’s seventeen!

Dermot brings back the final two. This is your final two, Britain. BixMIX representing WIMMIN and Marcus representing... ER... people who are functionally good but a bit bland. BixMIX are going to try hard tomorrow because they want to win and Marcus promises not to let us down. We’ll see. Lines have re-opened and your votes still count.

So who will win? I don’t actually care. Join Steve for his recap of the final to find out.

Misha B Gone

2011-12-06T22:56:00.003Z

Results Week 9/ Top Four – 4^th December 2011

Even though I got fired in my live show recap for falling under the BixMIX spell, I’m back to give you the results. Pray for me, Bitch Factor readers, for I had to watch the Biebster twice to do this and I think that qualifies me for some kind of medal. It surely earns me my reinstatement for tonight, no? [Fine, but you're on probation, lady. - Steve]

We begin with the camera pointing at the floor. It swings up to reveal BixMIX on one side of Dermot, and Marcus MCELDERRY, AmeliaLILY and MishaBYEBYE (I would type SPOILER here, but we all know what’s going to happen) on the other. Marcus has adopted an AmeliaLILY style pose in her honour. There’s a foreboding DUFF noise and Dermot welcomes us to the Semi Final results. He seems to be wearing a black suit again, but seems to have straightened out his hankie which means he’s got his shopping but seems to have, yet again, forgotten to purchase a sense of shame.

The crowd whoops and we get a recap of last night. I hope Tulisa hurt her hand banging it on the table last night, is that wrong? Anyway, we are told YET AGAIN that it’s our vote and our vote alone that decides the result tonight, but first, we have to sit through the Biebs and Kelly doing her awkward singing judge section. Funsponge says “semi final here we come” punctuated by punching at the camera, Louis reminds us that it’s all up to us, and hopes we get it right and Funsponge tells him to go back to his dressing room whilst Kelly laughs, in a segment that can only be designed to make them look like hideous bullies. Louis isn’t bothered though, because he was totally going back to his dressing room to get away from him anyway, so there.

IT’S TIME, TO FACE... oh you know by now. TITLES.

We are introduced to Dermot again, who swings an imaginary bat to the final DUFF of the music, mainly because he’s a twat. He reminds us that the Biebs is coming, and we’ll all have to pretend Kelly Rowland is AMAZING. We’re deciding who’s through to the WEMBLEY FINAL.

He introduces us to the judges, who he hopes without their power will be meek, mild and extrembably polite, the X Factor judges! No hand holding at all tonight. Louis is in a black suit and shirt combo, Tulisa’s in a silver minidress from the Eighties, Kelly’s in a longer shimmery dress which is also silver but she’s wearing it with blue shoes so it’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT and Gary is in his Lord of the Manor usual, but is mixing it up with a flower pin.

Thanks to us, so we’ve only got ourselves to blame, the charity single is now number one. We’re having a group song, which is surely awkward with four acts. We start with BixMIX and I realise that they’re murdering the pop classic, Hold On by Wilson Phillips, which I’m absolutely sure has nothing to do with the DVD release of Bridesmaids. AmeliaLILY and Misha BYEBYE come in and it’s such a girl’s song I wonder where Marcus comes in, but he has the break down bit all to himself. The whole thing seems like a bit of a BixMIX propaganda film. They sing the whole thing to each other, because THEY’RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS AND THIS IS THE TYPE OF SONGS GOOD FRIENDS SING TO EACH OTHER WHEN THEY’RE OUT BEING GOOD FRIENDS AND NOT STEALING BOYFRIENDS AND REPRESENTING ALL WOMEN. Seriously, I’ve had enough of this now. I read a magazine interview with them yesterday and it was all about how they don’t like to get drunk and they’re good girls and how much they love each other and the whole thing made me want to vomit my insides out. [I really, really hate how obvious the pro BixMIX agenda is and how people seem to actually be falling for it. And I feel really sorry for all four of them as they seem a bit young for all this crap - Rad]

For those who are wondering, AmeliaLILY did finish the song with her legs akimbo, as is the norm and is exactly how things should be. When the song is over the judges get to their feet in what is surely the most contrived standing ovation in the history of the universe.

Recap of last night with backstage reactions next, starting with Motown week. Misha BYEBYE says that X Factor is what dreams are made of and Tulisa thinks that Motown week was made for her. AmeilaLILY loved it, surprisingly and Kelly is proud of her. BixMIX have to do better because they have to get to the final, Louis reiterates almost exactly the same line in the corridor. Tulisa says they will and Kelly all but tells him to STFU and even puts her hand out in a ‘shut up’ gesture. Not nice. Marcus MCELDERRY is painted as a bit cocky backstage. Probably more BixMIX propaganda there. Songs which are songs section next. MishaBYETHEN hopes she’s done enough. AmeliaLILY wants to make it to the final so much she can’t put it into words. You just did love. Louis thinks she shines, shines like a star, shining so bright, like the star that she are. MarcusTERRIBLEPOSTMAN is painted as cocky again, and Funsponge declares attacking the song choice as the lowest form of attack. BOKAY. Cos you’ve NEVER done that. Zool BixMIX is proud of her BixMIX buddies and she knows they can do it. Funsponge doesn’t think they’re up to semi final standard, which is fair.

Dermot tells us that there’s an awful lot of nail biting going on backstage and invites us to join him for another episode of World’s Shortest and Most Pointless Satellite Link. He talks to Marcus first. Dermot asks him about three questions at once and he answers the last one which is about whether he is nervous. YOU JUST SAID EVERYONE WAS NERVOUS, SHEESH MAN. He asks how AmeliaLILY would feel if she made the final and she thinks it would literally be the best thing that could happen to her. She’s been on a JOURNEY and she wants to get to the end. Misha BUHBYE is asked the same question and gives pretty much the same answer. Dermot then tells BixMIX that no girls have ever made it to the final. He corrects himself, but the statement has only recently been as pointless as the one about girl bands. Amelle BixMIX who is the spokesperson on the matters of how they are feeling spouts something about how it’s all amazing and she hopes people keep voting for them. Dermot wishes them all luck.

After the break, BIEBER. Adverts. That New Years Eve film looks like it’s treading the so bad it’s good/total car crash line verrrrry carefully.

And we’re back. We’re reminded that Bieber is only seventeen. His montage boasts 13 MILLION WORLDWIDE ALBUM SALES, PLATINUM ALBUM IN 26 COUNTRIES, 23 MILLION SINGLE SALES and finally, OVER 2 BILLION YOUTUBE HITS. I was hoping that NOT THE DADDY would have been added on there, but sadly, no.

The Biebs is dressed up as Michael Jackson, complete with leather gloves, singing a cod reggae song that Olly Murs would have dismissed as a step too cheesy. It’s more Sid Owen that Shabba Ranks. More John Alford than Alton Ellis. Are you getting the point here? It’s AWFUL. [And about the least Christmassy a Christmas song could be - Rad] The only positive I can glean from the whole experience is that he’s lost the backwards hair, probably heard that BISCUIT copied it. The most exciting thing that has happened so far is that he’s sat on a bench. I really don’t have the words for how bad the lyrics are. It rhymes “I know” with “Mistletoe” and has the word “shorty” in it lots. He does a really embarrassing bit where he sits on the judges desk then sings at Kelly. He sings at Tulisa with a little less conviction and I’m 99% sure he winks at Louis.

Dermot is sent out on stage to interview him. He looks like a man with a gun to his head, which to all intents and purposes he is. Dermot tells off the Bieber for flirting with the judges again and he apologises that it’s a habit which is a kind of dodgy thing to say as that lady said that he likes older wom[REDACTED BY BITCH FACTOR LAWYERS]. Dermot says that’s who the Bieber is. Justin plugs his new album and it’s all over. Thank goodness for that.

After the break, KELLY ROWLAND. Audition for next year, will you? KTHANX. Adverts! That advert for Black Mirror must’ve been pricey...

And we’re back, but WHAT’S THIS? There’s a vacant seat on the judging table. It’s KELLY TIME. But not, because Dermot wants to speak to the judges. Louis is asked as the impartial judge who shone and he thinks it’s AmeliaLILY. Dermot makes reference to Tulisa’s desk bashing and says it was because she’s so passionate about BixMIX. She is. She prays that people are voting for them because they deserve it. Dermot loves her shoulder pads. Dermot calls Marcus Funsponge’s boy again and asks if he thinks he’s done enough. Funsponge thinks that his second song wasn’t as good as his first then makes reference to how consistent he’s been. Is that apart from last night? I don’t understand.

Dermot gives us our five minute warning then notes that a judge is missing because they are performing. He gives Louis a little hug and tells him his time will come. Dermot introduces Kelly as a Multi Million selling popstar from America who we have adopted as our own, the X Tacter’s (sic) very own Kelly Rowland! The Kelly montage consists mainly of Destiny’s Child. 80 MILLION RECORDS SOLD, 20 BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS AND 5 GRAMMY AWARDS probably refers to them too.

Kelly is descending from the ceiling. My god, she’s doing a talky bit. It’s too good not to transcribe.

“I’ve been here for a while, when I was a child I was destined to be. Look at me now. I command this. I’ve seen a lot and I’ve heard a lot and I wasn’t sure what to expect, but now, I can feel the love”. Cue ‘When Love Takes Over’ kicking in. It continues... “It’s time to give it back. I love you, UK. Are you ready? Here I am.” All delivered without an ounce of self awareness. She’s wearing a corset made out of sparkle which seems to have a tail on it. The stage is all smoke and lasers then she takes off her corset, strips down to sparkly underwear and begins to sing ‘Work’ then it goes into ‘Down for Whatever’. It’s an Honest to goodness medley about making love on the floor and getting creative. It is a medley, but as the marvellous @SophieHaII pointed out on twitter, was sadly missing this Rowland Gem, which once made me cry in an alcohol and hormone fuelled state. She’s COULD’VE BEEN A MOVIE STAR BUT HER LIFE WAS STOLE. Anyway, Kelly’s doing some BeyonceDancing, only slightly less convincingly and we finish on a bit of ‘Commander’. I’m not entirely sure what just happened, but Dermot says “Kelly Rowland” then “Thanks Kelly Rowland” then asks her if her dancers were fit enough and if they were mail order. She replies that she loves her dancers. He then asks her if this is her day job, and she replies that so many people helped to make it a great performance, especially the people from her label.

Her album is out tomorrow! COINCIDENCE. Dermot asks Louis what he thought and Louis thinks she put it down, girl. A nation groans. She reminds him of a young Tina Turner.

Lines are closed! After the break, who’s in the final? Win a JLS holiday etc. Adverts! Oh look, the Boots Adverts can get more awful and BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, THEY’VE GIVEN PEREZ HILTON A SHOW. *Orders some Kool Aid and a religious zealot*

We’re back! So who’s going into the final? One final round of vote begging, even though the lines are closed. AmeliaLILY still can’t put it into words. Kelly thinks she is someone who stood out from the beginning so she ditched her in the first live show, but that’s glossed over. She wants to be in the final for her family too. Kelly thinks she’s got an amazing voice. Amelia likens being in the final to a dream becoming reality because it’s her ambition to win.

Marcus didn’t know he would get this far when he first auditioned, but Funsponge knew all along. He applied because he wanted to better the lives of himself and his family. He’s grown so much over the weeks as a person and a performer and being in the final would be out of this world. Funsponge thinks he has to be in the final because he can sing, dance and entertain. Marcus has dreamed of this for years and years and he would be devastated to go home so close to the end.

Kelly was blown away by Misha B the first time she heard her sing and she gets excited every time she gets on stage because she knows she’s going to bring something exciting. Misha says getting the yes was the best feeling and she can’t believe out of the thousands that auditioned she’s in the final four. Kelly makes reference to her having a hard time on the show but she’s watched her grow as a person and an artist. Misha wants to be in the final and doesn’t want it snatched away.

Sorry, I know we’re nearly finished, but what is the point of this section? The lines are closed now, aren’t they. Sorry, was being silly there, there is no point. On to BixMIX. Tulisa remembers their first performance. Amelle BixMIX tells the other BixMIXES that she loves them and does a cry. They’re so real! Tulisa hammers home the point that they’re not just singers, they’re normal girls and BEST FRIENDS. Amelle BixMIX doesn’t know what she’d do without the other MIXES. It would mean so much for them to get to the final.

But never mind all that, the results are in. Everyone is back on stage with their mentors. BixMIX look like the girls do in Taken when they’re being brought to the auction. Dermot wishes everyone luck.

First one through is...BixMIX. There’s lots of screaming. Also through is Marcus. He and Funsponge do a little dance whilst Kelly does a ‘come ON’ face. Dermot points out they’re both Kelly’s acts, but only one of them is going through. It’s AmeliaLILY. Told you! Amelia tells Misha she loves her and has to be dragged off.

We see Misha’s X Factor journey, from unpolished to fierce, to cowed and back to semi-fierce again. Misha wants to thank everyone at the X Factor as the crowd chant her name. She thanks Kelly as the best mentor in the world and thanks everyone for sticking by her. Dermot calls her one of the most creative acts they’ve ever had and asks her to sing again.

She starts out with a rap that tells us the B stands for Believe, and that Dermot told her so. She then goes on to sing that Jesse J song again and it marks the third week in a row that it’s appeared on the results show [and yet it still fails to be any cop - Rad]. Good job. Tulisa at least has the decency to cry, because if it wasn’t for her, Misha B would definitely be in the final.

Dermot reminds us that four minus one is three and brings them out on to the stage. They all hop about. Dermot wants to know how they’re all feeling. AmeliaLILY can’t believe it and thanks everyone who voted for her. He reminds BixMIX that they’re the first girl group to make the final. St Jesy tells them that they can’t believe it before tearily thanking everyone for voting for them. He calls Marcus fella and he promises that he’ll keep working hard.

Next week, one of those three will win and guests will include Coldplay. Who on earth could resist? [Well... - Steve] Join us then to see how it pans out.

Final thanks to Bitch Factor fan and birthday girl Jill Boyd for the title of this post.

Out on the Motown

2011-12-04T16:38:00.003Z

Live Shows Week 9/Top Four – 2 December 2011

Hello! And welcome to the week that is the week before the final that seems to be a bit early this year, but then everyone seems to go on that Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year, so why should the X Factor be an exception?

So it’s the semi final. I’ve been watching a lot of Beavis and Butthead recently, so I can’t let this occasion pass without saying ‘hurr, semi’. [OH DEAR. - Steve] It is nearly the final, so tonight we should expect lots of ‘You deserve to be in the final’ platitudes, alongside smashing it and making the song your own. Ok, brace yourself, it’s time to get down to business.

Your Saturday night starts, as it always does, with a recap.

So, Last week... Final five! The ManyMishasMirrorTunnel of Doom! Janet forgot the words and Louis helpfully pointed it out! AmeliaLILY did lots of bellowing! Marcus had ABS! BixMIX represented ALL WOMEN! Kelly did lots of WHOOPING in lieu of actually giving a shit and Funsponge was a funsponge. X Factor maths time tells us that five take away one is four, and thousands of people take away lots of people equals four. You all got that, good.

It’s out of the judges hands now though, as now it’s all down to the public vote and we get to decide which three (four minus one) acts will get through to the WEMBLEY FINAL. We see Tulisa tell BixMIX that it’s a tough week. AmeliaLILY wants to be in the final so much. Misha is within touching distance and this is helpfully illustrated by her reaching out her hand in rehearsals. She doesn’t want it to end. Marcus and Funsponge are very excited.

We are introduced to the remaining four acts (five minus one) as Funsponge tells us it’s out of his hands. WELL THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.

IT’S TIME! TO FACE! MY FINAL LIVE SHOW RECAP THIS SERIES! *gets the party poppers out*

Tulisa tells us that nobody is safe and everyone’s got to work. Kelly can’t believe it’s the ‘fricking’ semi finals and her girls are going to bring it. We’ll see.

God, these titles are long.

It’s the start of our Saturday night. Dermot comes out with some dancing girls and does his most appalling dance yet, which culminates in the most embarrassing butt wiggle in the history of mankind which makes me want to eat my own face off. Who decided that Dermot dancing was a thing? Can we have them shot please? [I think someone in production was rewatching his BBLB tapes and decided to bring back what they perceived to be his 'schtick' - Rad] NotLouis managed to save us from it for so many years. Suit watch – Terrible, but you knew that. It’s a black dinner jacket with a handkerchief in the pocket that is folded in such a way that it looks like he’s tucked his shopping list in there. One can only imagine it says “Pointy shoes, ill fitting trousers and a sense of shame”. He’s wearing a World AIDS Day ribbon though, so he gets points for that as much as I hate to give him points for anything other than rubbishness, though he has had several thousand rubbishness points from me. Dermot reminds us of the WEMBLEY FINAL and the LIFE CHANGING RECORDING CONTRACT. I notice that they’re using the word Recording rather than Record. Is that pertinent? Answers on a postcard.

Anyway, this week the theme is one Motown Classic and one song that will get them to the final. I’m glad their being honest about the latter theme anyway, which is basically ‘songs’. Dermot says that they better be good this week because they’re facing the toughest judges ever, the GBP. The judges can say whatever they want, but they have no say in who is through to the final. Can we just get rid of them then? Please? Santa? Anyone?

Dermot introduces the judges. They all come out holding hands to that song about War being good for nothing. They’re all holding hands for the first time in ages. Louis Walsh looks lovely if a bit bewildered in a black suit and black tie. Tulisa is wearing a floor length purple number which is sleeveless so it allows her to do her stupid arm salute. Kelly is in a black and white number which seems a bit nondescript for this point in the competition and Funsponge is wearing a blue shiny number and seems to have nicked Ste from Hollyoaks’ haircut.

Dermot tells us that even though they can’t vote [the producers must be feeling much more confident about who will be in the final on viewer votes alone than they were last year, then - Rad], they’ve still got their opinions. No shit. We’re going to Kelly, who’s guaranteed a finalist. More maths. Kelly tells us that her girl will be taking us back to Motown. I wonder what finalist has perfected a time machine? It’s Misha B! Misha B was upset to be in the bottom two again. It was like a bad dream, but she survived and is in the semi finals. We see Misha B meet the Bieber and it’s amazing. He looks over at her, shakes her hand and she stands there pointing at him with a gigantic smile on her face that is very obviously taking the piss. It’s a lovely moment. She also talks lots about the charity single and is very happy that it’s number one in the midweek charts. She gives us the full lowdown on the charity and says that they went to the hospice in Guildford and it was the highlight of her life. Aww.

Kelly then pops up and tells us that Motown week was made for Misha and tonight she’s going to SMASH IT. Humble Misha, who is now humble, says no such thing, humbly. She says that when she first began singing it was all the Motown greats that inspired her. She says that once you hear the song that she’s going to sing tonight and the message in the song you’ll have no other choice than to get up out of your seat. The song is all about celebrating good music and music is what makes us smile. She then asks us to imagine a world without music. I couldn’t imagine a world without music but I can quite easily imagine one without the X Factor... Can you imagine that? Just picture it.

Sorry, went off a bit there. Misha will give it all she has and will sing her heart out, because she wants to be in the final. Will she do it? In short, probably not. The Bully business has tainted her since the first moment Tulisa opened her mouth. It starts with a voiceover that she feels like “DAHNSING” and the camera is on some dancers in the back of the studio. Misha then launches into a performance of Dancing in the Street wearing some ACTUAL RECORDS. She runs around the stage like a demented, broken Tina Turner, making her own Will Smith Wikki-Wah noises and nicking Marcus’ “WOO!” after every line style. The only plus is that there are no plinths involved. She’s accompanied by lots of dancers and flashing lights. It’s good, but just good.

Louis goes first and helpfully orientates us to the situation by telling Misha she’s Misha B, she’s in the Semi Final and it’s Motown week. Thanks Louis! She’s original, authentic and a unique talent and everyone in Manchester should vote for her because she deserves to be in the final. Oh Louis, you’re just phoning this in now and I love you for it. If Berry Gordy was alive he would totally sign her. [Which is a strange thing to say, because last time I checked, Berry Gordy wasn't dead. - Steve]

Tulisa wonders what she can say. How about “Sorry for ruining the tiny chance you had, Misha?” How’s that for a start, LADY BOSS? Tulisa thinks that the theme was suited to her and it’s crunch time. She feels she’s had better performances, but that was good enough to get her through. Funsponge says that Misha is the reason he wanted to be a judge [yes, I'm sure it had nothing to do with the cash and the exposure and the massive ego boost - Steve] and he thanks her for making his experience positive. Kelly, who all honesty seems a little bit drunk, says that after that performance the dancing just won’t be in the street, it will be on the roof, on the ride home and presumably a little jig and a giggle on the walk to your bedroom, Kelly. She thinks it was fantastic because she had fun.

Dermot wonders how she keeps doing it. I don’t know, Dermot, you’re probably best placed to answer questions about how people can sleep at night, cos you manage it. The crowd chant for Misha and she just says she’s having fun. Dermot THE CARD jokes about how the records she’s wearing are probably Jedward and Peter Andre.

After the break, AmeliaLILY and BixMIX. There is an advert to audition for next year. Do you want to be a ratings puppet? APPLY NOW!

Adverts!

Dermot welcomes us back to the Semi Final and the second of the girls, so we are back to Kelly. Kelly looks like someone has farted at her. She’s giving someone evils but it is not clear who. With a look that can only be described as disturbed, she remembers that the camera is on her and shouts “OH MY GOD, Y’ALL” and asks us if we’re ready for AmeliaLILY. I’m not. I’d like more time. One needs to be prepared to be bellowed at by a legs akimbo teenager with the face of an old lady. AmeliaLILY is inexplicably wearing some fake ears in her VT and tells us that she was very happy with her performances last week and does a little dance to show us how happy she is to be in the semi finals. AmeliaLILY is the recipient of the Going into HMV and looking at the single on the shelf VT this year, and she does so as she tells us in voiceover that she can’t believe how much her life has changed. She feels like a popstar and she can’t believe she can buy a record with her on it in the shops. Neither can I. Her voice changes to one that’s trying so hard to be natural that it’s obvious she’s reading off a piece of paper as she tells us that’s she’s EVEN performed on stage with JLS and Wand Erection. She says it was great to perform with her X Factor Family and was stood so close to Wand Erection she could pretend to be the sixth member. Kelly tells us she’s picked a classic song for Motown Week. AmeliaLILY tells us she’s going to be singing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough which was made famous by Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye and Kelly thinks if anyone can do it it’s her. She says that she can really identify with the lyrics because it’s about aspiring to achieve your dreams and that’s what she’s doing. It’s a big song and she’s going to give it her everything. MAKE IT YOUR OWN, AMELIALILY, you forgot that one.

AmeliaLILY shakes it up a bit by wearing her hair up and doing a bit of walking before she stands on a plinth legs akimbo and bellows out the song with almost no understanding of what she’s singing about. She then, wait for it, MOVES FROM THE PLINTH and walks to the edge of the stage to sing with her legs akimbo. She’s surrounded by dancers that are all dressed up as Skater Boi era Avril Lavigne, even the boys. Oh hang on, she’s back on the plinth and there’s a choir. She’s still got her legs apart though, relax. Will this hell never end? Oh, it has.

Louis thinks she’s got great popstar potential (DRINK), everyone in Middlesborough should vote for her (DRINK) and that she reminds him of a little Christina Aguilera and Kelly Clarkson (DRINK THE BOTTLE, become an alcoholic, go to AA and start again) She’s only 17 (DRINK) and she killed the song (DRINK) [agreed - Rad] and she deserves to be in the final (DRINK). Tulisa thinks AmeliaLILY brought Motown to life, because it’s obviously dead. [It is to Tulisa the Aretha-denier. This is basically Songs Tulisa Won't Have Heard Of week. - Steve] I think she means up to date. Do you mean up to date, Tulisa? HMM? It’s exactly what she’d expect to see at this stage of the competition and if that doesn’t get her through to the final, she doesn’t know what will. Funsponge was intrigued to see how she would get on because she’s a rock/pop singer and not a soul singer, but he was wrong because she did really well. She wows them every week and it was an amazing performance. Kelly then shouts out some random things related to Motown then says AmeliaLILY. She then shouts something about being on fire and sounding amazing. I think Kelly’s broken again. Dermot asks her how she’s feeling. AmeliaLILY thanks the judges. Dermot says something about her being a rock singer and AmeliaLILY replies that she’ll do anything. We know that, love. She urges the judges to throw songs at her and she’ll do them. I can think of lots of things I would want to throw at her, and none of them are songs. Dermot asks her if she thinks she can go all the way. We know she will. With ArseTAT, if the rumours are true. Dermot then makes reference to Louis making a comparison. Louis says “Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson, She’s seventeen” like someone’s granddad who has been awoken in the middle of a game of Chess and just shouts out “CHECKMATE”. Dermot is happy that Louis has made a comparison that makes sense. AmeliaLILY licks her teeth and leaves the stage.

Dermot then urges us to get involved on Twitter and Facebook and download the X Factor app, which for some reason is available on Blackberry now but still not on Android according to Dermot. Sort it OUT.

It’s the groups, and it’s Tulisa’s little muffins, BIXMIX! We see them crying over Beautiful last week as The BIXMIX ARE FRIENDS AND REPRESENT WIMMINZ EVERYWHERES manifesto continues. Kelly spouts some bullshit backstage about their ‘bond’ being similar to that of Destiny’s Child. Best keep it believable eh, X Factor? Beyonce and Kelly were mates from when they were tots if I remember correctly, I thinks that’s a step too far. [I hope this means they're due to have a number of line-up changes rivalling those of Sugababes and The Risk. - Steve] Tiny Amelle BixMIX tells us that this week they have been mostly at the premiere of Hugo, and that everyone was screaming for them. We see St Jesy of the chunky girls signing an autograph and they all make a big deal about seeing Prince Charles. Zool BixMIX says she’s sure that Charles said he was backing them. There’s a montage of them being interviewed and they can’t believe it BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS WHO LIKE TO SING AND THEY CAN’T BELIEVE THAT BEING ON THE RED CARPET WOULD MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO THEM, THEY’RE JUST TOO BUSY HAVING HARMONIES THAT ARE A TOUCH AWAY FROM EN VOGUE AND REPRESENTING WIMMINS TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE FAMOUS.

Someone pass me a sick bucket. The other BixMIX says that people have been talking to them about winning and they just can’t believe that they’ve got this far. Amelle BixMIX says the best part of the premiere was singing at the after party. For you, maybe. They all reflect on how much their lives have changed due to the X Factor. They’re doing the Supremes for Motown week. OF COURSE YOU ARE. Tulisa tells us that someone has told her that The Supremes are the ultimate girlband so BixMIX are in their element this week. Zool BixMIX spins out the party line about how amazing it is for a girl group to be in the X Factor final. Tulisa spouts off about how proud she is and how they have to be in the final.

Here’s BixMIX! They are on a Plinth that has STAIRS with lights coming up it. Amelle BixMIX seems to have the lion’s share of the vocal, then Other BixMIX starts and does a talky bit that has aspirations to be a HAPPY CHRISTMAS JLS moment, but falls so, so short. It’s a serviceable performance, but I can’t help but be charmed. I think it’s because they represent me and I’m pretty sure that they won’t try and steal my boyfriend. Oh god, they’ve got me. [You're fired. Especially since this was the worst they've been vocally for weeks. - Steve]

Louis first, he makes a gigantic meal of the fact that if they do make it to the final, they’ll be the first girl group to do so. He thinks there’s something missing, perhaps their Mojo, and they’ve got a lot more to give and they should bring it for the second song. Kelly thinks that they have given better vocal performances and she thought they would have brought it a bit more. Funsponge is one of their biggest fans but he wants to say that Zool BixMIX is the best singer and she should be a lead singer. [As she pretty much has been for several weeks. Get with the programme, Gary. - Steve] Zool BixMIX shakes her head at this, and Tulisa says that BixMIX represent four different strong individuals that come together and don’t want to have a lead vocalist because they love each other. Louis says that in the Supremes, Diana Ross was the lead singer. Tulisa replies that they’re not the Supremes, they’re BixMIX. You said it, lady. I get what this is. This is the bit where all the judges say that BixMIX are rubbish so the public go NO THEY’RE NOT THEY REPRESENT WIMMINS AND ME SO I’M GOING TO VOTE FOR THEM TO SHOW THAT MEAN OLD LOUIS WALSH. Yawn. This show is so unbelievably transparent at times you can read the paper through it.

Tulisa then does an “at the end of the day” bit, which is about them still being in the competition. Dermot asks BixMIX how they’re feeling. Amelle really enjoyed it and they will show off in the next song, but Zool will have more in the next song which will hopefully shut Funsponge up. Dermot then asks Zool BixMIX what she made of the comments, and she trots out the party line about them being a democracy, because they ARE ALL EQUAL JUST LIKE WOMEN. Dermot tries to calm everyone down by saying that the judges were at least being constructive. Kelly says that in a girl group there is always a lead singer [I could just picture Nadine Coyle's 'yeah, take that, Cheryl' face as he said this - Rad] and Tulisa throws her hands up in the air, but turns it in to a clap. Dermot urges us all to vote for BixMIX and says that they have set the bar high and that Marcus will be representing Liverpool after the break.

Adverts! Marks and Sparks are now inviting us to spend some time with JLS. I think I could deal with that. I wonder how many times Happy Christmas JLS will say Happy Christmas for me before getting annoyed? I bet ten.

We’re back. Blah semi final. There’s a man painted pink with Vote AmeliaLILY written on his chest. We’re over to Funsponge who may have lost the power to vote, but he hasn’t lost the power to melt hearts or indeed, the power of speech. He rolls his eyes at the pink man and introduces Marcus. Marcus was happy with his performances, he can’t believe he’s made it this far and he’s grateful for everyone who voted for him. I can’t help but think that Marcus was grown in a lab as some kind of generic ultimate X Factor winner experiment. We see him shooting the video. He can’t believe he was in the queue to audition a few months ago and now he’s shooting a video. See! He says all the right things. He’s always dreamed of being in a music video. He couldn’t be happier that it’s Motown week because it’s his favourite genre of music. And here’s Robbie Williams! Robbie offers Marcus some advice, with Funsponge standing beside him to make sure he toes the line. Robbie tells him to go out there and get it, and he has to believe in himself because if he doesn’t nobody will believe in hi...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Robbie acknowledges that there will be some nerves but he should use them for fuel. As opposed to Red Bull and Pro Plus, I assume. He tells Marcus to go out and be a lion because he’s the best. He tells him that he’s a very handsome man and Marcus returns the compliment. Funsponge then wants to be told he’s handsome. Marcus says that he wants to smash it, whilst Funsponge gives him a double thumbs up in rehearsal.

Marcus is doing My Girl without a dash of irony. He’s got backing singers and is wearing a bow tie and a baseball jacket and does a little WOO! at the end of nearly every line. When he’s not doing his WOO!’s I spend most of my time shouting JUST SING IT at the television. He does it EXACTLY in the style that Robbie did it when Take That did their Motown Medley when they were the proper Take That in the 90’s. It’s full of high bits, long notes and slowed down bits and I can’t help but feel it would be better if he took my advice and JUST BLOODY SANG THE THING.

Marcus finishes, and Funsponge is up out of his seat encouraging the crowd to cheer. He’s shameless. Louis then calls Marcus the little soul boy from Liverpool, he loves his vocal, thinks he’s the perfect popstar and hopes he goes through to the final. Tulisa thinks he looks handsome in his jacket and thinks the vocal and the style was amazing and she loves him to bits. Kelly thinks he had a rough start but he smoothed it out. She then says that she was hoping he was singing to her. Twice. Is she drunk or just off her head tonight? Funsponge thinks he does it every week and it was authentic, smooth and fantastic and he’s proud. Dermot calls him a smoothie and asks him how it was. He says it’s amazing. Dermot then asks him about his audition and did he ever think that he’d be where he was now. He never dreamed that he could get to this stage and he wants to get to the final.

The lines open. We’re only halfway for tonight. Halfway! We’re told again that tonight the judges have no say. We have a recap of the performances so far, before round two. After the break! Songs that the acts believe will get them to the final. Brace yourselves.

Everyone ready for round two? I’m not sure I am. Dermot welcomes us back and mentions the words Semi Final again. We’re starting with Misha, who is adhering to the general theme of ‘Songs which have been on Glee this week’, according to reports and will be singing Perfect by Pink tonight. Kelly introduces her by saying ‘My goodness’. We see her X Factor journey. She’s entered the X Factor because she wants to be a successful recording artist *snork*. Her life before the X Factor was the busy, soulless 9-5 of college and family. [Who on earth goes to college from nine to five? - Steve] Bootcamp was one of the best moments of their life and she couldn’t believe that people had her hands out for her. She can’t believe she sang for Jennifer Hudson at Kelly’s house because ~~she was expecting Beyonce~~ she’s so inspirational and that’s what dreams are made of. Kelly thinks that she’s improved every week. The experience could change her life and her family’s life and she feels so good to be in a positon where she can give back. She’s in touching distance and she doesn’t want it to end.

Misha seems to be singing this one straight. She’s sitting on the stage and is in an unfortunate position in relation to a smoke machine which makes her look like she’s farting out a gigantic cloud. It starts out slow, and I keep hoping that it will get a bit faster or rockier but it seems to have been Ballided in the middle. The most exciting it gets is when it turns a bit rappy when the violins kick in, but it’s still very firmly in ballid territory. Disappointing.

Louis starts the critique, looking very red eyed. He tells her that in order to be successful you have to stand out from the crowd, and she does. She’s got a perfect recording voice and she needs to make it through to the final. He can’t understand why she’s been in the bottom two because she’s a major talent. CLUE – Look to your left, Louis. Tulisa says her performance was real and true, and she connected to the song and everyone connected to her when she connected to the song. I’m sure there was an easier way to say that. Tulisa thinks that it’s really important for her to know that she can sell records and that Tulisa would buy it. Funsponge says that he was positive earlier, so now he’s going to be negative. He’s witnessed her journey and he’s a bit sad that she’s been accused of being something she’s not and he doesn’t think that she can win because of that.

HALLE-FLIPPING-LUJAH. FINALLY. Someone other than us has recognised the sabotage of Misha B for what it was. She’s not going to win. She’s been in the bottom two practically every week since she was accused of bullying and it’s not bloody fair. As much as it pains me to agree with Funsponge, he’s hit the nail on the head and I’m glad he’s said it out loud. Misha knows this, of course, and looks broken from the stage as it’s spoken out loud. Not even Kelly can bring herself to disagree with this, and tells her that she’ll be a star no matter what happens. It pains me that we can’t see Tulisa’s face right now, because I want to see her look suitably ashamed.

Dermot tells her that she can’t do any more and asks her how she’s feeling. She’s grateful for the opportunity to make her dreams a reality and to have a mentor like Kelly Rowland. Dermot asks her how she would feel to get through to the final. She says that would be the dream, and that’s what it is. For shame.

Kelly again, and AmeliaLILY is ready to bring the house down. Her life has changed so much, etc. Montage of family snapshots. We see her audition again. She’d never been away from home before going away to bootcamp and she’s had to grow up fast. Blah blah, second chance. I couldn’t be less interested in AmeliaLILY, does it show? She’s one big, gigantic pink haired snoozefest.

She’s on a plinth with stairs, which seems to be the theme this week. She’s in front of a gigantic eyeball. She’s got a long skirt on so we can’t see if her legs are apart or not, but I’m assuming that they are. She’s singing “I’m With You” by Avril Lavigne. I say singing, but you know what I mean. Dull, dull dull. Ooh, wind machine! Still dull.

Louis says she is the X Factor and that was the best vocal of the night. He wants people to vote for her and he wants to see her in the final. He tells Kelly she has to make the final and Kelly gives him the side eye. Tulisa says that that is one of her favourite songs of all time and she was worried that nobody could do it like Avril but she pulled it off because the song needs to be sung like a story. I must have missed that bit. Funsponge disagrees that it was the best vocal of the night. Louis says it was to him and Funsponge remarks that that doesn’t mean much. SAUCER OF MILK. His problem is that the shouty voice is good but her quiet voice needs work. He says he could give her a sheetful of advice but at the end of the day she’s only seventeen. Who prodded Funsponge? He’s not happy now. Kelly slurs some stuff about seventeen only being a number and that her pipes are powerful and beautiful and she’s proud. Dermot accuses Funsponge of splitting hairs and he agrees, but it is the Semi Finals and he’s giving criticism so she can improve. Vote Amelia!

Marcus after the break, so BixMIX can get the pimp spot, eh? I like it. Adverts! Inordinate number of adverts for electronic devices.

Gary’s last remaining boy is next when we return. Which I pointed out last week on twitter was a phrase riddled with unfortunate implications, but Dermot’s still using it. Funsponge just says MARCUS COLLINS COME ON! Marcus says that just a few months ago he was a hairdresser working nine to five. Do hairdressers generally work 9-5? Aren’t some open in the evening? [Jesus Christ. From now on nobody on this show is allowed to say "nine to five" unless it's Dolly Parton week, Sheena Easton week, or Lady Sovereign week. - Steve] He can’t put it into words about how much his life has changed, and that people look at him like he’s famous now. We see him at the British Hairdressing Awards (really) with the X Factor Hairdresser. The British Hairdressing Awards must either be really prestigious, or Jonathan Ross has fallen on some serious hard times, because he’s presenting them. The X Factor hairdresser won, bless. Funsponge wants him in the final because he wants to change his life for him. Oh Funsponge, you tedious, patronising DICK. It’s ok though, because Marcus hits back that Gary has become a father figure to him and he looks up to him and letting him down isn’t an option. Marcus tells us that winning would change his life completely, as he won’t have to brush floors or make tea in the salon any more. If you have been affected by any of the stories of these poor hairdressers that you have seen tonight, please contact our helpline on 0845 845 STFU.

Marcus is singing “Feel It” by Michael Jackson. For a brief moment I hope it’s going to be the chimney song, but no such luck [now you're making me want to rewatch Britain's Got the Pop Factor - Rad]. He’s on a plinth that comes down from the ceiling which seems to be a bit of a health and safety risk as he doesn’t seem to be attached to it in any way. Again, he needs to just sing it. No whoops please, Marcus. You still have a shred of my respect and you might want to keep it.

Funsponge is on his feet again, trying to get more claps. Louis says he’s been consistent, but he’s not sure it was the right song. Tulisa agrees with Louis but still thinks he’s a star and he wasn’t meant to be a hairdresser cos he belongs on the stage. Kelly loves him but it wasn’t his best vocal because he was trying too hard. She still loves him and she’s only being constructive. Funsponge elects to speak for the audience at home, which I resent. He says he was amazing and he looked and sounded great. Funsponge thinks he’s going to the final and hopes he wins. Dermot calls the judges bar Gary party poopers and asks Marcus whether he thinks it was the right song. He liked it because the bassline touched him and it made him want to move. He acknowledges that his vocal wasn’t exact but he wants to keep going. Damn Marcus, I like you, but I don’t know whether the X Factor doctrine is making me like you or I actually do. I hate this show sometimes. It’s so confusing.

Adverts! Stacey Solomon must be freezing in her party dress in that car without a coat.

Dermot welcomes us back and mentions Wembley again, but no semi final mention. Tulisa introduces her little muffins. St Jesy, the patron saint of girls who are not dangerously skinny remarks how mad it was that they weren’t even a group to begin with. Amelle BixMIX can’t even remember auditioning by herself. St Jesy was working in a bar this time last year dreaming of being a performer. Zool BixMIX was panicking because she didn’t know what to do after leaving college. Other BixMIX was working in Pizza Hut. Amelle BixMIX remembers telling her teacher that she wanted to be a pop star and the teacher making a face. SEE HOW DIVERSE THEY ARE? THEY REPRESENT US. Tulisa remembers BixMIX performing at the first time at judges houses. They remember meeting Jessie J last week because she helped put them through. St Jesy cries in her presence. They felt so lucky to get advice from her. [Just when I thought I couldn't loathe BixMix more, they cite Jessie J as an inspiration. - Steve] They all agree that the X Factor is one of the best experiences of their lives but they also think that meeting each other is too. SEE, THE X FACTOR MAKES FRIENDSHIPS. AWW. They know they can make it to the final.

They’re doing If I Were A Boy. I can’t see if they’re on a plinth or not because there’s too much smoke. Zool BixMIX does the shouty bits because that’s what she’s good at. It’s not their fault that the song is illogical, so I won’t judge them on that. It could have as easily been called “If I weren’t a girly girl”. Honestly, If I were a boy (even just for one day) I’d probably spend the whole time marvelling at the joy of weeing standing up and lifting heavy stuff.

Louis tells them that they’re like a little Girls Aloud or Sugababes, and handily sticks in a reference to Girls Aloud’s tenth anniversary. He liked their second performance better than the first. They’re the next big girl band and they could win but it wasn’t perfect. Kelly loves them, but thinks that they need to find out their individual strengths and play on them. Funsponge thinks their vocals weren’t up to the standard they should be for a semi final and urges the public to remember their other performances. [Fat chance. I can hardly remember this one, barely 24 hours later. - Steve] Tulisa gets all arm wavy and WTF faced and cuts him off. Tulisa points out there can only be one winner and the public wants the music of BixMIX and urges people to vote based on regional alliances because they’re NOT SAFE. She bashes the table. [When Alesha bashed the table on Strictly Come Dancing this week, she apologised. I noted no such display of manners from Tulisa. - Steve]

Dermot asks them what they think of the comments. Amelle BixMIX says it’s really emotional for them and they don’t want to be perfect yet because there’s still so much to learn.

Dermot reads out the numbers and does some more maths. Boring voting stuff, performance recaps, we decide, you know, the usual.

Tomorrow! Bieber and Kelly ROWLAND. I can barely contain my joy. Join me for the results.

The bus hits the Jan

2011-11-29T21:50:00.006Z

Top 6 Results

27 November 2011

Welcome back! Last night BixMIX were beautiful no matter what we say. Which is probably the equivalent of Cher Lloyd saying ‘you’re a hater, just let it go’, even if it was presented as a victory for REAL WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE. Marcus was competent but a little dull, as per every week except when he did Reet Petite [He's Marcus McElderrey,isn't he? - Helen] , the ‘real’ Misha was allegedly back, except… not really, Amelia LILY stood with her legs a mile wide and shouted, Janet gave both the best and worst performances of the night (incidentally, the pre-credits recap emphasises her screwing it up, as if the past few weeks haven’t reeked of the producers screaming ‘Why won’t it die??’ repeatedly), Carol Decker called Borelow a twat via Twitter and I was encouraged in my current quest to gain as many degrees as possible by one of our wonderful anons, which was very supportive of them.

Tonight! Olly MURS will be back to make us be grateful for this current lot of finalists. Oh goody.

Dermot suitwatch: ill-fitting, but at least he’s gotten rid of the waistcoat. He tells us that ‘it is tits in here’. You might think he means tense, but given Olly MURS and Jessie J are about, not to mention our glorious judges, I wouldn’t be so sure. Dermot babbles some more about nothing (seriously, how can he get worse year on year? He’s getting as dotty as Bruce Forsyth, about five decades too soon).

Dermot reminds us not to text but implores us to phone or use the red button. I can safely say my fingers are going nowhere near any voting mechanisms for this sorry show.

Hilariously, Dermot introduces our next guest by saying they’ve duetted with some greats: ‘the Barlows, the Williamses, the Bublés’. Not sure if this is a sign that Gary’s people were annoyed with Kelly’s uber-pimpage last night, or Dermot’s attempt at a burn on Olly given Alexandra’s duetting with Beyoncé will forever and always be this show’s high duet point. This show confuses me sometimes. Anyway, it’s professional gurner and all round twat (sometimes in a hat), Olly MURS who is here with the Muppets, and you can insert your own play on words joke on the lines of that theme.

Twitter exploded at this point during the show with outrage at the Muppets desecrating themselves [I was disappointed in them - Helen]. But Fozzie had legs and some of the voices were wrong, so I think we all need to console ourselves with the fact that this was obviously not the real Muppets, rather some wily puppet chancers. The real Muppets would far rather duet with Jedward anyway. Or Wagner. Or Goldie. There’s no way I am subjecting myself to a repeat watch of Olly’s terrible, terrible song (featuring too little of the "Muppets", aside from a rather cute bit where Fake Statler and Waldorf sit in Louis and Gary’s chairs, which would definitely be an improvement, judging wise). Honestly, every single hateful waste of a contestant this show has subjected me to over the years, from Eoghan QUIGG, to HUMBLE Danyl to Meaty MINGE, I would take every single one of them performing every day for a whole year over five minutes of Olly MURS, such is my rage for his forced ‘cheeky chappy’ nonsense. You may have gathered that I’ve not bothered with The Xtra Factor this year.

Dermot asks Fake Miss Piggy what she thinks of Olly. She makes a noise. I choose to believe that this means she hates him. She plugs the new Muppets film. [Which isn't out over here until February. Pointful! - Steve][It's got Jason Seagull in it. I like him - Helen] Dermot shills Olly’s new album (how has he got a second album when Alexandra still hasn’t??) and arena tour and tells him they are ‘proud’ of him. I, however, am thoroughly ashamed of my nation that, of all the solo male X Factor contestants, he is the one that is still a pop star.

Another recap of things that happened a long time ago in a land far away along with backstage bitching. Louis’ criticisms of BixMIX are shunned by Borelow who says ‘Louis Walsh is nothing’. There was a time we agreed. My how weird this year has been that Louis should be the judge we most commonly agree with these days. Janet forgot the words and this is emphasised again, just in case you hadn’t got the message that her time was up. Misha gave Gary goosebumps, Lazy POSTMAN ‘could win this competition’ (God help him), Amelia had another comeback. BixMIX lost their backing track and the judges lied that their caterwauling was the best performance they’d ever done, the judges still didn’t like Janet even when she was quite good, but lied that Misha had her best week, Marcus was a bit dull but the judges loved it – of course they did, that kind of thing is what BORELOW lives for, and Amelia had yet another comeback.

That over, you would expect some ads. After all, the show has been going on for fourteen minutes. But NO! We’re due another special guest. Jessie J has apparently sold 8 million singles. Really?? Sadly, the VT illustrates how her one album trajectory has already demonstrated the law of diminishing returns. I love Do it Like a Dude, nonsense lyrics and all, I don’t mind Price Tag, and this new single is a piece of turgid sub-X Factor winner’s second single nonsense. And don’t get me started on that piffle with James Morrison on Strictly the other week. Dermot thanks her for ‘finally’ being here, even though barely anyone had heard of her this time last year. She then Janet-terviews that she writes ‘honest’ music and Dermot tells her she was with Tulisa as judges’ houses and asks who she is backing. She stutters a bit before remembering the party line. She’s supporting BixMIX, of course, and also calls them ‘little muffins’. Please can you stop trying to make ‘little Muffins’ happen, show? [Little Muffins are rubbish, aren't they? The whole point of muffins is that they're huge. Crap name on so many levels - Helen]

Ads now – after twenty whole minutes. That must be a record, surely? Also: the M&S ad solves the problem of no more BISCUIT by throwing some Amelia LILY at it. Surely just more Lazy POSTMAN or BixMIX would have been better, given that any one of the girls could go home this week (unless Janet’s in the bottom two, then Janet’s going home).

Time for the charity single, raising money for a charity for terminally ill children. I can't rewatch the VT for cynicism purposes, sorry, having had friends experience the loss of a terminally ill child this year, all I can say is do give to hospices and charities that support families in this way as our local hospice, Bluebell Wood, did amazing things for them. And it goes without saying that you can donate to these charities without buying the X Factor single.

The single itself is a cover of Rose Royce's 'Wishing on a Star', with our contestants in white with a starry background because they are angels, as is always the case in these charity songs. It's entirely mimed, and given it was recorded weeks ago, it's interesting to see who is pimped - all four girls, including Sophie, for reasons I cannot fathom; Little Mix, especially Perrie; Marcus and Kitty. Biscuit gets to duet with Johnny and Johnny's vocal dominates, although Biscuit gets a solo line later. 2Shoes, James MICHAEL, Sammi CRUISESHIP, Jonjo No1KERR and Nu BILE are barely seen, to the point where although I can make out the groups at the back, I'm not even sure the others were there (Frankie was definitely not there) and it looks like Interchangeable Ash is with SugaBLOKES this week, who get one line - which Charlie sings, obviously. Then there's a really unnecessary bit with JLS and One Direction coming out to boost sales, even though they just get to join in the chorus with everyone else. It's all very weird, and I even prefer the M&S ad. Dermot tells us that George Osborne (Boo!) has waived the VAT on the single, but more profits would still go to the charities if you bypass the single altogether and go straight there.

Olly MURS related competition. Like I haven't suffered enough.

Ads. Now that's the show I'm used to.

Dermot welcomes all the acts back for the results, with Kelly and the girls centre stage because it's obviously an all-girl sing-off, and the only tension comes from which of them it might be. Safe are: Amelia, so the rest of this bit is a formality, as is the sing-off, but Marcus and BixMIX are also through, like you didn't know that was coming. At least now BixMIX can genuinely say they're the girl group that got furthest. [It's a shame that the show's been using it erroneously for so many weeks that it's lost all meaning. - Steve] Will it be next week when they stop saying they're the best girl group EVER and start bringing out the best group ever line? They were using that one on Wand Erection way before this point last year I think.

Dermot asks Janet how she's feeling. Janet says she was expecting it. Dermot tells Misha she's been here before. Misha's all 'yeah right, thanks for rubbing that in'.

More ads. I guess that first section was a bit too much. Oh look, more Olly MURS. This entire episode is killing me (but not softly) with his song.

Janet's first on in the sing-off and is doing 'Chasing Cars', which is about as 'edgy' and 'unknown' as the Chili Peppers. But I've mostly given up hating on Janet now, seeing as she's so clearly doomed. Her Twitter page may still make her look like a giant douche, but she is only seventeen, and at times has really seemed it this series - who didn't know an over-earnest seventeen year old (I may have been one myself). I work with young people as a day job, so sue me for sometimes being a softie. [Her exit interviews - oops, spoiler - made me warm to Janet enormously. She's pretentious as hell, but at least she has the excuse of being a teenager. I'm not sure what Lazy Decorator's excuse was. - Steve] As for the performance itself, it's kind of in the middle of her performances - it has too many annoying affectations in places, but it is at least mostly in tune.

Misha's doing Irene Cara's 'Out Here On My Own', which is a bit dull, albeit well sung. Oh Misha, this series just turned you into a boring diva, and yet you promised so much more. [Stupid X Factor ruins everything. - Steve]

The audience shout for Misha, because anyone who shouted for Janet would be taken out back and shot given Simon Cowell in no way wants her on his record label. Over to the judges. Louis says he's keeping the person who wants it the most, so sends home Janet. Tulisa (in a really unflattering frock with the sides cut out around her shoulder area) takes into consideration who will 'sell out arenas' (clue: no-one) [except BixMix, obviously, because all those women they represent will want to see them - Steve] and sends home Janet. Instead of going to Borelow, Dermot goes to Kelly and reminds her if she sends Janet home, Janet goes, but if she sends Misha home, Gary gets to vote. Kelly says 'I hear you' and as she's about to decide and does her customary 'they're both wonderful' babble, in which she praises Janet for 'picking up instruments' like that's a rare thing. She does the 'I can't make a decision' thing and Dermot then gets a bit weird and says 'if you don't make a decision, no matter what Gary says, Janet is going home now'. Is this one of those new rules they instigated in the light of Saint Cheryl throwing a hissy fit every time she had two acts in the bottom? [They did the same thing to Paula Abdul on X Factor US. I think it's basically the producers saying "if you don't vote now, we're not coming back to you later", so by abstaining, Kelly had reduced it to a three-way vote instead of a four-way, and since Janet already had two, there was no point in asking Gary. More so than usual, I mean. - Steve] Dermot pushes her to abstain and so she does, even though she knows this is effectively a vote for Janet, and Janet goes home. You can hear the producers' 'finally' from here.

We see Janet's best bits. The bit where she was blonde and frizzy, her faking humility, her being from Ireland, lots of crying, terrible hipster-ness, going red, losing some frizz, doing some dreary performances, then starting to embrace the theme weeks properly, albeit chaotically and spending several weeks dodging buses. Except there was barely any singing in any of those clips. Maybe we should be grateful for small mercies.

Dermot then asks Gary who he would have sent home and he says Janet. Dermot asks Janet how she's feeling. She says confused but she can't wait to get off the show! HA! She wants to get her music out, apparently. Dermot and Kelly remind us that Janet's audition was amazing. Even though she's grudgingly grown on me lately, it really wasn't.

Dermot tells us to prepare for a 'screamathon' next week, as Amelia LILY stands even further apart and hollers to the moon, Misha probably performs another dreary BALLID, and Perrie and Jesy's battle to be the Queen of REAL WIMMINZ continues. Oh and Justin Bieber will be here. And Marcus might turn up as well. Note that Dermot does not repeat last year's mistakes by telling us whether or not who progresses to the final will be down to 'our votes' presumably so they can decide on a whim looking at the voting results like they did last year (TescoMary Neva4get). Join us then for all the fun.

Heroic Failures

2011-11-27T18:15:00.007Z

Properly Amazing Songs and Rather Boring Musical Heroes week

26 November 2011

Last week! Film week proved to be the new Big Band week in terms of its usefulness (bodes well for Strictly next week, eh?)! We had only one song from everyone for the last time this series! Borelow was an inconsistent mess! Amelia LILY made the bottom two, we had the first DEADLOCK of the series and Biscuit crumbled!

Tonight! Everyone has to sing two songs! Oh “goody”!

It’s Time To Face the Decision of which girl joins Marcus and BixMIX in the final three! [And since it's pretty much guaranteed not to be Misha, most depressing final three ever y/n? - Steve]

Dermot enters to ‘Holding Out for a Hero’, accompanied by dancers in their pants again. He does some terrible punching. Suit – silvery grey, undone with a really unflatteringly shaped waistcoat underneath that sits awkwardly against his stomach. ‘The Only Way is Up’ plays before he introduces the judges. Why do I feel like we’ve already heard the two best songs of the night?

The judges enter to the theme to Star Wars, for reasons unknown unless the theme tonight is ‘let’s actually be awesome for a change’. Spoiler: it won’t be.

Tulisa rebuffs the ‘product placement’ accusations about her tattoo salute by offering up the other arm as well which says ‘vote for BixMIX, representing WINNINZ EVERYWHERE and PLEASE GOD A GROUP HAS TO WIN AT SOME POINT’. This has the unfortunate effect of making her look like she’s about to do The Birdie Song/tell us she feels like Chicken Tonight. She’s wearing a deeply unattractive tiger print dress. Louis is wearing a shirt with a print on, Kelly a purple quality street wrapper with a huge silver ruff over her arm. BORELOW is a Victorian schoolmaster as ever. Dermot waddles around a bit to remind us that his outfit is really, really bad tonight. ‘Waiting for a Star To Fall’ plays in the background – which is one of the best songs of ALL TIME. [On Friday it was playing in the café where I bought my lunch, and I was singing it for the rest of the day. - Steve] This is where I genuinely feel excited about tonight. And then it all comes crashing down.

Apparently the theme is Guilty Pleasures. Fuck the fuck off show, as we have said before, never feel guilty about liking anything. And who in their right mind would be ashamed of liking Bonnie Tyler, Yazz, Star Wars and Boy Meets Girl? Well, other than Matt Cardle and old Funsponge, anyway. These are not ‘the songs you’re not supposed to like but do’, Dermot, they are songs 'you like because they're great songs'. Therefore: fuck off, fuck off, fuck off. I was all happy and in one sentence you’ve put me in a bad mood.

Up first are the little ‘muffins’ [Boke- Helen], BixMIX. They went to something called Winter Wonderland this week and ITV1 is getting Christmas wars in early with some Mariah Carey on the soundtrack. I might think about forgiving this song if it reinstates Christmas songs in the final, especially now Biscuit’s gone, but still, it’s a wee bit early for the festive season (although it’s Advent Sunday this weekend, I still like my month to say December before I get Christmassy. Once that calendar flips, then I’m up for as much mincemeat, mulled wine and Mariah as I can get). Mini Amelle says they’re doing a mashup of Justin Bieber and Diana Ross (er?) and she once played Diana Ross in a school production [...of what, exactly? - Steve]. It was all shepherds, angels and wise men back in my day. Times have changed. BixMIX reassure us that they’re practising hard, but fail to remind us they won’t steal our boyfriends. Fail.

Their set is 1950s’ diner-esque and Leigh-Anne starts the verse of their version of ‘Baby’. It’s not so good – they do get the customary backing singers in the chorus though, and then it clumsily segues into ‘Where Did Our Love Go?’ and then back into ‘Baby’, which makes this more of a medley than a mash-up, but I believe we’ve made our feelings on such things known before. Unwisely, they all have a little solo bit. Only Jesy and Perrie can sing, and Perrie over-sings, Jesy’s still a little nervous and shaky and their vocals don’t seem to actually blend as a group unless the backing is turned way up as in their choruses. The ‘Where Did…’ but is so brief and pointless they may as well just have done the Bieber song – they seemed more comfortable with Bieber as well. [My hatred for BixMix now burns with the intensity of a thousand suns for daring to suggest that anything by the Supremes would ever be a fucking "guilty pleasure". Eat a bag of dicks, BixMix. - Steve]

Louis says something was missing. Yes, the dayglo lights and a constant backing track. Kelly says ‘you know how much I feel for you’, whatever that means, but she doesn’t think their dancing was great and she wanted Jesy to do a beatbox and if you’re going to do the Supremes, then nail it. Bit late now. Borelow loved it. Tulisa panders to the audience like the lowest common denominator she is and accuses Louis of sabotage. Louis points out that he has no acts left. Tulisa says the audience like them, because that is always a guarantee of quality. No mention of them representing my gender. I might have to turn against them. Dermot perpetuates the lie that they’ve gone further than any other girl group. Somewhere out there, Phoebe is still stabbing pins into her voodoo woo woo dolls and crying.

Next up is ‘Ireland’s sweetheart’ – really? [Eoghan Quigg neva 4get - Steve] – Janet. She goes home to turn on the Christmas lights and she tells us she’s not a Christmas person (boo!) but still likes Christmas lights. The Christmas lights in Janet’s home town look a bit rubbish. She’s doing MmmBop which ‘no one would normally think I would like’. Except she'd have been about three when this came out, and unless she was born a hipster, of course she would like it. When this song came out, I was at college, and we did college radio. My friend Jodie was very indie-ish and she used to play this claiming it was her sister’s CD but we all knew it was hers. It took her until she was thirty to admit it. Anyway, this anecdote is merely here to provide a distraction from the trainwreck that is the performance, with Janet looking white as a sheet and repeatedly losing the words and the tune. Tonight will prove that pop songs are often a hell of a lot harder than another Adele style ballad, and a much better test of versatility, not that this show would ever admit it. To be fair on Janet, she may come across as a bit of a twat in her VTs, but she’s the only contestant who’s tried to step out of her comfort zone this series, and who’s tried that more than once. Admittedly it’s not always worked, but can you imagine Biscuit trying to do that song? [I hated this train wreck, because it made me feel sorry for her. She very much came across as the SEVENTEEN year old that she is. Shame, but it is about time she went - Helen]

Louis points out that she messed up and she’s all ‘yeah, thanks for reminding me’. He said it wasn’t great, but he loved her. Tulisa reminds us she made mistakes. Borelow whines that it was a real mess and the song didn’t work because, I kid you not, ‘it had a percussive nature’ and ‘a groove’ and she should not be singing songs with a groove. FUCK OFF BORELOW. He demands Horlicks and slippers with her second song. Kelly reminds her she has another song. Dermot rubs in that she got it wrong some more and Janet says ‘she feels sick’ and Dermot reminds her that she better not fuck up the second song. Well, that was awkward.

Ads. Christmas overload.

Kelly tells us that Misha B will be dedicating her next song to her ‘aliens’. Oh lawdy, don’t let that be a thing. Her VT is about trying to be happy again. Borelow snorts that Misha was too safe in her performance last week, but given what he just said to Janet, his opinion is invalid .

Misha stands on a huge platform wearing some leggings she got down the Sunday market with an adidas hoodie spliced with a breast-plate. Or something. It’s very odd. She’s singing ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ and starts with a slowed-down verse before the beat kicks in. Her dancers are all in odd pink body stockings and wigs with cropped gold bomber jackets circa Neneh Cherry on the cover of Smash Hits in 1989. Misha loses the tune a bit in the chorus as she tries to negotiate stairs in huge shoes, but she gets to do a weird rap about Ready Salted crisps or something which helps her get herself back on track, and then she does a slow chorus again before the beat picks up. It’s much better when it’s on its normal beat without any of the tempo changes.

Louis thinks she’s found herself again, Tulisa has nothing bad to say about it, it was all ‘on point’ whatever that means. Borelow says ‘now the show has started’ and likes that Misha is being herself, and she’s not thinking of the final (because she expects to go home tonight) but thinking of 2012. Is Misha going to be in the ‘lympics? Or is she going to be bringing on Armageddon? I feel we must be told. She baby-voices that tonight was her ‘bestest’ performance and was only a small part of ‘what Misha B can do’ and then hilariously remembers her humbleness training and says ‘what I can do’. Dermot points out that she did a ‘good save’ after referring to herself in the third person, although it’s not a good save if you tell us all, Dermot. [It was nice to see FierceMisha back, at least in performance terms. I was so disappointed when the humbleshoulders remained - Helen]

Dermot says we’ll be going back to the 80s with Marcus and Amelia (because Misha’s wasn’t just an 80s song?) and as we haven’t had any ads for a good three minutes, ITV1 are going to bless us with some more. Please let it be M&S. I want to see how they edit Craig out of that one. Oh look, there is M&S, but only the party food one. Boo. I suppose I wasn’t specific enough in my ad requesting.

Dermot babbles some piffle about guilty pleasures and then shills to the audience like the corporate whore he is. We then randomly get him dragging Amelia LILY’s dad in front of the camera, and we segue into Gary wishing George Michael a ‘get well soon’ and get Marcus’s VT. That was a very random segment of telly, right there. Marcus, rocking a Sarah Lund jumper, says he misses BISCUIT and is from LIVERPOOL. Gary takes him to his recording studio. BORELOW tells us singing live is not the same as singing in a recording studio. Well, I was fascinated.

Marcus finally has a bevy of male dancers for his ‘I’m Your Man’, which is a TUNE. Honestly, this would be my favourite theme were it called ‘awesome pop songs’ theme. Even if the performances are a bit ropey, such as this one. Tonight really illustrates how unsuited these people are to actual pop music rather than drippy ballads – although Marcus does improve on the ‘I don’t need you to care’ bridge, which is actually rather good. He then does some jumping on the judges’ desk.

Louis says he’s a potential pop star, Tulisa says he goes on a JOURNEY (my my, it’s been a long time since we had one of those, right?) in each song, Kelly liked that he raised his T-shirt so we got to see his abs and she loves him. Borelow says he’s about to say his first ‘negative’, which was that Marcus said he was happy to be in the top five, and that’s ‘not good enough’. Dermot reminds us of Louis telling Marcus he was a postie, albeit a once-a-week one. Can we call him Lazy POSTMAN, do we reckon?

Kelly tells us that Amelia LILY is still operating as a health and safety exec and is coming to SHUT THE BUILDING DOWN. I’m assuming that’s what happened that week when we had fifteen minutes of audition recaps. In Middlesborough, some bloke has apparently been paid by this show to look like an idiot with ‘vote Amelia Lily’ on his chest. She doesn’t want to go home.

In another TUNE moment, she’s doing ‘China in Your Hand’. She starts kneeling down with a spotlight and a window on the stage for atmosphere (I love a part with a happy... etc). She stands with her feet apart shouting a little as is her wont, although it is one of those songs that kind of fits that. This is fine, as performances go, but it’s at this point that I looked at Carol Decker’s Twitter from the show because I was interested to see her response. You should so follow her if you don’t, by the way. She’s hilariously outspoken.

Louis likes Amelia. Tulisa said her vocal was beautiful and she looked like she could be in a music video. BORELOW reminds us that Amelia got sent home and then came back in case we’d forgotten. Kelly said she’s never heard this song before but you have to know this song and it’s amazing to hear her sing it. Borelow then chips in to say he remembers the original and it’s nice to hear it in tune. Over to you, Carol Decker:

@GBarlowOfficial what's your fucking problem ? I actually have perfect pitch
Gary Barlow you twat! & I had to suffer a Take That concert for the sake of my kids this summer

According to her Twitter, the Xtra Factor called her and Borelow chickened out so they never had a fight onscreen. For shame. Carol Decker for head judge in 2012! Assuming we survive Mishageddon!

Dermot opens the phone lines like anyone cares. The problem with this final five is that none of them are, well, anything. I don’t actively hate any of them that much [I HATE BIXMIX AND AM ABOUT TO HATE THEM EVEN MORE WHEN THEY SING FOR THE SECOND TIME - Steve], they’ve all done OK performances, but since Misha went a bit rubbish and Marcus went a bit repetitive, I don’t actively like any of them that much either.

Dermot tells us when they come back they’ll be doing songs by their ‘musical heroes’. Apparently there is still an hour left. Oh goody.

Next up, a mentor ‘who will be a hero of her own if her act wins’. Oh Dermot, so much you making the sense there. BixMIX suddenly rediscover their mission to REPRESENT WIMMINZ EVRYWHERE by deciding they’re going to sing Christina Aguilera’s ‘Beautiful’ and going on Radio 1’s Sunday Surgery to be agony aunts, which basically consists of telling callers they are beautiful, no matter what people say. Deep, that. Jesy reassures us that she’s in team Sami CRUISESHIP when it comes to weight loss narratives on this show. I now have visions of Sami and Jesy trying to sneak Hob Nobs through the bars of BISCUIT’s cell late at night when they hoped BOREWLOW wasn’t watching.

Egads, this performance is a hot fried mess. They do most of it on stools, Perrie tries to oversing and dominate as usual, Jesy gets the last line and the other two continue in their quests to be the Zaynwrecks of BixMIX. When they try and harmonise, it is actively horrible. So now we know why they have backing singers. But St Jesy cries at the end SO THAT’S ALL RIGHT THEN. [Such a horrible mess of pandering and sub-par singing. God, BixMix are wretched. - Steve]

Louis lies that they have four lead singers, rather than a Perrie/Jesy supremacy battle to rival the one between Curly and Resentful Direction and wants GIRLS TO VOTE FOR THEM. Borelow lies that they’re all friends. MAKE IT LAST FOREVER, FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS. Tulisa wants us to vote for them. Dermot reminds us that they are REAL WIMMINZ with REAL EMOSHONS.

Perry Geordiebabbles that they’re doing it for people on Twitter. I’m on Twitter and I didn’t request that. I would like your fluorescent lighting and plinths back, ta very much.

There were rumours on the internet this week that Janet would be doing Nirvana, but it’s actually Red Hot Chili Peppers. For shame, as I would have loved to hear ‘Serve the Servants’ on prime time ITV1. Still, let us all take a moment and be thankful we don’t have BISCUIT doing Adele. Or Coldplay if he was having an ‘edgy’ day. She says she doesn’t want to ruin a song she loves. Ha. But then she ruins her goodwill by lying that the Chili Peppers are obscure. Mind you, this is a show that thinks Aretha Franklin is obscure, so IDEK. Her boyfriend likes this as well and she says she and her boyfriend have obscure music taste. Damn, and I thought they’d almost cured her of that hipster streak. Now I have to hate her again. I then get excited because I think I hear Roxette’s ‘Wish I Could Fly’ on the soundtrack before I realise it’s that Coldplay song that has wholesale ripped it off.

Unsurprisingly, it’s ‘Under the Bridge’. Surprisingly, I quite like it. It’s a bit yelpy in places, but I like The Cranberries, so I’m not averse to a bit of that. They keep a beat going, rather than slow it down to All Saints pace, which is a nice surprise, and then they bring in rock guitars at the end. I’m not entirely convinced she can do rock vocal – Dolores O’Riordan would ‘oh-oh-oh’ her off the stage, but kudos to her for trying something different even if the producers are probably spitting feathers given how they’ve been trying to bus her for weeks and she just won't die, dammit (Janet).

Louis doesn’t like the Chili Peppers but thinks Ireland is voting for her. Tulisa nonsenses that she’s sometimes predictable, but she’s Janet Devlin, that’s who she is and you either love her or you don’t. So is that because she’s not in her box and she should be or what? Gary says fair play to her for ignoring him and doing whatever she wants even if he thought she sucked. Backhanded compliment, or what? Dermot points out that she’s the anti-BORELOW. If a vote for Janet is an anti-Borelow vote then I’m potentially sold. Janet panics that she might not seem humble, as she’s not really sure where BORELOW currently sits on the national sweetheart barometer. Neither am I - is the nation still in that weird froth it got its knickers in when he got slim, or are they all collectively over that now they’ve realised what a knob he is?

Competition. Ugh, Olly MURS is made entirely of DO NOT WANT, isn’t he?

Ads. TalkTalk ad bumpers also think it’s CHRISTMAS. ITV1 ad bumpers still have buttercups on. CLING ON TO THAT INDIAN SUMMER DREAM, ITV1.

Misha B’s entire VT is about how much she loves Kelly. This is really weird. Did Kelly’s people demand some kind of retribution for the way this show’s publicity machine slagged her off that time she had a sore throat (/"sore throat")?

Disappointingly, tonight Misha B will not be our Commander and is instead doing ‘Killing me Softly’, pitching it somewhere in between Roberta Flack and the Fugees. It needs more ‘One Time, Two Time’ but it’s perfectly fine. It’s just a disappointing choice for Misha given all the potentially interesting places she could have gone, not least because her VT set up Kelly as her musical hero. [She should've done 'Work', that would've been amazing. - Steve]

Louis says she wants it more than anyone else (Boo!), Tulisa thinks it was her best week (I’d put it squarely mid-table myself), Gary’s a bit meh. Misha does the pick up the phone mime. It’s been a while since we had one of those too.

Dermot calls BORELOW the nation’s hero. So I guess that answers my question from earlier. Also: for SHAME, the nation, if this Funsponge is who we aspire to be. [Representing boring Victorian squires everywhere! - Steve] Marcus’s mum spends her VT telling us how proud she is. Last time someone wanted to make his mum proud, he was called Leon Jackson. Just putting that out there.

Marcus is doing ‘Lately’ by Stevie Wonder, a brave choice for this show if it finds ‘Think’ a bit out there – like that time Kim-fom-Pop-Idol-2-what-I-went-to-college-with-along-with-one-of-G4 (as is her full name) did ‘The One’ in Elton John and the judges were all ‘what unknown song is this?’ because they’d decided Michelle was the ‘big girl’ they wanted to endorse.

Marcus’s performance – competent. Bit dull, but not my favourite Stevie song.

Louis thinks Marcus is versatile and this week thinks this is a ‘talent show’ therefore Marcus should be in the final. Tulisa says Marcus wouldn’t want to admit it, but he would have been as emotional as she was during that song. Err? She then says he doesn’t like to shill a sob story (like some BixMIXes we could think of) – although I think we have heard a few Leon Jackson memorial ‘my mum who is SINGLE’ narratives haven’t we?, but he has had a TOUGH LIFE like an Apprentice candidate getting to interviews and revealing their super-series-winning-special-superpower-of-humble-beginnings. Kelly loves him and wants to be constructive to ‘keep him here’ because she hasn’t realised that’s not how this show works. Her constructive criticism extends as far as saying the opening was a bit rubbish but he got better. Top notch critique, right there! Borelow lies that the nation knows him as the entertainer, rather than knowing him as ‘the other one’ for several weeks until he became ‘that one that did Reet Petite that time’ and then ‘that one who’s going to be in Hairspray in nine months’ time’. He then says we will know him as ‘the voice’, when at best he’s going to be ‘the boy one’ in the vagina party that this series is becoming, and at worst ‘yet another boring boy winner’, which, for his sake, I hope won’t happen. [I was genuinely confused at this point. We've had VOTE BIXMIX thrown at us so much these last few weeks, but now we're getting VOTE LAZY POSTMAN. They need to make up their mind otherwise I don't know who not to vote for out of spite - Helen]

Dermot then says he got ‘great comments, but a little destructive criticism’. Or it may have been ‘constructive’. Dermot can’t enunciate for toffee.

Ads. How is Fearne Cotton still a thing? Kill it. Kill it with fire. [Legal disclaimer: not literally. Except in a Simon Cowell sense. The Bitch Factor does not advocate murder or arson].

Dermot welcomes us back and says ‘the prize this week is a place in the semi-final’. Oh Dermot, that’s not a prize, that’s just an inevitability that comes from the passage of time and the scheduling of this show so that there are mercifully only two weeks left. A weekly prize is something like you used to get on Bullseye when the big dartboard swivelled round to reveal if it was a beige Golf, a beige new kitchen, a holiday to Spain or a speedboat that week. [Also, technically it's four places in the semi-final, surely? - Steve]

Kelly says Amelia needs ‘all of her lillies to pick up the phone’. That’s worse than calling Misha’s fans aliens. Stop trying to make fan clique names happen. She says her idol is Kelly Clarkson because BixMIX have already pinched Christina Aguilera but as they are REAL WIMMINZ they're not getting the song thief edit Misha had. Amelia then she waxes lyrical about how awesome Kelly Rowland is. Kelly’s people really have been after something this week, haven’t they?

Amelia starts another performance sitting on the floor. Girl doesn’t like standing around waiting, clearly. It’s ‘Since U Been Gone’, and she doesn’t really have the range to do it justice, so it gets rather shouty and shrieky and it becomes a bit of a caterwaul by the end. [She wussed out of every single demanding note in the song. I've done pissed karaoke of that song better than that, quite frankly. - Steve]

Louis loves that she can do power ballads and then rock (except that power ballads generally are rock, aren’t they?) and Tulisa then overshares about this song reminds her of an ex-boyfriend and says Amelia strained a bit too much (which she did) and Borelow thinks her songs were pitched a bit too high. Kelly says she can hit the notes in her sleep. Unfortunately not while she’s awake though. Ba-dum-tish.

Dermot reminds us to vote and there's a recap of tonight's performances. A load of AMAZING songs we're meant to think are LOLariously crap followed by a load of worthy songs that were A BIT DULL! BixMIX acting like teenage girls and singing Bieber before remembering their need to REPRESENT WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE! Janet not giving a shit about this show any longer! Misha B-ing a bit mediocre! Marcus not being in the 1950s! Amelia SHOUTING! Kelly Rowland BEING A MUSICAL LEGEND AND HERO now please don't sue the producers for those news stories, ta.

Tomorrow night! Jessie J will be doing her boring new single and I will be enacting penance for something I did in a former life as my nemesis Olly MURS will also be gurning the place up. Bring me a bucketload of drugs and a barrel of booze and join me for the results!

Crumbs!

2011-11-22T22:25:00.006Z

Top 6 Results: 20th November 2011

We open on another "arty" shot of the studio from above as Derwood sombrely informs us that last night was Movie Night, and the six contestants behind him gave performances of varying quality. (Best to assume I'm editorialising whenever Derwood is talking.) Tonight, someone's going home for good. Hooray!

INCREDIBLY BOISTEROUS VT RECAP! Misha blew Tulisa away (sadly not literally), while Kelly declared that BixMix had the potential to be the best girl group ever to come out of the UK. Meanwhile, the Sugababes, the Spice Girls, Girls Aloud, the Saturdays, Bananarama, Eternal, All Saints, and a large percentage of the UK population drafted a note to be signed by all, which read "Dear Kelly, WHAT THE FUCK EVER, xxx". Louis thought Amelia was destined to go all the way (down into the bottom two, oops spoiler), Marcus gave "the performance of the night tonight" per Borelow, Kelly was "so proud" of Janet, and Biscuit got dinged for his song choice. Hmm, I wonder which of these acts could possibly be in trouble tonight? Time for the weekly maths lesson: SIX are to become FIVE (not 5ive, sadly) as one act is sent home for good. Fighting for our votes? Tulisa and the last remaining group, BixMIX, Kelly and her ridiculous triumvirate of ladies, Misha B, Janet DEVLIN and Amelia LILY, and Gary's two remaining boys, Craig BISCUIT and Marcus JACKIEWILSON. Also tonight, returning to the X Factor stage: an angry goose with a sore throat. Oh, sorry, that's Rebecca Ferguson. Also: Rihanna. It's time! To face! Indifference!

Titles. I file my tax return and learn basic Portugese.

We're back in the studio with Derwood, who seems to be getting shorter by the hour, wearing another boxy suit. He reminds us of everything that Peter Dickson just told us about, because an hour is far too long for a results show. The judges return: Louis is in black, mourning for the days when he gave a shit; Tulisa is wearing long sleeves and therefore waves rather than saluting because she is not appropriately attired for product placement; Kelly waves with both hands and both eyes, never to be outdone; and Borelow barely exists. Shall we move on?

Derwood ambles behind the judges and reminds us that it's only three weeks until the final, pretending that the series has passed quickly rather than being the slow, lifeless dirge that the endless on-stage Adelathons have turned it into. He reminds us of the voting numbers for those who are that way inclined.

First up: group sing! Featuring "three girls, two boys, one group and one very special over-25", intriguingly. Is it Goldie? Please be Goldie. They're singing 'When You're Gone', and there was some excitement on Twitter about how they appear to be singing live this week. It's true that it certainly sounds somewhat rougher around the edges this week, but I can't help thinking that if they were going to engage in such an upheaval, they'd make a really huge deal about it, slapping themselves on the back for recognising everyone's inherent artistry via the medium of live performance. Unless they're going for a soft launch because they're under the delusion that no one knew they were miming in the first place. It's very hard to tell with this show. The lip-synch does look a bit off to me, but I am recapping this via STV Player, so it could just be standard internet lag. The important thing is that BixMix sound like hot fried ass, so if it is pre-recorded a sound engineer was having a serious off day, and if it's live, they should stick to singing over a very loud backing track like they did last night. Meanwhile, someone has decided that Biscuit and Janet make a charismatic duet pairing. They are wrong. Marcus and Amelia duet on the "this is torture, this is pain" line, and they, on the other hand, are not wrong. Halfway through, Bryan Adams appears for the guitar solo, and it's Marcus who gets the "honour" of introducing him, if any of you want to use that as the base for a conspiracy theory. Oh, and someone has seen fit to give Misha B the Geraldine Granger haircut they used on Tesco Mary last year. Is there no end to the indignities she must suffer?

It ends. Hooray! Derwood toadies up to Bryan Adams, because he is a Real Artist With A Guitar. Derwood asks Bryan what advice he has for the contestants. Bryan says they should write their own music and try to play live as much as you can. That's this lot fucked then. Derwood asks Bryan who he's backing, and Allegedly Ardent X Factor Viewer Bryan Adams says "the lady in the blue dress". That's Amelia, by the way. Bryan interrupts Derwood mid-link to say that he wishes everyone the best of luck, and then they all disperse.

Time for a recap of last night, I feel. Biscuit had a licence to kill, and he was going straight for Gladys Knight. Louis and Tulisa slammed the song choice (sorry, came over all Digital Spy for a second there) and someone in the editing room decided that "this is a singing competition, not a song-choosing competition" was a positively Wildean riposte, rather than a sad old man fumbling for the first words that came to mind and setting himself up for acute acts of hypocrisy later in the evening. Backstage, Biscuit does not want to talk to the cameras, and Borelow whinges to Louis that song-choices criticisms are not helpful to the acts. Behind him, Mature And Professional Businesswoman Tulisa Contostavlos sticks her tongue out and makes "blah blah" gestures with her hands. This is possibly also a secret sign that she wants us to buy her perfume. Janet managed to be the most enjoyable act of the night thanks chiefly to a severely lowered bar, and Kelly spouted out a loud of random syllables which didn't seem to form actual words. Backstage, Gary says that she's back on form after having been boring for the past three weeks. Louis is present for this, and totally knows that Gary has been boring for the past fifteen years and is entirely beyond help.

Amelia thrust her legs apart and bellowed vacantly into the middle distance, because that is what "intensity" and "artistic passion" look like when you're 17. Louis and Kelly liked it, Tulisa has never heard songs before. Backstage, Kelly babbles something about how it was...good that Tulisa said that? Or bad. I can't make head nor tail of her. Amelia is just happy to be here and doesn't give a shit. Misha B-oring gave us the full Whitney (after the show, she's off to bitchslap Danyl Johnson) and while Tulisa liked her, Gary thought she was being too safe. Backstage, Misha B-roken sobs that when you're on stage, no one can get to you. Kelly is very proud of her.

BixMix were present while a machine played a recording of 'Don't Let Go (Love)' and occasionally sang a line or two when they could be arsed. Borelow thought it was their best performance, and we've already covered Kelly's bullshit feedback. Perrie is excited because Gary and Kelly are the tough judges, apparently (GOD HELP US ALL). Tulisa thinks they could make the finals. MATTREBECCAONEDIRECTION--sorry, a bit of last year's subliminal influencing still dribbles out every now and then. Marcus closed the show with another Jackie Wilson cover, which Tulisa thought was what Movie Week was all about. Backstage, Marcus is happy, and Louis thinks he's a great natural showman who's en route to the final.

Dermot decides to talk to them backstage via video link, because...no, there has never been any logical reason for doing this. Either send Dermot backstage, or bring the acts out. All this does is expose the bare wires of the competition. Literally, in some cases, as we do seem to be seeing a lot of the stage crew running around in full view of the cameras tonight. Derwood talks to BixMix about their good luck ritual. Perrie explains that BixMix, when they're not busy REPRESENTING WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE, sometimes get nervous, so they pull faces at each other to lift their spirits. They demonstrate, and it's the most pathetic display of face-pulling since the last time Kylie went for surgery. Still, this is showing us that BixMix, in addition to REPRESENTING WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE, also have AMAZING LOLARIOUS PERSONALITIES. You know, just like Sophie Habibis, except she was only funny in Islington whereas BixMix's humour is clearly UNIVERSAL. Dermot asks Misha if she's worried about being bottom two again, and she is, but she's trying not to think about it. Janet was very happy with yesterday's performance, though she's not watched it back yet. A member of the stage crew blocks the shot as Demot turns to Amelia, who is wearing the sort of hat that only an awful person would wear, and who hopes not to go home because she's only just arrived. Marcus, looking more like he's getting ready to play the Teen Angel on the UK tour of Grease with every passing second, says he loved last night's performance. Biscuit is NOT FEELING CONFIDENT, EVERYBODY WRITE THAT DOWN.

Time for our first guest: Rebecca FERGUSON, aka Rebecca Jazznoodle, aka Single Mother Goose, aka HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK. Dermot claims that she "blossomed into an extraordinary talent", which is not how I remember it. We relieve her journey via VT: hey, remember how she came in to audition, was shit, got told to go away and come back later, did so, was shit again in exactly the same way, and the judges acted like she was better the second time? I'm totally over that, honest. We see shots of HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK as she advanced through the competition, including a window shatteringly poor rendition of 'Show Me Love'. Now she's here with her new song, 'Nothing's Real But Love'. You know the score by now: HONK HONK HONKITTY HONK. If you like that sort of thing, it's more of the same, and if it makes you want to rip your ears off and force-feed them to your cat...then please don't do that. She's on the Rebecca Ferguson Memorial Perspex Boxes Of Transparent Excuses Not To Have To Move A Bloody Inch Throughout The Entire Sodding Performance, and does so. She's still so utterly inert that she makes Leona Lewis look like Usain Bolt. Eventually, she stops HONKING and shrills to Dermot "THIS IS ME NAN, THIS IS ME GRANN*COUGHS UP PHLEGHM*DAD" - oh, hang on, she just talks about how scary but also nice it is to be back. Dermot reminds us that like Lazy Decorator, she is a CREDIBLE ARTIST who co-wrote all the songs on her album. Well, "co-wrote". The level of her input remains up for debate. She shills her album and single, and I shan't be touching either of those even with your bargepole, so let's move on. Derwood gives the five minute warning that the lines are about to close, and we go to an ad break.

When we return, Derwood thanks us for voting, but the lines are now closed. OH NOES. He joins the judges for a chat, and asks Gary if he still stands by his song choices from last night. Gary does, and claims that he has never criticised people for song choices, just for staying in a particular genre for too long. Gary: you criticised people for song choices LAST NIGHT. Do you think we're idiots? Wait, don't answer that. He says that as judges, they should be giving proper critique the contestants can learn from. You know, like "that was very nearly almost boring this week, Janet" and stuff like that. Sometimes I think Gary lifts his critiques directly from Charlie and Lola books. Derwood asks Kelly if she's worried about losing an act tonight, and Kelly non-answers that everyone is working very hard. He asks Tulisa if she's proud of BixMix, and she is indeed very proud of the person who pressed "play" on that audio track. Derwood calls Louis "the only impartial judge" and "a loose cannon", as though anything Louis said last night made any difference to anyone, and Louis says that Amelia and "Little Risk" (SUPERGROUP AHOY!) rocked it last night, and that Biscuit's in trouble because of song choice. THIS IS NOT A CHOOSING SONG SONG CHOICE CHOOSERY COMPETITION, LOUIS!

Time for another act: fresh from making a tit of herself with Lazy Decorator last year, it's Rihanna! She's had 51 number one singles worldwide, sold over 100 million records, won four Grammies and been thrown out of a field by a conservative farmer. Since the show's treading a little more carefully these days, she's actually had to put some clothes on for once and is wearing a demure (by her standards, anyway) tartan dress, looking like the worst idea for a Supergran reboot ever. She's performing her new song about finding love in a hopeless place, which is interesting, because I wasn't aware she'd been to Dover. The Sun got its panties in a twist about her having something rude written on her shoes, but I was watching in HD and didn't catch it, so I think it's safe to say that our children have not been corrupted forever. She tits around the stage with a load of Nick Grimshaw lookalikes and a scary bald man, and I'm struck by the notion that while she's made some amazing records, Rihanna's kind of a giant douche. She also frequently stops singing into the microphone while the track continues regardless. Hey, if it's good enough for BixMix. At the end, she drops to her knees and a craftily placed camera just about manages an upskirt. Had to happen, didn't it? Derwood climbs straight up Rihanna's arse about how much she loves the crowds when she does concerts over here (EVIDENTLY) and Rihanna talks about being tempted to move here because she's here so much, before reminding us that she has AN ALBUM AND IT IS AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE.

Time for more ads. When we return, Derwood has got the results, and welcomes back the judges and the contestants. Poor Louis, having to sit at the desk all by himself while everyone else parades their hopefuls in front of him. Derwood informs us that he has the names of the four acts definitely through to next week's show, in no particular order. First through is Misha B, who's almost as surprised as the entire country was by this turn of events. I'm torn between being pleased for her and being dismayed that now they have further proof that pandering works, they're going to make her even more generic next week. Also through are BixMix, of course. They've gained far too much momentum to be stopped now. The third safe act is Marcus, who has a serious but silent freakout. So Janet, Biscuit and Amelia Lily are left. I turn to my boyfriend and say, "if Amelia's in the bottom two already, I'm going to laugh and laugh." The final act definitely through to next week is...Janet! I laugh and laugh. Amelia and Biscuit are in the final showdown, and we go to another ad break, this part of the show having lasted a positively exhausting three minutes and thirteen seconds.

When we come back, Biscuit is up first, and Gary is cheesed off that one of his acts is actually in the bottom two. Biscuit has selected 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?' [too many obvious jokes - Rad] for his sing-off performance, and of course it has been stripped to a third of its original tempo (and it was hardly 'Firestarter' to begin with) and decided to ignore the melody entirely. Biscuit looks distraught, as Gary looks on from behind the judges' desk, slowly swaying like an actual crazy person. Shortly before the end, Biscuit switches from "plaintive" to "sassy black woman doing Adele" and then back again, for no reason other than because he damn well can, I suppose.

Biscuit departs, and it's time for Amelia to sing for survival. She's singing 'Yoü and I' by Lady Gaga, in a manner that suggests she'd quite like to kill everyone right now. I'm completely confused by what she's wearing: the aforementioned awful hat paired with a too-tight and too-short leopardprint dress with random neon pink sashes in it. It's just not the sort of outfit that anyone with any self-respect would leave the house in, surely? Meanwhile, the song's had a bit of the life squeezed out of it, and Amelia's stage presence is as blank as before, but still less tiresome than Biscuit, as hollow a compliment as that is.

Derwood returns with Biscuit in tow, and asks the judges who they're going to send home. Borelow says that this was two completely different ways of taking on a save-me song, opining that Amelia "shouted [her] way through that" (pssst! Gary! Apposite as this comment would be in relation to Amelia at any other time, this song is actually meant to sound like that. Just because you want every performance in the entire world to be a dreary ballid doesn't mean everyone has to fall in line) and is drowned in a sea of boos as he calls Biscuit's performance "beautiful" and "understated". Borelow wants to send home Amelia Lily. Kelly says that Amelia did not shout her way through that, and she adores Biscuit, but she has to be honest, and she's sending Biscuit home. Tulisa has "never been so torn before in the sing-off", and basing it on tonight's performance, she's going with the performance that moved her the most, so opts to send home Amelia. It's down to Louis, who thought both acts were incredible in the sing-off. While he loves Biscuit, he thinks Amelia is a ready-made pop star, and votes to send Biscuit home.

Two votes each. FUCK YEAH, DEADLOCK. Amelia has a face like thunder at this point, while Biscuit seems to be wondering exactly how soon he will be allowed to eat proper food again if he's the one going home tonight. The act with the fewest votes, and going home tonight is...Biscuit.

Biscuit nods, and Amelia pulls him in for a hug. We look at his highlights, including footage from the days when he wasn't living on air and nettles and generally looked a lot happier. Watching all his performances back leaves Biscuit rather overcome, and in the little box in the corner of the screen, we can see him having a little sniffle on Borelow's shoulder. Biscuit says that he's had the time of his life on the show, and that Gary "did it all with me". Fnar. Borelow tells Biscuit that he's amazing, and wishes him the best of luck for the future, adding "anything you ever need from me, all you've got to do is ask." Note that he doesn't actually specify whether he'll say yes to these requests or not.

That's it! Next week, the Top 5 will be tackling two songs apiece, and there's some great British talent in the studio. I don't know who, but Derwood mentions that Olly MURS and Jessie J will also be there, so perhaps they can find out for us. The show will also be unveiling this year's charity single next week, and poor Rad will be on hand to witness every gruesome detail. Join her then! [Oh, fuck. "Thanks", ITV - Rad]

(PS. Thank you to Bitch Factor reader Mark for helping us decide what title to go with this week. Alternative titles that we considered included "Taking the biscuit" and "That's the way the cookie crumbles", but we thought this one had a certain simplicity to it that we rather liked...)

Keeping it reel

2011-11-20T12:23:00.009Z

Top 6: 19th November 2011

LAST WEEK: "You" voted Amelia Lily back into the competition! (Whether any of our readers were responsible for this unwelcome turn of events is something I don't know, but I resent the show telling me that the result of the public vote is anything to do with me; the last X Factor contestant I voted for was Alexandra BURKE and I plan for it to stay that way). The finalists sang live (or some approximation thereof) for our votes and everyone was fucking tedious, but only Janet was called on it. In a sadly predictable bottom two, Kitty faced off against Misha, and the judges decided that it was finally time to put the cat out, but then Kitty got hugged by Lady Gaga and everything else became completely irrelevant. More so than usual.

Tonight is Movie Night [which is always shit. Also, it's FILMS in this country. British people just sound stupid when we say 'movie' - Rad], which hopefully means we'll get to hear the entire soundtrack of Gummo, and the top six will be fighting it out for a place in the grand final. You might think it a tad odd that the final is being mentioned so early, but the show would just like us to remember that this year it's coming from Wembley, in another example of scorching X Factor originality, just like when Austin Drage did that entirely original version of 'Billie Jean'. (God, even linking to David Cook brings me out in hives, but sometimes my editorial integrity requires it. That's how devoted I am to this blog, viewers!) Anywhere, where were we? Oh yes, everyone really wants to win. That's nice, isn't it?

Let's remember who's still here: Tulisa and her last remaining group, the inexplicably popular BixMIX, still presumably REPRESENTING WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE; Kelly's girls, Misha B, Janet DEVLIN and Amelia SHOEHORNEDBACKIN; and Gary's two remaining chaps, Craig BISCUIT and Marcus THROWBACK. It's time! To face! Acute tedium!

Titles! I consider taking up a less sadistic hobby, like base jumping or listening to Justin Bieber.

Live! From London! It's movie night, and here's our host: O'Leary, Derwood O'Leary. Peter Dickson's weird pronunciation of Derwood's last name made me think we might have Ulrika Jonsson as a special guest host for one glorious moment tonight, but ultimately I was disappointed. Derwood appears with some gold-catsuited Bond girls, nearly all of whom are taller than he is. Suitwatch: single breasted, drab grey, jacket looks about three sizes too big for him, BOXY BOXY BOXY. They do a little dance down to the front of the stage, which Derwood could not look less invested in if he tried. And we all know that as a former T4 presenter, he's had plenty of practice in attempting to look like he doesn't care about anything. Remember when you thought Derwood was cool? It's nice to know it's not just the judges and contestants who get completely ruined by this show. [I haven't thought about that you know, but you're right. He was awesome on Re:covered - Helen]

Derwood reminds us that for a change, nobody's resigned, there's been no power cut, it's almost like this show is staffed by actual professionals. Let's see how long that lasts. He blathers on about how the contestants will be going home if they flop, because if there's one thing that we've learned from the votes so far this series, it's that people are definitely voting for the best performances on the night, and emphatically not for who they fancy, or who they are told REPRESENTS WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE, or whoever is not a confident black woman. The judges enter to the overture from Star Wars (oh, the irony) and Kelly's chest appears to have popped open, exposing the crude circuitry inside. Oh, my mistake: that's just her outfit. Tulisa's actually looking quite nice tonight in a simple black belted dress, Borelow's still in country estate tweed and Louis is in his usual dinner suit. Tulisa does that weird arm salute again, having committed too much to it to stop now, even though no one in the country knows what it means or cares about it in the slightest.

Up first is Craig Biscuit for Gary, singing a "Bond classic". We're reminded that last week he proved there is no song so amazing that he cannot completely suck all the life and joy out of it with his Adelified version of 'Paparazzi', and Biscuit points out that he didn't think he'd get past the first audition, and yet he's made it all this way. Yes, top six! Wow siree, that really is something. You're joining such luminaries as Lloyd Daniels, Bellowing Beverley, Eoghan Quigg, Mary Byrne, etc. He explains that his life is PRETTY SHOWBIZ right now, because he was invited to a charity gig in Manchester. He neglects to mention that it was organised by his mentor. Biscuit witters on about how being recognised doesn't get any easier. MY HEART BLEEDS FOR YOU. He also says that they had a shock announcement from Tulisa this week. That announcement is...that they're all on the tour. Wow, the word "shock" really has lost all currency on this show, hasn't it? I mean, Olly and Caroline told Kitty on Xtra Factor last week that she'd be on the tour, so you'd think everyone still remaining in the competition would've taken it as read. (Also, the BixMix revisionist history extravaganza continues. They will not be the first girl group to make the tour. PHOEBE AND THE WOO WOO GIRLS WERE ON THE TOUR, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.) Biscuit then plays the JUST A NORMAL BOY FROM KIRKBY card, and I really could not care less. We see his parents blathering about how they just KNEW he was going to be a singer from an early age, and this is backed up with a video of Biscuit, aged two, doing something that could be vaguely described as "singing". I'm not exactly an expert on two-year-olds, but don't most of them do that? Borelow reminds us that Biscuit is NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL. Perhaps he is REPRESENTING NORMAL PEOPLE EVERYWHERE (but not the WIMMINZ, obviously, that's still BixMix's job).

He's singing 'Licence To Kill', from...Licence To Kill, oddly enough. He is giving it serious sidegob with an extra dose of the mumble factor. Because Biscuit is one of Borelow's mentees, the song has been "tripped back", i.e. has had all the interesting bits taken out, so the chorus is a disappointingly damb squib, and the less said about the Adelification of the middle eight the better. I am quite angry right now, because this is my favourite of all the Bond themes, and I hate Biscuit for draining all of the drama and urgency out of it.

Louis remarks that Biscuit is "a great person". Thanks Louis! However, he didn't like the song choice, because Biscuit is better than that song. He really, really isn't. Tulisa is slumped over the desk looking half-cut, so I'm going to assume that that is indeed the case with her tonight (she's clearly taking the same approach to getting through this show as the rest of us), slurring that he SHHHOUNDED ABSHHHOLUTELY AMAYSSSHING, but she agrees with Louis, that it was a bit predictable. Kelly: "You always come here, and you always deliver vocally." Odd how "you always come here" is a compliment. Maybe I have higher standards than most people, but "actually turning up" is pretty much the least I'm looking for from these people. She would like to give him some constructive criticism: "man, you know what? I just love you!" That is neither constructive nor criticism, Kelly. Sort it the fuck out. She wants to see more personality from him. Borelow whinges that this is "lazy critique from judges tonight". Sound the hypocrisy klaxon! He then moans that "this is a singing competition" (it really isn't, Borelow. The clue is in the title, if you bother to pay attention) and it's not a "song-choosing competition". Just as well. Tulisa starts clambering on the desk and waving around a bottle of shandy and screaming about how it was fine for him to say this sort of thing about her acts last week before bursting into tears and calling the audience a bunch of slags. Borelow tells Biscuit that it was an "incredible" performance and that he nailed it "as usual". [I only saw half a chorus of this - bless the fast forward button - but it was incredibly out of tune - Rad]

Derwood turns up and is all "it's movie night, though, Louis?" And Louis and Tulisa suggest that he could've done a much better Bond song. Yeah! He should've done 'All Time High' from Octopussy! Biscuit blands that it's the best Bond theme and that he and Gary chose it together, so haters to the left, and so on.

Time for an ad break. I like that even in the ads, the people playing on a Nintendo 3DS have got the 3D switched off because the games are much easier that way.

On our return, it's time for Kelly and the girls. Kelly is very keen to place her song choice, as her intro runs thus: "Singing a song from the 2003 box office hit How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, it's miss Janet Devlin." I love that we're really covering the classic films. Last week, Janet was ALMOST BORING for Borelow, and she's horrified by this, so this week she's trying to be a bit more uptempo. Janet explains that she's not a pop artist, and while she's not against pop music per se, "it's difficult to find songs that I like in the pop industry". Oh, do please FUCK OFF FOREVER, you tedious try-hard. "I'm not boring, I'm just weird," she insists, apparently unaware that there are few things in the world more boring than people who like to tell you they're weird. Janet goes to London's trendy Corinthia Hotel to get ready for the Twilight: Breaking Hymen premiere, and the stylist Laury Smith says that styling Janet is "always quite tricky" (read: a total soul-sucking nightmare). At the premiere, Janet says that people calling out her name is weird: "how do you know my name?" Possibly because you're on a show that's getting just under ten million viewers a week, love? Just an idea. Kelly insists that Janet isn't boring, and this week's song is a great one to showcase her personality.

Janet's singing 'Kiss Me' by Sixpence None The Richer, and I know that quibbling the source of songs from Movie Night is asking for trouble, but surely this is better known for being on the She's All That soundtrack? Anyway, in a strange sort of way, this song kind of suits Janet because it allows to her to yelp and be "whimsical". I'm going to ignore the fact that "kiss me beneath the milky twilight" sounds really disgusting, by the way.[Don't get me started on the "We'll take the trail marked on your father's map business *shudders* - Helen] She's moving about a bit while not actually straying away from the same spot on the floor, in some sort of Rebecca "Single Mother Goose" Ferguson tribute. She is also sidegobbing, thought not as badly as Biscuit did, and the conspicuously dropped consonants start to grate quite quickly, but this is probably the most I've enjoyed one of Janet's performances since the trainwreck that was 'I Want You Back', which I liked for possibly the wrong reasons. [Janet's was actually my favourite of the night. Kill me now before it becomes that time when the Claw did Michael Jackson and Blondie and made me vaguely like her - Rad.]

Louis is on full autopilot: all about the voice, natural Celtic charm, great recording voice, etc. Tulisa is so drunk that she's happy to see Janet back in her comfort zone, and also happy to see the smiley green leprechaun next to her, but her only "advice" is to "pull some big songs out of the bag" next week if she's through. So having told Janet to get out of her box a few weeks ago, then telling her to get straight back in it when she did that, now Tulisa's telling her to...get out of her box again? I'm not even sure what "big songs" is supposed to mean, exactly, but I'm guessing it means "do more uptempo shit", which was precisely what got her into trouble last time. I'm guessing Tulisa is running out of places to go with her judging, and fast. Gary thinks Janet has been performing "below average" over the last couple of weeks (depends on what you mean by "average" - this show's curve skews a lot lower than most of us would generally recognise by the term). He then goes on to say that it's all about song choice for her, and that when she gets the song choice right, she really soars. Or saws. Or sores. Any of the three could be applicable, quite frankly. Also, I note that Gary's "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT ON SONG CHOICE" regime went right out of the window the minute it wasn't his act on the stage. He is such a twat. Kelly thinks it's been a tough few weeks for Janet, but this was a great time for her to bounce back.

Derwood arrives and asks Janet if she's turned a corner. Janet says she was comfortable in the song. Derwood complains that Janet is now taller than him, like that isn't true for everyone in the entire world. "What are you, on stilts or something?" he asks. Kelly responds deadpan: "Yes. I like for my girls to wear stilts." Everyone involved is so very over this show, aren't they?

Time for another ad break. ITV is planning music specials with the following: Beyoncé (hooray!), Michael Bublé (boo!), Westlife (hiss!) and Justin Bieber (THERE IS NO GOD).

Once we're back, Derwood shills the official app, with a game on it that looks utter bobbins, and then it's time for Amelia Lily. She recalls being voted back in last week, and then standing with her legs apart bellowing into the middle distance, which is what passes for talent these days. Kelly pretends that she had to make a tough decision to send someone home in week one, rather than admitting it was idiotic of her to keep Sophie "Hilarious in Islington, honest" Habibis in the competition. Amelia tells us that she's been doing gigs all over the country since being eliminated, and has definitely not given up or anything. She goes on to say that Kelly took her category to a spa in London to relax (as opposed to Tulisa, who took BixMix to a Spar in Camden for MOAR BOOZE), and then they all went to Twilight. Amelia wants to prove that she should've been in the competition all along.

She's performing 'Think' by Aretha Franklin, from Bridget Jones's Diary, apparently, with the vapid expression of a blow-up doll plastered all over her face. She fluffs the lyrics early on ("oh, think! Let's go back and mnahmnahmnah free!") There's not much to get excited about here - she's completely dead behind the eyes, the staging is lifeless, and Katharine McPhee managed to do a lot more with a lot less on American Idol. Amelia's performance isn't even particularly tuneful.

Auto-Louis: you are the comeback girl, you are the one to watch, you're the next big UK female, oh Kelly, why did you get rid of her, etc. Tulisa, tipping her vodka bottle up high in order to suck those precious remaining drops of ambrosia out, thinks that everyone is pleased to have Amelia back, but she didn't like the song choice, because she didn't feel the song is well-known enough. "I don't know that song!" she exclaims. Well, that's next week's theme sorted: Songs Tulisa Knows. (Tulisa is so hilariously out of her depth at this point, and I'm officially calling for her removal purely based on having never heard that song before. Fuck's sake, Tulisa, get wider pools of reference.) Borelow thinks it was a fantastic performance, and trying to be constructive, he thinks it was all "a semi-tone too high" for her. Sure, whatever. Kelly thinks she did a great job and "not everybody will know the song, but...yeah, I'm just going to leave it at that." Sheesh.

Derwood asks Amelia how it feels to be back. Amelia is all IT IS HARD TO RETURN SUDDENLY, I AM JUST TRYING MY BEST, ALSO WHEN CAN I GET MY HAIR CHANGED BACK TO A NORMAL COLOUR PLEASE?

Competition time: win tickets to see Olly MURS! This is presented as a good thing, despite the new competition clip being Olly completely massacring 'Don't Stop Me Now'. Then time for more ads, including the John Lewis Christmas ad, which is amazing whatever the heartless people might be telling you.

When we return, Derwood is in the audience with Giant Ham David Walliams, who is introduced as being a BixMix fan, because they REPRESENT LAYDEEZ EVERYWHERE, presumably. Russell Tovey's next to him as well, though he's not got his arse out so I barely recognise him. Derwood asks David Walliams who his favourite remaining act is, and BixMix fan David Walliams says that it's BixMix. Well, that was edifying.

Up next, with a track from The Bodyguard, it's Misha B. Last week, she was bottom two again, and Misha VTs that she doesn't know what she's doing wrong. Ooh! Ooh! I know! You started off being a confident black woman, which is always an obstacle on this show, then Tulisa threw you under the bus, then you reinvented yourself as someone tediously humble who gives low-key performances, thereby alienating the small but appreciative group of people who liked you in the first place. I think that covers it, right? We're reminded of Misha's sob story regarding her birth mother, WHO IS NOT DEAD BUT ABSENT, since this week she wrote a letter to the press saying she wanted to get back in touch. Would it not have been easier to send it to The X Factor, Misha's Birth Mum? Kelly shares her own troubled family history with Misha, and Misha cries a bit. Misha says that she doesn't know how her mother would've felt at the time, so she's not going to hold grudges. More crying from both of them. DEAR AUDIENCE, MISHA HAS VULNERABILITY, PLEASE VOTE FOR HER, LOTS OF LOVE FROM THE X FACTOR. Kelly says that Misha will be able to use everything she's been through this week in her performance.

It's a performance of 'I Have Nothing' by Whitney Houston. It's not that great, to be honest. HumbleBalladMisha is not all that exciting, and for all that the word "predictable" has been overused to the point of losing all meaning this year, this does feel like the absolute most obvious place they could've gone with Misha at this point, and it's pretty much just made her just another generic little girl with a big voice. Such a disappointment, considering the sort of performance she used to be capable of before this awful show chewed her up and spat her out.

Auto-Louis: you look incredible, that is a hard song by a great artist, I want people from *INSERT HOMETOWN HERE* to vote for you. Tulisa summons Derwood over and, mistaking him for a waiter in that ill-fitting suit, orders another round of cocktails for everyone before telling Misha that she looks beautiful and has an amazing voice. Misha is crying at this point. Borelow says nonsensically: "I can't tell you how sad I was last week to see you twice in the bottom week", and he disagrees with everyone watching the show, because he can't believe no one's voting for her. He's an absolute mass of incoherence tonight, isn't he? He thinks the worst thing about all of this is that it's affecting her song choices (WHICH WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE COMMENTING ON, GARY) and her performances because she's being too safe, and he wants the old Misha B back. As much as it goes against every fibre of my being to agree with this man, I have to say: word, Gary Barlow. He thinks that if she's going to go out that way, "who cares? Go out with your integrity!" Kelly thought it was a great performance, and thinks everyone needs to vote for Misha to stay in.

Derwood arrives and gives her a hug. He asks her how she's feeling now, and Misha says that she set herself up to expect the unexpected, but she's glad to still be here living the dream, etc. Derwood asks her what the tears are for. The Misha Of My Dreams: "They're for votes, Derwood. I mean, it doesn't seem to have been doing The Chubby-Faced One from BixMix, who represent wimminz everywhere, any harm to constantly appear on screen sobbing about how the world is SO MEAN, so I figured it was worth a shot." The Actual Misha: "It's just everything."

All-New All-Boring Misha departs, and it's time for BixMix. Tulisa informs us that they're singing a song from the movie Set It Off. Ah, this year's Gummo. I'd never heard of this one, so I looked it up on IMDB and discovered that it's about "four black women, all of whom have suffered for lack of money and at the hands of the majority, [who] undertake to rob banks." Yeah, that totally sounds like a film this show's audience would have seen and also totally relate to.

BixMix's VT is about how being in a girl group is hectic. So hectic that they managed to spare some time to meet The Saturdays, all the better to understand how to continue being a poor man's version of them. Mollie From The Saturdays ruins herself forever by signing up to the BixMix "look how well you get on! That is so surprising considering you are all women attempting to work together!" line of offensive bullshit. Vanessa thinks they are just like The Saturdays were at the beginning of the career, by which she presumably means "a less good version of something that already exists". Rochelle says that they can't wait to have another girlband on the scene with them. Yes, what the Saturdays definitely need now is someone encroaching on their share of the marketplace. Idiot. They go to the Twilight premiere where they meet some women, WHOM THEY REPRESENT (this is totally the new WHO IS DEAD, isn't it?) and where Taylor Lautner gives his very best "I heartily endorse this musical act and/or product" down the camera. Meanwhile, RPattz indicates that he enjoys The X Factor about as much as he enjoys films about sparkly vampires. Oh, RPattz. NEVER CHANGE ♥. Tulisa complains that last week Gary called BixMix predictable, so this week she's going to prove their and her skill for spontaneity by doing an En Vogue song, which I'm sure had absolutely nothing to do with Kelly making a comment relating them to En Vogue last week. REPRESENTING UNPREDICTABILITY EVERYWHERE!

They're doing 'Don't Let Go (Love)', which is an AMAZING song, so points for that, at least. That's about all the credit I'm giving them though, because this performance is such a fucking liberty that it's actually embarrassing. The chorus is done almost entirely by a pre-recorded backing track, incredibly obviously so (particularly since on the rare occasion that you can hear an actual live BixMix vocal during it, it's because someone's gone out of tune), to the point where I consider submitting a case under the Trades Descriptions Act, because there is nothing Little whatsoever about the amount of Mix being deployed in this performance. To demonstrate how the confident, full-sounding vocal was clearly not spontaneously produced, all of the individual, live vocals during the verse are thin, reedy and kind of pathetic. Still, this sort of shit got Wand Erection to third place last year, so I'm kind of resigned to BixMix being in the final this year. I'm thinking Jesy is the Phoebe of the outfit, since she's the only one capable of producing anything that sounds even vaguely accomplished when required to sing solo. [I thought it was OK, as far as Wand Erection memorial backing singer-laden performances go. But they get no points from me because they didn't have nice day-glo lighting this week - Rad]

Auto-Louis: you have grown so much, you're the next great girlband, I loved everything about it. Kelly says that they did everything she wanted to do, "y'all look so much polished". She thinks they could be the best girl group to come out of the UK. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *wipes tear* Borelow thinks it was their (/the sound engineer's) best performance to date, but he still has a request - he wants them to do something stripped back. Y'know, something really fucking boring. Tulisa pauses, lets out a giant belch, wipes the drool from her lips with the back of her arm, and tells BixMix that she is VERY PROUD OF THEM, NO REALLY I LOVE YOU, YOU'RE MY BESSSSSSHHHH MATESHHH. She also insists that they are not safe: "if you're a [BixMix] fan, pick up the phone and vote, they need it!" I think this tweet of mine from last night sums up my feelings on this matter fairly succinctly.

Derwood asks BixMix if it's their best performance. Perrie says that they enjoyed it, and hopefully showed a different side to themselves. Judging by the styling tonight, I think that side is "the cast of Pretty Little Liars dressed as zombies for Hallowe'en".

Final ad break of the evening. Woo-hoo! Also, Jimmy Choo are doing perfumes now. I wonder if they smell like feet.

Back in the studio, it's time for the last performance of the night: Marcus, with a song from Ghostbusters. I can tell you now, he's got his work cut out if he wants to top this. Last week, he enjoyed himself on stage (FILTH!) but got "mixed comments" from the judges, because Tulisa called him predictable. Imagine that! Borelow complains that they're criticising Marcus for who he wants to be and making him feel unsure of himself. This week, Marcus got to meet Single Mother Goose, because she's got an album coming out. He tells her that he's been trying to find his niche in the show, and he knows that she remained the same throughout the competition. Yes: shit, boring, noodley, and leaving scientists scrambling to invent a scale on which to measure negative levels of stage presence. HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK, Single Mother Goose advises him. This makes Marcus feel a lot better. Borelow hints that they're changing things up a bit this week, but it'll still be Marcus doing what Marcus does.

He's singing '(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher' (which, incidentally, is from Ghostbusters 2, not Ghostbusters), which is his second Jackie Wilson song in the space of three weeks. Someone needs to explain to Marcus (and Gary) the difference between "settling into a genre that suits you" and "establishing yourself as a tribute act". He's got a gospel choir behind him, presumably because the show wanted to save money by using them for something else beyond pre-recording the vocals for BixMix this week, but aside from that it's all fairly standard. I can't believe how quickly I went from quite liking Marcus to finding him pretty dull. [Me too. Poor Marcus - Rad]

Borelow gets to his feet and tries to rally the audience into a standing ovation. It doesn't happen. Auto-Louis: you're definitely a star, I love your energy, I have no criticism for you. Tulisa fumbles in her bag for her phone, tapping randomly at it in the hope of somehow getting through to a cab company, and tells Marcus that he understood the theme this week (well, that makes one of us) and he's back on top. Kelly says that Marcus has shut the building down. If only. She feels like she's levitating, because Tulisa is now so wasted that even the air around her is 30% proof. Either that, or she quite enjoyed Marcus this evening. Borelow calls it the "preformance" (a work colleague of mine pointed out earlier in the week that he always says it wrong - I hadn't noticed before, but now I know about it, it's super-irritating) of the night, and no other contestant has improved the way he has. Apart from all the other contestants who they keep saying have improved.

Derwood asks if he's "the only one who's not a little bit disappointed that wasn't the theme from Ghostbusters", which I take to mean he didn't want that to happen. Sort your double negatives out, Derwood. He asks Marcus how he's feeling, and Marcus is very happy to have good comments, adding that Single Mother Goose helped to confirm who he is as an artist and now he's got his confidence back.

That's it - hooray! Derwood declares the public vote officially open, and reminds us of all the numbers. Recap time: Biscuit having a licence to bore, Janet asking us to kiss her beneath her milky twilight, Amelia telling us to think in a "do as I say, not as I do" moment, Misha having nothing, The Backing Track (featuring BixMix), and Marcus's voice getting higher and higher.

Derwood promises that Single Mother Goose will be back on the show to honk at us while not moving even a tiny fraction tomorrow night, and also Rihanna will be here. Also, someone's going home, but who? The bookies seem to think Biscuit, interestingly enough, but I suspect Misha is more likely. We'll find out soon...

Literally Gaga

2011-11-16T12:16:00.003Z

Week 6 Results – 13 November 2011

Hello and welcome to the recap of what on paper sounds like it should be one of the best X Factor results shows EVER, as long as you exclude several of the contestants and One Direction from the running order.

Dermot does that irritating walking introduction thing. Suitwatch – Blue two piece, brown tie, ill fitting as is the norm. He tells us that last night we voted in Amelia Lily, who is standing in a line up with the other contestants, to show that she’s joining the competition with them. He tells us who the contestants are, because not only does last night’s show need recapping, we need reminding who the contestants are. The contestants have obviously been told to face forward staring straight ahead and their order of line up after Amelia Lily is: Misha B, Janet, Marcus, Biscuit, Kitty and BixMix. Tonight, one of them will leave the competition for good and definitely won’t be returning in some kind of hastily cobbled together phone vote.

Last night! Kitty and the horsedancers! Biscuit on a podium! Marcus throwing glitter! Misha doing a tap dance! The birth of HumbleMisha, Funsponge trying to Bus BixMix and Janet, Funsponge giving sideeye to Louis, Kelly getting all up in Funsponge’s face and the return of Amelia Lily.

The acts are counted down AGAIN, which seems a bit unnecessary, and this week’s maths lesson is seven minus one is six. But before all that, we have Wand Erection and the BIGGEST POPSTAR IN THE WORLD, Lady Gaga. We see a clip of Gaga singing Poker Face and I can’t help thinking a trick has been missed by nobody Balliding that last night [I'm glad. I hate it when Gaga herself ballids it without this lot starting - Rad].

Tulisa bellows “All hell is breaking loose” at the camera backstage and it’s time to face the music! Funsponge isn’t scared that Kelly has three acts and Kelly does the Three Acts Dance.

Dermot comes bounding in, clapping himself and he welcomes us to the results show, which all seems rather unnecessary as he’s already told us and the voiceover man has. He tells us it’s going to be an exciting night because Wand Erection are here for the first time since last year’s final and we all need to get our earplugs. Unusual insight into the quality of the musical acts there, Dermot. Lady Gaga apparently has a huge exclusive for us too. Exciting! Dermot wonders how we are going to follow that. He tells us that they can with the result. I’ll believe it when I see it. Dermot explains how it all works again.

Dermot then introduces the judges by telling us that they have endured “Heartbreak, illness, fall ins and fall outs, replacements and very, very bad impressions.”. What’s a fall in, Dermot?

The judges arrive. Again, only Tulisa and Louis are holding hands. Funsponge begs for some applause as usual. Louis Walsh is in a plain black suit. Tulisa is wearing a long sleeved, sequinned dress that can only be described as a monstrosity so we are spared her silly salute. Kelly is in a black, high necked chiffon blouse that makes her look a little bit like she’s inside one of those bags you get wedding favours in and Funsponge is wearing a tartan suit with a spotty hankie in the pocket. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do edgy, Funsponge. He grubs for more cheers and gets them. Don’t encourage him, X Factor Audience.

More maths. We know, Dermot. There are seven acts left and if you take one away there will be six and we know that we have to vote. Don’t text! Dermot can’t keep his gigantic feet still as he reads out the numbers and I get the feeling that this is something that can’t be unnoticed.

Now, singing as if their lives depended on it, which it apparently does, is the X Factor finalists! If I knew they were going to die if they got chucked out I’d possibly have voted a bit more. Oh well! Group song! It’s Walking on Sunshine, which is given an Urban Twist purely by virtue of the fact that BixMix say “One, two, three, let’s go!” before it starts. [I'm surprised they didn't do the Gamu version. I thought that was the only version that this show recognises any more. - Steve]

BixMix, Kitty and Marcus are on boxes, with Janet and Biscuit up front. I can’t see Amelia Lily or Misha B, but I’m sure they’re somewhere. It starts out as a duet between Janet and Biscuit, which surely would open up some kind of gateway to Dull Hell? It doesn’t though, because soon Kitty and Marcus take over and it gets a bit awesome and significantly less autotuned. Misha B and Amelia Lily appear from nowhere and take over. BixMix do the chorus. Amelle BixMix and Zool BixMix get the lion’s share of the chorus, but Jesy’s singing face gets a fair amount of screen time. The camera then remembers other BixMix as they all sing together for the final chorus. They all hold their final poses for a couple of seconds longer than necessary. They’re all smiling bar Janet who for some reason looks mightily pissed. Maybe someone stepped on her foot? [Or it could just be the giant number 57 bus they've been chasing her down with the last three weeks - Rad]

Recap of last night with additional comment section. Kitty tells us backstage without blinking that she wants to be on the stage for the rest of her life. Funsponge grudgingly admits she was good and she never disappoints. Biscuit tells us he couldn’t be happier with his performance and Funsponge tells us that he always delivers and never lets him down. Bixmix all talk at once, but Other Bixmix says that they’re just having fun, whilst Amelle BixMix checks her eye makeup in the camera. We see Tulisa rightly tell Funsponge backstage that it’s ok for Biscuit to do a ballid every week apart from club week. Funsponge tells her that BixMix can do a ballad any week she wants. Tulisa tells him that he’ll see this week. Funsponge says that she’s listening to him now so Tulisa tells him to have fun with his ego in his dressing room, whilst Louis looks on and does the most perfect “Ooh!” face ever. Brilliant. Janet tells us backstage that she got mixed feedback, but she enjoyed it. Kelly doesn’t know what happened because she felt that it was just an alright performance. Funsponge says he felt himself nodding off during it. [Like hell you did, Funsponge. You adore boring shit and, I can't believe I'm sticking up for Janet here, but you all said get out of your box, so she did, then you told her to get back in it, which she did - the girl can't do anything right by you. This does not mean I've started liking Janet, but at least be consistent, judges - Rad]

We see Louis telling Marcus that he was brilliant backstage and that he’s a postman because he delivers every single week. I’m sure Louis Walsh is going to patent the Louis Walsh Drinking Game and make his fortune. [Also, I know Royal Mail aren't quite as efficient as they used to be, but if Louis's postman only delivers once a week, that might be an issue he should raise with their customer service team. - Steve] HumbleMisha lifts up her shoulders and cocks her head and tells us how much she loved being back on that stage performing and having the chance to perform in front of millions. Funsponge says that Misha B is good, but his boys are better. YAWN. Finally, Amelia Lily says it’s unbelievable to be back. Funsponge thinks she’s come back fresh and smashed it tonight.

We have to wait for the results, because now it’s time for Wand Erection! We are forced to endure their X Factor journey again, complete with “ZOMG we’re in the final” platitudes. “NUMBER ONE DEBUT SINGLE” is up for a second longer than it has to be, presumably because that’s their only achievement. Oh no, they’re “FASTEST SELLING SINGLE OF THE YEAR” too and just so they’re not left feeling inferior, they get a “TONIGHT THEY’RE BACK” too. I don’t think “on the stage” counts as an achievement for an act, but the poor lads need to take whatever they can get. As they arrive on stage, I’m momentarily confused, because the Curly haired, clean Kyle Falconer one has straighter hair than normal, and the straight haired angry one is sporting a look that can only be described as “scrunched”. Jailbait Erection looks bewildered and his ear monitors make his ears stick out. Zayn Erection manages to miss every single note, even though the law of averages state that he must hit at least one by accident [Aww, gawdbless the Zaynwreck - Rad]. I don’t know why tiny Nicholas Hoult Erection is there. They can’t even clap in time, and every stage trick in the book is used to cover the fact that they can’t hit the high notes, including fireworks, lasers, smoke, confetti and booms.

Meanwhile, at the disingenuous table, the judges give them a standing ovation. Dermot arrives back on stage and notes the hair swapping. He tells them that it’s great to have them back and asks them how they’re feeling, like he’s Dave Berry or something. NoLongerCurly Erection says that it feels like home to be back on the stage and with the crew. Dermot asks them who they like and Tiny Nicholas Hoult Erection says BixMix. Dermot replies to this with something unintelligible about Tulisa. He quickly adds that the single and album are out next week.

The stage is covered in red confetti, so Dermot goes over to a clean corner for everyone’s favourite section. Yes, it’s the awkward satellite linkup from ten feet away! Amelia Lily gets probed first. Dermot congratulates her on her return. She feels incredible and she’s so grateful for being voted in that she doesn’t want to go home again so keep voting. Janet is still sadfacing behind her. Chin up, Janet! Kitty next! Dermot remarks that it’s a big night for her because Gaga is here. He asks her how excited she is on a scale of one to ten. Kitty ignores the question and goes on about how emotional it all is for her because she’s inspired her to be who she is, whilst Amelia makes a face behind her. Dermot asks Misha if she thinks she’s done enough this week. She can only hope she’s done enough and begs everyone to pick up the phone. Dermot then asks Janet how she felt about her performance. She says she liked it when she was doing it but she watched it back and she didn’t like it any more. See people, she even bores herself. This makes Marcus laugh and I like him a bit more. She witters something about an adrenaline rush, then it’s over to Marcus. Marcus gets a massive scream as Dermot tells him he’s found his niche and asks if he’s happy with his performance. Of course he is, and he promises us another big one if he’s kept in. This makes Biscuit, and me, giggle. Dermot remarks on Biscuit’s good feedback and asks if he’s confident. He says he’s proud of his performance but is DEFINITLEY NOT CONFIDENT. Have we got that? Finally, BixMix. Dermot remarks that they’re Wand Erection’s favourite. Amelle BixMix says that this is “fine” and that they’re a bit nervous, but they can see where Funsponge is coming from, but they just want to have fun, because they’re girls that wanna have fun and REPRESENT WIMMINS EVERYWHERE.

Dermot tries to inject some excitement by announcing a five minute warning, and promises us that Gaga will be here soon. Adverts!

Dermot welcomes us back by the judges table. The lines are closed now so it’s time to chat to the judges. Dermot observes that the tables have turned for Kelly and Funsponge, because one had two acts an now has three, and vice versa. This is why they keep Dermot, sparkling observations like this. Funsponge says that he’s not talking to Kelly and is now enjoying Louis’ company. Kelly turns her chair away from Funsponge and says that she’s turned her chair away from him. Dermot observes that anyone enjoying Louis’ company is a shocker, when everyone now knows that Louis is by far the best thing in the whole shambles these days. Dermot points out to Louis and Tulisa that they both only have one act left and they could be out tonight. Tulisa hopes the fans of BixMix vote. Louis says that Kitty was brilliant but he’s worried he could lose her.

It’s Gaga time! According to Dermot she’s flamboyant and unique, and just happens to be one of the biggest popstars of all time. No, Dermot, she’s one of the biggest popstars of all time BECAUSE she’s flamboyant and unique. She’s doing an exclusive of her new signal.

As if to mock Wand Erection’s paltry accomplishments, the bragging screens for Gaga are “100 MILLION SINGLES SOLD”, “3 BRIT AWARDS”, “5 GRAMMY AWARDS” and “MOST DOWNLOADED ARTIST IN HISTORY”. [I still maintain they should have said things like "AMAZING", "FLAWLESS" and "HATERS TO THE LEFT". - Steve]

Gaga is singing to us from a confession box, which is exciting for us because the camera can zoom into it, but I can’t imagine it’s all that fun for the studio audience. The curtain is opened and Gaga is singing in a costume which makes her look like giant carrying her own head. Her face looks a bit uncomfortable but the overriding feeling I have is that the whole thing just makes the contestants look like what they are – substandard trainee popstars. Seriously, it’s like the difference between a Rankin portrait and someone’s self taken MySpace emo profile picture. Gaga gets back in the box and takes off her costume. When she comes back out she’s forgotten her trousers and does the rest of the performance singing live and throwing herself around in a way probably not ever seen on this competition before.

She holds her final pause for way too long. Even when Dermot is standing beside her, grinning and clapping. Dermot says hello and asks her how she is. She makes a noise at him, then says “HI KELLY” and waves at someone who’s obviously a lot more interesting than him <3. Dermot reminds her that she’s sold seven million copies of her new album and she says thank you to the audience. I hope she manages to do this interview without talking to Dermot. Dermot asks if she’s heard of Kitty. Gaga does talk to Dermot this time and says that she saw her backstage and gave her a hug, but she gave everyone a hug. Dermot tells Gaga that her performance will give Kitty lots of ideas. Gaga hopes so. Dermot then asks if she’s touring again. Gaga replies that she will be touring next year and she’s just finished designing the stage and she’s so happy, and can’t wait to see the entire GBP there. Gaga blows us a kiss and leaves. Results after the break!

Adverts – Dear the O2, stop trying to make Coldplay interesting. It doesn’t work.

Back in the studio, Dermot welcomes the judges and the contestants back on to the stage. Janet still looks like someone peed on her fags. BixMix look absolutely terrified.

Results! In no particular order apart from the one that it’s read out in. Biscuit is safe, Louis looks pleased for him. Janet is next. Louis looks shocked. Marcus next through and Funsponge is ungracious again. The camera cuts to Kitty and she says “It’s alright” to Louis and looks resigned. Next through is Amelia Lily. She hugs Misha as Tulisa calms BixMix. Last through is BixMix. They all scream.

Both Misha and Kitty look unsurprised and heartbreakingly resigned. Dermot asks them what they are going to sing. Misha replies she will be doing ‘You Are’ by Jesse J and Kitty says she’s happy to be there. Dermot persists with the song question. It’s ‘Over the Rainbow’. Oh Kitty.

More adverts! That, ladies and gentlemen, is what consists a segment of television these days.

Dermot is moving his feet too much again as he recaps what happened five minutes ago. Kitty is first. Louis introduces her, red eyed, and says she’s going to sing her heart out. He looks as resigned as Kitty. Someone in the audience shouts that they love her. Kitty looks really stripped down for this, presumably on Funsponge’s advice. She misses a couple of the notes as she starts off quiet. I keep wanting her to start belting but every time you think it’s going to, it doesn’t. All the judges do their ‘Feeling stuff’ faces apart from Funsponge.

Misha B now, Kelly says she wants this more than anything. JUST SO LONG AS SHE DOESN’T THINK SHE DESERVES IT, EH, X FACTOR?! She sings the Jesse J song that’s not about price tags or DOING IT LIKE A MANDEM. I know that we are Team Kitty round these parts, but based on voice alone Misha B blows her out of the water. The song seems to be about loving yourself and I believe her, even when she’s singing about being true to who she is, when the competition seems hell bent on destroying that for her.

So who’s going home? The crowd are chanting for Misha. Louis remarks that both performances were amazing from two amazing girl singers, and they both killed it, but he’s going to save his own act. Tulisa thinks they are both amazingly talented and that was one of the most dramatic showdowns ever and they are both on a par in different styles, but she can relate to one of them as a musician and would buy their album, so she’s sending home Kitty. Kelly believes in Misha and she needs everyone’s votes, and she knows Kitty is a big talent but she believes in Misha so she’s sending Kitty home. Funsponge next. He remarks on how amazing the sing off was and remarks that they both want this the most. Funsponge has always been a fan of Kitty, but she seems to be missing a connection to the audience (trans. Nobody’s voting for you). With Misha, she’s the only one that would be immediately signed by a record label, so he’s sending home Kitty. Misha B looks shocked and staggers off stage

Dermot pulls Kitty into the middle of the stage, gives her a hug and tells her it’s been a hell of a ride. We see Kitty’s best bits, which are, for once, all amazing. Not a bad performance or a dull moment in there. We’ll miss you, Kitty.

Dermot asks Louis what we will do without her, and an entire nation shouts “FALL ASLEEP”. Louis says that Kitty is the best person he’s ever mentored and she loves music and performing and he hopes she gets signed. Dermot then says to Kitty that the competition has lost a big voice and a big personality and asks her what she’s got to say. Kitty snatches the microphone off of him and says she’s got something to share with the audience. Oh my. This is going to be BRILLIANT. She looks at Dermot and Louis and says that this is the last thing she wants to do. My mind whirrs with the possibilities. I hope it involves revealing a big secret, calling out Funsponge or she’s going to threaten to do something that will cause harm to herself or others. It’s not. She sings the chorus of Born This Way. Dermot’s face is a picture. He’s biting his bottom lip and rolling his eyes, presumably against the barrage of producers in his ear screaming at him to get the microphone back. Louis, because he’s brilliant, LOVES IT, and laughs and claps. [It reminded me of Seamus doing 'I have been promised a show of my own' at the end of the Joseph sing-out. But I would have LOVED her to spill some secrets. That would have been EPIC - Rad] [Seriously. She should've just spilled EVERYTHING, that would have been the best thing since "you know what? Sod it." - Steve]

Dermot snatches the microphone out of Kitty’s hands then practically shoves her and Louis offstage. He didn’t know where she was going with that. Neither did we, which probably made it the second best moment on the X Factor this series, after Saturday’s blank screen moment.

Next week! Six become five and Rebecca Jazznoodle and Rihanna will be performing. One of these will be good [I doubt it. I love Rihanna's records but I have yet to be convinced she can 'do' live - Rad]. Dermot plugs I’m a Celeb, the voiceover man plugs the X Factor tour and it’s all over for another weekend. Join Steve next week to find out how all that pans out.

All of your fanbase are belong to us

2011-11-13T18:36:00.006Z

Week 6 Live shows: 12 November 2011

Hello and welcome to what has been a jubilant week here at the Bitch Factor, despite being VERY UPSET [/SARCASM] that MrsWatermelon on Digital Spy thinks we are both unfunny and badly written. Through all of this, we were very, very pleased to hear of the golden rulebreaking of ArseTAT and to find that he was indeed out on his inked backside has caused us no end of glee. So this week has got to be good, right? RIGHT?

Oh come on, this is the X Factor.

We begin with a shot of BixMIX standing on four boxes, stood in front of one person. Then the screen goes blank. Then the screen went black and we cut to Goldie. This caused the internet to zing with several wild conspiracy theories. Here are mine.

ArseTAT gave the studio and everyone in it some of his special love germs and everyone in the studio was waiting for their antibiotics to kick in.
ArseTAT had returned on the rampage because he’d awoken from his shagging and Spumante coma with a modicum of self awareness and realised he was a ratings puppet.
The police were searching Johnny Robinson’s house for Gary.
The studio collapsed under the weight of awesome caused by the presence of Stacey Duomon.
Brave JonJO was holding on to Louis’ legs and weeping.
Louis had an actual strop and refused to go on.
Tulisa couldn’t read her tattoo properly.
Dermot finally realised what he’s done.
Dermot called someone buddy and irony broke.
Kate Thornton came back, BITCHES.
Gary’s Temazepam wore off and they were chasing him around the studio with a giant net.
Robbie decided that he wanted to be a judge and they couldn’t remove him from Gary’s seat.
Kelly was talking to her Sister Beyonce because she was upset at becoming Mr Z’s 100^th problem.
Daddy Simon wasn’t finished giving everyone a telling off and Britain could damn well wait for their Saturday night to begin.

And finally, and most unlikely

Actual power cut.

What constituted the beginning of the programme was a hastily cobbled together collection of clips interspersed with the X, which actually managed to show nearly all the auditions that were shown in the first six weeks of the show. It had an air of the Everything’s Alright sketch from The Day Today, or that bit in Gremlins two about the end of the world. One could only imagine the terror and actual rolling of heads that was going on behind the scenes. There was even a “normal programming will resume as soon as possible” screen. Oh my.

I miss Goldie. I liked it when she put her leg round Funsponge’s neck. Oh look, its little sixteen year old Janet Devlin. We’re reminded that Johnny Robinson can actually sing. We laugh again as the Duo’s compare themselves to JayZ and Beyonce. We see David Wilder smash it again, Michael Lewis being mad, we see Jade FromFife being AWESOME again, and her awesome crying Nan. We see CruiseSHIP again and I wonder how on earth she got through. Next up we get to mock Margaret Sinclair and her husband again. Oh how the judges laughed!

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ITV1 apologises for the technical problems [no need to apologise, ITV1, it was the most fun I've had in WEEKS - Steve], and then we’re over to the studio.

But we got there in the end. We start proper a mere fifteen minutes late and after the first ad break [I love that they actively prevented us from watching what we'd tuned in to see for quarter of an hour and still made us sit through an ad break. It's like they took the business model of ITV Player and applied it to the broadcast channels. - Steve]. It seems that we’re getting the whole thing, recaps and all, because we begin with Louis getting all high pitched over Misha B, Funsponge telling Marcus that he’d pulled off the performance of the ‘season’, Kelly getting all excited about Biscuit coming out of his tin, Funsponge, yes FUNSPONGE, telling Kitty that she can’t dance and Tulisa throwing Johnny under a bus.

Voiceover man tells us that there were fireWORKS last week and we see my new hero Louis gloriously pwn ArseTAT and speak up for the entire nation by telling him he was shit. We see Gary and Louis bicker like me and my little brother and the SugaBLOKES going home. We also say goodbye to Johnny Robinson again. Good luck Johnny, I for one was glad to see someone on the show that enjoyed themselves so much. We’re reminded about what nine minus two is, but wait! There’s another exit. A DRAMATIC one, and seven became six.

We see ArseTAT pretending to be contrite and telling the others that he doesn’t deserve to be here any more ["any more"? - Steve] and he’s going to miss them all. Cue best shocked face EVER from Jesy BixMIX. I hope we get to see more of that later. The ArseTAT shaped hole is going to be filled with one of the rejects from week one. Jonjo thinks it’s a big chance. No shit! Stacey Duomon are “so emosh”, James Michael’s curly little mind is blown and Amelia Lily is wearing a bow tie, that’s the most important thing here, but she can’t believe she’s been given another chance.

Quick recap of who’s got who now. Tulisa’s got one group left, BixMIX. Louis hopes are all on Kitty BRUCKNELL. Kelly still has Misha B and Janet DEVLIN and Funsponge finally loses one, but has Craig BISCUIT and Marcus DRAWN ON MUSTACHE. Funsponge shows his excellent deduction skills by noting that one judge could be out this weekend, but it’s not going to be him. Well done, Funsponge, you can add up. The nation is very proud of you.

It’s time to face the music! Tulisa knows its crunch time, Louis is coming out fighting, Kelly tells us that it’s Gaga vs. Queen Week and she knows her girls have it in the bag.

Overly long titles? CHECK.

Dermot walks on stage to a remix of Paparazzi. He’s got two dancing girls with him and does what is quite possibly the most irritating dance known to man. Suitwatch – Brownish three piece, maroon tie, pink hankie, poppy. It clashes so much it’s technically percussion. Dermot apologises for the late start, blaming technical issues beyond the X Factor machine’s control, but he lets us start our Saturday night right now. [I would have loved to see Uncle Simon's face when he found out about this. I would pay actual money for the privilege. - Steve]

Dermot reminds us that it’s been quite a week and “Just when you thought it couldn’t get more dramatic, it got more dramatic”. Wow, that’s profound, Dermot. It’s as if Shakespeare wrote that script. He tells us again that ArseTAT is out because that’s always worth hearing. He tells us that one of the acts ditched in the first week will be put in. One of the acts who have never faced the public vote, he is at great pains to remind us. They wave from backstage. We can still vote for them and at least 25p from each call will go to Help the Heroes and the Poppy appeal. [Or you could just give 25p directly to the charities in question and not support this utter nonsense. Just a thought. - Steve]

He then introduces the judges as four people who can’t believe the week they’ve had. Like every other person watching in Great Britain, I am scanning their faces for signs of something wrong. The only two holding hands are Louis and Tulisa. Louis is looking a bit red eyed and is ringing the changes by not wearing a tie. Tulisa does her stupid arm salute and is wearing a dress that looks not unlike two sweetie wrappers stapled together. Kelly has come as equestrian Barbie and does a little dance to We Will Rock You. Funsponge is wearing a tartan tie and does his little nod that irritates me further every time I see it.

Dermot tells us that the theme this week is Lady Gaga versus Queen. Who comes up with these themes? It’s just ridiculous. Each probably have enough songs to go round and they don’t even really go together. I give up trying to make sense of the themes...Now. It’s easier just to go with it, otherwise you end up with a head filled with rage and confusion and it’s an even harder job to watch than usual. DO WHAT YOU LIKE, X FACTOR. I WASH MY HANDS OF YOU. I’m not angry, just disappointed. Dermot tries to convince us that it’s a proper theme by telling us that they’re both era defining, stadium filling artists. So are Tina Turner and Linkin Park, but you wouldn’t have Tina Turner vs. Linkin Park week, would you? [Although, that would be AMAZING. - Steve] Sorry, I said I’d give up trying to make sense of this. I’m done.

The judges are invited to tell us about their week. Dermot asks Funsponge what he thinks about someone coming back. Funsponge thinks it’s nice of him to give the other judges a chance to get back into the competition tonight. Fuck off, Funsponge. Kelly gives him a “face”. Dermot asks them all who they think is coming back tonight. Kelly and Tulisa have a shout off for Amelia and Two Shoes respectively. Louis gleefully says that he thinks Amelia will be back tonight. I love that he doesn’t even care about Jonjo’s feelings, let alone Jonjo [but! I thought of a new name for him now! Jonjo NO1KERR! Eyethangyew - Rad]. Funsponge, knowing full well that James MICHAEL has less of a chance than the other three put together, wisely decides to stay quiet. For once. [I don't know if they'll release the vote totals for this one, but it wouldn't surprise me if James Michael was second. He's sufficiently boring for it to be an entirely valid prospect. - Steve]

Dermot gives us the numbers again for the returnees and tells us that they will be performing tonight. Before we begin the show, though, it’s the bit we’ve all been waiting for. The death of ArseTAT. We are treated to a montage of all the news reports of his exit, which I know is going to make me happier than any of the performances we are going to see tonight.

Let me set the scene. It’s the X Factor house, Tuesday night. ArseTAT, wearing a hoodie, skinny chinos and gymshoes and accompanied by a burly man greets his expectant fellow competitors with a “bonjour”. [Cunt. - Steve] He tells them that he’s decided to leave. Shots of him hugging his housemates are interspersed with no doubt the same speech he gave them, but this time delivered directly to the camera. “My behaviour offstage spiralled a bit out of control”. This moves into voiceover of the speech over film of him leaving the house with his suitcase. “I feel like I don’t deserve to be here anymore. I’m really sorry to all the people that voted for me and supported me. I really feel like I’ve let Gary down but I’m just so grateful he believed in me and gave me this amazing opportunity and I’ll never forget it.” He then gets into a taxi and is OFF OUR SCREENS.

A little note to the producers though – If you are going to give someone a script and make them read it, it may be a good idea to at least try to make it sound vaguely like it might be something they would say? Just a thought. [I loved how much he did not give a fuck. Way to blossom after the relevant moment, ArseTAT - Rad]

We see images from Thursday’s press conference where it was announced that one of the acts that got booted out in week one would be given another chance because ~~there’s no chance of Ofcom getting their knickers in a twist because they were never voted off by the public~~ the judges really believed in them and they never got a chance. Louis hopes the public will pick the right act. Each gets their mini montage of their journey up until their first week ditching. We’ve seen it all before, but Amelia Lilly’s Katy WHO?! Performance is always worth seeing again. I do find myself wondering how James Michael got through in the first place. Jonjo sees his second chance as a lifeline. We’ll see.

Dermot nicks my line and tells us it’s time to get to business. He introduces Louis as the judge who is “literally loving” the theme tonight. Oh Dermot, don’t come over all Brucie on us. He continues that Louis is “Literally Gaga”, who in turn introduces Kitty. We see Kitty sing Beautiful Disaster without irony again. She interviews that she was disappointed to be in the sing off last week and puts this down to not having the same fan base as the others. She tells us that she’s from Cheltenham and her family have started “Operation Kitty” which sadly does not involve sacks and bricks, merely her slightly bemused dad ~~being forced~~ volunteering to walk around the city centre wearing a sandwich board with ‘Vote Kitty’ on it getting people to vote for her. Kitty is so excited that its Gaga week and can think of no better week to ‘bring it’ and that it’s almost like the week was made for her. In a week full of press speculation that Louis is about to spit the dummy, that might just be the case, Kitty. She’s been waiting for Gaga week and she tells us again that she’s excited. Then Louis comes on all sadfaced and tells us that Kitty won’t be able to sing her Gaga song because Misha B has stolen the song that she wanted. We see Kitty crying that she won’t get to sing Born This Way. In a NOT AT ALL SCRIPTED segment, we see Kitty ask Louis what meanie stopped her from singing the song that she was supposed to sing. Louis goes right ahead and rats out Kelly Rowland, saying that they take it in turns to get priority over the songs, but she’s going to be singing Queen. Has nobody told Louis there are other Gaga songs? [I would have thought Bad Romance would be perfect for Kitty, but what do I know? - Rad] She seems to take it well. EVERYONE SEE HOW REASONABLE KITTY IS NOW? Good. [I can't believe everyone was fighting over 'Born This Way' when it's one of the worst Gaga singles. Also, I'm getting a serious déjà vu, and that one was initiated by Louis as well, the little shit-stirrer. - Steve]

Kitty is standing in a Gladiator Carriage and she has control over some dancers dressed as horses. She has the obligatory makeup covering the areas beside her eyes. It’s basically just an extended audition for her inevitable role in We Will Rock You. She does a good job, because she’s Kitty, duh, but the staging and being forced to sing “Missus Fahrenheit” gives the whole thing an air of ridiculousness. The crowd love it though. Judging! Tulisa knows she’s upset that she didn’t get her song, but Kitty needs to know how much that song suited her to a T. I wasn’t aware that there was a sliding scale of things suiting you completely. Tulisa reinventing the English language again there. It was Diva-ish, energetic and camp. Yep, that’s Kitty. Kelly thinks it was a fun performance, but she was thinking that there was one more something to do, then begins to speak in tongues. Funsponge remarks that it’s not easy to be in the bottom two twice, but she’s come out fighting and it was a really good performance. Funsponge also remarks that Louis always picks a good song, but then stealth bitches that if she’s lucky enough to be here next week, then she should try to make a connection with the audience by taking off the makeup and showing how pretty she is and stripping things down a bit, because the less she does, the more people will feel. And people like to call Louis the bitch on the show. That was some stupendous bitching there, Funsponge. Louis continues by saying she’s the best person ever to mentor and he hopes people will pick up the phone and give her another chance. He doesn’t want her in the bottom two again. Neither do we! Dermot can’t believe nobody mentioned the horse dancers. Kelly describes them as ‘Nice’. Kitty, who needs her roots done badly, tells us all that her dad goes out on the street OF HIS OWN ACCORD to garner votes for her.

Break! Dermot threatens us with Craig singing Gaga. Oh deary me.

We’re back! Dermot reminds us of the theme and gives out the numbers to vote for the returnees again. He introduces us to Funsponge, who has been in the thick of it this week apparently. Who knew? He tells us to fasten our seatbelts for BISCUIT, because he’s so excited. BISCUIT tells us that last week was his biggest challenge yet but he had more fun in that performance than his previous one. We see Louis tell him he’s like a little Gary Barlow again. Funsponge wants him to focus on the moving and telling people what his record will sound like. We see him emoting into a mirror and worrying that the competition is hotting up. Funsponge thinks that BISCUIT has shown he can sing anything (in the club style, out of the corner of his mouth) but it’s time to show everyone what kind of popstar he is. [Adele, but with a penis. Next question! - Steve] BISCUIT wants to be unique and have his own style. He’s singing Paparazzi this week and he’s glad to have Funsponge to show him the way, who is apparently feeling the competition too. They’re both trying hard and BISCUIT loves it. Let’s see then.

BISCUIT is standing on a sparkly orange box and is wearing a knuckle duster on his right hand. He’s singing Paparazzi in the club style, wearing a black suit and some very ill fitting trousers. He’s looking very trim though. He changes boy to girl and looks as uncomfortable singing it as the entire nation does hearing it. He needs to enunciate though. I amuse myself throughout the rest of the performance by substituting Paparazzi for Garibaldi.

Funsponge is on his feet. Louis loved the song choice and the arrangement. He knows he hasn’t had a good week because of something unintelligible that sounds interesting, he has great stage presence and still reminds him of a little Gary Barlow. So doesn’t remind him of Funsponge that much, then. Tulisa holds her hands up and admits that that was BISCUIT’S best performance ever, because it brought out the same emotions as his first audition. Kelly asks BISCUIT if he realises how great that was. “That’s the great thing about him” Funsponge brags. Shut it Funsponge, Kelly is talking. Kelly loved the way he put his own stamp on it and made it his. Yes Kelly, he made it boring. Funsponge remarks that he’s playing it beautifully, first showcasing his voice, then his versatility [so versatile! He can Adeleify any song you like! Such fun! - Rad]. So, basically recounting your own masterplan there are we? Nobody mentions the clunky gender change and I weep again for the loss of Dannii Minogue.

Dermot tells BISCUIT that he brought out the big guns, even though he had to see the *gasp* DOCTOR this week and had to miss rehearsal . BISCUIT says he’s been on couch all week. Dermot remarks that he probably didn’t mind that. Gay jokes and fat jokes all in one episode Dermot. Go YOU. BISCUIT tells us that he lost his voice in the week and couldn’t do the rehearsals. Kudos to Funsponge for not milking that for all it was worth.

Dermot threatens us with BixMIX doing Gaga with a twist. After the break. I’m half watching this on STV player and half recording so the ads are a bit jumbled for me, so I won’t bother to comment.

Blah blah, someone’s coming back. Tulisa introduces her “little muffins” BixMIX. [What, no REPRESENTING WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE? - Steve] We see their performance from last week over a voiceover telling us that they can’t believe they’re the last group on the X Factor and they’re a girl group who fully expected to be booted out in the first week. We see everyone shocked that the SugaBLOKES were binned last week. BixMIX seem to take this especially hard. One of the Geordie ones says that it was like a rollercoaster, because it’s always funny to hear a Geordie say rollercoaster. Tulisa is going to put all of her energy into the girls and they’re going to work hard not to let her down because they’re doing it for her too. We see them pop over to Tulisa’s who’s cooked them dinner because she’s like a big sister for them and she’s quite frankly got nothing better to do. The girls all worry about eating the curry goat that she’s prepared, but they all enjoyed the meal and the down time. BixMIX say that they work hard every week but they’re going to take it up another notch again. I would try and explain tautology to them but I fear I would kill myself or them before they got it. We see Jesy have a breakdown in sound check because they work too hard. Tulisa’s confident they’re going to pull it off though.

We see BixMix standing on Perspex Boxes Of DOOM (tm). They’re doing a ballided version of Radio Gaga which turns into Telephone by Lady Gaga and Beyonce. One of BixMIX suddenly looks very like Amelle from the Sugababes. Is she still in the Sugababes? I can’t keep up. The Amelle one does the rap. The staging is fun, but the Neon Vs Metallic outfit choices are questionable, and what is it with the makeup on the side of people’s heads? I understand we have to hide Kitty’s Botox disasters but these are young girls.

The performance over with, Tulisa is on her feet. Louis thinks there’s a gap in the market for a girl band and he likes that they can all sing. He thinks they have a big future. Kelly tells them that they know she loves them, but some of the vocals were a bit shaky at the top but they got into it. Funsponge is disappointed, not in the performance, but that it’s becoming predictable and the song choices too obvious. He’s beginning to associate them with pop-Rn'B songs and thinks perhaps they should try something new. [Translation: "Please do a ballid. I like ballids." Oh, Funsponge. - Steve] It’s more or less exactly what he said to Kitty. Oh Funsponge. You were pretty much the sole writer of three of the best Pop/Rn'B albums of the 1990’s, and look what happened when you tried something different. How about you try S-ing TFU? He thinks Tulisa may be running out of ideas and because he’s such a good mentor and is in the house so much he knows they can sing and perhaps they should be doing something with an acoustic guitar. CAN IT, FUNSPONGE. Kelly backs him up though, and says that their vocals are “a touch away from En-Vogue” and she’s not showcasing this to their best advantage. This statement made me laugh myself virtually into an asthma attack. Tulisa argues back that they’re finding a musical direction, a market and a fanbase. Funsponge then cuts to the chase and asks them if they want to do something different. They all look at each other, bamboozled. He thinks they do, because they don’t answer quickly enough for his liking. The extra blonde one says that they’ve got tricks up their sleeves for later in the competition. Tulisa makes the point that they have done better than any other girlband in the history of the competition [well, only if you use the criterion of not yet being in the bottom two, rather than number of weeks lasted, but see last week's recaps for that - Rad] and makes an angry face. Yeah, in your FACES, Funsponge and Rowland. They have a huge fanbase and she wants the Geordies, High Wycombe and Essex to vote for them.

Dermot remarks that they’ve had trouble earlier but are now happy because they nailed it. I hope this is an allusion to them causing the delay. They’re going to take the judge’s comments on board and they will bring something different next week if they’re still here.

Dermot tells us that it’s getting spicy again. Hardly. Numbers for the returnees again. Yawn.

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And we’re back. It’s worth noting that not one section of this programme is longer than 14 minutes long. We’re back to the girls and Kelly, who Dermot remarks used to think that British people were polite and reserved. It’s Janet.

Oh Janet, for one blissful moment I’d forgotten about you. We see her fluffing her lines last week and Tulisa pointing it out. Funsponge then tells her that she’d lost her identity. So it seems Funsponge has lost his memory from last week as he’s all about everyone not getting stuck doing the same thing this week. Janet had accepted that she was going home last week, but didn’t. We see Kelly wiping away her tear. Kelly wants to take her back to where she started. Janet wants to be herself. We see her rehearsing in a Ramones T Shirt and Kelly wears a gigantic fur and tells us all about how Janet is a sweet little girl from Ireland and how when she’s finished we won’t have a choice about whether to vote for her or not. I know I won’t be, Rowland.

Janet is standing on a box, which seems to be the real theme this week, yelping her way through “Somebody To Love” . It’s unbearably twee. She’s even barefoot. It’s been ballided out of all recognition. She pulls lots of ‘FEELING THINGS’ faces and just when you think it couldn’t get any more saccharine, the violins arrive. The performance goes on for about three years and I can’t help but feel that we could’ve regained some of the lost fifteen minutes here. Louis wipes away a tear and says that it was another captivating performance and that Janet is the most consistent performer. Apart from when she cocked it up last week, right Louis? Louis thinks she’s the person to beat because she has an original voice, she’s a recording star and he can see her in the final. Tulisa congratulates her for going back to what she knows after weeks of telling her to do something different and can see a market and a fanbase for her. What’s with all the fanbase talk this year? Are we doing sponsored words this series? Tulisa’s only issue is that her style is one dimensional and would have to be in a certain mood to listen to her album. Is it ‘Suicidal and in need of tipping over the edge’, Tulisa? Funsponge hates to say it (he loves it) but he’s losing interest in Janet. He knows what a talent she is but tonight’s performance bordered on boring for him. And we all know that when Funsponge thinks something is boring... Louis disagrees. Funsponge thinks that she should treat each performance as a debut of her new single and he doesn’t think she’s putting the correct amount of effort in. He tells ‘Kel’ that he doesn’t know what the answer is, but there definitely needs to be an injection of excitement. Kel tells us that Janet worked hard this week and respects her for going back to her roots. Dermot then says something shockingly sensible about the judges not being happy whether Janet is in her comfort zone or not. Louis is also confused and thinks Janet is amazing. Dermot thinks that she at least deserves kudos for rearranging a well known song. Kelly says that we all fell in love with the simplicity and that’s what she’s showing. Louis ends it all by declaring Janet the Real Deal and accuses Funsponge of being threatened.

Dermot then deigns to let Janet speak. She spouts some crap about finding the middle ground between sad and happy. I find it hard to care. Dermot tells us all that it’s Janet’s birthday and nobody cares.

Back to Funsponge and it’s Marcus! He had lots of fun last week and Gary declared it the performance of the ‘Season’. He’s happy he’s found his identity now. He feels that he might have slipped through the radar a bit earlier on but is happy that people seem to be noticing him now. We are treated again to a montage of his Facebook profile pictures to demonstrate how he’s trying to find his identity. He says he’s found his niche and he’s been inspired by Bruno Mars to dress like Chuck Berry. Good. In the week that Funsponge is banging on about identity, Marcus has found his. Completely coincidentally. Are we clear? Good. Marcus wants to be contemporary and vintage at the same time, mixing old with the new and have a horn section. Fnar. Gary reiterates what Marcus just said. He wants to build on his previous successes.

Marcus sings a version of “Another One Bites The Dust” that sounds like it’s been fed through a Mark Ronson Simulator. He looks sharp though, and he does indeed seem to have found his feet for the first time in the competition. He does a good job as always and I can’t fail to notice that his moustache is real this week [maybe he's doing Movember? - Rad]. Bless him, he’s trying to grow one. I can’t help but feel Marcus may have this in the bag, but wouldn’t be able to bear the smugness of Funsponge if he won.

When it’s over, Funsponge is on his feet. Louis tells him that he always delivers because he has charisma and he’s a class act that lights up the stage. Tulisa loves that he pulled the old school rock and roll vibe out last week, but doing it again has made it predictable and he’s got more variety than that so she wants it changed up next week. Kelly thinks he’s overthinking everything and she wants to see him have more freedom on stage. At least I think that’s what she’s saying, everything seems to be a bit garbled from Kelly tonight. Marcus says he’d work on it. Funsponge disses everything the other judges have said by calling it ‘Tactical critique’ and announces that we are in the presence of a pop star. Dermot asks him what he thought of the tactical critique. He replies that if he needs to look like he’s enjoying himself more then that’s what he’s going to do because he’s loving it. Look at him. Look at his little face. Ain’t he lovely?

Dermot tells us that we’ll have Misha B and the voted in act after the break. At this point, the internet is exploding because STV have announced that it’s Amelia Lily. It also announces that it’s James Michael, but nobody paid any attention to that bit, because we all love a conspiracy. Calm down everyone, they probably wrote every possibility in advance and just put one up a bit early. I suspect they didn’t write one for Jonjo though, not even Louis wants him.

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When we return, Dermot tells twitter to STFU because it was totally a power cut and not any backstage drama, YES? [More's the pity. - Steve] Glad we’ve cleared that up. He tells us that Gaga will be on the show tomorrow. Exciting! He then encourages us to tweet about the X Factor. Wha?

Back to Kelly, she tells us that Misha B is back to tell us why she should be singing her song. Ooh, DRAMA. Misha tells us that singing Proud Mary was one of the best times she’d ever had on stage. Louis tells us she stole the show, she’s back in the race and she’s a serious contender. She’s grateful to be voted back in last week and that she’s got support. We are shown some local news clippings and clips from local radio about how ALL OF MANCHESTER is behind Misha. Misha’s aunt Lilieth tells us that the radio stations are playing her songs and there’s even a banner for her in Asda. She’s also got the support of her local nail shops. HumbleMisha tells us in the voice of an automaton that it means a lot to her that people back home are supporting her, and that she can honestly say that without that, her *points to smile* wouldn’t be there. Oh FFS, STOP RUINING HER, X FACTOR. I preferred her when she was fierce. HumbleMisha tells us that her song touches a special place in her heart. Kelly says she’s back with a bang and she’s going to deliver a killer performance. She’s going to make Manchester proud with her performance.

Born This Way starts out Ballided. Misha is wearing a sparkly blue dress with some awesome shoulder pads with last week’s PVC trousers. Just as we think it’s going to be another Devlin Style Dull fest, the drums kick in, as does a military style dance. It’s simple and it works. They don’t mess with the words either. Misha does a little tap dance. It’s actually brilliant.

Then she ruins it all by turning back into HumbleMisha and finishes by doing a cutsey “Lil old me?” shrug. It ruins it. This show KILLS confident women. Louis looks forward to her performance every week because she always brings something new. She was born to sing and perform. I like how Louis links his critique to the song sometimes. He hopes all of Manchester votes for her and that she reminds him of a little Chaka Khan.

I would like to take a moment out here to bask in the continuing awesomeness of Louis Walsh. I love how he doesn’t care anymore and is just amusing himself by trying to squeeze in all the clichés he possibly can. Good on him, I’m glad someone is having fun here.

Tulisa thinks it was an amazing rendition of the song. Misha now looks like a turtle trying to retract her head, such is her desire to look humble. Tulisa comments on how good the vocal was and how it sounded amazing. Funsponge calls her a class act and makes reference to the fact that he’s such a good mentor and is always in the house by saying that he always sees her with her headphones on, looking at her computer and researching, whilst others are texting and sleeping. He commends her attitude. Kelly thinks Manchester better pick up the phone cos IT’S MISHA B. Dermot makes reference to Louis making another comparison, then asks Misha what it was like to go back to Manchester. Misha tells him that ANY FULE NO that she didn’t actually go home, it was just a film about how much Manchester loves her and what a humble homegirl she is. She says “Please vote” and lifts up her shoulders and just stops short of putting her finger on her chin. Dermot asks her what she thinks of the comments and she is ACTUALLY TWIRLING HER SKIRT ROUND HER FINGER as she says if she’s lucky enough to be here next week she’ll continue to better herself. Dermot makes reference again to how hard she works on her computer on YouTube and she spouts some guff about how you should look to others for inspiration and you can always grow as a person. I HATE WHAT THIS SHOW HAS DONE TO THIS GIRL. THIS HAS GOT TO BE SOME KIND OF HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION. She sways from side to side as Dermot reminds us to vote.

After the break! Who’s through? Competition, Adverts...

Back in the studio, it’s time to be completely unsurprised that Amelia Lilly got through. She’s sixteen! It’s padded out for as much tension as possible. She’s got 48% of the vote and Kelly jumps to her feet and does a very ungracious victory dance. Amelia’s been so emotional backstage and thanks everyone for voting. Dermot remarks that she’s had a mad 48 hours. She agrees. We see her X Factor journey. Yawn. Audition, wanting to be a star since she was a little girl, Miami, Katy WHO?! First live show, being booted off, heart ripped out, blah blah blah. She interviews that she can’t believe she’s got another chance. Kelly says she deserves her place in the competition, she has an amazing voice and she’s there to fight. Makes me wonder why you chucked her off in the first place, eh? Amelia wants this more than ever and is going to prove it. Come on then, show us!

She shows us by singing “The Show Must Go On” standing on (SURPRISE) a box, wearing a leather corset and a see through skirt. She belts it out, with little to no understanding of what the song is about. Nicole Kidman managed it better through coughing up blood on Moulin Rouge. It’s full of grimaces and emotive air grabs. It’s technically good, but ultimately soulless. Some fireworks to go off to inject some excitement. It doesn’t work. I’m bored. NEXT!

The judges seem to be moved though. Louis welcomes her back and doesn’t know where her vocal comes from , even though she’s now seventeen. He wants her to go far in the competition. She kind of already is, isn’t she? She licks her teeth the entire time he’s talking. Tulisa remarks she must be in shock, but is impressed that even without time to hone her craft she’s come in at the same level as the others. This shows she deserves to be here, and she’s happy for her because she knows how much she wants it. Been borrowing Uncle Louis’ big book of clichés have we, Tulisa? Funsponge also looks a bit red eyed and he’s impressed at all she’s achieved in the last 48 hours. Then Funsponge makes it all about him and tells her that he knows from his experience in his hugely successful and lucrative manband career that the GBP love a comeback. Kelly can’t say much beyond Amelia’s name, but remarks that she means SRS, not serious, but SRS BIDNIS. She loves it, and welcomes her freakin’ back.

Dermot asks her where her head is and calls her hun. Oh Dermot, you know that doesn’t work. Amelia is so happy and grateful. He asks her what it’s like to be back on the stage after being cruelly robbed. She can’t say much beyond telling him about her shaky legs and saying AMAZING. He asks Kelly how she’s feeling and she does a HumbleMisha pose and says “bless my cotton socks”, clearly misunderstanding what the phrase is actually used for. She’s so happy and counts off her acts in Funsponge’s face. Love it.

Public vote is open, recap of what we've just seen... You know, the usual. I don't know if we'll ever get an explanation of what happened tonight, but I know I had enormous fun making stuff up. Join me tomorrow to see if anything is clearer. I doubt it will be.

A Risk not worth taking

2011-11-08T10:39:00.006Z

Week 5 Results: 6 November 2011

Last night! There were some useless firework puns! The meaning of the phrase club classics was stretched as far as possible! There was more pointless judge drama! The contemporary relevance of this show was emphasised when the best performances were a 1950s tribute and a cover version of 'You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)' on a record that wasn't even spinning!

Still, tonight two acts will be going. Almost certainly not the two any of us would want, but them's the breaks. Plus, I reckon we're now at the halfway point of live shows, so onwards and upwards, eh?

Dermot suitwatch - looks like it has buttons missing and he's buttoned up the one remaining button in the wrong buttonhole. I wonder if his stylist has bets with Tess Daly's stylist each week about who can dress their host the worst.
Judges' dresswatch: Kelly = white dress, looks like she's about to get married. Tulisa: also white, looks like she's about to get married in Romford. Borelow = black suit and tie, looks like he's about to go to a funeral. Louis = shirty partly open, looks like he's joining Arse TAT in no longer giving a shit about this whole sorry affair.

Dermot reminds us of the voting numbers and 'Kashmir' (or 'Come With Me') plays behind them, which it also did last night. Is this a new 'thing' then?

Oh yay! Group song! It makes me laugh that on po-face Factor in the US, there's been a big scandal about how these group songs are mimed, because the Dorien Gray guy forgot the lyrics last week. Like the autotune hadn't given that away already? Am I the only one who actually likes these group songs? I know they're terrible, but that's part of their charm. [It's especially great because they used to do them on American Idol until Nigel Lythgoe came running back to drag it out of the gutter and insisted that they stop that shit right now, so once again X Factor ends up as Idol's less classy cousin. - Steve]

It's 'Price Tag' [most hilariously inappropriate song choice for this show ever - Steve], and we open with Jesy and the woo woo girls. Johnny's autotuner is taking the pee even more by pitching him as high as possible. ArseTAT is wearing a granny jumper and is still auto-out-of-tune. Impressive. SugaBLOKES get the hilarious line about 'music made us all unite', which is very funny if that was a deliberate joke about their shifting personnel. Kitty's forgotten her trousers again. I'm glad that this lot accept this show is not about the money, money, money, because on the US version, all they keep going on about is wanting to 'win 5 million' - seemingly not understanding the difference between 'a $5 million recording contract' and $5 million in actual money. [Actually, if I understand correctly, the prize for X Factor USA is indeed $5m in actual money. Simon made a big deal about that in the run-up to the launch. - Steve]

Dermot reminds us of last night's performances, now with 1000% MORE BACKSTAGE DRAMA for your Sunday night entertainment. Johnny span right round, but not literally, and Borelow declared him an affront. Johnny says Borelow is in a mood. Borelow's always in a mood, Johnny. Kelly says she likes him although she's not sure she would sign him to a record label. I wasn't aware Kelly was in the business of signing anyone to record labels, but I guess anyone can put something out iTunes and claim they own a record label these days.

Janet suddenly got chucked under a bus and looks a bit befuddled offstage. Tulisa says she needs to get back in her box. Tulisa commends Craig for then getting out of his box, except only a little bit. The Risk were boring as all hell and Borelow told them they would only ever be Charlie and the Woo Woo Boys. Marcus was amazing in his audition for Hairspray, which is really what he should be aiming for anyway - can you imagine the dirge they'd give him if he won. Give it to Biscuit and be done with it. Kitty failed to make post-apocalyptic Sister Act 2 happen and ArseTAT failed to give a shit. Louis told him he wouldn't be a rockstar. Backstage, ArseTAT basically says he can't be arsed doing this any more. I think he basically went here the moment he got in the bottom two, and I think he might be about to effect a Katie Waissel style turnaround on me in that now he clearly doesn't give a shit, he might become infinitely more entertaining. Borelow lies that he would never be as rude to anyone as Louis was to Frankie. I think calling Johnny a disgrace and saying he made a mockery of the contest was worse, not least because that would be more true of ArseTAT, but whatever Borelow. Just watch out for flying pebbles when you're sitting in that glass house. Misha was thrown back to the 1970s and the show threw its weight behind trying to make BixMIX happen.

Also, I've decided that seeing as The US version of this show is steadfastly refusing to have fun, despite NotLouis and the stage making some effort, they should send Borelow over there to join Simon and LA Reid in boring old men land to dribble over tedious sub-MOR rock ballads, child acts that should only ever be allowed on '…. Got Talent' shows (which I never watch) and blonde girls doing country-lite. In return, we should fly NotLouis, Paula and Nicole over here, reinstate Dannii (Kelly will never do this show again in a million years), and have Louis, Paula, Nicole and Dannii as our panel. It would be the campest thing ever, but at least it would stop being ashamed of the fact.

Dermot reminds us it's a double elimination and introduces our next group, JLS. We're reminded of a time many, many years ago, when groups actually auditioned for this show as groups, when Louis Walsh was allowed non-joke acts, and when JLS actually released interesting singles. Sadly, their best ever moment and their second best ever moment are absent. Stupid VT.

Their stage set is full of lamps, cry ice and benches as if they've been raiding the props cupboard at Strictly. [One of the lamps isn't even working. Props fail. - Steve] Their new single is all kinds of boring, but they're wearing coats on stage which is at least attempting to get into the spirit of the staging. It says something that the most excitement this performance caused on Twitter was people realising that the earplugs and mics had their colours on. Does anyone know if their condoms are coloured, by the way? I can imagine a lurid green/red/blue/yellow trousersnake would be such a turn-on.

Dermot asks when the new single is out. Marvin says right now, and the album is out 'the week after' - the week after right now? So does that mean the week after Monday, so a bit more than a week after right now, or this Monday, so a lot less than a week after right now? Be specific, Marvin. Also, JLS are on their what, third or fourth album now, and Alexandra's still only had one? Sort it out, Burke.

Dermot talks to the remaining acts through a video link-up. They're in the studio, Dermot, you could just talk to them face-to-face. He reminds Johnny that Funsponge was rude to him last night and Johnny says 'you always hurt the ones you love, Borelow'. [I'm officially bored of Johnny and Gary having a gay off every week? - Steve] He reminds Kitty that her dancing got burned but she says she takes criticism on board. SugaBLOKES miss him asking them if they've done enough. Interchangeable Ash says hopefully and we get to see Derry's boring hair. Misha says she's scared, so does Janet. BixMIX would quite like to win, but they want to emphasise how grateful they are for the opportunity. Craig BISCUIT and Marcus each make a bid for the Liverpool region bloc vote. ArseTAT isn't really interested in your votes.

Ads. Is this the longest we've ever been without a break? M&S have suddenly caused the whole nation to fall out with them because of the abomination of their latest advert. No harpies. Not even Caroline Quentin. No, some generic families pratting about… to the sound, and image, of the last 9 X Factor contestants (it will become a bit amazing if they edit it each week as someone leaves, though). Ashford is featured with The Risk, but I can't wait to see what they've done for the actual finalists' single this year, whether he will be with both them and Nu Bile and have to play 'runaround' on stage when they perform, or whether they're going to Franken them into one huge boy band. Misha gets the pimp slot, which is nice. This must be the worst thing I have ever witnessed… IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I take it back, the worst thing I have ever witnessed is THIS - an advert for an album of Bruce Forsyth singing. That has to be even less marketable than an album by the Strictly "singers". Or Nu Bile. These adverts need to come with a health warning - I feel genuinely violated.

Dermot welcomes us back, but fails to apologise for the adverts or offer to reimburse us for the purchase of all that brain bleach. Next up: Florence and the Machine (someone on Twitter pointed out that 'the Machine' must have a restraining order to stand out of view of her at all times). Now, I love Florence, I know she's a Marmite act, but I think she's amazing. However, every time I look at her I wonder if she really is an elaborate joke by Noel Fielding where he's pretending to be a forty year old woman pretending to be a twenty-five year old woman ('Florence' is code amongst my friendship group for anyone who claims to be younger than they are) [In mine, it's Lucy Pargeter off Emmerdale. I think this demonstrates the different circles Rad and I move in. - Steve]. Her dress has entered into the full X Factor spirit - it's got a load of what look like sails coming off it, which turn out to be attached to backing dancers as costume. There's then a lot of contemporary dancing akin to maypole dancing with Florence as the maypole. They're literally 'shaking it up' in time with the lyrics. Kitty's gospel choir then emerge in their Next Gen dress uniforms for good measure. I'm guessing you either loved or hated that, but I bloody loved it.
More ads now. I'm still too scarred from the last lot, so I'm off to make a cup of tea.

Results time. Dermot tells us the act with the lowest vote will be going home straight away and then the next two lowest will be in the sing-off. Safe: BixMIX, who promptly lose their shit. Borelow and Kelly grimace at this news. Heh. Also safe: Marcus, Misha (and there sounds like some booing at this, for shame, audience), Biscuit and Frankie who is completely shocked. Borelow has all three acts left, and either Kelly, Tulisa or Louis will definitely only have one next week (or none, in Louis' case) which means he's going to be even more insufferably smug next week. The final act safe is Janet. Louis looks upset. Kitty looks resigned
The act in bottom place is… SugaBLOKES! Tulisa and the boys look stunned, Kitty looks shocked, and Johnny smiles. Heh. The audience boo. Well, you should have voted then.

I'm pretty surprised at this - I expected a SHOCK! BOOT! but really thought it would be Janet. I guess doing a very boring performance of a very boring song midway through proceedings doesn't ever bode well for your chances of staying.

That means BixMIX are the last group standing, and I'm beginning to think they might be the chosen ones this year. Think about it: they probably don't really want a male winner, and given how Janet and Misha have both been thrown under the bus lately, they don't seem to want either of them to win. But a group has never won, and they must be dying for this to happen. A boy band would have to compete with JLS, The Wanted and One Direction. A girl group means no male winner, a group finally wins, and they can pretend it's a victory for feminism because girls no longer hate other girls (be prepared for more self-flagellation from BixMIX in coming weeks). I mean, it's never going to happen, because a group doesn't appeal to the mums, so we're going to get a Marcus/Biscuit top two (every one else has already been in the bottom two/three, or are Janet whom they have no clue how they'd market), but I could see BixMIX coming a solid third.

We see the SugaBLOKES' bits, such as that time when one of them was in another group altogether, and the other ones were solo artists, and then the soloists became part of two frankenbands, and then all three bands went to judges' houses and Tulisa made Charlie sack off his mates in The Keys and sent home The Risk mk1, then brought three of them back and shoved them with Charlie and made The Risk mk2 and that time when Nu Bile got ejected from the show and laughed off the inevitable staying together question, and then that time when Interchangeable Ash 1 left and Interchangeable Ash 2 who used to be in Nu Bile came in, and those weeks when all of their performances were less good than the ones that came before. Fun times! Maybe one of them can join BixMIX next week.

And then they're pretty unceremoniously booted off and we never hear of them again.
More ads. Time for another drink, I feel.

Johnny's up first. He forgets Simon Cowell is no longer on this show and chooses 'Unchained Melody'. It's pretty good, or at least better than any of the millions of attempts the Cowell roster have ever managed, but it's a hella boring song choice, and does sound a bit too much like Gareth Gates in places. He's aIso giving some sidegob. Stay away from Craig BISCUIT, Johnny. I do feel him out coming out in full drag one week was a real missed opportunity - the public would so have got behind that, even if it would have given Cowell and Borelow a gay panic/ fun panic induced heart attack.

Kitty chooses another ballad, 'Beautiful Disaster'. So much for your 'ballid free week', O'Leary. It's competent but it's not very fun. We know you can sing, Kitty, you don't actually need to prove it, just bring some showbiz. The audience shout 'Johnny, Johnny, Johnny' and then 'Kitty, Kitty, Kitty'. I'm glad two acts are going but I'm sad one of them has to be either Kitty or Johnny.

Dermot goes to Louis first, which seems unnecessarily mean, and he promises not to do a Cheryl Cole and wuss out, so he picks the act that is more likely to get a recording contract in the real world and sends home Johnny. Tulisa says she gets along with both of them [oh Tulisa, NO ONE CARES. - Steve] but is going with the act she looks forward to most each week and also sends home Johnny, who, bless him, knows he's going. Kelly tells people to put on a 'real hat' and ask whose album they'll buy and whose career they'll follow - er, none of them? Anyway, she sends home Johnny. Borelow says he would have sent Johnny home too but Johnny is one of the nicest people in the competition. He smiles and waves at the audience. We see his best bits: being set up as a male Susan Boyle, being high-pitched, wearing bacofoil, going Geisha, flirting with Borelow, getting a jazz-bore makeover, being lovely. Louis says he loves Johnny and he sang really well. Dermot asks Louis what Johnny should do next, and in a rare moment of honesty for this show, Louis says 'I don't know' and starts to cry. Johnny gives him a big hug. Johnny thanks everyone for getting behind him and accepting him for being him, and the audience give him a big cheer, which was a much nicer exit than the poor SugaBLOKES were given, and Johnny was very gracious in defeat. I'll miss him.

Next week we have performances from Wan Direction and their magical backing singers, and Lady GAGA. There's a rumour it's a GaGa themed week, but as Dermot doesn't specify this, I suspect it'll be 'Lady GaGa and some other things that are songs' so that only Kitty, BixMIX and Misha get to do GaGa and everyone else does something else. Bet someone does this and claims it as GaGa. Join Helen for all the fun [Fun? Not on my watch - Funsponge Tightpants Borelow] then!

Clubbed to death

2011-11-06T14:14:00.006Z

Week 5 - 'Club Classics' week

5 November 2011

Last week! It was a scary old night indeed! Future Head Judge Alexandra Burke filled in for Kelly who was off sick, or “off sick” if you’re cynical about these matters! Sophie finally left, and our new favourite web thing, Fix Factor Comics, illustrated this perfectly!

Tonight! Kelly is back! Gary and ArseTAT are possibly going to have another fakeout row! But two people will be going, so hooray for that! It’s! Time! To! Face! Some! Terrible! Puns! About! Fireworks!

Incidentally, wouldn’t fire and fireworks be a decent theme night? Katy Perry, Roxette, The Crazy World of Arthur Brown? No? [No. - Steve]

Dermot enters to ‘The Theme from S-Express’ which is something I am surprised this show has any awareness of. Suitwatch? Blue and obviously ill-fitting around the middle, but not his worst ever. He is surrounded by scantily female clad dancers for the second week in a row. He guarantees a ‘ballid free zone’ – does this mean Tulisa has learned to pronounce the word correctly then? Apparently our theme is ‘club classics’, but seeing as the theme was ‘rock’ the other week and it essentially meant ‘whatever the hell we feel like’, let’s not hold our breath on that one.

The judges enter to ‘Disco Inferno’, with Kelly touching Tulisa’s back, although still no hand-holding, so the conspiracy lovers out there still have plenty to consider. Judges’ dress watch: Kelly is wearing a pink ballgown, Tulisa a short spangly thing, Louis a smart black suit and shirt, Funsponge an old Victorian professorial get-up as usual. Note to Funsponge: the only man under 60 in this country who can pull off tweed is Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor and seeing as he’s playing a character over 900 years old, he doesn’t class as under 50 really. And even he wouldn’t attempt double tweed with a waistcoat like you are doing. This is no better than double denim. To be fair, if Borelow went the whole hog and adopted a monocle and handlebar moustache (it is Movember after all), I might allow it. Kelly is welcomed back, and Funsponge says ‘can I just say, don’t leave us again DOT COM’. Is that a burn on Alexandra? Because I know this show likes to rag on its male winners but surely insulting one of its only two succesful winners is bad form. Maybe he was just worried that this show might become a little bit too fun if she hung around. [Funsponge is jus jelass because Future Head Judge Alexandra Burke was more entertaining in one show than he's managed to be in an entire series. - Steve]

Dermot asks Funsponge what he wants to hear from the acts. Funsponge dodges the question by saying they are looking for a winner. Yes, thanks for that one. Tulisa and Kelly declare that they are ‘all good’ now because this week’s made-up tabloid drama is going to be caused by a DOUBLE EVICTION and possibly also a crappy SHOCK TWIST if the producers get a bit antsy and need more headlines.

Because it’s the stage where these competitions start to have a John Sargeant memorial panic and the joke acts and fodderbots need to be put in their place, Johnny is on first. We see him rehearsing with his choreographers and flirting with the male dancers. He hopes the judges ‘get up and have a boogie’. He opens with ‘Hung Up’ and his voice is even more helium-tastic than ever. I love this track, but it’s not a very ‘singy’ song and it shows. Johnny’s wearing the same kind of suit as Louis which seems an odd sartorial choice for him in any week, but especially this week when glitter, sequins or even full-on drag would have been very fitting. Still, he’s standing on a stage with a replica vinyl record saying ‘Johnny Robinson’ in the middle, which is more exciting than just a piece of perspex. He starts with a bunch of besuited male dancers, and then the song morphs into ‘You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)’. The literal staging would have worked better if the record he was standing on had actually spun. [I was waiting for it to spin. That would've been awesome - Helen] His fully clothed male dancers disperse and a bunch of scantily clad women emerge. Le sigh. Johnny manages this second song pretty well, even getting the deep notes, even if it's overall a little underwhelming and I have a feeling that an under-par Johnny performance is about as fun as tonight will get.

Tulisa reads her ‘kill the joke act’ memo and tells him it was a bit too predictable. Kelly uses the whole ‘guilty pleasure’ line from the big book o’ judges’ clichés. Funsponge calls it ‘the opening of a bad pantomime in Scarborough’ and lies that it’s making a mockery of the competition, and lies that they’re looking for someone to sell records even though a) Johnny is one of the better singers and performers here – if anyone’s making a mockery, it’s Arse TAT and the fake groups so cram it, Funsponge and b) The most notable success from this show since its one good year in 2008? Jedward. So cram it, Funsponge. Borelow asks if he enjoyed it, Johnny said he did. Funsponge says he thinks Johnny is lying and last week when they made him a bit boring was more enjoyable. Johnny reminds Funsponge that the theme this week is all about fun. This message does not compute. Dermot asks if he should do a ballad every week. Kelly says, no, that’s boring. Funsponge says there are ‘other ways’ of showing what he can do but fails to express what these might be. [This is because Funsponge totally wants Johnny to do a ballid every week but doesn't want to look like a funsponge by actually saying so. - Steve] Johnny says maybe one day he and Funsponge might get married and then they can change the record. Johnny then smiles at us, and you know what – I just love him, because he has no real attitude about any of this at all, unlike some people, FUNSPONGE.

Speaking of attitude, it’s Janet up next. Dermot introduces Kelly as going to ‘put it down’. Kelly does not like this burn and says ‘er, yeah, we’d better retire that’. I’m liking new, post-‘illness’ Kelly so far, let’s see if it lasts. Janet’s VT is a mass of lots of hair, and she’s also choosing her own song. We’re also seeing a bit of female NotNotLouis in these VTs (I believe there are two creative directors this year). She looks a bit like that blonde one from The Bangles. If you squint and imagine her in a tracksuit.

Janet’s wearing some fuckawful get-up – a vest top with no skirt or trousers, tights, a long no-sleeve cardi thing and boots and she looks really uncomfortable. She’s doing ‘I Want You Back’ and sounds really awkward. She loses the lyrics halfway through, and even though she recovers quickly, this isn’t especially tuneful, and if Funsponge is being consistent (Ha!) he will hate it.

Louis likes that she stepped out of her comfort zone. Tulisa says she’d always wanted to hear her go uptempo but now she has, she regrets that and Janet should go back to being boring. [Judging With Tulisa Contostavlos: GET OUT OF YOUR BOX! NOW GET BACK IN YOUR BOX! The End. - Steve] Funsponge says the performance was weak and didn’t suit her and she should stick with Kelly’s song choices. Thing is, I don’t really want to defend Janet, because she’s annoying as all hell and awful, but she at least vaguely tried to go on theme, which is more than Tulisa or Funsponge’s acts seem to do, so, you know, either have the theme weeks or don’t. I don’t know what this show wants anymore. Kelly says it wasn’t Janet’s strongest performance but she had a good time. Dermot lies that this is the first week Janet had mixed feedback. Janet said it’s not the kind of thing she’d normally record, but she at least had a go at the theme. Oh Janet, please don’t make me like you - although given your placing on the show tonight and the cock-up of the song/styling, coupled with two weeks of judges' criticisms, I think we could be looking at you for a 'shock' boot this week or next.

Ads. Do we think one of those Yeo Valley famers will find their way into the SugaBLOKES by the end of the series? [Fnar. - Steve]

Dermot implores us to download an XFactor app. Er, why? Next up is Craig BISCUIT. Last week he stepped out of his comfort zone by doing an Adele song that had no relation to the theme. I know, colour me shocked. Funsponge points out that this theme doesn’t suit Craig. I don’t know, I’ve heard a club remix of ‘Someone Like You’. I’m sure that would be a tenuous enough link for you, Borelow. Craig’s VT shows him attempting some terrible dancing – although not as terrible as that foisted on us by Olly Murs. He starts to sing Bryan Adams’ ‘Heaven’, and though I know this was remixed as a dance song, it’s still stretching the theme somewhat, no? They let him do a whole verse as a ballad but then they do kick in a dance beat. He stands rooted to the spot whilst a load of dancers move behind him, He then attempts some walking and looks like he’s going to crash into his backing dancers. Then he gets to go ballady again. It’s as boring as he always is and I fail to see how that is any more credible than Johnny. At least Johnny looks like he's enjoying himself, whereas Craig BISCUIT looks like a prisoner of war being kept against his will and tortured in Borelow's anti-fun, anti-fat, anti-personality camp.

Louis loves him and he reminds him of a ‘young Gary Barlow’ with his singing and dancing. Gary Barlow who notoriously was the crap dancer in Take That. Craig pulls an awesome ‘did you just burn me there?’ face. Tulisa says she knew he could do something up-tempo. Except 60% of that song wasn’t up-tempo. Kelly says she was starting to think some contestants are getting complacent, but Craig isn’t. I’m not sure Craig is necessarily complacent himself, but there is a definite complacency in the way Borelow and the producers are lining him up to be one of the chosen ones – after all, Adele mk2 didn’t get through judges’ houses, so they may as well go for male Adele. [I was disappointed none of the judges made a Club Biscuit joke - Helen]

Next up, let’s see who is in uber-Frankenband SugaBLOKES this week. They go to meet JLS who tell them they need to progress to the next level. SugaBLOKES ask if there’s a gap in the market they can fill. JLS say ‘not our gap. No only joking. Except not really. That One Direction are bad enough. So we’ll be quite happy if you fall on your arses to be honest’.

I think SugaBLOKES are still on their 3.0 incarnation this week. They’re doing ‘A Night To Remember’ and there’s some terrible microphone dancing, and the obligatory rap bit in the middle (it’s like we’re back in 1990 this series with every other track having a rap break). They let one of the ones no-one cares about do a verse, which may be a mistake, but it’s not Zaynwreck levels of badness. For the most part, it’s pretty competent and super-duper bland. This song isn’t my favourite, and whilst I don’t care that much about the SugaBLOKES, they deserve better than this.

Louis proves he knows one of the other one’s names (Derry) and liked his rap, but points out that Charlie is the lead singer, so there’s now Derry, Charlie and interchangeable Ash (ley/ford/ton/es to ashes funk to funky) The other bloke without a name should probably fear for his P45. Borelow felt like this was their best song choice but they didn’t sing it that well (this is a piss-awful song choice that no-one can sing well) and they need to realise that Charlie is the lead singer, even though everyone knows he is anyway. Tulisa says they have ‘won this competition tonight’. [LOL HUBRIS. - Steve] Oh great, does that mean we don’t need to hear the other five acts? I’ll be happy to allow SugaBLOKES to win tonight if that’s the case.

Ads. The creatures from the Muller ad are lining up to be in SugaBLOKES v15.0.

Dermot welcomes us back by standing in the audience and lying that they are wonderful people.

Marcus is next, and Borelow tells him that everyone else is getting the ~~dancing is hard for tall people~~ ‘club classics are hard for boring people’ edit but he should be fine because he’s done dance music before. Marcus’s face drops as he realises he could be being set up for the ‘you should shine this week and you didn’t’ edit. Especially as they probably need to lose one of the boys this week and black solo male singers get even shorter shrift on this show than confident black girls.

A random black and white ‘TV announcer’ clip introduces him. What is with these gimmicks? ArseTAT’s terrible entrance last week was bad enough. His stage set is full of retro style TV displays and 50s-style dancers. He’s rocking a dubious pencil moustache and wearing a cast-off from Bruno Mars’ weirdly silent 50s-styled performance the other week and doing ‘Reet Petite’ which is a fabulous track and I really like this. The guy can sing, has a reasonable vocal range, and he’s much more versatile than Craig BISCUIT. Plus he does the rolls on rrrrrrreet really well. It's not in the least bit current, other than that the 1950s are a bit 'in'. Howeverm I really enjoyed it. I’ve never really cared much for Marcus before but now I’m thinking he might be quite good. And he’s certainly the best one in Borelow’s category by a country mile.

Louis says he’s the perfect pop star and compares him to Little Richard (all in the pencil moustache, I think), Bruno Mars, Jackie Wilson and Ernie Milton, whoever that may be, and we get what I believe is our first ‘you are the X Factor’ of the series. Tulisa says she was ‘boogie-ing down’ with her PA to Marcus’ rehearsal. A PA, Tulisa? Not very street, is it? Kelly says he’s like Frankie Lymon but loses points for not prefixing this with ‘you remind me of a little’. Funsponge says it wasn’t the performance of the night, but the performance of the ‘season’. No, series. Stop trying to be Cowell. Also: poor SugaBLOKES, robbed of their ‘win’ already. Dermot reminds us to vote.

Last week, Kitty was awesome and span around on a giant target because she's the only one with any notion of being good telly, and this week she’s the second of Louis’ acts doing Madonna. Does this mean Madge herself might make an appearance in the finals? Kitty says in her VT that she wants to do something post-apocalyptic and like Sister Act 2. A post-apocalyptic Sister Act 2 sounds like the best film pitch ever.

She’s doing ‘Like a Prayer’ and starts by wearing choir robes with a yellowy glittery patch at the top that look a bit like the dress uniform they had to wear on Star Trek The Next Generation. It’s like she reached into my mind and combined all my favourite things. To be fair, the opening bit is a little weak, but it improves and then we get pyrotechnics, and she and her choral backing dancers fling off their robes to reveal GaGa leotards. I’m not seeing the post-apocalyptic Sister Act 2 vision I was promised though, so I am disappointed. It’s a little bit shouty as well. It wasn't her finest hour, but I still love her, and rather Kitty than ArseTAT, BixMIX or Craig BISCUIT.

Tulisa says Kitty is the most consistent performer and could keep people entertained on an arena tour. Kelly says this performance was a little flat compared to her others because she too had bought into the post-apocalyptic Sister Act 2 dream. Gary says the vocals weren’t as good as usual and Kitty can’t dance, he says he can’t dance, so he doesn’t, and she shouldn’t either. Louis says she’s too talented ~~to be on this show~~ to be a tribute act and he wants people to keep her in. Dermot tries to stoke up controversy by asking her how she’ll respond to the feedback. She says she’ll take on board the criticisms and work on it. Dermot says, ‘no, but really’ and Kitty says ‘yes, really, I want to work hard and get better, thanks Dermot’. Dermot sucks at creating fake drama.

Last week, ArseTAT sucked as usual but was somehow saved, much to his disbelief. Borelow says ArseTAT is not the best singer in the competition but that’s not what it’s about. I refer you to your critiques of Johnny and tell you to shut the fuck up, Funsponge. Lots of footage of hair, lairyness and ArseTAT being a dick. Craig BISCUIT bets ArseTAT he will go home. Ha. Although I’d laugh even harder if Biscuit went.

He’s doing ‘I Gotta Feeling’ and it’s so out of time it makes Susan Boyle sound like she knows what rhythm is and he has no concept of tuning as usual. He walks around looking uncomfortable and I wonder if he actually kind of wants to go home. His timing does improve as the song goes on but he looks really awkward and his ‘rock star’ moves involve shuffling around the stage as comfortably as Biscuit Boy did, although he had a ‘band’ rather than backing dancers to crash into.

Louis says it was bad karaoke and he doesn’t know why he’s still in the competition. [I fell in love with Louis a little bit at that point - Helen] He says ArseTAT is not a rock star and will never be a rock star and the only thing big about him is his hair. Harsh but fair. Tulisa said she’d just got comfortable with the ‘edgy, rebellious’ Frankie and thinks the song choice was ‘too soft’. Tulisa really, really does not ‘get’ theme weeks, does she? Kelly tells Louis he should never tell someone what they will never be, even though if this show employed some more of that honesty… well, they’d never actually get 16 acts through to live shows for a start. Louis tries to snap back at her and she goes ‘OK, cute’ in a sarky way, which would be a brilliant burn normally if he weren’t being honest. Louis then says ‘at least I’m being honest and not playing to the cameras like you are’. Oh joy, fake judge dramaz again. [I love the idea of Louis believing he doesn't play to the cameras, bless him. - Steve] Borelow tells Louis to get ‘back in your cage’ whatever that means, and Louis tells him to shut up. Funsponge tells ArseTAT he chose the wrong song and it’s disgusting that people boo him. You never said that when people booed Kitty the last few weeks, so cram it. Dermot fails again to cause drama by asking ArseTAT if he hated the song, Arse says no, the song was fine and only just stops short of saying 'please don't vote for me, I'm bored of this now'. Borelow says this was always going to be the hardest week for, well, for everyone except Marcus, apparently. Louis says he still can’t sing in tune. Louis and Borelow then do the ‘shut up’, ‘no you shut up’, ‘no you shut up’ thing. Again. Some more. Yawn.

Ads. I kind of want to watch that Julie Walters thing, but the close-ups of eyes in the trailer are wigging me out. Halloween was last week.

Kelly says the ‘B’ in Misha B’s name stands not for ‘Bryant’ but for ‘Meaning Some Serious Business’. Kelly’s got the Simon Cowell grasp of the English language then. Misha was in the bottom two last week, but this week she went to ‘the Cosmos’ with Janet (Cosmopolitan awards, I presume) and met Kylie. Were they the only two contestants there? Poor Johnny. Misha’s family have come to cheer her up and she cries that they inspire her to be great. What, no death, disease or poverty? Not really a sob story, my love.

She’s doing ‘Proud Mary’ and is wearing a white jacket with big hair as if she’s Heather Small circa 1994, and tight leather trousers as if she’s Catwoman. It’s not a good look for her. She also opens with some weird talky bit about the importance of music, which is just odd. There seems to be something wrong with the sound n places – whether it’s her not singing into the mic properly or it cutting out, bits of it keep cutting off. She affects some Tina Turner dancing. Her vocal is good as always, but the whole thing feels like it’s come straight out of 1975 which is a shame, as until now, she’s been one of the only vaguely contemporary contestants.

Louis says she has natural star quality and she and Marcus are in a different league to everyone else. Tulisa loves seeing her getting dressed up and she also loves her being ‘toned down’ tonight – well, I guess she has less make-up on, but toned down? Gary tells her she’s awesome and Kelly gets the audience to give a ‘hello hello hello hello’. They cheer. Don’t know that a cheer counts as a hello. Louis implores Manchester to use ‘their thumbs’ and vote.

It’s been a while since we had an advert break, hasn’t it? A whole performance. So here are some more. That Rolf Harris interview sounds quite sad.

Next up, BixMIX and they’ve become the first group this series to all get a proper, captioned, name. Perrie is the blonde one who hasn’t yet been allowed a personality, but she’s now discovered one: Geordie. Well, South Shields, but close. About two years too late for that gimmick, love. She used to learn to sing in the launderette, when old ladies gave her 20ps to sing. She’s a veritable Alan Sugar. Leigh Anne is the one with the cool red hair who looks a bit like a Valentine sibling from Hollyoaks, and she’s from High Wycombe. Jade is the other anonymous one and is also, apparently, from South Shields and also used to mug the old people of the community. Does anyone know about this? I wonder if Jade and Perrie were actually in a group at one stage? I’m sure some of the internet conspiracy theorists out there would like to think so. Jesy, from Romford, is the one we actually know about and we see some terrible home video footage of her and her siblings screeching ‘Without You’. They really are trying to make this girl band happen, aren’t they? This week they got to sing with Jessie J who put them through at judges’ houses. We see Jessie J thrusting a mic in their faces and forcing them to sing. Her foot appears to be fixed.

They’re doing ‘Please Don’t Stop the Music’ and the vocals are really bad, especially from Jesy and Leigh Anne Valentine, which is a shame, given they’ve been the ‘main ones’ so far. Funnily enough, the ‘other two’ get a bit more to do this week, although Perrie sings as if she’s in another band/genre/show altogether. They get One Directional memorial backing singers in the chorus, which improves things a lot. I do love the multi-coloured lighting they always do for these girls, but their styling is dreadful this week, as if their mums had made them costumes for ‘come to school dressed as a person from the 1980s' vision of a person from the year 2000’ day, and their dancing is a bit iffy, but they’ve got the pimp slot, and I think they could potentially make some decent pop records given the right team.

Louis loves them and thinks they’ve broken the curse of the girl bands. If they have, that’s nothing to do with them (or to do with the other girl bands) and everything to do with this show choosing to pimp them when it’s previously chosen to bus girl bands at the earliest opportunity – except for Phoebe and the Woo Woo Girls, who Wikipedia says came 5th, which shocked me, as I thought they’d been a solid mid-series boot. It’s a long way to go before this lot make 5^th, so they shouldn’t speak too soon. [BixMix are now, I believe, the girl group to go the furthest in the competition without being in the bottom two. Phoebe and The Woo-Woo Girls had already been in the bottom two at Top 10, but were saved over Futurepoofs. - Steve] Kelly says we should hear them a capella sometime. Funsponge loves them and likes that they raided Johnny’s wardrobe. Whatever. Tulisa loves them girls and highlights that there is an Essex Mix and two Geordie Mixes but doesn’t call upon the High Wycombe massive. For shame, Tulisa. The girls would like to be here next week, ta.

Dermot reminds us that two acts are going! Hooray! I hope that doesn’t mean we’re going to be on two performances apiece though, as I’m not yet ready for 14 performances in one show (I know we had 16 at first, but that show did last eight years and they at least had the courtesy to boot four out).

Recap: Johnny spinning right round on a disappointingly static record, Janet trying and failing to do the theme and possibly being lined up for the ‘shock boot’ of the series, Craig BISCUIT sucking the life out of disco, SugaBLOKES being boring, Marcus lining himself up for one of those rock'n'roll pseudo musicals, Kitty failing to make post-apocalyptic Sister Act 2 happen and breaking my heart, ArseTAT begging to go home, Misha being sent back in time, BixMIX being allowed names.

Tomorrow night, Florence and the Machine will be here to inspire Janet, and JLS will be here to shoot daggers at SugaBLOKES across the green room. Plus two people are going.

Dermot implores us to download the songs, like that’s ever going to happen.

Join me later for the results!

Bar humbug

2011-11-01T22:10:00.007Z

Top 10 Results: 30th October 2011

In a manner not entirely dissimilar to an educational film starring Troy McClure, a static camera catches Derwood walking on and informing us that last night, ten contestants performed for our votes in the Hallowe'en "special" (I weep when I think of the songs that were passed over in favour of irrelevant offerings like 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go'. Where was 'Black Magic Woman'? 'I Put A Spell On You'? Anything at all by B*Witched?), but now's where it gets really scary. Don't worry, it's not Sharon Osbourne coming back, or another guest performance from Whitney Houston: it's just the results.

Turgid video highlights, anyone? Craig Custardcream gave the alleged performance of the night, BixMix had a new name, Johnny copped a feel, Future Head Judge Alexandra BURKE threw some sass at Louis, Sophie Hadherchips was "a secretary that sings at the weekends". Tonight, someone will leave the competition. Those remaining acts in full once more: BixMIX, SugaBLOKES (thanks Rad), Johnny ROBINSON, Kitty BRUCKNELL, Misha B, Janet DEVLIN, Sophie HADENOUGHOFMAKINGUPNEWSURNAMES, Marcus COLLINS, Craig CUSTARDCREAM and ArseTAT. Also in amongst all this will be the triumphant(ish) returns of Cher LLOYD and Nicole SCHERZINGER. Shall we get on with it? It's time! To face! A Phonecall!

Titles. X marks the schlock.

Derwood makes his way onto the stage and runs through everything we've already heard. He informs us that Kelly is still not well, therefore Future Head Judge Alexandra BURKE is with us on the judging panel once more. Hooray! I can take or leave the other three. Tulisa is wearing a long dress that she has to actively hike up in order to walk, and makes her look like a sort of space-age Dorothy Gale. Alexandra is in a much shorter dress that is a variety of marine colours. Tulisa is still doing that weird Stormtrooper salute, having not realised that "so fetch" has more chance of happening. Derwood reminds us of the phone numbers once more, and then it's time for something truly terrifying in honour of Hallowe'en. FUCK YEAH, GROUP SING! It's Cee-Lo Green's 'Bright Lights Bigger City', and naturally Marcus gets to do opening duties on it, in his role as the one whose voice is clearly suited to such a song. Such good work is quickly undone by the appearance of She-Beast Janet, who yelps her way through her lines, and then Biscuit Boy turns up wearing a blazer with its collar popped. This series could honestly sustain Go Fug Yourself for months single-handedly. The Sugablokes struggle once again despite being clearly pre-recorded, noted anarchist Arsetat mumbles his way through it and is obviously TOTALLY PUNK ROCK in the process, and Kitty is actually sounding quite cabaret tonight, so I'm beginning to think that Future Head Judge Alexandra Burke might have been fairly astute in her criticism. Marcus, Kitty and Misha pretty much support the weight of the performance between the three of them, and everyone else is just window-dressing.

Another recap? How unexpected! Sugablokes went first and were an absolute mess, not that the judges noticed, and backstage Louis thinks they've come back as a better band. Johnny was so dull that he drove Gary into paroxysms of glee. Sophie was wretchedly bad and unexpectedly cockney, and was disappointed by her comments. Marcus overcame a naff arrangement of 'Superstition' and loved it so much that he wanted to do it again - Borelow opines that Marcus delivers every week. Misha was amazing again, and Louis did a Kelly impression, while Tulisa was still an utter cow. Misha thinks she belongs onstage. Someone who belongs as far away from a stage (and sound amplification equipment) as possible was Janet, who Borelow found predictable, and backstage Janet worries that she was sweating the small stuff. Arsetat bucked the theme and spoke The Clash, and the judges decided to encourage him, because Gary never got to be Robbie Williams the first time around and wants a chance to live it vicariously. Kitty was bonkers and brilliant, but Alexandra worried that she was cabaret. Kitty thanks Louis for letting her be insane. BixMix were actually one of the best of the night, as much as it pains me to say it, though there were still some wobbly vocals, and Borelow liked hearing their individual voices. Backstage, Tulisa says that "Little Mix did the best performance they've ever done tonight," overlooking the fact that technically it was also the only performance they've ever done - as Little Mix, anyway. Biscuit decided to show his versatility by doing a slightly more uptempo Adele song this week, and backstage Borelow decides that everyone sucks but him. God, Borelow is just the absolute worst, isn't he? [I'm just grateful the panel is not him, Sharon Simon and Cheryl. That's the kind of stuff I have nightmares about - Rad]

Speaking of the absolute worst: here's Cher Lloyd, who Derwood describes as a "feisty, determined, brilliant contestant". It's great, you can't even see the gun pointing at his head as he says it. Obviously we relieve her X Factor experience via a VT, including her audition, and I'd like to remind you that when that first aired, people were sharing it on Twitter and talking about how a star was born etc etc, while this blog dared to opine that both she and it were FUCKING AWFUL, and I like to think that history has proven us right. Her intro states "DEBUT NUMBER 1 SINGLE" and "OVER 100 MILLION HITS ON YOUTUBE", but does not mention that at least half of those were people who promptly responded "what the shit is this mess?" Anyway, tonight she's back with her new single 'With Ur Love' [UR when people mean 'your' as opposed to 'you are' is one of my many pet hates. It makes my flesh crawl - Rad], and looking as much like a Minipops version of Cheryl as ever. She's dressed like an idiot and sounds like crap, but I understand that in saying this, I am jagging her swagger, and that I am a hater who must let it go. The song finishes, and there's just enough time for Derwood to ask her about her big year and for Cher to act like a character from The Fast Show in response. [I'm gutted there wasn't a Louis/Cher stand-off, given how much he's slagged her off since last year's show - Rad] Then she's gone. Hooray! Derwood gives us a five minute warning for the impending closure of the voting lines, and then it's time! To face! The ad break!

Upon our return, the lines are closed, and Derwood asks the judges for one name on who smashed it and who failed miserably. Louis fails to read the instructions and names Kitty and Marcus as those who smashed it, and Sophie and Arsetat who failed. Tulisa thinks BixMix smashed it, but thinks that no one was bad, apart from Craig doing another ballid. Alexandra liked Misha B, and thought that Arsetat was an abomination against humanity. The audience cheers this, which is amazing. Borelow liked Craig, and thought that all Kelly's acts had a bad week, because she's not here to defend herself and he's a spineless shitbag.

Time for our second performance: Nicole SCHERZINGER, who's currently getting grief from viewers and critics in the US for not being Cheryl Cole, after having received widespread praise over here last year for precisely the same reason. It's a funny old world, isn't it? (I still laugh until I literally cry when I see all those American viewers on the internet demanding the return of the "likeable, earnest" Cheryl Cole. Little do they know that the Cheryl in question was last seen in 2008 before being usurped by someone bearing the same name, but with a L'Oréal contract in place of her sense of humour). Anyway, Nicole has sold 37 million records, gone multi-platinum in 31 countries, had 141 million hits on YouTube (why is this suddenly a thing we're supposed to care about?), and had number ones in 19 countries. I'm assuming she may not have achieved all of these things as a solo artist, but let's just go with it. [Also, I saw her on Chatty Man the other night and she was hilarious and adorable. Some of her singles are a bit boring but I adore her - Rad]

So, remember when she came on last year and sang 'Poison' and was so completely amazing that she made everyone else on the show look completely ridiculous? Yeah, this isn't that. I mean, she's still a far reach above all the contestants on this show, but the song ('Try With Me') is not nearly as good, and the performance itself not as dynamic. I still love her though, and still think that 'Don't Hold Your Breath' is one of the best pop songs of the year. After she's finished, Derwood rushes the stage and asks her when she'll be back over here on tour. Nicole, God love her, answers the question by turning her back on him and facing the audienc. HA! Gotta love a good Derwood-snub. Derwood pretends he wants to go to the concert, even though we know he'd far rather listen to dreary shit with guitars and wouldn't be caught dead anywhere where actual fun might be had.

Time for another ad break, and The X Factor competition. Have we officially established that the "HONK!" that silences the lyric we're meant to guess is supplied by singing goose Rebecca Jazznoodle? It'd be the best use of her dubious talents.

Upon our return, Derwood announces that the result is in. Time to welcome back the contestants: Future Head Judge Alexandra BURKE looking after Misha, Sophie and Janet on behalf of Kelly, Gary with Arsetat, Biscuit and Marcus, Louis with Johnny and Kitty, and Tulisa with Sugablokes and BixMix.

In no particular order, the following acts are safe: Kitty, Sugablokes, Biscuit, BixMix and Marcus. You'll note that we have now named five acts out of eight, and none of them so far are from Kelly's category, so the seasoned viewers amongst us will have twigged at this point that it's totally an all-Kelly bottom two this week, and most likely Sophie and Misha, because the world is not kind enough to put Janet at risk of elimination so soon. Sure enough, also safe are Johnny and Janet, leaving Sophie, Arsetat and Misha with their fates undeclared. Who's the last one through? Arsetat, of course, leaving Sophie and Misha in the bottom two. "YES MATE YES MATE YES MATE!" screams Borelow, apparently *this close* to climaxing there and then, while Alexandra Burke silently mouths "oh my God", and it is a thing of beauty. [Funsponge was so ungracious at this point I was praying for Dermot to have done an AusNTM and read out the wrong name, but still, we got to see FHJ ABurke being awesome, so *shrugs* - Helen] Someone must please make that into a gif for me immediately. The crowd are furious, as Derwood asks Misha and Sophie what they will sing for the final showdown. Misha, barely audibly, tells him she will sing 'Use Somebody', while Sophie will be singing 'Shelter'. And after a whole SIX MINUTES of thrilling television, it's time for another ad break.

Derwood welcomes us back, and Alexandra gives her an intro like a complete pro. (Serious sidebar: I know she was patronising as all-get-out yesterday, and broke all the rules about black women on reality shows needing to be humble at all times, but I was genuinely impressed with Alexandra's natural warmth and charisma on both shows this weekend, and I think if they're looking for new mentors next year - and dear God, I hope they are - then they could do a lot worse than pick her.) Apparently Sophie's song is a cover of The XX by Birdie, but that is not relevant. What is relevant is that this is the absolute worst performance on this show in weeks. Worse than Cher Lloyd earlier on. Worse than Luke Lucas attemping 'Impossible' at judges' houses. Even worse than any Arsetat performance you'd care to mention. Worse than all of those, possibly put together. It's basically two minutes' worth of someone failing to hit any of the notes she's aiming for, and frankly Sophie would've had about as much chance of staying if she'd simply walked out, produced a duck from behind her back, and just let it quack away merrily until her time was up. The duck would probably have been in tune, at least. She finishes, and Dermot invites us to give it up for Sophie, but there is no need, because Sophie has already given it up for herself.

Alexandra introduces Misha, and Misha proceeds to give an assured, excellent rendition of 'Use Somebody', all the while looking thoroughly defeated because she has learned the sad truth about what people will and will not accept from women on this show, and discovered that the only way to succeed is to pander to the lowest common denominator and pretend that nothing about you is special or worthy of admiration, exactly as Tulisa is doing with BixMix, because no matter how talented you are, you must always, ALWAYS know your place. And this week, that place is "somewhere below Arsetat in the voting public's affections". That's enough to break anyone's spirit, and it has obviously broken Misha's. She ends her performance in tears. Thanks, British public!

Derwood returns to the stage and informs us that we will have Kelly Rowland on the phone for the ultimate verdict. Interesting. I'm guessing they must have lined this up as soon as they realised a Misha/Sophie bottom two was likely, so I'm guessing the vote wasn't terribly close. I wonder, if the bottom two hadn't both been mentored by Kelly, whether they would've even bothered with this? I doubt it, personally: I'm sure if it had been just one of Kelly's acts in the sing-off, or none at all, they'd have been quite happy to let Alexandra vote, but with the show's fortunes being the way they are right now, they couldn't let pass an opportunity to milk maximum drama out of Kelly's Choice. Kelly talks down the line from LA, at which point an entire nation suddenly obtains an MD and diagnoses her as a TOTAL FAKER, because that's TOTALLY A PUT-ON PHONE-IN-SICK VOICE! Really, have we nothing better to do with our time? (Writes the person sat here at 11.39pm on a Tuesday blogging every last syllable of a reality TV show.) [I thought she sounded genuine, although that doesn't mean I think she's necessarily going to come back and see the series out, and I'm very doubtful she'll do this show next year - Rad]

Derwood goes to Louis first, and Louis says he's going to save the person with star quality, and that this just goes to show that nobody's safe on this show. He votes to send Sophie home. There is booing from some quarters. Tulisa is next, and babbles about how neither of them deserved to be in the bottom two tonight, and WHAT THE FUCK EVER TULISA, THIS IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT FOR BEING SUCH AN UNPROFESSIONAL WRETCH LAST WEEK, SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR DISINGENUOUS SUMMARY OF CURRENT EVENTS AND STUFF IT WITH CRANBERRIES, OKAY.COM? (You may have noticed, I don't much care for Tulisa these days.) Tulisa has "always got along with [Sophie]" (GIVE ME STRENGTH), and while she's had her issues with Misha, "last night we talked, and we dealt with them, and me and you are cool now." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU CALL HER A BULLY WITHOUT WARNING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AND GIVE HER NO CHANCE TO DEFEND HERSELF, AND NOW ONCE HER REPUTATION HAS BEEN EFFECTIVELY RUINED YOU SUDDENLY DECIDE YOU'D PREFER TO RESOLVE YOUR ISSUES QUIETLY OFF-CAMERA? God, Tulisa is a PIECE OF WORK. I'm sorry for all the capslock in this paragraph, but JESUS H CHRIST. [It really is Cheryl vs Wagner again isn't it? Did they just recycle last year's scripts and change some of the names? - Rad] Anyway, The Worst Woman On Television Right Now decides that she has to go with the person she can represent "the music from [her] roots, and votes to send Sophie home." We then go to Kroaky Kelly on the phone, and Kelly says that it's so hard, because she knows how badly they both want it, but one of them wants it more. What is this, America's Next Top Model? "Wanting it" shouldn't come into it, just send home the girl who just took a giant shit on the stage. Which she does: Sophie's going home. Derwood asks Gary how he would've voted, and Gary claims to be "amazed and shocked" (what the fuck ever Gary, about ten minutes ago you were saying what a terrible night it had been for Kelly's contestants, so don't start pretending this is in any way a surprise to you) but he too would've sent Sophie home. Misha gives Sophie one last hug, and departs.

We see Sophie's time in the competition: nobody knew who she was for months, then she got Dobby from Peep Show's haircut, then she was FUNNY IN ISLINGTON, and then she was eliminated. Such a journey! Alexandra's on the stage to hug Sophie, and Kroaky Kelly tells her that she's remarkable and that she just has to continue to developing as an artist, and she can't wait to see what the future holds for her. Pulling pints, I'd imagine. Sophie vows to keep working hard and prove that she should've stayed in the competition. Bye Sophie!

Next week: it's "big dancefloor hits". That should be fun. We'll also be meeting up with JLS, who've got kind of super-boring lately. Rad will be here to guide you through the whole sorry mess. Join us then!

Scare tactics

2011-10-29T23:03:00.007+01:00

Top 10: 29th October 2011

Last week: there was great confusion over what actually constituted "rock music", but going by this brief clips that we are given, it involves squeaking off-key with your arm stretched out in front of you. Good to know. The judges had entirely spontaneous fights which were in no way connected to the show's gradually declining ratings and the negative slant to most of this year's press coverage. THERE IS DRAMA ON THIS SHOW, YOU GUIZE! Oh, and Sami Brookes got sent off on a round-the-world cruise, which will hopefully be like the one Marlene from Neighbours went on that never actually came back. This week, we're down to ten contestants, and it has been The Most Dramatic Week Ever (it says here). Judges At War! Contestants In Meltdown! Judges Going AWOL! Viewers Switching To BBC1! Tonight, it's Hallowe'en, and fighting for your votes are: Tulisa's groups, BixMIX and The RISK; Louis's over-25s, Johnny ROBINSON and Kitty BRUCKNELL; Kelly's girls, Misha B, Janet DEVLIN and Sophie HASNOPERSONALITY; and Gary's boys, Craig CUSTARDCREAM, Marcus COLLINS and ArseTAT. It's Time! To Face! Low Ratings!

Titles. Giant X flies in from outer space, travelling at great speed, landing on Arsetat's rear as he finishes adding BixMix's name to the list of girls he's had.

Six girls in PVC catsuits stand on stage awaiting Derwood's arrival; the doors part and he salutes, at which point the girls take formation and escort him down the stage. Are they his bodyguards? His entourage? His rider? We may never know. Dermot does a few moves upon hitting his mark, since at this point he's beginning to think getting himself on Strictly next year might be a sensible career move. He informs us that our Saturday night starts right here, and tells us that the curse of Hallowe'en has already struck, since Kelly is ~~seeing Mathew Knowles for emergency career counselling~~ not well this week. Fortunately, someone was able to step into her shoes at the last minute: one of the show's ~~few~~ most successful winners and a platinum-selling artist. Oh yes, it's Alexandra BURKE! (Obligatory.) [Sing it GIRL! - Helen] The judges enter, and since there are no shots of Alexandra looking solemn while flames dance around her, some shots of her videos are used instead. They enter to the tune of 'Ghostbusters', and Gary is shamelessly trying to amp up the crowd. This wouldn't look as bad if he weren't dressed like Man At C&A yet again. Alexandra has a sequinned dress on with a sort of Bat-Signal on the front, which is presumably the emergency flare the show used to summon her here in the first place. Tulisa is in a leather catsuit with a little cat-ear headband accessory, and Louis is...as always, Louis.

Gary pretends that Kelly will be upset to (a) have missed the show and (b) not witnessed Derwood's dancers. Derwood asks for Tulisa's thoughts on this, and Tulisa was not paying attention, so she has nothing to say. Eventually she catches up and lies that everyone loves Kelly and that she definitely did not hide Kelly's passport in her bra to make sure Kelly couldn't be here this week or anything like that WHAT STOP LOOKING AT ME, I'M JUST A CAT, MEOW! Quite. Derwood asks Alexandra if she's looking forward to this, and she is - she's here in loco parentis for Kelly's girls, and she's not taking any shit from "this one over here" - apparently meaning Louis, but everyone thinks she means Tulisa, and it ends up being much funnier as a result, even though Kelly and Tulisa are DEFINITELY BEST FRIENDS.

Up first tonight are The Risk, and Tulisa mentions that they've had "the toughest week ever", because war broke out and the economy collapsed and a deadly virus swept through--oh, hang on a minute, they just lost a member. Never mind. They've got a new one! Plucked from Nu Bile! So without further ado are Three Quarters Of The Risk And Some Bloke (name to be confirmed later in the week, probably) [Or, really, one bloke from an original boy band, two solo singers that were then 2/5 of the first version of The Risk and one of Nu Bile. Oh sod it, can we just call them the Sugablokes already? - Rad]. A little caption flashes up "Thursday" in the VT as Andrew, Charley and Derry announce that Ashley has just dropped a bombshell on them and announced that he doesn't want to be in the group any more. Ashley tells us separately that the whole experience is not for him, and he doesn't want to be in a boyband, but this is the Hardest And Saddest Thing He's Ever Had To Do In His Life. No disrespect, love, but it's hardly The Hunger Games, is it? Tulisa says she couldn't believe it when she heard, and counsels Ashley that he has to do what's right for him. Ashley departs, and then it's Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down On Friday and the group are rehearsing as a three-piece. They phone Tulisa as Andrew (I think?) tells them they want a fourth member and they know who it is - they want Ashford from NuBile. They phone Ashford and ask him if he wants to join The Risk. He does! [OF COURSE he does - Helen] Tulisa clarifies that she definitely cleared this with the other judges, and then Ashford meets the other boys in the studio (where there are weird "keep out" temporary security gates halfway across the stage, for some reason). Ashford is excited to be back in the competition for the 465th time, and Tulisa says that she knows her (new) boys will not let her down.

Three Quarters Of The Risk And Some Other Bloke are singing 'Thriller' with some fairly ropey harmonies. I know they're working on about two days' rehearsal (at best) as a four-piece, but the whole thing feels a bit like a technical rehearsal to me - it's lifeless, tentative and a bit meandery on stage, and the vocals, as previously stated, are not impressive. [My favourite bit was when they put up their promo shot and it was four blokes in silhouette because they haven't got a picture of The Risk v3.0 yet - Rad]

Louis tells them that he's always loved the band, and welcomes Ashford back. He thinks they have something special. Alexandra says it was a fantastic to the show, and tells Ashford that as a new member he needs to "find that balance of being a bit more organic", whatever that means, but she loves that they're a fantastic group, and they need to work out where they sit amongst the JLSes and One Directions of this world. Deep below in the discount bucket, I would imagine. Gary says that before he really liked them, but how he REALLY REALLY likes them. Wow, steady on Borelow, don't pop a rib or anything. He breaks out the whole "Take That lost a member, by the way" story and says that at this point you either lie down and lose, or you get up fighting. He neglects to mention that in his case, Take That sort of sat on the floor whimpering, did a Bee Gees cover and then all went off to embark on unsuccessful solo careers. Tulisa says that they've fought their way through this week and made their own decision to get it together (read: Tulisa was busy with other stuff and did not give a shit).

Derwood asks Ashford what the last 48 hours have been like for him, and the answer is "life-changing". Fair enough. Ashford thanks the other boys for inviting him back, and they're all "eh, you almost have the same name as the other one, it was a no-brainer".
Andrew says that you have to move fast on this show, and that Ashford was the best replacement they could've thought of. And that Sami Brookes wasn't answering her phone.

Over to Louis and the overs next, with a little bit of Johnny. Johnny tells us that the audience reaction was great last week, but the crowning glory was Gary liking his performance. Gary interviews that while he liked Johnny last week, he needs to "step it up big time if he's going to maintain my interest". I think the "step it up" part here basically means "be as pedestrian as you possibly can". Johnny says that he's being recognised everywhere, and he loves to have a chat with people. He goes for a night out and gets a free pina colada. He says that he was never popular and didn't fit in when he was going up, and now it's all changed around because people were chanting his name when he went out, and this time they weren't even waving pitchforks. As if to demonstrate, someone who looks like a tidier version of Cher Lloyd runs up to him in the street and tells him that he rocks. Johnny says that he wants Gary to get "right behind me" tonight, and I'm not going to make that joke because it cheapens us all.

Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny! ("That's from The Shining," he tells us.) He's singing 'That Ole Devil Called Love', in a bid to give something to all of those people who are all "WE WANT TO HEAR JOHNNY SING THE SOUL CLASSICS", with the unfortunate side effect that those of us who want to hear Johnny being the high-camp novelty act he was born to be are likely to be really bored. I can't tell if he's just enunciating the word "heart" really poorly or if he genuinely is singing "rocks in my eyes". Or possibly, "rocks in my arse". Hey, whatever works for you. It's a disappointingly static performance, though I will concede that his voice sounds all right. He can clearly hold a tune, he just doesn't have that much of a range. It finishes, and the pianist gets out there quicker than you can say "free sandwiches in the green room". Gary Barlow rushes the stage - no seriously - and hugs him, and gets a big kiss not-quite-on-the-lips for his trouble.

Tulisa shouts that he "finally got to sing a ballid!" [I can't believe nobody's corrected her yet. It's bordering on cruel. Unless she has and she's just brazening it out. It's probably that. - Helen] She whinges that Louis has been hiding his skills for far too long - I'd argue that Louis was merely encouraging him to display a different set of skills, personally - and that she found him really sexy tonight. Of course you did, dear. Alexandra tells him it was a great song choice and he "sung your little heart out". She wishes him "the best of luck, because you are very special, I do adore you." Alexandra is so patronising. I LOVE IT. Gary tells him "it's that simple, that's all you needed to do, because you're not a novelty act, you're a great singer." Gary's like one of those annoying teachers who refuses to fail his students in case it harms their self-esteem. There's nothing wrong with being a novelty act, and I'd argue there's far more longevity in it for Johnny career-wise than being some sub-Rebecca Jazznoodle bore standing rigid on the spot droning through the classics. [I think the lesson here is that we all know who Chico is - Helen] Louis thinks we could be in Ronnie Scott's tonight. But we're not, we're here. Regrettably. Derwood thinks that winning the competition is no longer something Johnny cares about now he's been able to grope Barlow. He asks if he would like to do more boring shit. Johnny would. Once again, Borelow ruins everything.

Ad break. That cow in the KFC advert can complain all she wants - if she insists on bringing fast food back to the office and stinking it out for the rest of the afternoon, being asked to do a bit of extra work is the least of her problems. I'd have her sacked for lesser crimes than that.

Derwood welcomes us back to the show and begs us to care about the show on Facebook or Twitter. In lieu of Kelly, Alexandra introduces the first of the girls: Sophie. Alex has taken to this like she's been doing it all her life, incidentally. If there's a retooling of the line-up next year (I wouldn't bet against it, and also emphasis on the "tool"), I wouldn't be surprised to see her name in the hat. This week, Sophie has mostly been having some time off, and going to visit some friends and family. She has also been not wearing her seat-belt correctly in the process, because she is WILD AND CRAZY LIKE THAT. She returns to the pub that she worked at, and informs us that when the judges called her shy and timid, the whole of Islington was in hysterics because they know she's not like that. That's right, she's HILARIOUS AND OUTGOING IN NORTH LONDON! If you think she's boring, then you just don't appreciate her SPECIAL ISLINGTON HUMOUR! A friend/relative/random person dragged in off the street tells her that everyone's supporting her, even those who barely know her. There's even a newspaper cutting from the local paper in which someone has referred to Sophie as "popular" and "bubbly", like she's just been murdered or something. Sophie vows to go out there tonight and DO IT FOR ISLINGTON, WHERE SHE IS A LAUGH RIOT!

She's singing 'Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)' fairly tunelessly and in a very emphasised London accent, as if to remind us that she's from Islington, where she is funny. I live in hope that when she gets to the chorus a thumping dance beat will kick in and it will turn out she's actually doing 'Shot You Down' by the Audio Bullys, but no such luck. Instead, she continues grasping for notes that elude her as various shirtless men do erotic contemporary dance behind her. Sadly, they're being lit "atmospherically", so there's not much interesting to see. It ends. Hooray!

Louis tells Sophie that she's a great singer and a really nice girl, but he's not sure about the song choice - there's something missing for him, like she's a secretary that sings at the weekends. At the moment, Louis, that's what they all are, that's how the show works. Sophie snorts "no-ho!" and then realises where she is. BOO! STONE THE ARROGANT BITCH TO DEATH! Tulisa thought she was nervous tonight, but thinks she had no reason to be because she nailed it, adding: "I thought you were starting to find your own tone, vocally, there was a bit of a Kate Nash twang in there tonight as well." If only the audience had the presence of mind to give this contradiction the slow clap it deserves. Gary points out that this is the fourth week running that she's chosen to sing a dreary ballad, and while he loves her voice, her song choices are as dull as dishwater. I love it when Gary criticises people for being boring. Now I want Louis to start criticising people for being Irish. Alexandra says that she'll "keep it real" and that there were "some slight tuning problems, babe" but that she's a beautiful performer, and that the song choice was appropriate for Hallowe'en. "Just remember each week, shine, because you can shine," she finishes. Amazing. Guest Judge Alexandra Burke is my new favourite thing. Sophie tells Derwood that she loves the song, and of course she wants to do an upbeat song, and if she gets kept in, she'd like to do that. Derwood takes Louis to task, and Louis says that he's looking for the next big thing, and she's not it. "Take it up with Kelly when she gets back," Derwood shrugs, clearly over it in a massive way.

From here we segue to the boys, and Gary Borelow. Who's the sacrificial lamb being thrown on first in this category? Marcus, obviously. Marcus doesn't have much of a storyline this week other than how he is very very nervous, so it's time for Uncle Gary to lean back in his rocking chair, take another puff on his pipe, and talk about how he still gets nervous even after 48 years in the music industry. He encourages Marcus to watch his performance back from last week (something that Arsetat is already doing each week, although he prefers to do it in the privacy of his room while masturbating furiously). Gary tells Marcus that he's really good, and they should build on that each week. He also advises him to stand behind that screen each week and say "I'm the man."

The Man is singing 'Superstition' by Stevie Wonder, in a strange world where its iconic bassline has been replaced by that from INXS's 'Need You Tonight'. Marcus has a cane, and a bunch of male dancers. Somehow I doubt Dermot is planning to ask him if he'll be trying to shag any of them later. Despite my distaste for the backing track, I think Marcus is pretty good - he's one of the very few contestants this year with stage presence, and his voice is reliably strong. It's just a shame that the one time they gave him a decent soul song to sing, they had to give him this awful arrangement.

Louis tells Marcus that he brings it every week, and that he's got everything. Tulisa says that Marcus nailed the Hallowe'en theme. "You went for it, you weren't afraid to put a bit of make-up on." I doubt this was much of a new experience for him, somehow. She thinks he had fun and made everyone else have fun. Alexandra thinks he worked that stage, and he's got a great look. Gary's all "you totally delivered!" with both thumbs up, like a very embarrassing dad. Marcus tells Derwood that this was one of his favourite performances, and he loved being able to do a bit of dancing as well.

More ads. Mmm, pizza.

On our return, Derwood mingles with Marcus's mum in the audience (you know, the one he's going to REPAY WITH PRIDE) [Still vomiting here - Helen] and then Alexandra introduces the next act: Misha B. Misha talks about not having been thrilled with last week's performance, and always worrying about what the judges will say to her. Somehow, I doubt she was expecting that ten-ton truck Tulisa sent hurtling in her direction last week, though. We revisit Tulisa being absurdly unprofessional, and Misha admits that it upset her to the point where she couldn't quite believe it was happening. You and about ten million viewers, love. We see shots of all the press coverage it gained (LOOK! THE TABLOIDS STILL CARE ABOUT US!) and Misha discusses how she's behaved like a bully in the past and she's not proud of it, but she wants to change. Over footage of Misha walking sombrely in the park, she talks about her tragic childhood and how she made mistakes and she's genuinely sorry if she's upset anyone, but she was saved by music and has never bullied anyone on the show. "I want people to love me for what they see on the stage and off the stage," she reasons, while wearing a "say no to racism" t-shirt. "I want people to know that I'm not a bad person." Dear God, they are properly Humble Danyl-ing this girl and no mistake. That's TERRIBLE. I don't want endless VTs of Misha being contrite and HUMBLE, I want to see her being brilliantly talented and entirely unapologetic about it. But obviously, we can never have that, because strong confident young black women need to learn their place. THIS FUCKING SHOW, I SWEAR TO GOD.

Misha is singing 'Tainted Love' with a load of puppet gimps, and she's had her hair styled into a giant rhino horn. If this performance ends with her running headfirst towards the judges and spearing Tulisa with it, I will vote for this girl until my fingers bleed. Alexandra Burke is loving it all, by the way, and having a proper boogie in her seat. Misha inserts her obligatory freestyle section, which includes her saying "it's too late to apologise", which I hope is aimed at Tulisa. At least despite the subdued nature of her VT, her vocals are still amazing and she's still more talented than everyone else in the show put together. Alexandra leaps to her feet when the song's over. Good girl.

Louis says it's rare to see someone as vocally and visually talented as she is, and he knows that if Kelly was here she'd say "you put it down, baby girl". Louis Walsh doing an impersonation of Kelly Rowland is every bit as amazing as you would expect, by the way. Tulisa tells Misha she smashed it tonight, and that she was born a star. So far so good, then: "I want to let you know that anything I say to you is only because I want you to be the best you can be and be as successful as you can be, and the point I was trying to make is that you don't have to fight any more for your right to be here, because you deserve it, I relate to you and I get you, so I'm letting you know that I know that." What utter, utter horseshit. Your point last week, Tulisa, whatever it was, was definitely not "you don't have to fight for your right to be here", and if you genuinely want Misha to be the best that she can be, I would suggest you start by NOT CALLING HER A BULLY ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, because I hear the voting public don't really like that sort of thing, and that mud sticks. God, that little bit of backpedalling was shameful. Go fuck yourself, Tulisa - I'm done with you. Seriously. Gary tells Misha that she was "out of the stratosphere" tonight, and that it was like she was signed by a record company at the age of nine and developed for 10 years. I find it deeply saddening that this is the only way that Gary can imagine a 19-year-old displaying such an obvious suitability for a pop career. Alexandra tells her that she's had so much pressure put on her shoulder, and that she needs to ignore it all and focus on herself. She adds that vocally, Misha never disappoints, and that she can't wait to see her completely stripped down (ooer) and showing everyone what she's made of. Misha seems genuinely touched, and since she is NEWLY HUMBLE, she doesn't say much beyond a meek "thank you", much to Dermot's horror, because filling dead air is really not his strong suit. Also not his strong suit? Suits.

Ads. Martine McCutcheon still taking care of her gut, presumably because it's only sensible when you're naturally full of shit like she is.

We're return to the last of the girls: Janet Devlin. With an entirely straight face, Hideous Yelping She-Beast Janet congratulates herself for last week's performance, "the most upbeat one I've done", despite the song being so utterly dreary than even Adele was thinking "fuck's sake, put a bit of BOSH on it, love." Janet is enjoying being in That London, but she is missing home. Her parents Patricia and Aquinas (HEE HEE) have been informing her that the locals back home in Gortin are dead behind her and that. There's posters at the top and the bottom of the village! They've sold 100 t-shirts with her face on! Blimey, with support like that I'm surprised the rest of the contestants haven't conceded defeat already. Her parents are very proud of her, rather than being deeply ashamed of themselves for raising a shrill piggybacking copycat, which would've been my suggestion. I like that one poster in a Gortin window simply says "X Factor", though. That's the very definition of "couldn't be arsed", right there.

Janet is singing 'Every Breath You Take', starting on the wrong note and continuing that way for several bars. She has also been styled as the secret lovechild of Uncle Fester and The Thing, for reasons best known to the hair and make-up crew. I like that the show is addressing how fundamentally creepy this song is, but it'd be nice if Janet was singing in tune, or if she moved at all, or if she weren't so fundamentally awful, but I suppose you can't have everything.

Louis tells her that it's a big task, but he loves her interpretation, and the best thing about Janet is that she's real. Yeah, down with fictional singers! He opts for another Kelly impression, because he knows where the money is, and tells her that "you got it all goin' on, babe." At this point I think they could save on a salary each week and have Louis be himself and Kelly. It would be AMAZING. Tulisa says that Janet came out here with a different energy tonight, as if Janet is even familiar with the concept of "energy", and now she's starting to see the real her. Vocally, however, it wasn't the strongest she's been. Gary is a massive fan of hers, but he wants to share one little worry: he knows what to expect from her. "You're predictable in a good way," he assures her. Sadly on this show that's probably true - nothing wins over the voters like knowing exactly what the performance will sound like before the contestant's even opened her mouth. Alexandra wants to cuddle Janet and take her home (DON'T LET ME STOP YOU, ALEXANDRA BURKE) because she means every word she sings, and she's just done Ireland proud. Derwood asks Janet if she wants to do different stuff in the future. Janet says that if she gets through to next week, she's got a little trick up her sleeve, and one week she'd like to get her guitar out. I swear to God, if she sets foot on that stage with a guitar, I am throwing a brick through my television. (Disclaimer: I reserve the right to not actually go through with that, but whatever happens, I will still be VERY ANGRY.)

As if that weren't infuriating enough, here's Arsetat. Arsetat's verdict on last week: "I loved my performance, I loved being on stage, the adrenaline was just incredible. The comments were rubbish again, but that's all right, I still enjoyed myself." Arsetat then "confesses" that he went out after the show, got off with an Aliona Vilani lookalike, and did some things that he "wasn't so proud of", as if Arsetat hasn't been entirely proud of everything shitheaded thing he's done in his entire life leading up to this moment. Borelow's all "I've tried to tame Frankie, but I am POWERLESS! Luckily he is an engaging, charismatic and talented performer, so it's all fine." [Has anyone put Gary saying "If I put him through, The one thing I'm not going to do is make him behave" then giggling behind his hand with Robbie on YouTube yet? Because they should. Oh they have! Three minutes in - Helen] Arsetat is similarly deluded, thinking that the reason we all hate him and think that he sucks badger penis is because he's not a "cheesy little choirboy-type singer". Dear Arsetat: we'd settle for you just being a singer. Regards, The Entire Population Of The United Kingdom Of Great Britain And Northern Ireland.

He's straining his way through 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go'. He should go.

Louis says it was a lot better than he was expecting, but he thinks Frankie will always be known more for his "antics" offstage than on. Some idiot girl screams out how much she loves Frankie, because she is deeply, deeply unhappy. Tulisa thinks Frankie's won her over this week, because she is every bit as awful as he is. She thinks this is the real him, "rebellious" and "wild". Yeah, nothing says "anarchist" like auditioning for The X Factor. Next he'll be doing something really subversive, like READING THE DAILY STAR or RIDING A MOTORBIKE. Bitch, please. Alexandra is confused about him because she thinks he sucks ass, despite giving an energetic performance. She doesn't think he's taking the competition seriously and that's her only problem with him, despite having just said that he can't sing. Borelow's all "don't worry, she's only here for one night". Not if I have my way. ALEXANDRA BURKE FOR HEAD JUDGE! She can come back every week and continue merrily patronising the living shit out of everyone, and it'll be far more fun than watching Gary Barlow desperately trying to be interesting and failing miserably. Derwood asks Arsetat if he's taking the competition seriously, and Arsetat says that he'd be an idiot if he didn't. Oh Arsetat, I think you're running that risk either way, dude.

Adverts. They are yet to make one of those Philadelphia Local Heroes adverts where the end product doesn't look entirely like cat sick.

Post-ads, it's time for the always entertaining Dame Kitty Brucknell. Last week she was in the bottom two with the QE2, and realised she had to step up her game. She doesn't want to go home, because she's living her dream. She admits that she's obviously not connecting with the public in some way, and not doing something right. She notes that a lot of people already made their minds up about her at her first audition. Mind you, I made my mind up about her at her first audition too, and my feelings at the time were that I NEED HER ON THIS SHOW. She says that she's sure she would want to slap her if she was watching herself on the telly at home, and I suspect that being Kitty Brucknell must be a very strange experience. Kitty stresses that she doesn't want to say that this is a new her this week (LOL KATIE WEASEL BURN) because that's irritating, so instead she goes out for the night without wearing any trousers. A drunk man says he wants her to win, and if this was the only person they could find willing to go on record with that opinion, then I think we might have found the root of Kitty's problem. Kitty finishes by saying that she shouldn't have to change who she is just because she was in the bottom two.

Indeed, if anything she's just dialling up who she already is, because she starts her performance SPINNING ON A CATHERINE WHEEL WITH SPARKS FLYING OUT OF IT. Seriously, this is why we need her. Can you imagine Sophie Hasnochance doing this? Indeed not. She's singing 'Sweet Dreams (Are Filled With Parentheses)' with some serious vocal effects being done on the opening verse, which confuses me, because she then goes on to sound the best she's ever sounded, and I'd like to think that this is just Kitty being genuinely awesome off her own back, but what if it's just more vocal effects? What then? I tell you, it's come to something when you can't even trust The X Factor not to lie to you. Anyway, it's a real circus of a performance, and assuming it's genuine, a very good vocal. Probably the best of the night, in fact, not that that's a particularly ringing endorsement.

Tulisa calls her "my fellow Kitty Kat tonight", and says that she's the most inventive performer on the show who's always got her own ideas. She thinks that Kitty is the least manufactured act on the show, which is an odd thing to get your head around. Alexandra is impressed with Kitty's pipes and thinks that she's very entertaining, but worries that it could come across slightly cabaret. "Cabaret?" squeaks Louis. "That's burlesque, darling, that's not cabaret!" Alexandra takes exception to this: "Did I say 'it was cabaret'? I said 'comes across as cabaret'. You'd better get the words correct, okay.com." ALEXANDRA BURKE FOR HEAD JUDGE. Seriously, I want this sort of thing every week. There's your answer to ratings freefall, right there. Gary was disappointed to see Kitty in the bottom two last week, and says that the things people don't like her for are all the things that he does like her for. In particular, he loves that she dusted herself off and gave a performance like that. Louis knows that he made the right decision in keeping her on the show because she's a hard-worker who never lets him down, and he hopes the public give her a chance. Kitty explains to Derwood that they tried the wheel with pyrotechnics for the first time this afternoon, and she also wants to stay in and keep doing mad theatrical stuff.

More ads. I hope Katy Wix and Anna Crilly got good money for that Harveys Furniture advert, that's all I'm saying.

We're back, and it's time for the last of the groups: it's BixMix. They can't believe that they're still in the competition and that YOUNG GIRLS LIKE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE LIKE GIRLS IN THAT THEY ARE NOT PERFECT AND KIND OF UGLY AND A BIT SMELLY AND HAIRY IN THE WRONG PLACES AND BECAUSE HAVING AMBITION TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS WOULD BE ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE AND TOTALLY WORTHY OF YOUR HATRED. God, fuck off, BixMix. And by extension: fuck off, Tulisa. Meanwhile, people have been writing nasty things about Jesy on the internet. They were obviously written by mean boys because GIRLS RELATE TO BIXMIX BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST LIKE THEM, as we've just established. It's not made clear specifically what's been said that's upset Jesy so much (normally I'd feel guilty here, but my criticisms of BixMix have been that they suck as a band and I've not singled any of them out individually for anything, so I'm feeling fairly confident that, on this occasion at least, it wasn't me). Meanwhile, they've also had to change their name this week because there's already a charity existing with the name Rhythmix. This section is a great joy for many reasons:

1. It's exactly like the first night on The Apprentice, right up to the point where I hope they decide to call themselves Winning Women.
2. They're all "THINKING OF NAMES IS HARD" which, considering what they come up with at the end, is even more hilarious in hindsight.
3. At one point we get a close-up of the sheet of paper they've been jotting potential names down on, and in one corner is just "Rhythmix" written over and over again.
4. Jade suggests RTMix, leading Leigh-Anne to wonder what the RT stands for and Perrie to wonder if people would pronounce it "rittumix". "Nobody's that stupid," snorts Jade, to which Perrie responds "I am! I would!" BIXMIX: THEY'RE IDIOTS, JUST LIKE REAL GIRLS!

Eventually they decide on Little Mix, but since BixMix is not a charity of any sort, that is what I shall be sticking with. They're dangling on strings with weird Cassandra-from-Doctor Who masks painted on their face, squeaking their way through 'Fucked By An Alien' by Katy Perry. The make-up is pretty cool [The make-up was awesome - Rad], the vocals are not, and they barely move for the entire song. Seriously, they're making Rebecca Jazznoodle look like Usain Bolt. Tulisa leaps to her feet at the end because THEY'RE JUST LIKE HER. Nobody else does.

Louis tells them that they're four of the nicest girls they've ever had on the show, and tells Jesy that anyone who says anything critical about her is a JELUSS HATAH. I think Louis needs to stop listening to Cher Lloyd songs. Alexandra thinks they're talented girls and that there's a space for them in "this big old market here". Gary thinks it was a great song choice, and he could hear them all sing. He adds that he can't pick the top three this year, which feels different. Indeed, it's hardly the MATTREBECCAONEDIRECTION mantra that we had forced down our throats last year, but perhaps the fact that no one's establishing themselves as a frontrunner after four weeks is a problem in itself. Tulisa is proud of them, and proud of Jesy for being able to tell us all about her securities BECAUSE GIRLS ARE INSECURE AND RELATE TO THAT. Tulisa is a feminist's nightmare.

To finish us off, here's Craig Custardcream. He tells us that his parents have been calling him to inform him of all the Craigmania currently going on back home, as various people with braces give their support, while the woman from the Chinese Chip Shop runs through his usual gargatuan-sounding order and her horror that Gary Barlow is making him eat lettuce. Apparently they're also playing his version of 'Jar Of Farts' on Juice FM in Liverpool, and one of the DJs explains that people keep requesting it. Do people still request songs off the radio in 2011? Apparently so. I wonder if there's a massive turf war between Marcus fans and Craig fans in Liverpool. Gary thinks Craig's going to shock everyone who thinks he only ever does ballads.

Apparently he's going to do that by...singing 'Set Fire To The Rain'. By Adele [Thank fuck. We hadn't had any Adele for a couple of weeks. I was worried - Rad]. YEAH! BUST OUT OF THAT BALLAD BOX, CRAIG! MAYBE GO REALLY MAD NEXT WEEK AND DO SOME CELINE DION! Gary's small reference pools are by far the most frightening thing about this show tonight. Biscuit Boy's wearing his coat indoors, so I can only assume there's a bit of a nip in the air in the studio. He's struggling with this song too - the high notes elude him a lot of the time. Louis thinks Craig is the heart and the soul of the competition, and that he's now a contender. Tulisa thinks the reception in here tonight is fantastic - she knows because she's got her mobile under the table and she's voting for BixMix because they're REAL GIRLS LIKE HER. She thinks that the more she hears Craig sing, the more she thinks he could sell albums. Her only criticism is that she's finding him predictable, and she wants him to shock her one week. If Craig's not around to do this, then I would like to recommend James Jordan for the job. He'll shock her but good, I'm sure. Alexandra wants to "break it down" for Craig, and thinks he has a beautiful, soulful voice, but the key is to come back every week and shock everyone: "give 'em suttin' every week!" she tells him. Gary calls it the performance of the night, and then Derwood comes on to bitch out Alexandra for talking too much. Shut it, Derwood, I could listen to her go on all night.

That's it! The vote is now open, and will close in the results show. Brief recap, anyone? The Risk Minus One Plus Another strugging through 'Thriller'; Johnny realising that potential to be boring that Gary always knew was in there somewhere; Sophie giving a performance that THEY WOULD HAVE TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD IN ISLINGTON; Marcus being much better than his arrangement; Misha having a horn section of her own; Yelping She-Beast Janet dropping a clanger; Arsetat asking a question with an answer so simple it's likely to be used for a competition on This Morning; all eyes on Kitty in the centre of the ring just like a circus; the artists formerly (and still) known as BixMix; and Mandele.

Someone's going home tomorrow night, and we'll be joined by Cher Lloyd and Nicole Shirtlifter. Join us later this week for the results recap!

You and cruise army?

2011-10-24T19:15:00.003+01:00

Week 3 Results: 23 October 2011

Hello, and welcome back for the X Factor results, which sadly weren’t that everyone involved with trying to push Misha under a bus were held into account for their actions in a court of law in a country that has the death penalty. It’s just that someone is going home.

Dermot suit watch – Grey and shiny but giving him Murs Thighs. We have a recap of the performances last night, with all the dramatic bits, then the voiceover man actually telling us that it all “kicked off” last night. We see Tulisa redefining rock again and a very sanitised version of Tulisa having a pop at Misha.

Tonight! Kelly Clarkson, ‘Professor’ Green and Bruno Mars. I hope this means there’s no time for a group song. Oh please, let it be...

Over the It’s Time To Face The MUSIC bit, we see Funsponge Tightpants tell us that Tulisa is going DOWN, Funsponge Tightpants punch the camera and Funsponge Tightpants being told to lighten up by Louis. It’s all about him, isn’t it? I bet that’s stipulated in his contract and everything.

Dermot bounds in applauding himself and tells us it’s a blockbuster of a show. He explains to us what voting is and tells us again who is on. Bruno Mars is the biggest selling artist in the world... Who knew? Dermot then introduces the judges as ‘four stars who are determined to outshine each other’. I agree with the latter half of that sentence.

The doors open – Tulisa is not holding Kelly’s hand! Ooh, TENSION. Funsponge Tightpants is in a grey three piece, Kelly is rocking that “hotpants under net curtain” look, Tulisa is wearing a tight green dress which caused twitter to explode with whether she looked more like a brand of sweet bought in tins at Christmas time or a bluebottle. Either way, she can’t walk again. Louis is breaking up his usual look by wearing a blue shirt. Funsponge Tightpants then tries to rile up the crowd. It works. Tulisa’s dress foils her stupid salute thing and this brings me no end of joy. Funsponge Tightpants does his trademark nod. It’s irritating.

Dermot explains what voting is again and goes through the numbers before concluding that it’s “Tight at the bottom” which he surely said for a bet? He then introduces us to Kelly Clarkson who is here to show us what a real winner of a talent show looks like. Her VT is very light on the Angry Kelly years, which in my opinion were the best ones. Kelly’s performance features the arty drumming which seems to be ‘in’ at the moment. Kelly’s dress isn’t very flattering. I don’t think that it would be flattering on anyone. At this point I’m slightly aghast that she’s being treated as the warm up act. Surely the winner of the first American Idol deserves higher billing? [She certainly deserves better than being the warm-up act for PROFESSOR FUCKING GREEN. - Steve] But I digress... She finishes and everyone gives her a standing ovation. She seems stunned. She gives Dermot a wave but doesn’t deign to talk to him.

Dermot reminds us again that it got spicy last night, and that voting is a thing and we have to do it. I wish for once he would tell us something instead of just going over new ground. Everyone’s performance gets an additional comment. Marcus gave it 100% according to Louis (original), Janet is a threat to Funsponge Tightpants, 3 out of 4 judges ain’t bad as far as Sami is concerned but Funsponge Tightpants thinks that Louis has sent her to the dogs, Bixmix comment on the judges catfight and Tulisa doesn’t think Funsponge Tightpants knows what he’s talking about. Sophie Habibis thinks Louis don’t know nothing and Kelly thinks he better check himself. Biscuit, according to Kelly, came out swinging. Kitty’s performance meant everything to her and Funsponge Tightpants loved it. Arsetat was gutted with his performance. So were we. Louis thinks he’s redeemed himself though. The Risk are a good, hardworking band according to Funsponge Tightpants and Johnny wasn’t expecting that reaction. Finally, Misha quite rightly says that what happens backstage and Tulisa thinks that she’s got to be honest so no hard feelings.

Hang on... No hard feelings? NO. HARD. FEELINGS? What exactly have you got to feel hard done by about Tulisa? You were the one being bitchy, not the other way round. Just be quiet, yeah? [I liked Tulisa until this week but this was a bit too Cheryl Cole vs Wagner for me - Rad]

Next up, ‘Professor’ Green and Emilie Sande. ‘Professor’ Green apparently has won Mobo and MTV awards and definitely isn’t a character in Cluedo. Emilie Sande seems a bit too good for all of this. I may sound like someone’s grandma, but ‘Professor’ Green just sounds like noise. I can’t make out what he’s saying. It all sounds like noise to me. I think he’s got a beef. Plus I don’t understand why he looks like Ron Weasley’s understudy but has tattoos on his neck. Ooh, confetti! That’s appropriate.

Dermot offers us a five minute warning that the lines are about to close.

ADVERTS!

When we get back Dermot tells us that the competition was wrongly labelled yesterday and everyone is getting their money back whilst Louis makes ‘Whoops’ faces behind him. The whole farrago reeks of stunt more than Evel Knievel’s trousers.

Dermot then takes the judges to task over their appalling behaviour last night. Well, kind of. He says it was a bit spicy. Louis replies that everyone is very involved in their acts and he got carried away. He apologises for calling Misha a bully. So you bloody well should. I feel a bit proud of Louis for taking the rap though, because Tulisa isn’t called into question at all. [Although Louis's apology was a bit "LOLWHOOPS", so I don't know if he was being massively sincere. - Steve] Dermot then swiftly changes the subject and asks who stole the show for everyone last night. Funsponge Tightpants votes Marcus and gets told off for mentioning his own acts. Kelly admits Johnny put a big old smile on her face, Tulisa goes Misha and Louis Misha and Johnny.

Next! Bruno Mars who’s bestseller status is downgraded to “Best selling male artist in the world this year”. He’s been number one in fourteen countries and has had 25 number ones and sold several million singles. He seems to be dressed up as Cliff Richard and is singing one of Ricky Martin’s cast offs. The sound is terrible and you can barely hear him sing [I know! Someone's getting fired for that one - Rad]. I have sat through some crap on behalf of various television blogs, but I’m going to have to fast forward this. I’m sorry.

That’s over. Goodness me, he’s shorter than Dermot. Dermot plugs his tour and it’s nearly vote time!

Adverts! Oh look, an advert for Bruno Mars’ album.

When we get back, the acts are brought on stage with their judges.

Time for the results! Dermot explains the format again. Do we need this every week?

In no particular order... Marcus! He hugs Arsetat and Biscuit. Misha B next whilst Kitty looks like she’s going to kill someone. Johnny next, well deserved. Bixmix are also through and they squeal. Janet is safe next, and actually comes close to showing some emotion. Biscuit is next! Louis looks worried. Sophie next through, followed by Arsetat who is very ungracious and gets a massive boo. Who will be final one through? The Risk, Sami or Kitty. Kitty prays, but it doesn’t work because it’s the Risk!

Sami and Kitty are in the bottom two. This is a travesty beyond any words I have. I shall try to think of some during the adverts.

Nope, TRAVESTY is the only word I can think of. It’s cruise ship vs. Cruise missile.

Cruise ship is up first. Louis blinks back the tears as he introduces her cos he’s in a trance. Sami comes out without her shoes on and sings “You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman” in the club style. I know I used that joke yesterday but it’s the only one that fits this. It’s the very essence of Cruiseship, including “whatyadonetome –ah” and “sogoodinside-ah” and some very forced hand movements. Oh Sami, you can’t blame Louis for this one.

Next up – Cruise missile Kitty. She’s actually dressed as Britney Spears. She sings a beautifully understated version of “The Edge Of Glory” and by the first line I know she’s got this in the bag, even though her fishnets are full of holes. Not like that, you know what I mean. I’m further convinced she has it in the bag when the camera cuts to Kelly doing her ‘feeling things’ face.

Kitty and Sami have done everything they can. They hug and have a chat behind Dermot. Dermot invents an X Factor ‘Precedent’ about when judges decline to vote it goes to a majority. [Ugh. Entirely invented for Cheryl Cole, and possibly Sharon Osbourne or any other judge who decides to be a madam about voting for their own acts. I call Funsponge this year - Rad]

Funsponge is impressed with the sing off and applauds them. He then goes on about how tough it is, but admits he finds Sami dated and he’s excited by Kitty so obviously he’s sending home Sami.

Kelly wants to say that they are both talented and make people look at them when they sing but she’s going to send home Sami.

Tulisa is also impressed with the sing off, and her heart is telling her that she connects more with Sami so she’s sending home Kitty. And here’s me thinking that Tulisa will redeem herself and save Louis the heartache. Oh well.

Louis agrees that both girls were incredible. He loves Kitty’s work ethic but she’s not connecting with the public. He tells Sami that she sang her heart out. He doesn’t understand why he’s got two acts in the bottom two and can’t decide between his head and his heart. Dermot calls him Lulu and pushes him for an answer. Louis isn’t going to cop out and send it to deadlock so he’s choosing Sami. Sami looks like she knew it was coming. We see Sami’s best bits. That bit where she met Leonardo Di Caprio, that bit where she turned into Melissa George and kept having the same day over and over, that day she sat on the guns and all the sailors turned up and that day she got the job on Loose Women.

She may not sell loads of albums according to Funsponge Tightpants, but she’s going to sing her heart out every day. Louis is disappointed to lose her. She thanks the crowd and they both leave. Dermot reminds us that 11 minus one is 10 and that it’s definitely Fright Night next week, because Cher Lloyd is returning. Oh dear. Join Steve next week to see how that pans out.